Is Repressed Anger the Real Reason Your Life Feels Stuck?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Are you the sort who likes to say, “I never get angry?”
But at the same time, are you also the sort who can’t get ahead in life, has trouble feeling energised and happy, perhaps feel like colleagues don’t like you or pick on you, and who constantly has the flu or a cold?
It might be that really you suffer from denied and repressed anger.
15 Signs you might have hidden and repressed anger
If you have a combination of the below symptoms, it might be you are denying your true emotions on a constant basis.
1. You are busy all the time.
Keeping busy is a sure fire way to have no time to feel things. This might include being quite codependent, taking care of other people’s issues instead of your own. And it often includes being a workaholic.
2. You are never angry but have constant mild depression.
The problem with blocking one emotion is that it often messes up or blocks our ability to feel other emotions, too, like joy and excitement. It also takes a lot of psychological energy to keep things repressed in our minds which can leave us feeling drained, leaving some to call depression ‘anger turned inwards’.
3. You are known for your sarcastic humour.
Repressed anger often parades as sarcasm, meanness, or an apathetic ‘I don’t care’ attitude.
4. You self-sabotage often.
Perhaps you are always late getting to work, are a student who skips classes, or don’t respond to opportunities you want until it’s too late and you’ve missed the boat.
5. You hate rejection.
The habit of repressing anger often stems from growing up in a household where showing emotion led to being silently ostracised. This can leave you a grownup with a deep fear of being rejected that surfaces in your relationships. It can also show up in your work environment, where you might get told you are oversensitive to criticism.
6. Little things really bother you.
Perhaps you are the one in the office always complaining if someone puts back the milk carton into the fridge with only a drop left in it, or the one at the gym who feels really upset if someone doesn’t wipe down equipment they have used. This is because bigger repressed anger is seeking an outlet and it comes out in the form of frustration and annoyance.
7. You suffer muscle tension.
Anger has to go somewhere, and often it goes to our body, leading to a tense jaw, sore upper back, or a constant tense stomach that can lead to ulcers (if this is you, you might want to try progressive muscle relaxation).
8. You suffer from ongoing fatigue, many colds or flu, or perhaps chronic pain.
As well as muscle tension repressed anger can lead to anxiety, which affects sleep, which then lowers your immune system. As for chronic pain, some specialists believe that psychogenic pain (physical pain caused or exacerbated by mental and emotional factors) can be a distraction to keep oneself away from repressed emotions, although this is still considered a controversial theory.
9. You have nervous habits.
Things like nail biting, chewing the inside of your mouth, or picking at your skin can all be signs of repressed anger.
10. You struggle with addictive behaviour.
It doesn’t have to be drugs or alcohol. It might be that you are a shopaholic, a love addict, an over-exerciser, or a food addict. Addiction is often a way to distract ourselves from things that feel painful, and if we are in pain over something, we are often very angry about it, too.
11. You need to be in control of your life.
If we are controlling emotions, it can lead to a desire to also control our exterior environment.
12. You’ve been accused of being passive aggressive.
Passive aggression happens when instead of expressing our anger directly we do it indirectly. This can include things like being nice to someone’s face but gossiping about them behind their back, or telling a partner we aren’t angry about something important like how they spent the month’s budget but calling them lazy for not putting the rubbish out.
13. You have trouble saying no.
As healthy anger is what leads us to set boundaries, never showing anger often means never saying no or even realising that you can.
14. On the rare occasion you do get upset, it tends to be a blowout.
You might only get properly upset once a year, but it tends to be explosive and something others live in fear of. This is what happens when there is a build up of emotions.
15. You feel happy all the time, just pure peace and love.
This kind of belief about oneself generally points to some deep-rooted denial. The human mind and emotional system is not one-sided. Nobody feels great all the time. If we did, we’d never learn anything, as we grow from being challenged and by contrast – which includes not always liking what other people do and say.
Why would I repress my anger?
It’s unlikely anyone wakes up one day and decides, “right, from now on I’ll just never feel angry”. We instead tend to repress anger without realising it, convincing ourselves we never have any such feelings as anger, are not the emotional type, or were just ‘born happy-go-lucky’.
The tendency to repress anger is instead an unconscious decision generally formed by the core beliefs you decided on as a child. Core beliefs are both decisions we make about how we’ll see the world and values we take on board about what is important, both derived from the things we see around us and the experiences we live through.
How does one develop the core belief that anger should never be expressed?
It might be that in your household emotions were over-expressed in an unhelpful way. Incessant and unproductive fights between your parents or family members could have lead the child you, from your then vulnerable perspective, to see anger as dangerous. This would be especially driven home if there was physical violence between your parents, even if it was just one occasion where something was thrown.
By: David Sim
If your parents fighting meant they had little time for you you might have learned anger meant you never got any attention. As an adult wanting success you’d see anger as something that would make you unnoticed. Or you might see anger as something that leads to ruin, if your parents divorced after years of fighting.
Growing up in a household where emotions are under-expressed, or not shown at all, can be just as damaging. Any show of emotion you had might have been met with silent disproval, a negating response like ‘don’t be silly, you’re not really upset’, or with a form of rejection that saw you sent to your room until you knew how to ‘behave like a good child’. Worse, you might have been shamed for being emotional. This can lead to being an adult with a core belief that if you show how you really feel you’ll not be accepted or loved, or an adult who is convinced they have no emotions at all.
Anger and codependency in childhood
Another way you might end up an adult who represses anger is if you grew up with a parent who encouraged a codependent relationship with them. This means your parent relied on you for their sense of happiness, perhaps making your the caregiver instead of them. You might have taken on board that you could not have negative emotions or you would destroy the happiness of those you love and their sadness would be all your fault. Such a child grows up to be an adult who only acknowledges their ‘acceptable’ side and denies the rest out of a deep rooted fear of rejection.
So what do I do if I think I’ve got a problem with repressing my anger?
Take the time to learn about healthy ways to deal with your anger, or even how to recognise your feelings in the first place. You can start with our article, “How to Deal With Anger“.
Consider working with a therapist. Repressed anger tends to have deep roots, going all the way back to childhood, and it can be hard to manage by yourself. A therapist creates a safe space for you to process your anger in productive ways. It’s especially important to reach out for help if you feel overwhelmed by your anger when you start to access it.
What is important about learning to release anger is that you release it for yourself in a safe way and realise that anger and violence are not the same thing. Healthy release of anger never involves abuse or violence of yourself or another, or any living being.
If you feel overwhelmed by your anger, and if at any time you fear you will hurt yourself or another or turn to violence, reach out for help. Call a therapist or a confidential hotline such as the Good Samaritans 24-hour hotline here in the UK at 08457 90 90 90.
Pictures by qthomasbower, a4gpa, Robert McGoldrick, marc falardeau, James Palinsad, Gisela Giardino, Jean-Pierre Dalbéra
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor who often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instgram @am_darcy
I would add to the list the belief that showing emotion will make you seem less credible to others (“I am less likely to be seen/heard by others if I show emotion” or “if I show emotion I will be ignored” or “If I show emotion I will never be respected by others again – they will discount everything I say and walk all over me”). I think that’s basically the same as the point you make about shame.
That’s a great point, thank you. Yes, repressed anger definitely happens when we think that showing emotion will make us weak or vulnerable.
Some of these are me. When it comes to the little things, my sense of pride can never be tried. But when it is I feel like,”how dare they make a fool of me, no one does that to me” so it makes me dangerously angry but I never take it out on anyone I just bottle it and stay silent to myself for a while and fantasise about putting that person in their place for challenging me. Definately wouldn’t make great company at that point. When’ my girlfriend asks what’s wrong I usually reply with a simple,” oh nothing it’s just a small headache. I don’t want to anyone to see what’s happening inside because losing my cool in front of someone is something I don’t do ever. Though bottling up anger is never good for your health sometimes it feels great to let it out when no one is around. I have problems but no one I know and or love can ever know for their sake. I don’t want them to be afraid of me and think I’m some sort of psycho. And to be clear I’d never hurt loved ones
You are not a psycho! The very fact that you are incredibly self aware is more than proof of this. It’s not a crime to have angry thoughts. Thought are just thoughts. And you sound very much aware of this and like you do your best to find release outlets. That said, it is a terrible shame that you are having to live a kind of double life where you feel you can’t relax and it does sound like it is affecting your ability to be authentic and form real intimacy with others, which is a hard way to live life. That anger has a root, and getting to that root in a supportive environment would be something to seriously consider. Sometimes things feel like they are a burden for life, but they absolutely don’t have to be.
i have been suffering from severe depression for 3 years and social anxiety for the previous 6 years.i have been fighting it alone.i did not want to show everybody my weak side,so i appeared to people as an “i got my life all figured it out” girl.i ended up losing contact with my emotions because when i was sad angry or happy i would pretend to always be happy and cool.And i ended up having severe depression for the past 3 yrs once it hit me,i felt like i didnot know who the fuck i was. and i ended up travelling to look for medication for my depression and study psychology.i got antidepressants and have been stable now for around 6 months ofcourse with depressive episodes every once twice or thrice in a month and just Today i discovered something called anger,,,,,,ofcourse i knew the word and its meaning but not in my vocabulary,i tried to remember the last time i was angry and expressed it,,,I couldnot,,i just end up piling emotions and blow up one day and would isolate myself untill i suppres it further and come back to the cool happy figured it all out girl.and the trend keeeps on!!!lord help. its been anger,,and other emotions i have been supressing and in the characteristics,,,,all me!!! sighhh.wish me good luck in this journey of trying to unload this heavy lord,,,thats been Haunting since age 11 now am turning 21 so technically a decade.lol.i dont even know why am smiling,,sarcasm i guess. thanks for reading
You know we live in a society that exalts the ‘good, together’ girl and really makes no room for the very necessary emotion called female anger. And repressed it becomes depression. So it’s really a breakthrough to let yourself acknowledge and feel anger! Its’ good to really find your own (safe) way to channel the anger out. Journalling, kickboxing, long runs, hitting a pile of pillows with a rolling pin even! You might also enjoy a book called “the Drama of Being a Child” by Alice Miller. It touches very clearly and in an easy to read way on how we grow up as on the surface perfect and successful but with absolutely no access to our emotions and secretly full of rage – despite seemingly ok or ‘nice’ childhoods.
THIS REALLY WAS A HELPFUL ARTICLE!!! I’m dealing nowadays with accepting my passive-aggressive behaviour, wich didnt even knew i had from years. This article really helped to open my eyes to some issues. Thanks a lot!!
Wow thanks so much, glad to be of help.
I have just had an episode of anger which came out after overreacting at my daughter. I see myself as a good calm parent most of the time but yesterday i saw red when my daughter behaved out of character. I later learned her actions were out of a mistake/miscommunication between us. She is a teenager and hormonal at times which i understand and i am constantly making an effort not to react to her incase i have an episode. I had a difficult childhood where anger wad shown alot by my dad and sister,so to not cause any problems i was the quiet one and kept everything in. I am wondering if i have suppressed anger and am fed up of the devastating affects my anger has when it rears its ugly head. I end up upsetting my daughter with my loud shouting and then feel guilty when i have calmed down. I then cant sleep for days and suffer anxiety. I have had therapy in the past and this week started therapy again for deep rooted problems. I just wish i didnt overreact. I hate my emotions mesding my relationships.
It’s really heartening to see that you have reached out for support and have help at hand. Good for you! What is very strong here is self judgement, and a deep rooted belief that you are just like a parent just for having any feelings at all that are not ‘calm’ or ‘good’. This would of course lead to horrible anxiety and guilt – trying to be perfect tends to! And if you spent your whole life trying to be the ‘perfect good child’, that anxiety can be immense. Here’s the thing. It’s OK to not be a perfect parent. It’s ok to yell now and then. It’s ok to make tons of mistakes. It does not make you into your parent. It makes you human. What is so obvious here is that you and your daughter talk. That is what matters, communication. Of course the idea that you don’t have to be perfect is one thing, but the actual living out of it is another. If we are programmed to feel we must be good and perfect, then that program can be stronger than any other information. What can help erode that programming to beat yourself up is self compassion. Interestingly, the more you work at having compassion for others, the more it becomes easier to be compassionate with others, meaning we ‘blow up’ less – all by being nice to ourselves! Read our piece here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/self-compassion.htm
This article is tremendously helpful. I have re-visited it again and again over the years to keep myself in check, and have shared it with many others through my own blog. I noticed most veterans who suffer from combat PTSD also deal with a lot of repressed anger and we’re working with our therapist to uncover its causes and release it in a safe and healthy way. This is allowing us all to heal. Thank you so much for putting it out there. It was a catalyst on the road to recovery.
Gosh thank you so much, we are so happy it’s been useful, it’s very important to us to get useful information out there. Keep up the good work in spreading the word and moving forward, PTSD from combat is no easy task to work through.
I’m an alcoholic for the past 4 years, anger I think builds up over years, personally it makes makes me feel anxious, depressed, and I can’t talk to anyone, if I do talk to someone how I feel bust out in tears!, I know how you lot feel, your not alone 😊
Thanks for sharing Liam. This is a great explanation of anger! People think they are not angry as they are not yelling or being mean, etc, but really anxiety/depression/unable to communicate are all ways anger can manifest. And tears, definitely. Anger and sadness are two sides of one coin in most people’s experiences. Those tears are good though, they get things moving. We hope you have the support you need to work this through, and again, thanks for your input
I’ve dealt with depression many times in my life and I’ve seen therapists as well and I know that it had nothing to do with my self-esteem nor obesity. I just realized it’s from repressed anger and at this point in my life I’m like an alarm the moment,I’m triggered I make a scene. I don’t know if I’m mad at myself for being fat for as long as I have and not doing anything about it despite wanting to or is it because I’ve always wanted to achieve things but I ‘just don’t” at all. I really don’t understand where this anger is coming from but this article helped give me an idea. I’m hurting my loved ones with how overly sensitive I’ve been the past few months and It’s driving me insane. I don’t want to get depressed again, it was horrible and I don’t want to keep experiencing it, and I have social anxiety that is crippling my life choices and actions. I’m not living like I should be. please help.
This is a really big realisation and we applaud you. What’s sad is the way you immediately turn the anger against yourself, that it must be yourself you are mad at. It’s more likely that the anger is deep rooted and you are mad about things that happened in your past but have repressed it for a long, long time. And here’s the thing. You are not a bad person to feel angry! It is not a crime to feel angry, it does not make you unloveable. It just means you feel angry. Anger is an emotion like any other. We all feel it sometimes. The problem is in our western society we have made this horrible decision to make some emotions bad and others good, meaning many of us repress these emotions, and, yes, it does seem that repressed emotions are often connected to weight issues, although their is no scientific ‘proof’. So here’s the thing. You are dealing with a lot by yourself it sounds like, not able to trust others to understand your emotions but worried you are hurting them. Could you reach out for support? Learning to access and release anger can be quite scary at first (if seriously worthwhile as a process). Support is super important, and it will help with the depression and the social anxiety, too. If money is a problem, look for our piece on low cost counselling. And if your social anxiety means you hate leaving the house, that’s what Online therapy is for! Also, you might find our piece on anger management useful https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/anger-management-help-guide.htm. In summary, no matter how awful it all feels, this message hows how you really do care about yourself and really are trying, you are having breakthroughs, and we really believe with the right support you can move forward. We wish you courage!
I have 12/15 of the signs of repressed anger. I was emotionally numb for many years. When my father died the grief broke through the wall I had blocking emotions. I have been in therapy with my psychiatrist since then 30 months so far. We have a strong relationship with well established trust and safety. He explained today that unresolved issues and unexpressed anger have led to protracted grief. I am unable to cry which he explained is because if I cry I will feel the anger I never let out. The therapy had to start with me learning to identify what I was feeling. Anger has been by far the most difficult. I grew up in the under emotional house where the silent treatment was used and I was shamed for expressing emotion. I hope anyone reading this who is considering therapy takes that step. It will help you understand yourself better than you thought you ever could. I thought I was weak for needing help at first….the opposite is true. It takes courage and strength to start and stay in therapy but worth it.
Wow THANK YOU for sharing this PJ! So super useful. It’s always great to hear that therapy has helped, and we are so, so glad you have found a good therapist that you can trust and feel safe with. We 100% agree with you. It’s the strong who seek therapy. Good for you for being so courageous.
I, too, like many people here, have a history of depression, social anxiety, & repressed feelings of anger & frustration…but I find that most of it is directed towards my mother. Unfortunately, we live in the same house. It feels as though we hardly ever see eye to eye on anything. When she is angry, she can be passive aggressive or overly bossy, or the worst is when she tends to blow up or make snide, nasty comments about my things or actions. And I find that I am unable to move or speak, let alone defend myself against the onslaught. It is like I am frozen to the spot, even though I’m secretly screaming inside for her to back off and respect my space & privacy. And any time I do attempt to stand up to her, she ends up throwing it back in my face and we get into a big shouting match, that she usually wins. I feel like she is controlling my life and I’ve been to therapy a few times, but so far, they have been unhelpful. I just want to know how to deal with this and how to deal with her in a much more healthy way before my health deteriorates even more than it has, because moving away is currently not an option. How do I let her know that she is deeply hurting me emotionally without sounding like a whining child? How do I get her to listen?
CR, what you are talking about is patterns of communicating and behaving that have been built over a life time. It’s simply not possible to give you a guide to fix it in a comment box we are afraid. But we do agree with you that this kind of dynamic can entirely destroy one’s health. You say ‘moving away is currently not an option’. Why is that? Are you too young? Or disabled in some way that means you need care? Otherwise, have you sat down and made a very concise list of every single thing that would have to be done to mean you could move out? And started to find the support to make a small step in that direction each day? Sometimes when we say ‘not an option’ we haven’t actually completely looked at options. Or we are missing another perspective. As for therapy being unhelpful, did you stick out the therapy for at least four sessions each time before deciding that it wasn’t helpful? It takes time for therapy to work, you need to develop trust with the counsellor. Obviously with this sort of mother relationship trust won’t be a natural, so you need to let therapy have a chance. We would highly suggest therapy as this sort of unhealthy relating and troubled mother relationship causes deep patterns that affect all areas of our life, but if money is an issue and a life coach is a cheaper option he or she could at least help you figure out the blocks to moving out and how to overcome them. Hope that helps.
i just want to respond to cr….your experience sounds much like my own in my parents home…..
i put myself in therapy when i felt i was at my wits end, tried everything, nothing worked
i learned that my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder. The therapist had met her and confirmed this…..and then another therapist i went to later on confirmed this as well ……i have so much emotional healing work to do now that i’m out of the house and quite scarred, i’m already about 2 years in therapy, growing steadily and changing…… please go for professional help to learn how to set safe boundaries and learn who you really are, someone worthy of love, of expression, of connection…!
i wish for you healing, true guidance and strength!!
and to the author of this article, thank you! i’m actually discovering anger these past few months as my self esteem and sense of worthiness grows……its a whole new experience
(i’m 25, lived numb for years, took pride in not having emotions…….)
Naomi thank you SO MUCH for sharing. It’s really hard to have a BPD mother and we are so excited to hear that you are making progress now you have support. And thank you for the feedback on the article, we are very committed to our outreach and we are always honoured to hear it has had an effect. We wish you well on the journey.
Thank you for your article. My repressed anger prompts me to cry, almost at the drop of a hat, on certain triggers occasions, like when my emotional or physical safety seems threatened. It comes from many years of childhood emotional neglect where my emotional needs were not validated, acknowledged, or able to be expressed. So, I have lived my life holding it in, because I can’t express my anger because the prominent people around me can not handle it. My parents, my ex-husband, my child. They sense that this is a way of controlling me, I guess. I’m 58 years old, and have a plethora of health problems because of this. How can I help myself to heal from all this repressed anger? Are there any good books that you could recommend about dealing with repressed anger? I’m reading “Running on Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Neglect”, but now I’m ready for the next step of dealing with the repressed anger. Thank you for your suggestions.
Hi Laurie, thanks for sharing this. We can’t actually think of another book but will post this so that maybe other readers can make suggestions. It sounds like there is a lot going on here. Not feeling supported, feeling like everyone is against you, intellectually understanding it but not actually seeing much progress. Have you considered therapy? It certainly sounds like there is more than enough reason to work with a therapist. And working with a therapist would get you away from an intellectual understanding and into an emotional processing of your experience, which is where the healing happens.
When i read some people bad situations, it aloows me to remember what life for me used to be like before progressing to this total lack of intimacy woth myself and others and lack of authenticity that is so extreme i feel like a fringe dweller. Like the only relationships that would work for me are the ones in which there is a trade going on. Money. Sex. Something debased. Im struggling with this currently. I am 27 years old female living in a nursing home. I think I have been in codependent abusive relationships for eight years I never wanted to be in on the back of my moms rage and disapproval with no foreseeable solution bc she doesnt really care that I have closure about our issues. She just threatened me all the time in a way that made me fear for my life like knowing i only worked one part time job telling me i needed to move out in two weeks and i had no one to ask just because i did something alledfedly that made her mad that was not something she ever wanted to deal with.. And i didnt know about mental homes or other living facilities. After 12 years of her abuse I have ptsd, no sense of self bc i am so repressed and a doormat. I dont feel good about anything bc I am making every decision automatically without thinking saying what I think in my loneliness, other people wanna hear. Im so dry its amazing people are only just noticing. I cant get past hello bc it makes me panic. My resting bitch face looks like plastered disdain bc i cant be angry god forbid at people i dont even know. Idk how or why life became this way. This article is helpful though. Im jist starting therapy in my life this year. Next week.
Margaret we are really glad to hear you about to start therapy. Good for you for taking that big step. Be patient with it at first, it takes time to start to see results and at first can feel strange. But it will definitely help you look at all of this. It sounds like you’ve had a really tough, codependent relationship with your mother. You need to find yourself. The you behind the anger and the sadness and the sense of rejection. Because that you is there. And she is probably a really nice, loving person, who is just afraid if she dares to be nice and loving she’ll get hurt and rejected. Therapy will help you learn how to relate to others in ways that mean you can be this real you but also take care of this real you. We wish you courage with it all!
I got a question that needs an answer? Growing up I didn’t get much love from my parents. my Dad left at three years old? My mother was told by the doctors that I need a Dad. Growing up I felt alone. My mother didn’t know how to love or give love that a child needed.She said things like”Your right like your Father” but in a mean way always trying to control me.I have trouble making friends an relationship because I feel something missing inside me. I have been told that I’m good looking…. in which I know? I go around looking for something in people in their faces and still feel lost inside? Like i’m in a deep hole. At around 40 years of age, I found my Father, and realized that my mother was right. I know that I’m nothing like my Father. Now, both of my parents are dead but I still have problems. I have never been happy my life…. maybe three seconds and that was because a girl wanted a show me how to dance without me asking her? I have trouble telling the difference between like and love? I’m intelligent but over think things to much. When I was young, I would think that I was good looking like Tom Cruise and that was my edge that I had over people. Until One day I saw another boy ….. thinking to myself. He look better than me. It kind of stuck me as odd. So I’m still lost at 53 years of age and still don’t know the real me. I only know that I’m not like my Father. Could it be that I haven’t met the right person? is it fear of rejection? Or maybe I not that good looking at all? When I look at someone, I can see all their faults, What they are about? And yet inside I know how wonderful It is being me, kind, always helpful, caring but showing no emotions. It hard for people to understand why a good looking guy is so sad and all alone?? My doctor has increase my meds to 40 mg prozac but I don’t think it’s enough. Is there any way to discover what my problem is? I believe some of it’s fear and repressed anger because I heard my inner voice while taking a shower to tell me” Don’t get mad” I’m very depressed yet have no desire to hurt myself. What do you do when the pain hurts so much that you go inside yourself and can’t remember who you are? I have been at therapy before and talk and talk? I know the problem has something to do with love? Is it that I don’t love myself or that no one loves me the way I see love? Or maybe it’s my thinking and I’m normal? I seem to have a conflict of emotions going inside me. Can you please me help me see the light? I know from an intelligent point that most likely you with say that I’m in need of more therapy…. more talking? I’m done talking? I know that action is require on my part? can you help me?
Mark, if we could help anyone over just a comment, and in a few lines, god knows we would. Sadly we are only people like you, and problems like this take a lifetime to create so nobody can come along and snap fingers and fix it. That said, this is far from a hopeless situation. When we read this what becomes really apparent is that you are really, really lonely. Starved for connection, even. And wanting someone to come along and care. Does that ring true? This happens when we grow up without proper attachment, meaning we don’t have an adult figure we can trust to love us and take care of us just as we are. We end up adults who don’t quite understand how to connect, feel lost, and find ourselves suffering huge anxiety should we try to get close to someone. And we end up with really, really low self esteem, sure that only someone else can ‘save’ us. Well there is nobody out there who can save you except that person looking at you in the mirror – You. No partner, however perfect, can give you the self esteem you’ve got to find for yourself. But you CAN fix this situation. We truly believe that. We’ve seen similar situations completely turn around. We are terribly sorry to hear that you were just thrown on meds, we assume you are in America where this is sadly all too common. It’s heartbreaking because what people need is support, to learn how to connect and make friends, and to figure out who they are. It also sounds like you had some pretty crap therapy. Unfortunately there are a lot of terrible therapists out there and the other thing is that all types of therapy are not for all people! If you suffered any sort of trauma, which it sounds like you might have, the trauma of not feeling loved, then talk therapy can essentially ‘re-traumatise’ you. You end up feeling worse. What would be a great idea would be to work towards getting stable and being able to actually have some good thoughts. So yes, we would recommend therapy, but not a kind where you talk about your past, but a short term kind that focuses on the here and now and helps you gain control over your negative, self attacking thoughts. It’s called cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Try to find a therapist who you feel comfortable around. Otherwise, we’d recommend you learn mindfulness – it’s a free tool http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout and also learn about gratitude http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise also a free tool. And try some good self help books – our CEO and founder swears by “Feeling Good – the New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. Anyway. We hope that helps. Again, if we could help more, we would.
Grew up in house just like one described. A lot of unproductive arguments and sporadic physical violence between parents. Parents divorced at 16, lived with mother and managed her feelings as she became quite alcohol dependent. Life kind of fell apart and started using drugs and alcohol quite heavily. Developed a pornography addiction which I still have at 29. Have been bullied all my life and cannot get angry about it!!! I don’t know how to access anger, except sometimes I am quite self-pitying and I use my addiction as a release. My wife has BPD and PTSD and I definitely get codependent and convince myself I am managing her feelings by repressing my negative emotions. She encourages me to express them but I find it difficult and she can only deal with small amounts at a time. I have had two therapists, saw both for a year each and neither identified repressed anger as an area I should work on. That’s quite frustrating really… going back to therapy with the specific goal of working on repressed anger might yield better results though. Thanks for the post. Reading Sue Gerhardt and Paul GIlbert got me looking at repressed anger as something to be addressed. Any more recommended authors?
Hi William, thanks for sharing all this! We can’t think of any recommends off the top of our heads but perhaps other readers will chime in. It’s definitely frustrating they didn’t identify anger as something to work on. But you sound really self aware and brave, and we agree that going back to therapy and being really up front that you want to work on anger sounds a great plan. We wish you courage!
You did an excellent job on this subject.
Thanking You
Thanks.
Hi Harley Therapy
Thank you for this. It has really helped.
Best wishes
Chris
Glad to hear!
Hi There,
Thank you for this blog. I have found it very illuminating.
Are you able, please, to recommend any self help or other books on the subject of repressed anger/rage – particularly that stemming from a childhood immersed in Christian fundamentalism and where one’s parents were also co-dependent on the child due to chronic illness and to their own unresolved emotional issues?
I look forward to your reply.
hi Steve, I’m really glad it’s helpful. It’s a great question. Nothing exact is coming to mind re repressed anger. But rather coincidentally, I too grew up in extreme Christian fundamentalism with a mentally unwell/often sick mother…. and had really strong repressed anger issues… (I wrote this piece actually)….books that helped me were 1) Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, the classic on codependency 2) the Drama of Being a Child by Alice Miller and 3) the Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck and 4) the Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford, actually all of her books on Shadow Work. These books don’t directly address anger but more the loss and recovery of self, which I think is the reason we are so enraged. Christianity and codependency mean a child lives his or her life forced to completely hide his or her self to the extent as an adult they can struggle to know who they are and have anger… no wonder, when their entire childhood emotions were not allowed and we had to be ‘good’ or suffer consequences. I also follow a writer named Jim Palmer on Facebook who says amazing stuff about recovering from fundamental Christianity. Hope that helps, if I think of others I’ll let you know. Best, Andrea/Editor
Hi Andrea,
Thank you for your kind and supportive reply. How reassuring! I am really touched by what you write. I feel that I have hit a rich seam. I’ve been working on my issues for many years and write about them, too. The loss and rediscovery of self has been a main theme running through a lot of my work but somehow the repressed rage aspect seems to cleverly evade proper attention and yet still haunt me. I think that you may well be right that this loss of self as a child through conformity to the will of others has a great deal to do with why we are so angry.
Thank you so much for the book titles. I’m familiar with Peck but will look up the others. I will also check out Jim Palmer.
I look forward to any further titles that you may discover.
Sincerely, Steve.
Glad to have helped!.
Hi. I’m suffering from consistent anxiety depression OCD from the past 3-4 years. When I read the book Letting Go by David R Hawkins , that’s when it struck me that maybe I’ve been repressing my anger , because things happened in my past, I had a huge fight with my only friends when I just blamed ppl and that got me nowhere , then guilt compounded it all and I started blaming myself. And then , intellectually I do understand that it’s noone’s fault and stuff, but I feel like this consistent pressure in my head, like it’s alwysa there. And after all that happened with me, which I later concluded that ‘it wasn’t that big a deal, you’re so dramatic to have fought for such stupid reasons!!’ I think that’s when I just became gulping anger instead of Expressing it or experiencing it. And now I’m in such a place, where there’s so much self criticism at literally the smallest things!! I have OCD so I’m v v v critical about myself to be perfect and feel terribly bad when I don’t achieve that perceived perfection. But now, I mean, I can t really sort out my emotions, there’s guilt, there’s blaming others, blaming myself, there’s so much fear, and repressed anger(which I don’t understand what and how to access), it’s like a fix where I don’t know what to do now. Therapy here in my place is literally not helpful. I feel I can go about do something on my own , because I am able to function somehow but only if I knew what I am supposed to do.
Hi Khushboo, it’s great that you are so ready to work on yourself and are so committed. We are sorry to hear the therapy isn’t going well. Did you get to choose who you work with, or were they assigned to you? on that front we’d recommend you discuss your feelings about that with the therapist. Just share that you are not feeling it’s as helpful as you hoped and have a conversation about it. When we read the blurb about this book you mention (we haven’t read it) what strikes us is it’s insistence of ‘getting away from negativity’ and feeling only good. We think this is a dangerous path, surprising he was a psychiatrist. This too often leads to clients suppressing and denying even more and being even more mad at themselves for not living up to some totally unrealistic and actually unhelpful goal. It’s a western concept that enlightenment means feeling good all the time. A real Tibetan monk would probably laugh at this notion. Enlightenment, as a proper historical concept, is far more about acceptance. And not even judging things as good/bad in the first place. In any case, you might want to read about self compassion, we do have article on it here http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT also journalling in specific ways to release old emotions http://bit.ly/journalmentalhealth and finally mindfulness, you can use our free guide, it’s a great tool http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Hope that helps!
How to clear the hidden anger? Where do I get help. Tried with different therapists locally. They were not able to help or not having enough to help
Hi Bala, anger takes years to build up, it won’t just vanish over night. It requires commitment, hard work, and the willingness to stick out therapy even if it feels hard or uncomfortable. It is important to find a therapist you are comfortable with, but then after that you do need to see it as a relationship and stay the course. You say you tried with different therapists, how many sessions did you do before giving up? We’d also need to know what your issues are before we could recommend a type of therapy. Anger is a symptom, we’d need to know what the underlying causes were. Trauma, PTSD, childhood neglect, etc. If it’s trauma of some sort it might be best to start with a round of CBT. This is a short term therapy that doesn’t dive into your past but helps you gain control of your thoughts and behaviours. You might also want to look into clinical hypnotherapy. Best, HT
Hello. This is my first time on this site. I’ve been looking through many sites since I was a child in an effort to control my anger and I’ve got to say that some of the things I’ve read here are fairly accurate to what I’m experiencing. Specifically, passive aggressive behavior, trouble saying no, and bursts of anger. I’ve recently thought about getting some help for a while now as intrusive thoughts and seemingly random bouts of anger/rage makes it difficult to meaningfully connect to people and function in life. I believe that most emotions and actions are not without reason and that what I’m feeling may be the culmination of many different childhood experiences.
I am presently 18 and I can passably function in school and at home. I have brought up my thoughts to my guardians, although they are not open to the thought of mental help as they believe I am ‘fine’ and would grow out of it. They would prefer to keep their privacy and not bring strangers close to the family unless needed. Presently they do not yet see a need. Previously I’ve been offered a chance to be examined by a professional 2 years prior due to my involvement with a case. The reasoning is that the nature of the case may have led to a traumatic experience and would be used as evidence should the case be pushed through. However that was declined by my guardians for the same reasons stated above. Since the incident I’ve noticed a lack of interest in things I used to like doing, motivation to continue projects, and bouts of frustration, anger, and violence to objects and on occasion, myself and others. This has continued on till now and I find myself realizing that whatever this was wasn’t “going away” when left alone. I used to also get the “shakes” when thinking about the case and have had nightmares about it. The nightmares are gone for the most part and I don’t have the “shakes” as time passed, however the intrusive thoughts are still there. To curtail the intrusive thoughts I’ve started distancing myself from things that trigger my anger and have tried to focus on other things such as my studies. I’ve also done meditation and mental exercises. While I’m aware it’s inadvisable to avoid what seems to be a growing problem, for the most part it worked. I planned to continue busying myself all through summer however with the Pandemic I find myself unable to busy myself and am instead left to dwell on these thoughts when alone. When I dwell, I tend to feel a pounding headache and pain in my chest and hot white anger. The urge to hit and punch annoyances also grows and it’s an ugly side I’m well aware of.
This is my first time reaching out in any forum or online source. What should I do? I have a feeling this isn’t just normal teenage angst and anger haha. I feel lonely and disconnected when my anger gets the better of me. I don’t want to assume anything and advice to understand what’s happening would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi there A. First of all, this is a very well reasoned and written comment. You are obviously a highly intelligent person, and pro-active, too, making effort through meditation, etc. We’ll say what we notice here. The use of the word guardians over parents or grandparents or foster parents etc. It’s a very distanced word, and we aren’t sure what your relationship is with them, but it’s clearly not a warm, connected one. We feel that you feel overlooked and not listened to. Which is not surprising given that your concerns are consistently brushed aside. We also wonder if this triggers any experience from a young child where you felt overlooked and undervalued, if this goes much deeper than the recent trauma (which sounds tough in and of itself and could alone cause ongoing emotional shock or PTSD). In summary, it’s hardly surprising you’d feel full of rage and lonely. It’s a particularly lonely experience if we gather our courage to ask for support but don’t get it. But what we’d also say is that you are 18 now. That is, at least in the UK and the USA, an adult, legally old enough to seek help by yourself. There are also, in both UK and USA and many other countries, free charities and mental health help lines for young people. So you might want to start by googling to see what is available in your area (we have a UK guide here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines). Or seeing if there is any free to low cost counselling in your area. If you are at college, most now provide free or low cost counselling. Finally, we’d say that soon you will move out and be independent, and that creates huge changes for most people, particularly if we are locked in unhealthy patterns and power struggles with our parents or guardians. We tend to be far less angry when we are in charge of every decision we make, so it might also be that you are becoming an adult and chafing under the control of your guardians. So hang in there, seek what support you can, and know that things do get better.
Wow this article is like my life on a page, especially the title. I think I should seek some help. I grew up with a Father who was very short tempered, most times I didn’t even know what I had done wrong. I rejected anger as a wasted emotion and gave it no place in my life. I proudly tell people I never get angry and it is impossible to make me angry. But of course all I am doing is suppressing these feelings and they are manifesting in bad ways. Thanks for sharing.
VS that is a great realisation.When we never get angry we also tend to never feel real joy, never set boundaries, never be able to truly connect with others…… anger when expressed in safe ways is very useful. Best, HT
I am 13/15 of these but I do not know why I have a great life and few to no bad stuff happen to me I have been wondering if I have some sickness or something wrong with me. I used to be fine but started getting worse a year ago when I broke my arm and had my first outburst on the basketball court and threatened him when I saw his face after I calmed down I was terrified of myself. After that, it started happening monthly and now it happens almost once a week. Now I am only 13 and have a great life but have random outbursts out of normal. I just had one and don’t even remember what happened all I remember is me screaming and hitting myself. what do I do?
Hi Adam, it’s important to talk to someone about this. Is it possible to share what you are going through with your parents? We have an article on talking to your parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. If that can’t work, is there someone else? A counsellor at school? We can’t really say what it is as we don’t know you. It could be a combination of things. Hormonal changes can be a culprit at your age, when your brain is also still growing as well. And we don’t know how you broke your arm, but if it was a traumatic experience PTSD can cause anger. And you can end up with PTSD after a traumatic accident. if you at all hit your head when you broke your arm definitely see a medical doctor as anger is also related to head injuries. Other than that it could be frustration about life or things you don’t remember happened in the past – most of us block out unwanted memories. In summary, a medical checkup couldn’t hurt, and if that produces nothing some counselling is always helpful. Best, HT.
I know this is an old article.. but I had to thank you for it. I am trying to work with my therapist on allowing myself to feel / express anger but I can hardly even put the words “healthy” and “anger” in the same sentence! I googled and most articles are about anger control, but I need to let go.
Hi Lori, glad it helped! And glad to hear you are trying therapy. Anger is there for a reason, it has a lot to teach us. But working through it takes time and patience. Sounds like you are on the right path. Best, HT.
For 25 years, I was unaware of my problem. But recently something happened I found that I have been angry for many years. I read your blog(thanks about that and the way you answered questions) and I can say I have all signs. These days I feel even worse. I never remember my dreams but these days I constantly dream screaming crying. I’m fed up and can’t do anything but sleeping. The problem is I see the person that I hate constantly and can’t do anything about that. I really bother the people around me. Sorry I just need talk to someone about it.
You can’t change anything about another person, that is true. What you do have a lot of power to change is yourself. We’d suggest you reach out for support. Counselling can help you move through all this anger to the point you no longer react if you see that person. You might even discover this anger is way older and nothing to do with that person even but related to a pattern of helplessness from childhood. Best, HT.
Very interesting article. I’m a mid-20s autistic woman and honestly for my entire life I can’t recall a single time I’ve felt a way I would describe as “angry”. I understand the idea well enough, and I think the closest thing that I’ve felt is frustration, like I’ve definitely had times before when I’ve tried and failed to explain something to someone, or something has tested my patience, but in every scenario like that I would describe my feelings more as sad than angry. This has never really bothered me or anything, and in fact it’s usually something I feel proud of as I consider anger to be a generally destructive and unhelpful emotion. But it is something that I do think about sometimes and would be happy to understand better. I deal with various problems that stem from alexithymia; I don’t really perceive things like “tone of voice”, or making faces, so I kind of have “R.B.F.” and I can come off as generally apathetic or depressed, even when I’m fine. I found this article especially interesting because I do deal with about half the things listed. I am constantly busy, I have depression, I employ sarcasm pretty often, I deal with muscle tension and fatigue, I have quite a few nervous habits like chewing my nails, and I have been accused of passive aggression, even though I honestly still don’t fully understand what passive aggression even is or looks like. So, I don’t know for sure if I have repressed anger or anything. I do suppose I have a lot of reasons to repress any anger I feel. I’ve seen both my parents angry more than enough times, they fought a lot when I was younger and my Mom was often angry with me as a child. So I guess it’s possible I subconsciously decided feeling anger was only a bad thing. That being said, I do still feel like the cons of anger outweigh the few pros. It just doesn’t seem like an emotion that’s very productive or pleasant to feel. Hard to say, I suppose it’s something I’ll bring up once I find my next therapist. Anyway, thanks for the piece, it was a good read.