What is Alexithymia? When Emotions Just Aren’t Your Thing
By: Cafe Neu Romance
Do you draw a blank when people ask you how you feel? Are you often accused of not understanding others, or not showing enough empathy? Even when you tried your best?
You might have a personality trait called alexithymia.
[Does trying to understand others leave you lost and depressed? Want to talk to someone who understands? Book one of our Skype therapists now and get help as soon as tomorrow.]
What is Alexithymia?
If the word alexithmyia sounds like some strange foreign language, well it is. It’s made up from two Greek words that together mean ‘no words for emotions’.
So if you have alexithymia, you struggle to feel, understand, and describe emotions. This includes both your own emotions, and those of people around you.
Is Alexithymia a mental health disorder?
No. Alexithymia is not a personality disorder or a mental health disorder. It’s a personality ‘construct’, or ‘trait’.
What’s the difference? A personality trait is part of your way of being. It is not something big enough to completely dictate your way of being in all areas of life (personality disorder) or leave you incapable of managing your daily life (mental health disorder).
So if you are an ‘alexithymic’ or ‘alexithymiac’, you can be quite a regular person. And you can function perfectly well in life, except when it comes to intimate relationships. In fact some people’s alexithymia is so mild they live for decades without realising they even suffer from it.
By: Robert Benedict
That said, alexithymia is often a ‘comorbidity’ . This means it’s a diagnosis that is found at the same time as others. It’s also thought that having alexithymia makes you more vulnerable to other psychological issues.
Symptoms of alexithymia
So what does alexithymia look like?
Symptoms of alexityhmia can include the following:
- if people ask how you feel you draw a blank
- it’s equally hard to know what other people feel
- you see emotions as just happy and unhappy, why must it be more complicated?
- imagination and fantasy isn’t your thing
- you’d rather do things than think about them
- partners and friends often accuse you of ‘not understanding’ them (when you feel you do)
- you respond to situations with logic over emotions
- when you remember your dreams they are very logical compared to other people’s
- occasionally you might burst into tears or rage (but when asked about it after you don’t know what to say)
- sometimes you feel like life is pointless and you can’t win
- you aren’t emotional but you can be overwhelmed by life and feel anxious
- you tend to avoid close relationships
- if you do have relationships, they are not equal, you are in charge or let the other person take charge
- partners complain you are cold, distant, and/or not assertive enough.
The spectrum of alexithymia
Like many psychological issues, there seems to be quite a range when it comes to alexithymia. Some psychologists even divide alexithymia into two types, which they refer to as ‘primary’ ( you have symptoms all the time) and ‘secondary’ (you have symptoms when under stress).
Other differences are that some people with alexithymia do have emotional outbursts when others don’t. It’s just that the outbursts tend to be quick and extreme (tears, rage). And that afterwards you don’t have ways to understand or describe what happened, nor interest in doing so.
Why do I have alexithymia?
By: Image Editor
Nobody knows quite why one person has alexithymia and not another. Some scientists would like to prove it is simple as just genes and neuroscience.
But like most psychological issues, alexithymia is probably a a combination of both biology and environment. In other words, we might be born more prone to alexithymia than others, and then a substantial trauma when we were a child might trigger that tendency.
We are all as infants born incapable of describing emotions. We have to learn how to develop this skill through our interaction with our caregivers. One argument is that those with alexithymia could have had a difficult experience during this stage of development that meant they decided it was safer not to identify emotions.
As for research, one study showed that people who had suffered a brain injury were six times more likely to exhibit alexithymia than other people. And childhood trauma does ‘damage’ the brain. Another study found almost half of a study group of veterans with PTSD had symptoms of alexithymia. So these studies seems to support the environmental theory, of alexirythmia being caused by traumatic experience.
Alexithymia and related psychological disorders
Alexithymia is very often diagnosed alongside autism spectrum disorder. It’s often also found in those who have a diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
There are also many psychological issues that you might have along with alexirythmia. It’s possible these stem from the stress of living with alexirythmia. These include:
Do you want help with alexithymia? Harley Therapy connects you with some of London’s top counselling psychologists, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists. Just need someone to talk to about relationship problems? Use our booking platform to find a therapist near you or talk to a Skype therapist no matter where you live.
Still have a question about ‘what is alexithymia?’. Or want to share your thoughts about living with this issue or dating someone who has alexithymia? Post in our public comment box below.
Why cant I move on from my ex boyfruend?!
Hi Jane, this article might help https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/getting-over-a-breakup.htm
Where do I find a therapist to help with living with a spouse with Alexithymia?
Hi Karen, we don’t know what country you are in…. we are UK based. Are you in the UK?
I believe my husband has this. He suffered neglect and physical abuse when he was a child and was a drug addict for much of his life, though he has been clean for years.
Is there a therapist in Essex that could help him?
Hi Keely, he might, but note that severe trauma can cause a child to grow up into an adult who suppresses all emotions. This is different then Alexithymia, where the emotional spectrum really isn’t there. Trauma can trigger it, but it would already be present as an inbuilt personality trait. In either case, it’s a great idea to seek therapy, if he wants to! It must be his choice. You might find our article on how to suggest to a loved one they need support a good read http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy. As for therapists in Essex, go to our booking site, it makes it very easy to do different searches for different issues (childhood trauma) and locations. Good luck! https://harleytherapy.com/
Wondering if you can help. My girlfriend of 7 years has always severely struggled with showing any of emotion of any kind, very difficult to communicate with, and our step son and family have mentioned about help and seeing someone but she always said that she doubts anyone would understand etc. We seperated due to no communication and lack of understanding at the beginning of the year, but I have since discovered Alexithymia and its 100% exactly to her traits, I don’t think that this is something that was ever considered before but I think it would be perfect for her to talk to someone that understands what Alexithymia is, is there anyone in Scotland that would be able to help?
Reading about it it feels like this has just literally unlocked the MASSIVE wall/door that’s always had no explanation.
Hi Steve, glad you are feeling hopeful. I would just say though she has to want to talk to someone herself, only she can be the one making the choice to attend a therapy session, unfortunately it is her choice and only her choice. As for therapists in Scotland, our main team is located in London. We do have a new booking platform and you can check for scotland-based therapists there. Otherwise it might be a process of phoning/emailing any in your area you like the look/sound of and directly asking. Good luck!
Hi. I was in a relationship for a very long time, and it was very frustrating for me that she never (litterally never) talked about emotions . I once asked, very gentle, if something in her past could have happened making it difficult to talk about her feeling. She just replied, somewhat annoyed, “no, nothing has happened”. And the conversation was over. But I, unaware of Alexithymia, was fairly sure she had something in her past causing her no always just say “no, nothing is wrong“ when asked. And I asked because I often felt rejected or alone in this relationship, subtle flirting from my side was never given response, she struggled with saying “I love you”, and she never gave compliments. I stayed because I was sure she had her issues and I was going to be there for her when she ‘imploded’. And of course a lot of good qualities except for the intimate side of a relationship. And then – after 6 unsuccessful attempts of assisted pregnancy – she dumped me in the most brutal and unempathic (and immature) way (“it’s you, not me”). And then, finally, I deared challenge her with ‘talks about feelings”. It was disturbing and she completely lacks understanding and empathy. She also quoted me on something I had said, but she missed completely due to a extremely literal interpretation of the words I had used. So, no excuses and no understanding, and I actually think she believed everything she said. My only worry now is she suddenly finds herself in a career-threatening situation, also this she does not recognize (or accept). But extremely out of character. Alexithymic perhaps, it certainly fits.
Hi Christopher, it’s tough to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share our values. It sounds like you value talking about emotions and mental/emotional connection and she doesn’t. It doesn’t make one of you wrong and the other right, it just means that you are different and a relationship becomes a challenge. Maybe she has alexithymia, or possibly Asperger’s syndrome, maybe not. We don’t know her and we are only getting your side of the story. What concerns us is that you are worrying about her life and career but your relationship is over. It’s not up to you to manage her life now, it’s up to her. And you can’t change another person. That is solely up to them. We’d say you sound angry and upset and it’s time to deal with your own issues now. What drew you to a relationship that clearly didn’t give you what you needed and left you feeling rejected? What did you learn about love as a child? Deep down, do you feel you deserve to be loved and happy? All worth investigating. Best, HT
As I’m writing this, I’m feeling my emotions surge into tears. I have been married to my husband now for 23 years and I am shocked and stunned to stumble across this condition on your website called Alexithymia!!! My husband experiences no negative emotions, and is generally limited to feeling happy, excited, cheerful. I have always known that there was something seriously wrong, we have done a little therapy, but he wouldn’t/couldn’t engage in it. We have two sons, 18 and 21, both of whom have struggled with their father a LOT! My husband has little or no real emotional attachment to them, is just logical, superficial and distant. Both are gifted, one very highly, one has ADD. I have a very good relationship with them thank goodness, but I have fought alone through all the difficulties and feel terribly sad that we have had to go through such extreme difficulties. I live in germany but was born in Suffolk as the youngest of five daughters, and I struggled to establish my identity in a very strongly female dominated family. My father was also undemonstrative in the positive areas but loud and sarcastic in the negatives. We all bring our problems to relationships, I don’t blame my husband despite feeling angry that he does nothing to help himself or especially US! I don’t know if I want to remain in my marriage, but I am very afraid to separate, as my own parents did after 25 years and it was like a tsunami! Neither of them handled the situation like mature adults and it took me a long time to recover. It’s also possible of course that I have married someone with similar issues as my father!!! I can also relate to everything that Christopher said previously!!! Almost word for word! I will investigate Alexithymia and hopefully it can help in some way. Many thanks to you!
PS. I think it is really important for me to make decisions now for my own future. I do still have feelings for my husband, some parts of our relationship are quite good, we are basically companions. BUT, I don’t know if it is enough for me for the rest of my life. I am now 57!!
Hi Lori, it’s definitely an interesting condition. We don’t know your husband, and it could be several things… some people simply aren’t ‘seekers’, or ‘deep divers’. It seems we can be born with different sorts of brains and some people just seem here to explore and grow and others to just trundle along taking what comes…. some of us are vastly emotional, like instruments, often we are born into a life of trauma, too, as if we are here to feel and then feel some more…. others seem to be less emotional, to experience less tough stuff. Often it’s not that one is right and the other isn’t, but that we want the other person to understand us, when they see from a different lens. Often the pain comes not from being different, but from the endless fury of being misunderstood. Either we decide to fully accept that understanding will never come, and take people as they are, or we have to choose a new route, again, neither choice is right or wrong, just a choice. As for dating someone like a parent, absolutely, we have an article on that… we tend to life in repeat patterns, unfortunately! Best, HT
Hi Lori, it’s a big decision, and a life changing one. It is of course up to you what to do next, but this is the sort of issue that is well worth seeking some counselling sessions over and deep diving on. Sometimes just being in the presence of a non-judgemental person who isn’t invested in our choice but just listening can give us an all new clarity. Best, HT
Hi ,, recently I was realize that alexithymia symptoms are in myself , i admit it happend to me since many years ago but I didn’t realize it, I have zero knowledge about my own physiological health , and after I read more about this personality trait I can say I know why it’s happend and what it cause , so I need a help , how can I get therapist ? I am Indonesian citizen but live in Russia , I prefer online treatment ,
Hi Ranna, the symptoms of alexithymia can also be other things. If you ‘know why it’s happened’ then it’s less likely to be alexithymia which is genetic, you’d be born with the tendency, it’s not something you get as a result of an experience. Trauma can cause us to feel numb and dissociated, unable to sense your feelings. But the feelings are still there, you are just dissociated. It would be great to talk to a therapist about what happened, yes. You can work with an online therapist, there are hundreds out there, and it doesn’t matter what country you are in, if you are interested you can for example use our booking platform here https://harleytherapy.com/. Best, HT.
Hi
I would really, really appreciate some clarification as I have recently come across Alexithymia in regards to my husband and it explains years of confusion, and painful experiences. He got 166 on the test. It has taken a toll on my health and well being, over many years, my husband is mostly unaffected. I have been doing a lot of research and reading on it, and a lot of what I have read makes sense. Before I came across this, I was starting to come to the conclusion that my husband has abusive tendencies, anger issues, and can be very cruel – as in regularly doing things that upsetting and worrying and stress me out, over and over again.
However, this confuses me – I have had terrible, as well as abusive, treatment from my father and my son over the years. My father is a text book case Narcissist. My son has ADHD (possibility of ODD). My husband has been incensed by their behaviour towards me, and has not been shy about expressing his strong thoughts (and feelings?) and says they drained the soul out of me. Yet, my situation with him is not too dissimilar.
So how can a person with alexithymia be aware of others (similar) treatment, and behaviour, therefore knowing right from wrong, but not be aware of their own (similar) behaviour?
Is this then not related to alexithymia but his own choice from his own nature, that is separate from alexithymia? Are there 2 things going on? I am very confused and would appreciate any thoughts. Many thanks
Hello, I am researching this now as I also randomly stumbled upon Alexithymia and it is like opening Pandora’s box. It explains everything I have not been able to explain for so long about my husband. Is there anyone we can speak to to get a diagnosis? We are based in London.
Thank you
Hi Caroline, first of all to point out that he has to want to go speak to someone. It has to be his choice. As for a ‘diagnosis’, as the article discusses, it’s a personality trait over a diagnosis or disorder. So it would depend on what other issues he has that are ‘comorbid’, or occuring alongside. If you suspect autism spectrum disorder, anxiety disorder, or post-traumatic stress disorder, or if there is any history of brain injury, you might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist. If it’s simply a question of him struggling to express or understand emotions, and the point of the diagnosis is to get him help with communicating and understanding, then you might want to start with a counselling psychologist or psychotherapist. They are cheaper and with shorter waiting lists. If they feel there is a psychiatric issue they can then refer you on. We offer a team of highly respected and expert psychiatrists, counselling psychologists, and psychotherapists in London if it’s of interest https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/therapists.htm. Best, HT.
Hi there, you say he ‘got 166 on the test’. Did he work with a professional psychologist or psychiatrist? Or did you ask him to take an online test? As the article states, alexithymia is a trait, not a diagnosis. It is often comorbid with many other things, a list of the most common is in the article. What we are curious about is that you are focussing heavily on diagnoses and what is ‘wrong’ with all those around you. Yet you admit that you have received bad parenting over the years, etc. Have you ever sought help for yourself? We can’t change other people, ever. The only person we have control over is ourselves. It’s easy to distract ourselves by focussing on what is wrong with everyone else around us, but at some point we have to look at ourselves. What is it within us that has created this life and chosen to be surrounded by what we are surrounded with? And what is our 50% in each of our relationships? What power are we exerting that we need to own? Therapy can help with all this and more. Best, HT.
Hi Harley Therapy
Thank you for your reply.
The test was the TAS-20 as I have only recently come across Alexithymia, as I understand it, there is not a medical test as such.
I had only in recent years received bad treatment from my father and yes I had counselling for that. That is all in the past.
And my son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in primary school. I didn’t have a problem with his ADHD, but there was disrespectful treatment towards me. That has been dealt with.
The reason I mentioned this, as I said in my original post, is that my husband has observed this bad treatment and was incensed and not at all happy about it, so my original question was –
So how can a person with alexithymia be aware of others (similar) treatment, and behaviour, therefore knowing right from wrong, but not be aware of their own (similar) behaviour?
Is this then not related to alexithymia but his own choice from his own nature, that is separate from alexithymia? Are there 2 things going on? I am very confused and would appreciate any thoughts. Many thanks
Hi Jane, we don’t find what you are talking about has anything to do with alexithymia, simply human nature. It’s very, very common to be able to see flaws in others more easily than in ourselves. It’s hard to see and admit to our own flaws. In fact we’d say most people only develop the capacity to clearly see their own issues and how alike they are to the people they judge after they take a route of self development such as by doing therapy or reading self help books. And even then, it’s something we all have to work on. It’s just easier to analyse others over ourselves. Note the many references to this human flaw in different bodies of wisdom. The Bible has the famous, “First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye”. And then there is the well known “Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.” HT.
Hi there.
I am pleased to have found this page. My girlfriend has an ASD diagnosis and is aware that she has Alexithymia traits. However, this doesn’t seem to happen all the time. Usually when stressed or going through a hard time with depression. I can accept this and we seem to be able to work through these times together.
The thing is she shows me love most of the time (only during extreme stress do I notice she doesn’t ), she is loving, caring and affectionate. However, she cannot feel that from me. She has been saying lately that she feels like she is in a glass box and cannot let herself feel love. This is very hard to understand as I love her more than I can possibly explain (I’m a poor feeble romantic neurotypical) and so for her not to feel this from me and often doubt my feelings for her as a result, is hard. How do I help her be more secure in the knowledge that I love her and not going anywhere?
Thanks, Anne
Hi there Anne, it’s a good question. We are wondering, have you directly asked her how she would like you to show her your love? There’s an interesting book called ‘Love Languages’ that suggests that we all assume others feel the same way about love, but we all actually have a certain way of showing love and wanting to be shown love, and things can go wrong in relationships if we speak different ‘languages’ on this front. It can be a question of direct communication to understand the language the other person speaks and wants to be spoken to in. For example, some people like to be told they are loved. Other people don’t feel loved by words, but need physical closeness, or small acts. So that would help from your end, asking her directly exactly how she wants love to be shown. Otherwise, unfortunately learning to let love in more does have to be from her end. She has to deal with the underlying roots of her depression and inability to feel loved, you can’t do that bit for her. Is she currently working with a therapist? Would be good to directly raise this with them and work on it. Best, HT.
I am not sure but I think I have a son with this. He is 13 but not a typical teen. He does his work at school because that is expected, he never misses brushing his teeth/personal hygiene, he is funny but can cut to the bone and not understand why others get upset/ offended. We have a great relationship and he never needs telling twice, if he has done something he won’t repeat it if told. So he seems perfect and I shouldn’t moan. Right? In all his years even as a toddler he has never said “I love you mum”. He doesn’t do hugs. He thinks his young brother is stupid for enjoying role playing or for getting upset over anything. He does not celebrate Christmas or his birthday, ever, and once asked his surprise birthday guests to go home. Very politely asked them to go home and then was totally baffled that people got offended. Could this possiblly be alexithymia? He has Tourettes also. I do not wish to change my son as I accept him exactly as he is but I do think he may need some form of therapy to navigate more successful relationships later on when I can no longer be there to explain. He can be thoughtful in very logical ways and he is compassionate. Loves animals but I think they are easier to read.
Hi there Sheena, we absolutely can’t diagnose anyone based over a comment, it would do your son a disservice. You need to go see a counselling psychologist who is qualified to diagnose personality differences and gets to know your son and runs proper testing. It could, for example, be that he is on the autism spectrum, what used to be called ‘Asperger’s syndrome’ over alexithymia. Counselling is great as it not only helps with relating also helps your child to develop and recognise his strengths in a world that might increasingly tell him what is ‘wrong’ with him (it’s great that you as a mother are also focussed on his strengths). A good diagnosis will help as you as a parent can then also receive support, through support groups or counselling yourself. And if you are in the UK it might then qualify your son for and family for certain types of council-funded help. Of course if it is any kind of autism, the idea of seeing a psychologist and getting tested might feel very offensive to him, so you’d need to approach it carefully and in a positive way. Note that there is still a chance he is just a very logical person over emotional, and doesn’t fit any sort of diagnosis.best to leave it to an expert. Best, HT.
Hi – pretty sure my girlfriend has Alexthymia. If I ask her about her feelings or emotions, she feels extremely uncomfortable and inevitably starts to cry. And if asked why she is crying, her answer is always a nervous laugh saying “I don’t know”. It was very confusing for me at the beginning of our relationship as it felt like she was hiding something…but with patience and more chat I have learnt that she simply cannot articulate her feelings. She moved around countries & schools as a child and I think she learnt to not express unhappiness/sadness to her new school chums as no kid is going to make friends with someone is depressed/sad/unhappy all the time. She also had a very difficult relationship with her father as I think she probably blamed him for all the uprooting and losing friends from all the school/country switching. She acknowledges she has a problem and I’ve suggested therapy but the thought of trying to express emotions/feelings to a total stranger fills her with terror! She has also developed chronic headaches which I suspect is linked to this. I’m not entirely sure how to proceed given her phobia of talking – have you any suggestions? (preferably other than cut and run…! )
Hi Dave, obviously we can’t diagnose over the internet based on a comment not even made by the person themselves, but just to say from what you are saying, doesn’t sound like alexithymia. Just sounds like someone who has experienced life trauma and coped, as many do, by repressing feelings. So yes, she would be scared to talk about emotions, if suppressing them was what helped her survive difficult times. The thing is, it’s her life and the desire to do something about it does have to come from her. We aren’t sure what you said when you suggested counselling, that’s a tricky conversation to have, we have an article on it here http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy. Otherwise, sometimes one of the best ways we can encourage others to work through issues is to live by example. The simple truth is you would never have ended up in a relationship with someone so fragile if you didn’t have your own issues. It can be very easy to obsessively focus on the other, particularly if one of our issues is codependency, gaining a sense of worth by fixing others as we have low self-esteem otherwise (we aren’t saying that is your issue we are simply highlighting the sorts of things that can happen). We’d suggest you support the partner you obviously love by listening when she wants to talk, but not pushing otherwise. By believing she has the inner resources to sort out her life when she is ready. Then putting your focus on you. What in your life or your own past could use looking at? Could therapy perhaps help you as well? Is it time you yourself gave it a go? Best, HT.
Hi!
I would really like some advice on how to be friends with somebody who has alexithymia. How can I be a good friend to them? Is it okay for me to express my love to them? How can I be there for them or even know if they want me to be there for them?
Thank you
Hi Ivy, we’d suggest you have this conversation with them and ask them these questions. Each person is unique. And a good friendship, like all relationships, is based on openness and communication. Also, are you sure they even have alexithymia? Is this their actual official diagnosis? They have shared with you? Or are you assuming this about them? If it’s an assumption, we’d advise you you try not to make assumptions, and that you again have an open, honest, non judgemental conversation with them, sharing with them you find them less emotional than you are used to, that you’d like to be a good friend, so you were curious to know more. And then listening to what they have to say. Best, HT.
Hi! I hace dated a guy who I think has Alexithymia. Whenever asked how he felt he would say ‘ I don’t know’. He could only say if he was happy or sad. When trying to talk about emotions he would stay quiet, when I got a bit emotional for something telling him things he would tell me that I was shouting (but I never did).
He also had erection problems but he would always say ‘I don’t know’ when I asked him what the cause of the problem was. We couldn’t even have sex.
At some point he accused me of being repetitive and that our characters were incompatible and all of a sudden decided to leave me changing the plans of the weekend we planned to spend together saying that he was tired of me and he would smile when saying that. 😩
That was just very weird
Hi there Serena, we wouldn’t jump to conclusions. This doesn’t necessarily mean he has alexithymia. He might have just grown up in a home where it wasn’t safe to show feelings so has learned not to. Repressed emotions and low self esteem can lead to not having emotions and sexual difficulties, as can feeling nervous or judged. Or all sorts of other things, people and relating can be complicated, and unless we kindly and calmly ask someone what is up and listen, then we are really just making assumptions otherwise. In any case, some people just aren’t compatible, we aren’t all here to be friends or get along, and sounds like you two are different and it’s best you’ve gone your separate ways. But you are still upset and hurt by this. We’d say put the focus on that, on looking at your own feelings of being rejected, and on what made you choose this relationship, or what you think love and relating is, all sorts of things to learn here. The best place for your energy and focus is on you, and your own path, so that going forward you make choices that make you happy. We wish you all the best, HT.