Tired of Being Alone? 7 Reasons You Never Attract a Healthy Relationship
By: er madx
Frustrated by your inability to attract a healthy relationship? And plain tired of being alone?
Recognising the issue might stem from you is a powerful first step. It means you are past the stage of making yourself a victim and blaming everyone you date, or telling yourself the disempowering fib that ‘you just haven’t found the right one’ yet.
*Of course there is no law that says everyone must be in a relationship! But the issues below will also be the same ones making relating with colleagues, friends, and family hard, too. So keep reading.
7 Psychological reasons you can’t find a good relationship
1. You have unhealthy programming around what a relationship actually is.
If you want a good relationship but have never really seen one up close and in action, then how would you recognise it if it was standing right in front of you?
If you grew up in a home with, say, parents who hated each other and were constantly fighting or cheating, or a single parent who was scared of relationships, you just won’t have any inbuilt understanding of relationships.
Instead you are likely to have unhealthy ideas around relating that actually encourage you to choose badly or push people away, or Hollywood-movie expectations that mean you can’t recognise real love.
2. You own a set of core beliefs that keep connection at bay.
Growing up with no healthy relationship role models creates a set of unconscious assumptions about yourself, others and the world are called ‘core beliefs‘ in psychology. These hidden beliefs you mistake for fact will be buried in your unconscious but driving all your decisions and behaviours.
For example, if you grew up with one parent controlling and threatening the other, you will have the core belief that love is unsafe. You are likely to also choose relationships that are ‘dangerous’. Even if a partner is not physically violent, they might constantly criticise you, or refuse you any real emotional support. Or, you will avoid all love and connection in order to be ‘safe’, but instead lead your life in a state of constant loneliness and depression.
3. You are suffering from what is known as ‘attachment issues’.
Attachment theory states that as an infant it is crucial that a child receives protection and emotional support from a primary caregiver they can ‘attach’ to and trust.
If you had a parent or guardian who could not offer you such a stable platform to grow within, either as they were mentally unwell or unwilling to be a parent, then you will grow into an adult with issues in relating to others (read our piece on attachment and relationships to understand this more).
4. You are secretly terrified of intimacy.
If deep down you are terrified of loving and being loved, then no matter how wonderful another person is your fear of intimacy will see you sabotaging the relationship. Or you will tell yourself “I don’t want a relationship”, or “I don’t need other people”. And yet you are probably tired of being alone. Studies show again and again that we are really pack animals – we thrive when connected and suffer when not, via loneliness, depression, and even early death.
5. You have unresolved personal trauma.
Sure, you can tell yourself ‘the past is the past, I live in the present“. Or you can protest what happened in your past ‘was no big deal’ and didn’t really affect you. But if you are unable to attract and maintain healthy relationships and there was any turmoil in your past then you are likely kidding yourself.
By: Lauren Hammond
It’s important to remember that even if your adult mind now sees what you experienced as ‘minor’, your brain processed it from a child’s perspective.
So sure, your father passing away suddenly when you were five was beyond anyone’s control. But your child’s mind felt abandoned and responsible.
As for sexual abuse, it’s now recognised that it doesn’t even have to involve physical touch to be abuse. “Non contact” abuse still results in longterm psychological struggles for the victim.
6. Your self-worth setting is on very low.
The idea that we have to be entirely confident and full of self-love to be in a healthy relationship is just not true. The point of relationships is to learn and grow together, not be perfect together.
But it is true that low self-esteem that is consistent, pervasive, and stems from difficult life experiences does leave most people unable to be accepting of love and care. If at heart you simply don’t believe you are worthy of love you will consistently choose relationships that are unsupportive and confirm your negative core beliefs about yourself.
7. You lack any real sense of self.
If you grew up in an environment that taught you that that you have to be certain things to be loved (good, well-behaved, smart, tidy, quiet, etc) then you will most likely be an adult who chooses their behaviours on how others react instead of on who they themselves are.
You will be a codependent people pleaser, and you will lack personal boundaries and be unable to say no to others. In many cases you won’t even have clarity on how you think and feel most of the time, and will struggle with decisions.
How does this block good relationships? It’s hard for others to love something when it is unclear what they are loving. Lacking a sense of identity will also make you unreliable, needy, and anxious – not exactly what most people are looking for in a partner, unfortunately.
If this sounds like me, then how will I ever be in a healthy relationship?
Unresolved issues don’t vanish in a day. They require bravely delving into all that you are and not giving up on the process of inner growth. You must commit to the path of healing – but if you do, you can and will see results.
Starting with self-help books and research is helpful.
But the path forward is faster if you seek support. This can be in the form of a coach or a counsellor or psychotherapist who deals with intimacy issues and relationship difficulties. They can create a safe space for you to recognise what needs to be resolved and what you truly desire for yourself moving forward. And they can keep you on track with taking action steps toward finally being loved and loving.
Harley Therapy connects you to qualified and friendly therapists in three London locations, or from wherever you are in the world via Skype counselling.
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Still have a question on what stops you from a healthy relationship? You can post below in comments (which, do note, are made public).
In life, there are two versions of people, the outgoing type and the anti-social type. Those who are the live wire of any gathering, I’m talking about those people that you can’t help but love their charisma. Then comes those of unfriendly aura that unwelcome people’s company, I am one of the many who ended up here. With everything that has happened in my life, I think I may be anti-social. Personally, I’m naturally introverted and mingling in social gatherings is not my forte.
In little words, I am not the kind of person that likes to be around a lot of people. I’d rather just be alone and thrive in my own space. Several people have asked me why I like to keep to myself; I’m still yet to think of a justifiable reason.
Hi Stephen, to be honest we think people are not that black and white. Many people, for example, who seem extroverted are actually behind it terribly shy and not enjoying themselves. Others who appear introverted love crowds. We’d suggest you read our article on Jung and Personality types https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/jung-personality-types.htm. Secondly, why do you have to justify liking to be alone? Do you judge yourself for it? There’s nothing wrong with liking being alone. The more you accept yourself and this part of yourself, the more others will.
Um u say 7 reasons but then only give 6 but I know counting is difficult.
Oh worse than that – we had 7 but we had two marked ‘5’. Thanks for the spot, all fixed.
This doesn’t help at all. All you are doing is telling us how “Lonely” we are. We know we are lonely! That’s why we are researching it. We are trying to get help. So what was the point of this article? To make us feel more distant than we already do.
Hi Fred, we are sorry you are feeling lonely and angry. This of course was not the point of the article. Many people don’t understand why they are lonely, and in life we cannot deal with things until we face up to why we got there. So understanding is the first step. The article contains many links you can click on to then learn more, with many other articles providing self help advice. Good luck.
I lost my husband after 27 years. He was never really very nice to me. Left me with no insurance behind on all the bills. Ten days after burying him I had to go to work after not working for years and catch everything up or lose it all. My problem is this. It’s been 16 months since he passed I find myself lonely at times and other times I’m content with work and home being alone. All my life I’ve lived with people never alone. I’ve had enough time to get to know myself a little bit. I am learning to love me after being called so many names and put down for years. Just how do you take the next step. I am self supporting have my own home. I miss having someone around to talk to and do things with. I don’t know what is an appropriate time to move on.
Georgie, sounds an awful lot of change but be proud of how resilient you have turned out to be, finding work and learning to spend time with yourself. There is no right or appropriate time to move on other than the time that feels right for you. Your life is your life, and it’s only you who is living it, so you must do what is right for you despite any best intentioned advice from others. If now feels right, then it’s now. If you need more time, than that is fine too. We wish you all the best.
I already know all of this. In my case I’d worked through a lot of those issues, I was sexually emotionally and physically abused abused by my father and mother from the age of two until I escaped at 24 and also other adults were involved in other kinds of abuse.
I met a man several years ago who I fell in love with and for the first time in my life thought I could trust and adult (, and found out he was just like all the other adults who pretended to love me) but he undid all those years it took me to get to that point by being domesticly abusive. I’ve got no confidence I’ve lost my breast due to cancer and who’d want me anyway eiyh o e breast? I can tell you men want busty women and that’s two breasts not one! I am now 53 and would rather hug a cat than a man!
Now I’ve gone right back to that abused child of two and Cannot connect with adults. I cannot socialize or mix and I’m terrified of men again. I am connecting more and more with animals who can live and don’t care I’m fat ugly and not perfect.
I never want another man near me again iftw as that bad.My ex was my dad all over again and it ended me with me. There is no such thing as a healthy relationship they simply Do Not exist as human beings have to many issues. Men need to dominate and abuse woman so what’s healthy about that. Find me a man who doesn’t because they don’t exist!!!
I am lonely yes I cry every night but do I want a man in my life who can do that to me again!
No. I don’t want to be lonely but I’d rather be lonely than used and abused.!!
And yet here you are, reading an article entitled ‘tired of being alone’. So deep down you have hope. Look, Denise, what we feel here is a lot of anger, perhaps even rage. Which is normal given your past. You say “I’ve worked through a lot of those issues”. How? Did you work with a therapist? As thinking we are over something and being over something are two very different things. When we are abused as a child, we develop a hidden, deep, dark belief we deserve to be abused. If we still have a core belief in our unconscious mind that we deserve to be abused, we still attract abusers. There is still work to be done. But here you are, alive, still here, and able to do the work of healing. No matter what happened, you were not destroyed. But you are making choices still that destroy you. That leave you lonely and unseen, unheard, like a form of self-abuse. And it’s up to you to now make a choice to stop that cycle, to find your way back to a belief that you deserve to be loved. So we’d say, can you gather the courage to find support? If you are on a low income, we have an article here on how to find free or low cost counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT
Victim blaming. There are myriad reasons that can contribute to a situation. From how a person looks, their voice, their job, life experiences, and yes their thoughts and ambitious which everyone has a complete rght to have, and still have friends if people were less cruel.
I see lots of people who are just utterly mean and have lots of friends. It appears that groups of friends are often gangs that develop based on a shared antisocial interest. It’s most often the good people who want the world to be a good place who are completely alone. Because that is boring.
I am astounded by the lack of help for this real problem, and instead, where there should be help, it’s eclipse by the victim blaming you see an articles like this.
We are sorry you feel alone in life, David. But read your comment. Can you see how full of rage and anger it is? How you seem to be claiming you are a ‘good person’ and everyone is bad, terrible, and mean? How would you know this if you don’t actually know them? But are judging them from afar based on your own assumptions? In summary, you are judging everyone and angry at everyone. So this would be a root behind why you don’t feel able to connect. To connect with others we need to have compassion and an open mind. Perhaps if you read the article with an open mind you’d discover it’s not at all about victimising anyone. It’s about helping you see yourself in a way that you can start to have compassion for yourself first, and see your own power to create change. Change CAN happen. We work with people who have gone through horrifying traumas. They are not victims. Because the trauma happened then, and they are in the present, putting the focus on themselves and taking responsibility for their life here and now, instead of spending all their energy finding flaws in everyone else and, indeed, making everyone else their victim. This happens as we don’t like ourselves, and project it on everyone else. We think you deserve better than spending your life paralysed by fury and rage, don’t you? Best, HT.
I agree with David. My first reaction after reading this article was it is blaming the victim. There are so many circumstances why someone can not find a relationship. 50% (or more) of the people in USA are single. Does that mean 50% are wrong? Even the people who have found a relationship have broken up because the relationship was not working for one or both. As the lady above says – she was in one marriage all her life but it was healthy and did not make her happy. I think I am pretty good and have learnt to recognize toxic relationship – but it still means that I am single bcos i recognize that a relationship with this person cannot be healthy and stay away. And I actively work on myself to be more evolved and self aware. You need to look at statistics and look at why so many people (in your words) are not able to attract a healthy relationship. Maybe you will come up with better ideas/suggestions than vague reasoning. Thanks.
Hi Sophia, the assumption you seem to be making is that someone has to be in a relationship or there is something wrong with them. Is this your belief and judgement on yourself, deep down? There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being in a relationship. Did you consider that some of that group you are talking about don’t want to be in a relationship? Are healthy and happy? It’s a perfectly healthy state of being to be alone if that is what you want or where life has led to. And a relationship doesn’t, after all, solve our problems, or change who we are. That has to come from us. So yes, keep up the good work on personal development. But it does sound like your focus is very strong on ‘finding a relationship’. And that you are seeing the world through black/white thinking, ‘good/bad’. Sometimes if we just lessen that focus, and work at being happy, at following our passions, on finding a sense of purpose, and compassion for ourselves and others? Then we find we naturally attract friends and partners that we get along with via shared interests and values. Of course it’s always helpful with all relating to learn how to share our opinion clearly but without unnecessary aggression, plus learn to notice our black and white thinking. Finally, to note that friends and family relationships are just as valid in life, it’s about feeling connected, that is what matters. Best of luck.
When I read it, I found so many things that are related to MY life, and I was kind of scared. I am growing up in an environment kind of like some of these, and it worries me that I will never find love in my life ever. every day I wake up and think, “When will it be my turn?” And by that, I mean my turn for a love life. people around me are telling me I am too young for that kind of stuff, and they are not wrong. but I am getting to the age where I need to start pondering over that stuff, and I just really want to prepare myself for the things to come, the things to hold. I worry, not only that I won’t find a love life, but that I am not worth it. that I am not worth anyone loving me. I ask myself, will anyone ever love me? And I think, no I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone will. I don’t have anything special about me, not really. I just wish there were some things on here to fix that.
Hi there Karm. So here’s the thing. We don’t think the issue here is anything to do with love. We think you are suffering from anxiety. Combined with low self esteem. When we have anxiety, our mind goes on huge journeys into the future, obsessing on all that might go wrong, in an increasingly illogic fashion. It tends to pick one subject to obsess on, and your brain has chosen love. If you sorted out this problem, by chance, your mind in all likelihood would find another subject obsess on. Anxiety means our mind becomes hooked on this sort of thinking, we can’t stop. No matter what anyone else says or even facts right in front of us, our anxious mind goes on and on. So we’d recommend that you research anxiety and if possible find professional support to help. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a short term therapy that has been shown by research to be very effective for anxiety. You might also want to start a mindfulness practise, also shown by research to help anxiety and a free tool. Best, HT.
Yeah. Or you may be a very healthy person and alone because most people are unhealthy and you are wise enough not to be in a relationship with them.
T, is that really true? That you are some ultra healthy, perfect person, and everyone else on the planet is just not good enough? Or is that something you tell yourself as it make things feel easier and better? We can all fall into this now and then, but it’s also a trap. Many people are not interested in relationships. It’s not a prerequisite for a happy life. And yes, many people have a lot of relating issues, unfortunately Western society has not built itself in ways that lead to all children getting the stable childhood that would lead to being more at ease with relating. But there are just as many people who are reasonably healthy, understand their issues, and can have a working relationship (not a perfect one, all relationships have flaws and require hard work to maintain, this is life, not a movie). But this level of ‘me against them’, on the other hand, is usually a sign of counter dependency, of intimacy issues. If we are attracted to people with serious issues again and again inevitably it’s as we have issues ourselves. Which is fine, nobody is perfect. But telling ourselves ‘it’s not me, it’s them’ does one thing. Keeps us lonely. You can’t solve a problem if you don’t admit it’s there. Best, HT.
I’ll try to keep from coming off the rails..
I was sexually abused by an older brother. My mother hid in denial and protected my abuser with only a few words: “we haven’t caught him doing it”. That was his safety net. She was extremely dependant on prescription drugs, so it was almost as if he had a schedule learned of when he could abuse me. This went in for years and years.
My senior year in highschool. Our marching band would take a week’s trip away to perfect our drills and to mate them with the songs we’d play. Somehow or another, all the boys were in a circle talking about the small bits of life. This seemed like the very first time anyone had allowed me time to speak, and my trauma burst through like a dam giving way.
So here we have multiple adults who SHOULD have done something and chose to leave me to the danger. My school never investigated my claims, my director never contacted my mother. Instead, I was condemned by my immediate family. They said things like: “you could have ruined his entire life by saying that” or “this should have been handled in the privacy of the family”. They labeled me a liar, and the first night I was back from camp, they left me alone with my abuser.
Today, I’m weeks away from turning 27, and I find myself asking “why can’t I-” all over again. The danger is no longer present, but the damage it did seems to always find me. I have poor experiences in relationships, and it seems when a relationship concludes I can’t help but blame myself. I am broken, have been discarded, and forgotten.. But I still want my life to hold meaning. I don’t want to chose to stay in this mindset for another day.
Hi Nicolas, it’s a set of very difficult and unfortunate circumstances where you understandably felt betrayed at every turn. This would leave anyone with trust issues. But assuming you are broken, or forgotten, we’d debate that. Bad experiences don’t ‘break’ us. They just mean we are a person who had bad experiences and now has to heal. You are an adult now, who every day can make choices for what your life will look like and who you will or won’t be. You have a lot of power. The problem is, when we are abused and neglected, our mind tells us otherwise. We have deep, extremely powerful and controlling unconscious beliefs telling us we are helpless, useless, etcetra, and they drive us to make decisions that ‘prove’ these beliefs true until we spend our adult lives living like we are still that helpless child we once were. We need help to break these beliefs, discover who we truly are and what we are capable of, and to create a life where we are who we want to be. We highly, highly advise you seek professional support over this. We can tell ourselves daily we will just ‘stop living in this mindset’ but childhood abuse is extremely powerful it programs our brains in ways that are very difficult to break alone. There is a lot of great self help out there, books, forums, etc, and they are all very helpful, but support can really give us the boost we need. Find a counsellor or therapist you can grow to trust (with this sort of background you won’t at first trust anyone, let alone a therapist, so don’t expect to) and commit to the long journey of self development. We’d recommend you read our article on what therapies work for trauma as others can backfire http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. You are young, and a positive future, despite your past, is still up to you. Gather up your courage and seek help to move towards it! Best, HT.