Is Existential Therapy the Right Fit For You?
By: Moyan Brenn
“Who are you? Should you be doing more with your life, feeling more? Why do other people seem to have more fun than you? What is it that has you feeling so lonely and like you just don’t belong? And what is the real point of this thing called life, anyway?”
Read on to discover if working with an existential psychotherapist, or an integrative therapist who has studied and pulls from existential psychotherapy, might be the right choice for you.
[You might also find our piece ‘what is existential psychotherapy‘ helpful.]
Do you want to learn more about yourself, but don’t trust psychology or medicine to have all the answers?
Existential therapy is a school of psychotherapeutic thought that is rather different than the others. It doesn’t look to psychology or medicine for answers to psychological wellbeing but to the longstanding world of philosophy. So if you prefer Kierkegaard to Freud, this might be the therapy for you.
Do you suffer low moods because of a nagging feeling your life lacks purpose?
By: skyandsea876
At the heart of existential psychotherapy is the understanding that the meaning and purpose we feel in life is directly connected to our sense of wellbeing.
Existential therapy helps you become crystal clear on what really matters to you, and what you want the rest of your life to be about.
Do your long to contribute to the world, but then just feel anxious as you don’t know how or what?
Existential psychotherapy believes that it is doubting or not knowing our purpose that causes a lot of anxiety and despair in the world.
But we can’t find peace by just focussing on ourselves. We all have a longing to be connected to others. So existential psychotherapy helps you look at your place within the world at large.
Do you often question who you are, or worry you are having an identity crisis?
Existential therapy might be perfect for you. It is all about asking questions that give you a full perspective of yourself and your life at last.
Existential therapy shines light on your own values and beliefs, distinct from those of others around you or even the society you live in. What matters to you, personally?
Are you haunted by thoughts about death and loneliness?
Existential therapy recognises what it calls ‘givens’ – things in life that we all must experience and can’t avoid, such as death, being alone, and the responsibility of freedom.
An existential therapist works to help you accept and find your own comfort level with such givens, so you are no longer overwhelmed by them and can make good decisions when you do end up facing such experiences.
Do you worry you are lacking an appetite for living that others seem to naturally have?
The purpose of existential psychotherapy is to help you figure out who you are and what you actually want from life – what truly matters to you as an individual, outside of what others or society tells you ‘should’ matter.
It is possible to wake up every day feeling excited when we finally choose to be and do that which we feel gives our life meaning.
Do you just wish you had a better perspective on life in general?
Unlike something like cognitive behavioural therapy which is concerned only with your thoughts, feelings, and actions, existential psychotherapy believes it is helpful to you look at a much bigger picture, aiming to help you see your life as a whole.
What are your unique ways of being and seeing? Who are you, what do you really want, where are you going?
Do you find the Western obsession with being ‘happy’ all the time suspicious?
Existential psychotherapy points out that life is not all one thing.
We can sink into despair if we do not learn to accept all of life as meaningful, but instead only try to have ‘good’ experiences. It is better to see life as the complex thing it truly is, then take responsibility to use our freedom of choice to decide on things that work better for us where at all possible.
Are you ready to take responsibility for your life and choices?
If we truly want to move forward, we then have to courageously accept our life comes from our own choices – just as our future will be created more effectively by now making better ones.
Are you opposed to being seen as a ‘patient’ or to being given medication?
Existential psychotherapy is less likely to see you as being ‘dysfunctional’ or having an ‘illness’ than others forms of therapy. Instead it sees us all as living out our unique world view.
Thinking this sounds like you?
If the above resonates, why not try a session with an existential psychotherapist? Or an integrative therapist who blends in existential tools with their work with clients?
Remember, the worst thing that can happen is that you discover it’s not right for you then move on to an approach that is – and that’s better than remaining stuck in patterns and ways of thinking that leave you struggling to cope.
Do you have a question about working with an existential psychotherapist we haven’t answered? Post below.
What is the purpose of life from a psychology perspective?
Hi Peter, the idea would be that you decide that for yourself. Therapy is an inner journey, not something that tells you how to think or what to believe.
Thank you for your reply. However, I was just wondering what do we do if we can’t decide? Like I’m in my late 20’s (almost 30’s) and still drifting from job to job because I’ve never been able to find anything that interests me enough to stick with it. When I was a kid, some people knew exactly what they wanted to do when they grew up and others figured it out by the end of high school/early university years. Yet after all this time, I still don’t know what I want and despite trying lots of jobs I still haven’t found anything that I like enough to stick with, which is now holding me back vocationally and financially, which now means I can’t do the things other people my age are doing like get a house, have kids, etc. because I’m not financially stable enough to take on those responsibilities.
So what do we do if we can’t find a purpose for our life? Or possibly a better question, what else can I do to find my life purpose if all the normal things don’t work? I was hoping psychology might have had an answer for me but if what you’re saying is true, that the idea is we decide that for ourselves, then what should we do when despite our best efforts we can’t figure that out? Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.
Hi Peter, sounds like you want a quick answer. But you spent your entire life becoming the behaviours and ways of seeing and believing that you live from. There is no quick fix. You’d need to commit to getting to know yourself and accept yourself, and to look at these values you are trying to live out that might not even be your own. There is a lot of comparison and self judgement going on, for example, even when late twenties is very young and you’d be surprised how many people have no idea what they are doing in this age bracket. You have the answers, within, but you have to accept that it will take time and work. Find a therapist you think you can grow to trust and get stuck in doing the work. And read our article that busts open the myth we all need a ‘life purpose’ https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/finding-your-purpose-anxiety.htm
Thank you again for your response. You have given me a lot of things to think about. And well, I guess it’s not that I was looking for a quick answer, rather it was more that I was just wondering/hoping if maybe I had missed something simple. For example, if your TV remote control doesn’t work it might be because you’re pushing the wrong button or because a storm has fried all the electrical equipment in the neighborhood. So I was wondering if maybe I was just “pushing the wrong button” and by knowing what psychology’s perspective on the purpose of life was that maybe that would give me the answers I was missing. But based on what you’re saying, it sounds more like the all the electrical equipment has been fried and so this might take some time to fix.
Also, I do agree with you that perhaps I am being a bit self-judgemental, however when I step back and look at things I also think that I might have good reason to do so. For example, I know people who aren’t quite happy with what they’re doing but they at least know that they should of done B instead A, which is different from my situation where I hate A but have no idea what else I should do. Other people I’ve seen may not enjoy what they’re doing but they don’t hate it either, it’s manageable and they’re still okay doing it (kind of like the “it’s better than nothing” type of mindset). Yet others may not enjoy what they’re doing but they at least have a reason for doing it e.g. working a job they don’t like because it gives them the money to go party the weekend away or provide for their family or something else important. So in all these cases, even if they don’t know exactly what they would love to do or what their purpose(s) are, they have at least found something decent enough that’s manageable and/or have a reason to continue doing it if not.
Whereas in my case, I don’t have any of that. I’ve just drifted from job to job with gaps in between and I just felt like I was wasting my time at all of them because none of them felt right for me. As a result, even at almost 30 I’m still living rent-free with my (now frustrated) parents and have never moved out because I have never been able to find a job or career I could enjoy and stick with long enough to have the finances to move out of home. Despite spending multiple weeks and months here and there, I still can’t find anything I’d really enjoy. Unlike the other people I mentioned, the most frustrating thing for me is that even if I could do my adult years over again I still don’t really know what I should do differently or what I should have done instead. And because I’m really introverted, I’m not into the whole socializing, etc. either so I have no incentive to just work a job I hate for money to go party or do something outside of work. All I really enjoy doing is just going camping by myself and playing computer games so I can escape the boredom of life. So while I do agree with you that I might be judging myself a bit, I also know from looking around me that what I’m going through doesn’t quite seem “normal” either. At least most other people are actually at least living and working and doing something with their lives rather than just wasting it away like I seem to be doing.
The thing is I’m not lazy though, I just haven’t been able to find anything that inspires me enough to go do it and stick with it and more importantly, I’m not really sure how to find it either? You say I have the answers within me, but I’ve spent weeks and months here and there many times over the years just doing a lot of self-reflection and stuff like that and unfortunately I still don’t seem any closer to finding anything within me. Every time I just end up coming up blank and still have no idea what I should be doing with my life. It’s getting tiring to even try. If the answers really are within me, shouldn’t they have surfaced by now? So I guess I’m just a bit confused about where to go from here? Do you have any ideas what might be going on here so I have some idea of what might fix it or what I should do? Thanks again.
Hi Peter, there is a lot of cognitive distortion going on here http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. You are in black/white thinking where you think there is good/bad, right/wrong, your life is working/not working. Life and people are far more complicated than this. And you are making a lot of assumptions of what other people live through, and how together they are (we can almost guarantee not as much as you think, we all have our issues) and living life in a constant state of comparison. And as you say, you still live at home, so are probably working with a limited world to compare yourself with, the one you grew up with. For example, if you found yourself in a village in Africa, you might have a different perspective. An extreme example, but still. You are also confusing thinking with reflection (easy to do if we don’t know the difference). Thoughts are just endless loops and patterns and often far from truth (again, read the article at the link above on cognitive distortions). Reflection arises from having life experience that alters our perspective and assumptions, and from connecting with others who offer new perspective. Finally, one assumption you seem to be making is that you must only do things you ‘like’. But you don’t know what you like or who you are, so that is not going to work and seems a sort of sabotage. Lucky you you have that choice, as your parents are cushioning you. There is a good chance some of those people with the ‘good enough’ mentality or even who are very happy got there because they didn’t have that choice, a fall back plan, but had to get out and do things. What most people find is that getting out and doing things they are not sure they like actually leads to knowing what they like, and discovering things they hadn’t thought of. Just dismissing everything at hand as you don’t currently like it leads to passivity leads to doing very little leads to never coming across anything new. And very often taking some action, even the wrong action, leads us a lot further than taking no action at all. Finally, it’s very hard to know who we are if we don’t become independent. We remain trapped in the family dynamic and the role we have long played. If you were ready to try therapy, you might want to consider CBT therapy first. A short-term therapy that is focused on the present not the past, it helps you recognise and change distorted thinking and assumptions and helps you start to take action despite your thoughts. As what you are doing most of all here is constantly talking yourself out of taking action, or, if you do start, talking yourself out of sticking things out. This could be due to low self-esteem, mild depression, and most likely limiting core beliefs developed in childhood. Therapy would address all that too.Note that this is NOT a diagnosis. A comment left on a site is not a way for us to know anyone, and there could be many things we don’t know. Best to develop a trusting relationship with a therapist who can help you uncover the roots of your deep fears and uncertainties. Best, HT
Hello there, I dont really know if I’m in the right place or what I’m doing. this is the first time I’ve searched for.. well I dont know what. So I’ll just reel off the main points and I guess I’ll know by you response if I’m in the right place. So we are here (humans ) to pro create, we eat to beable to do so. So I guess a womens real main purpose for being in this earth is that to become a mum. I’ve never been maternal I’ve never dreamt of getting with some one having kids and never really felt the need to have children. At 18 I was in hospital for a week with a sexual disease, chlymeddia (sorry for spelling). Couple weeks later at the hospital for a check up and all i really remember is the doctor saying is if u want a hysterectomy you can have one. All i took from that appointment was i didnt like the way the DR was standing over me and his tone. So life happened partied alot worked got sacked partied got new job fell out with friends blah, blah I’ve always been seen as the funny, sarcastic one in groups but I never really considered myself as being a happy person, never really even thought , AM I HAPPY. Fast forward to today I live alone after splitting from partner of about 11 years. I work nights I go to work come home watch the soaps sleep eat sleep till work I dont socialise or even have friends , my mum tries to visit once a week, my sister comes with her sometimes. Then they go I clean ( have text conversations with a couple colleagues very reguarly), sleep, eat, go work repeat and all the time, , all i know is i dont want to die, infact it scares me. people that commit suicide are considered to me as AND excuse my french f*#ki@g brave. And yet I find I’m sitting here and thinking progressively more so about my own suicide, I have actually (unbelievably even to my self as I was writing it )pin pointed on my own suicide notes and what i would want to say to my loved ones).. even that’s not what I dont want to happen but it has to surely??
I’ve noticed that as I’m getting older that it’s the only choice because I cant have a child which at this point is all now every part of me yearns for. I dont discuss anything to do with my fertailty status with a single soul. But apart from being mentally traumatised by the thought of a spider anywhere near me is all I think about why I cant have a child, what they would look like, and that I’m sorry that theres a little baby out there I stopped coming into this world. I know it doesnt work that way but I’m hoping (u know what I mean). how I can never be happy with another partner as im so desperately un happy my self. how can I possibly be in relationship with another person. As I cant see me ever being ably to be truly happy without that little person that depends on me to help them I’m never gunna hear the word “mummy” im gonna be in a care home alone no ones going to visit me the theres no one than I will do everything i can for in there bestest interest , even over mine own wants needs desires, I will never know what pregnancy is! Besides I av no interest in sex , talking to people small talk nah cant be arsed
to or doing anything I go to work only cos I no what the alternative means homelessness my point is I dont see how I can be EVER happy ever I dont see any other way out cos I’m so un happy I know i cant Go on. For yard n years ike this forever I cant. and it scares the hell out of me and I dont know if this even makes sense what on writingim trying to get it down but i cant get it straight in my head to verse what’s wrong with me if it at least confuses , u at least I made an impression on you 🤣
I’m so tired of being just here just existing. but if you could give me some kind of direction/ advice pretty please it would be very muchly appreciated. I’m so sorry about all this.
Hi Micky. So what we sense is here is very deep sadness and loneliness. We think you have depression, that maybe you’ve been depressed for the greater part of your life, and that you probably experienced things as a child that your brain registered as traumatic that has left you in a permanently depressed state and with troubles connecting to others. In some ways this sort of mild, endless depression can be even worse than sudden, severe depression, where we can’t hide our symptoms and everyone pushes us to get help. With mild depression, we can cope enough to get by, we don’t really want to die, but bit by bit our life and sense of self erodes until we are like a zombie plodding through our days. What happens when we are in this ongoing state is our brain tends to obsess on one thing, almost as a way to avoid pain, so to speak, that is actually deeper, comes from more difficult things. For example, if we were in a car accident that really scared us, we don’t want to ever talk about or think about that accident. We wake up anxious, but we don’t connect that anxiety to the fact that we are still upset about the accident, we think it must be as the post man didn’t deliver the letter we were waiting for, that a man on the bus bothered us, etc, etc. As that is easier. So now your brain is holding onto not having a child as the ‘problem’. When the real problem is more complicated(note this is written by someone who also didn’t have children, before you say ‘we don’t understand’). We’d highly, highly suggest you gather up whatever motivation and courage you can and seek support. It’s very, very hard to shake this sort of long term depression alone. If you really aren’t ready to talk about your past and want a short term therapy that is just practical, CBT therapy helps you learn to recognise and change your negative thoughts before they lead to depression, and if you are in the UK you can get a round under the NHS, so we’d advice speaking to your GP. We also have an article here on how to find free to low cost counselling if the NHS is not an option http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. There are also lots of articles here on our site on depression, low self worth, all sorts, that might help, and this Youtuber also offers practical advice https://bit.ly/3r9HdGU. We hope that helps. Therapy would help you realise who you actually are beneath this life of sadness, what resources you have that you didn’t realise, and how to relate to others in ways that leave you feeling connected and good instead of endlessly ‘different’ and alone. By the way, we don’t have to be perfect or in a state of constant self love to date. But it helps if we are at least making an effort to take care of ourselves, so we don’t become hooked into unhealthy dependency on someone else for our happiness. Best, HT.