You love them, you hate them? You want them, you don’t? Why does a push pull relationship happen, and what can you do about it?
Why am I always in a push pull relationship?
There are different reasons we push and pull. It might be driven by boredom, or by fear, or it might be an impulse that feels beyond control. Often it’s a combination of several issues, with roots in childhood.
1. You are bored (and might have ADHD).
You have a very fast mind, and you’ve gotten involved with someone based on chemistry and excitement. But now the buzz has worn off, you aren’t intellectual equals, and you are bored. Without realising it, you become a cat with a mouse, pushing and pulling the other person.
Again, the push pull pattern can have roots in childhood and the ways we were raised.
And it can be that we had an unstable relationship with a parent that has led to a pattern of relating we can’t seem to escape.
For example, if you had a critical parent who never approved of you, you might push your partner away at the slightest hint of criticism. In this way you are unconsciously ‘punishing’ the parent you have unresolved issues with.
Journal about your relationship dynamics with each parent. Is it possible you are recreating this dynamic? Write a letter to the parent the pattern comes from, without holding back, then rip it up. Now write about what you’d like your relationship to be like instead.
6. You experienced trauma or abuse as a child.
Trauma shatters a child’s trust in the world around them. And that inability to trust does not repair itself. Unless we actively seek to heal, we live our adult life with complex PTSD and trust issues. No wonder we push and pull, we constantly feel in danger.
7. Negative core beliefs about yourself leave you attracted to a push pull relationship.
This relates to most of the above. Things like abuse, poor attachment, and a difficult parental relationship call lead to hidden core beliefs that you aren’t worthy of love, that you are flawed, that you are no good at love.
So just as you start to make progress in a relationship, these core beliefs stir and lead you to sabotage with push and pulling.