{"id":93864,"date":"2018-06-14T11:00:46","date_gmt":"2018-06-14T10:00:46","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/?p=93864"},"modified":"2023-03-02T21:49:53","modified_gmt":"2023-03-02T21:49:53","slug":"what-is-trauma-bonding","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm","title":{"rendered":"What is Trauma Bonding? Is It Keeping You In a Bad Relationship?"},"content":{"rendered":"<div id=\"attachment_93872\" style=\"width: 276px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4246055411_4e485d6860.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-93872\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-93872\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4246055411_4e485d6860-266x400.jpg\" alt=\"Chain of Hearts\" width=\"266\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4246055411_4e485d6860-266x400.jpg 266w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/4246055411_4e485d6860.jpg 333w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 266px) 100vw, 266px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-93872\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/bonvoyagetohappy\/4246055411\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Y&#8217;amal<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><span style=\"color: #333399;\">by Andrea M. Darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-psychological-trauma.htm\">Trauma<\/a> bonding, or traumatic bonding, can mean you you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/leave-unhappy-relationship.htm\">unable to leave a relationship<\/a> even when your partner treats you poorly.<\/p>\n<p><em>Do none of your friends understand why you stay?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><em>Did you perhaps have a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-childhood-trauma.htm\">childhood where you experienced a trauma<\/a>?<\/em><\/p>\n<h2>What is trauma bonding?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>In psychology \u2018bonding\u2019 refers to<\/strong> the positive sense of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/connecting-with-people.htm\">connection<\/a> and<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/attachment-styles.htm\"> attachment<\/a> that grows between people when they spend a lot of time together. You might notice feelings of bonding after going through something both really good or really difficult with a partner or friend. You feel closer to them, and more loyal.<\/p>\n<p><strong>&#8216;Trauma bonding&#8217; refers to a state of being emotionally attached not to a kind friend or family member, but to an abuser<\/strong>. It\u2019s a negative form of bonding as it keeps you loyal to a destructive situation. The abuser uses cycles of abuse and then some form of reward to keep you trapped psychologically and emotionally.<\/p>\n<p><em><span style=\"color: #666699;\">Are you i<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/emotionally-abusive-relationships.htm\">n an abusive relationship<\/a>? Need someone to talk to? Visit our sister site<a style=\"color: #666699;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Mid%20Post\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?hl=en&amp;q=https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source%3DHarley%2520Therapy%2520Blog%26utm_content%3DMid%2520Post&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1529010645225000&amp;usg=AFQjCNHTJQDUQI3GbHjjIOKjxVTphazXEQ\">\u00a0harleytherapy.com<\/a> to book counselling easily and quickly, worldwide. Appointments are available online, by phone or in person.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<h2>Signs of trauma bonding<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Not sure if you are or are not involved in trauma bonding? Look for these signs of traumatic bonding:<\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>you feel stuck and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/live-life-like-victim-12-ways-tell.htm\">powerless<\/a> in the relationship but try to make the best of it<\/li>\n<li>deep down there are moments you don\u2019t even know if you like or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/trusting-others-hard.htm\">trust<\/a> the other person, but you can\u2019t leave<\/li>\n<li>the relationship is intense and complex and involves a promise &#8211; \u201cI promise things will get better\u201d, \u201cI promise when I get a job things will be different\u201d, \u201cI promise I\u2019ll marry you one day\u201d.<\/li>\n<li>you know they are \u2018sometimes\u2019 abusive, but you focus on the \u2018good\u2019 in them<\/li>\n<li>or you think <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm\">you can somehow change them<\/a> so they aren\u2019t emotionally\/physically abusive<\/li>\n<li>your friends and\/or<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/keeping-secrets-from-family.htm\"> family<\/a> have advised you leave the relationship but you stay<\/li>\n<li>you find yourself defending the relationship if others <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/honesty-criticism-or-verbal-abuse.htm\">criticise<\/a> it<\/li>\n<li>you have tried to leave, but you feel physically ill if you do, or like you will die or your life will be destroyed<\/li>\n<li>the other person constantly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-let-down.htm\">lets you down<\/a> but you still believe their promises.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<h2>Examples of trauma bonding<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_93873\" style=\"width: 410px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/376961572_eff9249102.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-93873\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-93873\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/376961572_eff9249102-400x266.jpg\" alt=\"what is traumatic bonding\" width=\"400\" height=\"266\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/376961572_eff9249102-400x266.jpg 400w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/376961572_eff9249102.jpg 500w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/376961572_eff9249102-180x120.jpg 180w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-93873\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/92349434@N00\/376961572\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">ryan remillard<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>One example is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm\">a child being abused by an adult<\/a>.<\/strong>\u00a0The adult abuses the child, then tell him\/her they are special, beautiful, perhaps buys them gifts. Then the adult abuses the child again.<\/p>\n<p><strong>After several cycles, the child is confused by his or her<\/strong>\u00a0might start to confuse fear with excitement. Eventually the child can develop behaviours such as choosing to go see the abuser even if she is afraid of him.<\/p>\n<p><strong>As adults, trauma bonding can be far more subtle.<\/strong> We can be in a relationship where we are constantly <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/honesty-criticism-or-verbal-abuse.htm\">verbally criticised<\/a>,<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/feeling-let-down.htm\"> let down<\/a>, and manipulated. But sometimes our partner is \u2018so wonderful\u2019, we stick it out. Eventually, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/leave-unhappy-relationship.htm\">when we do try to leave, we can\u2019t<\/a>. We <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/panic-attack-vs-anxiety-attack.htm\">feel panicky<\/a> without the abusive partner, and rush back, no matter the advice of friends and family.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Having a partner who is an <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/drinking-too-much-alcohol.htm\">alcoholic<\/a> or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/club-drugs-and-therapy.htm\">drug addict<\/a> who goes in and out of recovery can be a form of trauma bonding.<\/strong> We live on the good moments, and when they fall off the wagon we stick it out on the promise that one day they\u2019ll get clean again.<\/p>\n<p>Other examples of trauma bonding include\u00a0a cult member with cult leaders, and hostages with kidnappers.<\/p>\n<h2>How does trauma bonding happen?<\/h2>\n<div id=\"attachment_93874\" style=\"width: 331px\" class=\"wp-caption alignright\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5551033595_fea99655dc.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" aria-describedby=\"caption-attachment-93874\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-93874\" src=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5551033595_fea99655dc-321x400.jpg\" alt=\"trauma bonding \" width=\"321\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5551033595_fea99655dc-321x400.jpg 321w, https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/wp-content\/uploads\/5551033595_fea99655dc.jpg 401w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 321px) 100vw, 321px\" \/><\/a><p id=\"caption-attachment-93874\" class=\"wp-caption-text\">By: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.flickr.com\/photos\/double-m2\/5551033595\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"nofollow noreferrer\" \">Double-M<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n<p><strong>Traumatic experiences throw you into survival mode<\/strong>. Your primal <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/fight-or-flight-response.htm\">fight, flight, or freeze response<\/a> is triggered, and in this case, it&#8217;s the freeze response.<\/p>\n<p>Your body will be on a constant or intermittent cortisol high, which will make you feel <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/dissociation.htm\">dissociated<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/foggy-brain.htm\">unable to think clearly<\/a>. And you will be working from your survival instincts, not logic, so you&#8217;ll look for what is good about the abuser and gloss over the horror.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Trauma bonding also happens in part because of<\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.drugabuse.gov\/publications\/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction\/drugs-brain\"> the science of addiction<\/a>. The brain is wired to repeat activities that cause a feeling of reward. And when we are suffering horribly, something small like a moment of kindness can seem such a reward we even experience a dopamine hit, which would also encourage us to be addicted to the abuser.<\/p>\n<blockquote><p><span style=\"color: #666699;\">If you try to leave a partner you are trauma bonded with, you might feel exhausted and even sick, just like someone coming off a drug. You tell yourself you just need to see them \u2018one more time\u2019, and just like that, you are back in the relationship, hooked again.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<h2>Why are you more susceptible to trauma bonding?<\/h2>\n<p><em>Why are some people always hooked into abusive relationships, and others not at all?<\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>If you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm\">suffered abuse as a child<\/a><\/strong>, or even neglect, and have never sought<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/abuse-counselling-london.htm\"> help to heal the wounding of childhood trauma<\/a>, you are more likely to be attracted to relationships that repeat the cycle of trauma bonding.<\/p>\n<h2>Why trauma bonding matters<\/h2>\n<p>Hopefully, after reading about trauma bonding, you can start to see how trauma bonding can be because of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm\">unresolved past trauma<\/a>, <strong>which is not your fault. <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Nor does it make you weak or unintelligent<\/strong> <strong>if you can\u2019t leave someone you are trauma bonded with.<\/strong> Your brain and physiology are in cycles of attachment and <a href=\"\/addiction-counselling-london.htm\">addiction<\/a> that anyone would struggle to break.<\/p>\n<h2>What should I do if I worry I have traumatic bonding?<\/h2>\n<p><strong>Traumatic bonding is not a simple thing. It can involve<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/addiction-help-guide.htm\">addiction<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/childhood-effects-of-trauma.htm\">childhood trauma<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p><strong>So it&#8217;s highly recommended you seek the support of a<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/difference-between-psychotherapy-and-counselling.htm\">counsellor or psychotherapist.<\/a> He or she can help you recognise what power you do have to step away.<\/p>\n<p>You might also want to read the next piece in this series, &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm\">How to Break Free of a Trauma Bonds<\/a>&#8220;.<\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #666699;\">Would you like to speak to a warm, friendly and experienced therapist who can help you with trauma bonding? We connect you with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/therapists.htm\">top therapists in central London<\/a> locations. <\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"color: #666699;\">Not in London, or even the UK?<\/span><\/strong>\u00a0<span style=\"color: #666699;\"><strong>For\u00a0<span style=\"color: #800080;\"><a style=\"color: #800080;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/therapists?location_type=skype&amp;utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?hl=en&amp;q=https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/therapists?location_type%3Dskype%26utm_source%3DHarley%2520Therapy%2520Blog%26utm_content%3DPost%2520End&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1529010645225000&amp;usg=AFQjCNFlhR15j38a2112sNB1DRqrIwtizw\">affordable counselling worldwide<\/a><\/span>, please visit our sister site\u00a0<a style=\"color: #666699;\" href=\"https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source=Harley%20Therapy%20Blog&amp;utm_content=Post%20End\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" data-saferedirecturl=\"https:\/\/www.google.com\/url?hl=en&amp;q=https:\/\/harleytherapy.com\/?utm_source%3DHarley%2520Therapy%2520Blog%26utm_content%3DPost%2520End&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1529010645225000&amp;usg=AFQjCNFSYWoqJyZ7L-w-aGo4cpGrxJUZCQ\">harleytherapy.com<\/a>\u00a0to book therapy by online or phone quickly and easily.\u00a0<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><em><strong>Still have a question about &#8216;what is trauma bonding?&#8217;. Ask below in our comment box, or share your experiences with our other readers.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"p2\"><span class=\"s1\" style=\"color: #333399;\">Andrea M. Darcy is a lifestyle and wellbeing writer as well as a coach who often writes about relationships. Find her @am_darcy<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>by Andrea M. Darcy Trauma bonding, or traumatic bonding, can mean you you unable to leave a relationship even when your partner treats you poorly. Do none of your friends understand why you stay? Did you perhaps have a childhood where you experienced a trauma? What is trauma bonding? In psychology \u2018bonding\u2019 refers to the [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":93872,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_uag_custom_page_level_css":"","_lmt_disableupdate":"yes","_lmt_disable":"no","footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[394,90],"class_list":["post-93864","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-abuse","tag-relationship-issues","has_thumb"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v27.3 (Yoast SEO v27.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-premium-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>What is Trauma Bonding? Is It Keeping You In a Bad Relationship? - Harley Therapy\u2122 Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What is trauma bonding? It means that you are emotionally and psychologically attached to someone who is abusive towards you. And if you have trauma bonding, you&#039;ll feel you can&#039;t leave the relationship or your life will be destroyed. How can you tell if you have trauma bonding?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.harleytherapy.co.uk\/counselling\/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_GB\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What is Trauma Bonding? Is It Keeping You In a Bad Relationship?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"What is trauma bonding? It means that you are emotionally and psychologically attached to someone who is abusive towards you. And if you have trauma bonding, you&#039;ll feel you can&#039;t leave the relationship or your life will be destroyed. 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