“I Think I Was Abused as a Child” – What to Do Now
By: fotologic
“I think I was abused as a child, what do I do now?”
Do you have symptoms that might mean you were sexually abused as a child? Or are you having snippets of what seem repressed memories flashing through your head, and you are worried they are real?
“I Think I Was Abused” – What to Do Next
Here are the steps to take to protect your mental health while navigating worries or memories about abuse.
1. Don’t immediately accuse people.
Rage is a common response if we suddenly suspect we were abused.
Many people experience a a strong impulse to go after the abuser, or call everyone that knows them to let them know “I think I was abused by this person”. It can seem, in the moment, the ‘right thing to do’.
But here’s the thing. Discovering you might have been abused puts you in a very vulnerable mental and emotional state. Even if anger and the cortisol rush of stress is making you feel energised and powerful, you aren’t. If someone turns around and accuses you of being dishonest, or picks a fight you aren’t ready for, not only might you lose support from people you need on your side, you might find your mental health deteriorating quickly.
It’s not that you can’t or shouldn’t make a case of abuse! It’s that the best time to do so is when you have had time to work through your emotions and thoughts and are feeling more stable. And it’s also something to do when you have support to help you navigate any fallout.
2. Don’t assume just because you have symptoms you were sexually abused.
By: Martin Cooper
Sexual abuse is sadly common. It’s estimated one in four children experiences some sort of sexual abuse. The reality might be higher. And many people block out memories of sexual abuse. So yes, maybe you were abused.
At the same time, the symptoms of sexual abuse – dissociation, depression, body image issues, low self-esteem, promiscuity – can also be from other sorts of trauma and adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).
In our society sexual abuse has the most shame around it of all traumas. So it becomes the one we all assume is the problem if we have symptoms but no memories. But this means other very real and also serious traumas and mental health problems which might be the actual issue can get overlooked.
The best thing to do here is to accept that something has happened to give you mental health symptoms. It might be some sort of abuse. Then reach our for professional support for the symptoms, tell your therapist what you suspect, and take time to work together and see what surfaces.
3. Don’t obsess over exactly what happened, obsess over what you are going to do next.
By: Robert Nunnally
One of the easiest ways to completely re-traumatise yourself is to become obsessed about knowing ‘exactly what happened’.
Of course this is normal, and is part of many people’s process of healing. We want to know the details. And it’s okay to feel really angry, frustrated and sad that you can’t get the facts.
But until someone builds a time machine, we can’t go back in time and find out exactly what happened to us. We simply do not have any control over finding out the exact facts. All we can do is accept that something difficult and tragic happened, and we have some facts but not all. And then we can focus on what we DO have facts and proof about – our symptoms.
You can’t change the past but you can work to manage your symptoms. And that is what is actually going to help you progress towards healing, not obsessing on details you’ll never be sure of.
4. Minimise other stressors.
Learning we might have been abused is an incredibly difficult and draining process. It is not the time to take on anything new if you don’t have to. Now is not the time to look for a new job, pick a fight with a friend, or set a challenging goal.
In fact it’s the time to lessen any unnecessary stressors. Are there social events you can say no to? Obligations you can back out of? You need down time to process your emotions and be with those who support you.
The only new thing you want to be doing here is building a support team and seeking out help, like therapy, self-help books, and support groups.
5. Up your self care to the maximum.
This is absolutely the time to be as kind and gentle with yourself as possible.
Yes, you might want to binge on all the food in the refrigerator or drink an entire bottle of wine yourself. But here’s the thing – this is self abuse. Isn’t it enough that there is abuse in your past?
How can you send a message to yourself you deserve to be taken care of? Can you go to bed early, say no to the social event you don’t want to go to, start taking long walks, take that bubblebath you always mean to but don’t get around to?
6. Do find support.
Be wary of reaching out to people who won’t be able to handle your experience. Feeling letdown is just one more thing to feel bad about you don’t need.
And be careful you don’t mistakenly turn to someone who is a gossip. It’s up to you when, how and if other people find out about your experience, not someone else.
If it is possible to reach out to more than one person, that is ideal. Working through abuse memories can mean you need a lot of support, and it isn’t always fair to expect one person to provide all that.
This is why it’s also highly recommended to find any and all support elsewhere. There are online forums which can be useful, and you might want to consider a support group. Google to see if there is one in your area.
If you are feeling desperate, or are having suicidal thoughts, reach out to a free helpline. Read our article on “Mental Health Helplines Available in the UK“.
Why it’s so important to seek professional support for sexual abuse
Thinking we were abused attacks our sense of being safe in the world. So it tends to cause anxiety and panic. If you already had anxiety or other mental health issues, they can worsen.
And if memories of abuse start to surface, then you can also start to experience symptoms of trauma. This can look like feeling dissociated from reality, being jumpy and edgy, having huge emotions you don’t understand, and wanting to hide away from the world.
Without support, it can all spiral into a mental breakdown or self-abusive behaviour including self-harm.
Some people do try to navigate abuse in childhood themselves. Over many years they might reach a level of acceptance. But that same level of acceptance can be achieved in a fraction of the time with the right support.
Why leave yourself to live a half-life when help is actually available?
Would you like to speak to a highly trained, warm and friendly therapist who can help you if you think you were sexually abused? We connect you with top therapists in central London locations, and now worldwide via our new platform where you can book Skype and phone therapy quickly and easily.
Still have a question about what do do if you are feeling “I think I was abused?”. Post below in our public comment box.
Recently, I’ve been feeling like a terrible person. I cannot shake this thought. I am very privileged and in all ways other than mental am living an amazing life right now. I am about to graduate from high school, and I am surrounded by family and many friends who love me very much. However, I can’t stop thinking about the possibility that I have done something horrible that I can’t remember. Thinking I might have been an abuser of others when I was a younger child, I have been thoroughly scouring my memories to make sure I have a clean conscious. However, after reading one of your articles I believe I am some sort of abuser. When I was very young I would engage in sexual play with my neighbor, and even though I really had no way of knowing what I was doing was wrong (or did I? I am really doubting my own memories now), it still was perhaps some sort of abuse. We are still friends and she (as far as I can tell) is in no way apprehensive of me and still comes over to hang out on occasion. I have also engaged in “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” type activity with other kids, and due to this history and the fact that I know I have always been a pretty sexual person, there is some slight chance that I have done this kind of thing, maybe unwillingly, with other kids and I’m just not remembering it. When I was going thru puberty and sexually maturing I had many many fantasies, some of them really make me squirm now, and sometimes I wonder if they were just my imagination or if I actually did something like that to a much younger child. Now I go out of my way to not touch people, especially kids, and I am very very aware of my words and actions. Sometimes I feel good and can tell myself confidently that I am a good person and that I have not engaged in non-consensual and potentially traumatizing sexual activities, but sometimes I feel awful and, to be honest, near-suicidal. Any advice on this dilemma? Thank you for reading this
Henry, thank you for sharing this, it’s very brave, and I’m sure other readers out there will have shared your experience. We can’t give you ‘perfect’ answers as obviously we don’t know you, and we can’t give any kind of ‘diagnosis’ over the internet or a comment box. But a few general things to think about. It actually sounds like you are suffering from a lot of anxiety and depression, you even mention suicidal thoughts. Out of all those loving friends and family members, do you have someone to really talk to? Or are you actually pretending all is great? As that doesn’t sound such a perfect life…… that sounds like a lot of pressure to pretend things are ok. First, you are not a terrible person, you are a human, and being a human is tricky at times. And at some point we all mess up, hurt others, etcetera. What is important is intent. You say did not intend to do things to harm others, and now you feel terrible. You are making an effort to figure this out. That is commendable. And all this said, we aren’t sure what happened. If it was games of “I’ll show me yours, you show me mine” this is actually normal behaviour. Children are naturally curious about bodies, some more than others. Many children engage in mutual touching games. There is however a line that this can cross over from normal to troublesome, there is a good infographic on this page https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/preschool/Pages/Sexual-Behaviors-Young-Children.aspx. But if it was just a child’s game of ‘show me yours’ that doesn’t cross the boundaries mentioned in the infographic, and you feel bad about it, couldn’t you talk to your friend openly and honestly about it? As for sexual fantasies, fantasies are often wild and ‘out there’, that’s why they are fantasies and not reality. And unless you are having fantasies of abusing children, then they are not a huge concern. So without knowing the whole story, we’d say, your experience might be unharmful. If the sexual play between you and other kids was more than just show and tell, then we’d point out that can be a sign you were abused yourself, as can having fantasies about abusing children (if that is what the fantasies are about, again, we don’t know). Nobody is born with a desire to abuse a child, they are generally abused themselves and it becomes a cycle. Abused children can act out by then abusing others. In summary, we suspect somehow there might be a lot more going on for you. It might just be, given how hard on yourself you seem, that you feel you have to be perfect all the time, and this is giving you severe anxiety which is manifesting as thinking you are an abuser. It might be, if the experiences were more than just touching and the fantasies about abusing kids, that you have some past trauma to look at. In summary, we’d HIGHLY recommend you seek professional support as soon as possible. Suicidal urges are serious. If you are in the UK, there are free help lines where you can talk to really understanding volunteers who do not judge http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines if you are in the USA, do a google for some. Then we’d say, can you ask your parents for help finding counselling? There are tips to do so here http://bit.ly/2mtpPum or if not read our article on tips for getting mental health help as a teen here http://bit.ly/teenmentalthealthhelp. We wish you courage and hope you find some support soon!Until then, try to go a little easier on yourself. You don’t have to be ‘good’ all the time. It’s okay to be sad, angry, and sometimes to do stupid things. You are doing the best you can, and that is all anyone can hope for.
Thank you so much. I think this is what I needed to hear. While I do not think I was abused, I was exposed to pornography quite young. Even before that, when I was engaged in sexual play with friends of a similar age, I looked at the infographic provided above and I see that the activities were very much normal. As for the porn at a young age, this probably contributed to my really advanced fantasies. Again, thank you very much for this advice Harley Therapy. Also, I have a good psychologist at school who can help me through some of this stuff.
Great to hear Henry! Sounds like you are under stress and going through anxiety. Anxiety throws us into a state of fear with overwhelming, illogical thoughts, and we can obsess on certain things……
Am adaeze and am 18 now
I don’t know where to start and I feel like living this world.
When I was 5-6years we have a driver in our house and I wasnt close to my parents, I never knew I was abused till I entered secondary school when they started talking about sex,I felt that I was lacking something
My mother never gave me an advise as a child.i wanted to tell her but she never cared I feel like dieing because am feeling the consequences now
Daizy we are sorry you are feeling so bad. But you are more than this one situation, this one trauma, you are a young woman who probably has many things to offer others and the world, please do not let this situation win. What you need is someone you can trust and talk to. Is there someone you can talk to? A trusted friend? Is there a counsellor at school? Is there a free help line in your country for teenagers? (If by chance you are in the UK you can find them here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines). Not only is childhood trauma difficult, being 18 is difficult. Try to take things one day at at time. Seek someone to talk to. And read our article on self compassion. If you feel completely let down by the world, remember that you don’t have to let YOURSELF down. Try each day to treat yourself as your own friend. http://bit.ly/selfcompassionlearn. Ideally you could talk to a counsellor. Is there any chance of that in your situation? (We don’t know what country you are in)
Hi I think I was sexually abused at a young age before I was 14 when I was 15 years old I lost my memory after a prolonged three hour panic attack at school I am 26 years old now after my severe amnesia state I could not remember my name or anyone I spoke like a child and had panic attacks for months I have not got my memories back but still speak like a child feeling four and seven I have a bear and started self harming when I was 18 I self harm occasionally every month I regress a lot haven’t had a relationship I want my memories back but I know they never will come back I am rebering events before I was sixteen and certain disturbing incidents but as it’s a family member I won’t post on here I am 26 and have huge dissociation whenever I see a younger girl I burst into tears self harm makes everything better I can manage it so I won’t stop
Hi Jess. We understand that self harm can feel like it ‘works’. It’s a coping mechanism. And when we are feeling really desperate it creates a little window where our painful thoughts and emotions are numbed. But as you can see, it’s not working long-term. The pain keeps coming back. You are experiencing serious symptoms – dissociation, regression. You have to seek support. If you are on a low budget, read our article on how to find free to low cost counselling http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and if you want to talk to your parents so that they can help you find support, we also have an article on this here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. If you are in the UK also look at our list of free help lines you can use where trained listeners are very nice and happy to help http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines
I’m a 20 years old female and I have almost all symptoms of having being abused as a child. I suffer from depression and anxiety since I was just 7, and even though sometimes I get a bit better, it always come back. About a year or two ago (when I happened to suffer a form of abuse through the internet by my class mate who also was my male best friend) I started to put the pieces together and now I think I might have been sexually abused as a child, probably somewhere between 2 and 6 years old. I have some very specific memories from when I was 4~6, like names from people I’ve never seen again, but, in general, I barely remember a thing from that time, and even less before that (but I guess it’s normal since I was too young). I have a really anxious profile compared to my twin sister and I tend to develop a lot of phobias, most of them being temporary, but some (such as aichmophobia and androphobia) are long lasting. Also, I slept in my mom’s bed until I was like 12 because I was too scared to sleep alone or just with my twin. Now I actually remember saying something about dreaming of an old bald man with a big nose laughing at me or something when I was around 4 or 5 years old, but, curiously enough, I had forgotten about having those dreams until some time ago. I went through a lot of therapists while growing up, and all of them asked me if I was abused and I always said no, even though denying it felt strange for some reason. One of my other diagnosis is alexithymia, so I don’t really know how to express myself, but I’m getting tired of feeling like this, I always feel like the worst person alive, I’m scared of too many things, and not leaving my room (and locking the door) has become a routine every since I got a separate bedroom from my twin like 5 years ago. I always had a very low self esteem, to the point of developing anorexia and bulimia at 9, and also even to this day I always feel guilty about everything, even when it’s clearly not my fault or when there’s nothing to feel guilty about. I have extreme trust issues, had various episodes of self harm since I was 13, tried suicide 2 times and recently I was admitted to a psychiatric clinic. Also I never really liked the idea of sex and always considered myself to be asexual, even though I feel romantic feelings toward men (rarely, but I do), and it’s almost like I physically can’t talk about sex out loud, because I feel sick and nervous. And I just keep thinking that there’s something bigger behind all that, something that I don’t remeber (in this case, abuse). I look at the photographs and I was such a hapoy child, I loved to wear makeup and dress in cute clothes, and I keep wondering why at some point I suddenly stopped being who I was. Well, there’s a lot more I could say here, but the thing is, I’m too embarrassed to talk about all of this to my therapist or anyone else (just saying it here with a fake name and with the guarantee that no one will know who I am and because I’m from another country), I feel like no one will take me seriously and I fear I’ll be humiliated just by suggesting something might have happened because I never mentioned anything about it and because it sounds a bit too dramatic and absurd, but I don’t know what to do. I’m also afraid of bringing this possibility up and in the end it not being true, I’ll feel like I lied. I feel like I have all the signs, but I can’t express them because either I don’t know how, or I’m too embarrassed to do so and I’ll feel guilty if I say something without any proof and end up being ridiculed
Hi Sarah, sounds like you’ve been going through a lot. Statistics estimate 1 in 4 or 5 (depending on the research you look at) children went through abuse. The reality is probably higher. We say this just to present this scenario. If you met one of these many, many people who suffered abuse, would you want them to hide it? Would you make them feel ashamed for talking about it? Or would you think they did something wrong? Or treat them as if they did? Unless they ‘proved’ it? Because….then why are you treating yourself that way? While talking with your family might be tricky, and now might not be the moment, talking about abuse with a therapist is the most normal thing. Therapists hear it a lot, and they don’t judge. They are trained in dealing with abuse and trauma. That is what they are there for, to hear and help with everything. And for therapy to work, you need to trust your therapist. Yes, there are bad therapists out there, this is true. Is there a reason you feel you can’t trust your therapist? Are they sharing what you share with your parents? They shouldn’t be….As for ‘true/not true’ as we talk about in the article and other comment responses, you’ll never know for sure, unless we find a time machine. What matters is getting support to talk through your feelings and symptoms and find ways to feel better. In the end it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, what matters is that you find ways to feel better and more stable. If it helps, start talking about it by being very honest that, ‘I’m worried I was abused but really am not sure, I worry have the symptoms, but I can’t be sure. But can we talk about this worry?”? Any therapist with any skill will be more than happy to discuss this. And even if for some strange reason it doesn’t go well, could it really be worse than all this tremendous anxiety you are already going through around it? We wish you courage.
Hi.
I have been reading your site and I feel like I have symptoms of child abuse but can’t fully remember. I’m 27 now. My mum and dad got divorced when I was around 2? My dad had an affair with a woman who later he got partial custody of me. I remember some hazy foggy memories of him coming home drunk And kissing me, I did t like it because he would smell awful. (I don’t know if this is him just being loving or if it was abuse) but then I have another memory of him actually carrying on for sometime… I don’t think he ever touched me but if I can’t fully remember could he have? He used to start arguments with his wife so I was exposed to domestic violence a lot… and have seen him hit her. I have an awful feeling this was because of me? I used to deface one of my dolls by putting pins in her eyes and making her look like a goth barbie almost like a voodoo doll. I used to get really aggressive and have bursts of anger and I still do now and I feel guilty for almost everything. I just don’t know what to do I don’t know if I was to suppress these memories as me and my dad have an okay relationship… we don’t talk much but meet up every other month for a meal and a catch up. I feel so lost with these memories. I also had sexual experiences when I was 7 with my cousin and we would okay “mummy’s and daddy’s” and I also wet the bed right up to being 11. I was exposed to pornography at house Where there were older kids and they were laughing at it when they showed me when I was about 9? It’s something I haven’t really thought of until the last three years but all these memories are slowly coming back
Hi H, we can’t say based on this limited info, we’d need to know you and do several sessions, and even then many of us don’t know what happened but just have to work with symptoms. We would say don’t jump to conclusions based on this info you have given. Emotional abuse and neglect can cause very similar symptoms to sexual abuse. They are both trauma. So you could have trouble with relationships, anxiety, guilt, shame, depression, etc from emotional abuse and neglect and from witnessing violence etc. As for the child sexual play, we have a new article on it here https://bit.ly/childplayabuse. It’s normal for kids to engage in sexual play and look at pornography, but it can sometimes be abuse, as the article explains. Then we advise reading our article on what to do if you think you were abused http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse. Finally, what is clear is that your childhood was unstable and it’s resulted in anxiety for you and you do need support. We would highly advise you seek counselling or therapy to talk this through. Best, HT.