Shyness in Adults – Is Being the Shy Type a Mental Health Issue?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
May 19, 2023
photo by Joshua Tsu for Unsplash
by Andrea M. Darcy
Are you shy? When does shyness in adults move from a manageable personality trait to a serious mental health issue you might need to seek support with?
What is shyness?
Shyness and introversion are not the same thing.
Introversion means you see the world through an interior lens. You look to your feelings and thoughts to make decisions. An extrovert looks outward, to the environments and others around them.
Shyness means you feel uncomfortable and awkward around others or if you are receiving attention, and you particularly worry about what others think of you. Meaning you can be the shy type and an extrovert or introvert.
Shyness in adults
Shyness is far more common than you might realise.
In a Yougov survey of thousands of British adults, 57 per cent saw themselves as shy.
And some shy people get on just fine, as their shyness only affects certain areas of their lives in a manageable way. You might, for example, be shy with public speaking, or meeting strangers, but have a strong group of friends you feel at ease with and a job that isn’t affected by this.
When shyness becomes a problem
Shyness becomes an issue if it holds us back or affects our ability to cope. If, for example, we see our career suffer, struggle to make friends, or constantly feel alone and disconnected. And it is also a problem if it is causing other mental health issues. This can look like the following.
1. Shyness-related substance abuse.
Extremely shy people are at risk of falling into drug misuse or alcohol dependency. These things can be used a social lubricant, or as a relief from loneliness and isolation. Research also shows that drug and alcohol use can be affected by a shy person’s desire to fit in.
A 2021 study looking at alcohol issues in university students identified that shy students were more likely to drink too much because they were more focused on how others perceived them. This made them more susceptible to social norms, so if they thought others were drinking a lot, they would, too.
2. Accepting unhealthy relationships.
Shy people are also at risk for being used by others, or can find themselves embroiled in bad relationships that offer little in the way of affection or real support.
This is because when we are shy we often let others choose us, rather than taking the initiative of trying to connect with the people we truly want in our lives.
And once involved, we might not have the courage to speak up and step away even if we know we should. (Think this sounds like you? You might want to read our piece on codependency and relationships).
3. Difficulty attaining goals.
If we allow shyness to mean we withhold our good opinions and ideas, or say nothing when others take credit for them? Then we can see our career falter and our life goals left by the wayside. This can all lead to money troubles, frustration and anger issues, and cycles of low moods.
4. Shyness in adults can also lead to anxiety and depression.
A study of university students led by a Chinese research team found that shyness, low self-esteem, and depression were all connected.
When we put up with difficult relationships and thwarted life progress, we can end up with low self-esteem. And low self-esteem in turn is one of the most reported signs of depression.
5. Internet addiction.
A more modern problem for those with shyness issues is internet addiction. Another Chinese study on middle-school students found that being the shy type led to a higher risk of developing an addiction to being online.
Extreme shyness and social anxiety disorder
So shy it’s debilitating and sees you hiding out at home? You might have social anxiety disorder with or without agoraphobia.
Social anxiety means interactions of any type, even buying something at a store or, say, calling a plumber to repair a leaking pipe, see your mind spin out into illogical, fear-based thinking. You will also have physical symptoms of anxiety, such as a pounding heart, stomach cramps, or nausea.
And because of this stress response to social situations you’ll then go out of your way to avoid such interactions. If it develops to the point you fear places where you can’t escape, and therefore stay at home, you might also have agoraphobia.
If you feel you have social anxiety disorder, then it’s important to seek support. Social anxiety is unlikely to get better on its own, but does respond well to treatment such as CBT therapy.
Why am I so shy?
Why are people shy? There is growing evidence that some people are born predisposed to be shy and more likely to develop social anxiety disorder.
When studying groups of 4-year-olds developmental psychologist Koraly Pérez-Edgar found that certain children avoided interaction. They did so even when other children were friendly to them and invited them to play. Their reluctance was not a response to being ignored or challenged, but instead they feared inclusion itself.
Pérez-Edgar tracked these children through adolescence and found that many did indeed develop into habitually shy teens.
Other factors that can lead to shyness in adults
photo by Elijah O’Donnell for Pexels
Of course there is always the ‘nature vs nurture’ argument. Even if we are born more genetically prone to a certain character trait, that trait will or won’t become prevalent depending on the experiences we live through. The following experiences can leave us more likely to be shy.
1. Parenting.
Research shows that shy children and teens often identify their parent(s) as too intrusive or controlling.
A parent who prevents a child from experiencing failure or rejection robs the child of the chance to develop resilience, and exaggerates the importance of these ordinary setbacks.
2. Difficult experiences as a child or adolescent.
Growing up is filled with vulnerable moments that can make previously confident children shy. Things like teasing, bullying, or being perceived as ‘different’ can certainly have an effect.
3. Traumatic life experiences.
Any life event that shakes a person’s sense of self can trigger a bout of shyness. Divorce, loss of a job, financial difficulties, and illness can all leave someone questioning his or her value and appeal. This uncertainty can lead to tension, anxiety, and, ultimately, avoidance of social contact.
How to overcome shyness and social phobia
Antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications have traditionally been prescribed for people with severe shyness or social phobia disorder. But new studies show that cognitive behavioural thinking (CBT) is s more effective shyness treatment than drugs.
A study looking at 13,164 people with long-standing social anxiety saw approximately one-third of the group received medication, another third received placebo pills, and the remaining third received CBT. The results showed that CBT was more effective than medication. So convincing was the data that the U.K.’s treatment guidelines were changed as a result, recommending CBT as the first line of treatment and medication as a secondary alternative.
How does CBT therapy help with shyness in adults?
CBT is an especially good fit for shyness because it focuses on the relationship between your thoughts and your behaviours. And shyness is a behaviour that’s often rooted in misperceptions, called ‘cognitive distortions‘.
For example, many shy people attend parties and join clubs to overcome their shyness. But when they arrive at a social event, they make no further effort to connect with others but leave it up to others to make the first move. If others don’t notice them fast enough, or are shy themselves, this can be perceived as ‘nobody wants to know me’.
Is my shyness severe enough to seek help?
Note that shyness doesn’t have to be crippling or disabling to be an issue worth addressing. If you shyness is affecting your life in a way that causes you anxiety or worry, or simply stops you reaching your goals, it’s worth seeking support.
Need help overcoming shyness? We connect you to a team of highly regarded psychotherapists in London who can help. Or use our sister site to find UK-wide registered therapists for all budgets.
Photos by Pabak Sarkar, George Kelly
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and lifestyles writer as well as coach. She was an extremely shy child with selective mutism and is still a very introverted adult! She found CBT therapy very helpful. Find her @am_darcy.
My aunt is too afraid to be around the family when we get together. She and my uncle just.stand away from everyone else. I can talk to.mu uncle, but not to my aunt. She just shivers and he holds her the entire time there are any family get togethers. I can tell it’s her not him, because he wasn’t that way before they met, and he talks to me. But she won’t talk to me. I think she needs to see a psychiatrist, because it seems like something might have happened to her when she was a child.
Families are difficult. It sounds challenging.
Or maybe that is just our personality and its not caused by trauma, problems and parenting. I haven’t had childhood or adolescence problems, trauma or bad parenting. I have always been so shy, since I was a child and I still am. Today, I was in class and the teacher asked me a question, everyone turned to look at me and suddenly my hand started trembling. I am not like that around people I know well, I could live with my shyness but I know latter on I would have to go for job interviews so I need to try and get rid of this. May not be possible but I think I am going create an alter ego
Yes, there can be a genetic component to shyness. Although low self esteem is generally related to personal experiences. Most of us feel our childhood was ‘fine’, but when we take the time to look more closely we can have upsets that we haven’t processed that are behind our low confidence. It doesn’t mean parents, teachers, or guardians were ‘bad’. They are people, and people aren’t perfect. Therapy isn’t about blaming others or trying to find ‘what went wrong’, it’s about finding what experiences registered as difficult for you personally, processing any repressed emotions, and finding your inner strength again. Maybe a better long term plan then creating a false self?
Your articles are fantastic – I can relate with so many. Shyness is something I’ve always dealt with, believing it was just my personality but having read through your Blog for 3 hours solid I can see clear links between my lack of sense of self/identity crisis, low self – esteem, codependency and counterdependency, fear of intimacy, connections with others, and shyness. I’m not sure the root causes or how long it’s been going on but I do know moving abroad 10 years at 21 and almost immediately moving in with my boyfriend and not being able to speak the language deeper than basic conversation has only made my life and mental state worse. On leaving the UK I was confident in many things but looking back over 10 years I feel I have regressed/failed to develop or maybe never developed in the first place. Unfortunately my language skills have not improved much and I find myself avoiding leaving the apartment more and more. I avoid taking or making phone calls in front of people. There have been weeks where I haven’t been outside for 6 days in a row, with the only person I see being my boyfriend and perhaps a few messages or phonecalls with my mum and maybe a friend.
It’s quite freeing seeing how these all link together and to believe that the negative behaviours and thoughts can be overcome.
Thank you so much for the compliment, we love to hear that our articles are helpful. It’s so interesting, what you are sharing. Are we a product of life, or is our life a product of our personality? Or is it a blend of both? Certainly, some of us seem to arrive in the world with more sensitive personalities than others. This means that on one hand, we are easily kind and empathic to others, but on the other hand, not having structure or too much change can throw us more than it might others. And certainly moving country where you don’t speak the language can throw anyone (we actually have an article on the moving abroad blues, did you see it?). You show so much self awareness, but it’s also clear there is real suffering going on. Does it matter exactly what the label is, or does it matter what you decide to do next? It sounds like you need support, and one that is not biased but is impartial and outside of the situation. Have you considered Online therapy? You can find therapists in the UK nowadays at all different price points who work online, so even if you are on a low budget you should be able to find something. It might only take a few sessions to have the ‘lightbulb’ that can help you see a way forward.
Good write up. I have been very shy since childhood but in recent time, I have worked against it when I got to know is becoming a negative behaviour. But I had a trauma around a month ago and since then I have been avoiding almost everyone and extremely confused.
Trauma takes time to get over. Give yourself another few weeks and practice good self-care. If things don’t improve, or if you feel worse, we highly suggest you reach out for some support.
Being Very shy has made me attend two universities just to obtain a degree in computer science though other factors played out in-between. I had prayed in the past not to make the best of grades in the university because I would have no reason not to land a good job in the midst of people. Very anxious at public funtions, especially where I am already known and more comfortable where I am not known already. It makes me run away from opportunities that are available all the time. So I don’t have stable work because I run away once exposed. But I can be king anywhere until my severe shyness is exposed. I am married with four kids and I love my family dearly but they are suffering because of this-I think my children will be wondering why they are suffering when their dad is a graduate and read and knows programming. My wife does not know what goes on inside me all the time, may be because we grew up in the same locality and everybody thought me to such a nice and prodigious boy then since I knew Mathematics and Sciences too well and was decent. My goal as a child was to be an inventor. But my shyness grew worse as I grew older and the goal I set for myself not achieved, terrible feelings of failure and depression surge in. I have sent prayer requests in tunes that indicated possible suicide, but no one replied. I have taken myself to a psychiatric hospital, they just laughed me off. I am very knowledgeable and erudite but it has not benefited me. Shyness has caused me my life. I am mocked at everywhere, even in the churches and I shed inner tears all the time. No one understands all the infighting in my mind. I have no money to pursue professional solution. When I was young, I used avoidance but I cannot avoid going to work and so there is a problem. Some people think I am lazy but that is not my problem at all. I am not introverted really or even fearful really; only avoid people and places just for severe shyness. Sometimes, some people are surprised that I am shy when they start noticing it because it is always hidden initially.
If I look back to the origin, I would only say two factors are responsible but that is also debatable…
But I don’t want to commit suicide because I believe strongly God loves me and I don’t want to go to hell and I don’t want to put my dear wife and lovely children in shame all their life. I make bold to say I need urgent help.
okey uno
Okey we are really sad to hear you were laughed off by psychiatrists. We think there is nothing more disheartening to hear that someone was brave enough to seek help and did not receive it. We don’t know what country you are in. But what we’d suggest is that you try a counsellor or psychotherapist, NOT a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a doctor who diagnoses mental health conditions and gives drugs. They are not known for their warmth and encouragement, which is what you need. It seems you have depression and anxiety, for starters. And the weight of a lot of expectations that is overwhelming you. What you need is a safe space to talk to someone you can trust. That is the job of a counsellor or a psychotherapist. They are there to help you examine how you became this way, if there might be some hidden trauma in your childhood holding you back, for example. And they help you change your thinking. Right now you are VERY hard on yourself. You can’t seem to see all the amazing things you have done. You went to university! You have a family! These are big achievements. But when we are depressed our mind gets trapped in the negative (http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist). We know you say you can’t afford therapy. But this is your LIFE you are investing in. And your family, and your children, who love you, you are investing on their behalf. And you might find that therapy helps you MAKE money http://bit.ly/therapymakesyoumoney. It can give you the confidence to find more work for example. We would say you cannot afford NOT to go to therapy. Do a budget and see where your money is going and see if you can find any to use, and then look for low cost or even free counselling. For example a therapist in training may be very low cost. Read our article on finding low cost therapy here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Do we believe that things can change for you? Yes Okey we really, really do. We really believe you just haven’t had the time or space to be yourself in life. Everyone has always wanted you to be the good boy/smart boy/responsible man/ smart man. Sometimes we become shy and introverted just to push all this away and have some space to breathe. We believe with some time and space to learn who you are just for yourself, maybe you’ll find inner resources you never knew you had. Do keep trying. We wish you courage.
Hi, I’m really grateful for this article as it gives me hope.
Very similar to cases above I’ve always been shy and thinking back this has been since I was young.
From a young age I’ve always been deemed as sensitive leading to being ridiculed and having feelings brushed aside.
I’ve always got on with people but I believe it has been based on two things, my aesthetic appearance and my talents in sport making me quite popular around peers.
A career in sports like most didn’t work out for myself so I turned to my skills in maths for career progression.
Most of my problems begun after deciding to become a maths teacher where my shyness become enhanced and spiralled into the rest of my life through anxiety and depression.
I’ve decided to leave my job and I’m currently retraining for an analyst role.
Fortunately for me this knowledge of myself came through a free counselling service at my workplace.
My mood fluctuates on a daily bases but as you know going through depression is tuff on a day to day trying to put on a brave face.
Currently I’m looking into other insecurities I feel may be adding to my social interaction with people such as slow processing through a possible learning difficulty.
I’m still looking for answers and thanks to your article will research into CBT.
So glad to hear it helped. Sounds like you are really taking yourself and your mental health seriously and that’s wonderful. Note that CBT is also good for depression, so it would be great start.And the analyst role sounds a good fit. Life is not something we have all the answers for, we sometimes find them through trial and error and through then making a decision we want change, and you are doing that – be proud of yourself.
Harley Therapy, I have a question. I am 53 years old, married for 29 years. My husband has ADHD and PTSD, and 2 past TMI’s. He is closely followed by the Veteran’s services with all kinds of doctors, therapists, meds, etc. He and I have drastically changed over the years. Sometimes he is verbally abusive and although he loves me, he and I are both happier when he is not home. A few months ago I began to wonder if what myself and my son have to go through to be treated normally and calmly. Marriage counseling didn’t work. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been depressed for months now, even staying in all summer, not wanting to enjoy the usual things. Last spring I became curious about a local police officer. Then more attracted. I tried to meet him twice, but came very close to fainting because of anxiety and fear. I’m afraid of myself failing or looking like a fool. I have social anxiety I believe and it paralyzes me. I would still like to meet him and become friends, as divorce seems likely on this end. I am now obsessed with trying to catch a glimpse of him and I write to him or about him in an online secure diary. The pain is horrible. The pain at home is part of it, and the pain of being so interested in this man, but unable to talk to him, is tearing me apart. I am on antidepressants / antianxiety medications. Is there a special type of therapist I should look for? Do I really need to go to one, as going causes anxiety and shyness in itself.
Hi Susan, we would say yes, time for therapy if you can access it. For starters, anxiety doesn’t go away with meds, which only manage symptoms. You have to get to the root cause to see real change And then there is the fact that you are using this man you don’t even know as a distraction tool, and it sounds like it’s moving towards obsessive. You are pinning hope on him, but you don’t know him. This is a dangerous game to play as it leads to further instability, and if you do meet and it goes poorly as the reality that this is another person with his own set of problems sets in, then that can leave you in a very vulnerable place. We’d also suggest it’s possible the roots of your anxiety and depression are not just the marriage but go further back, and relate to how you ended up in this marriage. As the relationships we choose and the reasons we stay usually go back to childhood. So therapy that helps you look beyond just your marriage would be very good. As for types of therapy, CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, can sometimes be a good start if we have anxiety and negative thinking patterns. It doesn’t go back into the past, but is a short term therapy that helps you to recognise unhelpful thinking and choose more balanced thoughts. From there, when you feel more stable, perhaps trying a longer term therapy that looks at your past, possibly with an integrative therapist, or someone who falls under the humanistic or psychodynamic umbrella. What is most important is that it is someone you feel you can grow to trust, who you might be able to be yourself around and be very honest with. The therapist/client relationship is itself part of the healing, so finding someone you can work with is as important as the type of therapy. All the best.
I have just recently turned 18, and I have always been shy and introverted my whole life I never really spent time with friends up until the last two years, I never asked for help when growing up and now I think it’s going to effect my life after school, as I can’t do little things such as ask for help in a clothing store, or go up to people and start a conversation which worries me that I will struggle to make friends in uni.
Should I get help?
Being shy is a very good thing. Sit back relax and watch the others make mistakes learn from them and still be quite amazing.
I’ve always been reserved and quiet growing up. Despite that, I played so much, met people and I mingled, I never really had issues socializing until I grew into a teenager, and at that time, we had relocated to another city, leaving me with no friends. I had to stay all by myself, my parents hardly allowed me go out, then gradually I started becoming shy or perhaps, I’ve always been but never noticed. And yes, I was sexually abused when I was little and even when I became an adult. Each time I look people straight in the eyes, I feel so uneasy, I feel like they might be having romantic thoughts about me within them because that was how my abusers looked at me before the acts. But then I can’t say if it was the sexual abuse was a contributing factor. I also remembered a teacher once told us in school never to look an adult straight in the eyes as a sign of respect when I was a child. The most embarrassing thing is, I feel the same way looking at my friends who are female sometimes, I am also a lady and I find it totally embarrassing. I find it hard staring longer than 10 seconds even at a younger person.
Another problem I have is talking in public, I grew up in a toxic environment where certain persons always wanted to be in the leading positions, not wanting others to grow. They do not take people’s opinions no matter how good, so the courage and encouragement wasn’t there.
I became so quiet nd introverted that people think it’s just who I am, plus I’m a nice person so I usually get this baby and special treatment from people which made me not to want to do some of the things which I feel may change their opinion of me even tho that wasn’t who I really am. I’m cool nd nice but I do not like to tolerate nonsense, but because I’ve always been quiet people misjudged me for someone who tolerates and allows anything. Since I didn’t want them to see me as a different person, I chose to remain that simple, shy, quiet, gentle and loving Stella everyone knows. I’m the type of person who really cares about what people think of me, I’m so sensitive.
Now I’m grown, I’m presently 27, will be 28 in two months and I’m a bit bolder, more confident, and kind of daring, because I have done a lot of practices, I’ve really worked on myself. But the major setbacks holding me from achieving all my listed goals is the lack of ability to look people straight in the eyes when having a discussion and the inability to face a large crowd.
I really do not know what to do, at a point I knew I needed a therapist but which one exactly, where and can I really afford the cost.