Your ‘Shadow’ Self – What It Is, And How It Can Help You
Sheri Jacobson
September 7, 2017
Counselling, Depression, Self Esteem, Theory & training
By: Nikk
by Andrea M. Darcy
Are there parts of yourself that you don’t like? And even try to hide? Welcome to your shadow self.
What is the ‘shadow self’?
The term ‘the shadow’ was made popular by psychoanalyst Carl Jung. He saw it as the uncivilised, even primitive side of our nature.
We all have a shadow self. It is generally made up of the parts of ourselves we deem unacceptable. For many people this means things like our sadness, rage, laziness, and cruelty. But you might also see as uncivilised and unacceptable things like your personal power, your independence, or your emotional sensitivity.
Of course some of us don’t realise we have a shadow side as we feel ashamed and lack self-awareness. We have not yet taken the journey of self, and instead project our own shadow onto others around us. We are sure it’s them who has the problem, not us.
The Shadow and psychological projection
Psychological projection is when we attribute an unconscious thought, feeling, or even talent of our own onto another person.
When it comes the shadow, it will be a seemingly ‘unacceptable’ attribute you see in another person, and the projection often comes couched in blame.
For example, you might feel that everyone around you is lazy and selfish. The reason you never get ahead in life is apparently because they are all too self-absorbed to help you. If you looked at yourself honestly, you would likely find it’s you yourself who have a tendency to be self-centred and lazy.
Isn’t my shadow side bad?
By: Petful
Although we might want to see our shadow as ‘negative’, this is not true. The Shadow is rather what you yourself perceive as dark and weak about yourself, and therefore needing to be hidden and denied. But this depends on your own perspective , and your levels of self-esteem.
Carl Jung firmly believed that we need to fully see and accept this dark side of ourselves to be a fully integrated human.
It is only through our own effort to learn who we are and cultivate self-acceptance that we can recognise and embrace our shadow, and then benefit from the many gifts the shadow offers.
Yes, gifts. All the parts we previously deemed ‘bad’ have things to offer. Anger, for example, helps us set boundaries. Sadness helps us move on and let go. Our shadow elements only present a problem if we mishandle them or use them incorrectly.
How do I get rid of my Shadow self?
You can’t ‘not have’ a shadow. No matter how ‘nice’ or ‘happy’ someone may seem, they have a shadow side like anyone else.
Nor can you ‘get rid of’ or ‘heal’ your shadow. It’s an essential and useful part of you and your personal power, and the idea is to integrate it, not ‘heal’ it.
And note that trying not to have a shadow only backfires. When we repress and deny things about ourselves, they do not disappear. Rather, they can grow in power and cause us more and more difficulties.
Jung and the Shadow
By: thierry ehrmann
Jung didn’t feel it was just individuals who had shadows. He also talked of the ‘collective shadow’, where people united their shadows in groups or as societies.
He saw this as a very great danger to civilisation when a collective shadow was ‘projected’.
An example of the collective shadow at work would be the Holocaust, where people united their hatred of one race and the end result was a great tragedy.
Why do I need to know my shadow?
When we recognise and face our shadow, we can become more whole and balanced.
Again, the shadow gives us gifts like boundary setting, personal power, and emotional fluency.
Knowing your shadow side will also improve your relationships. When we can accept and understand ourselves, we are then more able to accept and understand others.
If might also help you be more creative. Jung connected the shadow to creativity. Perhaps the more free we feel emotionally, the more free we are in the ways that we think and accomplish things.
How to know your shadow self
The shadow can be one of the first things we face when we start attending therapy. The creation of a safe space where we can talk to someone who isn’t personally invested in our life means we find ourselves saying things we didn’t even know we think and feel.
Other ways to access your shadow include journalling and working with your dreams, and the archetypes you find in them.
Of course looking at what you are constantly blaming others for tends to be a direct route to your shadow self. What are the things you like least in other people? Does that characteristic exist within you, too?
It’s important to recognise and understand your shadow side, but not over-identify with it. If you are going through a period of low self-esteem or depression, for example, it’s not the time to indulge in shadow work because you are not in the headspace to recognise your strengths, too.
Help to understand your shadow
Jungian analysis is of course helpful as a route to exploring your shadow.
But really any sort of talk therapy that seeks a bigger picture of how you became the person you are today will be just as useful.
This includes long-term therapies like psychodynamic psychotherapy, schema therapy, existential therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT). You could also start with a shorter term therapy, like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), cognitive analytic therapy (CAT), and dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT).
Want to explore your shadow side in a safe, friendly environment with a trained and professional therapist? Harley Therapy connects you with highly trained counselling psychologists and psychotherapists in central London locations, or globally via Skype.
Have a question about the shadow self? Or want to share an experience with our readers? Use the public comment box below.
Andrea M. Darcy is the lead writer and editor of this site, and an avid fan of all things Jung and a good bit of shadow work.
Is it possible for the shadow self to take over if you are not stable at the time for what ever reason : physical, mental, emotional, as a type of protection to self? When do we develop the shadow self?
What’s important to remember here Joseph is that we are not robots or computers, this is not a science or mathematical equation here, something you see under a microscope. The ‘shadow’ is an idea stemming from Jung, and is a theory to try to understand human nature. So we can’t tell you ‘the right answer’ anymore than we can tell you ‘why the universe exists’. Human nature is that enigmatic and these are all just attempts to understand. We are all born as with potential to be all things, you could theorise. We all have the capacity to be happy, sad, angry, peaceful. We don’t ‘suddenly develop’ that capacity. But of course sometimes in life we face and explore our ‘shadow side’ more than other times. Often times of challenge – a bereavement, a breakup – having us more aware of and exploring our anger, rage, sadness. Please do not fall into the idea that these things are ‘bad’. As the article explains, they are essential and useful, as long we are not using them to hurt ourselves or others. Our sadness allows us to know joy, our anger allows us to protect ourselves and have boundaries. As for the shadow side ‘taking over’, even when we are angry or sad we have and know we have the capacity to be other things. To use a harsh example, a murderer can kill someone then go hug his wife with real affection.Humans are not cartoon characters with one dimension. All potentiality is there. But if you want an example to your question, well yes, imagine that you get attacked by a mugger. Your rage would rise and it might protect you. But we’d argue that is not your shadow side but your primal instinct. Trauma might be a better example. A traumatised child could internalise the belief that being happy means you get hurt and then stay in a state of sadness. But even then, they would see something funny on TV and laugh. You see we can’t help but be human, and that means we are all complex. So if you are trying to write a paper minimilising humans to black and white, we’d say you are out of luck!
Many people have told me they were afraid of me or that someone else was. I never asked them to explain because I think I was afraid of the answer. I always thought I was a marshmallow.
Hi Donna, we are not really sure what you mean when you say you thought you were a marshmallow? Is that a translation mistake?
What triggers my rage is my husbands temper and reactions to certain situations. I feel like exploding on him and sometimes I do. I want to try and get the bottom of this. Would this rage in me be my shadow?
Rage happens when we suppress a perfectly healthy emotion – anger – for far too long. Anger helps us set boundaries and take care of ourselves. If we repress it it is often because as a child we weren’t allowed to express all our emotions, or at some point we took on a core belief we are faulty and have to appear a ‘good person’. Instead we end up grumpy, snappy, and having fits of rage. “The Shadow’ is not a place inside of yourself, it’s a concept to help us all understand that we consist of all emotions and need to integrate them. If you are having fits of rage we’d suggest counselling, and if your marriage has become one non stop fight and you were both up to it, the other option is couples counselling. We’d also suggest you read our articles on repressed anger http://bit.ly/repressedanger. Good luck.
I agree. I have been fooling myself for decades thinking I can suppress my shadow self. The result was horrible. I started suffering from low self esteem, palpitations, etc. It is only when I started accepting my shadow self with as much regard as my so called saintly self that I started making progress.
Exactly, Yazdi! Denying the shadow is like denying ourselves and the body itself can start to react. Wonderful to hear that you are finding equilibrium and acceptance.
I was always (and still am) extremely annoyed with stupid people, i.e. people who don’t seem to be able to grasp something that I believe I (or even someone else) made crystal clear. This includes me proposing solutions to problems for which I’ve subsequently provided proof of concept. So if I feel so strongly about people who are stupid, then my shadow self is stupid too, regardless of the fact that my solutions work? How does this work? I guess I *am* stupid? Uhh…
Hi Nikola, your shadow self is not a mirror of your thoughts, no. It is a concept that refers to the parts of yourself that you feel are unacceptable – anger sadness, and in your case maybe not being right or perfect. Thinking others are stupid all the time often comes from a deeply hidden belief or fear that you yourself are stupid, or that something bad will happen if you are wrong, or that you need to maintain control or bad things will happen. All this can come from a childhood where you had to be ‘perfect’ or ‘pleasing’ to receive love. or where you were neglected or experienced trauma or in any other way felt overlooked, unappreciated, and hurt. Or it can come from a personality disorder, where your way of thinking is consistently and across all areas of life different than the norm. This strong way of thinking might also be related to being on the autism spectrum. In summary, these are just ideas, as we don’t know you. But going through life thinking everyone else is stupid is pretty lonely. If it’s making your life difficult why not reach out for help and seek counselling? Best, Harley Therapy.
Is it possible for your shadow to attack others without you wanting it to? I notice my shadow can be uncontrollable sometimes. Also I’m not sure if it matters but I’m Hawaiian and a belief of our ancestors before was if you stepped on the kings shadow you’d be punished to death. Like for example once I was at the doctor getting a shot and the nurse started choking after I looked at her. Also once I walked down the street and someone shouted something at me and I turned and looked at him and he started choking and he gasped afterwards and seemed kinda scared. Is this a possible thing for shadows to do??
Hi R.P, we are a psychology site. If you read the article, you’ll see that we are talking about the shadow as proposed by Jung. In psychology the shadow has nothing to do with ‘evil’ or ‘badness’. This is a cultural or religious belief. In psychology the shadow is the unintegrated parts of us we want to deny or reject but that we actually need. Things like anger and sadness. Without anger, for example, we don’t know how to set boundaries. So we really can’t comment on this sort of belief. But it does sound like you might be quite hard on yourself and not accept yourself, if you see a part of yourself as ‘dangerous and evil’. This would generally relate to childhood experiences where you felt unsafe, such as trauma. It leaves you with hidden beliefs in your unconscious mind that you are unworthy or ‘flawed’.
Nikola, I don’t disagree with the advice given but very able children often falsily attribute negative intentions to individuals who act in ways they would not. Many get fed up with other children competing with them and societies fixation on achievement can make many or even all relationships toxic for the able in early years. Add on an awareness much greater than any ablity to effect change, with pressure on people to do the right thing with a high level of conscientiousness. All these issues can cause problems.
More awareness of how mental ability can affect emotional development is just as important as special needs education (I was both gifted and learning disabled).
I believe ones shadow should never be repressed, you should express joy anger, fear sadness, for they are part of your makeup.I do have anger, issues but I try to express my angerby being more assertive and speaking my mind when I need to. It’s is healthier to get things of your chest instead of bottling your emotions, weather it’s anger, joy or fear.You also get to know yourself better.
Well said Frank, thank you!
Really helpful article. What I’m reading is that we can’t get rid of or heal our shadow. We can get to know our shadow self but if we get to know parts of our shadow self and accept them such as sadness or anger is it still part of our shadow self? If we are no longer denying this trait then surely not? I feel a little confused
Hi Beth, think of words in psychology as references we use to talk about the same thing more easily. At the end of the day your shadow self is not something you can see under a microscope, it’s a concept. What matters is the acceptance of self. The thing with anger and sadness is that we have yet to meet a person who totally accepts them when they come, most of us have to constantly work to not judge ourselves, it’s a life long process. If you get to mastery level with that and become so Buddhist you have no reaction or judgement on any part of yourself, then really it doesn’t matter if you want to use shadow self or not. Up to you.
I saw a shadow of my shadow, at night but it was real Scarry. What does that mean?
Hi there, sorry you felt afraid. But I’m afraid this article is not about a literal shadow, but if you actually read it, it’s about your psychological shadow, something very different.
Hello, I have been “suffering” for about a year and a half with what I believe to be my shadow part(s). I was sexually abused as a child for years by 1 perp and after that stopped by 4 other perps once or twice each. I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused by my ex-husband and raped twice. My life was uneventful until late 2018 when I began having “episodes” where I was beaten and sexually assaulted probably 5-6 times resulting in numerous injuries, all of which I have no memory or knowledge of. I have had a few flashbacks and ‘feelings’ but nothing solid. I am concerned because it seems that I am having sex with men(?) That I don’t know, I don’t know why, I don’t remember doing these things at all, I don’t even know how I’ve met them, how they know where I am or when to get together., and I’m scared. I’ve been in therapy and they don’t know what to do or how to help me. My boyfriend and I are going thru it because he thinks I’m lying about not remembering and I’m just doing these things because I want to, which could be farthest from the truth. I’m scared everyday for multiple reasons. Is it possible for my shadow to take control and act out like this and I don’t know, don’t remember any of it? Any advise or info would be greatly appreciated..
Hi Sharon, sounds tough. And hard to hear you haven’t found a therapist to help with what sounds severe dissociative episodes, not surprising given all the trauma you’ve experienced. But this wouldn’t be your shadow side, you are confusing the concept of the shadow with Christian notions of ‘good/bad’. Jung, who created the theory of the shadow, would never have supported this idea of everything being divided into right/wrong. The whole point of the shadow, as the article discusses, is not that it’s ‘bad’ or ‘dark’, more that it’s unwanted. Every part of us can be useful if use correctly. For example, anger, a ‘shadow emotion’, if used correctly, creates firm boundaries and keeps us safe. If not used correctly, because we repress it until it explodes, it becomes rage and hurts others. The point of the shadow side is that we must spend our lives accepting it and integrating it in healthy ways. So your issue is very serious but no, not to do with the shadow. It would be more likely to do with dissociation where a deep rooted core belief that you deserve to be hurt and treated badly that takes over. It is also possible to have different personalities, this can happen as a result of severe trauma, but we imagine that your therapist would have looked into whether it is dissociative identity disorder (DID). The best thing would be to really work on healing the root cause, the trauma and abuse. Note that for some people certain types of therapy trigger over help complex PTSD, so it’s important to try a therapy that stablises you first. Read more on this in our article on therapy for trauma http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Hope that helps, HT
Can your shadow when conversing with it during depression could it make you do bad things especially date use and manipulate others around you.
Hi Joseph, if you read the article, you will learn the shadow isn’t an entity that lives inside of you. It can’t ‘make’ you do anything.
Hello, I was heartbroken when my brother died ten years ago. I left me an inheritence which made my life more comfortable. I often used to speak to my brother in spirit wishing he were still here. Untill one time my inner voice said really if he my brother was still here you wouldn’t have paid off your mortgage and had holidays. I suddenly said to my brother in spirit oh it’s alright i’v got used to you not been here now. From then onwards I have suffered from self hatred for my primal greed. Please is that my shadow self.
Hi Julia, no, it isn’t. If you are referring to the idea of something outside of you that has somehow affected you. Instead it sounds like low self-esteem and self judgement. All coming from within you, and it is you. So by that definition these negative thoughts could be considered from your shadow self because, as the article discusses the Shadow self is not some entity or thing outside of ourselves but merely the parts of our very selves we deem unacceptable. Parts that are essential and useful when used correctly. Not some other thing that arrives and somehow poisons us. Did you ever have any counselling over your brother’s death? It could be extended grief. We would advise talking to someone if you could. Best, HT
I wonder…is the shadow more difficult to accept and deal with for the mentally ill? Or…does not dealing with the shadow cause the mental illness?
We would question the term ‘mentally ill’. We are all mentally different, and there are ‘mental norms’ that actually change over history and with cultures, not as they are set in stone. Mental ‘illness’ is a very Western/American way of looking it, and of course drives the pharmaceutical industry, but really there are those with mental issues and challenges or just differences. So we’d say whether someone accepts their shadow is nothing to do with ‘illness’ but that individual. And that some highly functioning people such as politicians are in obvious denial of their shadow, for example. Whereas someone with a so called ‘personality disorder’ might be very comfortable with their shadow side. Denying our shadow is a lack of self acceptance and leads to self deceit, deceit with others, anger issues, relationship issues…. sadly, in our society, these seem to be acceptable ways of operating. Best, HT
My sister was murdered last September. It has completely opened my eyes and crushed my world at the same time. In the past 6 months I have been trying to understand how to do Shadow Work exactly. I dont know if my OCD is takinh over or what, but I dont know where to start. Every time I start to think that I understand it and think Im ready to start.. I freeze and feel like I need mods and more examples of what Im trying fo do to understand how to get everything I need to release out. So, where should I start?
Hi Amanda, we are curious what you see as ‘shadow work’. Could you explain? Do you mean you are trying to release your emotions? We’d suggest you seek some support in this process. Losing a sister to such tragic circumstances is a powerful experience and it would be best to process your emotions in a safe space with support. Best, HT.
Ok my situation is different a friend of mine sees visions n feels things before they happen n he told me that he saw a dark shacow around n for me to be careful…
Hi Angelica, and how did that make you feel? Is this what he does often, goes around telling people there are bad things to come or around them? Life always has ups and downs and presents challenges but pushing people to expect bad things and be anxious helps nobody and we’d say that is more about him than you. Best, HT.
This is one of the most insightful posts I’ve read about the shadow. Much appreciation for your words. Integrating the shadow is the real healing. Love it.
Thanks Sage! We have a policy against posting links so had to remove your video link, but readers of this comment can find you googling Sage Shadow Work on youtube… Best, HT.
Hi Harley
Reading this has been very insightful for me as I have just started some therapy with a person who works with the shadow self. I have been confused with the concept of the masculine & feminine side of myself in re to my issues but hearing your explanation has brought more clarity. Where can I go to access more of this kind of information from Harley Therapy.
Regards
Linda
Hi there Linda, the idea that issues are ‘masculine and feminine’ does not actually come from psychotherapy but is a New Age idea, and unfortunately we don’t really adhere to that approach. So we don’t have any articles on that concept, sorry about that.
From an early age I have undergone and experienced quite a few tragic events from nearly dying in a car accident when I was 5, the suicide of my best mate at 18, the death of my cousin-in-law who was like my big brother for 7 years, dying when I was 20, I having open heart surgery when I was 20, experiencing love at first sight when I was 21 whilst on holidays but she dying in a car crash two weeks after we met, at 25 my fiance going off with another man, and from that time on never really having any long term relationships. I began to think that relationships would always end so I was always the one who, when things got a bit unsteady, would walk away. I believe I had an inbuilt ‘finality’ radar so best for me to go and not get hurt…again! I’m now 60, married for a few years and still I feel as though there are blockages within me from me getting to know who I really am. I am a creative person-theatre, acting, photography, etc but I do wonder if I am still angry with the world for dumping all that pain and grief on me and it is buried deep within me. I am trying to open my shadow parts up but any further assistance would be helpful.
Hi Brett. That is a tremendous amount of trauma. We aren’t surprised it’s affected your relating. Trauma affects the way our brain works. It can put us into an endless ‘fight flight or freeze’ stress response. In your case you are in flight response by the sounds of it. You could even have complex PTSD (c-PTSD). Your brain is trying to protect you, and if intimacy feels like a threat it will keep you at a distance from the other. So instead of assuming it’s your shadow side or there is something wrong with you we’d start at the level of the brain actually. And then consider short term therapies that work to lower your brain’s trigger response to perceived danger and also help your brain and body process all this trauma. Have a look at EMDR and BWRT, both very good at helping lower the trauma and stress response and also helping with anger. There is also clinical hypnotherapy. These brain training therapies then help you be in a more stable and open headspace so other therapies have a chance of helping. What would help from there is a longer form therapy that helped you with self compassion and relating. There are so many types of therapy out there, but it’s also about finding a therapist you think you could grow to trust (unlikely with this past you’ll immediately trust anyone). You might find the following therapies interesting, we have articles on all of them on this site: schema therapy, CAT therapy, existential therapy, transpersonal therapy, humanistic therapies. And mindfulness might be a great tool for you, you can learn it for free here http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. We wish you courage! And we absolutely feel you can start to address those blockages and that progress is possible. Best, HT.
When someone does something out of spite like latch there selves on to your husband trying to make you mad crAwling in the bed wit him with your children home constantly there every time you tun around then have the aduacied to make fun of God and people who believe in God want leave your home and your not suppose to get angry. What do you do I’m really trying not to drag this female male but what diagnose would you apply to me there. Patience is running out
Hi Mary. What do you mean you are ‘not supposed to get angry’? Says who? If someone is overstepping your boundaries then get angry and set healthy boundaries. If you let people walk all over you all the time then unfortunately they will. If you lack the confidence or strength to stick up for yourself and set boundaries that tends to come from a childhood where we had no voice and were not seen and fully supported for who we were. And it’s up to you to learn how to find your voice and your confidence now you are an adult. Counselling can help. Note that none of this has to do with the shadow self, however. Best, HT.