Do You Have a ‘Victim Personality’? 12 Trauma-Informed Signs to Know
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
November 24, 2025
Being told you’re “playing the victim” can feel incredibly invalidating – especially if you’ve lived through real trauma, discrimination or difficult life experiences. The truth is, many behaviours that get labelled as a “victim mindset” are actually protective survival responses learned during times when you didn’t have power, safety or support.
This article isn’t about blaming or shaming.
It’s about helping you recognise patterns that may have once kept you safe, but are now keeping you stuck – and understanding the compassionate, trauma-informed pathway out.
Why does it matter?
You can absolutely acknowledge the harm you’ve been through and reclaim your agency. These two truths can exist together.
Healing doesn’t require pretending the past didn’t happen.
It means slowly expanding your capacity to feel grounded, connected and in charge of your life again, with support where needed.
12 Signs You Might Be Operating from Survival Mode (Often Mistaken for a “Victim Personality”)
1. You often feel helpless or overwhelmed.
Feeling powerless is a common trauma response. When safety wasn’t available in childhood, the nervous system can default to “freeze” in adulthood. This doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means your body learned a survival strategy that no longer serves you.
2. You find yourself venting or complaining a lot.
Talking about situations repeatedly can be an attempt to regulate emotions, make sense of experiences or seek connection. It becomes unhelpful only when it replaces taking steps forward and usually this is because the steps feel too big or unsafe, not because you’re unwilling.
3. You struggle to express anger directly.
If anger wasn’t safe growing up, you may suppress it or only express it indirectly. Hidden anger doesn’t mean you’re manipulative, it means you were never taught safe emotional expression.
4. You assume others are annoyed or disappointed in you.
This hyper-awareness is often rooted in childhood environments where you had to monitor others’ moods to stay safe. It’s not “paranoia” – it’s conditioning.
5. You expect others to “just know” how you feel.
If communicating needs led to rejection or punishment in the past, it’s understandable that stating them directly feels risky.
6. You focus more on others’ behaviour than your own needs.
This can be a survival pattern: scanning for danger, anticipating reactions or trying to prevent conflict.
7. You replay events long after they’re over.
Rumination is a form of mental problem-solving that traumatised brains default to. It’s a way of trying to create safety after the fact.
8. You see the world as a threatening place. 
If bad things have happened or if you grew up in unpredictable environments – your nervous system may remain on high alert, leading to persistent fear even in relatively safe contexts.
9. You feel stuck, no matter how hard you try.
Self-sabotage is usually a trauma response, not a personality flaw. When your brain equates success with risk, it can unconsciously pull you back into familiar patterns.
10. Stress makes you shut down or go blank.
This is a well-known trauma response. “Brain fog” or “freeze mode” under pressure is biological, not a choice.
11. You bring up the past because it still feels alive in your body.
Talking about early experiences can be a way of searching for validation, belonging or understanding. The goal isn’t to stop mentioning the past – it’s to help your body learn that it is the past.
12. You feel exhausted, run-down or unwell often.
Chronic stress and emotional suppression can impact immunity, energy levels, and sleep. This doesn’t make you a “victim” – it makes you human.
If this sounds familiar… you’re not doing anything wrong
These patterns are not your fault.
They are survival strategies your nervous system adopted during times you had little choice.
The good news? Patterns learned through protection can be unlearned through support.
What healing actually looks like
Healing from these patterns is not about “snapping out of it” or “thinking differently.”
It’s about:
- Understanding where these responses came from
- Learning safer ways to regulate your nervous system
- Reconnecting with boundaries, needs and agency
- Receiving support instead of carrying everything alone
- Slowly expanding your tolerance for empowerment and self-trust
Working with a trauma-informed counsellor or psychotherapist can make this journey far safer and more manageable. Therapy provides a steady, compassionate environment to understand these patterns and replace them with healthier ones.
You deserve to feel grounded, capable, and connected. And with the right support, that is entirely possible.
I am a bit confused as to whether or not this applies to me. My boyfriend has recently begun saying that I “always love to victimize” myself when I try to explain the ways he’s hurting me to him after he gets mad at me. He often gets mad at me for no reason or severely overreacts to small situations.
For example, it was about to snow and we had just parked our car about 3 blocks from our apartment. Walking, we were one block from the apartment when I realized I forgot to put my windshield wipers up. I told my partner to go ahead (it as cold and he had only a light jacket (his coldness was even something we had just discussed), that I would run back to the car and put them up, and then meet him home. He freaked out yelling that he “doesn’t understand why people [me] always want to do stupid S*** that doesn’t make any sense, that I create too much trouble where it’s not needed, and a number of other things.
This type of situation occurs regularly (most recently because I asked him to do a small favor for my best friend– he yelled “why would I want/need to help ____, I don’t owe him anything” despite me not suggesting that he did).
When these things occur, I try to calm him down, talk it out, but it often escalates when this causes him to say very mean and personal things, which makes me upset (sometimes, increasingly more, I cry). He says I victimize myself and overreact to everything, and I am starting to believe it, but when I manage to take a step back I can’t help but feel that it is him who is overreactive.
Reading this is very interesting for me because I do match some of the symptoms (3, 4, 8-11). Especially #11. I have had a very frustrating couple of years, in which I have had two abusive jobs back-to-back (the first in which I had was told I was unintelligent and incapable literally every day and was even physically threatened, and the second of which I was sexually harassed, tickled, and asked for naked photos by my boss’ husband while she was away for 3 months traveling for work). I am now working outside of my field, taking care of elderly people for money (which I actually quite enjoy! I’ve made great friends) while I search for a job relevant to my background (my field is competitive). When I wanted to leave my first job (I didn’t leave until I was offered a new position), my partner told me I wasn’t being responsible or acting like an adult because everyone experiences bad stuff at work and that’s just life.” I personally do not feel that I deserve to be treated the way I have been treated in my jobs. I work hard and I know I am smart, despite what all these people have told me. It is hard to feel that way sometimes, though, and with my partner constantly getting angry with me over things that do not make sense to me, I cannot help but to feel a bit like a victim.
Am I someone with a victim personality, or have I just had a rough string of experiences in the past (almost) two years? Probably not a clear cut answer! But any advice would be appreciated.
Are you asking the right question? We don’t know you or your partner or the full situation so we only have what you say to go on. But the questions we’d ask are, what is the positive from this relationship? Are you happy? Or do you feel you am walking on eggshells? You don’t mention a single positive in all of the above about the relationship. What do you think love is? Do you think love is something you have to earn, or that you should be loved for just being who you are? Do you find that you are always in situations – work, romance – where you have to ‘prove’ yourself? Is this in fact a common in all romantic relationships? And is there a relationship in your childhood where you had to ‘prove’ yourself, always be good, quiet, whatever it was, or were you fully accepted no matter what your mood or thoughts? Was there a trauma that left you feeling not good enough? In summary, there feels to be a lot more going on here. We would actually suggest you seek support, it’s likely there is a strong schema (pattern) from your childhood that is constantly leaving you to choose jobs/relationships/situations where you have to put up with an awful lot and/or feel abused. A counsellor or therapist could help you get to the bottom of it.
for the longest time I have complained to myself, and some people around me (at embarrassing break down moments), not knowing what was wrong with me. feeling like shit and thinking depressing and overwhelmingly realistic (but wishing they arn’t) thoughts that would constantly cross my brain. but as soon as I try explaining them, the thoughts disappear and I’m left with nothing but “I don’t know whats wrong with me”. I can’t surface my feelings or understand where they are coming from. I can’t even begin to understand. I’m confused and don’t know my own mind. and literally almost all of these bullet points apply. I’ve tried therapy, but to me I will make it a good one session, then the next session I feel worse than I did before. I guess I just want to know if there is any other method besides counseling, at all. this blog and post I’m currently writing is probably the most sense I’ve made of my head in a long time.
Hi Jennifer, we congratulate you on your honesty and bravery for sharing this. It sounds like you are under severe stress. We don’t know you, and can’t diagnose anyone over a comment or without knowing them. But there is definitely heavy negative thinking here (assuming things are realistic but they will be a perspective). But the way your thoughts disappear as you try to explain does show high levels of stress. As does not knowing your feelings. These might point to a childhood trauma that has left you slightly dissociated, for example. You might want to read about long term PTSD from childhood trauma and see if it resonates. As for therapy being hard, guess what… it is! There is no short cut. We can’t snap our fingers and undo a lifetime of difficulty, sadly. God knows we wish that was the case but life just is not like that. It’s normal to feel bad sometimes with therapy. BUT, that said, if you do have PTSD, then some forms of therapy, like psychodynamic or general counselling, can be entirely wrong for you and make you literally worse as they re-trigger the trauma! If a counsellor or therapist is not trained at recognising long-term PTSD (and sadly too many are not, which is why it’s important to work with a good one) they can unwittingly be making things worse for you. If you had childhood trauma then consider EMDR and CBT therapies. They both work to actually reprogram the brain away from stress responses. Use the search bar on our site to read more about these types of therapies. Once you calm the physical and emotional response to trauma and can actually access your thoughts and feelings without feeling triggered into a trauma response, then and only then, other therapies can help. Other types of therapies that help with trauma response but which we can’t recommend as they are not licensed by the BACP here in the UK are hypnotherapy and BWRT therapy. Hope that helps!
I just want to say thank you for this website. I stumbled on it searching for other information last night (about adjustment disorders) and came across multiple blog entries that were informative and interesting. I am currently in therapy – and while I never thought of my self as a victim – I was surprised to find some of these examples match up to me, mostly #2, 5, 7, & 10. I think this will be something that I might bring up with my current therapist and see what she thinks. I feel like I’ve plateaued – and I’m looking for things to push me forward.
Thank you so much for the positive feedback Elissa! We really do our best and it’s so great to hear we have helped. Yes definitely something to discuss with your therapist. As for plateau’ing, it’s actually normal…. sometimes though it’s like an iceberg with therapy. We think nothing is happening but a lot is going on under the surface in our unconscious. Wait it out.
I read quite a lot of your articles, whilst feeling good that I can relate to so many things that are highlighted- co dependency, depression, anxiety, passive aggressive, over giver, victim, knowing myself and many more. It also makes me wonder will I ever feel normal and happy, I am 53 and feel there are so many layers to cut through am I just to old now to change? Is this playing the “victim”?
Hi there Sally. First of all, what is this ‘normal’ and ‘happy’ you speak of? While advertising companies love us buying into this myth, in our experience, there is no ‘normal’ and the idea that we are to be happy all the time is a very Western concept that is not really very helpful – take a look at our latest article on this here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/being-happy-why-is-it-so-hard.htm. So perhaps it’s more about balance. Identifying the things you’d like to work on but taking time to also practice gratitude daily and engaging weekly in wellbeing activities. As for too old to change, 53 is hardly old, and personal change isn’t related to age, just the desire to do so, so get out there, find a counsellor you get along with, and go for it! All the best.
I think believing the world, the people should be good is something that has strengthens me being a victm. I realized that I want the world to have a good system. By good I mean people caring about others, people being polite…and that played two roles on me:
I would always expect that people were polite, assuming that beforehand, and then Id feel hurt when the opposite happened – This was crucial for me, because Id spend time on people, helping them, thinking that I was creating connection.
The second thing is that it hindered me from feeling anger. I realized this pattern on me, and have been looking for stuff about repressed emotions.
I suspected that something was wrong with me because I was always sick. I would get sick every month, and I was always cold somehow.
I realized that going deeper, playing the victm was much more than wanting attention, that are core believes around it.
I wanted to share a little bit of my experience, and thank for the article!
Hi Valesca, we are glad it helped! We’d offer one question here – what would it feel like if it was okay that people were just human? Not always good, not always bad, but just doing the best they can with what they have available? Something to think about. Best, Harley Therapy team.
I relate to the brain fog and disorientation under stress, but only under certain kinds of interpersonal stress. I’m normally fairly assertive and confident, and I thrive on stress at work, but when it comes to intimate relationships I get the brain fog if people have unpredictable moods. I fully understand the cause and I actually remember almost deliberately zoning out at home when I was a kid because back then there was nothing I could do about the environment I was in. Nowadays I am very aware of it and try to take action but feel frozen. I find it very frustrating and it makes me fear that I won’t act in my best interests. I have been in and out of therapy according to what is available on the NHS for around 15 years, and is been helpful for everything except this! I’m at a loss as to what to do about it. It disappears as soon as I leave the relationship but it just takes such a long time to get out. I have fainting spells and throw up a lot from the stress of being so desperate to leave and at the same time frozen. Is there a good technique to deal with this?
Hi there, great to hear you did reach out for support. Did anyone ever look at whether it was anxious attachment? From early years? Instead of just related to later household stress? Read our article on it here http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment. Anxious attachment means that relationships throw you into severe anxiety.
Was abused about eight nine years old, tried to tell Mum but, those days hard, and put up with it, and Dad if he knew would of killed him, both Paras was my uncle, crafty and touched me and done things I can still smell, had good marriage for forty odd years, my husband a true heart, died twelve years ago a hero, did try to tell family, but so long ago. 72 now, but still remember that awful man. Love my Auntie and would never let herknow what he was like.
Hi Maggie, sounds tough. Give yourself some credit for managing a long good relationship after that, many people who suffered with abuse can’t. Finally, age is irrelevant. It’s obviously still bothering you or you wouldn’t be googling and finding this article. It’s never too late to reach out for support to find some peace over all this. In fact some find that their ‘silver years’ are a great time to try some counselling as it’s the time a lot of thinking can be done and there is time to focus on you. There are all sorts of free to low cost counselling on offer these days, you can read our article here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and if you are in the UK there is also a free hotline and service for seniors who need someone to talk to https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/. We wish you courage! Best, HT
Sounds to me like you’re just saying if someone doesn’t get out of a bad situation and they feel that they didn’t deserve it that its really their fault abd they are just looking for attention. There are plenty of attention seekers but not everyones situations are the same and shouldn’t be treated that way. Guess all abusers should get a free pass because noone is owed anything and if they’re treated negatively it is their fault for acting powerless. This article just seems harmful to sexual abuse survivors.
And how’s all that anger working for you? And throwing it around where ever you can find a place for it? We’re willing to be it’s leaving you lonely and depressed and far from reaching any sort of potential. If you read the article properly, as well as the linked article it mentions, you’ll find this article is nothing of the sort. And it’s actually written by an abuse survivor who, however, chooses to be empowered over living out rage non stop. That choice is one you have to make for yourself – or not. Best, HT.
I don’t know if I have a victim mentality or not?
My childhood was filled with all kinds of abuse, and my adult years had its fair share of trauma too.
I certainly feel the world is an unsafe place, and am a master at reading people’s body language to gauge if they’re a threat to me, or if I need to immediately placate them somehow etc.
I agree with all of the above except for feeling entitled and looking for sympathy.
I do feel deeply misunderstood however, and might bring up the fact that I have brain fog due to stress e.g. in order to just get some empathy. I also have a health condition which means I can’t do the same things as others and I feel like I’m desperately trying to get empathy from my family and people around me who judge without understanding. Is this the same thing?
I definitely don’t feel entitled, in fact I struggle with feeling like I deserve good things.
I feel deeply lonely at times, caught in a web of anxiety and if I bring up the past its my effort to bridge the deep chasm I feel between me and others.
Correct me if I am wrong, but isn’t a victim mentality someone who is a constant bratty whiner? Who throws tantrums when every day things don’t go their way?
Am I this? I am open-minded and willing to change. Maybe I have a blind spot about this.
Hi there. Not at all, sometimes people with a victim mentality are far from being a whiner. They might, for example, choose to suffer in silence and then feel they are special for doing so. A victim mentality comes down to the thoughts and beliefs running through your head. Do you believe you suffer more than others? That nobody understands? That others or the world ‘owe’ you? That there is ‘nothing you can do’? That you are ‘helpless’? These kinds of thoughts arise from the victim mentality. Life is unfair. Bad things happen to good people. As children, we don’t have options. As adults, we do. So perhaps the biggest question is, are you using your power of choice as an adult to seek help to get better? Or are you choosing to suffer? We are not saying your suffering is not real. But we are saying that change has to start with reaching out for the help we need, or choosing to seek new relationships with people who we feel good around. And these things only change if we choose to make the steps forward. Nobody else can do that for us. Victimhood is passive. It seems you are taking actions to understand yourself, so you are on the right path! Best, HT.
While I acknowledge that I have the personality of a victim, that does not change it from being warranted. When I was young, my parents used to say that I was “gifted” or “very intelligent,” which led to a philosophic tendency. In this context the very term of “gifted” is wrong: why should I have to struggle with the thought of how futile life is purely since I was born like that? Why should I have to work to change that part of myself when I never asked for it? Life itself is a victim-hood. No one asks for their parents to decide to have a child, they just get left with the results. The world is cruel, unfair, and utterly meaningless. Simply to continue to survive requires work in the form of eating, drinking, staying clean, etc. It is easy to have a victim complex because you ARE the victim. By being born you are thrust into a world which will never be as good as you would like it to be, bound by a will to survive that has no basis. The entire reason that the fantasy genre exists is to escape the world, and no one can ever perfect anything. “What is the point of living” is a question that, though thousands of years have passed, no one has yet to answer. And, before you make the argument of “you have to make your life have meaning,” I should not have to. So much work for so little reward. If life is a struggle that you can never “win,” then why play at all?
Why would we argue that you have to make your life have meaning? It’s your life. And yet here you are, looking up the victim mentality and taking the time and effort to make this comment. So we’d challenge this entire thing entirely. We’d say the very point you are here commenting is you think life does have meaning, but perhaps by admitting it, and having to give up your addiction to this negative viewpoint and very one-sided story that you rely on for attention and to punish those around you, you wouldn’t know who you were anymore and that scares you. Much easier to go around leaving anonymous diatribes than face up to the fact it bores you and you want more from life now. But nobody else can make that choice for you. It’s up to you.
Victim mentality?
Come on now this is such a dangerous label and seriously degrades and devaluates the people who have suffered through horrific abuse.
Hi April, if you read the article, it isn’t about degrading or devaluing anyone’s trauma or experiences but rather about helping them heal. Just because the most horrible things happen to someone doesn’t mean they have to always see themselves as a victim. A great read here is “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl, about his experience surviving a concentration camp. Best, HT.
I’ve been in therapy for about 5 years. I’ve had my therapists changed several times, they left to go somewhere else or I moved. My current therapist constantly tells me I’m stuck, which to be frank, despite 2 years of I still don’t fully understand why I’m stuck.
I guess it would be best to go over things that have had a significant impact on me. My childhood was not awful, but not good either. I was bullied in school since I was pretty small for my age. I was also teased and bullied by my extended family. They liked to make me cry and then laugh at me. When I was 6 my dad who only visited stopped coming around. My uncle who lived with me was drunk and high on marijuana all the time. My mom was immature and severely depressed. My sister was born when I was eight to a man I hated. It took a long time to be kind to her. We also lived with my great grandmother who was controlling. She passed from cancer when I was 10. Note I didn’t react to it at all, no crying or anything.
My teenage years were repressed by my own emotional and social immaturity, due to severe anxiety. I would say here began my victim mentality. I began dating at 14. A boy who treated me just like my family. His parents treated me like a burden. Looking back, I wish Someone was there for me to help me leave him. My only true friend was my dog. I had to put her down when she was 18 and I was 21. It was the most emotional I had ever been over a death, considering a few other family members passed during my teens. Luckily, I did well in school.
I started college at 17. My mother became involved with an abusive man. I’ll spare the details, but He threatened my mother’s life and made me feel worthless. At this point, I became severely depressed. I started having panic attacks, couldnt hold a job and quit college. Everything I held meaningful was berated by this man. The worst part was my mother did not stand up for me or my younger sister. I ultimately tried to be my sister’s protector. I struggled to become an adult.
Today, I am in my final semester of college at 30 for my bachelor’s degree. I still suffer crippling fatigue. I’m practicing radical acceptance that my therapist taught me. It’s hard to wake up everyday because I have tried tried a new diet, sleep hygiene, countless other techniques and taken steps for my mental health. I’m still depressed, I still hate myself and still feel like life has no meaning. I don’t want to be like this, but I fear this is how I will be, stuck.
Hi there Jackie. You don’t seem that trapped in the victim mentality here. You seem less prone to blaming others and rather just seeking to understand it all in a clinical, detached away. You are seeking the reasons outside of yourself, which can lead to victimising ourselves, but we think it’s also that you want to understand and feel deeply lonely and sad. What we see is a childhood with a lot of disruption and loneliness, and an inability to trust others to like you and want to take care of you. So there is a habit of focussing on the negative over a need to blame, perhaps? Perhaps as it’s easier to expect the worse as then you never get disappointed again? It seems like life has been full of disappointment for you, sadly with therapists who left and maybe reinforced that without meaning to. It takes a lot of courage to allow ourselves to hope for or notice good things if we grew up with constant disappointments. But the thing is, if we don’t take that risk, we end up living a half life. What could help you take that courageous step to notice what is working, every day? In summary, it sounds like you are making a lot of effort. What’s lacking is any self compassion. So radical acceptance sounds very useful and we hope you include acceptance and kindness to self in there. You might want to read our article on self compassion http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. A mindfulness practise would also help with focussing on what is going on here and now and what is working http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Finally, you are an adult in a Western first world country. Very few of us are actually stuck. We live in societies with freedom of choice, and can change our whole lives in a matter of days, if we actually want to. You aren’t stuck. You are just scared. Hardly surprising with all that chaos as a child. So work on taking small courageous steps and build from there. What one small fear can you face each day? Best, HT.
I need an advice. There’s someone that I am interested in and that person feel the same way. As we needed to get to know each other a bit more, I suggested that we (Him and myself) could meet everyday at night near a parc to go for a walk and talk, so we could get closer and closer. And we did meet a couple of time, and I could see how invested he was in it, asking to walk a bit longer, suggesting things to do together, asking me to talk more. But after sometime, we’ve stopped meeting, because he’s suddently not available, and I told him he should at least tell me when he’s not available because I am waiting for him every night, and so if he can’t make it, at least telling me via a text or a call would be nice, he apologized and said he will always inform me when he’s too busy to meet. And what I told him sound similar to #11 , so was it right for me to say that to him?
Hi there. So look, we can’t offer diagnosis based on a comment, we don’t know you or this other person and maybe there is more to the story. But we see a ton of red flags here. Control issues, high neediness, neuroticism, overthinking. What we don’t see is healthy relating and confidence. You set up how this was supposed to work, on your terms, in a very regimented way, with very high expectations of how things are supposed to go. But you can’t control life or other people. No matter how interested he might have been at first, he decided he no longer wanted to be under obligation to meet you every night. That’s up to him. Making him feel guilty is manipulative. He is not available, it’s clear, and yet you say ‘you are waiting every night’. When the message seems pretty clear. Now you have him walking on eggshells having to apologise for not doing what you want. This is not a healthy start to a relationship. This sort of controlling demanding behaviour drives others away as they feel suffocated. What does it come from? Why do you feel you have to see someone every day, for starters? That’s far too intense and a big ask of anyone. We’d suggest you make it clear that you are interested, but let him know it’s up to him the next time you meet, he can contact you. then leave him alone. If he doesn’t get in touch, then this time don’t guilt trip or manipulate, move on. Spend your time focussing on researching about meeting your own emotional needs and feeling comfortable in your own company, developing interests. This sort of overanalysing happens when we are not sourcing our sense of self from within. Best, HT.
I see this pattern very clearly in myself and you are right – it is a hard thing to see and a hard thing to adjust. I grew up in a space where I got a lot of attention when I was ‘wounded’ but I think not a lot of incentive for doing well. I grew up feeling like I was the martyr of the family – surrounded by people who were selfish, not understood by others. I formed many codependent relationships in my life. I’ve come a long way and achieved a lot – but I do still feel those tendrils reaching deep inside of me – of feeling powerless, of feeling like I will forever be the underdog. I’ve tried to fight against others I believed were victimizing me but that didn’t help. The only thing that could help is recognizing this pattern deep inside of me and deciding to shift my attention when I get into that familiar slump. Instead of claiming everyone is against me or dreaming up reasons why I am being maltreated – I honestly take stock of what I can do to improve my situation and set about doing those things.
Wow Tom beautiful share, thank you! And powerful. Sure to strike a chord with many. And what you say about getting more attention if we are wounded than well is very astute, sadly that also seems the case on social media these days. And we love what you say about stepping back and looking for where you do have the power, where you can take action. Sometimes it’s rather eye opening when we realise all the energy we were using to ‘fight back’ can go a long way if we use it to improve our situation instead. Best, HT.
So, when my daughter vents about her situation and asks me what my thoughts are and I respond She immediately says “well mom how about calling the pot calling the kettle black”. The conversation gets deflected and my daughter is great at deflecting in order to avoid her participation in argument with fiancée. If the two of them have an argument she requires an immediate apology and it has to be an exact apology or she won’t accept it or continues her anger.
Hi Iris. Mothering is hard, and mother daughter relationships complicated, we get that. And it can be hard to accept our children are now adults. So it sounds like you feel judged, and she feels judged. But you actually really are judging her on her relationship, when that’s between her and her fiancée. So have you actually had the courage to ask her what she means when she says the bit about the pot being black? And to listen without reacting? Do you accept her how she is, or are you often angry at her? Does she accept you or is she often angry at you? It summary, sounds like serious communication issues between you and a long standing problematic relationship that is blinding you both to seeing the positives in each other. Family therapy could really help. Best, HT.
I am confused here as I match with points #2,#5,#7. I am a over shareer to gain pity but again I always complain how my parents don’t understand me and forbid me to do things as gor example I want to go somewhere but they have to say no but after argument i endup houng there beinv stubborn but also sometimes i hv to drip that idea. I also try to brought up my struggles to other so that i can gain attain and they pity me. As the point 7 says i elaborate things happening wity me many times whaetever it can be good or bad. So am I am victim personality?
Hi Sayani, we can’t tell anyone what they are or aren’t without knowing them, based on a comment, that would be unprofessional and unhelpful. And it sounds like you are a teenager living with their parents? If we are a child or teen and we aren’t feeling loved, seen, or accepted at home, we can try to seek that attention by manipulative means elsewhere because we really do need attention to thrive as we are not yet an independent adult. In such a case you are not a victim, you are someone who feels lonely and unseen and is coping and doing their best by trying to get other people’s attentions, which is entirely understandable. And if you also have low self-esteem you might feel you have to get people to feel sorry for you to like you as you don’t feel likeable just for being you. So if you are lonely and sad and trying to find some sort of connection, try not to be hard on yourself about that. Best, HT.
Many of your articles ring home to me. Some big losses in last few years, breakdown of some family support. Enforced isolation in some ways helped, allowing me to feel free of commitments, concentrate on some creative hobbies, which was uplifting. Finding out where my skills lie, but in other ways it reduced social abilities and allowed me to gather clutter and obsess. I had hoped it might bring about new opportunities and changes for a better life balance. It has not, in fact it has made life weird and confusing. Some big issues I faced remain unresolved. I feel stupid. My workplace seems more extreme in its demands and less understanding of how to offer support to loyal workers. I feel worse off for sharing and more like a miserable victim. I crave for my life back, but fear commitments. I agree to things and wish I hadn’t, but think perhaps I should.I complain about others, but hate myself for doing so. Im upset if people do not do what i see as right as I put huge effort in to find our what is right. The negativity is killing me and not good for others. It creates guilt and shame. I am lost
There is nothing wrong with feeling lost. In fact sometimes we have to become really lost and realise we are lost to then finally make the effort to find ourselves fully for the first time in our lives. You are brave enough to see yourself, to realise that you are swinging into victim mode, that this is affecting your relationships, but that it is not who you really are. We agree, it is not who you are, what we sense is a woman trapped in patterns and a life that isn’t even what she wants deep down. You don’t sound stupid, you sound self aware and like you are going through a bit of self reckoning. So what has stopped you from seeking support? This is exactly the moment in life we need to reach out and seek support and an outside perspective to help us shift ours…it’s impossible to see the jungle if we are lost in the trees. These are all exactly the sort of things to discuss in the safe space of the therapy room, a therapist will totally understand all of this and help you totally shift your perspective and learn to live as your real self and recognise all the inner resources you have to bring to the table. If you are on a low budget, we have an article here on how to find low cost or even free counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Note that you might feel very uncomfortable at first, or not like any therapist at first, as we sense trust issues and relating issues and therapy is a relationship. Aim to find a therapist you feel you can grow to trust, and try to stick it out when you find that person. Best, HT.
This is a pretty wild post. “Hey trauma survivors, you are bad because you have PTSD symptoms”
Idk I could go point by point here and just respond with “this is a symptom of PTSD” but I’m not sure I see the point there.
The goal is recovery. Probably 100% of the people who got here were like “I’m trying to better myself” and this post is literally as helpful as “get good”
Seeing a therapist who is actually capable to leading our nervous system out of dysregulation is a much faster route to recovery than trying to foster “you are bad, look at all the bad things you do that I don’t like. stop doing them” in someone’s head.
Patrick Teahan is so much more helpful than anything here. He even has a video on victim mentality – the author of this article could probably benefit from listening to him.
I only thought that everything is going wrong with me. No matter how much hard work I do but the result always comes negative.
And now I am scared of doing hard work. I want to share what’s going on with me to tell someone but there’s no one to hear me. I just sat the whole day in my room with my books and overthinking everything. I don’t have friends to talk to, not have supportive parents.
Im afraid that I guilt people that dont deserve to be treated that way . I am a very emotional person, which I consider both a good a bad thing, on one hand I am very supportive, very vocal about others and their positive traits, and Ive been there for others in their darkest moments, but on the other hand, the thought of hurting others, especially ones I care about borderline terrifies me, and as much as I want to handle making a mistake in a healthy way, whenever I do hurt someone, I tend to breakdown in guilt and spew apologies than taking the cricitism in a healthy way, which leads to people feeling guilty for even bringing it up. Its what caused me to get dumped in my first relationship with someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Whenever he would express something that he didnt like me doing, I would breakdown in guilt apologizing to him for hurting him and he would have to be the one to comfort me instead of it being the other way around like it should have. The worst part was that I never realized this being a problem until he dumped me. Ive been told that Im a good person thats just way too hard of themselves for their own good, but I just want to stop this unhealthy reaction I have.
i was on board for learning about this and educating myself on the topic until i started reading the responses that this so called “therapy” website decided to leave on so many of its READERS responses. I can’t even fathom someone who claims to know therapy and psychology respond to people and their experiences the way “Harley Therapy” does. This whole article talks about being manipulative and defensive and a victim yet the writers do the same thing when someone writes an opinion they don’t agree with about their work on the article. Maybe the people writing these things should take their own advice and look at their own actions and words and try to BE BETTER …Just have some more humanity for people and their experiences and yes, even the people who complain and feel like they were wronged 🙂 Respect and understanding isnt one sided… Truly some of these responses look like they are written by a 16 year old with a blog and a bone to pick with anyone who doesn’t think their little list of “victim mentality traits” (aka-traits that can fully occur without self victimization or trying to be “manipulative”) are completely correct and accurate for all situations….Now dont get me wrong im not saying yall SAID that this list was 100% applicable to all situations but if you go back and read how you responded to some of these readers comments, it sure implies that you DO. but heyy sure mark me down for writing to strangers on the internet and while your at it go ahead and list yourselves too 😉 XD . Only thing worse then a self made victim is an oblivious hypocrite whose a “therapist”?!!!???. (it aint personal yall rly just sound like assholes to a lot of these readers)
When ever I try to speak my mind or try to say how painful his actions were to me, he always says I like playing the victim game , when ever I try to talk he feels I’m playing the victim game that I always want people to feel pity for me
Hello I am Jackie I am literally everything you mentioned …I don’t take responsibility..I feel frozen in life…I hold grudges…I have trouble being assertive…I feel powerless …I don’t trust others…I don’t know when enough is enough…I literally argue a lot…I feel self pity…I constantly come myself to other’s….i see life as always lacking…I am a very critical….i think I am perfect …I cut people out by the slightest mistake …I am always afraid….i don’t care about anyone apart from myself ..since I was a child I am always use to being at the front I was brought up in a good and home…faced traumas but I want to be a better person..I maladaptive day dreamer about a boy in my head a lot of things…please I need help..I grew up people abusing my mom in front of me because she owned an high school but at a point I like the attention I was receiving..it’s a lot but I want to change..thank you
I’m not sure if I fit the bill or not, but my depression has gotten a lot worse and I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts. So my brother told me I used suicide as an excuse to get out of things. He didn’t know had been dealing with these thoughts for years. Thoughts of I don’t belong here, feeling lonely and hurt. I also have a disability that has gotten worse and I don’t know how to handle it sometimes. I have a new doctor, but I’m not happy with him. He treated me poorly last time I saw him, but I don’t think there’s another GI available. I have a therapy appointment coming up for help and they did gene testing to find the best med for me. I’m currently looking for a new job because I’m facing discrimination in the workplace and my administrator is the one who is discriminating. I felt the best route right now is applying to new jobs. I’ve screwed up a lot, I know I’m trying to change the things I feel I can safely do.
Thank you for making this article. I used to be as angry as some in the comments because i didnt want the blame that i was placing on others. But i realize that i do have a choice now. Im not bound by even my own thoughts. I can be who i want to be but i need to get help. Im trying
Hola termine acá porque vengo hace años después de que fui cuidadora de mi madre con ELA por 4 años siendo hija única y a la par llevar un hogar y tener hijos porque todo se dio al tiempo y desde entonces empecé un camino hacia mi. Sere breve, tuve una infancia donde recuerdo mucha soledad y abandono. Falta de afecto y mi madre cuando enfurecía me decía constantemente que “yo era una inútil, que no servía para nada”. Ahora tengo casi 39 años y no logro generar dinero, sacar un proyecto adelante, pagar mis necesidades básicas y vivo culpandome por ello. El auto saboteo es demasiado. Se que tengo talentos, capacidades pero me bloqueó, me abrumo y me cuesta manejar el estrés. He tenido ansiedad y cuadros depresivos a lo largo de mi vida. Pierdo el apetito apenas llega una emoción baja. Género dependencia emocional y económica con la pareja. Y sucede que si expreso como me siento en un momento determinado en mi entorno me dicen que soy insoportable haciendo la víctima y sucede que siento que estoy muy sola porque no tengo amistades y mantengo casi encerrada en mi casa con mis 3 hijos y una perrita pues mi exesposo dejo la relación por iniciar una con una jovencita y según él porque jamás le ayude a progresar. Siento que colapso mental y emocionalmente y que mi rol de madre no lo estoy haciendo bien. Tengo muchas metas y sueños, Todas las noche me culpo por posponer y sabotear esos pequeños pasos q soy consiente debo seguir para lograrlos. Gracias por su linda labor. Me ayudó a ver que si me victimiso.