How to Manage Your Anger After a Breakup
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 3, 2023
by Marina Pearson
Going through a divorce or breakup is never easy, and it can be difficult not to feel hard done by. Anger and resentments towards the ex you once loved can build quickly.
The problem is that anger, while a useful emotion in many ways, left to run rampant is also a form of stress. It can play havoc with your adrenal system and digestive system and end up draining and exhausting you just when you need to collect your energies and focus on healing.
So while suppressing or denying your anger after experiencing a heartbreak is never a good idea, and examining why you feel so angry with the support of a coach or counsellor can lead to great revelations, you also need to find ways that stop anger towards your ex – and even your life for taking you to this place of pain – from controlling your days.
5 Ways to Manage Your Anger After a Breakup
1. Awareness
You can’t change or let go of what you are denying, so it is first and foremost important to get honest with yourself about what you are really feeling.
How big is your anger, really? When did you last (if ever) feel so angry? Is this anger triggering other, older upsets for you? What is behind the anger – sadness, despair, fear? Awareness is the first step towards change and will help you to own your feelings, which is the key to letting them go.
And you’ll also have to get honest about how you might be trying to run away from your feelings. Are you turning to drugs, alcohol, or overeating? Are you overworking or overexercising to avoid how you feel?
Also pay attention to whether you are judging yourself for feeling angry. It’s common post-breakup to turn our anger towards ourselves, too, judging our feelings and thoughts, and blaming our feelings for making us feel bad.
Perhaps you are also judging yourself for not being ‘good enough’ to keep a relationship going, or feeling things are all your fault. What would happen if you just accepted that you feel low and upset, and decided to show yourself some compassion?
2. Get physical
Science is increasingly showing a connection between the mind, body, and emotions. For some people, it can be helpful when managing anger to release it physically. This might mean bashing a pillow with a rolling pin or your fist, shouting and screaming where nobody can here you, or going for a long hard run. For other people a more calming physical exercise, like yoga, can help you feel balanced and centred even though you are processing anger.
3. Find ways to feel centred in the storm
Anger can make us feel so tense and distracted that it can be hard to get through our days, let alone when we are also dealing with sadness and then the practicalities of separating your life from that of your ex. It can be very helpful to find routes to feeling grounded.
This might involve time in nature, a physical exercise like yoga, or a few minutes a day spent deep breathing or journalling.
Mindfulness can be something that helps. Involving present moment awareness, it helps you to stay with what is going on for you in the now, instead of being so distracted by the upset of the past and your worries for the future. It also allows you to really hear your thoughts and feelings as they arise.
4. Learn the power of balanced thinking
Speaking of mindfulness, one of the great side effects it offers is helping us to choose what we think (and therefore what we feel, too, as thoughts create feelings). When we train our attention on what we are thinking, we can learn with practise to catch our thoughts fast enough that we can then decide whether to continue with a thought or instead choose another way of seeing things.
Hopefully we will choose a balanced way of thinking, instead of the extreme, black and white thinking it’s easy to fall prey to when life is challenging or we are upset. In psychology, such thinking is called ‘cognitive distortions‘. Balanced thoughts don’t involve words like ‘every’, ‘only’, and ‘forever’, but are thoughts that allow for possibility. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) especially works to help you notice and change your cognitive distortions into more useful patterns of thought and behaviour.
And when you listen to your thoughts in a mindful way, might be surprised to find that sometimes it’s your own thoughts creating and triggering your feelings of fury, as opposed to anything your ex really did in the past. At the end of the day, a lot of our negative feelings are an interpretation of what we think happened, as opposed to anything based on real fact. Mindfulness helps you to catch yourself having such distorted thoughts as well as having angry thoughts, and with practice helps you gain enough control you can consciously decide whether you want to continue to have certain angry thoughts – or not.
Your anger can in this way become a sort of guidepost. Every time you feel anger, you can ask yourself, what am I thinking or feeling here? Is it how my situation really is, or how I am perceiving it? And how could I choose to see it differently, what balanced thought could I have instead?
5. Talk it out.
Friends, no matter how well meaning, are sometimes too personally invested in our situation to be a good listener or to be honest with us. Their own desire for us to not be upset can stop us from feeling comfortable expressing the depth of our anger and sadness. Also, they might agree with outrageous things we say or do out of anger and hurt because it seems easier then upsetting us further by telling us when we are out of line.
The trouble is, to heal, we need to be able to be honest with ourselves both about what we are feeling and the choices we are now making.
Sometimes outside help can be the best thing. This might be in the form of a support group, an online forum, a coach, or a counsellor. The wonderful thing about working with a professional is that they are not invested in our situation and offer a completely unbiased perspective. They are also trained to listen fully, which in itself can be deeply healing and lead to you coming up with your own realisations that help you process and step through your anger.
Why struggle on your own when you don’t have to? When we are fresh from a breakup of a marriage or relationship we can feel so alone and awful we feel we don’t deserve help, or that we are now ‘destined’ to have to do things alone so should just ‘get used to it’. Don’t let such negative thoughts stop you from getting the support you need process your anger and heal your heart.
Have you managed your emotions after a breakup? Share your tips below, we love hearing from you.
Marina Pearson is an author, facilitator, and speaker on the subject of Effortless Living. She supports professionals and entrepreneurs to transform stress into ease and results.
(Photos by Nicolas Raymond, Michael Theis, B Rosen)
I`ve been angry lately. I was very hurt after my partner of four years ended the relationship. At first I was upset and confused because she gave me the impression that everything was fine until she ended it. She always told me she loved me, planning things ahead committing to the relationship, we had two lovely holidays a year, moved into our new home in August 19 and 3 months after that, she ended it. I still stayed until I moved out after a few days later but she was still cuddling and kissing me in bed, telling me she loved me. I asked how long she felt like this then said she had been unhappy for over a whole year!!! but the other 3 years were marvelous. She told me her menopausal symptoms had gotten worse (shes 56) in the last year, didn’t liked to be touched on her body and the thought of sex repulsed her. She changed in that she was more anxious and irritable since we moved. I asked her if it was the menopause or really me she didn’t want to make love to but she was adamant the menopause had given her all the physical symptoms. Her words” I feel such like a bitch the way Ive treated you over this. You are a caring and decent man, you don’t deserve it. I`m extra sensitive emotionally and dead sexually. I hate what I`ve become!”. But she still messages and rings me, telling me she loves me and she wished she still wanted sex with me. She then started to say that our lifestyle wasn’t what she wanted but felt her sensitivity was causing minor issues to become much larger issues. I was starting think she was blaming everything and anything on the break up. She was positive one day and negative on and off for about a month after the break. It actually felt like that she had been the one dumped the way she said she was hurting? I was so confused.
However, she had a lot of health issues during the relationship, slipped disc, cancer operation to remove a tumour, family issues etc during the 4 years. Any problem I was there to help and support and she took advantage of that. I was healthy and strong so I stood by her. I love her, so of course it was natural I wanted to help her. She told me she`d be there for me in the future. In the last 12 months I did have some financial issues out of my control which made me moody low and anxious myself. Her son became an issue at one point being quite disruptive and caused us both stress. I thought she would stand by me during my low point but she bailed out when I needed her most, at a time I needed her most. She admits she`s let me down and I feel let down. I am very angry about that now. Obviously, I feel the hurt of loss of the relationship, I love her so much, she was the one for me but the feeling of “youve been useful but now you need me – goodbye” is hurtful and has made me angry. I`m angry she didn’t tell me she was unhappy before now because she always had the opportunity to discuss things with me, she had full freedom to do what she wanted and did, and talk to me openly. Thing is I have 4 years of messages making me believe everything was okay, nothing was negative in her words. Only 6 months sago I said are you happy and she said she`d be gutted if we ended and still loved me. So I feel shes wasted these 6 months of my life telling me things that were not true.
She then said she was with me because I was a safe option. Her last BF 5 years ago left her for a work colleague and she had to work with them for a whole year which hurt her so much. So I just feel now I was a safe option, she new I could never treat her that way and because she couldn’t have the man she wanted.
Because I have been angry I sent some messages telling her how she had let me down, criticizing her double standards and telling her I wished when she needed me I should have dumped her, like she had dumped me now. It was because I was hurting. So she`s not been contacting me anymore or replying to a message. So I stopped messaging. This week she was seen with another guy, which made me angry again because she had no reason to lie to me about not seeing anyone else. I just wanted the truth. Maybe she dating someone else to punish me for being nasty to her or testing the water if she feels like dating on the rebound.
But I`m also sad that she isnt the person I used to know and love. I have to move on, it hurts and I will continue to process the anger I have toward her actions.
Hi Keke, relationships are hard. Breakups are hard. It’s normal to feel angry, confused, and say certain things you regret. It’s also sadly very common for communication breakdown in relationships and for things to be hidden and for people to have contradictory feelings. Being human is complicated, love is complicated. Communication problems are always 50/50, with one person being too nervous to be open with the other or hurt them, and then the other feeling enraged they hid things, for example. What we sense here that feels the most important is that you don’t have anyone to talk to. That you are really dealing with all this alone. And that’s not great. If there was any chance you would consider reaching out for support, if you could gather up your courage to do so, that would be great. A counsellor, for example, would create a really safe space for you to process all of this, without any kind of judgement. Otherwise, if you are feeling very low over it, don’t overlook calling a free mental health hotline. That is what they are there for, and the volunteers on the other end of the phone are happy to take your call. Best, HT
Thanks HT, For four years and right until the split her behaviour and sentiments were absolutely going forwards with the relationship. There`s a lot of contradicting sentiments now and that`s very confusing for me. Maybe partly to protect my feelings after the split, I understand that. But why would she get new keys cut for me for her new flat a month before she ended it if not going forward? Planning our next holiday? If there was an overriding issue that were a problem that was evident, then if that were the case, I`d be sure what the problem was. “I want to be friends, I respect you and I love you” even now 2 months after a split is very confusing. She led me to think we`d be enjoying our future together. So that`s going forward in anyone’s eyes & hence a shock when we ended. Someone tells you they love you, need you, why not think like that? Okay, must be an issue with her enough to end it, and obviously I didn’t see it. I knew she was stressed at work and thought it was that. I`m not a mind reader. Fair enough, there has been a lack of communication of feelings on her part, she admits that has caused this to happen. I thought we always had good communication between us. She feels very guilty over her behaviour in not supporting me when I have had recent external stresses making me unhappy. That did effect us both for while. I just thought we`d work through current problems as we did with her problems. Seems I`m only good enough to support her when she needs help, which has made me feel used and hence angry. But she accepts I am angry and understands why. My big problem is I feel exactly like day 1, two months later, I don’t feel as if it is over. I`m still shell shocked with ruminating thoughts and think of her all the time. But we were very close and I miss the lifestyle, love and companionship. I`m also angry she`s trying to move on so suddenly, filling her life up with going out with new friends, making herself busy all the time. I feel abandoned, left with all these feelings and jealous of her new friends having the access to her. I am seeing a counselor and have friends to discuss it with but it is the focus of my attention all the time. Its a very difficult time.
Anyway, she did contact me to say she wasn’t seeing another man. She has no interest in other men or any relationship with anyone else because of her menopause issues. She wants time alone. I`m not saying she`s lied deliberately but why should I trust her words when she misled me with her intentions during the relationship. But I felt she was always honest and sincere with me during our time together. Time will tell.
Hi Keke, two months is still quite new. These things can take a very long time and be like a long bereavement, and leave us ruminating and trying to be a mind reader even when we know we aren’t one. Like any bereavement, acceptance does eventually come, but in its own time and until then it’s a one day a time affair. You are seeking help which is great.
Like you said, you are not a mind reader. And yet your thoughts are full only of trying to read her mind and actions, addictively so. Just try to notice every time you are thinking of her and only her, and question your thoughts. Don’t judge yourself or the thoughts. Just ask, how they are benefitting you, if you want to be having them, what other things you’d rather be thinking and doing instead. For now you might be too paralysed by anger to let go of thoughts or start doing things that you want to do with your life, but bit by bit it does happen. And we move on.