12 Steps to Overcoming Bitterness
By: Tommaso Meli
Anger involves outrage followed by action, as you decide how best to handle your situation.
Bitterness can feel worse than anger because it involves feeling helpless. Referred to as ’embitterment’ in psychology circles, bitterness happens when you feel there is no action left to take because everything is out of your control.
While it might be true you can’t change what happened that has left you bitter — you can’t undo it if you were in an accident, or get back the promotion that your colleague won instead — you can take action to move forward in your life and away from bitterness.
Is overcoming bitterness worth the effort? Bitterness not only causes symptoms of trauma like sleeplessness, fatigue, and lack of libido, it can in the long term lead to low self-confidence, negative personality shifts, and an inability to have a healthy relationship. So it’s worth looking at.
[For more on the symptoms and effects of bitterness, read our article on “Why Bitterness is a Real Psychological Concern.”]
12 Ways to Overcome Bitterness
So what can you do if you are stuck in the bitterness trench and can’t climb out? Here are 12 ways to start dealing with your resentment.
1. Do a serious re-evaluation.
By: Bev Sykes
Bitterness thrives on sympathy. And often, in telling our story to others, we stop telling the truth to ourselves about what really happened and what is truly upsetting us.
Ask yourself good questions to dig deeper into facts and feelings. Journalling can be a great tool here (as can a counsellor who is trained at asking powerful questions).
What about the situation really upsets you when you go through it? What are the details that actually haunt you, versus what you tell your friends bothers you because they all agree it should?
If you were the victim of fraud, is it losing the money that has upset you, or is really being made to look stupid that has you bitter? Are you upset your partner left you for another, or is the truth that you wanted the relationship to end but are bitter that their new partner is wealthier or more attractive than you?
Re-evaluate the thing that was actually lost, too. Do you still want it? Is it still attainable? Or is it all something you really have long since outgrown?
You’d be surprised how many people hold a grudge over the loss of something they discover they no longer even want.
2. Put your story on hold.
As for that story about what happened to you – what would happen if, just or a week, or even a few days, you take a break from telling it?
Telling the story of what happened to you to those whose job it is to help you, or because you are trying to find new and positive ways to deal with your situation, is one thing. But telling the story of what happened to you again and again in a negative way to everyone you meet is often a form of keeping yourself stuck in victimhood.
It might be harder than you think to not mention what happened to you at all for some time, but give it a try. Enlist friends to keep you on track, or try putting a rubber band around your wrist and ‘pinging’ it just enough to cause you a sting each time you find yourself telling your story again. This is thought to train the brain away from entrenched patterns.
3. Take what responsibility you can.
As for that victimhood that your story generates – if you are a victim, you are helpless.
If can see your hand in things, it means you had power then, and still have it now.
Of course not all situations contain personal responsibility. If you are bitter that a loved one died in a senseless war, there is nothing you did to make that happen.
But many people who are bitter know they had a part in what took place, but are too ashamed to admit to it.
Remember, the point of acknowledging your responsibility in what transpired is not to blame yourself, which is counterproductive, but to reclaim your personal power.
if you are bitter that you lost a substantial amount of money in a scam, where there signs you chose to overlook, or research you knew you should have done but chose not to? Did you ignore warning signs and jump into an unwise relationship? Or ignore your friend’s warnings that your partner was a cheat?
4. Stop spying.
Unfortunately, today’s technology and social media provides the perfect fodder for bitterness if there are other people involved. Spying on the person who triggered your upset is really a form of self-torture that involves comparing yourself to others unfavourably, and inevitably it lowers self-esteem.
Spying on others can also be addictive. If you can’t stop spying, you might need support. Tell a good friend, seek a support group (if it’s an ex you are spying on, a love and romance addiction group could help, for example). If you feel out of control, you might want to talk to your GP who can refer you to a counsellor for a round of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
5. Face up to your hidden fears.
Bitterness often is a perfect disguise for a fear of change or of failing. If you deal with the fear, you won’t need the bitterness anymore.
For example, if you are claiming you will never do the PhD you dreamed of because you were scammed out of all your savings, you might discover that actually, you are terrified you aren’t smart enough to finish the PhD. Is it possible you are holding on to your bitterness about money when you could work on your confidence, take a student loan, and get on with your dreams?
6. Forgive – but only at your own pace.
Forgiveness is a great psychological release – but only if you are ready and it’s real.
Fake forgiveness can be a way of just denying how you feel, or even hold you back from processing emotions and situations.
(Read more in our article, 12 Reasons Why You Can’t Move On).
7. And don’t forget to forgive yourself, too.
This might be the hardest but most important part of moving on from bitterness.
It’s possible to hold on to bitterness for a long time so you can focus your anger on someone else, because the truth is you are furious at yourself, and that feels too hard to face.
Finding ways to reframe what happened in ways that show yourself compassion can be a great release.
If you feel overwhelmed at this thought, again, don’t be afraid to seek support. Bitterness is a hard thing for anyone to get over, and sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit you need help. You might want to try a round of compassion-focussed therapy, a new kind of psychotherapy exclusively geared to help you be easier on yourself.
Or, start now by reading our article that explains 10 Ways You Can Show Yourself Compassion.
By: jeronimo sanz
8. Step into the now.
Bitterness often consists of “dining out” on the awful thing that happened to you, and fantasising about revenge or thoughts of where you’d be now if things had gone differently. In other words, it lives in the past and the future.
Get into the now moment by concerning yourself with current opportunities and goals that are about you and a positive future.
One of the best techniques for staying now centred is mindfulness. A tool now used by many therapists with their clients, it trains you to constantly check in with your feelings, become conscious of the thoughts that are distracting you, and learn to notice the good things right in front of you.
9. Branch out.
Bitterness tends to fade in the face of excitement and joy – in other words, new and better experiences. Explore a longtime interest, re-connect with others, choose some new things to put into your life.
10. Set mini goals for yourself each day.
Bitterness is a powerful tide, and best intentions to do things like try new things and be mindful can soon be caught in its tug. The way around this is to not just make big goals, but also small goals every morning that keep you on the road away from bitterness.
From meditating for ten minutes to doing the research to find three possible schools that offer the language course you are interested in, make sure your goals are achievable. Feeling a failure is the opposite of what you want here. Use SMART guidelines for your mini goals just like you would with a larger goal.
11. Try a new perspective.
A mood of embitterment can have us seeing life from a very narrow perspective indeed. A great coaching tool to help you move forward in life is to imagine what the situation you are struggling with would look like from a different viewpoint entirely. Read our piece on How to Change Your Perspective for some great advice on seeing your life in all new ways.
12. Seek support.
Yes, we keep saying it. But the truth is that bitterness can be quite the battle to move on from. And sometimes the strongest tactic and easiest way forward is to accept help. If your friends and loved ones are great listeners with no agenda, perfect. But if you need an unbiased viewpoint and a place you don’t feel judged, again, try a support group or a counsellor or psychotherapist. To find a trained therapist online, visit harleytherapy.com to easily and quickly book counselling today.
Do you have a tactic for letting go of bitterness we didn’t mention? Why not share it below?
this goes out to you know who at my last job because you all are the worse! Get a life and stop being so horrible to people who come to work and not play your stupid childish games. I’ve had a lot of bad work environments but I must say this last one was Cherry on the cake! Grow up!
It sounds like you are very frustrated. We are glad that you have moved on to another job, but if you are still thinking about the people at the past one, it sounds like they have really triggered something within. Is this a pattern at all? Do you often feel angry and frustrated?
I have been trying to let go of bitterness, and it seems all of my coping skills are exhausted. I have been hit with major health issues one after the other for decades: crohns disease, a brain tumor, epilepsy, sinus surgeries, to name a few. I also have problems with mental illness and cognitive problems from the tumor. I came from an abusive family and therefore haven’t had one, so I’m out here on my own, disabled, vulnerable and very poor. I am bitter when I see people enjoying all they are able to take for granted. I am bitter when they complain of one problem when mine are all encompassing, so I’ve lost my ability to connect even with my friends. I can’t afford therapy with all of the other medical costs and demands. Maybe I’m just tired.
Well goodness, who wouldn’t be tired, it’s perfectly understandable. And it’s perfectly understandable to feel bitter and angry too. What would happen if you just stopped comparing yourself to anyone? To a single soul? What if, just for today, or even just for half of today, you only compared yourself to you? How much of a relief would it be to just stop the comparison to everyone else? And to just see how you are doing today compared to other worse days, and give yourself some credit? What is most worrisome reading this is the total lack of connection to anyone else at all. I know it can seem easier, to just cut off, but connection is now proven by research to be healing and pretty darned necessary to survive down here. Do you have a hobby that you can connect with people over, even if just behind a computer screen in forums where your privacy is protected? Or, could you find a support group for those with illness locally? Usually free, they are a chance to connect with others who have similar experiences. As for having no money, there is still support available. Read our article on free or low cost counselling for ideas. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm And finally, if connecting with others just makes you want to scream (we get it, it happens), and you want to try something absolutely free and, if you stick to it, something that can bring a lot of acceptance and peace you couldn’t find otherwise, we suggest mindfulness. We offer a complete easy to read free guide here. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm , https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm (you’ll also find great free resources all over the net.) We wish you strength, and commend you for all the strength you’ve had so far.
I got divorced nine years ago. My ex husband cheated throughout our marriage and was emotionally abusive making me feel worthless. We have three daughters. He hasn’t had any contact with them for five years. He has never paid me any maintenance. I left with nothing and still struggle financially. I can’t stop feeling bitter and resentful as mutual friends tell me he goes away every weekend and has at least three luxury holidays a year (with his new wife). It just seems so unfair. I really want to let go of this bitterness.
It definitely sounds unfair, too! Sometimes bitterness lingers when we let people overstep boundaries that we do have power to set. It doesn’t solve everything, but it certainly helps to make sure you are setting boundaries that are acceptable and fair and are not being a victim if you don’t have to be. Not paying maintenance is usually/always against the law. If you don’t have the money for a lawyer, seek assistance from a family charity that can help. It’s not ‘mean’ or ‘petty’ to seek money to support your children, it’s the law. And it certainly helps self esteem to set boundaries, which is never a bad thing!
I find that my days are filled with endless bitterness, despondency and apathy. I am over 40, never married and no children – all of which I dreamed out, and prayed for, and fully anticipated my entire adult life. I guess my bitterness lies in the fact that I had NO control over finding a suitable mate or having children with that mate. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m bitter because I was taught my entire life to hold a high moral standard for my mate and insisting on a traditional marriage and then kids. I honestly feel I did everything the best I could; ie. cut ties with men who were disrespectful (cheating, lying, stealing, abusive), tried to live a moral life and helping people (charity work, random acts of kindness, etc) ONLY to be rewarded with a life deficient of a family and age that prevents it from ever happening. I grieve for my unborn children and cannot endure social media, even though I sometimes self-torture, seeing my friends and families kids grow up and even some becoming grandparents when I never even got the opportunity to have a child. I feel lost and honestly am finding it hard to see the point of life with no legacy and no heirs.
I have been a good person for a majority of my life, I make jokes, I am easy to talk to, and I have a good soul, but I am so bitter from all the people who hurt me. I have gotten to a point where I literally say I hate people, and prefer to have no connection at all, I have even stopped believing in showing love and compassion to people as well, ( not a sociopath btw). I find myself angry and being mean to those who don’t deserve it. I hate what these associates did to me and I just want to know, what should I do, to guard myself from feeling like this?
Please pray for me
to release this anger, resentment and bitterness in my soul
I seem to keep a negative attitude toward others, even tho I’ve prayed and prayed it still lies within me ,feeling hopeless
It sounds like you are really judging yourself as a ‘bad’ or ‘flawed’ person for feeling bitter. Psychotherapy has a different viewpoint. It would believe that you have these feelings as you have had difficult experiences in life and were perhaps also not bought up in an environment where you felt accepted and loved no matter what your emotions.This leaves a child to repress emotions and feel resentful, and this continues into adulthood. You are not flawed, you are just a person who has had confusing messages in life and now feels angry and maybe alone. You probably also have a wonderful kind side. We all consist of all emotions, no matter how mixed up they can all be. The secret is to develop self-compassion, to learn to accept yourself, and to learn how to release your feelings. When we learn to accept ourselves, we learn to accept others more, too (we have a piece on our site about self-compassion that explains this well https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/self-compassion.htm). When there is a backup of emotions that is controlling our lives, it is of course highly recommended to seek support as it might be a lot to unravel alone. Could you find a counsellor or therapist to talk to? It can be a huge relief to have a safe, nonjudgemental environment to let all the things stuck inside come out.
The reason why i got to see this site..is because I need help …i feel helpless. ..writing what i have gone through. ..what i am going through. ..what i feel…my mind and everything is enough to fill a book…I wish i could talk to you in person
This is some very honest sharing, thank you, Angela. And good for you for being so honest. The last thing you need is someone telling you to be grateful for what you do have, or to try mindfulness, etc. What might help instead is just finding support to really go deeply into instead of away from this rage, sadness, and deep sense of loss, and get to the bottom of it. You are really in mourning by the sounds of it. And to look at the patterns that keep repeating in life, as it sounds like there was a pattern of attracting difficult men in there. It might seem that there is no way out, that all is over, but you are stuck in the forest at the moment, where all there are are trees, so to speak.Have you considered counselling? As what you are dealing with it pretty enormous and just a lot for anyone to handle alone. If it’s out of the budget, do read our piece on free and low cost counselling. Just allowing yourself the safe space to get out all this upset, and to find a new perspective, might be more powerful and freeing than you expect. And it will create the space for other possibilities you haven’t seen of what might make you feel more satisfied. We do hope you give it a thought, and wish you well.
Thank you for sharing Nicole. It takes a lot of courage to admit you need help. No matter how helpless you feel, there are ways forward. It might sound unbelievable, but the first step, as you seem to instinctively realise, is to find someone to talk to. Do know that in every country there is some form of free hotline available, in the UK and the USA this is the Good Samaritans. If you can’t afford a counsellor or therapist at this time, read our article on free and low cost counselling for inspiration on finding help https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm
Well first of all, maybe consider, do you really need to ‘guard yourself’ from it? Is it really a crime to feel angry, bitter, non perfect, and sometimes to feel hateful? It sounds like you have tried so hard to live up to some unreal ideal of being a ‘good person’ when really the other perspective is, what if we are all just human? What if it’s okay to have all emotions? What if you are acceptable and loveable just as you are? Things to consider. It’s only when we finally have self-compassion for ourselves we can have compassion for others. We’d suggest you use the search bar to find our piece on ‘self-compassion’ which you might find an interesting read. Otherwise, it would be a good idea to consider finding someone to talk to about this. A good therapist or counsellor or therapist won’t judge you for any of this. Far from it. They create a safe space to let these emotions out and find some inner peace again. If money is an issue, also read our piece on low cost or free counselling. We hope you consider it, as living with no connection at all makes us sad to hear. All the best, John.
I feel really bitter thoughts about my time at university. I met a friend who was having severe health issues, and I stood by their side. I definitely took on more than I should have. However, I was the only person they had. I didn’t want to abandon them at such a tough time. My studies suffered, and I was definitely mentally exhausted from everything. I feel resentment because I feel like I missed out on making more friends, and doing better in classes. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way because the person was going through an incredibly tough time. Especially since this person is so nice, and has always been a good friend to me. They are still going through a tough time health wise, and I am trying to be a good friend and stick by them. I can’t talk to them about it because I believe it would cause them too much stress now. I just feel like I can’t look back fondly at those years, and it makes me very sad because I was always looking forward to it. I definitely acknowledge that a lot of is that I’m not the best student there is, or have the best social skills, but I always think that I could have done more, and better. Thank you for your article, I will definitely try to keep your points in mind.
I have a couple of issues that I hold a strong resentment. 1. When I was a child, I was molested by two of my uncles in which one spent time in jail a short period. I have not been able to forgive my relatives at all. They have attempted speaking with me, and I shunned them. I am not the only individual to be molested by these two uncles, yet I’m probably the only one holding on to the anger and resentment. I forgive them in a way, but I don’t want anything to do with them because I’m now 38 years old with children of my own and the act that damaged me caused me to be paranoid of everyone, and I punished my kids by being overprotective and overbearing. The psychological damage from the sexual abuse has shadowed me my whole life, and I honestly wish to get over this part of my life. 2. I’m married to a man who has cheated the whole duration of the relationship. Many things I didn’t find out until many years’s later. My husband has given me sexually transmitted disease which was treated and cured but, he has bragged about having unprotective sex and how he doesn’t “Use condoms.” I have in return cheated on him a felt awful because I know it isn’t who I am. I acknowledge that participating in his game has only made him feel that he will always be apart of my life. I have a psychiatrist and also, take medication for PTSD, Generalized Anxiety and Major Depression.
I made my husband leave for the well-being of our children and both of us. He was gone ten months and begged to come back with promises of doing whatever it takes to be the man he promised me he would be. He recently cheated on me again and said that he is sick….he moved to a different job location and now has a therapist and psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and is currently taking medication. He is a habitual liar. The medication hasn’t changed anything, such as his reckless behavior, speaking down to me, or his lying.
I know that I am partially responsible for everything. I set boundaries that were just ignored. I know that CO-Dependance plays a huge part to why I let him continually hurt and disrespect our family. I have found that both situations make me feel the same way the difference being now I’m focused more so on my husband’s infidelity, manipulation tactics, and lies more than what my uncles have caused me…but, the two situations remind me of each other.
I was in such peace when my husband was gone, and now that I have let him back into my life it’s even harder than the first time to make him leave due to financial reasons. I would like to get over my resentment and be able to forgive them all so I can have a more fulfilling life.
i need to move on
Good to recognise! But it takes time, so do what you can but allow yourself to feel what you feel. If you can’t move on, do seek the support of a counsellor.
Maria, thanks for this honest sharing. There are a lot of good questions to ask here. What would happen if you didn’t have to take care of everyone else? What inside you feels that is your job? Are others more important than taking care of yourself? Do you deserve love without doing anything at all, or do you feel you have to deserve love? Did you have to be good, perfect and helpful as a child to receive love? We’d suggest you read about codepedency. It’s a way of relating to others where you put their needs first and gain your sense of self through overgiving only to later feel bitter. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm
Ok, I am in therapy and I’m not trying to be whiny. Also, I have wondered for so long what causes people to be bitter just to realize I’m bitter. In high school 6 people I cared about died and so did 2 of my cats, when I was very young my brother Isaac died, when I was 8.5 my favorite aunt and her baby both died, and when I was in 7th grade my Great Grandma died. Also, when I was younger my parent (whom was abused as a child) would yell at me and be like “I wish I could beat you like my mom beat me” and they eventually started asking my other brother and I stuff like “would you miss me if I disappeared” and asked my other parent to put a gun to their head (even though they told me suicide was a bad thing). Also, my parent used to threaten to send us to foster care. I have no idea how to forgive them. It seems like at least some of my emotional issues could have been avoided if they never asked my other parent to put a gun to their head. Also, not only that, but I cannot seem but help to be angry that it seemed for the longest time (with the deaths), no one understood, and no one felt bad for me like I feel bad for others.
My ex broke up with me 6 years ago and i still think about him. He has never tried to contact me and once i got drunk and called him. We spoke for hours, he offered to come and see but as the conversation changed i felt that he only wanted to come and see me for sexual reasons, not because he missed me. That night I told him how me made me feel after the break up. Humiliated, hurt and stupid and he told me that I should have told him earlier. After that night, i texted him saying I am sorry for calling him and he said it was fine and that was it. Later on I wanted to speak to him on another drunken night a year after the first incident and my friends took the phone off me so we didn’t speak. He messaged me the next day asking if i called and i said by accident. He didn’t like my answer and we started to argue in the end i said sorry and wished him a great life and we haven’t spoken since. Its been almost a year since this happened but i still think about him. I have a great man in my life who loves me so much but still I feel as though i am cheating on my ex when i am with him. This is not normal and i want to move on. My anger has been worse and i am bitter about so much and every time i try to come and down ask why i am angry and bitter my ex is the reason. What does this mean?
I work friend recently commented about how we are both just told old bitter people surrounded by young people who don’t know any better. I responded with “I’m NOT Bitter!” …. He laughed and said, “OH YES YOU ARE – Robin, please – I’ve known you for two years, don’t even try!”
It didn’t take me long to realize he’s right …. so now I’m on my quest to lose the bitterness I’ve been nourishing for the last 6 years (and much longer on some issues). SO Thank you for these steps – seems like a great starting point to me.
Wow sounds like one of those lightbulb moments! Glad to be of help Robin.
It’s not surprising you have PTSD, that is a lot of trauma. Here’s the thing we’d say – it’s okay to NOT forgive people. Sometimes it becomes about just accepting forgiveness won’t happen. Sometimes half the stress can be living up to this idea we must forgive. How would it feel for you to just decide right now that it’s okay to not forgive people? That it’s okay to just accept that something happened and you can’t change it, and you can’t forgive it? But you will leave those people alone and move on with your life? In some cases, if forgiveness happens at all, it happens when we just move on and get so busy taking care of ourselves that forgiveness creeps up without us noticing. In the case of your husband, we would say the phrase “I was in such peace when my husband is gone” is worth paying attention to. How much money or financial security is your inner peace worth? Regarding having a psychiatrist, it’s great to have some support. But do you have someone who has helped you properly process this trauma in a deep way? Medication helps many manage but it does not process the trauma for us. In the UK at least, psychiatrists do not offer this support, this is something that counsellors or psychotherapists do. It sounds like money is tight, but do read our piece on free and low cost counselling and consider at the very least looking for a support group for survivors of sexual abuse, most are free and can help you feel less alone with all that you are going through and have gone through. If you can afford therapy, schema therapy is very useful for overcoming abuse and learning how to trust and form healthy relationships (again, not sure if you are in UK or US, we are UK based). Finally, good for you for getting through all this. We believe you can find your way forward, and wish you courage.
Thank you for sharing all this. That is an awful lot of trauma for one person to handle. It would be entirely normal to be angry, confused, and bitter. And also to feel misunderstood. But the wonderful news is that you are still a caring person, and that you are brave enough to have sought help to process all this. It will take time, therapy is a journey, but we congratulate you for being on your way forward.
Well it can be many things. It’s hard to say just based on comments, a deep useful answer is something that might take several weeks of therapy to find. But often these sorts of patterns, of holding on to an idea of someone from the past, are related to intimacy issues and core beliefs we have about ourselves and love. This sort of pattern is also self-sabotage, it sabotages the good things we have. So, for example, by always thinking about this ex, you can make sure you never get too close to the partner you are now with and never really let yourself fall in love. This might be due to a core belief that you are unloveable, or that love has to be hard, that love has to hurt, or that anyone you really love leaves you.
I am adopted, and I thought I had finally found a forever family that would love me. However reality is my dad might love me, but my mom does not. I know this because she said so….I mean she stated , and I quote, “she only adopted me because CPS stated it was a requirement. She only wanted a son, but the only non African male available for adoption at the time was my brother.” So since I was 13 I knew I wasn’t wanted by the one person I wanted to want me. I have tried over many years to get her to want me to no avail. Consistently I was told that there was nothing good she could find about me and I was worthless. The last straw was when I told her that my uncle(her brother) just tried to send me a pic of his penis…her response was to tel me to shut up about it and don’t talk. So since then I have not spoken to her or my dad. I am really hurt and I do blame myself for speaking to her. I believe you are right about blame. I keep going back, or I use to, to get something from her she is clearly unable or unwilling to give. How do move on?
I’be been STUCK for many many years. I’ve been married for 20 years and divorced for 6 years. This is caused me plenty of pain and heartaches. I just got before God yesterday and declared a fast because I need to have clarity on my feelings, we’ll long and behold God revealed to me that it’s a “ROOT OF BITTERNESS”! That’s causing havoc in my life! Well now to do more extensive research in this area of my life. I pray that everyone on this post receives healing and restoration for their issues they are going thru. God bless u all
Oh my goodness, what a very difficult situation for you. And what a horrible thing to be told. This is a very damaging situation and there is more than enough here for us to suggest it would be a very good idea to seek external support in the form of counselling or psychotherapy, as this would all cause deep-rooted issues around self-esteem and codependency that need real help, not a reply comment on a website. If you are a student, see if your school has a free counsellor. Otherwise, we have an article on here about free or low cost counselling. Finally, depending on your age, if that picture was sent, it’s a crime. Again, speak to someone, such as a counsellor at school. Otherwise, if you are already an adult, there is a lot here to be said for acceptance of what is and then working to protect yourself and seek situations that are good for you instead of undermining and destructive. Of course seeking love from those who reject us can be almost addictive and hard to stop, and something we repeat in each relationship we choose if left to our own devices, so again, something a therapist can help with. We do hope you consider therapy, and we would just add that your adopted mother is one person in a world of billions and there are many people out there who will see that you are worthy just for being who you are. Get out there and do anything you can to bolster your esteem enough to recognise this and start to meet friends and loved ones who you feel good and honoured around.
Reading this has been really useful for me. I know better how to solve my bitterness and will work on taking back control of my life.
Many thanks!
Glad it helped!
I just don’t know why I’m so bitter or angry. I was born disabled along with 3 able bodied siblings. My condition is progressive which means I am getting more & more disabled as each year passes. My younger sister was very spoilt & always blamed my other sister & me for everything that went wrong. She was the golden child who couldn’t do anything wrong. So my childhood wasn’t happy. I couldn’t cope in mainstream schooling so at 11 I went to special school. I made a friend who lived 2 miles from me but she was a day girl & I was a term boarder. I hated it & was badly bullied. To get me away from the bully, I was kept down a year while she went up!!! When I finally left school I applied for 287 jobs & went to 46 interviews but could not find work. I was finally employed by the only job I didn’t want. It was only 6 months but I ended up staying there for 14 years. I am passionate about social justice but I take it too far. I hate anyone who is rich, Tory or racist.
I get very angry but just want to enjoy my life without continually fighting for others. Please help me xx
Hi Gail, well it seems you do know why you are so bitter and angry – those are a lot of odds to surmount! Your childhood sounds lonely, and bullying can really cause long-term issues and leave us with low self-esteem. In summary, there are a lot of really serious unresolved and deep-rooted issues in there. It’s not the sort of thing you can just solve overnight or we can help in a comment, it truly is the sort of thing anyone would need serious support with. On the positive side, we do truly feel all these issues are possible to work through, and that a life where you feel less upset all the time can be reached. We would suggest working with a therapist. If you feel nervous about that and want to just start with a short term therapy, you might want to look into acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Hope that helps!
This is really sound advice. I was divorced almost 5 years ago and for some reasons the bitterness is coming up now. Most likely because I am not in the last 7 months of alimony. Not sure why but emotions do not always progress in a linear logical fashion. I think your advice on setting goals and forgiveness are key. I think also taking full accountability and responsibility for being a co-creator in a failed marriage ( my story) is the path to ultimate healing and moving on.
I appreciate that you posted this online. Sometimes it just takes someone repeating what we already know intuitively will help someone learn to finally find peace. Ultimately I think that is what we all want from any traumatic experience.
Words of wisdom, Frederick, thank you! Taking responsibility for being a co-creator is a huge step and really a sign that you truly are moving through things. And yes, emotions are anything but linear. They are more like a sea, big waves one day, little ones the next, and we can’t tell in advance what to predict. Also, the mind seems to like avoiding pain, so facing the big emotion of bitterness now is again a sign you are moving through, as you are getting to the big, hidden emotions. First seems to come anger and sadness, then a long time of perhaps being sure we feel nothing, or feeling numb… and then out comes the grief, rage, shame and bitterness, like hidden sludge at the bottom of the bucket. It sounds like you’ve learned a lot from this experience, about yourself, and about healing. We wish you continuing courage!
I used to be such a positive and open person. Even when going through hard times, such as life with a very controlling man, or when I found out he had sexually abused our daughter I was still so hopeful about life. Several things happened which seem to have just sucked the meaning out of my life and left me feeling that I have lost all my illusions and am left quite bitter. First my sister, with whom I was very close and supportive, had a breakdown. She cut off contact with everyone in the family but I was the closest to her and the most hurt. It was like a death. I had been trying to became more independent of her but I never wanted to cut off contact. Then my close friend also had a breakdown and cut off contact with everyone she knew. More recently my teenage daughter developed social anxiety and depression and made a suicide attempt. My other daughter is being assessed for aspergers syndrome. She can be quite hurtful without intending to be. In other ways my life is good. My husband is kind and caring and I have q job that I love. We haven’t any money problems and I have a few kind friends whose company I enjoy. My husband is not interested in hearing about my deeper feelings. He wants me to be happy but when I tell him about anything that is troubling me he is at a loss for words. He would give me a hug but I know he would prefer not to hear about feelings when he can’t directly help. Even things like my daughter’s diagnosis he would never initiate a conversation or ask how I feel about it. When he is low I notice and invite him to talk. He does talk a little and then feels better but he would NEVER start such a conversation with me. He is threatened by the possibility that I might not be strong and capable. I am.strong but I sometimes need to share my feelings and to cry on his shoulder. But anytime I do his lack of understanding and his clear discomfort makes me feel worse.
I am talking to my sister again but I can’t shake this feeling of victimhood and distrust.
Overall I know my life is good but I still feel a lack of meaning and purpose, a sort of cynicism. I’ve lost my innocent faith in the power of kindness. I still act kind and everyone thinks I am kind but I am just doing what I know is right not what I feel . I feel like being alone and not counting on anyone. There doesn’t seem to be any point in reaching out and connecting when no one is willing or able to hear me and just recognise my sadness. I am not always sad. I am often happy and full of fun and I am usually good humoured and resourceful. I just seem to have lost my old drive and faith in life. I still go through the motions of everyday life and carry out the usual tasks and responsibilities. I hope my old love of life and passion for other people will return.
Elizabeth, this is a lot of brave sharing, thank you. Reading this there is a real sense of a person torn in two. Between the person she really is right now, and the person she feels she is ‘supposed’ to be. What if we don’t have to be happy and strong all the time? What if it was okay to be miserable, full of rage, and sad? What if NOBODY is really happy and positive all the time, not really? If that is a myth? Where in life might you have learned that you must be strong all the time and appear happy and ‘positive’ in order to be acceptable and truly liked? How is this belief helping you? How is it holding you back? All interesting questions to start asking. Otherwise, what is very apparent here is that you have gone through huge amounts of trauma and are currently without any real support, all while others need your support. Anyone would be close to breaking point with all that going on, so give yourself some credit. But then get out there and do what you can to get that support. You say there are no money problems. What about investing in the best therapist you can find? Someone who is interested in fully listening to you. Look for one you feel comfortable with and feel you can grow to trust and who has experience working with trauma. Read our articles on here about finding a good therapist. Also look at what types of therapy might suit you, perhaps one where there is a strong basis on trust between you and the therapist. Cognitive analytic therapy (CAT) or dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT) might be short-term therapies to look into, or schema therapy and compassion focussed therapy (CFT), although of course other types will also help. We wish you courage!
Hi, From ma childhood I have grown on an environment without love and no concern from my parents. This have made my heart bitter a d lowered myself esteem and not to appreciate maself n I see myself as a failure n evenafter my secondary education I was left alone n I was employed as s house help n its 6yrs since n I HV attained to say its mine,I hv lived a life full of sadness, sorrow and pain n Neva been happy this hurts me a lot,I HV a kind heart and I help others but I hv achieved nothing to myself,I always wanted to go college which I dd but later I cud not hv capital to continue with studies, I fallen in love twice and heart broken n I hv not been able to let go n overcome the second one am so bitter n hate maself for allowing maself to fall in love again despite bin hurt n the life I HV been brought up from n ma experiences.I feel helpless n so disgusted by myself for not having achieved anything in life..coz even right now am jobless not bcoz I don’t look for jobs,I hv actually written ma CV n gone extra mile but nothing …I feel helpless, bitter n disgusted with ma own lifeg
I’ve been a bitter person I can finally admit after I was crossed by the people who meant a lot to me (family) it went down hill from there not long after my family letting me down I met a guy we were together for 8 yrs and the whole 8 years I felt like was getting used and he really didn’t love me and just wanted somewhere to live so I said to myself since he treats me bad I’m gonna treat him bad and I emotionally abused him to feel better or even because of what I thought he was doing then at the end of our relationship while my father was dying and after my father died he was starting a new family and got married while still living and in a relationship with me the way he treated me was beyond this world I can’t even talk about cause it puts me in a dark place I felt alone and empty inside the worst feeling ever well two months after ending that relationship I jumped right into another one that made me feel even worst he was drinking too much which made him turn into a monster he was in a girl house he had relations with talking about me putting me down how I know she told me and it was a incident on father’s day she told me he was talking bad about me and tried to have sex with her which they probably did he talked bad about me to everyone in the neighborhood, my friend and to me as well he never showed me any kind of love in any form it was horrible but he wants to be with me I just don’t get it so I was asking myself is this karma for how i emotionally abused my ex boyfriend so I stayed and took it cause I felt I deserved that but then again I didn’t because I really was becoming a better person and I was treating him right so why was he so cold to me so i couldnt take it no more and became that bitter person I just ran from being I seen me back in that cold place again it’s like a damned if u do and damned if u don’t but I just wanna become a better person learn how to let go and become stronger for situations I have no control over and make better decisions for me
I struggle to understand why you advice people that it is okay “NOT to forgive” and move on with their lives. How are they going to do that without letting it go?
We are sorry to hear about all your struggles Hannah. If we grow up without feeling loved we can find that as an adult we don’t know how to reach out for support when we need help. We give, but don’t know how to receive help. Which means we suffer silently, and we can’t see what is going right anymore. Is there anything going right in your life? Even something tiny? And can you see that there are a lot of things you should be proud of, such as having done some studies, and managing despite all these challenges? Even being brave enough to do some research and end up on this site is worth giving yourself a pat on the back for. You certainly aren’t helpless or you wouldn’t have made it this far. In any case, it sounds like you feel alone and need support. Is there a friend you could trust? Is there any free counselling or support groups in your area? This article might give you ideas on how to find free or low cost counselling bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
Hey Reggie. This all sounds very tough. Here’s the thing. It also feels like you have really low self-esteem. And when we secretly don’t value ourselves so much, we tend to pick situations that confirm we don’t have worth. Trying to bully ourselves into just ‘becoming stronger’ doesn’t tend to work, because low self-esteem is connected to really deep rooted beliefs we have about ourselves that often come from difficult childhood experiences we have internalised or even blame ourselves for. No matter how hard we try it’s like deep inside our hidden pain pushes us toward bad choices again and again. What you need is not to beat yourself up about this. It’s a hard thing for anyone to handle alone. What you need is support you can trust. Not ‘friends’ who sleep with your partners or talk about you behind your back…!! Real support. If you could be strong enough to reach out for some counselling, we think you’d be surprised how helpful it can be.And how much of a release it can be to talk to someone who is not invested in your choices, doesn’t judge you, doesn’t make you feel bad, but just listens. It doesn’t have to be expensive, there are many low cost incentives available. Read our article on tips for how to find low cost therapy here bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
You’d be surprised to find, if you sat down and had a good honest chat with others, that almost all of us have one or two things (or more) in life we just haven’t gotten over. The point is that pretending to forgive if we haven’t really is no use at all. And it can just mean we repress how we really feel, with worse consequences than if we just decided that right now we can’t just ‘get over it’ but we are going to do our best to ‘get on with it’. Forgiveness is often a process that takes time, and if we find we can’t forgive then we can accept the situation, which can be just as powerful. OF course we are neither God nor you! If you have some very big capacity to forgive everyone who wrongs you, wonderful! You are very lucky.
Harley,
Thank you for taking the time to care about me. Your post just reminded me not to give up. The game of life is not about winning or loosing…..it all about trying. Thank You.
Harley,
Thank you for taking the time to care about me. Your post just reminded me not to give up. The game of life is not about winning or loosing…..it all about trying. Thank You.
Yes, exactly! Do your best and don’t beat yourself up if you are not ready to move on or forgive…. we are all human, after all!
Yes Robin, exactly. In fact where did these ideas of ‘winning and losing’ even come from? We are all here to have our own unique experience, and we don’t have to compare ourselves to anyone. You are doing the best you can.
Am bitter against the father of my son..he hasn’t bothered to come and see his son from the time my son was born..I have been taking care of my son alone and I ended using all my funds for my business and education and I discovered that he has a daughter who is 2 months older than my son and he posts pictures of him and the daughter and he sponsors her financially…honestly am really bitter but I don’t want to be bitter anymore.
Am also bitter against my mother she is a narcissistic person I buy her simple cute gifts every time I visit her but she goes around telling people that am a bad daughter…my mother is well to do but I decided to distance myself from her.
It sounds hard. There might be a connection here. When we have a mother we don’t feel loved and appreciated by, we can grow up into an adult who unwittingly behave in ways that drive others away no matter how hard we try. We don’t know you, we can’t make any kind of diagnosis over a comment. But there does seem to be more than enough going on here – loneliness, rage, feeling ignored, even sadness – to warrant seeking some professional support.
I seem to be experiencing bitterness for the first time in my life. I did grow up with a number of challenges, but I always saw them as the lot I got and just kept going and did well. I became a doctor. I emigrated to pursue a specialty and a life in Canada. Arrived in 2009 and against impossible odds got into the system and into my dream specialty. During that years-long process I experienced racism for the first time; not overt, (i’m guessing because it may have legal ramifications), but pervasive and demoralizing all the same. During these 5 years of medical residency I experienced work harassment by someone in power in the last 2 years. Happy me became progressively sad, anxious, with a horrible sensation of inferiority all the time and being proven right continuously by poor exam performance and undue criticism. I needed help and received only humiliation. I saw a psychologist (mostly to help me with exam performance, used a few free sessions I could get) and my doctor gave me some anxiolytics. This in itself made me feel like a failure, since I did really hard work before and I was OK. Now I failed my boards and all my hard work from the last decade is wasted. Obviously my fault for not doing my very best, but I also feel my program should help. They will not.
Now I just cry and cry (it’s very recent), will face unemployment soon for the first time since I was a teen in med school in my country and I hate these people who would use my accent to treat me like less than the rest of my group. I resent the stupid system that favors numbers, rote memorization, toadying and cutthroat competitiveness as the virtues to pursue to be considered “good”. I resent these local kids who never practiced before and passed and now have the fruits of their effort rewarded. It seemed so easy for them! Now I am middle aged and a failure. I hate myself more than anything but I deeply resent all the medical apparatus in this country, it’s just insane to deprive someone of a living because of an exam. I may retake it (in a YEAR), but now I am damaged goods. And unemployed. I am doing everything I should be doing, but my career has been emotionally ruined for me by these things. I don’t even know if I am able to face the boards again.
Sateen, you are very upset right now. You are obviously a very intelligent driven man who has pushed himself hard his whole life and has never faced this sort of letdown. Made doubly hard as you were treated appallingly. So yes, let yourself be angry. Rage. Find safe ways to get that rage out that don’t drive away friends or cause you problems – journalling, a punching bag, long runs, whatever works. But then also know that this is a phase and not who you are. There are a lot of huge assumptions in here and cognitive distortions. “I am middle aged and a failure”. According to who? You have moved country, started again, you have taken a really hard course, made huge opportunity for yourself. And the first time it goes wrong you are a failure? As for age, many people change careers completely even in middle age. “I will face unemployment”. This is another assumption. You are a hugely intelligent person. There are jobs out there even without the final certification. Just to show you the power of perspective – someone else might say, great! I am totally burned out, I have had a terrible time, I now have a year to recuperate and live my life a little before I try again! Yes, that is a bit facetious, but at the same time, do you know the future? Do you really know what will happen next? (Fortune telling is another cognitive distortion – http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist).That aside, let’s go back to the bullying. That is serious and can have real consequences, was the counsellor a warm, empathic person you trusted you could really talk to about this? Or just someone who bunged you on drugs? (Sounds like you might be in America.). We’d suggest you DO find a warm, empathetic counsellor you really trust to talk to, to work through all this perfectionism and the bullying. Or you might want to do a round of CBT therapy to help with the cognitive distortions. Another thing would be to consider starting a gratitude practice, proven to re-align perspective and mood http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. If you do decide to take legal action over the bullying, we’d suggest you have that good counsellor in place first so you can fight your cause from a stable place. We wish you luck.
I’m aged 45 and battling with bitterness. I find myself angry at people over really petty issues to the extent that my voice even breaks as i try to suppress this annoyance. I avoid people as i am highly susceptible to anger. I lack tolerance when people are slow in seeing things i perceive too obvious. I pray about it every morning before going to work but as soon as i am out there people always ask me ” whats up with that angry look?”. i try to smile but not for long, my look reverts to “frowning” without any provocation. I want to be nice to everybody i meet but even when i mean good, my voice is all broken with bitterness. Even when im giving out instructions to subordinates i always sound angry
It sounds tough. And is it possible that you also have really critical thoughts toward yourself if you take the time to listen to your internal soundtrack? It feels like there is a lot of judgment towards self somehow too. Like you wanted to live up to some impossible standard of ‘goodness’ and failing that you’ve condemned yourself and it’s turned into condemning others. It’s not ‘the real you’, in case that question is tormenting you. This sort of build up doesn’t arrive from nowhere, and the fact you are searching for information and praying for change points out that you, who you really are, is tired of all this. We’d bet there is a lot of stuff that happened to you that you dealt with alone, unsupported, that you didn’t know what to do about. That kind of stuff builds up inside until it becomes inner torment that then starts to leak out all over our lives. You need support, to be listened to, and to be seen, to be fully seen, the you behind all these behaviours and thoughts you are trapped behind. We’d suggest therapy, simply because sometimes it takes a relative stranger with very good listening skills who is invested in us but who has no expectations, in order that we can be really free to let out all our rage an upset and disappointments. It can be a terrifying thought, to reach out for help, but you are obviously strong enough to be here researching so you are strong enough to take that next step and find help. What is the worse thing that can happen? And if it feels too overwhelming, start with short term therapy. We think you might benefit from a type of therapy called compassion-based therapy http://bit.ly/compassionbased. It helps us raise our compassion towards ourselves and then by default towards others, and it’s also known for helping raise self-esteem. But of course what matters is that you find a therapist you can grow to trust, and really look for just that glimmer, as we’d also bet you find it really hard to trust anyone at this point. We wish you courage.
I used the word bitter today to discribe how I was feeling about things not going my way at work. So I looked up that word and realized that this word describes me as a whole. It’s not just at work it’s in all different aspects of my life. Why don’t I get to have better? What could have been? What do they have that I don’t? And I dwell on so many different things I give myself a headache. My brain just won’t shut up! I think being a bitter person could be contributing to so many mental,soul and health problems. This behavior has hurt relationship with people because they get tired of hearing it. I don’t know how to change, how to program my mind to look at the good in life. So many people have it worse than me but I don’t think about that, or what I have that they don’t. I do look at others pictures on social media and feel sorry for myself. Why? I’m missing out on so much. Can I ever be rid of this bitterness?
Yes, Gloria, you absolutely can. But it won’t be an overnight thing. Bitterness is, as you intuit, driven by negative core beliefs and our thinking. So if we change our beliefs and our thinking then this starts to shift. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) might be a good starting point. http://bit.ly/CBTTherapy. It focuses on helping you recognise and change the negative thoughts that start the cycle of bitterness in the first place. But often, if we have a lot of bitterness and very negative beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world, we also have trauma in our pasts that is unresolved http://bit.ly/whatistrauma. If this is the case, you might also want to try a longer form therapy that helps you look at and resolve your past. Finally, we suggest you look into a gratitude practise, which is proven by research to change moods and wellbeing. http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise We wish you courage.
i think its bitterness that i feel, towards my husband. Every one likes him, he makes friends so easy and finds it so easy to join groups to have fun. I on the other hand have no self esteem and hide away in my house. my poor husband always offers me to come with him. I just cant do it. what is wrong with me. so i feel bitter all the time for such stupid reasons, i love my husband and know he loves me so why do i feel this towards him. he doesn’t know because i would never dream of telling him. just typing it out here sounds so stupid. its all me and my fault i do know that but i just cant get passed it. i have no friends because i am so stuck in my house for fear of rejection and any way how do you go and join groups? I know how my husband does it but i am too shy and too self conscious even though if i do go out i come across as an extravert but feel so much like an introvert in the inside. people think i have it all but they dont really know me at all. im so depressed and just dont know what to do to get out of this….
Carol, that sounds very hard. But it’s far from stupid. You are suffering from deep rooted shame and low self-esteem. It probably has nothing to do with your husband, it could stem from a childhood experience that left you feeling not good enough and, as you say, afraid of being abandoned. There is a good chance your husband already feels your hidden world anyway, and he might be happy to hear you explain all this, if you did it in an open, non blaming way. It could really clear the air. But on the other hand with this sort of buildup if we aren’t practised at communication it can come out all wrong and leave us feeling even worse. So a better option would be to talk to a therapist, a counsellor or psychotherapist or counselling psychologist. They could help you work through the charge around all of this, get to the root of it. And help you explore the best ways to communicate all this to the husband you love in a way that heals over damages your relationship. We hope you find the courage to do so. These feelings can definitely be healed. You can find a way through. It might not be fast, it might be tough going for a bit, but you can feel better and even in the future feel more comfortable in social situations – therapy helps you gain back your lost self-esteem. We wish you courage!
A Wonderful article!
Thanks!
I am overwhelmed and so confused. I am waking up to realize that I can no longer control myself when I drink. Things happen and the guilt and shame the next day is so depressing. I am caught in a repetitious depressing hopeless cycle. I am finding out that I am full of bitterness and anger. I am going to make a list of all the things so I can get them out of my mind and I am going to stop drinking. I have too much bitterness and shame to risk adding fuel to the fire with alcohol. I am going to pray that the Lord will bring me help and restore me to the happy balanced person I really am.
Hi Jan, anger is quite common with alcoholism. Like any addiction, drinking to excess happens because of feelings that we don’t know what to do with, or want to avoid, and because there are unresolved experiences or traumas behind these feelings. And until we really decide to deal with all of it, the addictions tend to continue. Would you consider reaching out for some counselling? We think you’d find it really beneficial. All the best.
I have a lot of trouble overcoming the bitterness in my life. I feel like I have valid reasons for being upset, but I have so many reasons *not* to be that it probably balances out. I also think my bitterness is ruining my perspective of life, as well as moments when I could be happy but instead feel disgusting inside because I’m so bitter.
I come from a poor family, so I’m jealous of everyone at school with their smartphones, how they’re always going to see movies, and the like. And since I’m not superficial and don’t gossip, I have trouble making friends, so I’m very jealous of everyone with friends. Even though it’s a bit my fault for not being so outgoing, I still blame everyone else for not trying harder. Also I hate it how my younger siblings always get to do some things before I do, like learning to drive or mow the lawn or watching mature movies. Some of my siblings mimicked the passions I had, and they would get carving sets and or hoop skirts or art materials instead of me. Since I was little my family forgets to call me for dinner, and I won’t know until it is all gone or packed up. I don’t fit in with my siblings either – they share the same favourite bands and games that I don’t care for and have similar personalities. My mom told me I was stupid and treated me like a liar, my older sister said my body was shaped unnaturally and that I sucked at singing, I used to get in trouble when my brothers bullied me, my younger sister treats me like dirt. Although most of my siblings would be sorry for the things they said, those things still stick with me and make me bitter. Also I’ve always lived in the shadows of my older sisters.
All that being said, I have many things to be thankful for. My banjo teacher is like a dad to me and gives me lessons for free. My grandpa takes us out for shooting practice, motorcycle rides, and icecream. I’m doing well in school and even won an essay contest. I have two friends and even though they don’t get along and I can’t see them outside school, they’re weird and crazy like me. My mom shows appreciation for my help by buying me sweets and I know she cares about me. I have a job that I love (with free lunches) and my bosses value me. Some of my jealousies are either hypocritical or just dumb.
Hi there, thanks for sharing. You sound like a sensitive, self aware and intelligent young woman who suffers from feeling really unloved and from a mind that is addicted to negative thinking and seeing all that is wrong. And yet you realise this, and follow it up with gratitude. We’d imagine that that is the real you, that person who sees the good side, and that all this negativity is something you were taught. You probably grew up with people who are always negative and complaining. Let yourself be you. Let yourself continue to see what IS working and go from there. You seem like a powerful creative person somehow, who will get through all this. Being a teenager is hard, it’s a rite of passage. It’s normal to be judgmental and hypocritical. You are human and learning. But one day, in the future, when you have left home and are independent, you will honestly wonder why you ever thought so little of your good self.So stop being so hard on yourself and just accept you are doing the best you can.
I left my husband of darn near 30 years, two years ago. We are both in another relationship. He is unrecognizable to me. Doing things I wanted to do with him. Hanging out with her friends, holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc. His girlfriend is a multiple social media poster, who tags him in every one of them, and I swear to you we would make fun of those couples. Now he’s not only one of them, but to the extreme one of them. I’m having trouble shaking the bitterness that she gets the version of my husband that I wanted. It’s such a struggle because I don’t want him. But I hate that I have to deal with this new him and share my two kids with him. Unfortunately I have projected the bitterness onto them at times as well. I want free from caring about what he does, but when I find out he took her on the vacation I wanted to go on, it runs pretty deep. I have a great life now, and a partner so supportive, who would do anything for me, that I honestly don’t feel like I can live him or anyone until this bitterness is gone and I am free. Problem is, here we are a year after his relationship, and it’s still going strong. Thoughts?
Hi Tessa, it sounds tough. And you are perfectly human to feel upset and bitter about this, who wouldn’t, so do try not to judge yourself. Unfortunately, in long term relationships we get entrenched in patterns that keep us both in a box. We effectively can lose our good sides, not because of the other person, but because of these strong patterns of relating that take over. In an ideal world couples therapy would have helped you break up in a way that allowed those good sides to finally show, so real peace could be found before the breakup, but here you are, moved on physically if not emotionally. We would indeed highly suggest you seek some support over this, not because we are a therapy company, but because anyone would need support here and the sooner the better because as you say, it’s affecting the new relationship. Also, these relating issues can link back to childhood, you might find this is even bigger than just him, which is why it can feel so overwhelming. A quick comment or reading a book isn’t going to solve this. And counselling or therapy would also mean that the relating patterns that led to your other relationship ending can be worked on to ensure they don’t resurface in your new relationship. We wish you courage!
I am very bitter, and wish I could stop it, but every day I feel more bitter. My parents were very abusive. I was born prematurely because my mother didn’t want to do bed rest and I suffered seizures and brain damage because of it. I was abused very badly as a child and my father got caught and was cut out of my life, but my mother was given complete custody and she was just as bad. I was forced to see a child therapist as a kid who told me what I told her was “safe” and then told my mother, who would rage at me later. My father met me as an adult and hates “disabled” people. He said disabled people should be lined up against a wall and shot. In my life I have been beaten almost to death, abused in ways I am not saying here, and then as a young adult there was virtually no help until I crashed. I have been trying to rebuild my life but I scream at night. I am in physical pain a lot too. I was kept artificially alive as an infant and then handed to nutcases, and people in my community who were required by law to report it told me as a child they knew what was happening but couldn’t report (long story). I got bullied- rocks thrown at me and even burned with cigarettes. And it just got worse from there. I would stop feeling bitter maybe if I could get a handle on screaming at night, sleep, go outside without panicking and fix my immune system problems and brain damage, but as hard as I try I can’t seem to rise above or get out of poverty. It’s like I was kept alive to be abused and now am being kept alive to live in poverty. So many people knew I needed help as a child and so many turned their backs on me. I used to run away and try to hide under the neighbors crawlspace and the neighbor found me once and kicked me out without a jacket or shoes. I was neglected so much I didn’t have glasses, was pulled out of school and fell behind, had to care for my own injuries and even was left in bed after a beating and kept fainting for weeks. I try hard to forget all of this, but I am so sad, and I can’t see a way to move on. I feel like I was born just to be a punching bag for my parents and for people in “the system” to make money off of while not helping. I saw my father hanging from a noose when I was 2 and screamed hysterically and that saved his life, but even after that he was cruel to me. Almost every night, I scream most of the night, even with medication. I just wish I didn’t have to wake up anymore, but I am phobic of death, so I am trapped here. I am tired of panic, nightmares, shame, flashbacks and feeling terrified most of the time. So yes, I am bitter. I am not really bitter at my parents though, I am bitter at the “professionals” who made money off my suffering and threw me to the wolves and made my situation worse. But I also know I will never get justice or anything close to it. My friend tells me to stop daydreaming about revenge, that is pointless, to move on… but I feel so broken and traumatized that just waking up is a struggle. People tell me to be “grateful” for what I have and I think it is hard to be grateful when you are in so much pain you dread waking up. I just wish those doctors had let me die as a newborn. Even as they were trying to save me, they knew I had would have a low quality of life, and yet they kept me alive anyway, and that’s without them knowing about the abuse I would face. I wish they could have just let me die, and I think that thought so much that it’s almost constant, and that makes me bitter. A lot more went on then I have written. Too much. I should have died multiple times as a child and its almost a “miracle” I am still alive, and that just makes me bitter at God, too. I have a counselor and he tells me to try and live in the present, but that is hard when you have flashbacks and panic attacks and nightmares about the past on a regular basis, when your brain is damaged and you are too traumatized to read a book or watch a movie and you can’t sleep even with sleep medication because your screaming wakes you up all night. So yes, I am bitter. I resent being here, because if people had simply left me alone I would have died and been spared all of this garbage. But they made money off my life, and I suffered because of them. If I could wave a wand and not be bitter, I would, but I feel renewed bitterness every time I wake up. SO, I don’t know how to get it to go. I would give up all the “good” things in my life if I could go back in time and just be allowed to die as an infant. I realize that sounds weak, but I am weak.
You claim you are weak and faulty, and yet you are intelligent and strong enough to write out this very long very detailed and well written story. We think you have far more resources than you realise. But to use them to actually get ahead you’d have to give up something, and that is being the victim. No matter what horrible things happened to you – and, unfortunately, we live in a world where really horrible things happen to people, rape and torture and abuse and terrible, sickening injustices – but no matter what happened to you, you STILL have a choice here. If you choose to be a victim you can never progress as we can’t have power and be a victim at the same time. It’s not possible. So either you become a person who had terrible, awful things happen, yes… but now accepts they have choice and power to choose their own life ahead (intelligence, for example, that is clearly a gift you have) or you stay a victim and spend your entire life bitter and using all the energy you have in telling this story again and again until you are blinded from anything else, and exhausted. yes, why wouldn’t you be, it must be exhausting telling this again and again. Your choice, your move, your life. Sorry if it’s not the ‘poor you’ you might have wanted, but we think you deserve better than that.
I have clumsily stumbled into a beautiful life despite the many missteps that my anger and periods of low self worth have caused me to make. I recently married a wonderful woman -who my daughter playfully said is “out of my league- and we are expecting a child in June. Ours is a bountiful life. Of course, I struggle with negative thoughts constantly: imprisoned in recollections of past insults, humiliations and what I perceive to be injustices. I am often tormented by anger and wish I had stood up for myself more than I did. My Achilles heel is the perception of mockery and laughter. If I feel I am being stared at or ridiculed, I tend to react with rage, often concealed because the ridicule also engenders a morbid fear. So the humiliation is compounded by the ignominy of my own cowardice. I want to prevail above my own bitterness so as to enjoy the life I have. Sometimes I feel as though I am trapped behind a glass barrier that is permitting me to observe the life around me while preventing me from becoming fully engaged in it.
Hi Ned, it’s great that you can see the good and the bad, so we feel you are more balanced than you realise. But it seems like there is some some impostor syndrome going on here. As if you expect at any minute someone it going to say, ‘gigs up! We know you are a fake, and don’t deserve this!’ And that this belief inside of you is so strong your daughter has picked up on it and reflects it back to you (we don’t actually believe your new wife is out of your league, just that you have taught your daughter to think this way without realising it. We’d imagine you probably often put yourself down in little ways, that she grew up around that). First of all, we’d let you know that most if not all successful people feel an impostor at some point (or often). But you speak of rage and fear, and allude to past experiences. And it’s clear you suffer from low self-esteem. We’d wonder what the roots of this inability to just let yourself be happy is about, and what things happened to start this cycle of feeling mocked. Those would all be worth exploring with a therapist and could alone lead to breakthroughs (compassion-focused therapy (CFT) might be interesting for you, or a therapy under the humanistic umbrella, we’d veer away from the traditional heavily analytic therapies like psychoanalysis or even psychodynamic though, it could just encourage your overanalysing). We also spot some rigid thinking patterns. These might be a personality trait. Some of us are born with a tendency to be an ‘observer’, and to approach life with analytics instead of intuition and emotion. Some of us learn this from our parents. Some of us develop it as a coping mechanism. “If I just keep things at a distance with analysis, then it can’t hurt me….”. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), a short term therapy focused just on helping you with cognitive distortions http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist like black and white thinking, can be a great help. It could be worth doing a round of CBT before committing to a longer form therapy that deep dives. You might even benefit from some clinical hypnotherapy. There is also a new technique called brain working recursive therapy (BWRT) which can in some cases help quite quickly with self-esteem and stage fright/ anxiety (it’s as if your feeling of always being watched is giving you a sort of existential stage
fright). Finally, it’s okay to give yourself permission to be happy and successful. No matter what anyone else said or thinks, you are the person who decides that now. Best, HT