12 Steps to Overcoming Bitterness
By: Tommaso Meli
Anger involves outrage followed by action, as you decide how best to handle your situation.
Bitterness can feel worse than anger because it involves feeling helpless. Referred to as ’embitterment’ in psychology circles, bitterness happens when you feel there is no action left to take because everything is out of your control.
While it might be true you can’t change what happened that has left you bitter — you can’t undo it if you were in an accident, or get back the promotion that your colleague won instead — you can take action to move forward in your life and away from bitterness.
Is overcoming bitterness worth the effort? Bitterness not only causes symptoms of trauma like sleeplessness, fatigue, and lack of libido, it can in the long term lead to low self-confidence, negative personality shifts, and an inability to have a healthy relationship. So it’s worth looking at.
[For more on the symptoms and effects of bitterness, read our article on “Why Bitterness is a Real Psychological Concern.”]
12 Ways to Overcome Bitterness
So what can you do if you are stuck in the bitterness trench and can’t climb out? Here are 12 ways to start dealing with your resentment.
1. Do a serious re-evaluation.
By: Bev Sykes
Bitterness thrives on sympathy. And often, in telling our story to others, we stop telling the truth to ourselves about what really happened and what is truly upsetting us.
Ask yourself good questions to dig deeper into facts and feelings. Journalling can be a great tool here (as can a counsellor who is trained at asking powerful questions).
What about the situation really upsets you when you go through it? What are the details that actually haunt you, versus what you tell your friends bothers you because they all agree it should?
If you were the victim of fraud, is it losing the money that has upset you, or is really being made to look stupid that has you bitter? Are you upset your partner left you for another, or is the truth that you wanted the relationship to end but are bitter that their new partner is wealthier or more attractive than you?
Re-evaluate the thing that was actually lost, too. Do you still want it? Is it still attainable? Or is it all something you really have long since outgrown?
You’d be surprised how many people hold a grudge over the loss of something they discover they no longer even want.
2. Put your story on hold.
As for that story about what happened to you – what would happen if, just or a week, or even a few days, you take a break from telling it?
Telling the story of what happened to you to those whose job it is to help you, or because you are trying to find new and positive ways to deal with your situation, is one thing. But telling the story of what happened to you again and again in a negative way to everyone you meet is often a form of keeping yourself stuck in victimhood.
It might be harder than you think to not mention what happened to you at all for some time, but give it a try. Enlist friends to keep you on track, or try putting a rubber band around your wrist and ‘pinging’ it just enough to cause you a sting each time you find yourself telling your story again. This is thought to train the brain away from entrenched patterns.
3. Take what responsibility you can.
As for that victimhood that your story generates – if you are a victim, you are helpless.
If can see your hand in things, it means you had power then, and still have it now.
Of course not all situations contain personal responsibility. If you are bitter that a loved one died in a senseless war, there is nothing you did to make that happen.
But many people who are bitter know they had a part in what took place, but are too ashamed to admit to it.
Remember, the point of acknowledging your responsibility in what transpired is not to blame yourself, which is counterproductive, but to reclaim your personal power.
if you are bitter that you lost a substantial amount of money in a scam, where there signs you chose to overlook, or research you knew you should have done but chose not to? Did you ignore warning signs and jump into an unwise relationship? Or ignore your friend’s warnings that your partner was a cheat?
4. Stop spying.
Unfortunately, today’s technology and social media provides the perfect fodder for bitterness if there are other people involved. Spying on the person who triggered your upset is really a form of self-torture that involves comparing yourself to others unfavourably, and inevitably it lowers self-esteem.
Spying on others can also be addictive. If you can’t stop spying, you might need support. Tell a good friend, seek a support group (if it’s an ex you are spying on, a love and romance addiction group could help, for example). If you feel out of control, you might want to talk to your GP who can refer you to a counsellor for a round of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
5. Face up to your hidden fears.
Bitterness often is a perfect disguise for a fear of change or of failing. If you deal with the fear, you won’t need the bitterness anymore.
For example, if you are claiming you will never do the PhD you dreamed of because you were scammed out of all your savings, you might discover that actually, you are terrified you aren’t smart enough to finish the PhD. Is it possible you are holding on to your bitterness about money when you could work on your confidence, take a student loan, and get on with your dreams?
6. Forgive – but only at your own pace.
Forgiveness is a great psychological release – but only if you are ready and it’s real.
Fake forgiveness can be a way of just denying how you feel, or even hold you back from processing emotions and situations.
(Read more in our article, 12 Reasons Why You Can’t Move On).
7. And don’t forget to forgive yourself, too.
This might be the hardest but most important part of moving on from bitterness.
It’s possible to hold on to bitterness for a long time so you can focus your anger on someone else, because the truth is you are furious at yourself, and that feels too hard to face.
Finding ways to reframe what happened in ways that show yourself compassion can be a great release.
If you feel overwhelmed at this thought, again, don’t be afraid to seek support. Bitterness is a hard thing for anyone to get over, and sometimes the strongest thing you can do is admit you need help. You might want to try a round of compassion-focussed therapy, a new kind of psychotherapy exclusively geared to help you be easier on yourself.
Or, start now by reading our article that explains 10 Ways You Can Show Yourself Compassion.
By: jeronimo sanz
8. Step into the now.
Bitterness often consists of “dining out” on the awful thing that happened to you, and fantasising about revenge or thoughts of where you’d be now if things had gone differently. In other words, it lives in the past and the future.
Get into the now moment by concerning yourself with current opportunities and goals that are about you and a positive future.
One of the best techniques for staying now centred is mindfulness. A tool now used by many therapists with their clients, it trains you to constantly check in with your feelings, become conscious of the thoughts that are distracting you, and learn to notice the good things right in front of you.
9. Branch out.
Bitterness tends to fade in the face of excitement and joy – in other words, new and better experiences. Explore a longtime interest, re-connect with others, choose some new things to put into your life.
10. Set mini goals for yourself each day.
Bitterness is a powerful tide, and best intentions to do things like try new things and be mindful can soon be caught in its tug. The way around this is to not just make big goals, but also small goals every morning that keep you on the road away from bitterness.
From meditating for ten minutes to doing the research to find three possible schools that offer the language course you are interested in, make sure your goals are achievable. Feeling a failure is the opposite of what you want here. Use SMART guidelines for your mini goals just like you would with a larger goal.
11. Try a new perspective.
A mood of embitterment can have us seeing life from a very narrow perspective indeed. A great coaching tool to help you move forward in life is to imagine what the situation you are struggling with would look like from a different viewpoint entirely. Read our piece on How to Change Your Perspective for some great advice on seeing your life in all new ways.
12. Seek support.
Yes, we keep saying it. But the truth is that bitterness can be quite the battle to move on from. And sometimes the strongest tactic and easiest way forward is to accept help. If your friends and loved ones are great listeners with no agenda, perfect. But if you need an unbiased viewpoint and a place you don’t feel judged, again, try a support group or a counsellor or psychotherapist.
Do you have a tactic for letting go of bitterness we didn’t mention? Why not share it below?
this goes out to you know who at my last job because you all are the worse! Get a life and stop being so horrible to people who come to work and not play your stupid childish games. I’ve had a lot of bad work environments but I must say this last one was Cherry on the cake! Grow up!
It sounds like you are very frustrated. We are glad that you have moved on to another job, but if you are still thinking about the people at the past one, it sounds like they have really triggered something within. Is this a pattern at all? Do you often feel angry and frustrated?
I have been trying to let go of bitterness, and it seems all of my coping skills are exhausted. I have been hit with major health issues one after the other for decades: crohns disease, a brain tumor, epilepsy, sinus surgeries, to name a few. I also have problems with mental illness and cognitive problems from the tumor. I came from an abusive family and therefore haven’t had one, so I’m out here on my own, disabled, vulnerable and very poor. I am bitter when I see people enjoying all they are able to take for granted. I am bitter when they complain of one problem when mine are all encompassing, so I’ve lost my ability to connect even with my friends. I can’t afford therapy with all of the other medical costs and demands. Maybe I’m just tired.
Well goodness, who wouldn’t be tired, it’s perfectly understandable. And it’s perfectly understandable to feel bitter and angry too. What would happen if you just stopped comparing yourself to anyone? To a single soul? What if, just for today, or even just for half of today, you only compared yourself to you? How much of a relief would it be to just stop the comparison to everyone else? And to just see how you are doing today compared to other worse days, and give yourself some credit? What is most worrisome reading this is the total lack of connection to anyone else at all. I know it can seem easier, to just cut off, but connection is now proven by research to be healing and pretty darned necessary to survive down here. Do you have a hobby that you can connect with people over, even if just behind a computer screen in forums where your privacy is protected? Or, could you find a support group for those with illness locally? Usually free, they are a chance to connect with others who have similar experiences. As for having no money, there is still support available. Read our article on free or low cost counselling for ideas. http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm And finally, if connecting with others just makes you want to scream (we get it, it happens), and you want to try something absolutely free and, if you stick to it, something that can bring a lot of acceptance and peace you couldn’t find otherwise, we suggest mindfulness. We offer a complete easy to read free guide here. http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htmhttp://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm (you’ll also find great free resources all over the net.) We wish you strength, and commend you for all the strength you’ve had so far.
I got divorced nine years ago. My ex husband cheated throughout our marriage and was emotionally abusive making me feel worthless. We have three daughters. He hasn’t had any contact with them for five years. He has never paid me any maintenance. I left with nothing and still struggle financially. I can’t stop feeling bitter and resentful as mutual friends tell me he goes away every weekend and has at least three luxury holidays a year (with his new wife). It just seems so unfair. I really want to let go of this bitterness.
It definitely sounds unfair, too! Sometimes bitterness lingers when we let people overstep boundaries that we do have power to set. It doesn’t solve everything, but it certainly helps to make sure you are setting boundaries that are acceptable and fair and are not being a victim if you don’t have to be. Not paying maintenance is usually/always against the law. If you don’t have the money for a lawyer, seek assistance from a family charity that can help. It’s not ‘mean’ or ‘petty’ to seek money to support your children, it’s the law. And it certainly helps self esteem to set boundaries, which is never a bad thing!
I find that my days are filled with endless bitterness, despondency and apathy. I am over 40, never married and no children – all of which I dreamed out, and prayed for, and fully anticipated my entire adult life. I guess my bitterness lies in the fact that I had NO control over finding a suitable mate or having children with that mate. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m bitter because I was taught my entire life to hold a high moral standard for my mate and insisting on a traditional marriage and then kids. I honestly feel I did everything the best I could; ie. cut ties with men who were disrespectful (cheating, lying, stealing, abusive), tried to live a moral life and helping people (charity work, random acts of kindness, etc) ONLY to be rewarded with a life deficient of a family and age that prevents it from ever happening. I grieve for my unborn children and cannot endure social media, even though I sometimes self-torture, seeing my friends and families kids grow up and even some becoming grandparents when I never even got the opportunity to have a child. I feel lost and honestly am finding it hard to see the point of life with no legacy and no heirs.
I have been a good person for a majority of my life, I make jokes, I am easy to talk to, and I have a good soul, but I am so bitter from all the people who hurt me. I have gotten to a point where I literally say I hate people, and prefer to have no connection at all, I have even stopped believing in showing love and compassion to people as well, ( not a sociopath btw). I find myself angry and being mean to those who don’t deserve it. I hate what these associates did to me and I just want to know, what should I do, to guard myself from feeling like this?
Please pray for me
to release this anger, resentment and bitterness in my soul
I seem to keep a negative attitude toward others, even tho I’ve prayed and prayed it still lies within me ,feeling hopeless
It sounds like you are really judging yourself as a ‘bad’ or ‘flawed’ person for feeling bitter. Psychotherapy has a different viewpoint. It would believe that you have these feelings as you have had difficult experiences in life and were perhaps also not bought up in an environment where you felt accepted and loved no matter what your emotions.This leaves a child to repress emotions and feel resentful, and this continues into adulthood. You are not flawed, you are just a person who has had confusing messages in life and now feels angry and maybe alone. You probably also have a wonderful kind side. We all consist of all emotions, no matter how mixed up they can all be. The secret is to develop self-compassion, to learn to accept yourself, and to learn how to release your feelings. When we learn to accept ourselves, we learn to accept others more, too (we have a piece on our site about self-compassion that explains this well http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/self-compassion.htm). When there is a backup of emotions that is controlling our lives, it is of course highly recommended to seek support as it might be a lot to unravel alone. Could you find a counsellor or therapist to talk to? It can be a huge relief to have a safe, nonjudgemental environment to let all the things stuck inside come out.
The reason why i got to see this site..is because I need help …i feel helpless. ..writing what i have gone through. ..what i am going through. ..what i feel…my mind and everything is enough to fill a book…I wish i could talk to you in person
This is some very honest sharing, thank you, Angela. And good for you for being so honest. The last thing you need is someone telling you to be grateful for what you do have, or to try mindfulness, etc. What might help instead is just finding support to really go deeply into instead of away from this rage, sadness, and deep sense of loss, and get to the bottom of it. You are really in mourning by the sounds of it. And to look at the patterns that keep repeating in life, as it sounds like there was a pattern of attracting difficult men in there. It might seem that there is no way out, that all is over, but you are stuck in the forest at the moment, where all there are are trees, so to speak.Have you considered counselling? As what you are dealing with it pretty enormous and just a lot for anyone to handle alone. If it’s out of the budget, do read our piece on free and low cost counselling. Just allowing yourself the safe space to get out all this upset, and to find a new perspective, might be more powerful and freeing than you expect. And it will create the space for other possibilities you haven’t seen of what might make you feel more satisfied. We do hope you give it a thought, and wish you well.
Thank you for sharing Nicole. It takes a lot of courage to admit you need help. No matter how helpless you feel, there are ways forward. It might sound unbelievable, but the first step, as you seem to instinctively realise, is to find someone to talk to. Do know that in every country there is some form of free hotline available, in the UK and the USA this is the Good Samaritans. If you can’t afford a counsellor or therapist at this time, read our article on free and low cost counselling for inspiration on finding help http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm
Well first of all, maybe consider, do you really need to ‘guard yourself’ from it? Is it really a crime to feel angry, bitter, non perfect, and sometimes to feel hateful? It sounds like you have tried so hard to live up to some unreal ideal of being a ‘good person’ when really the other perspective is, what if we are all just human? What if it’s okay to have all emotions? What if you are acceptable and loveable just as you are? Things to consider. It’s only when we finally have self-compassion for ourselves we can have compassion for others. We’d suggest you use the search bar to find our piece on ‘self-compassion’ which you might find an interesting read. Otherwise, it would be a good idea to consider finding someone to talk to about this. A good therapist or counsellor or therapist won’t judge you for any of this. Far from it. They create a safe space to let these emotions out and find some inner peace again. If money is an issue, also read our piece on low cost or free counselling. We hope you consider it, as living with no connection at all makes us sad to hear. All the best, John.
I feel really bitter thoughts about my time at university. I met a friend who was having severe health issues, and I stood by their side. I definitely took on more than I should have. However, I was the only person they had. I didn’t want to abandon them at such a tough time. My studies suffered, and I was definitely mentally exhausted from everything. I feel resentment because I feel like I missed out on making more friends, and doing better in classes. I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way because the person was going through an incredibly tough time. Especially since this person is so nice, and has always been a good friend to me. They are still going through a tough time health wise, and I am trying to be a good friend and stick by them. I can’t talk to them about it because I believe it would cause them too much stress now. I just feel like I can’t look back fondly at those years, and it makes me very sad because I was always looking forward to it. I definitely acknowledge that a lot of is that I’m not the best student there is, or have the best social skills, but I always think that I could have done more, and better. Thank you for your article, I will definitely try to keep your points in mind.
I have a couple of issues that I hold a strong resentment. 1. When I was a child, I was molested by two of my uncles in which one spent time in jail a short period. I have not been able to forgive my relatives at all. They have attempted speaking with me, and I shunned them. I am not the only individual to be molested by these two uncles, yet I’m probably the only one holding on to the anger and resentment. I forgive them in a way, but I don’t want anything to do with them because I’m now 38 years old with children of my own and the act that damaged me caused me to be paranoid of everyone, and I punished my kids by being overprotective and overbearing. The psychological damage from the sexual abuse has shadowed me my whole life, and I honestly wish to get over this part of my life. 2. I’m married to a man who has cheated the whole duration of the relationship. Many things I didn’t find out until many years’s later. My husband has given me sexually transmitted disease which was treated and cured but, he has bragged about having unprotective sex and how he doesn’t “Use condoms.” I have in return cheated on him a felt awful because I know it isn’t who I am. I acknowledge that participating in his game has only made him feel that he will always be apart of my life. I have a psychiatrist and also, take medication for PTSD, Generalized Anxiety and Major Depression.
I made my husband leave for the well-being of our children and both of us. He was gone ten months and begged to come back with promises of doing whatever it takes to be the man he promised me he would be. He recently cheated on me again and said that he is sick….he moved to a different job location and now has a therapist and psychiatrist. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and is currently taking medication. He is a habitual liar. The medication hasn’t changed anything, such as his reckless behavior, speaking down to me, or his lying.
I know that I am partially responsible for everything. I set boundaries that were just ignored. I know that CO-Dependance plays a huge part to why I let him continually hurt and disrespect our family. I have found that both situations make me feel the same way the difference being now I’m focused more so on my husband’s infidelity, manipulation tactics, and lies more than what my uncles have caused me…but, the two situations remind me of each other.
I was in such peace when my husband was gone, and now that I have let him back into my life it’s even harder than the first time to make him leave due to financial reasons. I would like to get over my resentment and be able to forgive them all so I can have a more fulfilling life.
i need to move on
Good to recognise! But it takes time, so do what you can but allow yourself to feel what you feel. If you can’t move on, do seek the support of a counsellor.
Maria, thanks for this honest sharing. There are a lot of good questions to ask here. What would happen if you didn’t have to take care of everyone else? What inside you feels that is your job? Are others more important than taking care of yourself? Do you deserve love without doing anything at all, or do you feel you have to deserve love? Did you have to be good, perfect and helpful as a child to receive love? We’d suggest you read about codepedency. It’s a way of relating to others where you put their needs first and gain your sense of self through overgiving only to later feel bitter. http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/great-codependency-hoax-codependent.htm
Ok, I am in therapy and I’m not trying to be whiny. Also, I have wondered for so long what causes people to be bitter just to realize I’m bitter. In high school 6 people I cared about died and so did 2 of my cats, when I was very young my brother Isaac died, when I was 8.5 my favorite aunt and her baby both died, and when I was in 7th grade my Great Grandma died. Also, when I was younger my parent (whom was abused as a child) would yell at me and be like “I wish I could beat you like my mom beat me” and they eventually started asking my other brother and I stuff like “would you miss me if I disappeared” and asked my other parent to put a gun to their head (even though they told me suicide was a bad thing). Also, my parent used to threaten to send us to foster care. I have no idea how to forgive them. It seems like at least some of my emotional issues could have been avoided if they never asked my other parent to put a gun to their head. Also, not only that, but I cannot seem but help to be angry that it seemed for the longest time (with the deaths), no one understood, and no one felt bad for me like I feel bad for others.
My ex broke up with me 6 years ago and i still think about him. He has never tried to contact me and once i got drunk and called him. We spoke for hours, he offered to come and see but as the conversation changed i felt that he only wanted to come and see me for sexual reasons, not because he missed me. That night I told him how me made me feel after the break up. Humiliated, hurt and stupid and he told me that I should have told him earlier. After that night, i texted him saying I am sorry for calling him and he said it was fine and that was it. Later on I wanted to speak to him on another drunken night a year after the first incident and my friends took the phone off me so we didn’t speak. He messaged me the next day asking if i called and i said by accident. He didn’t like my answer and we started to argue in the end i said sorry and wished him a great life and we haven’t spoken since. Its been almost a year since this happened but i still think about him. I have a great man in my life who loves me so much but still I feel as though i am cheating on my ex when i am with him. This is not normal and i want to move on. My anger has been worse and i am bitter about so much and every time i try to come and down ask why i am angry and bitter my ex is the reason. What does this mean?
I work friend recently commented about how we are both just told old bitter people surrounded by young people who don’t know any better. I responded with “I’m NOT Bitter!” …. He laughed and said, “OH YES YOU ARE – Robin, please – I’ve known you for two years, don’t even try!”
It didn’t take me long to realize he’s right …. so now I’m on my quest to lose the bitterness I’ve been nourishing for the last 6 years (and much longer on some issues). SO Thank you for these steps – seems like a great starting point to me.
Wow sounds like one of those lightbulb moments! Glad to be of help Robin.
It’s not surprising you have PTSD, that is a lot of trauma. Here’s the thing we’d say – it’s okay to NOT forgive people. Sometimes it becomes about just accepting forgiveness won’t happen. Sometimes half the stress can be living up to this idea we must forgive. How would it feel for you to just decide right now that it’s okay to not forgive people? That it’s okay to just accept that something happened and you can’t change it, and you can’t forgive it? But you will leave those people alone and move on with your life? In some cases, if forgiveness happens at all, it happens when we just move on and get so busy taking care of ourselves that forgiveness creeps up without us noticing. In the case of your husband, we would say the phrase “I was in such peace when my husband is gone” is worth paying attention to. How much money or financial security is your inner peace worth? Regarding having a psychiatrist, it’s great to have some support. But do you have someone who has helped you properly process this trauma in a deep way? Medication helps many manage but it does not process the trauma for us. In the UK at least, psychiatrists do not offer this support, this is something that counsellors or psychotherapists do. It sounds like money is tight, but do read our piece on free and low cost counselling and consider at the very least looking for a support group for survivors of sexual abuse, most are free and can help you feel less alone with all that you are going through and have gone through. If you can afford therapy, schema therapy is very useful for overcoming abuse and learning how to trust and form healthy relationships (again, not sure if you are in UK or US, we are UK based). Finally, good for you for getting through all this. We believe you can find your way forward, and wish you courage.
Thank you for sharing all this. That is an awful lot of trauma for one person to handle. It would be entirely normal to be angry, confused, and bitter. And also to feel misunderstood. But the wonderful news is that you are still a caring person, and that you are brave enough to have sought help to process all this. It will take time, therapy is a journey, but we congratulate you for being on your way forward.
Well it can be many things. It’s hard to say just based on comments, a deep useful answer is something that might take several weeks of therapy to find. But often these sorts of patterns, of holding on to an idea of someone from the past, are related to intimacy issues and core beliefs we have about ourselves and love. This sort of pattern is also self-sabotage, it sabotages the good things we have. So, for example, by always thinking about this ex, you can make sure you never get too close to the partner you are now with and never really let yourself fall in love. This might be due to a core belief that you are unloveable, or that love has to be hard, that love has to hurt, or that anyone you really love leaves you.