Assumptions in Relationships – Are They Wrecking Everything?
By: Ashley Webb
Assumptions are powerful little numbers. Masquerading as ‘facts’, they see you making choices based on little more than good guesses.
And assumptions in relationships can be particularly destructive, wreaking havoc in both your work, home, and social lives.
[Not sure what a healthy relationship even is? Read our Guide to Good Relationships.]
What do assumptions sound like?
- He didn’t call me tonight, so obviously he is not interested.
- My colleague didn’t invite me to her dinner party because she doesn’t like me.
- My boss talks to other employees more than me because he regrets hiring me.
- He’s so quiet, he’s obviously weird, I don’t want to know him.
- I can just tell he/she thinks I am not their type.
How are these assumptions? He might not have called because he had a family emergency. Your colleague might have had a partner who didn’t want anyone he didn’t know already at the dinner party, your boss might be attracted to you and nervous to talk to you, the quiet person might be your soulmate, and the person you are sure doesn’t like you really does.
How can I tell if I am making assumptions in relationships?
For the most part, you will be assuming you know what someone else thinks and feels.
By: Rodrigo Basaure
Assuming you know how someone else thinks and feels never works because you are seeing things from your unique perspective and value system, which are rarely the same as the other person’s.
While you can know the facts about a situation or someone’s actions that you have observed, a person’s feelings and thoughts are only available to you if you ask them. And they must trust you enough to tell you the truth.
Not sure if you are or are not making an assumption? Ask yourself the following:
- What facts do I have to prove this thought is true?
- What facts do I have to prove this thought isn’t true?
- Is it my own observation, or did someone else tell me this and I assumed it to be true?
Also look at what others say to you in relationships. Do you often get told to “stop telling me what I think?” Have people said to you, “you are always putting words in my mouth”? Or do friends and partners say things like, “you always assume you know how I feel when you don’t?”
Then look at key phrases that indicate assumptions, such as ,“I’m sure that…”, “I can tell that…”, “I just have a feeling that…”, or “obviously, he/she…”.
[For more about what assumptions are and what you can do to stop them, read our connected piece, Why Assumptions Ruin Your Mood and How to Stop Making Them.]
Why do assumptions ruin relationships?
Assumptions lead to ‘shut down’. We stop being open and receptive to the other person, stop trying to connect, stop making effort, or even walk away from a relationship or quit a job, all based on our own assumptions.
Assumptions create constant tension and conflict . If we assume we know what another person thinks or why they did what they did, they can feel judged, trapped, or like they are never given a chance.
By: Erica Firment
Assumptions can mean you don’t let other people see your good side. If you are always making assumptions about others you can come across as quite defensive. You might even, without wanting to, be seen as unkind.
And the end result is that assumptions can leave you feeling secretly quite lonely. They build a fortress around you that leaves others on the outside.
Why would I be making assumptions all the time?
It’s often down to a need to control others and situations. If not knowing how others think and feel makes you feel helpless, assumptions help you feel back in the driver’s seat.
Assumptions can also be a way of avoiding emotional pain. By always assuming we know what others think and feel, we avoid the risk of being vulnerable. We block out feedback that might hurt, but by so doing we also sadly block out learning the good things others would like to share with us, including real affection and love.
Making assumptions is thus also a habit of those who have a fear of intimacy.
How can I stop letting assumptions ruin my relationships?
Self-help and ‘bibliotherapy‘ can be a good place to start.
But if you feel you just can’t stop pushing others away and that your tendency to make assumptions is out of control or based on childhood issues, consider seeking support. A counsellor or psychotherapist can help you get to the root of why you always make assumptions, and will help you find new ways of behaving that mean you can learn to trust and feel connected to others at last.
Harley Therapy puts you in touch with some of London’s top counsellors and psychotherapists who work from three central London locations. Not in the UK? Consider Skype Therapy, now proven as effective as in-person counselling for many issues.
Have a question about assumptions in relationships or want to share an experience? Do so below in our comment box.
This article has been very insightful. I have been dealing with my ex always assuming the worst. We are broken up (some what recently), because he assumes it will eventually happen anyway. He assumes that I will want to change him if we were to marry. Even when I express my honest feeling on various matters, he chooses to believe his assumptions, versus taking my word. He is always ready to take flight when he feels or thinks that something might happen or go wrong. Me on the other had would rather talk it out and work through our issue or concern. I am an analytics person, I usually think before I speak. I am honest with him and myself. When he’s not assuming or doubting my love for him, the relationship is otherwise great. We consider ourselves one another’s best friend. We have a great admiration and respect for one another and tend to have a great time together as well. The chemistry between us is amazing. We both still love one another and miss one another, but he can not get over assuming the worse. I think that I will share this article with him and see if it will open up the lines of communication. Now that I think about it, he almost always takes an issue and assumes the worst, rather than ask me directly how I feel about certain things.
Thanks for writing this article. I pray that it helps my relationship or opens up a line of communication that has been missing.
Hi Sabrina, it sounds hard. Assumptions can mean we don’t truly see others clearly. We’d just add that it’s important to also take care of yourself in this situation. Sadly, we can’t change other people. But we can help ourselves and make sure we are practicing self-care. If you are desperately trying to love someone who is always seeking the exit, and now actually has left, it’s worth questioning what in you feels this is worth investing in and if this is a pattern at all in your life, seeking love from those who can’t offer the stability you need. Best of luck.
I’m really glad to find this blog talking directly about my current problem and i hope it does me good, We (the lady and i ) haven’t really been into dating but we have known affections for each other. But it turned out recently that i felt something isn’t right with us. I consulted her and she was like we are in a relationship of so much assumptions and that real issues are not addressed . I see this as a result of lacking intimacy in the relationship, but i don’t know how to fix this.
Hi Mintson, thanks for sharing. Well communication would be a good start! Have you sat down and talked about those assumptions versus real issues? And have you directly talked about the fact you want to be in a relationship, or are you assuming that she wants that to? It’s possible she wants to just stay friends and is afraid to say. If someone is not good at setting boundaries they can create all kinds of drama and problems to avoid telling the plain truth – they just want to be friends. So maybe start the discussion by being honest about your feelings and what you want and listing with patience to her side.
This is a problem that has been occurring a lot recently in my relationship. My boyfriend has started deciding that he knows what my next move will be therefore he has begun acting off of those assumptions rather than off of how I really feel. The other day I woke up to my baby crying and went to offer my boyfriend help in feeding him. Before I could even ask the question I was bombarded with an angry “I’m getting his bottle, of course hes gonna cry, maybe you should just go home if your not able to handle being woken up in the morning.” This assumption sent the whole day/week into a spiral. The worst part was he refused to apologize to me even though he’d been in the wrong. On top of that he would not give me our baby to breast feed and insisted on continuing to give him the formula out of stubbornness. We now have barely seen each other the whole week. Tonight is his night to pick up our little one and watch him. Again, I called him up and asked him what time he was getting off of work and about his day. When I asked what time, he refused to give me an answer, when I asked him why he said “If I tell you what time I’m getting off work you’ll want me to pick him up on my way home!” This was not the reason why I had asked him and even if it would have been I don’t see an issue either way. However, the reason it bothered me soo much is because I now have my boyfriend fighting with me over things he “assumes” I’m going to do. I have tried to reach out to him to talk about this but nothing seems to be getting through, hes not really an “emotions” kind of guy and every conversation I try to have just seems to make things worse. Do you have any suggestions? Thanks!
Hi Kelly, we can’t tell you what to do here based on one comment, as it seems pretty clear to us that there is a lot more going on here than what you are explaining. We don’t get to this point in relationships over just one casual comment. For that one bad morning to have triggered you so much, child involved or not, means that there is more going on, both in the relationship and in yourself. It also seems that you are seeking to blame him, which we do when we are angry, yes, but is not helpful in relationships. It does sound like you are having a lot of life stress, and we are sorry to hear that. But in relationships, responsibility is 50/50, even if we simply need to take responsibility for choosing the relationships we do. Statements like ‘he is in the wrong’ show some unhealthy expectations and communication. So we are not surprised, in all honesty, if he doesn’t want to talk, as he probably feels he will get blamed or yelled at instead of being listened to. In summary, the only person we can change or have control over in life is ourselves. We’d suggest you look at how this relationship got this way, and how your own ways of seeing things and reacting is part of it, and what you can do to open up the communication and do so in a way that is neutral and supportive over bound to create more conflict. Good luck.