What is Alexithymia? When Emotions Just Aren’t Your Thing
By: Cafe Neu Romance
Do you draw a blank when people ask you how you feel? Are you often accused of not understanding others, or not showing enough empathy? Even when you tried your best?
You might have a personality trait called alexithymia.
[Does trying to understand others leave you lost and depressed? Want to talk to someone who understands? Book one of our Skype therapists now and get help as soon as tomorrow.]
What is Alexithymia?
If the word alexithmyia sounds like some strange foreign language, well it is. It’s made up from two Greek words that together mean ‘no words for emotions’.
So if you have alexithymia, you struggle to feel, understand, and describe emotions. This includes both your own emotions, and those of people around you.
Is Alexithymia a mental health disorder?
No. Alexithymia is not a personality disorder or a mental health disorder. It’s a personality ‘construct’, or ‘trait’.
What’s the difference? A personality trait is part of your way of being. It is not something big enough to completely dictate your way of being in all areas of life (personality disorder) or leave you incapable of managing your daily life (mental health disorder).
So if you are an ‘alexithymic’ or ‘alexithymiac’, you can be quite a regular person. And you can function perfectly well in life, except when it comes to intimate relationships. In fact some people’s alexithymia is so mild they live for decades without realising they even suffer from it.
By: Robert Benedict
That said, alexithymia is often a ‘comorbidity’ . This means it’s a diagnosis that is found at the same time as others. It’s also thought that having alexithymia makes you more vulnerable to other psychological issues.
Symptoms of alexithymia
So what does alexithymia look like?
Symptoms of alexityhmia can include the following:
- if people ask how you feel you draw a blank
- it’s equally hard to know what other people feel
- you see emotions as just happy and unhappy, why must it be more complicated?
- imagination and fantasy isn’t your thing
- you’d rather do things than think about them
- partners and friends often accuse you of ‘not understanding’ them (when you feel you do)
- you respond to situations with logic over emotions
- when you remember your dreams they are very logical compared to other people’s
- occasionally you might burst into tears or rage (but when asked about it after you don’t know what to say)
- sometimes you feel like life is pointless and you can’t win
- you aren’t emotional but you can be overwhelmed by life and feel anxious
- you tend to avoid close relationships
- if you do have relationships, they are not equal, you are in charge or let the other person take charge
- partners complain you are cold, distant, and/or not assertive enough.
The spectrum of alexithymia
Like many psychological issues, there seems to be quite a range when it comes to alexithymia. Some psychologists even divide alexithymia into two types, which they refer to as ‘primary’ ( you have symptoms all the time) and ‘secondary’ (you have symptoms when under stress).
Other differences are that some people with alexithymia do have emotional outbursts when others don’t. It’s just that the outbursts tend to be quick and extreme (tears, rage). And that afterwards you don’t have ways to understand or describe what happened, nor interest in doing so.
Why do I have alexithymia?
By: Image Editor
Nobody knows quite why one person has alexithymia and not another. Some scientists would like to prove it is simple as just genes and neuroscience.
But like most psychological issues, alexithymia is probably a a combination of both biology and environment. In other words, we might be born more prone to alexithymia than others, and then a substantial trauma when we were a child might trigger that tendency.
We are all as infants born incapable of describing emotions. We have to learn how to develop this skill through our interaction with our caregivers. One argument is that those with alexithymia could have had a difficult experience during this stage of development that meant they decided it was safer not to identify emotions.
As for research, one study showed that people who had suffered a brain injury were six times more likely to exhibit alexithymia than other people. And childhood trauma does ‘damage’ the brain. Another study found almost half of a study group of veterans with PTSD had symptoms of alexithymia. So these studies seems to support the environmental theory, of alexirythmia being caused by traumatic experience.
Alexithymia and related psychological disorders
Alexithymia is very often diagnosed alongside autism spectrum disorder. It’s often also found in those who have a diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
There are also many psychological issues that you might have along with alexirythmia. It’s possible these stem from the stress of living with alexirythmia. These include:
Do you want help with alexithymia? Harley Therapy connects you with some of London’s top counselling psychologists, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists. Just need someone to talk to about relationship problems? Use our booking platform to find a therapist near you or talk to a Skype therapist no matter where you live.
Still have a question about ‘what is alexithymia?’. Or want to share your thoughts about living with this issue or dating someone who has alexithymia? Post in our public comment box below.
Why cant I move on from my ex boyfruend?!
Hi Jane, this article might help https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/getting-over-a-breakup.htm
Where do I find a therapist to help with living with a spouse with Alexithymia?
Hi Karen, we don’t know what country you are in…. we are UK based. Are you in the UK?
I believe my husband has this. He suffered neglect and physical abuse when he was a child and was a drug addict for much of his life, though he has been clean for years.
Is there a therapist in Essex that could help him?
Hi Keely, he might, but note that severe trauma can cause a child to grow up into an adult who suppresses all emotions. This is different then Alexithymia, where the emotional spectrum really isn’t there. Trauma can trigger it, but it would already be present as an inbuilt personality trait. In either case, it’s a great idea to seek therapy, if he wants to! It must be his choice. You might find our article on how to suggest to a loved one they need support a good read http://bit.ly/lovedonetherapy. As for therapists in Essex, go to our booking site, it makes it very easy to do different searches for different issues (childhood trauma) and locations. Good luck! https://harleytherapy.com/
Wondering if you can help. My girlfriend of 7 years has always severely struggled with showing any of emotion of any kind, very difficult to communicate with, and our step son and family have mentioned about help and seeing someone but she always said that she doubts anyone would understand etc. We seperated due to no communication and lack of understanding at the beginning of the year, but I have since discovered Alexithymia and its 100% exactly to her traits, I don’t think that this is something that was ever considered before but I think it would be perfect for her to talk to someone that understands what Alexithymia is, is there anyone in Scotland that would be able to help?
Reading about it it feels like this has just literally unlocked the MASSIVE wall/door that’s always had no explanation.
Hi Steve, glad you are feeling hopeful. I would just say though she has to want to talk to someone herself, only she can be the one making the choice to attend a therapy session, unfortunately it is her choice and only her choice. As for therapists in Scotland, our main team is located in London. We do have a new booking platform and you can check for scotland-based therapists there. Otherwise it might be a process of phoning/emailing any in your area you like the look/sound of and directly asking. Good luck!
Hi. I was in a relationship for a very long time, and it was very frustrating for me that she never (litterally never) talked about emotions . I once asked, very gentle, if something in her past could have happened making it difficult to talk about her feeling. She just replied, somewhat annoyed, “no, nothing has happened”. And the conversation was over. But I, unaware of Alexithymia, was fairly sure she had something in her past causing her no always just say “no, nothing is wrong“ when asked. And I asked because I often felt rejected or alone in this relationship, subtle flirting from my side was never given response, she struggled with saying “I love you”, and she never gave compliments. I stayed because I was sure she had her issues and I was going to be there for her when she ‘imploded’. And of course a lot of good qualities except for the intimate side of a relationship. And then – after 6 unsuccessful attempts of assisted pregnancy – she dumped me in the most brutal and unempathic (and immature) way (“it’s you, not me”). And then, finally, I deared challenge her with ‘talks about feelings”. It was disturbing and she completely lacks understanding and empathy. She also quoted me on something I had said, but she missed completely due to a extremely literal interpretation of the words I had used. So, no excuses and no understanding, and I actually think she believed everything she said. My only worry now is she suddenly finds herself in a career-threatening situation, also this she does not recognize (or accept). But extremely out of character. Alexithymic perhaps, it certainly fits.
Hi Christopher, it’s tough to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share our values. It sounds like you value talking about emotions and mental/emotional connection and she doesn’t. It doesn’t make one of you wrong and the other right, it just means that you are different and a relationship becomes a challenge. Maybe she has alexithymia, or possibly Asperger’s syndrome, maybe not. We don’t know her and we are only getting your side of the story. What concerns us is that you are worrying about her life and career but your relationship is over. It’s not up to you to manage her life now, it’s up to her. And you can’t change another person. That is solely up to them. We’d say you sound angry and upset and it’s time to deal with your own issues now. What drew you to a relationship that clearly didn’t give you what you needed and left you feeling rejected? What did you learn about love as a child? Deep down, do you feel you deserve to be loved and happy? All worth investigating. Best, HT
As I’m writing this, I’m feeling my emotions surge into tears. I have been married to my husband now for 23 years and I am shocked and stunned to stumble across this condition on your website called Alexithymia!!! My husband experiences no negative emotions, and is generally limited to feeling happy, excited, cheerful. I have always known that there was something seriously wrong, we have done a little therapy, but he wouldn’t/couldn’t engage in it. We have two sons, 18 and 21, both of whom have struggled with their father a LOT! My husband has little or no real emotional attachment to them, is just logical, superficial and distant. Both are gifted, one very highly, one has ADD. I have a very good relationship with them thank goodness, but I have fought alone through all the difficulties and feel terribly sad that we have had to go through such extreme difficulties. I live in germany but was born in Suffolk as the youngest of five daughters, and I struggled to establish my identity in a very strongly female dominated family. My father was also undemonstrative in the positive areas but loud and sarcastic in the negatives. We all bring our problems to relationships, I don’t blame my husband despite feeling angry that he does nothing to help himself or especially US! I don’t know if I want to remain in my marriage, but I am very afraid to separate, as my own parents did after 25 years and it was like a tsunami! Neither of them handled the situation like mature adults and it took me a long time to recover. It’s also possible of course that I have married someone with similar issues as my father!!! I can also relate to everything that Christopher said previously!!! Almost word for word! I will investigate Alexithymia and hopefully it can help in some way. Many thanks to you!
PS. I think it is really important for me to make decisions now for my own future. I do still have feelings for my husband, some parts of our relationship are quite good, we are basically companions. BUT, I don’t know if it is enough for me for the rest of my life. I am now 57!!
Hi Lori, it’s definitely an interesting condition. We don’t know your husband, and it could be several things… some people simply aren’t ‘seekers’, or ‘deep divers’. It seems we can be born with different sorts of brains and some people just seem here to explore and grow and others to just trundle along taking what comes…. some of us are vastly emotional, like instruments, often we are born into a life of trauma, too, as if we are here to feel and then feel some more…. others seem to be less emotional, to experience less tough stuff. Often it’s not that one is right and the other isn’t, but that we want the other person to understand us, when they see from a different lens. Often the pain comes not from being different, but from the endless fury of being misunderstood. Either we decide to fully accept that understanding will never come, and take people as they are, or we have to choose a new route, again, neither choice is right or wrong, just a choice. As for dating someone like a parent, absolutely, we have an article on that… we tend to life in repeat patterns, unfortunately! Best, HT
Hi Lori, it’s a big decision, and a life changing one. It is of course up to you what to do next, but this is the sort of issue that is well worth seeking some counselling sessions over and deep diving on. Sometimes just being in the presence of a non-judgemental person who isn’t invested in our choice but just listening can give us an all new clarity. Best, HT
Hi ,, recently I was realize that alexithymia symptoms are in myself , i admit it happend to me since many years ago but I didn’t realize it, I have zero knowledge about my own physiological health , and after I read more about this personality trait I can say I know why it’s happend and what it cause , so I need a help , how can I get therapist ? I am Indonesian citizen but live in Russia , I prefer online treatment ,
Hi Ranna, the symptoms of alexithymia can also be other things. If you ‘know why it’s happened’ then it’s less likely to be alexithymia which is genetic, you’d be born with the tendency, it’s not something you get as a result of an experience. Trauma can cause us to feel numb and dissociated, unable to sense your feelings. But the feelings are still there, you are just dissociated. It would be great to talk to a therapist about what happened, yes. You can work with an online therapist, there are hundreds out there, and it doesn’t matter what country you are in, if you are interested you can for example use our booking platform here https://harleytherapy.com/. Best, HT.