The Victim Mentality – What It Is and Why You Use It
By: Walter Watzpatzkowski
by Andrea Blundell
Had a tough life? And sometimes feel like you can’t get ahead, no matter how hard you try? Because the world is just too terrible and dangerous? You might be trapped in the victim mentality.
What is a ‘Victim Mentality’?
When we have a victim mentality, we see the world through a lens of good versus bad. We are the innocent person, and the bad things are outside of ourselves.
And, most importantly, we believe we are powerless to do anything in the face of all this ‘badness’. That life happens TO us, rather than the idea that we are choosing and creating it in any way.
This means you blame your challenges in life on others around you, even if you can’t prove their negative actions. You might also blame many things on circumstances, which you see as always unfair.
Being a Victim vs Self Pity vs Victim Mentality
Bad things can certainly happen in life. You might experience a crime, such as fraud, or even sexual assault. Or live through childhood trauma. You are a victim.
In such a case you have every right to feel that things were out of your control, because they were. Any thought that it’s somehow your fault and you are responsible is obviously erroneous thinking.
It’s also perfectly normal to feel sorry for yourself every once in a while. Or feel powerless in the face of a challenge like a bereavement or divorce. This is self-pity.
A victim mentality, on the other hand, means you identify with your status of a victim and become reliant on pity. The trauma didn’t just happen to you, it becomes who you are.
You don’t move on from the trauma but you hold onto it, making it part of your story that you tell again and again. And you become stuck in this mindset.
A victim versus a healthy person
At its heart, victim mentality is a misunderstood coping mechanism. Often it is from childhood trauma.
And as a child we really were helpless. Feeling sorry for ourselves was our only way to self soothe. But here we are, powerful adults. We can make different choices, we can walk away from things, and we are deciding, in many cases, the life and relationships we are living out.
A healthy person sees that they are choosing what is happening to them and sees their power to take charge. They chose to be in a relationship with someone critical. They chose a bad job. And they can choose to quit the relationship or the job.
But the victim mentality blinds us to this. We still play that helpless child. We are paralysed, unable to take responsibility and make decisions that would move us forward. Deep down we might even believe we deserve to suffer, or that the only way to get attention and love is if others feel sorry for us.
Why would I choose to always be a victim?
By: super awesome
Constantly acting a victim can actually have a lot of perks. These can look like the following:
- you don’t have take responsibility for things
- you have the ‘right’ to complain and receive attention
- others feel sorry for you and give you attention
- people are less likely to criticise or upset you
- others feel compelled to help you and do what you ask for
- you can tell stories about the things that happened to you and seem interesting
- there is no time to be bored because there is so much drama in your life
- you can avoid ever feeling anger as you are too busy being sad and upset.
The Secret Power Behind Being a Victim
Despite the learned helplessness, victimhood does mean a certain type of power. And that is through attention and sympathy.
Having others feel sorry for you is an unconscious way to manipulate them into meeting your needs and wants. This can be something small, like someone always going to the shops for you. Or can be deeper and more insidious. Your ‘poor me’ act can be used so another is forced to treat you nicely and never yell at you, even if you aren’t being fair. Or keep them so guilty they are unable to walk away from you even if they want to.
Codependency and victimhood
An example of victimhood as a form of power is a codependent relationship, such as the one between an alcoholic and their partner. The ‘caregiver’ can play a victim, putting up with the alcoholic’s terrible behaviour and sacrificing their own needs to care for them. But then they can also use guilt, complaints, and ‘poor me’ tirades to then attempt to control the alcoholic.
By: Jeremy Tenenbaum
Why am I the sort of person who plays the victim?
You could have learned to play victim because you watched the adults around you doing so. It your mother or father, for example, always felt the world was out to get them? And complained daily about all the people who wronged them? You would take on board this was the way to gain personal power and attention.
It’s possible you had a codependent relationship with one of your parents and felt responsible for their wellbeing. This could have been taking care of a sick (mentally or physically) parent. Or being led to believe you are in charge of their happiness.
Or, you might have learned to be a victim because it was a way to survive your childhood. As a child, we all require attention and love. If it’s not offered freely by our caregivers, we are left to find ways to receive it. Perhaps, in your family home, the only way to receive attention and care was to be sick, or to act weak, or to allow bad things to happen to you.
But again, many people who live life from a victim mentality were sufferers of abuse as a childhood. This is often sexual abuse. The helplessness a child feels, combined with the deep shame abuse causes, can mean you grow into an adult who has no self-esteem and who sees the world as a dangerous place they are lost in.
What should I do if I recognise that I suffer from victimisation?
On a good note, because a victim mentality is a learned behaviour, you can indeed ‘unlearn’ it.
It is, however, a process which takes time and can be quite intense, especially if it is connected to childhood trauma like abuse or neglect.
And dealing with victimisation means you must then face the anger, sadness, shame and fear that playing the victim protects and hides you from.
It is therefore recommended to seek support when dealing with facing your victim mentality. A trained and experienced counsellor or psychotherapist can create a safe, non-judgemental space for you to explore why you act a victim. CBT therapy, for example, can help you challenge your perspective on yourself, others, and the world, and find new ways of seeing and behaving.
Do you have a question about victim mentality? Ask below, we love hearing from you.
Andrea Blundell is the lead writer of this site. With training in coaching and person centred therapy, she worked through the victim mentality herself, and knows it’s a game changer.
Im concerned for my son. How can i get the right help for him.
It’s important to tell someone you feel they need help in the right way or they can move further away from you and other support. We’ve written a great article about letting a loved one know they might need help – read it here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/tell-friend-loved-one-need-counselling.htm
Omg. I had no idea what I was doing. Yes, I’ve had unfortunate things happen to me but I realize bad choices and just plain lack of knowledge! Thanks soo much. This the nicest way I’ve encountered of setting a victim straight!
Glad to be of help!
janette
I’m in a relationship with a sex addict. He says the things he did aren’t so bad they could of been worse. He minimizes what he did. He says my grief and anger are wrong. I’m not allowed to talk about how I feel and work through my emotions. He uses gas lighting techniques to control situations. And make it seem like I am unstable. I think I have gotten stuck in a victim mentality. And can’t seem to figure out how to have a voice and explain what has happened to me without coming across as a victim. I have been victimized. I want that to be validated by my husband. Which he refuses to do. Or is just simply unable to do. I spent 5 weeks away from him. Now I’m back. And had my old feelings of being controlled and having to do everything according to his timing his way. I’m supper anxious. How do I deal with this in an emotionally healthy way.
Hi Janette, thanks for sharing this. The thing with relationships is that they are two ways, so you both need to want to work in the same direction. Without knowing you or your husband, or exactly the details of what has happened, we can’t say what direction that is. But if you have a lot of sadness and anger and feel lost, are developing anxiety, and feel unable to leave a situation that is making you unhappy, then it is definitely a good idea to seek support. Would you consider counselling?
I just wanted to say that it’s nice that you guys take what other people judge and rather than judging, you guys try to help people get out of the unhealthy thinking pattern instead. Unfortunately for me, the victim mentality or being a hero are seemingly the only two ways I really know how to get close to people and make friends, but it’s definitely something I’m working on
Thanks for this. We do try to help! It sounds like you have real clarity on what you are dealing with which is good and means you are already on your way forward (even if if it doesn’t always feel like it, personal growth can so often feel circular!). Victim/hero can be a tough pattern, often coming from ways of relating learned as a child. For example, if your parents rewarded you for being ‘good/strong/quiet’ but you didn’t feel loved and accepted on days you were sad or upset, and of course if a parent was not well mentally/physically and as a child you were a caretaker. If you are finding it really hard to breakthrough, this issue is more than enough to seek counselling over, should you so desire. While progress can be made with self help books and research (Codependent No More is a classic and worth reading although you might have already), support makes the process way faster. We wish you courage!
My husband suffers from victim mentality and it’s draining me so much that the thoughts of leaving him flow through my mind almost daily. We have a child together so I rather try to fix the situation before I choose to leave but he refuses counseling and ignores me when I try to help. My concerns are that our daughter will develop this mentality or that he may snap one day and hurt someone. Can you make any suggestions??
I think the victim mentality fits my younger sister. I’m borderline. How can I help her realize she is walling herself up inside a victim mindset and not come across like I am picking on her? She is raw. She cannot afford counseling. If I bought her a book to work through she would turn her back on me for months, even years. I would be the monster and this will make me feel rejected.
Unfortunately we can’t make someone go to therapy or change. The only person we have power over is ourselves. This can feel really hard when a child is involved and our dream of a happy family unit is feeling a nightmare. But what would happen if you took the focus off of all that is wrong with your husband and put your focus and energy on you? What is there to find there? What has led you be in this relationship in the first place, for example? What is keeping you there, beyond having a child? There feels to be a lot more going on here, and it’s to do with you, not your husband. Hope that helps.
Hi Mary, thanks for sharing. Unfortunately you can’t change the way someone thinks or feels, they have to decide they want to change. Really we can only accept people as they are and take it from there. And the only actions we can change our our own. So the focus has to be on you, not your sister, otherwise it’s energy wasted. So you can only look at how you act and respond around her, and go from there. And if truly is borderline traits that are sabotaging your relationship with your sister, it’s a good idea to seek professional help. Schema therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy are two great therapies for BPD. Hope that helps.
Hello,
I am writing my own story about my cancer journey and what I’ve learned along the way. I would love to use your definition of a victim (specifically the first paragraph in italics on this website) in my chapter on the types of patients. Would you consider this request?
Thanks for the consideration. Jan
Hi Jan, if it’s for print, you can quote us and just attribute it to us. If your article is for online, we are generally okay with small amounts of our content being used as long as it is quoted and listed as from Harley Therapy, with a link back to the piece. Otherwise we do chase up people for duplicate content! Thanks, and good luck with writing your story.
I want to say I suffer from having a victim mentality. But in saying that does that make me looking more like a victim? I’ve gone to a lot of emotional mental and physical abuse as a child but the year the sexual abuse I feel is haunting me. I want to change and so many ways but I don’t know how. I’ve been in a relationship that in a couple days we will have been together for a year. It’s been a rough year he stuck by me and stuck through things with me that most would have ran for the hills for. I appreciate his insight but at the same time I despise it. He believes I could b a overt narcissist. A lot of Articles I’ve read about this topic says that narcissist can’t change. Particularly this kind of narcissist. If they can’t recognize it or take accountability. I have a lot of Errors of thinking in my mind and I really want to change what do I do?
First of all, it’s an opinion that some diagnosis makes someone unable to change, and not one we’d agree with. Second of all, it’s quite harsh that a partner is trying to diagnose you. Is he a psychiatrist? If not, how can he give a mental health diagnosis? Finally, if you were a covert narcissist, it’s unlikely you’d be googling trying to find help. We all have narcissist traits (traits being very different than narcissistic personality disorder) at times. It’s called being human. And if we have experienced trauma we can have these traits to protect our fear of being hurt again. As for saying you have the victim mentality, not at all. As what you are doing by recognising that is facing yourself and aiming to take back your power. What to do? Reach out for proper support. Sexual abuse leaves the best of us with misguided coping patterns that are simply too hard to break alone. A professional therapist will create a non judgemental space for you and they are not invested in your choices like your partner is, they only are invested in your improvement. Google for a therapist with experience with abuse survivors. If you are on a low budget, ask if they offer sliding scale. We wish you courage!
I still have no idea whether I have a victim mentality. My childhood was tough. I was regularly beaten and called names. I was constantly told my life was worthless. So I grew up, never learned to trust anybody. I never had any relationship. I developed crushes and was regularly heartbroken when my crushes fell for others. So, I blame my parents. I constantly suspected even my best friends and lost one friend after another. So, I blame my parents. I developed a habit of confessing some friends about my problems. They left, one after another. So, I blame my parents. Is that a victim mentality? I think yes.
But whatever happened, happened. I am a survivor, not a victim. I have a choice. I have a choice to tell my crushes how I feel about them. I have a choice to keep my unfounded suspensions to myself. I have a choice not to rant and annoy my friends with my endless problems. I always have a choice.
So far, it’s the best article I have read. Other articles show no compassion and try to blame the people with victim mentality, labeling them as “toxic” or whatever. Nobody does so deliberately. A little compassion goes a long way.
We are so glad to hear that this article was useful. That means a lot to us. When we read what you write, it sounds like there is a lot of intellectualising, like you have sorted it out in your head. But the thing about trauma is that it needs to be experienced, felt, not just understood intellectually. Otherwise we are left being really hard on ourselves, for understanding something but still not being able to be some perfect person we imagine we should be. Yes, you have choices now. But as children we don’t. And that child inside of us needs to have her misery, rage, and fear heard. You are not toxic. You are human and hurting from what we sense. We are not here to push therapy down anyone’s throat, but we just want to say that if you did have the courage to try, it does create a really safe container to let all those feelings out, without fear of being rejected or told you are toxic or annoying. A therapist understands that you are just hurting and processing and that you are actually a powerful, interesting person who just has some issues to work through. We wish you courage.
Could you tell me how to counsel a person with victim mindset?
Hi, really sorry but that’s a huge question and is too big of a generality for us to answer via comment. It depends on the person, the type of therapist/therapy, etc. Are you a student? We advise students to do their own thorough research.
I just read this article…3 years after it was written. In a recent session with my counselor, she told me she will help me get out of the victim mentality. It is good that we have a trusting relationship… Her “tough love” approach could very well be what I need.
I’m an ACoA admittedly codependent, who hit bottom about 10 years ago after a narcissistic injury, getting fired from a job and the loss of friendships with anyone mutually associated w/ the narc. I recently over stepped my mother-in-law/grandmother boundaries, when my DIL triggered me. I’ve stepped back, swallowed my pride and apologized. Seeing my grandsons grow up is more important than anything else. And at 67 yo, it is time to just enjoy life (be happy). I’ve started EFT tapping and I know I need to journal. What is your suggestion for healing my developmental trauma lack of self esteem etc. etc. ?
Hi P, our suggestion would be, continue the journey. Keep showing up and working with what sounds an excellent therapist, keep committing to being honest with her, keep up the other techniques that support you like EFT and journalling. Don’t see it as a ‘destination’ but a journey. The day never comes when we think ‘this is it! I am healed!’. We just get more and more comfortable being ourselves until we forget that was the original goal. All the best.
HI my partner of two years is always the victim when he tells his stories of childhood right through to adulthood. He says he cannot work for anyone, he cannot take orders from people who are not as intelligent as him, so he doesnt work. He has double standards what hes allowed to do i cannot do. He dont remember the awful things he says to me, but when i counter him and argue back …hes the victim in the things i say to him that hurts him never recongnising the things he says to me. Hes nice one minute and wakes up in a mood and wants to argue. Ive given up everything for this man. My home kids and work to move away with him and i cannot make him happy. He tells me he will never change. But i dont want to change him i just want him to stop telling stories about how hard done by he is. He has gone to the doctors for help…. they refered him to counselling cognatitive theaphy, he didnt go because he wanted the help there and then and couldnt wait 3 months for the appointment.
I made him go back to doctors again ..they gave him tablets to take… he refused to take them also…excuse after excuse. he believes the problem are me stressing him out and im not understanding him. I have had enough he is wearing me down, and i am no longer happy.
were can i get him theaphy at low cost as money is the Key.
Hi Janet, if you are so unhappy, why are you staying in the relationship? And just to point out this bit here, ” Ive given up everything for this man. My home kids and work to move away with him and i cannot make him happy.” First of all, it’s a clear example of victim mentality. Second of all, we think you might want to read about codependency, which means we stay in miserable relationships and suffer as we take our sense of self by trying to help and change others. In summary, you can’t help or change him, he’s right. The only single person you can change is yourself. If you can’t seem to leave a very unhappy relationship, perhaps you yourself could benefit from therapy to look at where this belief that life and love should be endless suffering comes from. Good luck.
Hello- Thank you very much for your positive information, reading your article I had a lot of ah-ha moments, and unfortunately I seem to fit into the definition of having a victim mentality. Learning to heal and develop better coping mechanism is a lot for me right now but I defiantly don’t want to become someone who is always see’s themselves as the victim. I am an Adult Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse, when I was 2-3 the weekly molestation began, and continued on until I was almost 13. Usually twice a week for over 10 years. Even though it sounds strange, I knew I was always molested in childhood but somehow was able to lock it away in my head… until about 2 years ago… happily married with 5 children (only 2 still at home) I had my first flashback. It was a silent black and white movie playing in my head, which made me physically ill. It’s been along two years…. and I know I have so much more to go. My question is…I have a hard time finding counseling… I’m not sure if I should see a therapist or a physiologist…. I honestly don’t know the difference between them. I’ve been to two therapists (both did not specialize in childhood sexual abuse) and haven’t found one that I am comfortable with. The thought of having to tell my “life history” to another person has made me not want to even try. I am currently using workbook, and researching and reading as much as I can learn through the internet. I feel like I have taken a few steps forward in healing, but as an adult I have developed habits to numb feelings, and push myself to be a perfectionist and people pleaser. I realize I can’t heal myself and need additional help…. what kind of counselor should I look for? Seems like I need a broad spectrum specialist, for all the manifestations I seemed to have. Any help is appreciated…. thank you again for your article and positive words.
Hi Kimberly, first things first, give yourself some huge credit. It’s very powerful that you are committed to healing and not being a victim – many survivors of sexual abuse get trapped in victimhood for life as they refuse to be brave enough to see they are. Secondly, it’s amazing you have a marriage and family that is working, that is a good sign, often abuse means we are too disconnected to navigate healthy relationships, so that is great you have that stability. The first stage of facing sexual abuse can be heaps of shame. But we promise you that you are far from alone – stats are at 1 in 4, with reality probably higher – and that you did nothing wrong and there is no reason to feel ashamed, particularly with a therapist. That said, shame is powerful, and it takes time to work through it and it is normal to feel shame even if you tell yourself you needn’t. We would say to really look for someone who has worked with abuse or is even a survivor themselves. Note that some abuse survivors find therapy triggers their trauma response – this might not be you, as it doesn’t seem you are experiencing complex PTSD, but if so it is an idea to do a round of CBT first, a short term therapy that doesn’t dive into the past but focuses more on getting on top of negative thinking and stabilising yourself. And then start a longer form of therapy after. Note that as someone who has gone through abuse you will not like or instantly trust any therapist, because trust will be an issue, so give a therapist 4 sessions before deciding. The type of therapy can be less important than feeling comfortable, but if you prefer a warm supportive environment you might want to steer clear of traditional psychoanalysis. Many abuse survivors like therapies that focus on relating, which has a stronger client/therapist connection http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy but again, relating doesn’t seem your issue. So you might find that you enjoy a more general type of therapy to start, which focuses on helping your build inner resources, such as one of the therapies from the humanistic school of thought. As for the difference between psychotherapist and psychologist, it depends on what country you are in, but you can learn about the difference here in the UK here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-humanistic-approach.htm. Finally, healing from abuse is a journey. Don’t expect quick results, go easy on yourself, and take it one step at a time, even if sometimes it feels like you go backwards to go forwards. Best, HT
My daughter says I play the victim and sent me this article as a resource. I lost a beloved husband 14 years ago. Over 4 years my son completely abandoned me, and my relationship with my daughter is bad. she has a lot of resentment. Won’t say exactly why. She doesn’t call, invite me up, or spend time with me on holidays. I initiate all the visits. I walk on eggshells fearing further abandonment. My child hood was very good, stable loving parents. I was molested by my uncle twice at age 11 and had therapy that really helped. My friends see me as upbeat, strong and resilient. My daughter, usually at the worst possible time when Grief comes back strong, accused me of being needy and a victim. She has always been focused on herself and is a super achiever. She’s a perfectionist. Plays a heroic role in her community – always compassionate and loving to all. I think I’m beginning to really dislike her. I’ve had a terrible fight with her. So discouraging. Thankfully, I have a fantastic adopted family and they are really central to my life, loving me easily and unconditionally. I live in a different town than my daughter. Do you think I’m a victim?
Hi Susie, we can’t tell anyone what they are or aren’t over a comment. People are far more complicated than that. And we can be one thing with some people, something else with others. You might be one way with friends, another way entirely with family. It’s best you took a few sessions with a counsellor who could get to know you, and could help you look at your disrupted family relationships. It is interesting though that you have posted a long list of all the difficult things that have befallen you in such detail. We are glad to hear you sought therapy over the abuse, good for you. Did you seek support for the grief that you mention still hits you? As 14 years is a long time to still be grieving, it might be what’s termed ‘complicated grief’. It’s generally recommended to seek support over grief if it’s gone on for more than six months, as it can have become either complicated grief or depression.
I’m a massage therapist/holistic therapist. I find the majority of people who seek me out seem to have victim mentality and don’t want to change. During the consultation where I ask basic health questions to ensure it’s safe for massage etc, I’ve found they actually want me to provide a free counselling session where they offload ALL their life story on to me, even if it’s not at all relevant to the appointment/service they have booked or the question I am asking. When I try to guide their thoughts back to the relevance of why they are here and the question I asked they try to take it back to offloading on me. When I stop them from doing this by explaining that I can not counsel them and remind them that they are here for massage/Reiki etc which can begin to help with their wellbeing, but to speak to their GP or that I can direct them to a service which can provide counselling after the session, they look stunned, aggrieved and don’t come back! I find being confronted with these people very draining and frustrating, they actually don’t want to adopt better self care or change their mindset, when I talk to them about the benefits of massage etc, they are disinterested! They just want to offload on someone and that’s not what I offer and state I don’t offer counselling on my website etc, so they know this from the offset but it doesn’t stop them from trying! I seem to have one of those personalities that attract people offloading their whole life story and problems on to me within the first minute of setting eyes on me. It happens all the time, at bus stops, in shops etc, but at least I can make my excuses and leave in those scenarios. During work when it happens, I do say, I have limited time and will need to speed up this consultation process, which again these people don’t like and feel aggrieved by! How is the best way to deal with such people within my work and why do they book a massage when it’s very obvious they want a counselling session!?
Hi Zoe, would we be correct in assuming your price point is low? First thing might be to raise your rate. People who truly want to invest in themselves are less likely to be victims. Second thing can be to make sure that you yourself are not being a victim in any place in your life and make sure your own boundaries are in place and your self-esteem is high. You might here people on the internet talking about ‘aligning your energy’ or what not, but psychological research would instead show that we all, without realising it, give off signals with body language and face movements and even tone of voice that let people know what we do and don’t put up with, and that tends to attract certain types of people again and again.
I’m starting a podcast about toxicity in our society today, and my first episode is on the victim mentality and I would love to have a professional come on my show and be interviewed by me and discuss this topic further. Is this at all possible?
Hi Kayla, you can send a request to press@harleytherapy.co.uk. But we admittedly receive many such requests and tend to only work with established press outlets as many of our therapists don’t like to be distracted from their client work and we do have to compensate them for all their time including that spent doing press. Best, HT
I was told several times by a leader at church that I have a victim mentality but never did he elaborate or tell me how to overcome. I never knew what he meant and I wondered about it occasionally for approx 15 years now. I felt shame and guilt about having this and anger at not knowing how to fix it. Please advise. Thank you!!! Jannie
Hi Jannie, it sounds like you feel a victim of this situation, which is interesting, isn’t it? Did you read the article? It is useful in and of itself and explains best way forwards at the bottom? Also read our adjoining article on how to tell you use the victim card https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/live-life-like-victim-12-ways-tell.htm.
Yes, I can see I have lived my life with a victim mentality. The heading” Why do I live like a victim” I could relate to all 4 sub headings…
Relationships with men to date have been filled with drama, high anxiety and feeling overwhelmed by another’s needs. Realise that I am constantly searching for someone to rescue/ take care of me… which leads me to feel shame and guilt for not being an adult.
Hi Bernadette, seems like this article has hit home. We’d just say that all these things can change, they are not set in stone. It starts with the recognition, and the commitment to making the change and taking the journey. We of course do advise counselling, as it helps so much with the victim mindset, which usually runs deep and goes back to childhood. But there are also great self help resources out there! Best, HT
My kids have been told outrageous stories about me and their father from his family. They eventually ended up going to live with them and we were denied any contact. Now they’re older and recently got into contact with us but their heads are full of these lies and for some reason don’t remember what life was really like with us before his family decided to interfere. They refuse to believe anything we say to them when we try to jog their memories and tell their friends and significant others about how bad their childhood was and how terrible parents we were. They choose to believe and live this false traumatic past rather than accept the loving family that has been here waiting for them all this time. It’s like they’re trying to punish us. When we’ve explained many times we have been punished for for something that didn’t even happen. For years. More than they could ever imagine. I finally decided I can’t go through this again. I just got to a place of peace and was moving on when they came back around. And it feels like I’m fighting for them all over again. Trying to prove everything all over again. I can’t do that or go through that again. So I’m just leaving them believe what they so very desperately want to believe and moving on, again.
Hi Patricia, what’s interesting here is that you are angry you have been put into the ‘bad’ chair, and yet you are using the exact same dichotomy yourself. You are making things into ‘right/wrong’ and ‘black/white’. You also are angry you were turned against when they are kids, and yet are now wanting them to turn against their father. Can you see how this might all be confusing to them? This sort of ‘me or him’ ‘I am right he is wrong’ energy closes down dialogue. We can’t control how others think or feel, particularly about the past. We can only show them who we are in the present. Wanting them to 100% just believe what you are telling them isn’t fair. It’s controlling, and not giving them agency over their own thoughts and feelings. Nobody likes being told what to think. What attracts people to your side, and makes them want to hear your side, is openness. Being ready to hear their side without taking it personally or getting offended or judging. Also note that angry energy, even if we think we are hiding it, is never well hidden. And if they sense all this anger that too might make them back off. To be honest, we think the place to start here is not with what they think, but with what you think and feel. We think it’s important and beautiful that this opportunity has come up for you, but that there are a lot of thoughts and feelings you need to work through, even with a counsellor if you have the courage, and that doing so would really help this relationship work. Cutting them out is an option, but it’s just going to mean you carry around this rage and sadness yet again. And we think you deserve better than that, don’t you? Best, HT.
Hello. I am very inspired by your clarity. I am outgrowing many behaviors, one of them victim mentality as you graphically describe it. I chose a husband and rather than divorce I put him down in a way that I was the victim… maybe he had mild Aspergers or was simply very introverted… and I felt trapped and broken that this was my mate and my fate. We suffered and struggled for 20 years, and with 2 gorgeous kids. We are seperated 3 years after an unnacceptable outburst by him that was a trend of pent up pains that he suppressed “inflicted” by my utter exasperation with who he is and how he functioned. we both came with baggage… Both victims and abusers in a convuluted way… I didnt love him and stayed for multidues of unhealthy reasons,,, mostly fear…we tried hard…and my kids sstill suffered the
abuse of Tension and unhappiness…that is enough… one doesnt need to have traumatic experiences.,, lack of genuine love and frustration and tension is enough to cause damage.
i now suffer a different dance. When I am happy, centered and thriving,, my kids are with me,,,, I feel guilty and sorry for my husband. when my kids arent with me,,i suffer from feeling lost, lonely and guilty.. all repetitive, all historic…. all outgrowing…….
i have many friends,,,, too many mothers, need abnormal amount of connection ,,,, which i recieve. I express and emote and connect to people authentically. In inimate relationships I seem to have been unable to accept imperfection and have been perpetually unhappy ( with myself) and have chosen men and couldn’t commit and build a life together….Since high school i do healing work: cranial work and emotional release, tai chi classes and am grateful since I am young i have been helping people. I used to feel the contradiciton of my emotional life with my professional life more painfully. now at an older age,.I see it is all a healing…. of myself and others.
I am emerging healthier.. it is a lifetime struggle to be a person… a healthy emotional person
I would love to have compassion for my husband, with lack of guilt. Allowing to be in my power and praying for his and others healing
i dream of having a real and healthy relationship.
I work on being “un codependent with my kids”, my X, friends. Trying not to manipule life so it goes my way… which it doesnt….I try to be a simple a person connected to myself and trying not make deisions based on others needs and reactions. I pray my kids are emotionally healthy….I work so hard to free them of my nuerotic stuff so they can be free living healthy boys.. is crazy hard.I do breathwork no among a multitude of healtings. ,,amaaing work.
questions: I need interactive drama to play our scenarios I learn best by real role models and experienceing the feeling of what Healthy feels like… intellectual stuff isn’t hard for me it doesnt usually translate to real life and real emotions and life stories.
any suggestions,,, any referrals….
I keep going, growing learning and healing,… the journey is sometimes devastating and sometimes joyous…
Searching for the next step.
Thanks for listening..with gratitude- Sofia
Hi Sofia, first of all, wonderful self work. And it’s such a giant powerful step to be able to see how we were helping create the situation we could play victim in. So if we are hearing correctly, you are wondering how to stop needing perfection in relationships and what might help you move forward even more. The one thing we notice here quite clearly is that you are actually extremely hard on yourself. You put in tons of work, you are incredibly committed, and yet also hardly giving yourself credit for how far you’ve come, for example. So what we sense is that this expecting perfection comes from your own self criticism and incredibly high expectations of…. yourself. You see when we deep down never cut ourselves slack, we actually can’t cut others slack either. The ruler is set too high within. One of the most powerful things here can be the art of self-compassion http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. There is actually a form of therapy even focussed on it, compassion-focused therapy (CFT) http://bit.ly/compassionbased. We think really getting honest with yourself about your level of inner criticism, that secret voice telling you it’s never enough, releasing the pain over where we learned that habit, the root of the criticism, and applying some of the principals of CFT could help. We also suspect you’d be attracted by Gestalt therapy. It’s literally interactive drama play a lot of the time, it is not at all intellectualising things, but getting beneath the intellectualising. Another thing to look into is family constellating, ‘systemic constellations’, again it literally involves acting things out, and it’s extremely powerful stuff. Best, HT.
Children aren’t PLAYING victim when they are violated.
How could you say such things to people who have been told over and over that their suffering isn’t real, or that it’s their own fault? Childhood abuse causes brain damage that can last a lifetime. This is minimizing, dismissing and gaslighting to people who have already had entire family systems shame them and protect their abusers.
Shame on you.
We understand you are in a phase of anger at the whole world because of a difficult childhood and are lashing out the shame you feel onto others. It’s entirely normal for survivors of abuse, and a phase most go through before stepping into their adult power and choosing to heal. We also understand it’s easy to lash out over the internet at people you don’t know, and that it feels good, providing some temporary relief for the rage you might feel. But it is advisable to read an article before commenting. The article clearly states, and we quote, “Bad things can happen in life. You might be the victim of a crime, such as fraud or even sexual assault. In such a case you have every right to feel that things were out of your control, because they were, and any thought that it’s somehow your fault and you are responsible is erroneous thinking.”. We would never, ever belittle anyone for childhood abuse. We are a therapy company who helps people. Please do seek support to deal with your feelings and your past, it really does help. Because note that not all choose the healing path. And those that don’t can then spend their entire lives trapped in anger and alienating those around them, feeling constantly lonely. We think you deserve better, don’t you? If you are on a low income, we have an article full of ideas for how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.
I have had a lot of trauma in my life, and have dealt with depression and chronic stress from my family, career choice and problems with relationships. My father died by suicide when I was a child but I rarely tell anyone about that. But I did watch my mom play the victim role against him and people in general, and today a brand new therapist told me to stop playing a victim. That hurt. I have been trying to advocate for myself, by myself against stigma, trying to heal from my traumas and i am usually an advocate for others better than myself, and i am a caregiver by career. How to you stop being a victim when you need help to get past traumas and SI and isolation without support? Is asking for help being a victim? I’m just trying to tell my story so i can find the right help. My history makes me take the victim mentality? I guess it makes me feel if I’m accepting that I’m playing a victim than I’m not worth getting the help I need.
Hi J. So the victim mentality means we are not seeing our own personal power. It has nothing to do with asking for help, which takes courage and power to do, so is really the opposite of being a victim. You could think of the victim mentality as helplessness and non-victim as action. It can help to keep asking yourself, am I telling myself I am helpless in this situation? (victimhood). Or am I going to take a minute to remember, wait, I’m an adult with inner resources, and that I could probably deal with this somehow, even if that is just by asking someone else to help? (taking action/not a victim). There is no shame in falling into the victim mentality. Really we should expect we would naturally do so if we suffered a lot of trauma, our brain is basically programmed that way and we need time to reprogram it. So you need to cut yourself some slack here. Of course trauma also makes us extremely sensitive, and often we want to please others and feel terrible if we don’t. It sounds like this therapist didn’t recognise your sensitivity levels, perhaps as they are new to working with you, we’d doubt they meant to insult you but imagine they just misjudged. Did you let them you know you were upset? And that it felt judgemental to you? It’s important to be fully transparent with a therapist if therapy is to work, including admitting if something a therapist says upsets you. If the therapist is a good therapist, they’ll use this feedback as as starting point for some good work and not be at all offended (if they are, then maybe they aren’t the right therapist). It can be hard to find a ‘click’ with a therapist, it can take 4 or so sessions to know if it will work, so it if was only a first or second session, you might need to give it a few more tries before deciding if this is the right therapist for you. Also note not all therapies are beneficial for trauma navigation, you might want to read our article on therapies for trauma here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Finally, if there was any victim mentality going on here, it would be in the idea that you are not worth getting help. But this sort of self-defeating thinking is again a normal part of surviving trauma, so again, just be kind to yourself, note the helplessness, remind yourself that you are a powerful person who is so resourceful they have sought therapy, and keep going on your healing journey. Best, HT.
Hi, I don’t actually even know where to begin.
I play the victim in my relationship with my wife, be it in arguments or good situations. My work is always crappy because someone else caused it. My wife is upset with me constantly because of something I did, but I try to turn it around to make myself be the victim. And I hate it. It’s ruining my marriage and though I’m in therapy, it never seems like I retain anything. I just revert back to my old ways and begin to self victimize again. It’s so incredibly frustrating because I don’t want to lose my wife. She’s been a beacon of light in a world that I’ve intentionally made dark. I just want to stop feeling the way that I do, I want to stop being a victim. Yes I had a rough childhood. I had an unloving father who would routinely call me worthless and make fun of me, and a mother who would do virtually nothing to stop it. He also had a victim complex himself and nothing was ever his fault. But I can’t just stand here and blame everything on that, because I’m a grown man who should be able to learn from his mistakes and not fall into the same routine over and over again. I feel incredibly lost because it feels like every time I take one step forward I immediately take two steps back. Is there anything I can do to make the right steps so I start actually helping myself instead of just having a few good days and going back to it?
Hi John. First of all give yourself some credit. You sound really self-aware, and you’ve made the big step of going to therapy. Self-compassion would help, we have an article on it you can find with the search bar. Also note that we took a lifetime to create all our issues, we are not going to then fix them in a few short months, the healing process is a journey. What matters is to be on it, which you are. So we can’t tell someone we don’t know over a comment what their life is or isn’t or how to change things, this is best done with the therapist you are working with. Have you told them all this, your frustrations, etc? As clearly as outlined here? Talking about the therapy process in therapy is actually very helpful. And it works best when you can be as transparent as possible. All we could really say is that sometimes we need to accept what we are getting out of things in order to let go of them. What are we getting out of being a victim? Out of beating ourselves up? We can be addicted to beating ourselves up, and certainly being a victim and knowing that allows us to constantly put ourselves down. And victimhood can offer all sorts of benefits that can be hard to give up. An identity, a way to get attention, a particular role we can play for others, etc, etc. Also, feeling bad can be a comfort zone. It can feel safer than feeling good or loved as we know how feeling bad works. Especially if the truth is we have never felt good or loved and aren’t even sure what we are signing up for. Also note that the way you talk about your relationship as if it’s all on you, that’s a red flag for us. As is the fact that you seem to idealise her. Is your wife also doing work on herself? As relationships are 50/50. Not possible for it to all be on one person.She wouldn’t have been attracted to someone living in the victim mentality if she didn’t have matching issues to work on. Is she also in therapy? Finally, we don’t know what type of therapy you are doing. If you have trauma in your past, and are in a therapy where all you do it talk about the past, that doesn’t always work but can keep you triggered `and you would benefit from a stabilising therapy first read more here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Best, HT.