🛋️ Premium Therapists 🔍 Find a Therapist

Forgive and Forget Hard? 12 Reasons Why You Can’t Move On

Forgive and Forget

by Andrea M. Darcy

Who hasn’t at some point advised a friend or loved one to just ‘forgive and forget’?

And yet when it’s our turn to be the forgiver, it can be a different story.

Why is it that forgiveness is so much easier said than done?

Do we have to forgive others?

Yes, research shows that forgiveness has a lot of benefits. For example, a study on female survivors of emotionally abusive relationships found that ‘forgiveness therapy’ led to less anxiety and depression, better decision making, and a greater ability to manage emotions.

But sometimes what we want to forgive really is a big ask.

Difficult things can happen, and in such cases it’s best not to be hard on yourself if you can’t move on and forgive. There is no rule that we have to forgive everyone. Sometimes the best we can do is work to find acceptance, and seek the help of a professional if that is a struggle. 

Am I stressed or depressed online quiz

But other times we can’t forgive because we simply have yet to recognise the pattern or the self-deception we are stuck in that is stopping us from letting go.

12 Reasons You Can’t Forgive and Forget

See if one of the reasons below is holding you back from forgiving and forgetting for once and for all.

1) You aren’t being honest with yourself about the real cause of your hurt.

We can convince ourselves we are mad at someone for one thing, when really we are upset about something entirely different. We won’t forgive a sibling for not coming to our party, when really we are secretly furious they insinuated our marriage wouldn’t last.

The first one is easier to be mad about, but to forgive we have to admit what we really need to let go of.

Forgiving

2) You’ve attached your current upset to bigger upsets from the past.

When someone does something that hurts us it can trigger older, deeper pains.

Without realising it we can engage in the ‘snowball affect’. We unconsciously layer the new hurt to the old hurt, until we are facing something too big and overwhelming to forgive and forget.

For example, if our partner leaves us, we can experience feelings of rejection that can pile on top of unresolved experiences of abandonment from childhood. Soon enough we think we have to forgive our partner for thinking we aren’t worthy of love. When really all they did was leave an adult relationship that was no longer serving a positive purpose.

That’s why therapy is so wonderful at helping us forgive. It can help us separate past hurts from present hurts, as well as stop us recreating patterns of pain that put us in a position of needing to forgive in the first place.

3) You have mistaken forgiving someone with accepting what they did.

Forgiving someone involves finding at least a modicum of compassion for the other party and their choices. It means allowing yourself to process and heal the hurt their actions have caused you.

This does not, however, mean that you condone what they did. You can disagree with their actions and still let go of your hurt.

How to Forgive Someone

4) You are scared that if you forgive someone you’ll be made vulnerable.

Feeling angry can make us feel ‘tough’, and can be like an armour keeping away more hurt.

But not forgiving someone leaves us replaying a painful situation in our mind until it erodes our sense of worth. This actually leave us more vulnerable in the long run.

Think of the last time you were furious with someone. How did you feel when you saw them? In all likelihood you felt threatened and very shaken.

But then think of how you felt years later, when all was water under the bridge, and you had let go or resentment. Did they then have any power over you at all?

5) You are addicted to the benefits of having a grievance.

Not forgiving someone allows us to feel sorry for ourselves, and to gain the attention of others for what has happened to us. That attention can be like a drug we want more of to make ourselves feel better and wanted.

Forgiveness requires being able to let go of our victimhood and realise that we are ready for the better benefits of moving on. It means being ready to feel powerful and choose good things for ourselves.

6) You think that to forgive someone you have to talk to them.

Forgiveness is about you, and how you feel about something and someone, not how they react to how you feel.

The other person doesn’t have to know anything about your decision. In fact if we want forgiveness to involve a confrontation, we often aren’t ready to forgive at all, but are still looking for more drama.

7) You are scared of the emotions that might rise up if you try to forgive. 

Forgiveness can be similar to the process of grieving, full of ups and downs.

But repressing sadness and rage has long-term effects that can be even more difficult to deal with. So it is definitely a case of the sooner you allow your feelings out and start letting go the better.

8) You don’t trust that if you forgive someone they will forgive you back.

Forgiveness is not a guaranteed two-way street. Often, by letting go of something, we do naturally affect others around us, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way.

And if we think that we are forgiving the other person ‘for their sake’, then it is not really forgiveness at all. It’s a form of control that puts you in the place of superiority, rather than the place of compassion true forgiveness requires.

Forgive but Never Forget

9) You need to forgive yourself first.

Forgiving the other person usually entails taking responsibility for our part of what happened.

If, for example, our child gets in trouble with the law, we might be scared to forgive him, as it would mean we’d have to forgive ourselves for perhaps not being as available to our child as he needed.

The wonderful thing is that when we do forgive ourselves for the choices we made that led us to be hurt by another? We often spontaneously forgive the other. Start with you and see what happens.

10) You think that if you forgive you have to forget.

Our experiences of being wronged or wounded in life show us our own values, and earn us our personal strength. If we try too hard to forget what happened we might find ourselves just repeating a similar painful scenario down the line.

Forgive the other, and forget the pain with time, but hold on to those learnings.

11) You simply aren’t ready to forgive.

Although in an ideal world we’d just ‘decide’ to forgive someone, and then, voilà, we just let go and move on? The heart has its own timing. Again, if you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready, and we don’t have to ever forgive if it doesn’t feel right.

Keep focussing on ways to move forward and be good to yourself, and let the moment of forgiveness come of its own accord (or not).

12) You are trying to reach a destination that doesn’t exist. 

Although in the western world we like to see forgiveness as a sort of destination we can reach with enough determination on our part, the truth is that forgiveness is a process.

It takes time, it has ups and downs, and it is a long-term commitment. Even if we do forgive, a few months down the line we can be triggered by something we see or hear, feel pain again, and have to recommit to forgiveness.

Having trouble forgiving someone and it’s bringing you down? We connect you with some of London’s highest rated therapists. Or use our booking site to connect with UK-wide registered therapists and online counsellors you can work with from any country. 


Want to share you own experience of learning to forgive and forget with other readers? Use the comment box below. Note we do not provide professional therapy via comments, but are happy to answer questions about the article. 

Andrea M. DarcyAndrea M. Darcy is the editor and lead writer of this site. An ex screenwriter turned mental health writer who has penned thousands of articles, she has done training in person centred therapy and coaching.

find affordable online therapists
Blog Topics: Anger Management


159 Responses to “Forgive and Forget Hard? 12 Reasons Why You Can’t Move On”
  1. Anon
  2. Harley Therapy
  3. Diamond
  4. Harley Therapy
  5. cai
  6. Harley Therapy
  7. Pippa
  8. Nicholas John
  9. Harley Therapy
  10. Harley Therapy
  11. Aron
  12. Harley Therapy
  13. Smylezz
  14. Harley Therapy
  15. Neri
  16. Harley Therapy
  17. Nat
  18. Bitter and Confused
  19. Harley Therapy
  20. Harley Therapy
  21. Mary
  22. Harley Therapy
  23. Linda
  24. Harley Therapy
  25. Anon
  26. Harley Therapy
  27. Nick
  28. Harley Therapy
  29. ailish
  30. Harley Therapy
  31. Esther O.
  32. Harley Therapy
  33. Fiona
  34. Harley Therapy
  35. Lex
  36. Harley Therapy
  37. Nikki
  38. Harley Therapy
  39. Jo
  40. Harley Therapy
  41. Clare
  42. Harley Therapy
  43. Jacky
  44. Harley Therapy
  45. Felicia
  46. Harley Therapy
  47. Lee
  48. Harley Therapy
  49. Aysa
  50. Harley Therapy
  51. ELi
  52. Harley Therapy
  53. Donna
  54. Harley Therapy
  55. Charlotte
  56. Harley Therapy
  57. Charlotte
  58. Harley Therapy
  59. Charlotte
  60. Harley Therapy
  61. Gail
  62. Harley Therapy
  63. Mika
  64. Harley Therapy
  65. Anon
  66. Harley Therapy
  67. Shirley
  68. Harley Therapy
  69. Anon
  70. Harley Therapy
  71. Who cares?
  72. Harley Therapy
  73. Jacqui
  74. Harley Therapy
  75. Anon
  76. Harley Therapy
  77. Anen
  78. Harley Therapy
  79. Anon
  80. Harley Therapy
  81. Kelly
  82. Harley Therapy
  83. Robyn
  84. Harley Therapy
  85. xyz
  86. Harley Therapy
  87. Anon
  88. Harley Therapy
  89. Amber
  90. Harley Therapy
  91. Valerie
  92. Harley Therapy
  93. Mad Mom
  94. Harley Therapy
  95. Beth
  96. Harley Therapy
  97. Roni
  98. Harley Therapy
  99. Roni
  100. Harley Therapy
  101. No name
  102. Harley Therapy
  103. No name
  104. Harley Therapy
  105. Tarynn
  106. Harley Therapy
  107. Ali
  108. Constance
  109. Harley Therapy
  110. Constance
  111. Harley Therapy
  112. Harley Therapy
  113. Willow
  114. Lin
  115. Lorrie
  116. Harley Therapy
  117. Harley Therapy
  118. Harley Therapy
  119. Claire
  120. Harley Therapy
  121. Pam
  122. Harley Therapy
  123. Dave
  124. Harley Therapy
  125. Pauline
  126. Pauline
  127. Harley Therapy
  128. Sonam
  129. Harley Therapy
  130. Mary
  131. Harley Therapy
  132. Melissa
  133. Harley Therapy
  134. Raquel (Rocky)
  135. Stella
  136. Harley Therapy
  137. Harley Therapy
  138. S
  139. Harley Therapy
  140. Diana
  141. Harley Therapy
  142. Murray
  143. Harley Therapy
  144. Natalie
  145. Harley Therapy
  146. Veronica
  147. Harley Therapy
  148. Marcus
  149. Harley Therapy
  150. Rohan
  151. Harley Therapy
  152. Anon
  153. Harley Therapy
  154. Greg Mover
  155. MEM
  156. Riri
  157. Ian Bolar
  158. Danielle
  159. Carla

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *