Counselling Articles

Open relationships are becoming a more common presenting issue in counselling. For the first time in the past few years the divorce rate in the UK has risen. Many blame the economic downturn for the increase, but could it be that the institution of marriage as we know it is in need of a makeover? Some married couples are abandoning traditional rules and approaches to marriage in favour of the open relationship, with hopes that increased flexibility and emotional honesty will provide the key to a successful long-term partnership. But the question is – is it possible to make the transition from a monogamous relationship into an open relationship? And what rules can a couple establish to increase the satisfaction from their open relationship? Here we discuss some of the key issues that result from open relationships, arising from presentations in the counselling room.

Honest Dialogue

Making the transition from a monogamous relationship to an open relationship can take time, patience, and most importantly understanding from both partners. In relationships where one partner or both want to discuss the possibility of an open relationship this conversation is best discussed with honest dialogue. The hesitant partner shouldn’t agree to an open relationship unless they feel comfortable with it, and the other partner should not be “too pushy” about the topic. Both partners should give the other partner the time and space they need to reflect upon the possible transition, and understand the motivations of having an open relationship. Bringing up this conversation can be difficult, and due to the sensitive nature of the material discussed it is likely that it may take more than one conversation to bring about a solution that both partners feel satisfied with. (more…)

Society’s perceptions of human sexuality have changed in the past few decades, and continue to evolve. But despite progressing views and greater equality between the sexes in modern, Western societies, many women still feel pressure to conform to expectations over “proper” female sexual conduct. The influence of the “Double Sexual Standard” (the covert rule that men, and not women, can have multiple sexual partners) can be very distressing for many women particularly for those who have had several past sex partners.

Women who do not follow the Double Sexual Standard, such as the character Samantha in the Sex and the City series, run the risk of being labelled by others as a “slut” or “easy.” Negative connotations associated with words such as these act as a psychological and sexual barrier, deterring many women from being  comfortable with their sex lives. The pressure to conform to a prescribed standard of restricted and acceptable sexual behaviour places stress upon women that men do not experience. This stress can lead to negative emotions (such as shame and embarrassment) connected to a woman’s sexual activity, and may impact the level of satisfaction from sex (i.e. lack of orgasm). (more…)

The Power and Intoxication of Love

Revered by some and envied by others, love is possibly the most celebrated of all the human emotions. True love has served as the source of inspiration for poetry, music, art, and the foundation for countless romantic relationships since the beginning of recorded history. However, blinded by its powerful effect, we rarely take the time to examine the biological processes that make this event possible.

When we fall madly in love, our brain releases a neurotransmitter—a chemical responsible for the transmission of messages in the brain—called Phenethylamine. Nicknamed the “love drug”, Phenethylamine, is released in high quantities during the presence of our romantic partners, which is why we feel so wonderful around them in the early stages of our relationship. Unfortunately the hypnotic effect of Phenethylamine decreases as the relationship progresses because the brain releases less of the “love drug” in the presence of our partner. This decrease possibly explains why the “honey moon” phase does not last forever.

After about four years in a romantic relationship the effect of Phenethylamine is greatly reduced, and coinciding around this time period many couples find themselves faced with difficult issues. It can seem as if these issues developed overnight. However, these problems may have existed long before the marriage or civil-partnership ever took place, and when left unresolved may unfortunately result in the termination of the relationship.

Counselling for Premarital Issues

In our increasingly secular society premarital counselling can often be thought of as a “religious tradition,” or simply not thought of at all. The list of things to do when entering into a married or civil partnership is often very long and complicated; picking out the cake, finding the proper venue, sending the invitations, finding the perfect dress, etc. It is not surprising that with the effect of Phenethylamine, and all of the excitement before the marriage or civil partnership, that many of those about to enter into a union do not consider having pre-marital counselling before their big day.

Premarital counselling does not have to be completed by the minister of your local church, but can also be performed by a trained counsellor who has experience in helping couples resolve issues within the relationship. Taking the time to speak with a professional therapist may reduce stress during the pre-marriage or pre-civil partnership period, and could save your relationship from becoming another divorce or separation statistic. Speaking about current and possible future issues, including your sex life and any difficulties, may also be easier to address with the support of a therapist. Your therapist can help you and your partner to develop and strengthen your communication skills, which may help to resolve problems you face quicker and more efficiently. Above all, premarital or pre-partnership counselling will provide valuable time and a safe space in which you can work to strengthen your love and commitment to each other.

By Justin Duwe, Psychotherapist, BSc, MA, MBPsS, MBACP

If you wish to strengthen the connection you share with your partner you may wish to consider premarital or pre-partnership counselling. Harley Therapy – Counselling and Psychotherapy can refer you to a therapist who can assist you.

Do I Have a Normal Sex Life?

With streams of sexually charged material all around us is it any wonder that so many of us are concerned about our sex lives?  Each year couples and individuals of all ages choose to see a sex therapist because of the concerns regarding their sex life.  One of the most common issues that bring couples and individuals into sex therapy is the age old question: “Is my sex life normal?”

Many people think that everyone but them is having a normal sex life and because of this, there is something wrong with theirs.  At times, just thinking about this intimate aspect of our lives can invoke feelings such as: embarrassment, stress, or even shame which makes enjoying a healthy sex life complicated.  The truth about the “normal” sex life is that it is a myth, it simply does not exist.

The French expression: “Tous les gouts sont dans la nature”, which literally means: “All preferences are found in nature,” applies very well to our sex lives.  If you were to imagine and make a comparison of the sex lives of those you see on a daily basis you are going to find differences and this is “normal”.  What is not “normal” is when you have difficulty experiencing and enjoying your sex life.  If you or your sexual partner is experiencing concerns or difficulty related to sex it may be helpful to speak to a therapist to explore whether or not sex therapy is right for you.

By Justin Duwe, Psychotherapist, BSc, MA, MBPsS

Harley Therapy – Psychotherapy and Counselling can connect you with therapists who specialise in sexual issues such as: loss of sexual desire, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, painful intercourse, sex avoidance, Vaginismus, Anorgasmia, sex and pornography addiction.