Unconditional Positive Regard -What It Is and Why You Need It
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
January 20, 2023
By: BK
by Andrea M. Darcy
Unconditional positive regard, or “UPR”, is a concept made popular by Carl Rogers. The creator of person-centred counselling, Rogers was also one of the founders of humanistic therapy.
What is unconditional positive regard?
“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.” Carl Rogers, in his book Ways of Being
Unconditional positive regard refers to accepting and supporting another person exactly as they are, without evaluating or judging them.
At the heart of this concept is the belief that every person has the personal resources within to help themselves. They simply need to be offered an environment of acceptance that can foster their own recognition of this.
An example of UPR in action
It can help to think of a parent/child relationship to understand UPR.
If you had a good parent they would have shown you unconditional positive regard. You would have been accepted regardless of how you behaved, or what you did or thought. If you made mistakes, or had a temper tantrum, it was okay. When you were a teenager with wildly different opinions to your parent, that was entirely acceptable, too.
You were trying out new things and discovering who you are, and your parent or guardian believed you had the inner resources to get through your ‘growing pains’ and grow up into a responsible adult.
If your childhood did not contain unconditional positive regard, it would mean you were shown disapproval if you did something that did not match what your parent wanted. For example, if you disagreed with their idea of what was correct you would have been told you were ‘wrong’ and ‘had a lot to learn’.
The idea shared would have been that you didn’t have any inner resources to find your own way forward but had to listen to what you were told to do to become a ‘man’ or ‘woman’ who ‘deserved’ things like respect. And if you followed their rules you would be accepted and considered valuable. You were shown ‘conditional’ positive regard.
Unconditional positive regard vs. unconditional love
Does this example imply that you must love someone, like a good parent loves a child, to show UPR? Absolutely not.
By: Flavio~
Unconditional positive regard does not even mean you have to particularly like someone.
It only requires that you believe they have the inner resources to find their way forward and extend respect. You put your personal opinion to one side and receive and accept them just the way they are, and believe they are a valuable person like the rest of us.
In this way unconditional positive regard is a psychological approach over the biological impetus ‘unconditional love’ could be seen as.
So yes, many parents offer their children unconditional love, because it feels a natural drive within them. But this does not instantly imply they also offer their child unconditional positive regard, which requires mental effort and commitment.
The power of UPR in the therapy room
According to Carl Rogers, UPR is about creating an environment for clients that most allows for their healthy development. (This was of course combined with other key mindsets he felt a therapist should offer, some of which you can read about in our article on ‘the Elements of Good Listening’).
An environment of unconditional positive regard benefits the client in the following ways:
- When the therapist offers no judgement the client feels less fearful and can share their thoughts, feelings, and actions freely.
- As the therapist accepts the client, the client is encouraged to find self-acceptance.
- The therapist allows the client space to think for themselves instead of using questions designed to illicit certain answers. With such a space to think the client can begin to cultivate their inner resources.
- By seeing the client and not just their behaviours, the therapist offers the client a chance to realise they are more than just their behaviours.
At the heart of unconditional positive regard, then, is hope. The therapist, by putting aside their own biases, shows optimism that the client can create positive change for themselves. They are more than what they have done.
Moving towards UPR in your daily life
1. Expect people to have internal resources.
How often do you assume that others don’t have the skills or knowledge to figure things out by themselves? Start to notice how often you give advice under the guise of being ‘helpful’.
2. Suspend judgement and bias.
Are you like a laser, scanning people for what is wrong with them? What would happen if just for one day you decided that everyone was perfect just as they were, even if you can’t understand their choices?
3. Listen without a soundtrack.
Notice what is in your head when you are apparently ‘listening’ to someone. Are you trying to figure out what is wrong with what they are saying? Thinking about your own similar experience you will tell them when they are done speaking? What would happen to your interactions if you cleared your thoughts and only focused on hearing what the other person was saying, just as it is?
4. Allow others to be different.
Notice how often you use the phrases ‘that’s wrong’ or ‘you’re wrong’. What if the other person is just different? What would happen if you stopped seeing others in terms of right and wrong? Or expecting them to fit a pattern?
Note also how often you do or don’t allow yourself to be different. Do you do things just as everyone else is? What would you actually rather do or think instead?
5. Show yourself unconditional positive regard.
Sometimes the best place to start with UPR is to offer it to ourselves.
What would happen if you were as accepting of yourself as you are of your friends? If you let yourself off the hook when you made mistakes? And showed self-compassion?
Learning to accept ourselves as is can help us to then accept others.
Is it really realistic to practice UPR with everyone?
It’s a worthwhile question, one that other psychologists have posed. Should unconditional positive regard be something we attempt to show everyone we meet? You might have your own questions too, such as, do your colleagues really need or deserve your positive regard? Won’t that make you seem weak and not business-like? Should UPR be reserved just for those close to you?
The best way to answer these questions is by practical experimenting. Try the perspective shift of unconditional positive regard in your daily life. See what affect it has on your relating to others and your own mood and decide for yourself.
Would you like to work with a therapist who uses UPR? We connect you with some of London’s best person-centred therapists. Or use our booking site to find UK-wide humanistic therapists now.
Do you have an experience of person-centred counselling and the power of unconditional positive regard you’d like to share? Do so below.
Andrea M. Darcy is a popular mental health writer and the editor and lead writer of this site. She has training in person-centred therapy and coaching. Find her @am_darcy
Hi. I have had 10 months of Person centred therapy. I am totaly amazed by the power of UPR it changed the way I see the world, I see other people and just starting to practise UPR towards my self. My therapist is moving on and we have got 5 sessions left. I am working towards finding another T but feel emotionaly dependent on the current one and find it extremely difficult and scary to move on. Any suggestions how can I make this move with more confidence and trusting my self? Thank u. Kind regards Alens
It’s so great to hear your therapy has helped. And how wonderful that you developed a trusting bond. It is always scary when we grow trust but then have to move on. But what is the worst thing that can happen if you just let yourself feel scared? Is it ok to feel that things are hard and scary and then make small steps to find another therapist despite the fear? Could that work? There is a gift in every emotion, a chance to feel things we’ve long avoided feeling and explore how the feeling actually is as opposed to what we fear it will be. And definitely talk to your therapist about this. He or she might help you find the root of what makes change and losing others so overwhelming for you personally, and it can also be a doorway to understanding yourself even more.
I have been a yoga instructor for few years and I can see a positive change in my students on emotional level because in meditation,I usually let them visualise many positive things to let go,slow down,don’t compare,don’t expect,do good ,forgive yourself and others,simplify life,declutter,organise,live for now,do what feels good ,optimism ,keeping mouth shut when you can’t say anything good and doing things mindfully so they don’t regret later and numerous other things.I am so happy to see the change in them:)
A man who lives through troughs of depression I can only say that unconditional positive regard seems to me at best a collusive deception, tying the object of this ‘regard’ to its perpetrator. Already I can sense the hackles rise : I must clearly still be trapped in an aggressively judgmental view of human discourse and anything I may say could easily be held against me. I’ll risk that and say two things: firstly, the successful counselling/therapy I’ve received has never flinched from challenging and engaging with my compulsive patterns of thought. Secondly, that creative exploration of my psyche and emotional heights and depths often follows the more difficult path: the poems that have resulted may contain painful understanding, but they nearly always constitute a positive, releasing energy. This, surely, is the least we can offer each other? Anything less I’d find condescending and inherently dishonest. The only way out is through, we cannot thrive in a permanently extended egocentric infancy.
Hey Peter, thanks for commenting. We certainly don’t hold someone voicing their opinion against someone! We’d just share that unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean a therapist would veer away from being authentic and genuine. If the moment calls for engaging and challenging, so be it. Unconditional positive regard means we believe in the person as worthwhile. And certainly challenging others does not at all affect our respect for him or her. In fact sometimes our respect demands it. Nor does unconditional positive regard have anything to do with being ‘positive’ with approach. The word positive is an adjective in the phrase, but not at all about positivising anything in therapy, as you’ll see outlined in the article. Again, it means you believe in the client as a worthwhile human with inner strength. In fact no talk therapy focuses on being ‘positive’ as that is unrealistic and unhelpful. Therapy is about learning to accept your life, to be resilient, and to develop self-compassion for yourself and others. Hope that helps.
Hi, my partner just sent me this post “unconditional positive regard” as a response to some of my behavior lately. I’m an artist and my partner has always been extremely loving and supportive of my career, but sometimes it gets to be too much. The other day, he gave me his opinion on a certain aspect of my painting and I told him that I didn’t agree with him. He wouldn’t let it go, telling me that if I didn’t do what he suggested then I obviously didn’t care about any of the advice and support he’s given me over the years. The next day, I sent him an email saying that though I appreciate all of the help he’s given me, we should probably scale back on the advice-asking and giving for a while and that I didn’t appreciate how insistent and demanding he got. He ignored me for a few days and when we finally talked about it, he said that the only way the conflict could have been resolved is if I would consider his opinion and take his advice. I told him that I am happy to consider his opinions, but I always reserve the right to disagree and to NOT take his advice. I don’t like how he always has to be “right” and won’t apologize for hurting me. He told me that I need to be more accepting of him and sent me this article. I don’t know what to do. This is a pattern for him. I love him, we’ve been together for 9 years and our relationship is mostly really loving and healthy but this is wearing on me. I wish he would just apologize for being so insistent and recognize that I have the right to NOT take his advice, and he needs to be okay with me disagreeing. What should I do? I got upset and told him he was controlling and his behavior was narcissistic and I think I messed things up by being too harsh/critical. Should I try “unconditional positive regard” and just realize that this is how he is? Maybe I need to be more loving and accepting, but I’m also feeling angry.
First of all, we don’t support our articles being used as a weapon against someone, and we are sorry to hear that happened to you! Carl Rogers would certainly be turning in his grave to hear his wonderful concept of empathy and acceptance was used in this way. Unconditional positive regard is about seeing someone’s inner resources and potential and believing in their strength to find their own way forward, with the right support. It’s certainly not about seeing someone as wonderful and great and right all the time. And telling someone how to act is actually the opposite of UPR, as it’s not accepting someone else has their own resources to know what is best for them. As you say, you can hear someone’s opinion but if you act on it or not is up to you, someone offering UPR would accept that. So we are afraid to say your boyfriend obviously did not actually read this article beyond the title and needs to take the time to do so. Nevertheless, we are getting only your side of the story here. And it sounds like you both want to be ‘right’, which might or might not be an ongoing pattern. We can’t make a judgement call based on a one-sided comment. We don’t know what other things have happened in this interaction or what he’d say. There might be many other things going on. Then again, to be ignored for several days just for disagreeing is worrisome to hear, especially if you have been together for 9 years. That is far from healthy communication. Also worrisome is the fact that you are going into guilt and self-blame for standing your ground. Which both suggest a relationship of one person being controlled by the other. Hope that helps.
Thank you so much for your reply. That clarifies things a lot. Just to be clear: practicing UPR does NOT mean that I shouldn’t ever request that my partner change? Our pattern is that when I criticize him, he often says I should just be more empathic (practice UPR?). In the end, I often apologize instead of him. I rarely criticize or make requests any more because I know there isn’t much point. So, just to be clear, I can practice UPR and still ask (not demand) my partner to change his behavior, right? He’s a good guy, and I really do believe he’s capable of growing and changing. As am I. I just don’t want us to get stuck by thinking that UPR means that we shouldn’t ever ask each other to make changes in an effort to improve our relationship. Thanks again!
You say on one hand ‘make changes to improve our relationship’ and on the other, ‘request that my partner change’. These are two different things. In the end, the only person you can change is yourself. trying to force someone else to change is a tricky thing, and can veer towards control as well. We are not here to be part of a dispute between you, that would best be something done with a couples counsellor who can help you both find the answers that work for you. UPR is seeing someone else’s inner resources and believing in them. That’s it.
Thank you for this great article! It would be really interesting if there are people who can share their experience of using UPR in daily life.
I have been using it more or less, each day for a while now, though it gets exhausting at times. Sometimes I need to tend to my own needs first; for example if I’m very tired I can’t really be patient with others as I usually am. specially that when I’m using UPR in regards to others they really like to talk a lot, and tell me about things that I am not comfortable with! So it’s been quite an exciting, motivating and at the same time uncomfortable experience to me. I’m still working on finding a balance.
Sami, good for you! It is a great concept to bring to everyday life. As you correctly point out we do need to also take care of ourself, and walk that boundary between seeing the resilience and potential in others while not feeling a need to save them, simply to see them. And it’s okay to be honest too. That can be part of UPR, to respect someone enough to be our real self. So it’s okay to admit something someone is saying makes you uncomfortable.
I told my therapist that it bothers me when I tell someone important to me about a toxic interaction with another person at work, and the person I talk about it will say “Well, I don’t know the person”. And it clear that no, they don’t know them because they don’t work where I work. Should it matter though? It feels like a minimization tactic. Now since I told my therapist that bothers me, she has been saying that a lot. “I don’t know that person, but…”. Obviously therapists don’t usually know the people I have had interactions with unless I am couples therapy, which I am not. Some of these people are from the past and I don’t even have contact with them. I am going to ask her about it next time, but is it wrong that it bothers me when she says that about more than one person that she clearly doesn’t know, because I can’t have all these people show up at my therapy session so she could know them. Does it matter if she knows them or not? Thank you.
Hi there, that’s great that you are going to talk to your therapist directly about this. Therapists are there to speak openly with. As for why people say, ‘well I don’t know that person’. It is not likely a minimisation tactic. When you talk about other people, are you often angry, hostile, or judging the other person? For example, your comment sounds like you are quite angry in this moment. Like you feel nobody understands you, nobody wants to listen to you, everyone is out to get you and ‘minimise you’. Is this possible? Because sometimes, when a person speaks in an angry manner about someone else, the listener says ‘I don’t know the person’ because they don’t want to judge or be angry at someone they don’t know and are separating themselves from the speaker’s emotions, not trying to diminish what the speaker is saying. Because most people don’t want to feel angry or judgemental towards someone they have never met, this is normal. If that is hard for you to understand, that’s okay too. We don’t all fit into ‘normal’ ways of thinking and feeling. So then maybe you think and feel differently to most people. So you just need to take the time to learn how other people tend to act, or ask them what they mean or why they say and do things, calmly, without accusation, before jumping to conclusions that they are, for example, minimising you. And start to ask good questions when you have assumptions in your mind – what if that is not what the other person is thinking or doing? What if I am assuming people think like me? What if they think and feel differently? What sorts of other ways might they think and feel? We hope it goes well with the therapist.
I have recently begun a counselling course and UPR is the first thing i have come across. I myself suffer from depression, so this is an interesting topic personally as i find it hard to give myself a break and constantly attack myself for any reason. That being said, i was wondering if my current experience is an example of me using aspects of UPR already in my work.
I am a Prison Officer and spend all my time dealing with men who a large percentage of are dealing with mental health issues of some kind or another. As a professional i view each and every prisoner as a blank page. regardless of their crimes, i try to encourage them to build a positive working relationship with myself. Starting small by addressing them as Mr so and so. i believe this sets the tone of any interaction, a level of mutual respect if you will. From there i encourage self motivation in order to promote self worth. in my mind, if they can get themselves to do something, then the level of self achievement is higher. Even if a prisoner does something wrong, i don’t immediately jump to punishment. I talk with the prisoner and use leading questions to get to a point where they understand why, what they did was wrong. This self realisation then makes it easier for them to accept any punishment they may then receive.
In a nutshell, i believe in the world of counselling UPR is used to allow someone to location and confront any issues they have, on their own terms. This in turn allows them to accept what they see and be more likely to adapt and change accordingly.
Again, i am brand new to this, so please forgive any ignorance on my behalf. I am completely open to any differing opinions and theories. All help welcome.
Hi Scott, thanks for sharing! Great to hear you’ve started a counselling course! It is sure to be of tremendous value with your work with inmates. We think you are definitely getting the hang of UPR. But it’s a difficult thing to master because it involves, to quote our article, “accepting and supporting another exactly as they are, without evaluating or judging them.” So that means accepting people without any need for them to change, or any expectations, or without constantly thinking, “if only they’d….”. Easier said than done, evidently! As when we are a sensitive person we can see the best in others, their potential, and really want them to achieve it, as evidently you feel about those you work with. But to truly practise UPR we have to accept the person has inner resources and yet at the same time drop any need for the other person to fulfil what we see as their potential. Why would Rogers suggest that? Because a funny thing happens… when we truly, deeply accept others as they are (and that is a rare thing) then it often gives them the confidence to explore their own resources and become more of that…. if that makes sense. But of course accepting others as much as we can manage to is a wonderful thing too, god knows our society hardly encourages it…. Keep up the good work!
Thanks.
I suppose I need to rewire myself into thinking that it’s not about changing people but helping to create a space in which the individual can explore themselves. Without fear of judgement and bias. Enabling them to access their own resources and do with them what they will.
Or just show some UPR to yourself too! There is a slight edge in your messages of being hard on yourself, of expecting only the best from yourself….are we picking up correctly? We are all learning, and we can’t be responsible for saving everyone else, the only person we can actually ‘save’ is ourselves. Life is a process, and all we can do is our best.
I’m only just embarking on my counselling course but am already finding this topic very thought provoking.
I’m currently a coach in a corporate setting and also also explore things like MBTI and Facet5 personality tools. Whilst I wasn’t aware of the term UPR, I think that I have been practicing this for a while when using the above.
In my experience, accepting a person as they are and having no expectations of them beyond that of having a meaningful and thought provoking conversation relieves the pressure from you and your client. You can’t and shouldn’t try to change them or you’ll just be disappointed if it doesn’t happen. Instead what you can and should help to create is a sense of empowerment in the client that should they want to change they have the power and support to do so. The ownership lays very much with them, as does the power to change or stay the same.
UPR – great food for thought. Can’t wait to learn and hear more
Very well stated Paula, thank you!
Hi , I am a professional athlete coach in China,
I recently got married to a local girl and madly in love with her, but we had half dozen arguments about my coaching approach with clients that are professional athletes, just general public members.
The difficult thing is, everything about her I have excepted including our culture differences, I am not a controlling person and I have always loved her as she is and I tell her every chance I can. I know I have a stubborn behavior and beliefs of being strong and maintaining my role as a professional coach. So we clash in this part of our relationship, I know at times I react to comments and opinions and advice and I don’t really mean too. I am feeling is if she is trying to change me , everything things we argue about is always me ..so I’m starting to blame myself for my part . But I do know I have a listening problem and take great offense to her opinions and comments.
I do believe I practiced UPR , but I do know that I am not perfect at it.. and now I am in a position were I could lose my marriage 😢. She wants a divorce, because we argue, she doesn’t want this, she tells me many times that she wants a peaceful and loving marriage, we get on great and our relationship is full of excitement and love and happiness outside of the argument.. but she keeps telling me I need to change my behavior and I am trying every day and now its just feels difficult. Please shine some light on my problems if you could. and I’m not very good at writing this..
Hi Lee, we are sorry to hear you are having difficulties with your marriage. We’d have to know you and your wife to give real advice, as we are only getting your perspective. But from what you are saying, this is about far more than just her not liking your coaching methods. First of all it sounds like neither one of you knows how to communicate. She is using bullying methods of criticism and blame, and you are withdrawing (which is normal when we are being attacked). What really concerns us is that you seem to be internalising everything, trying to practise UPR even as she is criticising and putting you down, and then feeling it is all your fault. This is not possible. A relationship is 50/50. There are two people in it. It is not all your fault. And your wife is being completely unrealistic with her demand for a ‘peaceful’ marriage. Healthy conflict is a part of any good relationship. Of course the way you are fighting is not healthy, as we’ve mentioned. We also note you claim it is a great relationship in one breath, but admit she wants a divorce in another. We aren’t sure if you are not accepting what she actually wants, or if she is constantly pushing and pulling you, which would be exhausting for you and would mean she has issues that need dealing with that are not about cultural differences but would likely rise from her childhood. In summary, it sounds like you have low self-esteem, and there also sounds to be some codependency going on. A good relationship should leave you feeling accepted and supported, not like the other person just wants to constantly change you. We’d suggest you both seek couples therapy and learn to communicate as well as identify what is really happening here. If your wife isn’t interested, we’d then highly suggest you seek one-to-one counselling for yourself to address your low self-esteem and look at what this relationship is really offering you. Good luck.
Hi I have just started my Counselling course and been directed to this article . I had never heard of UPR before but I’m glad I have found it now .
I have and 18yr old and a 21yr old both living at home and as much as I love them , respect their choices and show them opportunities for them to grow and use their own resources and skills we constantly class. Then we all feel hurt and un respected.
I am constantly being ignored when I ask them to get up before lunch time , when I ask them to take responsibility for there own stuff as well house work. I’m am exhausted not only trying to do most things as well as work and run a business , but with this constant friction. Most of the time I feel utterly worthless
Hi Jane, great to hear you are starting a counselling course. The parenting sounds tough. But that’s the nature of parenting. Even if you were the most perfect parent in the entire world, there would be issues and frustrations. It’s a learning curve. And it can sometimes be really messy. What matters is that each family member knows they are loved and accepted no matter what. If that’s in place, you’re doing just fine. And that pertains to you to – can you love and accept YOURSELF no matter what happens between you and your kids? Yes, easier said than done, but something to keep in mind. The sleeping late, that is to an extent normal. Teenage brains are still growing, and often are on circadian rhythms that ‘don’t do mornings’. Of course at 18 and 21 they are adults. Are they making adult plans for their own lives now? And for leaving home and being independent? Otherwise, sounds like there are communication issues. How do you all communicate, and what are your rules around communicating? What boundaries are in place? What agreements? What repercussions are carried through with if agreements aren’t followed through on? As for UPR, it would be great if children practised UPR towards parents, but that tends to come later, when they are out on their own or having families on their own and finally realise what their parents went through for them. So it becomes about lowering expectations until that point and making sure you take care of yourself and have those boundaries in place.
I recently had a young woman come to me to tell me that my partner of four years was having an affair with her. She and I sat down and talked for an hour or so and I ended up using UPR without really knowing what it was. I understood she was betrayed by him also and that she needed to be believed and forgiven to move on. It was easily given. I feel no malice towards her however it’s obvious my partner actively and knowingly betrayed me. He doesn’t deny it and has only apologized and showed remorse but also admits that he never intended to stop. Getting caught and seeing my anger and pain is what has made him have to reflect. He has cheated on me before and through many months and long talks we always find our way back together. I’m very painfully trying to truly detach this time because I think he needs that kind of consequence for his actions and I need this kind of action to show myself respect and self-love. I’ve never had to cut anyone out of my life because despite having “toxic” people in my life I see they’re in pain and I see how they’ve grown when receiving UPR. I think people that have no one become dangerous to everyone. Basically I need to talk with my partner and I’m at the other side of anger. I just want him to not ever do this to anyone again. I get that he has to do the work here but I think I can at least shove him off the shore and into the ocean. How can I give him and myself UPR, get what I need to be said said, and not give him cushion to relax into thinking his actions are excusable? Can this method potentially let him flame his ego even more and compress his guilt? When someone lies and hides can the person receiving those hurtful actions give that person UPR?
Hi Shelby, you are not responsible for everyone else in the world. they are responsible for themselves. UPR is not about always liking people all the time or always being nice and it isn definitely not about ‘helping other people’. It is about believing everyone you meet has the inner resources to find their OWN way forward. And respecting them for that. what we are seeing in your comment is a fair around of codependency, where we get our sense of self by helping and pleasing others when really it needs to come from within. We’d advise you go read our pieces on this subject, and also consider reading the great classic ‘Codependent No More’. Finally we are reminded of a story from Buddhist circles. We are paraphrasing here, but it goes something like this… A woman walks by a man every day who always tries to steal her umbrella off her. She tries to be very nice about, she smiles at him, she politely say please don’t, she thinks about how hard his life must be he doesn’t have his own umbrella… yet he keeps doing the same thing. So she asks a Buddhist monk what she is missing. Why can’t her kindness stop this man from trying to steal her umbrella, what has she not tried. and the monk replies, what about hitting the man with the umbrella. In other words, don’t let your obsession with seeming a good person blind you to the fact that an appropriate and healthy response to being treated very badly is to be angry and express your anger. In this case UPR means respecting the other person enough to show strong boundaries then leave them to it.
I have noticed that i make a real effort to offer others unconditional positive regards but rarely offer it to myself. This has made me think how many times during my life i have tried to fit the mould. Said the right things or done what i should but not actually what felt right for me. Being able to acknowledge my own feelings and accepting them is really powerful.
Its also interesting the difference between unconditional love and positive regard. I have always loved my children no matter what but i now think that sometimes i have subconsciously encouraged them to act/think the way i thought. I know i can’t change this but i feel that acknowledging it is a positive step
Hi Tina, yes definitely a positive step. Although we do wonder if it’s also another way to demote and blame yourself, as you mention you rarely offer positive regard to yourself. We think you’d find our article on pleasing others useful, take a look https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/people-pleaser-meaning.htm. We’d suggest you might want to learn about self compassion. It means we try to treat ourself like we would a very good friend, and let ourselves off the hook a bit more http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT . It’s okay to mess up, to be angry, to realise we have manipulated, anything at all… we are all human, and we do our best. Best, HT
Hi, I have recently started a counselling course as I felt it would assist me in my work within the church. I currently volunteer at a church run cafe where we offer a comfortable, safe space for anyone to come in and have a freshly ground coffee and a cake for free. This means we get a huge cross section of people through our doors. I am considering what I have read about UPR and I think I do actually use this approach naturally. There is one person, however, who used to be homeless, after coming to our cafe for many months he has now got himself a home. However, he still acts as though he is homeless, begging in the street etc. I know he has a drug problem and he does not wish to talk about this at all so I respect his choices. What I am finding difficult is that I hear him speaking to other volunteers as well as to myself and he is constantly trying to get money or food from us, neither of which we can give, other than the free coffee and cake.
My question is, should I challenge this behaviour with him or should I continue to listen and let him think it is acceptable to spend all his money on drugs and beg from people who think he is homeless and pennyless, when he is not.
Is UPR applicable in this context and if so, how do I fully utilise it for the good of the gentleman I have mentioned?
Thank you
Hi there Ruth. So the thing with UPR is that is an authentic offering. We need to authentically believe that another person has the inner resources to find their way forward. It’s not an easy thing to master as to offer UPR we have to really be comfortable with our selves first, and be accepting of ourselves, so we can extend that acceptance and belief to others. We need to be able to have a broad perspective beyond our own, and beyond our own limited experience. We sense a very rigid right/wrong dichotomy here. And a lot of ‘big’ emotions being held down. We’d say this is far more about your than this gentleman, and a chance to explore your own emotions and beliefs. What is it this is making you feel? Is it okay in your books to feel angry, or do you judge yourself for it? Where did you learn that in life there is only one right way? What happened to you personally in life to teach you this? What happened in your life if you were not ‘good’ and ‘right’? As for learning perspective (https://bit.ly/perspectiveHT). We’d point out that homeless people have huge challenges most of us can (thanksfully) hardly comprehend. To survive, they develop a structure they follow, that can give a sense of security and comfort. It’s not something many instantly give up as it makes them feel safe. Imagine if you, someone who has always had a home, were suddenly homeless. Are you to suddenly give up all attempts to have a home or act like you do? And the identity about having a home you’ve spend years living in and suddenly ‘act homeless’? If you were to pretend you had a home to someone you met, as that is the identity you are used to, should you be punished for pretending that? or would it be fair to assume you’d need some adjustment time?
I am very annoyed with a young relative who communicates with me in the tone of unwarranted (in my opinion) disrespect, contempt and arrogance regarding a family dispute. In the past I tried to show this person unconditional positive regard, always trying to express my faith in them and a desire to help without expectations. But I think my attitude has given my relative the wrong message. It seems to have been misunderstood as permission for my goodwill to be exploited and taken for granted. I have decided to take a hard line and express my dissatisfaction with their behaviour. I don’t want to give them any further opportunity to invalidate me. It is very difficult for me to continue to communicate UPR to this person while I feel so angry and upset with them. I wonder if you have any comments on this?
Hi Judy, the thing about UPR is it has to be something you really feel. Not something you do to be ‘good’ or ‘charitable’ or as you think God wants you to do it. If it’s not genuine it’s pointless and just leads to this, an explosion of anger. This is all your real feelings coming out. The truth is you don’t like this person. Better to sit with that, experience your emotions, and process them, then pretend, which doesn’t do you or other person any good. We see a lot of red flags here. That you feel people ‘invalidate’ you, that you use the word ‘contempt’, ‘hard line’. We feel this anger and rage is probably far bigger than this person and this situation and something you’ve dealt with for a long, long time, even since childhood. Worth looking at with a counsellor if you had the courage. You see there is nothing wrong with anger, it’s a useful, helpful emotion we use to set boundaries. But here we feel rage, which is anger used to lash out at others, and then it’s not helpful, as it tends to eat us up inside and leave us lonely and blocks out all the kindness and love you have inside you and want to share. Best, HT
Thank you for your honest feedback. I feel that you hit the spot when you say that I try to “be good” and “act charitably” – it’s an attitude that has been instilled in me from childhood, but I must admit that it isn’t the same as having genuine positive regard for someone. It’s more to do with political correctness, trying to act good and helpful to gain the approval of the higher powers, God, parents, and ultimately my own self-approval, without even noticing my own feelings about the persons I’m supposed to be helping. I see that “goodness” can be a kind of denial. At the time of writing, I didn’t even realise that my message sounded like it was full of rage. Now I can see clearly the angry words in it and feel the underlying feeling. I grew up in a family in which whole generations made a virtue of self-denial. I guess that my rage, now and back then, is to do with being expected by others to be “good” while ignoring, denying and/or blanking out my true feelings that the others never approved of, or even noticed. Will certainly take this to my counsellor next week! Many thanks – Judy
I want to add that while the unfairness of my feelings being invalidated and dismissed is always a touchy point for me, it’s rare for rage to come to the surface – my buttons need pushing really hard. My young relative’s lack of tact did just that, drawing attention to my insecurity about being heard and respected. It’s been really useful sharing this here, thank you again.
What wonderful clarity Judy, and yes, exactly. You’d be amazed how many people end up in therapy for this very reason. They come from a ‘good’ family and had a ‘nice’ childhood so can’t understand why they don’t feel at ease. But if you come from a family where you have to be ‘good’ to be loved, and that means you have to repress any thought or feeling that doesn’t match what ‘good’ is in your family, it actually has a very high psychological price. We can grow up into adults still always valiantly trying to please and be ‘good’, very often have a lot of repressed anger and can be passive agressive, and even have identity issues. This young person comes along and is perfectly comfortable letting all their shadow emotions fly, and is, we’d guess, still loved by their family, so perhaps this too was very enraging, that someone else has that freedom you never did.
Glad to be of help. And sometimes these very people who hit our triggers are in a way doing us a favour – they help us recognise a pattern that needs our attention, a way forward that can free us. Best, HT
Hi, I know this article is a few years old, so I am not sure if anyone will see this.
Anyway, I am currently training to be a counselor and looking at UPR. I do have strong feelings about this.
If your client is, for example, a convicted child abuser, I can imagine that finding a sense of UPR about that person would be very difficult indeed. They may be with you to be treated for depression (for example) but the fact is that you know they were convicted of child abuse. It’s part of their history. They may, for example, use their mental health issues as an “excuse” for their previous behaviour and the counselor would have to accept that, which I have difficulty accepting.
I wonder if you have any thoughts about this type of situation.
Hi there Gemma, that’s a lot of judgement going on. And it is what is. You are at the point you are at and able to extend the understanding that you currently have. You might also want to look at transference/counter transference. If you have things in your past that make you very angry at adults who have abused children, for example, you can then project that onto a client. This is why when studying to be a therapist you have to do therapy yourself, which expands your understanding of yourself and others and thereby expands your empathy. It’s also why only a very small percentage of graduates go on to actually practice. As it is not an easy job. With this mindset, should you find it persists, you would not take on clients with this sort of issue as it would be bad for the client and for you and serve nobody. Note that many counsellors work with, for example, those with workplace stress, or low self-esteem. You don’t have to work with everyone, nor would you necessarily attract such clients. To add that we are not sure where this idea of those who abused children using mental issues as an excuse comes from, it’s a very broad stroke. A counsellor would never be dealing with psychopaths, for example, that would be a highly trained psychiatrist and specialist, most often working within an institutional setting as anyone with such a mindset would never put themselves forward for therapy of their own accord. A client with any sort of paedophilic urge who has the courage to seek therapy generally experienced abuse themselves and lives with intense self hatred, shame, and suicidal urges over gloating. Best, HT.
Reading all of the comments has actually really helped me understand UPR much more. I feel this will be the hardest skill to learn and wondered if you could suggest any books I could read to help me improve this skill? Also I was wondering if you could suggest any courses Available where I can work on my personal URP. I’m doing a counselling course and I’m finding it so interesting. Having two small children I want to make sure they have the upbringing I didn’t and know they are loved no matter what. Thank you very much.
Hi Toni, good for you for taking a counselling course. We don’t know of a course or a book that focuses on just UPR, but it part of person centred counselling, and is an idea created by Carl Rogers, the founder of person centred counselling who wrote many books, maybe give him a google. Best, HT.
I definitely struggle with UPR when it comes to discussions or debates about discrimination and lack of equality. I find that I get very angry, especially when people decide to play “devil’s advocate” about things that don’t affect them, which often leads to undermining the person who experiences discrimination. I want to be able to “stand up for people”, including myself, but also practice UPR when engaging with people in those discussions. I don’t know how to though…
Hi Rose, what we seem to be hearing here is that you feel what someone currently thinks or says is who they actually are. It might help to cast your mind back to when you were younger. Was there anything you steadfastly believed back then you are now embarrassed you did? As we grow up and are educated and have different life experiences we tend to change. Our thoughts are not static or our identity, not matter how much at the time we fiercely defend them. UPR means believing people are doing the best they can with the information they have been given and have the potential to find their way forward. It’s about seeing potential, not agreeing with what someone believes or even liking them. We also suggest you use the search bar to find our article on perspective. Learning to see each other’s perspectives really helps, particularly as it helps us imagine how they became the person they are with the viewpoints they have, what experiences they may or not may have compared to ours. Finally, if you are very angry at the world, then it will be impossible to practice UPR as you might also be very angry at yourself deep down. Getting to the point we can practice UPR is a journey of self as much as other, and it’s a very committed evolved journey, it doesn’t happen overnight, hence at therapy school you practice for years. Some people never manage to maintain it all the time. Some people fall into it naturally as if it’s their personality and are able to work with clients who are, say, jailed for murder and maintain UPR and empathy. In summary, it’s a matter of doing our best and staying on the journey of self development and empathy. Best, HT.