What if I Don’t Trust My Therapist? Key Things to Know
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 9, 2023
By: bark
by Andrea M. Darcy
Feel uncomfortable around your therapist? Just have a strong feeling you can’t trust them? It’s a definitely something to take seriously.
But it’s also something to look at honestly, as it might mean other things than you expect.
Key things to know about therapy and trust
Therapy is an unusual and unique experience if you think about it. Where else in life do you share your thoughts and secrets with someone you don’t know personally, and then pay them for it?
Because therapy is such a different experience, you can’t expect it to be comfortable or familiar at first. Or even for quite some time.
Acquaint yourself with the process and its pitfalls before determining if any discomfort and lack of trust is about your therapist… or something else.
1. Recognise that therapy is actually a relationship.
Yes, you pay for the experience of therapy. But it is still about forming a bond with someone, and therapy at heart a relationship.
Think about other relationships in life and how long it can take to know someone. Are their colleagues you weren’t sure of at first that you now like? Or a romantic partner you took ages to fall for? Therapy is no different. It can take time and patience to hit your stride and to form a bond of trust.
By: Joe Houghton
You do need to give your therapist a chance.
It’s recommended that you try four appointments (an assessment and three sessions) before making your mind up about whether you can trust your therapist.
Also keep in mind that if you aren’t good at trusting relationships elsewhere, you are not suddenly going to be good at building one in the therapy room! If you often like someone at first then change your mind, or get suspicious of others over small things? It’s likely to happen with your therapist, too.
2. Learn about transference.
Have you ever known someone you always felt or acted awkward around? Only to have the sudden realisation that it might be because they reminded you of one of your parents whom you don’t get on with?
This is really what is referred to as transference in psychology.
Transference refers to when a client assumes or feels certain things about the therapist because of other relationships they have in the present or past.They are ‘transferring’ feelings and thoughts from those other experiences onto their therapist, instead of seeing the therapist as they really are right here and now.
Are you seeing your therapist as he or she really is? Or are you making assumptions about them based on your past experiences with others?
3. Understand psychological projection.
By: Celestine Chua
Projection is the art of unconsciously attributing how we secretly feel to others instead of ourselves. A tricky mechanism, it can blind us to what is really happening in our relationships.
And psychological projection is common in the therapy room.
You might think you don’t like your therapist because deep down you are worried they don’t like you. Or you might think they are too judgemental when really it’s you judging them.
When not trusting your therapist can be a GOOD thing
Having uncertain feelings about your therapist can actually lead to important progress, if you approach it correctly. And yes, that means talking to them about it.
If you feel you’d rather run away then talk honestly to your therapist about what you are feeling? It’s likely this ‘abandon ship’ pattern is in your other relationships, too.
Therapy provides a safe space where you can experiment at other ways of relating that you can then take out and try with confidence in your real life. Being brave enough to explore such patterns of avoidance and judgement in the safe space of the therapy room can lead to big changes in the way you relate to others.
If you instead keep running from one therapist to the next at the first hurdle? Or see therapy as a place to ‘fool’ your therapist into thinking you like them? You will miss out on this great benefit and really just waste your money.
I definitely don’t trust my therapist. What next?
There’s two ways to look at it.
You don’t have to like your therapist for therapy to be effective. The truth is, if you rarely trust or like people, you might not like any therapist you work with. It’s a matter of picking someone you can relax enough around that maybe in the future you could like or trust them.
But if you really don’t trust or like them, then it might be in your best interest to find another therapist. Therapy is like dating, and you need that ‘click’ to eventually happen. Or it’s unlikely the therapy will serve you as well as you can.
Good reasons to not trust your therapist
Like any profession, some therapists are just not good at what they do. Or they simply don’t like their job, which reflects in how they are around clients. If the following signs of unprofessionalism sound familiar, it is time to fire your therapist.
- they talk about themselves frequently in sessions
- they are disrespectful, engaging in behaviours like answering the phone or eating in sessions, starting late, interrupting you when you are speaking, or cancelling your appointments at the last minute
- they criticise you or put you down
- they don’t take your concerns seriously or even belittle them.
If a therapist ever does something inappropriate such as a sexual advance, not only should you feel free to leave immediately. But you might consider filing a complaint with the relevant licensing boards (in the UK, this would be the BACP or UKCP – look into where the therapist is registered).
If you do find you’re having bad luck finding a therapist, consider an umbrella organisation over hiring an individual therapist. They will vet their therapists very carefully. (And at Harley Therapy, if it doesn’t work out with one therapist, they offer you the chance to transfer to another without having to pay for a second assessment).
Do you have a question about liking your therapist, or want to share an experience with our readers on this subject? Do so below.
Andrea M. Darcy is a mental health and wellbeing expert and writer who also works as a ‘therapy coach’, helping people understand what type of therapy would work for them and navigate finding the right therapist. Find her on Instagram @am_darcy
In the past my therapist allowed me to text in between sessions. A couple of weekends I was suicidal and sent her a couple of texts. She responded saying she’d read them on Monday. I sent her another text saying that she wasn’t even reading my messages. On Monday she sent me an angry and hurtful message. She said that I couldn’t text her anymore and threatened to end therapy altogether. I did see her the other day, and she admitted to never reading my suicide messages. She never even alogized. Was it ethical to threaten to end therapy via text when my last message to her was suicidal?
It truly depends on the contractual agreement you have between you and what accrediting boards your therapist belongs to, with guidelines she’d then follow. For example, at Harley Therapy our therapists do not allow texting between sessions. Contact is kept to sessions only. It sounds like you need a lot of support, beyond just your therapy sessions. Have you considered peer support? It’s interesting as just today we read a comment from another reader about a weekly internet therapy and group for sensitive highly emotional people she felt had really helped her, that was both therapy and yet also support from others going through similar experiences, I do believe she said it was called “DBT Path”. Or perhaps you could find some sort of support group as well? Otherwise, don’t hesitate to call places like the Samaritans if you feel suicidal, that is what they are there for. We wish you all the best.
I’ve just started with a new therapist. I had a fabulous therapist for two years who moved out of state. The new therapist was not my choice but comes highly recommended. I am so uncomfortable i just shut down. It’s only been two weeks and I know trust is a huge issue for me. But many of my issues are so personal I just don’t know how to share them with a virtual stranger. I don’t know how to get to know someone. She is trying, but last week, she said she wasn’t sure which direction to go. She thought we could talk about my last therapist and my feelings around her leaving and I’m just not ready to do that. Emotions are too hard. I’m not sure what to do so I just shut down.
Gosh, we feel for you, losing a therapist you enjoyed working with is painful and a real loss, like losing any relationship that matters. First of all, it’s ok to feel totally nervous and uncertain, there is no need to worry about that, it’s normal, and as you say, it’s only been two weeks. It’s also okay (if frustrating at times) to pass sessions where not much happens verbally (as other things, like developing a connection, are happening without words). We tend to advise 4 sessions before making any decisions (or 5 if the first is just an assessment) as things can really change and suddenly ‘click’ as late as the fourth session. But if not, if it doesn’t click, then we’d also point out that what therapist works for you is very personal. Just because someone is recommended does not mean they are for everyone! It’s good that she admits she doesn’t know what to do, that is actually quite authentic, which is a sign of a good therapist. So hold out, then have an honest talk if you aren’t feeling a click. She might even be able to recommend someone else suitable. Finally, what DO you feel ready to talk about? It’s ok to let her know and to speak up. They are your sessions, after all. You might want to talk about something small that happened to you this week, for example. We wish you courage and hope it works out for the best!
My therapist reported to my psychiatrist that I was doing opiates, when I don’t do drugs at all. After self google research I realize that I underwent derealization during a session, (went spacey, no threat to anyone). I felt like she should have discussed the issue and symtoms with me and let us decide/along your her medical knowledge what was occurring and the best action to take. Instead she said nothing to me about it, cancelled my next appointment the day it was scheduled, and reported suspected opiod usage. How in the hell can I trust her with anything; I never want to talk to her again, and why should I. Apparently she has no problem throwing me under the bus and not only thinking the worst of me,,reporting it,making others file me as a drug addict. How the puck can this possibly help me with depression and god forbid anxiety.
We are very, very sorry to hear this. This is not professional and must have been a horrible experience for you. We would suggest you report this therapist to whatever association she is registered with. This will be apparent by the acronyms she uses after her name and/or should be in her profile on her website. We are a UK-based business so can’t advise on how this works in other countries, but if you are in the UK you can read our articles on the different registries here http://bit.ly/registeredtherapists. Also, we aren’t sure if you are paying for this therapist privately or it’s through the system. If it is private, and you have choice, use our search bar to find all our articles on how to choose a good therapist. There are amazing therapists out there, but like any industry, there are also not so great ones. It can be a bit like dating finding the right one for you. But please do not give up hope!
Is it possible to feel safe in the room ?
I never do unless they act out of kindness .
My feeling is shame of even being there and my history of being abused takes over.
We are sorry to hear this. Have you ever tried just leading with this? And by that we mean sharing right away that you feel very uncomfortable to even be in the room and that therapy makes you feel ashamed. Just getting that out in the open can really help. And here’s the thing – a large amount of clients feel this way at first. Therapist totally understand. And they can help you look at it different ways, for example, noticing that it takes a large amount of personal strength to come to therapy.Finally, remember you are hiring them. You are in charge. Would you feel that you had to feel bad paying someone to wash your car? Or deliver your groceries? Therapy really is no difference. You are paying for a service and they are in service to you, not the other way around. Hope that helps.
When a quick Google returned that 96% of them knowingly mislead patients and 81% of them lie directly to patients, how does anyone trust them? It’s antisocial behavior when anyone else does it, but ‘helping’ when they do it???
It figures that they ironclad a false diagnosis for over 30 years that I did not even meet enough of the DSM criteria to have as more than just a consideration, and that my actual diagnosis, which I had to outsource, was not even on the radar until the mother of someone like me pointed out that I am a lot like her daughter. She recommended official testing, and she was right. Also turns out that now that the brain trust has been made aware that I’m on the spectrum, they are even more of a nuisance and less useful than ever before. I have to see my current one today and I’m about to ask him what plan he is able to articulate on how exactly he’s going to be any form of an asset to me. The last one I asked that question to just stared at me.
Why should anyone trust therapists? Unlike every other profession, except maybe politicians, therapists have zero responsibility and accountability for their actions and results. Consequences? Realistically speaking: drop out which is filled very quickly. Money back? No. Money back plus extra money back for wasted time (commuting) and lost time which could be used for real therapy? What a joke. Please, try any other kind of business, service or manufacturing, screw one client and see what happens. A hairdresser can easily lose few regular customers and 3-5 times more potential if he makes a mess.
Something worse than drop out? Statistically speaking, chances that client will be harmed by therapist (is it legal or not is totally different question, nazi program T4 was carried “legally”) than vice versa.
How to trust to people who proclaim different set of rules for themselves? How to trust people who can break their own rules and get pardoned by ethical boards? How to trust to people who have lack of responsibility and accountability as intrinsic part of their profession? How to trust people who have no trouble to weaponize clients’ diagnosis? How to trust people who, when they mess up say something like “these are just words”? If therapy is “just words”, why so much “education” and “training” and bragging about that. I am not native English speaker, I am not English major and I bet you can understand what I wrote. Come on, let’s do some bragging.
How to trust profession which is full of very unhealthy people? Unhealthy from being mess in private to narcissistic and antisocial types who use therapy to hunt their victims? Supervisors are easy to fool, they actually like such people because they are that themselves or they care about money? Any possible explanation doesn’t paint positive picture.
Let me give you small sample of therapists’ basics, used on therapists. I got first session and I do something nasty to the therapist. Whose fault is that? Mine? Let’s see: a) therapists is an adult and adults don’t blame others for their problems; b) nobody forced therapist to schedule me; c) nobody forced therapist to let me in; d) there are no promises in therapy and if I don’t promise anything, that’s it, plus breaking therapist’s body and soul outside office… no promises for that either. These are all explanations I have heard by therapists to explain previous unethical therapist’s behavior.
Let’s go straight to the point, which result in therapists feeling uncomfortable with me. They are usually females, older than me, my age (~40), or somewhat to significantly younger. Because it is very obvious they wouldn’t date me now, or 10 or 15 or 20 years ago (for different reasons over years), why they are nothing but glorified emotional prostitutes? Or to be more polite: priests without Christianity? Therapists don’t take that question well. And I am sure it is all about my projections and insecurity. It is, because if I broke a cup made of glass (clumsy), how on Earth I can suspect that same thing would happen to ceramic mug? Probably my projection.
I almost forgot. Therapists endless stream of excuses for lack of results or if you want in therapeutic parlance: rationalization.