What is Alexithymia? When Emotions Just Aren’t Your Thing

Hi Jane, this article might help https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/getting-over-a-breakup.htm

Hi Karen, we don’t know what country you are in…. we are UK based. Are you in the UK?

Hi Keely, he might, but note that severe trauma can cause a child to grow up into an adult who suppresses all emotions. This is different then Alexithymia, where the emotional spectrum really isn’t there. Trauma can trigger it, but it would already be present as an inbuilt personality trait. In either case, it’s a great idea to seek therapy, if he wants to! It must be his choice. You might find our article on how to suggest to a loved one they need support a good read http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy. As for therapists in Essex, go to our booking site, it makes it very easy to do different searches for different issues (childhood trauma) and locations. Good luck! https://harleytherapy.com/

Hi Steve, glad you are feeling hopeful. I would just say though she has to want to talk to someone herself, only she can be the one making the choice to attend a therapy session, unfortunately it is her choice and only her choice. As for therapists in Scotland, our main team is located in London. We do have a new booking platform and you can check for scotland-based therapists there. Otherwise it might be a process of phoning/emailing any in your area you like the look/sound of and directly asking. Good luck!

Hi Christopher, it’s tough to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share our values. It sounds like you value talking about emotions and mental/emotional connection and she doesn’t. It doesn’t make one of you wrong and the other right, it just means that you are different and a relationship becomes a challenge. Maybe she has alexithymia, or possibly Asperger’s syndrome, maybe not. We don’t know her and we are only getting your side of the story. What concerns us is that you are worrying about her life and career but your relationship is over. It’s not up to you to manage her life now, it’s up to her. And you can’t change another person. That is solely up to them. We’d say you sound angry and upset and it’s time to deal with your own issues now. What drew you to a relationship that clearly didn’t give you what you needed and left you feeling rejected? What did you learn about love as a child? Deep down, do you feel you deserve to be loved and happy? All worth investigating. Best, HT

Hi Lori, it’s a big decision, and a life changing one. It is of course up to you what to do next, but this is the sort of issue that is well worth seeking some counselling sessions over and deep diving on. Sometimes just being in the presence of a non-judgemental person who isn’t invested in our choice but just listening can give us an all new clarity. Best, HT

Hi Ranna, the symptoms of alexithymia can also be other things. If you ‘know why it’s happened’ then it’s less likely to be alexithymia which is genetic, you’d be born with the tendency, it’s not something you get as a result of an experience. Trauma can cause us to feel numb and dissociated, unable to sense your feelings. But the feelings are still there, you are just dissociated. It would be great to talk to a therapist about what happened, yes. You can work with an online therapist, there are hundreds out there, and it doesn’t matter what country you are in, if you are interested you can for example use our booking platform here https://harleytherapy.com/. Best, HT.

Hi there, you say he ‘got 166 on the test’. Did he work with a professional psychologist or psychiatrist? Or did you ask him to take an online test? As the article states, alexithymia is a trait, not a diagnosis. It is often comorbid with many other things, a list of the most common is in the article. What we are curious about is that you are focussing heavily on diagnoses and what is ‘wrong’ with all those around you. Yet you admit that you have received bad parenting over the years, etc. Have you ever sought help for yourself? We can’t change other people, ever. The only person we have control over is ourselves. It’s easy to distract ourselves by focussing on what is wrong with everyone else around us, but at some point we have to look at ourselves. What is it within us that has created this life and chosen to be surrounded by what we are surrounded with? And what is our 50% in each of our relationships? What power are we exerting that we need to own? Therapy can help with all this and more. Best, HT.

Hi Jane, we don’t find what you are talking about has anything to do with alexithymia, simply human nature. It’s very, very common to be able to see flaws in others more easily than in ourselves. It’s hard to see and admit to our own flaws. In fact we’d say most people only develop the capacity to clearly see their own issues and how alike they are to the people they judge after they take a route of self development such as by doing therapy or reading self help books. And even then, it’s something we all have to work on. It’s just easier to analyse others over ourselves. Note the many references to this human flaw in different bodies of wisdom. The Bible has the famous, “First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye”. And then there is the well known “Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.” HT.

Hi there Anne, it’s a good question. We are wondering, have you directly asked her how she would like you to show her your love? There’s an interesting book called ‘Love Languages’ that suggests that we all assume others feel the same way about love, but we all actually have a certain way of showing love and wanting to be shown love, and things can go wrong in relationships if we speak different ‘languages’ on this front. It can be a question of direct communication to understand the language the other person speaks and wants to be spoken to in. For example, some people like to be told they are loved. Other people don’t feel loved by words, but need physical closeness, or small acts. So that would help from your end, asking her directly exactly how she wants love to be shown. Otherwise, unfortunately learning to let love in more does have to be from her end. She has to deal with the underlying roots of her depression and inability to feel loved, you can’t do that bit for her. Is she currently working with a therapist? Would be good to directly raise this with them and work on it. Best, HT.

Hi there Sheena, we absolutely can’t diagnose anyone based over a comment, it would do your son a disservice. You need to go see a counselling psychologist who is qualified to diagnose personality differences and gets to know your son and runs proper testing. It could, for example, be that he is on the autism spectrum, what used to be called ‘Asperger’s syndrome’ over alexithymia. Counselling is great as it not only helps with relating also helps your child to develop and recognise his strengths in a world that might increasingly tell him what is ‘wrong’ with him (it’s great that you as a mother are also focussed on his strengths). A good diagnosis will help as you as a parent can then also receive support, through support groups or counselling yourself. And if you are in the UK it might then qualify your son for and family for certain types of council-funded help. Of course if it is any kind of autism, the idea of seeing a psychologist and getting tested might feel very offensive to him, so you’d need to approach it carefully and in a positive way. Note that there is still a chance he is just a very logical person over emotional, and doesn’t fit any sort of diagnosis.best to leave it to an expert. Best, HT.

Hi Dave, obviously we can’t diagnose over the internet based on a comment not even made by the person themselves, but just to say from what you are saying, doesn’t sound like alexithymia. Just sounds like someone who has experienced life trauma and coped, as many do, by repressing feelings. So yes, she would be scared to talk about emotions, if suppressing them was what helped her survive difficult times. The thing is, it’s her life and the desire to do something about it does have to come from her. We aren’t sure what you said when you suggested counselling, that’s a tricky conversation to have, we have an article on it here http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy. Otherwise, sometimes one of the best ways we can encourage others to work through issues is to live by example. The simple truth is you would never have ended up in a relationship with someone so fragile if you didn’t have your own issues. It can be very easy to obsessively focus on the other, particularly if one of our issues is codependency, gaining a sense of worth by fixing others as we have low self-esteem otherwise (we aren’t saying that is your issue we are simply highlighting the sorts of things that can happen). We’d suggest you support the partner you obviously love by listening when she wants to talk, but not pushing otherwise. By believing she has the inner resources to sort out her life when she is ready. Then putting your focus on you. What in your life or your own past could use looking at? Could therapy perhaps help you as well? Is it time you yourself gave it a go? Best, HT.

Hi Ivy, we’d suggest you have this conversation with them and ask them these questions. Each person is unique. And a good friendship, like all relationships, is based on openness and communication. Also, are you sure they even have alexithymia? Is this their actual official diagnosis? They have shared with you? Or are you assuming this about them? If it’s an assumption, we’d advise you you try not to make assumptions, and that you again have an open, honest, non judgemental conversation with them, sharing with them you find them less emotional than you are used to, that you’d like to be a good friend, so you were curious to know more. And then listening to what they have to say. Best, HT.

Hi there Serena, we wouldn’t jump to conclusions. This doesn’t necessarily mean he has alexithymia. He might have just grown up in a home where it wasn’t safe to show feelings so has learned not to. Repressed emotions and low self esteem can lead to not having emotions and sexual difficulties, as can feeling nervous or judged. Or all sorts of other things, people and relating can be complicated, and unless we kindly and calmly ask someone what is up and listen, then we are really just making assumptions otherwise. In any case, some people just aren’t compatible, we aren’t all here to be friends or get along, and sounds like you two are different and it’s best you’ve gone your separate ways. But you are still upset and hurt by this. We’d say put the focus on that, on looking at your own feelings of being rejected, and on what made you choose this relationship, or what you think love and relating is, all sorts of things to learn here. The best place for your energy and focus is on you, and your own path, so that going forward you make choices that make you happy. We wish you all the best, HT.

Hi Clare, it’s a good question! Unfortunately none of us on the editorial team at this time are Alexithymia experts. The only thing that comes to mind is that shortness of breath is a common anxiety symptom, that comes from the stress response. So when the body feels under threat, the primal part of our brain sets off a bunch of physical symptoms, you can read about that in this article https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/fight-or-flight-response.htm. It is possible that if you don’t register emotions you might not register that you feel under threat even if you body does? We are just brainstorming here, please don’t take this as any sort of diagnosis! But what could be interesting would be to keep a diary of what events happened just before each bout of shortness of breath and try to see if there is any sort of pattern where it occurs after things that are challenging? Otherwise, mindfulness is a great tool to help raise awareness of both bodily sensations and emotions, if you wanted to give it a try we have a free guide on it here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout Best, HT.

Hi there A. We are not certain if what you are saying here is you met someone online and you have never actually met them in person. Or if this is someone you know and it’s just you see each other very little. If it’s the case that you have never met this person, which is what it seems, we’d encourage you to carefully reassess this situation. A relationship involves in person meetings, otherwise the person you are talking to might not at all be whom they seem. And they might be using you to pass the time, telling you they have Alexithymia to keep a distance between you to perhaps assuage their guilt for what they are actually doing, which is manipulating you, or to keep you hooked when they vanish to live their real life. As it’s a fairly rare diagnosis. So please be alert that a stranger who claims they are too busy to meet can have alternate agendas and be very careful. For example, has he not offered to do a video chat? Only to meet on forums? All of this aside, we don’t think this is about him at all, this is about you. We know it can be really hard if we feel lonely and lost in life with nobody to talk to, or struggle to make friends or date. Loneliness can eat us up inside and make us feel desperate for attention. But nobody else can make you feel loved, that has to come from you, we’re afraid. And it’s important you take this seriously, as if we don’t love ourselves but deep down don’t like ourselves, then we can quite easily become victim to those who will manipulate us. In summary, we sense that you have very, even dangerously low levels of self-esteem. So we’d highly, highly advise you reach out for some support. Could you access some counselling? We think it could really help you raise your self esteem and also teach you some healthy relating skills and help you look at where your ideas of love came from. Codependency, where we look to others for a sense of self and value, is not healthy, and it’s a pattern that often comes from a difficult childhood we need to talk about, heal, and learn from in a safe environment. Healthy relationships are actually a safe space to relax and be yourself, they aren’t a power game that you base your mood on, if that makes sense. In any case, if you are on a low budget we have an article on how to find low cost or even free counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. If you ever feel really low, don’t overlook calling a free mental health help line, we have a list of UK ones here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. We wish you courage and do take care of yourself. Best, HT.

Hi Fran, we are gathering this is a self diagnosis over having gone for an assessment with a psychiatrist? We can’t offer any diagnosis based on one comment, obviously, and we don’t know you. But just to say if you are aware when you are stressed, anxious, or angry, we’d guess it isn’t alexithymia that is the problem. What seems to come across in this comment is that you hate talking about emotions and don’t understand the focus on them, yes? Has this always been the case with you? This could perhaps, for example, place you more on the autism spectrum disorder than with alexithimya. But we aren’t saying with any certainty that’s the case either. What we really sense quite clearly is that you are very angry, that you don’t like the people around you, or feel like they understand you at all. And perhaps don’t have the set of relating skills to share your needs and wants in a non confrontational, productive way (which is not a criticism, often these are things we have to learn later in life if we don’t grow up in households where our parents model such behaviours). What we’d highly suggest is booking a session with a counselling psychologist or psychotherapist who could not only help you look at what this is really about and give you an informed opinion re alexithymia/autism etc, but could help you look at what isn’t working for you in your life and what you could do to change that. If they felt it was autism/asperger’s, then they could refer you onward to a psychiatrist for full assessment. Best, HT.