Known to “Zone Out”? The Dangers of Dissociation
By: Victor Jeg
We can all ‘space out’ now and then. We get to work and realise we haven’t noticed a thing we walked past, or find we are on the last biscuit without realising.
And when big life change comes, again, it’s a normal response to feel overwhelmed. Anyone who has lost their job, or lost a loved one, knows that days can roll together in a sort of fog.
But what if you zone out more often then most? If you constantly find that at the very moment you need to be sharp-witted or share your feelings, you are lost in the clouds and unable to come down?
Then you could be suffering a more serious psychological response called ‘dissociation’.
What is dissociation?
Dissociation is when instead of staying present in the face of stress you exit your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations and zone out. It’s considered a defence mechanism in psychoanalytic theory.
By: Andrea Rose
And what is a defence mechanism? They are coping methods we develop as children to handle difficult situations and feel less pain.
Dissociation, for example, is actually a very smart tactic for a child growing up in a stressful environment. Connected to the brain’s primal ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ stress response, the child must choose ‘freeze’ as they are too young and vulnerable to run off and obviously can’t fight against an adult. They go numb, floating away from their thoughts and feelings.
Of course the problem comes when we pull dissociation, so useful as a child, into our adult lives. Going blank when your partner wants a serious discussion or feeling like you are floating out of your body when your boss asks your opinion on a merger in a board meeting? Not so useful.
The very coping mechanism that got you through childhood, left unrecognised, will sabotage your adult life and leave you mired in shame, feeeling misunderstood, and even unable to reach your potential.
What does dissociation look like? Signs to watch for
- you often feel ‘spacey’, ‘floaty’, or like your brain is ‘foggy’
- you might even get sleepy whenever life gets challenging
- people say you are really calm under stress, but the truth is you are just numb
- the more stressful a situation, the less you can think clearly
- you can have a sense you are watching your life instead of in it, as if life is a movie you are watching
- when people ask how you are feeling you find it difficult to know
- others often get frustrated as they think you aren’t listening
- you have delayed reactions – what you really wanted to say or do in a situation a day or several days later but very rarely in the moment
- you might sometimes even feel disconnected from your body, as if you aren’t quite in it
- you can easily overlook important details and forget moments
- you had a difficult or traumatic childhood
- you suffered abuse as a child or teenager
Why me? How dissociation develops
By: Shelby Steward
Again, as a defence mechanism, dissociation develops when you are young and need a way to escape feeling threatened.
Of all defense mechanisms, dissociation is the one most related to trauma. Most children who suffered abuse, either sexual abuse, physical abuse, or emotional abuse, develop the habit of dissociation. Children growing up in violent or unstable environments are also common candidates, such as children of addicts.
The dangers of dissociation
Why does it matter if you tend to ‘vacate the premise’ when life gets a bit too demanding? There are several reasons to be concerned, which can include:
- you miss opportunities as others think you aren’t interested when you are
- others see you as cool and aloof when you really aren’t
- you miss out on the chance to communicate how you really feel
- you upset others by not being responsive when they need you to be
- when you do decide how you think and feel (days later) it’s too late
- you don’t actually process your reactions and emotions but repress them
- your repressed emotions can lead to depression and anxiety
- relationships can suffer, leaving you dealing with loneliness
- you can under-perform in life if you disassociate too much
- you can settle for unhealthy relationships and situations because you overlook reality and details
And, if your dissociation goes unrecognised and unresolved and you then experience more life trauma, there is a higher risk of developing a more serious dissociative disorder, such as multiple personality disorder or depersonalisation-derealisation disorder . These can include symptoms like not recognising yourself in the mirror, feeling like your body isn’t part of you, or feeling like you are more than one person.
What can I do if I have a problem with dissociation?
Defence mechanisms tend to be so second nature it can be hard to even notice when they start and end. Writing a journal in the evening can be helpful. Where in the day did you dissociate? What do you really feel and think now, compared to what you thought you did when zoned out?
It’s suggested dissociation is also connected to the nervous system. It’s as if your body is a computer that reaches overload for input then just shuts down. It could be postulated that those with traumatic childhoods would be more likely to have a sensitive nervous system that overloads – jumpiness is a major symptom of PTSD, for example.
So work to find ways to ground and calm yourself. This might be taking up mindfulness meditation, or yoga, or trying visualisation techniques that help you feel centred.
A counsellor or psychotherapist can be quite necessary to truly break the pattern of dissociation. He or she can make sure you have the support and safe environment necessary to navigate past painful experiences, and try new and more effective behaviours.
Talk therapy can be intense, and for someone with a habit of ‘checking out’ under stress there is a chance you’ll be more overloaded and feel the urge to disengage even more. So it’s important to seek a therapist who is experienced and understand how to work with clients with dissociation.
Harley Therapy only offers therapists who have at minimum five-year clinical experience, and provides therapists worldwide via Skype counselling.
Do you have a question about dissociation we haven’t answered? Ask below in the comment box.
I had a driving test, at first I was extremely nervous and could seem to settle my nerves with breathing techniques, I started convincing myself I had already failed, then straight after a tricky manouver I zoned out and right before a round about with 2 cars turning right, my examener had to put the brake on me actually failing, I told him I convinced myself I had failed and he told me I hadn’t. But it was the zoning out that got me worried.
Hi Jill, thanks for sharing this. It does sound like dissociation. If as a child we trained ourselves to zone out when we felt in danger or like someone would think we were not good enough and hurt us, that pattern can continue to adulthood. Whenever stress arises the zone out will start. Breathing techniques are good, as is mindfulness. But if you suspect it might be all connected to a certain experience or time in your life when you felt unsafe, and if this pattern is making life really difficult, it’s worth talking to a counsellor about it.
Hey i have a problem zoning out alot and sometimes not realizing that i did sometimes i see something like visions and alot of times its blank. I always feel numb emotionally. My gf worries cause i zone out alot in a very short time period like im in a trance. She said i zoned out for mins at a time and she has a hard time snappin me out of it. Is there a way i can get control of it?
It does sound like dissociation. You can’t ‘control’ dissociation as it’s an ingrained reaction to stress of the primal brain. What you can do is get to the bottom of what is behind it, often a childhood trauma or a stressful experience later in life. If you are open to chatting to a counsellor, it’s might be worthwhile to do so. If you don’t have the budget, try googling ‘low cost counselling’ with your area code.
I have major moments that I do not remember. Like my sister says I was there for the birth of her 3rd child. I don’t remember it at all. No matter how hard I try. When my family talks to me I tend to zone out. There have been moments where I have been on such a euphoric high its like I am completely and uncontrollably drunk and don’t remember all the details. I have had sex and not remembered.
Hi Shannon, it would be a great idea to talk about this with a mental health professional if you haven’t already. A counsellor or psychotherapist, for example. Those are fairly serious lapses of memory, and it might be connected to something other than just dissociation. We can’t give any kind of diagnosis or advice without knowing you, as it would be inaccurate, but, for example, euphoric highs with blackouts of memory can be part of bipolar disorder. Hope that helps.
Unfortunately the term can be vague unless you clearly and obviously check out, or do something out of the ordinary when conflict arises.
The phrase “zoning out” isn’t appropriate in my opinion, and it could be easily confused with having alot on your mind, lack of brain nutrients, problems with sleep which are more likely the issues.
It’s a term many people who actually experience dissociation use to describe what they go through. But words are of course personal, and depend on what works for the person experiencing it. To us, what matters is that you find whatever word helps you communicate best with your therapist so that you can deal with any issue you have. If zoned out doesn’t work for you, use something else. We’d personally, for example, use ‘brain fog’ to describe the state which results from exhaustion or dehydration. We have an article on that too http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/foggy-brain.htm
I am under pressure at work.
The other day, at my desk, I would be working, and then drift off. When I “awoke” it was as though I was “coming to”. Only to find my coworker puzzled…handing me a stack of papers saying she didn’t know what to do with them. Then she told me I got up from my desk, stood in front of her desk, shuffled her papers, then handed her mine saying she needed to do the work. I have no memory of this what so ever.
Later, I was on the phone with tech support. I don’t remember any of what was said until just before hanging up I said Thank you.
I was taken to the hospital,heart and brain checked out. Discharged with orders to rest for a couple of days of returning to work. I’m kind of freaking out here.
Hi, i experienced ALL of the symptom of Dissociation like my reaction was always too late, sometimes i thought i was stupid, because i didn’t react on the situation even good or bad when it happened. Also i read in some article that i have a symptom of Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety disorder and many other Mental Illness, i think all of this was all related, i admit i have a stressfull childhood until now at the age of thirty. I don’t know what should i do, i try to inquire in a Psychiatrist but the payment was too high.
Oh dear, not fun! But we are very glad that you were medically checked out. Do continue to check in with doctors if it doesn’t improve after several days rest, naturally. We can’t make any diagnosis without knowing you. But just to say that if you have experienced anything difficult lately, emotional shock can cause such temporary dissociation. Hope you feel better soon.
First of all, good for you for trying to seek support. Secondly, try not to panic and analyse yourself via internet articles. We can all find many mental disorders we have apparent symptoms of, but a real diagnosis involves having such symptoms for a long time and in a very pervasive way. It could just be that you have experienced enough trauma as a child it’s causing all of this – trauma is really powerful stuff, it effects the brain, and can cause anxiety, depression, and mood swings as well as dissociation. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who give drugs, but it’s often a better idea to go to a (much cheaper) counsellor of psychotherapist first, who can help you get to the root of your issues and give you support and processing your childhood and traumas. If he or she actually thinks it’s a disorder that will need more help, they can let you know and might be able to refer you to a psychiatrist who was more reasonable. The point is to seek help, and take it from there.
I feel zoned out most of the day, I have been to work but felt like I was in a daze all day by the end of the day I couldn’t bring myself to talk to any of my colleagues and when then spoke to me I just stared at them but couldn’t really understand what they were saying . I feel like I’m going a bit crazy
Is this a new thing? If so, go to your GP/doctor to have a physical checkup just in case. Many physical conditions can cause such symptoms and it’s important to catch them if so. Otherwise, have you had difficult experiences lately? It could possibly be depression. If your doctor doesn’t find anything wrong with your health, mention that you are stressed and see if they can refer you to a therapist.
I went through someone really hard as a child/ teen and I went to therapy for it. I was doing better but I’ve been noticing that I’m getting more anxious and nervous lately and I’ve been zoning out a lot. When I was in school I would to tend to zone out a lot therefore leading me to be behind in most of my classes and my grades to drop. Now that I’m driving and am taking driving school I notice that I’ll be doing a good job and have no problem focusing but out of nowhere without me noticing I zone out leading into me either almost running a red light or almost hitting something. I’ve also started to get the habit of peeling my skin off from my fingers and shaking my legs a lot. I would like to know what I can do to help me not zone out that much that way I can become a better driver and not as anxious anymore.
Hi Laura, thanks for sharing this. If you experienced a trauma as a child/teen, even if you did therapy, it might be that something else in life, a challenge, relationship, could be anything, has re-triggered something. Dissociation is often related to trauma. And it sounds like your body is exhibiting quite high anxiety. To be honest we’d suggest having another round of counselling in this situation, because it’s affecting your daily life and wellbeing by the sounds of it, even putting your life at risk if you are running red lights. We wish you courage!
When i was in the 4th grade both of parents passed away in 5-6 months. First my dad then my mom. After that i did lots of moving from state to state living with different family members. I am currently 14 years old and i find myself to zone way to much. I cant seem to concentrate in class i just sit there thinking about absolutely nothing and don’t realize it until there is commotion or a lot of movement in the classroom. When i get home i cant concentrate on doing my homework i kind of just sit on my bed for hours just staring into space. I also get frustrated very easily and when i do get frustrated it normally ends up in me crying. I was looking into why these things happen and i was wondering if it sounds like i have dissociation. As i was reading this article i realized i had quite a few of the symptoms. But i am only 14 years old
I recently started back at school and don’t cope very well with exams and stress. I’ve had some fights with friends and had a very stressful start back. For the past week or so I have been completely zoning out as if there is nothing else around me. I don’t even think, it’s almost like my brain is empty. My friends are worried because of it being so constant and other friends are annoyed at me for not listening or paying attention to them. I’m really confused and starting to get worried myself I feel like I’m going mad. I’m not eating as much and I don’t really want to go out or see anyone. I have some other things going on but I’m still unsure of why I’m feeling like this
Hi I “zone” out in class all the time. I tried useing music to stay focussed, but that stopped working, then I turned to drawing, but it’s not working anymore. I’ve tried explaining to my mother that I can’t controll it, and I’m trying, but she just say’s that I’m allowing it, and need to stop. She won’t get the help I need, because she says it’s all fake. What do I do?
Thanks for sharing this. We’re sorry to hear that you were brave enough to reach out to someone but were told your issue isn’t important. There can be any number of reasons why it is happening. It might be simply that you do not like what you are studying. IF you are at high school, it can be a case of trying to find an angle that keep you interested, but if you are at university, it’s worth talking to a careers guidance counsellor to see if maybe you are studying things to gain your family’s approval that simply are not your heart’s calling. Otherwise, have you suffered great stress lately? Or a difficult experience? This can cause dissociation. If it has been an ongoing problem in your life, it could be related to an old trauma. We’d suggest you talk to your school counsellor, who will be more understanding and can offer some customised advice! Hope that helps.
Hi Sarah, you haven’t said why you have just started back… do you refer just to going back over summer, or have you taken a break do to stress? It does sound like you are suffering from depression. Classic symptoms include foggy thinking, change in appetite, less of an interest in socialising. Has something stressful happened lately?
Hey I’m young but everything seems weird… I’ll be sitting in class and then I look somewhere and zone out and I’m not thinking about anything. Then after a while I notice I’m gone I notice my eyes are extremely heavy as if I’m in a dream or so… I have no idea what to think… it’s like I’m on some drugs but I know I’m not because I don’t do that.
Hi Tacy, that does not sound like a fun thing to experience all the time. We can’t give you a diagnosis without knowing more. It might be nothing to worry about if you are teenager, as recent research shows the teenage brain goes through a lot of hormonal changes that can cause fatigue and zoneout, especially when school starts early and the teenage brain is actually not designed for that! But if you have had difficult experiences lately, or trauma in the past, it can be depression or PTSD. So it really depends on other symptoms and your personal history. If it is possibly depression or PTSD, seek help. Otherwise, try to practise good self-care, such as eating better, getting as much sleep as you can, and doing exercise. Boring advice, but really helps with the teenage years when your body is effectively going through a lot of physical and hormonal changes.
Oh my goodness that is a very, very tragic thing for a child to go through, we are so sorry to hear this. And to be followed by constant moving, right when the best thing would have been stability and a chance to mourn. Such trauma causes post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, even if you are young. And feeling unattached to reality, often floating away, is a part of PTSD. As is crying and being very emotional. We actually have an article on PTSD in children https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/ptsd-in-children.htm. If you don’t feel you have PTSD, then it can also be that you are depressed, and disassociating to avoid painful feelings. It’s a survival technique that might have served you well at first, but at some point all those feelings have to be faced so you can feel alive again. The most important thing is that you deserve support. Is there any way you could somehow get in touch with a counsellor or therapist? Would your family be okay with helping you with that? If not, is there a school counsellor you might feel okay talking to?
Hey, I was just wondering how common it is. I zone out quite a bit but nothing too serious, every other day I won’t zone out but I feel as if I’m watching myself go through moments. If I’m walking down the street I might zone out and just start believing that I’m watching/thinking about walking down the street. It usually takes me five or so minutes before I realise I’m actually in life, I guess? It doesn’t happen so much that it’s going to jeorodise my education or ruin my life or anything, I just wanted to know how common it was. Thank you for your time x
Hi, I’m 22 now. This has been going on since I was a kid. I find myself constantly in my head. Almost like a movie where things that aren’t real happen. For the example, I think about people I have graduated with. I end up thinking about situations where one is in love with me. I also think about times we hang out. For example like we are going skiing or snowboarding. Note haven’t talked to some in five years; yet they are their in my brain. It is like I can’t get them out of my head. It’s like a movie Playing in my head. I can see my self in it… it makes me think I’m delusional. Even as kid I would go up to my room, lock the door, and just be in my head. I like it that way. It wastes a lot of time unfortunately. I just want it to stop. I’m an adult. I have told my psychiatrist and councillor they don’t say anything about it. I’m not sure if I am dissociating or not. I do remember what happened in the movie. Not always so much of the details around me. I zone out during walks that is when it comes the most or when I listen to music. I’m an adult I need help. I can’t continue to disappear in my head. Can you tell me if this is dissociation? It interesting because I feel like I know these people like have been friends forever. The truth is I’m not. We don’t talk at all. I have bpd so I know dissociation can be part of that. It is safe or Normal for this to happen? Is it something I can get rid of?
Hi Lena, we don’t know enough about you to say if it’s ‘normal’. For example, are you sleeping well lately? Are you under a lot of stress? Do you have a health condition, are you on medication? These things can all affect our sense of ‘being in reality’. Sometimes it’s just being a teenager, where our brain is actually growing and changing and we are stuck in sleep patterns that don’t match what our body needs because we have to stick to the hours of school. If you have other symptoms, such as low self-esteem, low moods, or very negative thoughts, then your tendency to zone out might be psychological and you might want to have a chat with a counsellor.
Hi Caroline, it sounds less like dissociation, where we are watching ourselves in real time, then a form of coping. You are using fantasy to perhaps feel better when life is really hard and you feel lonely, which is entirely understandable, and shows you have a powerful imagination. You inner self is finding a coping mechanism to help you get by. What worries us here is that you are seeing a psychiatrist and a counsellor and yet neither of them wants to talk about this. Have you made it clear this is upsetting you and you want to talk about it? As for ‘is it normal’ what is normal? We all do the best we can with what we are given. Your brain is trying to cope. And there is nothing ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ about that.
I space out sometimes, almost everyday, i dont think about anything, just a long hard stare at the wall. My boyfriend tries to get me out of it but he has to touch me or get in front of my line of vision because i dont hear him calling my name right next to me. I sometimes do the same thing when i wake up only i dont know where i am and have a goal of trying to figure it out looking out windows and trying to recall my memory of ever being there, and like staring at a wall it takes a lot to get me out of that trance.
When zoning out I stop breathing what does that mean
We can’t give you a diagnosis via a comment box, so if you are stopping breathing all the time you might want to talk to a GP and have a checkout. Otherwise, anxiety an leave us feeling unable to breathe.
Hi there, that sounds like dissociation. Worth having a chat to a counsellor about!
Hi I am not sure if I have asked this question in the past or not so I will say sorry for repeating myself if I have. I read about dissociation on your website and was wondering does it have to be linked to something that happened in childhood or can it happen for the first time to an adult who went through a stressful experience in adulthood? Hope that makes sense
Hi Lucy, it makes sense. Dissociation occurs due to trauma. And it doesn’t matter when the trauma happened. For example, adults who go fight in wars often experience dissociation after as they have PTSD. Hope that helps.
I zone out all the time, even when driving the car. I almost reared ended someone once but at the last second I snapped back and hit the brakes. I am really over it. I had a rough childhood/teenage years – never really felt with it and never fit in anywhere at school, or home really.
My adult life isn’t much different. Sometimes I can feel great and the day flows really well and I don’t forget anything and have a good day…That only occurs 1 out of 100 times. Every other day is the same. Exhaustion, Zoning out constantly, overthinking and under-achieving, lack of motivation in my work and in my hobbies, and no drive to try something new or push myself in a new direction. I really need some help don’t you think?
Travis, it sounds like you are really suffering. So yes, help would be wonderful. The tiredness, zoning out, overthinking and underachieving might be related to past trauma and therapy could help you find a road through. It also sounds like there is some depression going on. Would you be willing to seek some support? If so, do read our articles on here on finding a therapist that is right for you. The most defeating thing of all can be that the first time we seek therapy we think we have to accept any old therapist and end up with one we don’t feel right with, then we reject the support. Make sure you find someone you can click with and who offers a type of therapy that clicks with your issues. We wish you courage!
Hi, I grew up a happy child and had great parents, my childhood was normal and thankfully without major losses or traumas. But I still have zone out, compared to my sibling I don’t remember much about my childhood not even events and trips that lasted for weeks. and I tend to zone out a lot when I’m around people but lately it started to affect my work, apparently I skip entire conversations and important details. So how do I deal with this? because even though all the reasons mentioned in the article are logical but never applied in my case.
Hi Sirine, thanks for commenting. First of all, do get a medical checkup to ensure it’s not related to a physical illness. Then we’d suggest you talk to a counsellor. It could be simply down to the fact that you are making life choices you don’t like, such as working a job your parents thought was a good idea and you don’t. This alone can cause dissociation. Or it might be that there are things you have glazed over about your childhood that you now need to look at. Whatever the case, very worth seeking support over and taking seriously.
I wasn’t really sure if my ‘zoning out’ was a symptom of my ADHD or not. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child but I also had a pretty difficult childhood growing up, separate from the whole ADHD issue, (and I am certain that I have some form of phobia to yelling now too) but I’m pretty sure I had always had a zoning out problem, even when I was really little? Anyways, now that I’m older, I tend to zone out of conversations all the time, without any memory that I had participated in them, and I also zone out while I’m driving a lot too. My job is pretty high stress and I have to constantly check with people to make sure I heard them right before continuing with a task I was given because I have zoned out when my coworkers have spoken to me before. Should I consider it a form of dissociation? Or am I just over thinking things?
Kathryn, thanks for sharing. We can’t give a diagnosis over a comment box, obviously. But we can provide information you can then look into. Yes, zoning out is a sign of ADHD. We recommend you some research on new definitions of ADHD. It’s especially noted that girls are more likely to always be dreaming/inwardly distracted as opposed to the outwardly evident form of distraction that was originally thought the only distraction symptom (which some feel has been behind many girls with ADHD not being diagnosed). Yet you reference a difficult childhood. Dissociation is also a symptom of PTSD. ADHD vs PTSD is a highly debated topic. Some feel that many people diagnosed with ADHD actually have long-term PTSD from childhood trauma, and not ADHD. ADHD and PTSD have very similar symptoms, and a high level of children diagnosed with ADHD in America were found to come from unstable, economically challenged and/or traumatic homes, and yet it wasn’t being addressed. Again, we can’t diagnose, do you have ADHD, PTSD, both? Does one of your family members have ADHD, showing a genetic component? Have you had treatment and help with your childhood trauma, thus showing the dissociation might be from the ADHD? In fact the real question here is, do you have the support you need. Labels are just labels. They don’t really change anything. Only seeking support and working through things can do that. So if you haven’t already, we’d highly suggest seeking out a talk therapist who has experience with childhood trauma, possibly one who integrates EMDR. Hope that helps.
I think i have been suffering from this “zoning out ” since i was 9. I am 16 now but still at times i find myself looking at a person and realizing i cant hear or process anything they are saying.Sometimes when i am in the middle of sentence ,i stop short suddenly and just stare absentmindedly.Later people tell me what i did otherwise i cant remember at all. I did suffer from sexual harassment and abuse when i was small.I alse take a lot of time to complete something that is quite easy.I have a hard time concentrating as well.Is this dissociation or something normal?
Hi Claire, it could be dissociation, but we can’t make a diagnoses without knowing someone properly and certainly not based on a comment. This sort of spaciness can, on one hand, be the result of changing hormones in adolescence. On the other hand, you say you suffered from harassment and abuse. This would make you a candidate for dissociation. Note that zoning out can also be part of long-term PTSD from trauma. Have you talked to anyone about this? Someone you trust? A counsellor? It would be a good idea if you had the courage.
Since I was about 10 years old, I started to hold my breath where I do completely zone out. Typically tilt my head to the left, place my fingers on my neck and hold my breath. I can’t see anything and my hands will twitch or make weird movements – it will last for 20 seconds or so. If someone talks to me I am unresponsive even though my eyes are open and snap out of it. In school I didn’t have the control to control when I do it, it just felt necessary. Moving into some college, I trained myself never do it in front of people and only sitting down. If i do this standing up, most likely I would fall. I am 31 and suffer from a lot of anxiety from different places in my life. I also do this about 10-20 times a day depending on my activities. I have never met anyone nor have doctors ever defined it. It’s intentional, but not in an OCD type of way.
Hi Lauren, it seems as if you have created a way to feel calmer, as a sort of survival tactic against anxiety. It would be the same sort of habit as something like thumb sucking. You would basically be attempting to stimulate your parasympathetic nervous system (holding your breath stimulates the vagus nerve). The problem is not really the habit, it’s the extreme anxiety driving the habit. If you dealt with the anxiety, we are willing to bet that with time this habit will fall away. We’d highly suggest that you seek a counsellor or therapist to work with, one you feel you could learn to trust.
I have a husband who is under a lot of stress with his work. He is not happy about it.
One day he came to my bedroom and tried to strangle me and I almost got killed if i didn’t defend myself. I wasn’t talking to him for few days because i was so shocked and angry.
Last night we talked about it and he doesn’t remember the whole day incident.
Is he having problem with his brain or is it due to too much stress. He could not believe what he did to me other day.
Now I am really worried. what should we do about this? Do you think he needs to see a therapist?
People can have ‘psychotic breaks’ which is different than dissociation. Was it in the night? Was he at all sleep walking? We can’t say without knowing both of you what happened. It could be one of many things. Sometimes when people do things they are ashamed of they can even choose to ‘forget’ it and talk themselves into believing something else. Long story short, anyone who is under too much stress needs support. He might need to talk to HR to see what they can provide. His insurance might cover some counselling, for example. If not there are many private counsellors who see people over this exact issue, work stress.
I’m really struggling with zoning out. I feel like I’m just going through the motions and always in a battle with myself to stop zoning out. It’s like I’m on autopilot and I’m just a body, as my mind is somewhere else vaguely worrying or not really thinking anything. I’m so tense all the time, I get angry at myself for being in this state so often. I feel scared to be around people in case they notice or I shut down and can’t respond in the way I need to. I’m getting worried about driving as well, when I zone out and I almost feel a bit reckless like I know I’m not fully paying attention but I can’t stop and let it happen.
Hi Alex, we really can’t diagnose anything in a comment, and we don’t know anything about when this started, if there is any precedent, etc. Assuming you have no health issues and there is not a need to see a GP (there are medical conditions that can cause spaciness) then do consider going to see a therapist. They can help you get to the root of this.
I’m not sure if this is me or not. I check out for all the symptoms but it seems like my entire life is on autopilot instead of just zoning out here and there. (There was a scary moment when I was driving but the speed limit was 25mph so it wasn’t too scary but a bad sign that I zoned out behind the wheel. I’m already a teen driver this is just what I need!) I’ll just be day dreaming constantly and even now my head feels foggy but I’m still obviously in control for this. I look at my schoolwork and I know it’s easy, I’ve gotten months of work done in only a few days before, but I try to read it and my brain shuts down and suddenly hours have gone by. I was conscious the whole time just not getting any of it. I found out last year that my family religion is actually a cult and since I can’t remember anything or dates and sometimes say something happened a long time ago when really it was just last week or something was recent but it was months ago, a friend online who has been helping me with coping that I’m not going to die in Armageddon said I might have disassociated myself (its pretty common actually) and that’s why I can’t remember names, faces, times, places. It’s all random of what I can and can’t remember. Most of my memory is gone when it pertains to my family, or things brought on or affected by the religion aka everything. And it effects my schoolwork too and family life which is a problem because I have to pretend I believe in this cult for another year so that I don’t depress my mom. (She’s got depression and has tried to commit suicide multiple times since I was 3 over much smaller things than her last chance at being a successful parent leaving her religion aka believing her living child is dead) of course, it’s not all bad. I still remember lyrics to weird al songs and can recite lines from cartoons with my brother with perfect memory! Things like being at school before I went homeschool I can remember quite well, albeit mostly memories of how stressed I was because I’m not allowed to be friends with worldly kids unless they want to listen to me preach. I also have great humor about this and now that I seem to have all the bugs in the system identified I just need to figure out how to get my brain working like it should be… I’m smart enough to get this far as a 17 year old, I should be able to do my friggin homework. So far my memory has improved after I stopped beliving in my religions strict rules and I’m trying to stop isolating myself, but schoolwork and social gatherings still have me in outer space. Is it disassociation? Or something else? I really need to solve this because until I can focus on school and driving I can’t get a job and without a job I can’t be independent. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness btw.
There are a bunch of things to consider here. You are living under huge amounts of stress and qualify as experiencing trauma. Extreme religion tends to feed one a steady diet of fear and control, which is one side of the stress, absolutely. And it often takes a lot of time to get over being in a cult when we reach adulthood. But you then very casually mention your mother is mentally ill and tried to commit suicide. That is HUGELY traumatic for a child. If a child thinks they almost lost their mother, yes, they will dissociate in order to protect from further pain. This is likely all compounded by having a teenage brain, which is going through hormonal surges which causes further brain fog. In summary, all things considering you sound very practical and sharp, so cut yourself some slack. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect and start giving yourself as much credit as you can for what you are achieving. You are getting by which is in itself amazing. Then reach out for any support you can. If there is a school counsellor you feel comfortable talking to, it’s a good start. There also might be free helplines and support groups for teens locally (in the UK there are several all in this article – bit.ly/mentalhelplines). Look for forums online of other people surviving being in the JW world. Do what you can to get through this and get to college, where you will finally have the chance to make your own choices. If your grades are suffering so bad you are worried you won’t get into college, then definitely speak to the school counsellor. Try not to think extreme thoughts. There are always solutions. Worse case scenario, if you have to take a year off school before college to work, say, try to see that you are young, that you can get there, and that what matters is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other, not how you compare to what others are doing. They are not you. They are not going through what you are.
Having been diagnosed with dissociation, my husband is awaiting an appointment to see a psychologist to gradually explore his childhood traumas. I believe he possibly has ptsd too as he is easily startled (he is a retired Police Officer), I also thought that dissociation was a sub-category,
but the psychologist disagreed as he doesn’t have flash-backs. The severity of his dissociation has increased to the detriment of our relationship as well as that of the family. I can leave a room & when I return he’s briefly dissociated; conversation is nigh on impossible. His diagnosis has taken years as no one would believe me & professionals thought it was anxiety; consequently I have read just about everything published on the subject & have noticed so many articles speak about ‘grounding’. Over the years I have tried all sorts of techniques to help my husband, but he doesn’t actually realise when he’s dissociating & also doesn’t believe me when I tell him – going as far as to imply I’m lying. This is what causes most of the arguments & puts enormous pressure on me. My issue though is ‘grounding doesn’t work for him, so how do I deal with this when he doesn’t know or accept that he’s dissociated?
Lindy, it all sounds super hard. PTSD is actually, in the big picture, a fairly new diagnosis, and the way the brain processes trauma is still only now being understood with ‘diagnoses’ and treatment shifting all the time. So what matters here is trusting your instincts. For example, you feel your husband has long term PTSD, flashbacks or not. If this is so, exploring childhood traumas right away could be detrimental and re-traumatise him. It would be an idea to try therapies that stablise his physical symptoms first instead, such as PTSD and EMDR. Other therapies we can’t personally recommend as they are not recommended by the BPS are hypnotherapy, BWRT, body therapies, and neurofeedback. There is a good book on trauma called “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk which we recommend that covers some of this. All this aside, we see another perhaps more pertinent issue going on. Your husband is not wanting the treatment you want him to have and you are spending all your time and energy trying to ‘fix’ him. Unfortunately, therapies work when someone wants to do it. And another question to ask here is, do you need some support yourself here? Even just to deal with this stress and look at the dynamic of your relationship? Sometimes the best way to help others is to help ourselves first and set an example. Just a thought.