The Victim Mentality – What It Is and Why You Use It

It’s important to tell someone you feel they need help in the right way or they can move further away from you and other support. We’ve written a great article about letting a loved one know they might need help – read it here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/tell-friend-loved-one-need-counselling.htm

Glad to be of help!

Hi Janette, thanks for sharing this. The thing with relationships is that they are two ways, so you both need to want to work in the same direction. Without knowing you or your husband, or exactly the details of what has happened, we can’t say what direction that is. But if you have a lot of sadness and anger and feel lost, are developing anxiety, and feel unable to leave a situation that is making you unhappy, then it is definitely a good idea to seek support. Would you consider counselling?

Thanks for this. We do try to help! It sounds like you have real clarity on what you are dealing with which is good and means you are already on your way forward (even if if it doesn’t always feel like it, personal growth can so often feel circular!). Victim/hero can be a tough pattern, often coming from ways of relating learned as a child. For example, if your parents rewarded you for being ‘good/strong/quiet’ but you didn’t feel loved and accepted on days you were sad or upset, and of course if a parent was not well mentally/physically and as a child you were a caretaker. If you are finding it really hard to breakthrough, this issue is more than enough to seek counselling over, should you so desire. While progress can be made with self help books and research (Codependent No More is a classic and worth reading although you might have already), support makes the process way faster. We wish you courage!

Hi Mary, thanks for sharing. Unfortunately you can’t change the way someone thinks or feels, they have to decide they want to change. Really we can only accept people as they are and take it from there. And the only actions we can change our our own. So the focus has to be on you, not your sister, otherwise it’s energy wasted. So you can only look at how you act and respond around her, and go from there. And if truly is borderline traits that are sabotaging your relationship with your sister, it’s a good idea to seek professional help. Schema therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy are two great therapies for BPD. Hope that helps.

Hi Jan, if it’s for print, you can quote us and just attribute it to us. If your article is for online, we are generally okay with small amounts of our content being used as long as it is quoted and listed as from Harley Therapy, with a link back to the piece. Otherwise we do chase up people for duplicate content! Thanks, and good luck with writing your story.

First of all, it’s an opinion that some diagnosis makes someone unable to change, and not one we’d agree with. Second of all, it’s quite harsh that a partner is trying to diagnose you. Is he a psychiatrist? If not, how can he give a mental health diagnosis? Finally, if you were a covert narcissist, it’s unlikely you’d be googling trying to find help. We all have narcissist traits (traits being very different than narcissistic personality disorder) at times. It’s called being human. And if we have experienced trauma we can have these traits to protect our fear of being hurt again. As for saying you have the victim mentality, not at all. As what you are doing by recognising that is facing yourself and aiming to take back your power. What to do? Reach out for proper support. Sexual abuse leaves the best of us with misguided coping patterns that are simply too hard to break alone. A professional therapist will create a non judgemental space for you and they are not invested in your choices like your partner is, they only are invested in your improvement. Google for a therapist with experience with abuse survivors. If you are on a low budget, ask if they offer sliding scale. We wish you courage!

We are so glad to hear that this article was useful. That means a lot to us. When we read what you write, it sounds like there is a lot of intellectualising, like you have sorted it out in your head. But the thing about trauma is that it needs to be experienced, felt, not just understood intellectually. Otherwise we are left being really hard on ourselves, for understanding something but still not being able to be some perfect person we imagine we should be. Yes, you have choices now. But as children we don’t. And that child inside of us needs to have her misery, rage, and fear heard. You are not toxic. You are human and hurting from what we sense. We are not here to push therapy down anyone’s throat, but we just want to say that if you did have the courage to try, it does create a really safe container to let all those feelings out, without fear of being rejected or told you are toxic or annoying. A therapist understands that you are just hurting and processing and that you are actually a powerful, interesting person who just has some issues to work through. We wish you courage.

Hi, really sorry but that’s a huge question and is too big of a generality for us to answer via comment. It depends on the person, the type of therapist/therapy, etc. Are you a student? We advise students to do their own thorough research.

Hi P, our suggestion would be, continue the journey. Keep showing up and working with what sounds an excellent therapist, keep committing to being honest with her, keep up the other techniques that support you like EFT and journalling. Don’t see it as a ‘destination’ but a journey. The day never comes when we think ‘this is it! I am healed!’. We just get more and more comfortable being ourselves until we forget that was the original goal. All the best.

Hi Janet, if you are so unhappy, why are you staying in the relationship? And just to point out this bit here, ” Ive given up everything for this man. My home kids and work to move away with him and i cannot make him happy.” First of all, it’s a clear example of victim mentality. Second of all, we think you might want to read about codependency, which means we stay in miserable relationships and suffer as we take our sense of self by trying to help and change others. In summary, you can’t help or change him, he’s right. The only single person you can change is yourself. If you can’t seem to leave a very unhappy relationship, perhaps you yourself could benefit from therapy to look at where this belief that life and love should be endless suffering comes from. Good luck.

Hi Kimberly, first things first, give yourself some huge credit. It’s very powerful that you are committed to healing and not being a victim – many survivors of sexual abuse get trapped in victimhood for life as they refuse to be brave enough to see they are. Secondly, it’s amazing you have a marriage and family that is working, that is a good sign, often abuse means we are too disconnected to navigate healthy relationships, so that is great you have that stability. The first stage of facing sexual abuse can be heaps of shame. But we promise you that you are far from alone – stats are at 1 in 4, with reality probably higher – and that you did nothing wrong and there is no reason to feel ashamed, particularly with a therapist. That said, shame is powerful, and it takes time to work through it and it is normal to feel shame even if you tell yourself you needn’t. We would say to really look for someone who has worked with abuse or is even a survivor themselves. Note that some abuse survivors find therapy triggers their trauma response – this might not be you, as it doesn’t seem you are experiencing complex PTSD, but if so it is an idea to do a round of CBT first, a short term therapy that doesn’t dive into the past but focuses more on getting on top of negative thinking and stabilising yourself. And then start a longer form of therapy after. Note that as someone who has gone through abuse you will not like or instantly trust any therapist, because trust will be an issue, so give a therapist 4 sessions before deciding. The type of therapy can be less important than feeling comfortable, but if you prefer a warm supportive environment you might want to steer clear of traditional psychoanalysis. Many abuse survivors like therapies that focus on relating, which has a stronger client/therapist connection http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy but again, relating doesn’t seem your issue. So you might find that you enjoy a more general type of therapy to start, which focuses on helping your build inner resources, such as one of the therapies from the humanistic school of thought. As for the difference between psychotherapist and psychologist, it depends on what country you are in, but you can learn about the difference here in the UK here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-humanistic-approach.htm. Finally, healing from abuse is a journey. Don’t expect quick results, go easy on yourself, and take it one step at a time, even if sometimes it feels like you go backwards to go forwards. Best, HT

Hi Susie, we can’t tell anyone what they are or aren’t over a comment. People are far more complicated than that. And we can be one thing with some people, something else with others. You might be one way with friends, another way entirely with family. It’s best you took a few sessions with a counsellor who could get to know you, and could help you look at your disrupted family relationships. It is interesting though that you have posted a long list of all the difficult things that have befallen you in such detail. We are glad to hear you sought therapy over the abuse, good for you. Did you seek support for the grief that you mention still hits you? As 14 years is a long time to still be grieving, it might be what’s termed ‘complicated grief’. It’s generally recommended to seek support over grief if it’s gone on for more than six months, as it can have become either complicated grief or depression.

Hi Zoe, would we be correct in assuming your price point is low? First thing might be to raise your rate. People who truly want to invest in themselves are less likely to be victims. Second thing can be to make sure that you yourself are not being a victim in any place in your life and make sure your own boundaries are in place and your self-esteem is high. You might here people on the internet talking about ‘aligning your energy’ or what not, but psychological research would instead show that we all, without realising it, give off signals with body language and face movements and even tone of voice that let people know what we do and don’t put up with, and that tends to attract certain types of people again and again.

Hi Kayla, you can send a request to press@harleytherapy.co.uk. But we admittedly receive many such requests and tend to only work with established press outlets as many of our therapists don’t like to be distracted from their client work and we do have to compensate them for all their time including that spent doing press. Best, HT

Hi Jannie, it sounds like you feel a victim of this situation, which is interesting, isn’t it? Did you read the article? It is useful in and of itself and explains best way forwards at the bottom? Also read our adjoining article on how to tell you use the victim card https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/live-life-like-victim-12-ways-tell.htm.

Hi Bernadette, seems like this article has hit home. We’d just say that all these things can change, they are not set in stone. It starts with the recognition, and the commitment to making the change and taking the journey. We of course do advise counselling, as it helps so much with the victim mindset, which usually runs deep and goes back to childhood. But there are also great self help resources out there! Best, HT

Hi Patricia, what’s interesting here is that you are angry you have been put into the ‘bad’ chair, and yet you are using the exact same dichotomy yourself. You are making things into ‘right/wrong’ and ‘black/white’. You also are angry you were turned against when they are kids, and yet are now wanting them to turn against their father. Can you see how this might all be confusing to them? This sort of ‘me or him’ ‘I am right he is wrong’ energy closes down dialogue. We can’t control how others think or feel, particularly about the past. We can only show them who we are in the present. Wanting them to 100% just believe what you are telling them isn’t fair. It’s controlling, and not giving them agency over their own thoughts and feelings. Nobody likes being told what to think. What attracts people to your side, and makes them want to hear your side, is openness. Being ready to hear their side without taking it personally or getting offended or judging. Also note that angry energy, even if we think we are hiding it, is never well hidden. And if they sense all this anger that too might make them back off. To be honest, we think the place to start here is not with what they think, but with what you think and feel. We think it’s important and beautiful that this opportunity has come up for you, but that there are a lot of thoughts and feelings you need to work through, even with a counsellor if you have the courage, and that doing so would really help this relationship work. Cutting them out is an option, but it’s just going to mean you carry around this rage and sadness yet again. And we think you deserve better than that, don’t you? Best, HT.

Hi Sofia, first of all, wonderful self work. And it’s such a giant powerful step to be able to see how we were helping create the situation we could play victim in. So if we are hearing correctly, you are wondering how to stop needing perfection in relationships and what might help you move forward even more. The one thing we notice here quite clearly is that you are actually extremely hard on yourself. You put in tons of work, you are incredibly committed, and yet also hardly giving yourself credit for how far you’ve come, for example. So what we sense is that this expecting perfection comes from your own self criticism and incredibly high expectations of…. yourself. You see when we deep down never cut ourselves slack, we actually can’t cut others slack either. The ruler is set too high within. One of the most powerful things here can be the art of self-compassion http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. There is actually a form of therapy even focussed on it, compassion-focused therapy (CFT) http://bit.ly/compassionbased. We think really getting honest with yourself about your level of inner criticism, that secret voice telling you it’s never enough, releasing the pain over where we learned that habit, the root of the criticism, and applying some of the principals of CFT could help. We also suspect you’d be attracted by Gestalt therapy. It’s literally interactive drama play a lot of the time, it is not at all intellectualising things, but getting beneath the intellectualising. Another thing to look into is family constellating, ‘systemic constellations’, again it literally involves acting things out, and it’s extremely powerful stuff. Best, HT.

We understand you are in a phase of anger at the whole world because of a difficult childhood and are lashing out the shame you feel onto others. It’s entirely normal for survivors of abuse, and a phase most go through before stepping into their adult power and choosing to heal. We also understand it’s easy to lash out over the internet at people you don’t know, and that it feels good, providing some temporary relief for the rage you might feel. But it is advisable to read an article before commenting. The article clearly states, and we quote, “Bad things can happen in life. You might be the victim of a crime, such as fraud or even sexual assault. In such a case you have every right to feel that things were out of your control, because they were, and any thought that it’s somehow your fault and you are responsible is erroneous thinking.”. We would never, ever belittle anyone for childhood abuse. We are a therapy company who helps people. Please do seek support to deal with your feelings and your past, it really does help. Because note that not all choose the healing path. And those that don’t can then spend their entire lives trapped in anger and alienating those around them, feeling constantly lonely. We think you deserve better, don’t you? If you are on a low income, we have an article full of ideas for how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.

Hi J. So the victim mentality means we are not seeing our own personal power. It has nothing to do with asking for help, which takes courage and power to do, so is really the opposite of being a victim. You could think of the victim mentality as helplessness and non-victim as action. It can help to keep asking yourself, am I telling myself I am helpless in this situation? (victimhood). Or am I going to take a minute to remember, wait, I’m an adult with inner resources, and that I could probably deal with this somehow, even if that is just by asking someone else to help? (taking action/not a victim). There is no shame in falling into the victim mentality. Really we should expect we would naturally do so if we suffered a lot of trauma, our brain is basically programmed that way and we need time to reprogram it. So you need to cut yourself some slack here. Of course trauma also makes us extremely sensitive, and often we want to please others and feel terrible if we don’t. It sounds like this therapist didn’t recognise your sensitivity levels, perhaps as they are new to working with you, we’d doubt they meant to insult you but imagine they just misjudged. Did you let them you know you were upset? And that it felt judgemental to you? It’s important to be fully transparent with a therapist if therapy is to work, including admitting if something a therapist says upsets you. If the therapist is a good therapist, they’ll use this feedback as as starting point for some good work and not be at all offended (if they are, then maybe they aren’t the right therapist). It can be hard to find a ‘click’ with a therapist, it can take 4 or so sessions to know if it will work, so it if was only a first or second session, you might need to give it a few more tries before deciding if this is the right therapist for you. Also note not all therapies are beneficial for trauma navigation, you might want to read our article on therapies for trauma here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Finally, if there was any victim mentality going on here, it would be in the idea that you are not worth getting help. But this sort of self-defeating thinking is again a normal part of surviving trauma, so again, just be kind to yourself, note the helplessness, remind yourself that you are a powerful person who is so resourceful they have sought therapy, and keep going on your healing journey. Best, HT.

Hi John. First of all give yourself some credit. You sound really self-aware, and you’ve made the big step of going to therapy. Self-compassion would help, we have an article on it you can find with the search bar. Also note that we took a lifetime to create all our issues, we are not going to then fix them in a few short months, the healing process is a journey. What matters is to be on it, which you are. So we can’t tell someone we don’t know over a comment what their life is or isn’t or how to change things, this is best done with the therapist you are working with. Have you told them all this, your frustrations, etc? As clearly as outlined here? Talking about the therapy process in therapy is actually very helpful. And it works best when you can be as transparent as possible. All we could really say is that sometimes we need to accept what we are getting out of things in order to let go of them. What are we getting out of being a victim? Out of beating ourselves up? We can be addicted to beating ourselves up, and certainly being a victim and knowing that allows us to constantly put ourselves down. And victimhood can offer all sorts of benefits that can be hard to give up. An identity, a way to get attention, a particular role we can play for others, etc, etc. Also, feeling bad can be a comfort zone. It can feel safer than feeling good or loved as we know how feeling bad works. Especially if the truth is we have never felt good or loved and aren’t even sure what we are signing up for. Also note that the way you talk about your relationship as if it’s all on you, that’s a red flag for us. As is the fact that you seem to idealise her. Is your wife also doing work on herself? As relationships are 50/50. Not possible for it to all be on one person.She wouldn’t have been attracted to someone living in the victim mentality if she didn’t have matching issues to work on. Is she also in therapy? Finally, we don’t know what type of therapy you are doing. If you have trauma in your past, and are in a therapy where all you do it talk about the past, that doesn’t always work but can keep you triggered `and you would benefit from a stabilising therapy first read more here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Best, HT.