“I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You”: Is It a Dead End or a Level Up?

By Stefan Walters – Systemic Marriage & Family Therapist

Is there a phrase more devastating to hear from a partner than, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”?

It is a uniquely painful experience. It’s that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach when it seems your partner has suddenly stopped instigating sex, no longer seeks that “spark,” or has shifted their emotional priorities entirely toward work, friendships or hobbies.

As a systemic therapist, I see couples in this exact scenario every week. They have built a life together, perhaps they have children, a home and a deep attachment, but the “charge” has vanished.

However, before we assume this is the end of the road, we need to look at what is actually happening beneath the surface of the relationship.

Understanding the Energy of Love: Cathexis

In psychoanalysis, we use a specific word to describe how we invest our emotions: Cathexis.

Cathexis is the investment of psychic or emotional energy into something or someone. Think of it like getting “hooked” on a new TV show or a project. When you first meet someone, you experience a high level of cathexis. You are excited, invested and the “honeymoon phase” carries you through big life milestones; moving in, getting married, having children.

But this level of high-intensity energy is often unsustainable long-term. Eventually, we might experience:

• Acathexis: A numbing of that energy. It isn’t “hate”; it’s just a lack of emotional current.

• Decathexis: The opposite of cathexis, where energy is actively pulled away, sometimes leading to feelings of “the ick” or contempt.

The Myth of the Permanent Honeymoon

In other areas of life, we accept that energy ebbs and flows. If a friend says, “I’m taking a break from my favorite hobby because I’m busy,” we don’t blink. But in relationships, we have unrealistic expectations. We expect to sustain that “magical” honeymoon phase forever.

The truth? That excitement usually has a natural shelf life, often cited as the “seven-year itch.” When that initial spark fades, it isn’t necessarily a sign of failure; it’s an invitation to “level up” the relationship.

Why We Go Numb: The Trauma Connection

As a certified brainspotting therapist, I often see a direct link bet

ween relational ruptures and trauma. The human nervous system always wants to keep us within our “window of tolerance” to maintain homeostasis. If you are going through a period of high stress, anxiety or bereavement, your nervous system may enter a state of dissociation to protect you from being overwhelmed.

The problem is that we cannot selectively numb. If you shut down your pain or stress, you accidentally shut down your capacity for joy, passion and lust.

In these cases, a partner saying they aren’t “in love” isn’t a reflection of the relationship’s quality, it’s a reflection of their nervous system being “offline.” They aren’t able to connect with any emotional energy, let alone romantic energy.

The “Newness” Trap

When a relationship feels numb, there is a dangerous temptation to seek out someone new. Why? Because a new connection offers “the thrill of the new” without the risk of vulnerability. There’s no history, no work and no emotional risk.

This is often how infidelity enters the picture. It’s rarely about the other person; it’s an attempt to feel “alive” again after a period of emotional acathexis.

Can We Rebuild?

The good news is that this phase can actually be a positive turning point. It is an opportunity to recognise that love is a verb. Reclaiming the spark requires:

1. Radical Communication: Acknowledging the numbness without immediately jumping to separation.

2. Compatibility in Growth: Making sure that as you both change as individuals, you are intentionally reconnecting rather than turning away.

3. Seeing Each Other Anew: In therapy, we work on moving past the “roommate” dynamic to see the partner as a multifaceted person again.

Whether this journey leads to a stronger, “leveled-up” partnership or a healthy, conscious separation, making sense of the “loss of spark” is the first step toward resolution.

If you’re feeling the weight of a “numb” relationship, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Contact Harley Therapy to connect with a specialist who can help you and your partner find your way back or forward.

About the Author

Stefan Walters is a systemic marriage and family therapist at Harley Therapy with over 19 years of experience in the UK and USA. A specialist in relational issues and attachment, Stefan is also a certified Brainspotting practitioner, using neuro-biological techniques to help clients process trauma and nervous system “numbness.” With a background in the high-pressure music industry and the NHS, he brings a grounded, expert perspective to couples navigating life’s transitions.

To book a session with Stefan, click here.