Countertransference – When Your Therapist Loses Objectivity
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 6, 2023
By: Icare Girard
by Andrea M. Darcy
At heart, therapy is a relationship between a client and a therapist. And, like any relationship, sometimes the boundaries can get tricky.
There are two words related to this in therapy – transference and countertransference.
Transference is when you unwittingly put feelings for someone from your past onto your therapist. For example, you might find yourself acting rebellious around your older male therapist, showing up late and being rude. This could be a case of unconsciously identifying your therapist with your rather controlling father (read our piece – “How to Handle Transference‘ – for more).
Countertransference runs the other way. It is when your therapist puts his or her emotions and experiences onto you.
A term coined by Freud himself, the term was originally used to refer to a therapist’s reaction to transference. Nowadays it is also used to describe any emotional entanglement where a therapist does not maintain professional objectivity and boundaries.
What does countertransference look like?
Yes, a therapist developing a romantic interest in a client is countertransference, and the sort we see most about in the media. But it’s only one form.
Countertransference is present whenever a therapist brings in their own experiences to the extent they lose perspective of yours. It is there when their emotions from their own past and life colour their response to you, or they let their personal opinions stop them from being objective. It involves a therapist mistakenly prioritising his or her emotions and needs over yours.
This includes when a therapist does the following:
- takes out a bad mood on you, being snappy for no particular reason
- shares too many stories about themselves (over-identifying with your stories)
- offering sympathy instead of just empathy (again, over-identifying)
- issues judgements related to their perspective not yours, such as a therapist going through a divorce making negative comments about your spouse when you tell a story of her/him
- offering a lot of advice instead of just listening and reflecting and letting you decide on your next actions
- pushes you to take an action you don’t feel ready for
- is too worried about you as if they want to ‘save’ you
- asks you for irrelevant details (over investing in your story)
- wants to relate outside the therapy room
- gets angry with you over a belief you share they don’t agree with, no matter how unpopular your viewpoint
What about countertransference as a response to transference?
By: thekirbster
The example of transference above was a client being rebellious and rude to a therapist who is triggering memories of their father.
An appropriate therapist response would be to talk to the client about the lateness, or notice and ask questions about the rebellious attitude to find its cause. If the therapist recognised that he was being seen as a father figure, he could then use this as a springboard to explore the client’s father issues and how it affects his or her other relationships.
Countertransference , however, would look like a therapist allowing himself to be offended (perhaps bringing in annoyance towards his own child who had been misbehaving lately). It would be in the therapist reacting by being strict or stern, or even bringing in forms of ‘punishment’ such as cutting ten minutes off the session for each five minutes you are late.
The difference in responses here makes it clear how countertransference can shut down, instead of forward, a client’s progress.
What stops countertransference?
First of all, a therapist’s training. Proper training at a good school means a therapist is very aware of countertransference and knows how to self monitor and manage such impulses.
Second is a therapist’s experience. The more experience a therapist has, the more they know their own reactions to clients. And the more they know how to set personal boundaries.
Third is supervision. Therapists working for an organisation as well as for some umbrella therapy companies will all have a supervisor they check in with (while still maintaining their clients’ privacy). If you choose to work with a solo practitioner, this might be one of the questions you choose to ask them in your first session. Do they have anyone supervising or supporting them?
A brief history of countertransference
By: Abhijit Bhaduri
Countertransference is a term attributed to Freud. He felt it important to keep very strict boundaries between himself and clients. His first written record of the term is in a letter to Jung. Freud tactfully advised Jung to not get personally involved with a certain client. (Jung was less concerned with clear boundaries with patients and did indeed get involved with the woman).
The concept of countertransference has almost always been questioned. In 1919 a close associate of Freud, Hungarian psychoanalyst Sadnor Ferenczi, wrote that he worried a therapist being too clinical and unemotional could come across as a sort of ‘freeze-out’ to the patient. He felt this would halt a patient’s progress, not promote it.
Countertransference is a concept that is still heavily questioned today. Freud himself eentually questioned it, in much later correspondence with Jung.
Different therapies and their approach to countertransference
Classical Freudian psychotherapy, or ‘psychoanalysis’, still maintains perhaps the greatest distance between therapist and client. It is the type of therapy where media clichés of an aloof therapist watching over a client on a couch come from.
Many modern forms of therapy, however, now believe a personal bond between therapist and client is not only to be expected, it is helpful. Schema therapy in particular believe that this bond should be fostered. It encourages something it calls ‘limited reparenting’, where the therapist stands in for the healthy parent the client never had.
When countertransference can be useful
Conscious transference is when a therapist chooses to share the affect the client is having on their feelings. It can also involve a therapist sharing an experience they have that relates to what a client is sharing, if appropriate.
Why would this be useful? It can help in the following ways:
- the client and therapist understand each other better
- it allows trust to grow (the client does not sense the therapist is hiding things)
- clients can gain a clearer perspective of their affect on other people
- new ideas can grow about how the client can interrelate affectively with friends and family
In summary, unlike unhelpful countertransference that is geared to the therapist’s needs, useful countertransference is carefully geared to the client and intended to positively assist their growth.
What do I do if I think my therapist is experiencing countertransference?
Bring it up in a session if you feel comfortable and safe doing so. A professional therapist should deal with it well, listening and staying calm. Of course be prepared to listen to what they have to say. It might be that you have also been seeing them in ways that involve transference.
You might want to consider getting a second opinion. This could involve asking to speak to their supervisor or speaking to the clinical director.
If it doesn’t go well, or the countertransference continues, try not to give up on therapy itself . Instead, seek a new therapist who is more appropriate.
Of course if your therapist at all crosses the boundary of patient respect, do not put yourself in a vulnerable situation. Don’t return and report them to the professional boards, or the authorities if relevant.
Harley Therapy is an umbrella organisation that only works with therapists trained in well-respected institutions and who have a minimum of five-years clinical experience. You can begin therapy with our therapists at three London locations or worldwide via online therapy.
Andrea M. Darcy is a health and wellbeing writer as well as mentor who often writes about trauma, relationships, and ADHD. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
Hello,
I just have a quick question about counter-transference. In one of my textbooks I’m using there is a question that asked which scenario is counter-transference and I’m sure I’m just overthink the answer but I can’t decide which one is right. The scenarios are: a) not wanting to give a client a massage, b) a client asking personal questions or c) going out to lunch with a client. I think its the second one but I wasn’t 100% sure.
Thank you so much!
It would be going out to lunch with a client, I’m afraid. With the second one, if the therapist then answered all the questions and spent the session talking about him or herself, not adept enough at diverting the client back to their own issues, it would be countertransference. But a client asking personal questions by itself is just a client testing a therapist’s boundaries, not countertransference, it’s only in how the therapist reacted to that that any countertransference could be present.
How can use information on transference , countertrasference and resistance to help in my practice?
Thanks,
Hi Alicia, it’s a very big question, do you mean your therapy practice? It’s something any professional and accredited training course in counselling or therapy covers.
I am still under divorce trauma, one day I noted my therapist wore a ring (which I thought was just a piece of ordinary jewelry) it reminded my failed marriage and I felt a bit hurt. I told my therapist the following session how I felt. All of a sudden she said yeah since couple of months ago I am wearing the ring and I am getting married in a short while.
In no intention I was asking her and she disclosed it…
I congratulated her but still, I felt hurt, because it reminded my unsuccessful marriage again.
In this case it sounds like transference not counter transference. Your therapist is a person with a life, she’s free to get married and wear a wedding ring and that has nothing to do with her clients, it’s her personal life. You are transferring your pain and rage onto her. If you are still upset about it you should tell her again and be more honest about how you feel, aka, that you feel angry she has that ring on. It can be a doorway to explore. She’s a therapist, she’ll understand. Otherwise all this resentment is going to get in the way of your therapy.
My therapist texted me on a Sunday after I had a date on Saturday because she’d asked me to text after my date and I hadn’t texted her yet because needed space and I was actually in a trigger and didn’t want to reach out. Since I was in a reactive place my response was curt. I said he wouldn’t stop talking and she said maybe he was nervous and I said ‘yes I’m aware, there’s more to it. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow in our session and she texted me back saying maybe I didn’t mean to but my text felt like a slap. I apologized but then got more triggered and basically freaked out and asked her if she was going to stop working with me. She didn’t respond but started our session the next day asking me why I didn’t realize I was in transference and that I knew Sunday’s were her day off and that it would be sad if we couldn’t text anymore. She was upset. I felt so small and bad about the whole thing and ashamed that I didn’t stop my reaction in our text exchange but when to an old place. So was she in countertransference? When she said we couldn’t text anymore like we had I felt abandoned suddenly. I wish I’d been in a more mature place when she’d texted but I was stuck in my reactivity about her forceful way in general in my life.
Hi Jill, given that you also left a comment about your therapist telling you to have an affair, and now you are telling us that you and your therapist text, we are rather miffed. None of this is normal therapist behaviour. It sounds like a lot of boundaries are being crossed. Most therapists do NOT have text relationships with their clients and certainly would not start this sort of little dispute. What sort of therapy is this? Where did you find this therapist, is she registered, where did she do her training? Unless you are doing schema therapy for borderline personality disorder, in which case the therapist can do ‘reparenting’, and might offer limited contact between appointments. But even so, none of this behaviour you are talking about is at all normal or showing any signs of clear boundaries.
Thank you for your reply. Regarding the affair, she put the idea in my head and though she didn’t say ‘Do it’ she was the one to put it in the pile as an option after I told her I was happy I declined. She painted a picture of what it would be like to have the affair and made it sound so exciting, that I may not meet someone again with such a strong connection, and get me in touch with my sexuality in new ways, etc. She also did the same with me getting 2 dogs. She researched breeds, convinced me of breeds I initially didn’t like and then spent sessions talking all about dogs and how to train them. The second dog I was trying to tell her I didn’t want one at that time. I’d already been in contact with breeders and when o was clear and said O have reservations she said the breeders could feel my indecision and I had to act and she countered and negated every reason I mentioned for not wanting a dog at that time.
Anyways, I stopped working with her recently. A serious health crisis woke me up. I had phone sessions with her for 14 years, twice a week. She let me email and text her and I wish she’d set a boundary around that. She was in my head. I was emeshed. She’d tell me about her boyfriend, use her own life experiences to ‘teach’ me about relationship rather than work with the content of my life. It’s sad. I started working with her when I was 23, I was lost shattered and dissociated from complex PTSD and she told me I didn’t have a self and met me in my suffering. It was in person to start but we both moved. I didn’t realize I needed in person trauma work. She just kept telling me how mean I was to myself and I just had to tell my superego to stop. She’s not licensed and is trained in an alternative modality. And just sad situation overall that I let her authority come before my own inner knowing. And it’s too bad becuase I needed a therapist to help me stand in my own authority/individuate and look at my pattern of giving my voice away. And also teach me about being safe and regulating my nervous system so I don’t act from my hyperaroused place.
Hi Jill, we always recommend working with a licensed and registered therapist.
Can you suggest any articles or resources to underline that counter-transference issues are not the fault of the client. This is for a new client whose prior therapist crossed boundaries (admitting counter-transference) by acting as a friend (non-sexual) to client while continuing as their therapist, then abandoned client and withdrew all contact. This has traumatized client, who feels it must something wrong with them and is grieving the loss. Thank you.
Hi Marilyn, the dynamics within a therapeutic relationship, both transference and counter-transference, are highly nuanced and very individual so it’s hard to comment. Regarding other references, nothing coming to mind, but will ask around and post if I find anything. Best, the Editor
My last therapy session, strange thing happened. I have a lot of trauma from childhood, violent abuse and sexual abuse and I am in therapy to make a meaning out of my story – something I never talked about with anyone other than siblings who had similar experiences.
I started the therapy sharing my recent experiences of extreme procrastination due to my school work and loss of motivation for my goals. Therapist said could this be due to Covid19? I said maybe but I have been quite integrative recently and feel the void of people interaction is making me see myself clearly as I can get lost in relationships and interactions, so I am actually enjoying being alone with my husband and dog. So I go on try to articulate my inner feelings. Then she asked me again could it be my travel plans that have been thwarted recently (big trip and small trips cancelled due to Covid19), I said maybe but I feel more emotionally drained and that my reaction is too steep to trip cancelation (which also happened before to me…I travel a lot). Again I keep going trying to explain how my school work is triggering me too far off from today’s issues. Then I said I feel as if I do not trust people and there is this fundamental feeling that I do not trust people maybe not 100% but a very deep way. She said could this be the splits you speak about sometimes that you are split and one split is your trauma that does not trust others and the other split is you trust others. Every time she interrupts my trail of thought, I was quiet for while to let her questions sink (which tells me at the moment, I was not fragmented but was fully integrated), so I said I feel now I am not in split and actually I feel I do not trust you but the fact I am telling you this also makes me feel I trust you. After this my therapist lost something in her and started to speak over me (which rendered me quiet) and said that could be untrusting me to others? She understands me 100% believe me she said that she understands me 100% (in the past few times she said she does not understand me) so I was confused. Regardless, the next few minutes, she berated me about how much she understands me. How hard she tries to understand me but will not lose her self and has her own defenses, and countertransferences and past and has to be honest. Thank goodness I was in the present. I was quiet and then I said I do not feel safe. And she kept asking me to respond and I said I feel silence is OK sometimes. Anyhow, I felt shut down but also hold myself (I experienced dissociation as part of my ptsd). I am utterly confused. I worked with her over a year.
Maybe this is projective identification, but I was not out of my body, in fact, for a long time, I felt aligned. If anything, I was expressing feelings very well and was feeling my body. Long story short, our next meeting is long weekend so I agreed to a month from now meeting. Now my question is what to do? I feel (and felt) she is having a bad day or was triggered but I caught myself falling into caring or soothing so I stayed in my own space so to speak. Now I still want to work with her even though I found her frustrating, uncaring and sometimes maybe undermining, I also know a lot of my transferences are similar BUT I have recovered, and integrated a lot while working with her. I am invested in recovering and making meaning out of my story from childhood. I have high tolerance for high frustration due to my trauma, but I am also realistic and do not put myself under the care of immature or abusive professional now I am just wondering what my next steps are. My gut says to start repair is her responsibility but also if I had a blow up like that with my husband my responsibility would be 50/50 but here, I feel I need her initiation to move the relationship forward and I am open but do not want to initiate apology. I do not feel apology admitting I do nt trust her was extremely freeing for me and did not take anything from me. I am not sure how to approach or respond…and maybe no one knows but I feel concern for her but also I want to move beyond this and get back to my journey but I am afraid of bad energy with her.
Hi there. We see a lot of red flags here. For starters, a good therapist reflects back, doesn’t try to put ideas in to a client’s head. So we find her feedback more directional than it should be, in our books. It’s as if she’s trying to control what direction you take. Secondly, discussing trust issues with a therapist should not be reacted to like that. It’s normal and expected for clients to experience trust issues. It should be a springboard for what is raising your trust issues, not a personal battle between you. So we don’t know what to tell you. Changing therapists can be hard, and, as you say, there have been benefits. But if it really went down like this, we would say there are certainly better therapists out there (as well as worse! Sadly, therapists are people, and like any job, some just aren’t good at it). Yes, therapists are people, they can mess up. So if she apologises, it could mean you break through to new levels of trust. If she doesn’t, then you might need to decide what comes next.
Hi. I’ve been in therapy for a year. Lost my 10 year therapist to unexpected brain cancer. This therapist has always been genuinely caring, supportive and kind. She encouraged me to talk about my anger. I said not a good idea. Anyways, I drank 2 drinks and emailed with angry feeling from past and tons of transference. (I’m a psychologist). Well I apologized but she was angry, denied it. For the past 3 weeks, in every session, she is giving me more and more boundary rules. She sternly told me 2 times she has no problem enforcing rules, she told me last session sternly that she was my therapist and not my friend, she told me last session I could only do zoom sessions if I didn’t get vaccinated before I sat my bottom down for our session, today I sent her an email and asked if we should take a week of to let things settle down because I felt we had a rupture to our relationship and I want us to repair it. She said we could still see each other this week in 2 days via zoom (person if I got shot), if that’s what I want but let her know. Since she has all these policies now she has been throwing at me, I sent her an email and asked her what her policy was if I had an emergency, she said this “Your daughter is your emergency contact person. If I am concerned for someone’s safety, I would call 911”. Wow…. this is some someone who highly values healthy relationships and encouraged me to reach our to her the whole year which I did a lot because of anxiety. I’m just shocked. I really care for her, but I want to hear what her side of the story is. I told her repeatedly I was sorry for things I said that hurt her. She denied all that… but geeze… she is trying to take a wonderful circle relationship and pound it into a square box that’s incredibly rigid with a hammer. I’m praying this is repairable. I’m going to try. I don’t want to start over again. It’s like she just shut down her heart. It’s breaking my heart. It’s got to be counter transference. Yikes… I’m sooo sad.
Hi there. So we are assuming you made a typo, and what you mean is that you lost a loved one, and therapy has only been in your life for one year, yes? So what we see here is a misunderstanding about professional boundaries, which would of course be very confusing and upsetting for you. Is this therapist registered with a professional body? Fully qualified? Did she make the rules of your professional relationship clear in the first intake session? As what you seem to be explaining here are not usual behaviours or ethical boundaries for a therapist. The relationship between a client and therapist is warm but professional. You are not friends, you are working together professionally, it’s more like colleagues. A professional therapist, unless they are perhaps a schema therapist, a particular type of therapy that can carefully encourage a closer bond (albeit still with clear precise professional boundaries), does not give out emails for messaging purposes outside of appointments, only for appointment cancellation or emergencies. You do not have contact during the week, you only go to your sessions, unless there is a mental health emergency such as you feel you are having a breakdown. Constant contact is not a part of professional therapy, it is not healthy for the client, it encourages dependency instead of resourcefulness. Some sorts of therapy (Jungian, psychoanalysis) involve 2 or 3 sessions a week, but even then, you don’t contact the therapist between sessions. The emergency contact etc should have been discussed in first session (and yes, would be your family or emergency services, much like a colleague would call your family or emergency services, again, this is a professional not personal relationship). The fact that you say you ‘really care for her’ or feel ‘heartbroken’ sends up red flags for us. A therapist should be monitoring if the relationship is losing clear boundaries and constantly bringing back the relationship to a connected, warm, but uniquely professional one. So this is not looking like counter transference at all. It’s either a non professional/trained ‘therapist’ encouraging unhealthy dependency, or a therapist who lost control of boundaries, or one who is perhaps new to the job and didn’t create a strong structure off the bat? Or, if she did set boundaries and you misunderstood, it would be transference, where perhaps you are assuming a stronger bond than there is. In therapy, clear structure and boundaries are necessary as otherwise the client is left confused, thinking the relationship is more than professional, which is destablising and not good for the client, which we can see you are now experiencing. We don’t know if this is salvageable, it’s between you two, but we think if she is a proper registered therapist and it could be a misunderstanding, a good conversation about what therapy is and isn’t so you are both on the same page might be in order. As for her not being angry, we don’t know why she would be angry, therapists are used to outbursts, they happen all the time, it’s part of the job (again, assuming she’s a proper trained and registered therapist) and remember, this is her job, try not to see it through the lens of a normal relationship. Is there any chance you often assume people are angry at you? Is there a person in your life who would get angry all the time? Again, with transference, as a client we attribute emotions from another life relationship to the therapist. Your therapist might just be uncomfortable, which is not the same as anger, or concerned about boundaries. We do understand you don’t want to start again, and perhaps a good conversation about what therapy is or isn’t and what boundaries are or aren’t could fix things here, we don’t know. We do know that therapists are human, disagreements happen. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. The disagreements are discussed, and can lead to useful work. But if changing is decided between you as the healthier option, we ‘d just advise to make sure you pick a registered qualified therapist. As for the vaccination thing, there’s a chance she’s decided that rule with all clients, and it’s an unfortunate coincidence she’s installing it this week, but vaccinating is your choice and not up to someone else. In summary, if she has been confusing you, she needs to clear that up, and it would be great if you had an honest talk. But unfortunately, whether or not she mislead you on this we don’t know, but therapy isn’t a friendship or about intimacy and caring, it involves empathy, naturally, but is a professional relationship, and this is also to protect the client, and keep the client stable and resourceful, so very much in your best interest. All the best, HT.
Four years after therapy experience and I still ruminate endlessly about the difficulty I had with the therapist. I told her lots of personal information and agreed to join her analytic group. Immediately I felt I had entered something I wanted to leave. I said so. A year of chasing my own tail and feeling stressed. It feels like a pseudo therapy because although intense my feelings are negative towards myself and the type of therapy. The anger and disappointment feel real but meaningless. I just wanted to get away from the therapist. So my question is “if a person feels negative about a therapist and modality from the start, is it possible that has nothing to do with transference?”
Hi Andrew, yes, it can have nothing at all to do with transference or countertransference and a lot to do with the fact that you and the therapist were not a fit nor was this the sort of therapy for you. Therapy is a relationship. it can be like dating, it can take a while to get the right ‘fit’. If we work with a therapist that isn’t a good fit it will not be effective. And not all therapy types are suitable for all people, far from it. Furthermore, therapists are people. Just because someone is a therapist does not make them 1) wiser than you 2) right about everything 3) magic 4) nice 5) or even a good therapist. Just like all doctors or lawyers are not good at their job or nice, therapists are a mixed bag as much as any other profession. The problem is that some therapists/associations/ insist on sticking to this outdated ‘mystique’ around therapy where they are the big special therapist and the client is the ‘patient’. This actually goes right back to big bad Freud, who, if you do even the faintest of research, you will discover was a mess in his own life but treated clients as ‘patients’ and himself as the all wise guru. Modern therapy is FAR from this idea, and there are tons of forms of therapy/therapists against it, who believe they are equals to the client, that the client has inner resources they simply can’t see, who work with you not in opposition to you. You say that it was ‘analytic’. Psychoanalysis is Freudian, it is the oldest form of therapy, and there are many people out there who feel it is outdated and unhelpful. That said, there might very well be great psychoanalytical therapists with a more modern bent or who are integrative, also mixing in other traditions, and who help certain people a great deal. It’s a unique thing, each therapist is unique and each client is unique. So we are not saying psychoanalysis is bad, not at all, but that it is controversial and not for everyone. Regardless, clearly it was the wrong therapy for you. You were not comfortable, and yet somehow you stayed.Unfortunately, the very things that have many people going to therapy – a lack of boundaries and personal power or identity, and attachment issues, for example – leave someone feeling at the mercy of the world and others, they don’t know how to stick up for themselves or be in their power or to listen to themselves. So it’s a tricky territory, and we don’t know you or her so we have no idea what went on. She could very well say you should have left. Someone else might say as a therapist if you were not a good fit she should have recognised it. But maybe you present a false self that seems content and she didn’t see past it, we don’t know. A lot of people who grew up in homes where they had to be ‘good’ or ‘perfect’ to get the love they need are so adept at seeming what they are not they are such highly talented shapeshifters they can fool even a good therapist and they need to find a therapist who understands this sort of attachment issue. We simply don’t know, we can’t say. All we CAN say with certainty is that 1) this is one therapist and one form of therapy and far from what all therapy is like 2) you are a powerful person who has the right to choose what he wants and doesn’t want to do. We’d also say just even from this little comment it’s clear to us that psychoanalysis would be an awkward fit. You’d benefit more from a therapy that helped you with emotional regulation, we’d guess as well there was some sort of trauma or severe difficulty in your past, that has left you extremely sensitive and with a brain addicted to rumination. So there are short-term therapies that help you stablise and have better relating skills before you do something where you have to talk about your past which can destabilise you, such as EMDR, CBT, BWRT and clinical hypnotherapy. We then suspect schema therapy in particular would be the right fit for you, it is very good with attachment issues and is the opposite of analysis in that the therapist develops a very warm relationship with you. Finally, group therapy is not for everyone either. Anyway that’s a big ramble to say, don’t give up on yourself and therapy, gather your courage and learn how to pick wisely next time, and talk about this experience immediately with a future therapist if you do give it a whirl again, as they can help you process this. We have several articles on here you can find with the search bar or topics about how to find a therapist that might help. Oh, and as for all the personal stuff you told her, try not to worry about that. Not only is she obligated to keep it all to herself (assuming she is accredited and registered) but she will have taken on so much more information since then it very unlikely she thinks of any of it at all. Remember, therapists hear secrets and truths all the time, in an endless stream, as part of their job. They aren’t computers, and a lot of it just gets forgotten, to be honest, once you are no longer working together. Best, HT.
I found this article searching for an explanation. This was published six years ago but wow, is it relevant. My experience was with my psychiatrist whom I also saw for therapy twice a week. I saw him for over ten years for Complex PTSD resulting from childhood sexual abuse. The majority of our work together was fine from what I can remember, I dissociated a lot. At some point in therapy I developed transference feelings towards him. I was aware enough to realize what was going on and brought it up with him in a session. I felt that it would be worth exploring and talking about so that I could move towards healing. I transferred my feelings about my abuser onto him. He felt that it was time for me to talk about my abuse but I wasn’t ready. In this time I was struggling with a lot of things at once. One problem was my body image and an eating disorder. When I’d bring up my poor body image he’d say “don’t guys hit on you all the time?” Which caught me by surprise and I’d say “no.” To which he’d reply ” you must not be paying attention. ” That made me much more uncomfortable to talk about details about my abuse. I was afraid to talk about these intimate details with him. I was afraid he would enjoy hearing them or something. Again, this was my transference issue. So, one day I asked him if he was attracted to me and he said ” when two people meet in a small space twice a week, feelings are bound to come up.” I asked him to just answer the question and he said “yes, I find you attractive” I asked him point blank if he had sexual fantasies about me and he said “yes.” Whatever little trust I had was gone. At that point in my life I was a mess, I was dissociated and not thinking rationally. In my mind I thought that the next best step was to give him what I thought he wanted. I came on to him. He hesistated a few moments and eventually pushed me away and said “I’m married. This would ruin my career. And plus if I really wanted to F*** you, I could’ve done that six months ago. But I respect you.” The following week I brought up what happened. How I was upset he told me he had fantasies about me and I tried to explain why I did what I did… He got angry with me and said that I assaulted him and that now he knows what it feels like to be raped. That I turned into my abuser in that situation. I was speechless. He truly did not understand what was going on in my head. Fast forward about 6 months I started dating someone who was really good for me. (I’m still with them 4 years later) My therapist turned into a jealous boyfriend. When I started looking for a new job my therapist said to me “What kind of job do you expect to get when you’ve just been walking dogs for nine years, really? I told him that hurt me and he told me I was being sensitive/projecting my own poor self worth onto what he said. I refused to see him until i got an apology. Three months later i needed to go back to get a prescription, he blamed my boyfriend for keeping me away. He said my boyfriend was manipulating me and I couldn’t see it. In truth, my boyfriend was encouraging me to go talk to him and hash it out. When I reached the point that I wanted to end my therapy with him because I needed to do important trauma work that just could not be done with him, he dragged our “good bye” sessions out for TWO YEARS. He acted as if I were breaking up with him. In the meantime I had things I needed to work on that were being put on the back burner. I kept telling him this and he would say “but you and I have things we need to sort out first.” He constantly put his ego and own needs ahead of mine. I still see him for med reviews but am looking for a new psych in my new state. It’s taken me almost 4 years to sort out what happened between him & I. He completed lost his objectivity and professionalism. Countertransference indeed.
Hi there, in fact we’d say this was not countertransference but blatant malpractice. We are sorry you had this experience. Is this person even a proper registered psychiatrist or therapist? Here in the UK he would be struck off for even half of this. Therapists are humans, yes. And attraction can happen. A professional therapist knows how to not allow that to grow. If for some reason it does anyway, if they realise they are not able to control their own response, they should refer you on to another therapist. A proper practitioner must also in the UK have a supervisor overseeing their work. So this sort of thing never happens. The very fact that it even got to the point that you were discussing if he had sexual fantasies shows us this person is not at all a professional, he did not maintain professional boundaries, he allowed a very unhealthy atmosphere to exist, and then made sickening excuses such as saying that this is bound to happen if you meet someone twice a week. No, it is not. Furthermore from what you are reporting there was a completely unprofessional unhealthy atmosphere going on long before this. The sort of relationship you are describing is NOT the therapeutic relationship which should ALWAYS remain professional. At the very least the moment you made a pass at him he should have ended working with you and referred you on and the fact that he kept seeing you is just so shocking to us. Please report this person to whatever board he is registered with. For anyone reading this, none of this is normal. A therapist or psychiatrist is not a friend, not someone who should ever make intimate suggestions to you, therapy is a friendly but professional relationship with clear boundaries. If this sort of thing happens there is no need to continue to see the therapist. You owe them nothing. You walk out, you report them, and you stay away. Like any job out there, from doctor to factory worker to teacher, there are sometimes bad eggs. Please note that there are many many great therapists and psychiatrists out there but you must not assume that just as they have this title they are a good person or should be doing the job. Best, HT.
My previous therapeutic relationship involved a LOT of positive countertransference. It was definitely at least borderline unethical, going strictly by the codes, but it was also the most helpful therapeutic relationship I’ve ever been in. I know it sounds odd, but I think I needed the kind of self-disclosure and vulnerability he was willing to give me in order for me to trust him. Authenticity is extremely important to me. The whole thing was complicated, in that there were a lot of intense mutual feelings, but the only harm I’m aware of experiencing is a lot of grief at the end. Technically, he has said I could return if our lifes’ circumstances allowed for it someday, but I feel like we had as good of an ending as we could have had. We’ve both had a lot of bad termination experiences, so I think this was what we both really needed.
Sometimes it’s best to just let things be. Still, it hurts. A lot. I understand that grief is a normal part of human existence, however, and I do expect it to somehow get better over time. My biggest problem is that I don’t know what to do with my new therapist. I want so much to talk about my previous therapeutic relationship, but my new therapist isn’t interested in helping me understand it at all. He’s very nice, but comparatively closed off, and, quite frankly, I’m so used to getting special treatment from my old therapist that my new therapist, although he is being perfectly fair, just feels cold. I try to remind myself that it takes years to build the kind of relationship I had with my old therapist, but I just don’t see myself making much further progress under the current conditions. There’s so much more I want to learn. Now what do I do?
I recently abandoned my first therapy, after 8 months, because I was always uncomfortable in the therapeutic relationship. I had finally fallen into a deep and dangerous depressive crisis.
Fortunately I started again with a very supportive, welcoming therapist, who at the first session enlightened me on what had gone wrong before. I felt as if my therapist had the same reactions towards me that my father had: impatience, indifference, distance. I felt abandoned, the therapist didn’t give me explanations, he didn’t even try to understand why I had fallen into that crisis. He made no attempt to alleviate it, or change his strategy. I relived the same abandonment, the same loneliness, the same isolation that my family made me feel in childhood.
Maybe it was transference? Will I be able to solve it now, with the new therapy? I still feel a lot of sadness and frustration, exactly how my father makes me feel.
Hi,
I was seeing a therapist for three years and recently realized I didn’t trust her because she brought up something from a group therapy I’m in that she leads in my individual session. She said another client in the group was upset with me and asked me to apologize to her. I was taken aback and felt it was a boundary violation that this separate group issue should be discussed outside of my private therapy session. I rushed through the session feeling really off. I finally got the courage to bring it up to her as I’m ready to get deeper into therapy and feel it is impacting my trust. I decided to bring it up to her and ask for a reimbursement for that session. I told her this was hard. She apologized but then suddenly told me I should go do emdr. We hadn’t talked about emdr in the three years I had been seeing her. I was confused and said with you? She said no someone else. I started crying as I wasn’t looking to go to another therapist and it seemed she was saying that it isn’t safe to bring things up or that she might tell me to go elsewhere. Is this normal in therapy? I was trusting her. When I brought it up to her she said she wasn’t being skillful and had done it because “she was shocked like how I was shocked” by her boundary violation. But her shock and mine weren’t the same. I was shocked by her boundary crossing into my therapy she was shocked that I brought it up it seems without her knowing I was going to. I’m really not trusting this therapist. Is this normal therapist behavior?