“How Can I Remember Childhood Trauma and Abuse?”
By: Radarsmum67
The most common question readers ask us is, “how can I remember childhood trauma and abuse?”
It’s understandable. Suspecting you were abused or traumatised as a child is an overwhelming experience.
Once the shock wears off, it’s normal to want to know exactly what happened to you.
[In crisis because of abuse memories? Our new sister site harleytherapy.com can see you talking to a therapist by tomorrow.]
The bad news about how to remember childhood trauma
Until someone creates a time machine, you can never know exactly what happened in your childhood.
Science’s understanding of the human brain is still quite limited. But research shows that the mind doesn’t form an exact replica of experience. And it is very easily influenced when forming ‘memories’.
Our memories are influenced by what others tell us or insinuate happened. They are affected by other people’s stories and memories that we confuse with our own. Assumptions we make based on emotions we experienced, our perspective at the time. And of course our own imagination.
By: torbakhopper
So any technique or alternative therapist who claims they can ‘help you remember’ is not a good idea. There is too much of a risk they will influence what you ‘remember’ and traumatise you even more.
Are you saying I wasn’t abused?
This is not to say anyone was not abused if he or she remembers being abused!
Sadly, statistics show that many of us were sexually abused. The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) estimates that almost one in four children in the UK experience sexual abuse.
But it is to say that exact details can be hard to pinpoint, so obsessing over them can be more harmful than helpful.
Also note that rushing off and making accusations that you unfortunately can’t prove is not the best immediate tactic when suspecting you were abused. Read our article on ‘What to Do If You Think You Were Abused as a Child‘ for better ideas.
As for the recent trend of bingeing on internet articles about abuse then assuming you were sexually abused? Despite no other memories but just as you have ‘symptoms’? Know that things like depression, anxiety, and sexual issues can stem from all sorts of childhood experiences and traumas, not just sexual abuse. Instead of obsessing on ‘remembering’ abuse that might not have even happened, obsess on seeking support for your symptoms.
So does this mean a therapist won’t believe I was abused?
A professional therapist is there to support you and be on your side. You will not have to ‘prove’ anything. You will be listened to.Then the therapist will help you process the feelings your memories bring up for you, irrespective of the ‘exact’ details of your trauma.
Note that just as a good therapist won’t make you feel your memories aren’t true, they also will not try to make you think something happened you don’t have a memory of. This is known as ‘implanting false memories’, and is unethical, not to mention dangerous for you as a client. It’s worth reporting to the association your therapist is registered under, should it happen to you.
Will I remember more things about childhood abuse in therapy?
By: Joe Penna
It’s true that the therapy room creates an environment where new memories, thoughts, and feelings quickly surface. It is a safe space, and the power of someone intently listening to you can have this affect.
But there is no guarantee therapy will help you remember things. In fact its entirely possible to experience the opposite. Some people go to therapy worried they were abused, but discover it was some other childhood trauma altogether.
If I am not going to remember exactly what happened to me, why bother with therapy?
Here’s the big secret about getting over childhood sexual abuse and trauma. The exact details of what did and didn’t happen are not the most important thing.
What actually matters is recognising and dealing with your symptoms. This might be anxiety, edginess, sexual acting out, self harm, the list goes on. Such symptoms get better when your process your emotions and upset, regardless of exact facts.
One of the worst things you can do if you suspect you were abused is to ignore your symptoms. Or not seek support because you are too busy ‘figuring out exactly what happened’. Constantly focussing on details can mean you are re-traumatising yourself. And it can mean you engage with other people when you are emotionally vulnerable in ways that can also further traumatise you.
It’s far better for your wellbeing to accept what memories you have, exact and ‘real’ or not. Then work on processing these memories and the feelings they involve in a safe, supportive environment like a therapy room.
Harley therapy connects you with experienced London therapists who can help you with childhood trauma and abuse issues. Not in the UK? Our new sister site harleytherapy.com offers Skype therapy wherever you may be.
Still have a question about ‘how can I remember childhood trauma and abuse’? Ask in our public comment box below.
I disagree. Treating symptoms and not the root of the problem will only cause other symptoms to pop-up. That’s why therapy doesn’t work for a lot of people. It’s good for some things, but not deep rooted childhood trauma, because the therapist just wants to give you a band-aid.
Hi Sufferer, you make a good point. But we think it’s a misunderstanding of word choice and you taking that word out of context. We assume you are in the USA. The USA is far more drug focussed than the UK, so ‘treating’ would likely imply drugs. We believe in processing what is behind those symptoms. In the paragraph where that word was used, we went on to say “Such symptoms get better when your process your emotions and upset, regardless of exact facts.” Processing what is behind your symptoms, aka, exactly what you are saying, getting to the root of things, leads to lasting change. To clear up any confusion we’ve now changed the word ‘treating’ to dealing with’. Thanks. And note that no good therapist would ever offer a band aid to a client, the point of therapy is to do the deep work.
I am in therapy and the day before I went to my session i was plagued with the smell of my dad’s genitals. I have no memory of sexual abuse at all. When i was talking about the smell my therapist simply asked “why do you think you know that” and my response to him was “I don’t know but my immediate thought was I’ve always known.” Now i feel shocked and confused and don’t know what to think. I’ll go back to therapy with it next week as this session was only today but it feels like along wait. When he asked me that question ialso had a strong bodily experience, my heart was pounding, my stomach clenching and my genitals pulsating. Which also made me scared, why I would react like that.
Hi Sally, this is really something best explored slowly and safely in the therapy room. There are so many ifs, buts, whys. So we can’t really say if/why as we don’t know you well, or your life, or your story, or they way your brain works. And it would be wrong of us to make any assumptions or explanations over a comments box. It’s great that you are in therapy and sounds like you are growing trust with your therapist, so do keep talking about this there. And talk about your fear, and your physical reactions, which are all normal when they body is processing old traumas. Best, HT
I have memories of acting out sexual scenarios aged around 4. I was highly sexually aware/ active from a young age engaging in sexually exploitative play with peers aged about 6 which I initiated. I am also aware of seeing a doctor around that age for issues with my genitals, namely unpleasant discharge. I am terrified I was sexually abused. Why can’t I remember any abuse? Why can I remember all these strange things but not actual abuse. I clearly remember my dad a saying let’s touch tongues when I was about 9/10. I’m in therapy but just so confused and sad all the time.
Hi Sarah. Most of us don’t remember abuse clearly. The brain is designed to help us survive. And this means it can wipe out things that are too upsetting and stop us from coping. If you scroll through the comments it might be comforting to see you are from alone in this, both in being abused and in not remembering it. We are really glad you are in therapy. Do you feel comfortable talking about this with your therapist? Or do you think your therapist is someone you can grow to trust with all this? We would then ask if therapy seems to be making you feel worse or better. If you did experience childhood trauma, then you need to be with a therapist who can help you navigate that and understands trauma. It’s normal to feel ‘worse before better’ with therapy as we are finally facing what we’ve run from and it can move a lot of emotions. But in some cases the wrong type of therapy can make you feel worse, if it’s pushing you to talk about things you are not stable enough to navigate. You might want to read our article on therapy that helps trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Best, HT.
I’m sick of telling this story. I don’t know why I’m even bothering.
My mom died when I was 12. She was my best friend. I’d been homeschooled before she passed, and we’d spent all of our time together. Don’t worry – I was signed up for plenty of extracurricular activities so I could receive the proper social experiences to prevent me from becoming a total weirdo. Anyway, she died, and my dad got remarried barely a year later. The woman he married hated me. And I quickly hated her. Constantly, she would berate me and put me down, humiliate me in front of my friends and loved ones. She treated her daughter like she was a princess and treated me like…well, Cinderella. She was a text book “evil stepmother.” To make matters worse, my father always sided with her, never stepped in to defend me when she hurt my feelings or went out of her way to humiliate me. I remember at one point he told me that if I didn’t start getting along with her, she promised she would divorce him. He put all the pressure on me to fix things.
Not long after my dad married her, I moved in with my wonderful, amazing, and kind grandparents to attend school in their town. But every weekend and summer I went back to my dad’s. I’d hide in my room and avoid my “parents” at all costs. I was never hit (as far as I know – I can’t remember much from my teen years), but even now at 27, I still experience all the symptoms of PTSD. It makes me feel weak. Reading all these stories, it’s clear that so many people had it far worse than I did. Why am I suffering from these symptoms?
I’m not in therapy. I’m just trying to exist and pretend I never had a childhood. I mean, because of all of this, I gained the best parents anyone could ever ask for – my grandparents. So why am I still so caught up and tortured by some woman’s derogatory remarks? Doesn’t that seem a little ridiculous and outlandish? Am I forgetting something, or am I just a little b*tch, unable to deal with being bullied 9 years ago?
Eh, sorry for the novella. But, if you made it this far, thanks for listening. I hope you don’t I’m as weak and stupid as I feel. Not that it matters, anyway.
Hi there. Thank you for bravely sharing all of this. When we lose a parent at a young age, particularly someone we were so close to, it’s a massive trauma. Mourning can take years. Instead, you had your whole life changed within your first year of mourning, and the very person whose support and attention you’d most need, your father, was too busy falling in love with someone else to give you any. We are sure he had his reasons and didn’t mean to neglect and hurt you, but your child’s brain most probably registered that as a double abandonment. Your mother abandoning you through death and your father through a second marriage. So we actually thing this sounds very traumatic indeed. You are a person who is able to see bigger perspectives and has good self awareness, so you are mature enough and positive enough, actually, that you are grateful for your wonderful grandparents. The trouble is that your guilt at having such wonderful grandparents might have meant you didn’t let yourself process the sadness and rage that are a normal part of the grief process. No wonder you feel so numb. All those feelings are so bottled up inside, to maintain that control you have to choose to not feel anything at all. In summary, we think your focus is on the stepmother as that is easier. Easier to put all the emotions on that target than maybe consider that you might be also be equally or more angry at other people and things. This is a complex situation. It’s important not to compare your experiences to others. Each person and each brain and each situation is unique. We think this is clearly trauma and that you clearly have very low self esteem and repressed emotions and you are exhausted and want to tell a new story but don’t know how, are we right? You say you are not in therapy. Is there a reason you haven’t tried? We think it would be hugely beneficial. The thing is we also think you could use a therapy that stabilises you first as just going and talking about this particularly with an inexperienced therapist who doesn’t understand trauma might just leave you constantly triggered and feeling worse. We have an article here that explains why it’s best to try a trauma based therapy first and the right therapies to try http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. We think you could see huge differences in your sense of self, your esteem, and your depression/numbness if you committed to the therapy track. Until then, try to go easy on yourself, as you are beating yourself up very clearly in the language you use, and we suspect you blame yourself for a lot of things that were simply entirely beyond your control. Best, HT.