Connecting With People – What It Is and Isn’t, And Why You Might Find It Hard
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 14, 2023
By: Chris Hobcroft
by Andrea M. Darcy
Connecting with people is now proven by research to be good for our moods, and even our physical health.
- But what is “connecting”, really?
- What makes it so important?
- How can you tell if you are actually connecting to others?
- And what can you do if this subject a constant struggle for you?
Do I really have to connect with others?
Connection has been recognised as important to wellbeing since the last century.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s famed ‘hierarchy of needs‘ places our need to belong as secondary only to our survival needs. And attachment theory suggests that a child needs a trusting connection with a caregiver to do well as an adult.
Connection protects our mental health. A study on men who suffered depression showed that even joining just one social group lowered chances of feeling depressed again by 25%. [1]
And connection even matters when it comes to physical health and longevity.
A large scale research review on connection’s link with living a long, disease free life found that low social connection has as much of an affect on our mortality rate as not exercising, and is twice as harmful as being overweight. The review also felt loneliness affects morbidity as much as a smoking or alcohol problem. [2].
What does connecting with people really mean?
Real connection is more than just talking to others or sharing interests. After all, we can talk for over an hour with someone about sports or politics, even if we secretly can’t stand them.
More profound than mere conversation, true connection can happen without words and with someone we don’t even know. On the other hand, constant contact, such as working with someone every day, is no guarantee of actual connection.
Connecting with others is a sense of being open and available to another person, even as you feel they are open and available to you. Other ingredients of human connection are empathy and compassion – we feel goodwill to the person we are connecting with.
Examples of connection with others
Examples of human connection are things such as the below:
- having a personal conversation about what is important to you with someone and feeling listened to and understood
- taking the time to listen to someone else and feeling real empathy for them
- helping someone else out of unconditional goodwill
- offering sincere gratitude to another and receiving gratitude from others
- catching a strangers eye and both smiling
- a shared experience with others that involves laughter and goodwill.
How do I know if I’m really connecting to others?
By: Steve Ng
1. You are in the moment.
When we connect with others, we are no longer thinking about what went wrong in the past or of our future worries. We are just fully available to the present moment and to the shared experience we are having with another.
2. You are being yourself.
Human connection only works if there is honesty. It doesn’t work if we are trying to be something we aren’t.
3. You feel open – whether you feel good or not.
Connecting with others often feels good. But this is actually not always true. Feeling enough trust with someone to share a sad experience or something you are upset about can be a very strong way of connecting with someone as well.
4. You feel empathy and kindness for the other person.
Anger or being mean close us down to connection, as does judgement and criticism.
Human connection is usually kind. Sure, we can feel connected laughing with others about someone else. But often afterwards there is a hollow feeling, which shows it wasn’t connection at all.
5. A sense of trust exists between you and the other person.
This can happen even between two strangers – for example, allowing someone to help you with your suitcase up a set of stairs shows you trust them.
And these things often aren’t connection at all…
- You are always trying to connect with others by being interesting, funny, or smart, and you are always looking to others’ reactions to know what to do next.
In your need to feel accepted you are not being yourself, or are even manipulating others for attention. It’s not connection, it’s showmanship.
- Your ‘connection’ is based around a shared dislike of other people, or on talking about others.
Sure, you have something in common, but that tight feeling inside is not one of trust and connection. It’s just group misery.
By: Shannon Kringen
- You are always ‘having a laugh’ with others.
Many people hide themselves behind humour. Again, you can’t really connect if the real you isn’t present.
- You have many ‘fun’ nights out getting drunk.
This can sometimes lead to genuine sharing and connection. But if the only thing you share is that you both like drinking or dancing, then it’s shared experience over true connection.
- You have spent years of your life with someone.
If you are not able to be yourself or trust the other, or if they are hiding their true self, and if trust is just not there, then you are are merely passing time together. Sadly, this all too often passes for ‘friendship’ or even a relationship in modern society.
Why is connecting with people so hard for me?
- Are you always watching the way others are so comfortable around each other, but simply don’t understand how?
- Do you feel alienated from other people?
- Does social interaction leave you feeling anxious?
- Do you feel you have no real sense of self to connect to others with?
- Do you constantly get feedback that you are a ‘difficult’ person, or ‘hard to understand’?
Human interaction is not easy for everyone. For some people it’s just a case of shyness, but if that is so, you’ll tend to feel connected to your family and a few close friends, just not strangers.
Otherwise, a failure to connect to others tends to be a sign of a psychological health issue. Which sounds scary, but simply means you might need to reconsider your perspective, or seek some support to try new ways of thinking and behaving.
Psychological problems that cause difficulty connecting with others
There are several, including:
- low self-esteem
- trust issues
- attachment issues
- childhood trauma including abuse
- autism and aspergers
- depression
- anxiety and social anxiety disorder
- personality disorders.
Personality disorders and difficulties with connecting with people
Find you can’t connect with anyone at all, not even your family? That you’ve had this problem since at least young adulthood? That others constantly find you think in act in ways that are ‘different’ or ‘strange’? Or even find you just don’t even want to connect, and can’t comprehend why others do?
These are all possible signs of a personality disorder, a common reason connecting with people is an issue.
A personality disorder means that the way you see the world, and therefore the ways you behave, just don’t match the way that most people see things. Being on a different wavelength than the ‘norm’ means you might not understand others, even as they don’t understand you.
What do I do if I think I have a personality disorder or issue?
It’s best not to self-diagnose. We all have times in life when we act and think in ways that others find unusual. Often it’s just down to stress or a difficult life change, or because a childhood trauma is rising up to be dealt with.
If you recognise yourself when researching signs of a particular personality disorder, or feel you have issues with your emotional health that are holding you back and leaving you lonely? It’s best to seek support. Speak to your GP, a school counsellor, or consider working with a private counselling psychologist or psychotherapist.
Harley Therapy connects you to friendly and highly trained counsellors and psychotherapists who can help you connect better with others. You can choose to arrange an appointment at one of our central London locations, or with online therapy you can work from the comfort of wherever you may be.
Still have a question about connecting with people? Want to share your personal experience with our readers? Use the comment box below.
Andrea M. Darcy is a screenwriter turned mental health researcher and writer. She is currently the lead writer of this site. She grew up in a very disconnected family, and is proof you can learn to be good at connecting with others.
FOOTNOTES
[1] Cruwys T, Dingle GA, Haslam C, Haslam SA, Jetten J, Morton TA. Social group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms and prevent depression relapse. Soc Sci Med. 2013 Dec;98:179-86. doi: 10.1016/j.socscimed.2013.09.013. Epub 2013 Sep 25. PMID: 24331897.
[2]Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Med. 2010 Jul 27;7(7):e1000316. doi: 10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316. PMID: 20668659; PMCID: PMC2910600.
Hello !! i am from India. i work in an environment where i am in touch with 200 other colleagues but i am not able to connect with people. The genuine connection is very rare. i don’t like their company coz the talks mainly consists of girls , sex and lame jokes on our Jobs. Others form group and they share their laughs and make trips. But i am not finding a single person with whom i can share some common interest like TV series , Sports , Movie or something intellectual. it leads to anxiety and the idea of being left out. it is happening time and again. i am not an introvert yet i am facing such issues. Please help!!
Shyam, that sounds hard. We can’t give a ‘diagnosis’ over the internet. We can’t say what is going wrong. But we do know that essentially, once the group politics fade, and we are with people one-on-one, we are all in some ways connected and the same. We also know that core beliefs, assumptions we have decided are facts when they aren’t, can colour everything we see. We often even emanate behaviours because of our beliefs that we don’t realise we are doing. For example, if you have decided ‘nobody is like me, nobody is good enough to talk to’ you might come across as standoffish without meaning to. What would happen if instead of always focussing on what was different, you put as much effort into trying to find out what was similar? Is it really possible that out of 200 people you don’t have anything in common with anyone? What are your expectations of people? Maybe write them down. Who taught you to have these expectations of others? Are they fair expectations? What ones might you be able to drop? Then maybe take the time to write down all your judgements of other people. That they are stupid, not interesting, etcetera. Where do these come from? If you are honest with yourself, are any of these things you secretly judge yourself on in your head? What could you do to start raising your own self -esteem? Hope that helps.
I look back to the past few years and think of how I interacted with other people. I was feeling good about myself and had a good self-esteem, but when I had to meet with friends that I haven’t seen for a while, I would get nervous. I guess that’s because I was concerned that they have certain expectations and I shall meet those expectations. And when I had to meet new people, I would also get nervous in the beginning thinking of making a good impression on them, I also tried to appear interesting (or sometimes funny or smart). I think it got onto unhealthy level because I would think of what I’m gonna say or what way I’m gonna behave even when I was going to meet my closest friends.. I knew they loved me and admired me in some way, and I didn’t want to disappoint them.. I was nervous to meet my little cousins because I knew last time I was very friendly and entertaining, and I was afraid not to meet their expectations… and my anxiety took over and I closed from them. I was even nervous to meet my boyfriend.. The day we met I was talking a lot about myself (I guess, to appear interesting… and that happened every time I meet new people) and I guess I made a good impression on him, the next time we went on a date I was quite nervous, thinking of “what else could I say?”.. and even-though I felt comfortable around him, I guess, it was not on 100%, I would get nervous time to time. I was nervous going to a store, because I knew the cashier-lady really liked me, always smiled when she saw me and asked a lot of questions about this and that~ I would try to maintain the image of a positive girl that she liked and smile, but at certain point I would want to escape because I would get a little anxious.. But overall I seemed sociable and I thought I’m doing great talking with strangers (even-though I would get nervous about impressing them). Now I think this is unhealthy and after I read this I article I wondered “Was I connecting at all?”… So lately I’ve been thinking that I must change it. I look at people around and wonder how do they feel so comfortable around each other.. But on the other hand, my sister’s boyfriend says “I like being liked by people. I try to leave a good impression about myself. It’s not a bad thing.”. So now I’m really confused, was that wrong that I always tried to leave a good impression about myself or is it normal?.. I want to learn to really connect with people, but I don’t know how… My self-esteem is on its lowest right now.. I get anxious even around my relatives and can’t connect at all.. Please, help
Hi Teresa, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are really trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of yourself. You’d be amazed how many people go through this. We can become so worried about what other people think that in the end we don’t even know who we are. What this usually comes from is parents who only showed us love and affection if we were ‘good’ or ‘pleasing’ but gave us the message that feeling sad, angry, or grumpy were ‘bad’. Perhaps your parents themselves hid their true emotions and pretended things were fine all the time. Guess what. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, grumpy, miserable, angry. Nothing at all. They are perfectly normal ways of feeling and being we ALL feel. And it’s denying that that causes real problems. Healthy relationships are when we are fully ourselves no matter how we feel. And when we learn to be ourselves a funny thing happens.Yes, some people we know might like it. But in general other people become more comfortable around us, not less. Because other people aren’t perfect either, and what people really seek is authenticity. You are the point you have very low self esteem and have anxiety. So we would suggest that while research on being yourself, codependency, and growing your self esteem can help, really it’s best you seek support if at all possible. A counsellor or therapist creates a really safe space where you can actually try not being perfect. Which can be amazing to experience and a huge relief. You seem to be quite young, so we suggest you read our article on how to get help when you are a young person. bit.ly/teenmentalthealthhelp
I used to be great at connecting with people and making friends then all the sudden, within the last few years, it seems like who I am as a person was no longer connecting to anyone anymore. Mostly because people started to tear my self esteem down. I used to be a very outgoing and happy person and I started meeting people who secretly hated how outgoing I was or just seemed jealous of me overall and they ripped me apart. My life is mostly great. I attractive, healthy and active, I have my dream condo, I have my dream job, I have hobbies that I enjoy but for some reason, people just start nitpicking me and ripping me down, especially men. I thought this wasn’t affecting me but now I realize it has tore a tremendous hole in my self esteem. I also think I lost touch with what people actually want from friendships and relationships now and I just feel confused. For me, connecting was always simple. I show people kindness, we talk about our commonalities, we give supportive words of encourage, I have a genuine interest in what people are doing and an overall interested in them as a person, I don’t judge anyone, I share my life interest and goals and pains with them, and I plan for us to do new and exciting things together. For whatever reason, I felt like people were not interested in connecting with me no matter how much I did each of these things. So naturally, I started to become more introspective, introverted, and focused more on myself. I stopped socializing completely to the point that I became a total homebody. I started developing more personal hobbies that I did alone and kept to myself. I started to enjoy my own company because I felt like I understood myself. But obviously that is such a lonely experience to have so I tried to start dating and meeting new people but now it seems its even worse than before because now I feel like I don’t even know what I should or should not be saying to anyone. Years of meeting people who looked down on me for being positive and outgoing has me thinking that I can’t be that way anymore. I feel like I can’t win no matter what I do. I have never been like this in my entire 31 years of living. Part of me feels like its the city I live in. When I travel to other cities, people are friendlier and more interested in being my friend then here. I don’t deal with as much jealous and mean treatment in other places. Also, my dating life seems to be better when I’m in other places. The other part of me thinks its just what happens when you turn 30 and you realize you are still single while all of your former friends are focused on marriage, kids, and career. But part of me can’t help but think something is wrong with me. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Angela, we question the term ‘something wrong with me’. Why? Because you aren’t perfectly ‘positive’, because you are questioning life, because you are feeling uncertain and maybe even slightly…angry? Where in life, or from whom, did you learn you have to be perfect and positive all the time? Is it possible that this is not sustainable or even real? Is it also possible that people who have parents who push them to only be ‘good’ and ‘perfect’ children grow up into adults who can maintain this ‘good, happy, cheerful, positive’ charade for quite awhile, usually until about… well, 30. Aged 28 to 30 is the time many women seek therapy for the first time because they start to realise there is a whole side to their personality they did not know about. Maybe this side is less ‘shiny happy’ and more authentic, maybe it feels strange at first. Sure, we can blame it on the city we live in, the people around us. Or we can take the time to explore who we really are. In summary, we would guess that this introverted, uncertain side you are claiming just happened because of other people putting you down, and this edge of low self esteem that is surfacing, have much older roots, that they have been part of your life experience since childhood but that you have managed to keep hidden until now. We’d strongly suggest counselling. It creates a safe space to vent without being judged, to figure out who you are and what really matters to you, and to help you raise your esteem and feel truly comfortable in your skin instead of judging yourself. When we are truly comfortable with ourselves -all of ourselves, not just the cherry picked, controlled version – we rather easily attract the friendships and relationships we have longed for.
Hi, Recently I ended a friendship with my bestfriend and it was easy for me because I had been thinking about it for awhile. But I just feel we were on different levels, after seeing a therapist for depression/anxiety symptoms I have been growing in ways I think are great and no longer really need to see her often. I ended the friendship calmly and logically I feel, saying I didn’t think it was bad but this thing happens when people grow apart and theres nothing wrong with either of us but we are just different now. Throughout my life I’ve had friendships, not many when I started high school because I moved alot and had anxiety in new situations where I didn’t know anyone. I’ve never felt a real connection to my friendships, I’ve always felt on a different wavelength from them and I always considered it maturity. Am I just in the wrong crowd of people? I don’t know where to find people that understand me and have similar ideals. Or is it something else?
Hi Kai, it’s a big question and obviously one we can’t answer over the internet without knowing you. We do grow and change as people, and sometimes we do have to let go of friendships. But if you never connect well it’s more likely to be deeper psychological issues. Possibly connected to what sounds an unstable childhood. We’d highly suggest you discuss this with your therapist, that is what they are there for!
For as long as I can remember (we’ll from the age of 12 at least). I’ve Wanted and thought, about nothing more than have a close group of friends and a happy romantic relationship, it’s genuinely the thing I always think about before going to sleep or whenever my mind drifts. However I find it impossible to build those relationships. I’m now 25 and although I have two amazing friends ( who im extremely close to and love to pieces!) I can’t get away from the fact that one is my sister and the other is a friend I’ve known since I was 3 years old. I really struggle letting new people into my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend even though I want too and even when I’ve had the opertunity Ive always avoided it against what I truly feel. I just have such a strange fear around people and theres no real reason or past trauma I can think of to back it up. So I don’t know where to start with changing it. I just know I can’t keep feeling this empty :/ any ideas?
Hi there, thanks for sharing this. We would say seek therapy over it, and not just as we love therapy! But because it would be best to rule out a possible personality disorder (a horrible word, we don’t like it, but all it means is that you see the world differently than others). And because therapy itself is connection. You develop a relationship with your therapist. For many people it’s the first trusting relationship with a stranger they have ever had, and it gives them confidence to then try trusting others in their day to day life. You might find there are experiences you have overlooked that are creating your intimacy issues – often the mind avoids looking at things, but somehow the environment of the therapy room seems to pull things out. Even if you don’t, you can learn new ways of relating. The key when looking for a therapist is not to find someone you instantly like (obviously, if you find relating hard, that won’t happen) but someone that seems decent, that you can at least relax a little around, and feel you might, in the future, with time, grow to trust .We wish you courage!
I’m a retard I have no problem meeting people and engaging them but I just don’t seem to connect with anyone I find I always try to please everyone n end up being hurt or mistreated I struggle to get on with my own family m for many just reasons and a few shitty girlfriends have left my brain to mush I have partied for so many years thinking I just like to part now I want a better life I’m left emotionally mostly destroyed I seem to think i know what it is but I just can’t let go of old feelings I have mega trust issues and can never truly bond I even stand in the mirror and call myself a wierdo it affects everything but I’m stuck in this continuous loop of negative thought patterns and I don’t want this anymore
I never used to be this way until I became a sober person trying to better myself now just a wierdo why can I not change this when I know what hurts me
Rej, thanks for this honest sharing. First of all, congratulations for getting sober. Can you give yourself some credit for this? Because what is needed here is that you start seeing what is right and not just what is wrong. Part of the reason we can struggle to connect is if we have such low self-esteem we are terrified of others seeing us in a bad light so block connection with our own fear and sabotage. So look, back to getting sober. The reason we drink, take drugs, whatever it is, is that we are hiding from emotional pain. And when we go sober, well damn it lo and behold all those repressed emotions and experiences are still there waiting for us. So yes, we can feel under a tsunami of shame and self hatred. But it’s a process. It’s okay to feel bad, and it’s honest. There is no use in pretending to feel good if you don’t and positive thinking is overrated. But how about you notice what is ACTUALLY going ok as well? You are sober, for today. That’s great. You are out there googling things to improve your life, that’s great too, how many people don’t even bother? What else? What three things, however tiny, went RIGHT today? Could you make a practise of spending time each and every day writing down what is going okay? This is called a gratitude practise. It’s more powerful than it sounds. It slowly reprograms our brains to see things differently.http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise Two other things to look into. One, self compassion. It’s a faster way to self esteem http://bit.ly/selfcompassionlearn and then learn about CBT therapy. it’s a short term therapy that can really help us stabilise and get control of negative thinking, and it doesn’t even really involve talking about your past, just focusing on what is going on for you here and now. We think it might be a good fit for you. http://bit.ly/CBTTherapy . In summary, you are on the right path. Things don’t change in a day. It’s a journey. But you are on the right path now. If you haven’t connected to others properly before, it will take time, but you can learn it. But the best place to start is to connect to yourself. How can you be kinder and more compassionate to yourself starting today? We wish you courage.
For as long as I remember I’ve always had problems connecting with people. I have a lot of family, friends, and co-workers that I’ve known for years, but I still manage to feel alone when they are around. Growing up I had a lot of family in the house, but I always stayed in my room because I knew every time. I expressed the way I thought about things I was always seen as weird. I would always stay in my room and watch sitcoms. Thinking about how great it would be to have a group of friends to talk to, a d understand. And now I have friends, but I always feel myself trying to be interesting to fill the uncomfortable silence. I have co-workers that try to talk to me, but I avoid all conversation because I know trying to connect with me is pointless. I know the best option for me is therapy, but I don’t make a lot of money. I just found this article late at night and felt like sharing. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing Eli! It is a good instinct to try therapy, and we’d just say that often you can find ‘sliding scale therapy’. Read our article on finding low cost therapy to learn more http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
I cant bring myself to show the real me to people. Its always just bits and pieces of the true me or some fake personality altogether. I dont think i ever truly connected with anyone and even though I want to, I dont trust anyone enough to talk honestly about something concerning me or stressing me. Even my best friend which i’ve known all my life doesnt know the real me but at least its close… It started in elementary when my whole class (except my best friend) disliked me, my personality and the way I was. I had problems understanding them and i still dont understand people and the way they act and think. All I’ve learned is how to act sociable – but it tears me to shreds internally. I have breakdowns once or twice a week where i just cry myself to sleep and it keeps me going for a while but its not really pleasant. Another problem is the anxiety. I have absolutely no problem with strangers and apparently appear like a normal person on the first few meets but if i truly like someone (no matter if romantically or friendly) I start to get so nervous i literally throw up or get the runs or just faint before even meeting them (again my best friend is an exception). I dont understand where that fear is coming from and i have no idea what it is that i fear. But if i get this fear i just clam up and break off contact sooner or later because of the health issues (cant eat, throw up out of nervousnes, runs, loose weight, dehydrated, STRESS,…) I feel hopeless and have no idea what to do anymore I tried convincing myself that its not so bad, tried anti stress exercises and so on. When i think of opening up to someone who knows me i get an adrenaline dose which makes me loose appetite instantly and usually leads to me not eating at all for the rest of the day so i push these thoughts away as far as i can. Do you have some tips or tricks or some piece of advice to help me? (sorry for grammar errors, english is not my first language; and thanks in advance)
Stray, we can’t diagnose you over a comment box! We’d need to know you well and spend sessions with anyone befor ever making a diagnosis. But we think you might find it interesting to learn about what’s called ‘anxious attachment’. This generally comes from a childhood where there just wasn’t the parenting you needed, where there wasn’t one very reliable, always loving and trust worthy adult. You can read all about it here http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment. With this sort of issue you are dealing with there is no quick answer or ‘tricks’ other than committing seriously to a path of self healing and finding support. These are deep rooted issues. We’d suggest perhaps starting with CBT therapy to get your anxiety lowered, then maybe considering a longer term therapy, maybe schema therapy, or one of the many therapies that help with relating you can read about here http://bit.ly/feelunloveable
My birth was a disappointment to my parents b/c they wanted a boy, and I arrived as the 4th girl. So I felt “like I wasn’t supposed to be here” and disconnected most of my life. I have since healed pretty good in this area, confidently know my purpose in life, have a large family (who are all way “too busy” to see very much) and a wide circle of friends I that I do see quite often. I feel “connected” to God most of the time, but only sense “connection” with other people when I am with them (which of course is not all the time). My question is-does the sense of “connection” only occur when you are actually with people? Because when I am not with others, I often feel “disconnected”. So is “connection” a state of being when someone is present and its normal to feel alone when one is actually alone? I want to make sure my perspective is correct about this matter.
Pam, an excellent question. And we’d ask, is this a question of connection…. or of belonging? When we feel unwanted as a child, we can have a very hidden core belief that ‘I don’t belong here’. I don’t belong on this planet, even. And this means we never feel grounded when alone. What would it feel like it you DID belong? How would you think and behave differently? A powerful question to play with…..we think when you start to truly allow yourself to belong then you’ll start to feel connected to everything, all the time. It’s a process, but a powerful one. Writers to look into here are Brene Brown and Toko-pa Turner.
Hi, I have been depressed for some years due to some circumstances. It started in my early teens and I couldn’t help it. I never understood what I was feeling until when I got into the college. People called me names and told me how bad I was. I got more depressed than ever. I feel so abnormal cos I can’t communicate well with people not alone connecting with them. I stay away from people and I intentionally or unintentionally do things that will keep them off no matter how hard they try. And some times I want to be out there but I get so scared. I don’t know how to get out of this mess. Please I need help.
Hi Hilda, that sounds really tough. We’d definitely suggest you reach out for some support on all this, even if it feels really scary. Because nobody deserves to feel so lonely. Some of us just have different ways of seeing the world than other people. Perhaps we have a personality disorder, or are on the autism spectrum, or are just really oversensitive. Whatever it is, it’s hard to figure out alone. It’s a bit like being in the middle of a forest. Because we are in the forest, we only see the trees, not the whole forest! We need someone else to come along with a different perspective to show us, hey, you are stuck in a forest, here is where you are and how to move forward… All colleges have counselling available for students these days, either low cost or free. Can you look into it and see what you can find? We wish you courage!
Hello! I came across this looking for connection. Today the song, “ You’re Somebody Else” by Flora cash came to mind. I had to listen to it and it described how I’m feeling. Listening to the song is like I’m telling myself I’m being “somebody else”. I’m not really being the REAL me. I’m going through life changes and I’m at a loss right now. I don’t know how to get back to being ME. Help. I’m not connecting to friends or family like I used to. I just like to be alone but that is not really good if I’m constantly choosing to be by myself.
Hi Mariah, sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and your coping mechanism is to hide. A lot of us have it. And you are right, it’s not the best way to cope, even as it does work in a temporary measure. In the long run it leaves us lonely, feeling misunderstood, and even creating a false self for others so we can hide our real feelings more and more. Often this arises from a whole lot of self judgement. We feel the real us isn’t good enough so we hide away. And this stems from deep rooted core beliefs we aren’t good enough, aren’t loveable, which tend to come from childhood. In summary, you need support. If you don’t like your friends and family knowing you are struggling ,then call a counsellor or therapist. He or she will create a safe environment for you to be any way you want, and they will never judge you for it. Good luck.
When I go to university, I have a friend. They were close to each other through military service in the school. Because you are looking for a place to go to school. By the way, the room is empty, so please ask me to stay together. He agreed. And so the two of them are in the same class, going to the same class, the one who cooks the dishwasher, the hero of the money together is generally very close. But in the second year, I have recently dropped a few subjects at school and so I have to study two different classes. Except for a few subjects, there are no prerequisites to study together. And I study e with b, I think thinking about studying together you will work together, help each other like that. But it is not like it is very separate. She has to play with other students and learn together. When I go out to eat, I don’t ask him to eat together, I don’t talk as much as before. I felt like I was not qualified to tell b (speaking in English language every time the subject pass was promoted) and gradually became uninterested and began to shun. At home, the quiet space lun b does not start talking and I don’t lun. Only when it is necessary is something important e ms say b. Is it too weak for me? Is it selfish? I can’t connect if I don’t depend on others
Hi Pham, we don’t speak the language you left your comment in so used google translate. Which didn’t translate it so well so we don’t understand all of it. But we think what you are saying is that you want really intense connection or not at all? It’s not weak or selfish, but it might mean that you are quite needy in relationships, which could point to issues from your childhood about rejection and abandonment it would be good to work at healing with a counsellor.
I have been feeling very alienated from others.. 3 years ago I lost my mother while I was in school ( I was 21 at the time). My dad gave up on himself and myself as well. My family moved across the country and I felt completely alone for 3 years straight. I forgot what it felt to be loved by anyone really.
Fast forward to now, I have moved in with my family because I thought It would be good for my mental health but I cannot connect with them. I feel as if I’m emotionally detached from all the years of being on my own and being quite numb to pain. Could this pain numb the feeling of love? Or expressing emotion? I cannot date either, I simply do not open up, I don’t argue, I kind of just exist and it’s never worked out for me.
I feel like I do not understand others as if they may not understand me.
Any help would be great.
Thank you.
Hi Bailey, sounds like not only did you lose your Mother, but you were pulled out of the world you knew. Both are traumatic and the two together must have been quite a shock to the system. And you sound dissociated – trauma can mean we live our life sort of floating outside of ourselves, unable to connect not just to people but ourselves. We can feel foggy, floating, does that sound familiar? We would say it would be best to take this very seriously and seek support. A counsellor or psychotherapist, one who has experience working with grief would be great. They’ll create a space for you to process your feelings and ‘come back to earth’, so to speak. It won’t be an overnight process. You’ll have to commit to working on yourself and working through painful emotions. But the end result will be improved moods and relationships. We wish you courage!
I have studied sociology, psychology, philosophy,have a counselling certificate, was a nurse for many years and have worked with people with alcohol and drug problems for 17 years.
Your definition of a personality disorder is simply inaccurate.
Just because someone sees the world differently from others or even from most folk does not mean they have a personality disorder
Hi Michael, you are paraphrasing and taking it way out of context, pulling one sentence from a section? To quote the NHS, “a person with a personality disorder thinks, feels, behaves or relates to others very differently from the average person”. The section in this article discussing personality disorders covers all these bases if you read it properly. Thanks.
Sadly, most human relationships are superficial and people are unable or unwilling to connect to one another because of their lower brain predatory/self preservationist impulses. We are predators, and we tend to seek out others that are as well and if we find those that are not, who are higher order, more evolved, we want to make them feel threatened and at fault. Hey, don’t feel bad, humans are primitive creatures. They are basic predatory animals. So why pretend otherwise???? Let’s drop the facade of psychological disorders, and accept reality. Humans cannot, and will never connect. That’s why we are on the edge of toal annihilation per our own hand.
Hi Angel, that’s an awful lot of assumptions and a very strong perspective not based on scientific fact. Yes, we have our ‘lizard brain’ still, but the brain, too, has evolved into several more parts…..If you want to believe all this you say, we are sure you can create a world that proves it, but it’s bound to be very lonely……And you have the choice to create a life for yourself that many other people have, where relationships are not superficial, where you can connect. Of course you’ll have to work through your anger, sadness, and sense of being betrayed and abandoned first, which might relate to difficult childhood experiences. But we believe the effort would be worth it, and that you deserve to feel like you belong here with the rest of us, instead of constantly let down. All the best.
I’ m not able form close relationship with any one …im not feeling connected with my parents also….they critisizes me even for small things…if i do good things on my own they feel happy…if i do wrong things they scold me but they don’t tell me how to do it correctly…i’ m afraid of them , their critisms, their scoldings … Prefer to be numb infront of them n feeling lonely like there is no one to help me ….im 28 yrs old now…till now im acting like im happy , push my self to communicate with others ( in that period i face depreesion , anxiety ) but not forming true relations..feeling that my friends leave me if they know me….constantly thinking what others feel n trying to manipulate them when im outside …in some situations im doing anything for others without boundaried because of fearbof leaving me and in some situations im hurting them badly…m.all people looking like enemies to me..im hating them inside.. If they critisize me about something …keeping that in my mind im hating them n hurting also….im not liking my behaviour….i am feeling bad about me for this but not able over come this .. …im feelin lonely, disconnecting, thinking about past mistakes n problems coming in future….im afraid of people …not feeling safe…feeling like whole world is one side n me other side…i have low self esteem , social anxiety ..so i cannot manage my work independently at the same time cannot connect with people..i took medication for depreesion , anxiety but didnot get improvement ..Is it my nature im born with or can i change now ? Please help…tthank u…
Hi Mary, no, it’s not ‘in your nature’ and yes, it can change. What you describe is actually common in people who had parents who did not fully accept them but insisted they be ‘good’ and ‘smart’. It’s not as they mean to be terrible parents, it’s that they probably had the same sort of upbringing and are unaware how much stress they have caused you. As children, when we grow up so criticised, we then learn to hide our emotions and thoughts, indeed, our real selves, in order to get the love we need. We end up adults who don’t even know who we are, who are scared to be ourselves, who are sure nobody could love us as is. We need support to raise self esteem and learn to be ourselves. We don’t know what country you are in, the USA, for example, is quick to offer drugs without looking to the root reasons. We’d instead say counselling could really help you. Find a good counsellor you think you could grow to trust and be as honest as possible with them about all this, don’t try to impress the therapist. If you are struggling with finances, read our article on free to low cost counselling to learn how to find cheap therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. You might also want to use the search bar to find our articles on codependency and anxious attachment. Good luck!
Hey
I hope you could shed some light on my situation. Thank you.
I struggle with connecting with people I already have a connection with. It recently became much worse than when I was younger.
I feel burdened by having to say yes for a social visit. But inviting people over isn’t an issue for me. I notice when I do invite friends or family, the thought of having to entertain them gives me anxiety and wanting to cancel, but once they arrive I enjoy the company. When I think of how the day went I am mostly happy I didn’t cancel. Making friends isn’t hard but keeping my friendships feel like a lot of work. I feel horrible for how I feel when my friends or family reach out to me. Im a very caring person, who always makes sure my family and friends feel loved by me in anyway possible, but having to really push myself to meet with them is just one of the things I really struggle with. I need to understand why I am like this. I have done some counselling on my childhood trauma, and I honestly don’t think or know that it’s causing all this confusion. Because I understand the root of it all, and have made peace with it.
Please help me. I can’t keep living this way, making the people around me feel less important when it comes to me having to agree to see them. It’s not fair on them.
Hi there Andrewanda. Anxiety in and of itself can cause this sort of social panic and desire for isolation. As can depression. They both cause us to push others away and feel the need to be alone and make things that used to seem easy feel exhausting and like too much work. So is there something that is triggering more anxiety for you lately? Or have you been feeling low? Childhood trauma can be a cause of cycles of depression and anxiety, even if we do counselling over it. It’s as if the brain is set into a cycle. Othertimes people just don’t know why they get depressed or anxious, in fact it’s rarely logical, it just comes over many of us. Some people find things like CBT therapy and clinical hypnotherapy useful to help with these cycles.Finally, we’d note that you are hard on yourself. Wouldn’t real friends understand? And aren’t real friends always friends no matter how much time passes between visits? And if you just honestly shared you are not yourself lately and need more time out, would they not understand? And we’d say there are assumptions here. You are assuming that people feel ‘less important’ when you cancel. Maybe they actually don’t. It would be a good exercise to try to catch your thoughts and ask yourself, is this really true? Can I read the other person’s thoughts? Have I asked them? Is this an assumption? We’d suggest you read our article on cognitive distortions, another issue CBT can help with http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist
Hello sir/ mam,
I am from India.
From my childhood days I am terribly silent.
I was not good at my academics and I didn’t have enough skill in my job also. Now I got married and life going ok but I am unable to connect with anyone.
When I analyse myself I don’t think it’s bcz of my inferiority complex ( I m not sure anyways) because I am silent Even when I was studying first grade itself. During those times a kid can’t know that she s not good at studies or I didn’t have any kind of pressure from my family also.
What could be the reason for my silence. I feel bad when ppl often tell me I m terribly silent and they judge me differently According to their perception.
Hi Anu, people are complex, we are all made of our many experiences. So we could never do anyone the dishonour of trying to give any kind of diagnosis without knowing them. It could be so many things. What matters here is that you are unhappy, and you are longing for change. We also see a lot of self judgement. There are, for example, many introverted quiet people in the world who are happy as they are. But you are not and you are not comfortable in your skin. It sounds like a fairly deep issue for you, so not something you can fix just like that, what would be best is finding a counsellor to talk to. Is that possible for you?
I have always had friends, but I have always felt strange and alone. I can count three people that I have had a real bond with, and sadly I have lost the connection to all of them because of different work situations, break ups and so on.
I find it very hard to connect to others, but I do think other people like me quite a lot. I often get invited to parties and stuff in the beginning of semesters or when I recently starts a new job. But because I “never” connect to others, and often find others “boring”, “strange” or “stupid” I find it exhausting attending social events. So usually the invitations stops coming. I have felt lonely as far I can remember. It is so painful and I feel I don’t get to experience my life with all my potential. That is something I am very unhappy about. I miss belonging to someone or to a group.
My therapist told me recently that I have a sort of personality disorder related to attachment issues, and it is caused by experiences in my childhood. It nice to finally understand why I struggle with connecting to others and now I get the help that I need. I really hope that I will be well. But the therapy takes time and I am worried that the therapy won’t help me, and I am afraid to spend the rest of my life in total loneliness among others.
Elina, be really proud of yourself for getting that help and learning what might be going on and putting work into changing it. Therapy takes time, commitment, and self-belief, this is true. But think of it this way. Babies aren’t born knowing exactly how to connect and relate, they learn it from adults around them. So it’s a learnable skill, not something others magically have and you never will. You can learn it, and you can see different results in future. Good luck!
Being different doesn’t mean you have a ‘personality disorder’. We don’t all fit into neat little labels created for others’ convenience.
We agree Jane. Personality disorders are a different way of seeing the world, others, and yourself that surface in adolescence and affect all areas of life, not just some. Many people are different without qualifying as having a ‘personality disorder’, and mental health labels are simply labels, not illnesses that can be seen under a microscope, and they are culturally connected, what is seen as ‘disordered’ in our current society might not be in other cultures or historical times. These labels are designed to more effectively treat and help those who are struggling, but can have a down side of making someone feel boxed in. We see clients as individuals first. If a label is helpful to you, take it, but it is not who you are and it shouldn’t form anyone’s entire identity.
Hello all!
My name is Jessica. I’ve had a very strange and difficult life. Im saying this not for sympathy but simply for help. Running across this article has my heart racing because this has been on my mind for years. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am not “normal”. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and major depressive disorder. The depression was diagnosed after a failed suicide attempt due to…you got it! The inability to connect with the world I live in. It’s very miserable to go through life with no one who knows you and where you also dont understand or truly know anyone around you. I try my best to make friends and even to just get closer to my family. It’s not a lack of wanting the connection but more a lack of knowing how to properly make that connection. Growing up I was above average as far as having friends and just living life to the fullest. When I was 18 my father died and everything else in life was taken shortly after.(house,belongings,friends, pets home state). I was a new woman in a new state with nothing to my name. I live that was for a few years and that’s when I started losing myself. Now at 27 I’ve lost every piece of who I was and it’s not like it was replaced. I feel as if I dont have a personality at all anymore and I literally cant remember who I was, how i acted, how i felt in situations,ext. Is there any way to get that back? I used to love who i was and I’d give anything to be that person again. Even if you dont have an answer thank you for reading.
Hi Jessica, sounds a tough experience. The first thing that comes to mind is that a shift in perspective could help. If we overfocus on who were were before trauma, we can neglect to notice the good parts of who we are after it. Sounds to us like you are resilient and resourceful, for starters, to navigate all that. We’d also say that the idea we are one fixed identity is not correct. We are all many things, and we can have highs and lows. It’s better to work to accept all of ourselves instead of making false assumptions that we have a ‘good self’ or ‘bad self’ or ‘real self’ or ‘false self’. Being a human is complicated and we grow and change, and that’s ok. So now onto the trauma bit. Being forced to change everything can make it hard to connect with people who haven’t. So if you’ve gone through all that, it would be hard to connect with people from the past who have had easy, limited lives and simply don’t understand what you’ve worked through. So sometimes it’s a matter of accepting how much we’ve grown, and working to find people who are actually at our level instead of trying to fit into a box we’ve outgrown. Why, after all, do you want to be that old person when the you you are has gifts and knowledge that is mature and more advanced, even if you had to learn it the hard way? But you say you have trouble connecting with others in general. the good thing is that you can learn these skills if this is true. But it is best if there is some help on this front as it’s hard to troubleshoot our own behaviours and helpful for someone to help us see how our behaviours come across. You say you were diagnosed with anxiety, did you get given any kind of proper support? We think you’d find some counselling really useful. It is a relationship, you and the therapist, so it’s a great place to learn and try out new ways of relating. Some forms of therapy focus exclusively on this – read this article here http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. Hope that helps.
Hi! My name is Pamela.
I’ve been struggling with connecting to other people for a while. Once I went to college I came to the conclusion that three years was the maximum of my friendships because I noticed at that time I started being uncomfortable with most people, even my close friends. I started making them away and drawing a distant line. After that, because I didn’t change my surroundings I started losing more and more friends, always suspicious that the ones left weren’t my true friends but they stayed maybe for pity or maybe just to make fun of me? After 8 years I finally move from where I was, I started a course with new people but I could’t made any connection. I always feel like I’m not me when I’m with most people, but now I don’t even know how to go back to who I really am, with nobody.
Hi Pamela, there is definitely a strong pattern going on here, and we’d guess it has roots in your childhood. These sorts of things CAN be helped. Relating and connecting in healthy ways that make us feel good are things we can absolutely learn, but we also have to recognise what’s going wrong first and adjust our unconscious beliefs about ourselves that mean we keep sabotaging connection. And it’s very hard to do all this by yourself. Could you see a counsellor? If you are still at school, most colleges offer free to low cost counselling.
Hi,
This is such a helpful article, and I wanted to comment. I’m not sure if this discussion thread is still active, but I’ll post anyway! I’m a woman who has struggled to connect with people since childhood, especially women, but I’ve never really understood why. I experienced some emotional and psychological trauma involving my mother and other female caregivers during childhood, and I’ve also battled anxiety and depression since about age 18. I’m easily discouraged and sensitive to signs of rejection or disapproval from others, so my fears keep me from reaching out. I rarely approach others or initiate contact, and I’m often told that I’m standoffish or unapproachable. The strange part is that, whenever I think I’m opening up and reaching out (both which are very difficult for me to do), people don’t seem to notice or respond. Apparently, my idea of vulnerability is very different from other people’s, and I constantly feel like people want or expect things from me that I don’t understand or that I can’t give. Aside from literally video recording my social interactions, I’m at a loss about what to do. I connect very well once I get past the initial getting-to-know you stage, but something is preventing me from making that initial connection. I don’t understand and could use some feedback. Thank you.
So MC, first of all, give yourself some credit for what is a really high level of self honesty and courage. Some people naturally have what called a ‘personality disorder’, where their brains simply don’t think like the brains of an average person and relating is therefore really hard. But more often, and we’d guess what is the case here from what you say, it is because our childhood teaches us how to relate (or not). We aren’t born instantly knowing how, it is something we learn. If there was no adult around to give us unconditional and consistent love and care, we can grow up with what is called ‘anxious attachment’, or other attachment disorders. And often these arise from a troubled mother relationship. It can be really hard to navigate attachement disorder ourselves. Being very oversensitive, reacting, overthinking, feeling anxious, not knowing if you are relating in the right way… all sound like attachment issues. Have you ever considered therapy over this? It can do wonders for relating issues, because therapy itself is a relationship. You and the therapist. Of course at first it will feel really weird and you probably won’t like any therapist as it’s intimate and might feel threatening, so you’d have to stick it out. There are in fact several types of therapy that focus on JUST relating skills, so you can effectively learn how to read and understand others, how to understand yourself, and how to communicate so people understand you better. See our article on therapies that help with relationships http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. One that isn’t in there is mentalisation based therapy, we have an article on it too. Best, HT.
Hi, I’m 35 and besides once when I fell deeply in love I have not been able to live or connect with anyone. I spend time with my parents but I don’t love anyone. I’m strange, awkward, needy a showoff sometimes. I feel like I’m no longer alive. I can do surface interactions quite well but I cannot go deeper than performing well. I can make people laugh and sometimes they may think I’m confident but I have no fear, shyness and I don’t really care. I wish I could love a woman but my only interest is usually sex only. I usually don’t feel anything else. I’m void of the human feeling of liking loving and caring about people. I don’t expect to find a cure. I’m working on finding things to do alone and to live a life alone. I just need to find a way to feel ok and not to want or need relationships because I don’t have the necessary feelings that create relationships.
Hi Rich, it’s a lot of assumptions here. How do you know this is true? Or are these things you tell yourself are true then work to live up to? We don’t know, as we don’t know you. Some people are different, and then you might receive a diagnosis of a personality disorder. But the fact that you are actively seeking to be different and are aware of your differences would lead us to think it’s more likely you have intimacy issues, actually really do crave rewarding relationships (or you wouldn’t be here researching and commenting) and that this is more a call for help, and that your protesting ‘I don’t really care’ is because you care a lot. To let you know therapy could really help. Therapy is itself a relationship, between you and the therapist. So would feel difficult and awkward at first .But find someone you feel you could grow to trust. We suggest you read our article on therapies that help with relating (the article talks about love, but these types of therapy help with all forms of relating) http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. Best, HT.
I’ve been seeing this man that I really like for 4 weeks and I thought I had opened up to him and showed him that I wanted an emotional connection with him but now he is saying that I don’t actually want a connection. In the past I have closed off in relationships after being hurt when the partner I was with was putting me down and not valuing me anymore. I had therapy at the time because although I went straight into another relationship, it made me feel really down about myself and I think it made a whole in my self-esteem. Today, this rejection has shattered my confidence again and I’m in my late 40’s so no man expect a woman my age to have issues like that so it really scares me that I’m going to latch on to the next man who shows me a bit of attention and not be very discerning. How can I show the man I like that I want an emotional connection more than anything, certainly as much as an sexual connection?
Hi Jules, if you are telling him you want an emotional connection, in clear, straightforward language (we are assuming you have done so), then it is a red flag that he is doubting you. It can be a sign of a controlling personality if someone tells you how you think and feel despite you clearly being honest to the contrary. Or it could be that he doesn’t want more and is manipulating the situation to put it on you instead of being honest. Four weeks is not a very long time. If you want, get to know him more. Communicate calmly and very clearly, and see if he actually listens and responds honestly in return. If a man not wanting more after 4 weeks is causing you to spiral this much, we’d say to consider another round of therapy. Dating is hard at any age, but this level of sensitivity shows there is still a need to work on your self esteem and look at rejection and abandonment issues from childhood. As for others not expecting someone in their late 40s to have issues, we all have issues. And there’s a good chance he and each man you date has their own set of equal issues. Again, sounds like a lot of esteem issues and core beliefs where you feel you are faulty and flawed. Definitely seek that support, you deserve it. Best, HT.
Hi, I dont even know where to start… I am 28, fairly friendly, can establish friendships, have had 2x 2 year long relationships, although on and off again, recently after break up. There is this huge hole in my heart. I start to socialize, but I have many negative feelings. Much jealousy, even paranoidity, that I say something not that positive and that they would mind it. Like when they share a nice story about their partnership, how they like to do this or that together, a cute moment and I feel how my emotions darken. I am jealous and also angry that they ‘rub it in my face’ how happy they are with their couple life, even though they know I recently struggle. But I always struggle. And even though I understand that maybe they just want to show off, too, but I feel defeated.
I feel lost without constant validation. If there is a good moment, I screw it, or start to have a bad mood. And even though I struggle to keep it at bay I feel it just makes things worse because than I have these more negative emotions towards others and their lives. And Im afraid people notice and dont like my company anymore. That its too heavy to be around someone so insecure and with such huge needs to be recognised and calmed. But when I try to keep these feelings for myself than I feel bad, too. So even if I talk about it, even if I keep it… its bad. And I dont want to restrain myself from my friendships and relationships every other day, because I cannot feel happy for them in the moment. It takes time, I can turn my negative emotions, I also have reasonable ones, but still.
Hi Ada, all of this would not come out of nowhere. We’re willing to bet you were parented in a way that you received love and attention only if you were ‘good’ and ‘pleasing’, for example, instead of being allowed to feel safe and loved no matter how you behaved. In summary, there is a lot of anxiety and relating issues going on here that we feel you need support on. Relating issues can be hard to change alone. Would you be willing to see a talk therapist to work on this? On a good note, relating is a skill, and we can relearn it as an adult in ways that can really change things for us. There are actually several types of therapy that focus just on relating even. You can learn about them in this article (it talks about romance, but these therapies help with all kinds of relating, not just romance) http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy Best, HT.
Hi! Thanks for the article. I’m 33 and I’ve never had a relationship and only have a couple of non-work friendships. I haven’t seen my best friend since pre-COVID and it doesn’t bother me that much. I can go days without seeing another person and it’s all normal to me. I’m going to be moving to a different city in a few months, and if it’s anything like every other time I’ve relocated, I’m probably never going to talk to the dozens of people I’ve met in this town over the last decade. While that’s sad in theory, I’m not too broken up about it if I’m honest. But I don’t like not being broken up about it. I don’t like that I haven’t seen my mom in years and that we only talk by texting each other happy birthday. I don’t like it when only two people wish me happy birthday because it just reminds me of what a crappy job I’ve done all year of being a part of everyone’s life.
I feel like I probably have the necessary skills to connect with someone on a given day if I really tried. But constantly maintaining relationships? That’s like saying go to the gym every day. You probably should do it, and there’s some real benefit to it, but it’s more chore than joy.
Hi Stephen, sounds tough and lonely. But also sounds like you know the root of your relating issues quite clearly. Good relating and connecting is a skill set. If we don’t grow up with parents who model it for us, we just don’t learn the skill. But we CAN learn it at any time. It’s never too late. We’d highly suggest you seek some support over this. Here’s an article on therapies that focus just on relating skills (the article talks about romantic relationships, but these therapies are for all kinds of relating, relating in general). http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy Best, HT.
Hi, thanks for your article on connections, I really struggle with this for many years, even with the people I should have close connections with, my husband, kids, parents, it’s like I live “one step away” from connection. It’s like a gap that I can’t seem to jump over to, sometimes I look at my family and I think that’s my daughter I should have some more feeling inside then I do and for other family members, but it’s so hard to explain, this “gap” it’s like you’re detached from “realness” to a slight degree, yet fully aware of real at the same time.
I watch tv shows ( not the best examples I know) and people around me and they seem to have intimate connection.
If someone that I like etc leaves, I switch off to them, maybe an intense moment here and there when the loss happens, but then, it’s like out of sight… So out of mind.
I want connections, I just don’t seem to know how, I feel different like I don’t belong and people are just been polite. When I view things even my own body I I know I’m “real” but it’s like I’m slightly “not” at the same time, and then every now and again since I’ve started therapy, i get what I call “real moments” when everthing sort of “lines up” if I can say it like that ( I sound insane even to myself) but at those times my hand will feel, look and be “real” almost like you’re seeing and feeling properly.
It’s so hard to explain.
I think stress makes it worse, because when bad things happen the “unreal” feel seems worse, and I feel more disconnected.
My psychologist says it’s a trauma protection response, but I want to feel connection like I see with others, but I can’t seem to get it right, I push closeness at arms length and intimacy even further. But I want it at the same time. I feel so abnormal. I know i see things differently, always alert and don’t trust easily, but I just want to have proper connections, but also want to be alone? does it ever go away. I’m fully aware of things, my psychologist says that it’s a protective thing, and I realised a few months back, which made me want to cry, that to be able to feel the good things, it opens me up to feel the bad things too, snd I cannot tolerate the bad deep stuff so I think i switch most things off and that made me really upset thinking about it. I want to be and feel normal like i observe others to be, does the disconnect ever go away?
Sorry if i sound nutty, it’s just so very hard to explain.
Hi there, so first things first, you don’t sound nutty at all. What you do sound is really hard on yourself. Like there is a constant voice in your head telling you you aren’t doing things ‘right’ or are never as good at others, even at human connection. And that critical voice can also add to the dissociation you feel. When we have a really strong inner critic we are so focused on criticising ourselves we are always watching ourselves, so not fully present. It’s wonderful to hear you are in therapy, congratulations on having the courage to start the journey. The problem is it is a journey. It takes time. In therapy we are looking at a lifetime of coping mechanisms and habits. They can’t be changed overnight. So cut yourself some slack. You might find our article on self compassion interesting (research shows it helps raise self esteem) http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. We’d also advise you talk about all this that you’ve said with your therapist. You are allowed to talk about therapy itself with your therapist, fyi. So be honest if you feel frustrated, if you feel connection is far away, and that you feel dissociated. As for all those other people who you assume apparently find connection so easy, you’d be surprised. A lot of people are not as at ease as they might seem. We find that very, very few people naturally have deeply connected healthy relationships, particularly in our world where we inundated with media promoting unhealthy ways of intimacy. Healthy relating is a skillset it takes time to learn, we need to learn to communicate, to be authentic, and to be present. But these things can all be learned, which is the good thing. A traumatic past does indeed mean we have to unlearn protective habits, and then relearn healthy relating, but it’s all doable. Finally, you might want to try mindfulness. It helps with being present as well as lowers anxiety here is our free guide http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Best, HT.
Hi
Thank you for your reply, I was surprised at your reply, I didn’t realise that part of me was so visable, but you’re correct, it’s true… My “inner critic’ is extremely horrid and harsh.
Thank you I will read the links.
Glad to be of help!
Hi,
I don’t connect with people. I try and I want to, but I feel like a fish out of water. I’m more extroverted by nature but introverted by experience. The more I try to connect the more I want to hide away and never try again. I’m 39 now and have two adult children whom I feel are the only people that I can connect to. I feel different and out of place. I don’t know how to talk to people about anything. I have a lot of abuse and neglect in my past, I can draw a line to my challenges and the experiences growing up directly but I still don’t know how to talk to people. I feel so lonely. I am skilled at what I do and I can talk to my clients from that perspective. I can express what I have learned over the years, but beyond that I don’t feel open to anyone. I feel like something else in the midst of a sea of other people. I can feel all their pain and understand them, where they come from and empathize with them but I still feel separate. I’ve been in therapy most of my life and I still cannot be myself around people because I always experience some form of rejection for being me. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi Kalysta, we are saddened to hear that you’ve been in therapy but still can’t connect. We are curious, what kind of therapy? Have you said all this, as clearly, to your therapist? What was their response? Not all therapy is right for all clients, and there are therapies that can help so this is not great to hear, that you are still unable to connect with anyone. Unless you have a personality disorder, and even then, therapies like schema therapy help you learn relating. Therapy is not a magic wand, but unless you are exaggerating when you say ‘most of you life’, this needs some troubleshooting. Best, HT.
Hi, im Samantha & I’m a little more complicated than what anything really says here.
So you say that it’s hard for someone who’s depressed to connect with others, for me it isn’t & nor do I wonder how people can make connections and I can’t
A lot of the things that’s listed here that make a connection is true where I feel more different around them than I do others in
The good parts are for me is that when I connect with someone, I really just think in the moment, not the past or the future
With someone I connect with, I’ve never tried to be like everyone else in the normal world
It’s really funny when someone I connect with with comes around me, I always feel good inside where my whole face gets red because I can’t stop smiling & it’s hard to hold it in
& and empathy & kindness for the other, well my love is quite strong
& as far as laughing about someone else to whoever I connected with, I don’t care to laugh or judge anyone else because I just wanna know about who I connect with
What I don’t do or experience, however you wanna put it
I remember I used to in school feel like I had to be interesting, funny or smart but that’s because you’re in a world of bullying and kids feel that the key to not get bullied, they have to try and find a way to fit in but once I was around 15 that all ended and I gave up trying to be smart at a normal academic level like most people my age are and I didn’t care
Bad news with that is is that everyone then thought I was just stupid, pathetic and weird
Good is is the one I connected with has never made me feel stupid or that I had to be interesting or funny
This was something who is very special to me, they thought the opposite of what everyone else thought of me & though they did know I have depression and anxiety & they always try to be there because they know it’s not gonna last and they hear every word I say to them as I love every word they say to say to me
The ones I connect with are very much quite aware that I’m shy
I think there’s a certain level of shyness in all the ones I connected with, like none of them are like loud and that outspoken but that’s never prevented me to connect with them
& I do NOT connect with family & nor do I have any friends, their (well it’s a long story, a story that prevents me from certain things)& as far as strangers go, I have connected to a ton like mostly in stores that are all younger and older than me but when it comes to age and that stupid sort of stuff, if I connect with them then who cares but those connections normally don’t last
But even though I have depression,
low-esteem & anxiety the ones I connect with see past all that
With them when I talk about childhood trauma, they always stay and never judge me
So while I have the positives but also having negatives, the negatives have never really held me back & it’s like they take all the depression I was feeling before away
But there is ONE question I have is that, is possible for a connection to only go one way? How do I know it’s not just me loving them?
Is there such thing as you being connected to someone who isn’t connected to you?
Because if not, then how is it that I’m only connected to them and their connected to me? I don’t if that’s possible or not, or maybe it’s cause their scared or something, I don’t know but that’s what it feels like with one of them by
I don’t know if any of this will make sense but I tried to explain it as best as possible
Is it possible to feel connected to someone who may not be connected to you?
Is it possible to connect to someone who’s depressed?
I’ve had depression for years now and I have connected to a few people actually
Would you connect to someone you have something in common with, or how does a connection with someone work
Can a connection only go one way?
Hi SD. Connection is not an exact science. But yes it’s possible to feel connected to someone who isn’t connected to you, or to someone’s who depressed, or for a connection to be felt one way. There are some people, for example, who feel connected to everyone. If you look at things like Buddhism, or Jungian psychology, the idea is that as humans we are all connected, as we all share so many traits, even if we don’t want to believe it. Some people are naturally less judgemental and more empathetic and can more easily feel connected. Best, HT.
Hi Sam, we also responded to your other comment but to go a bit deeper here. What we are sensing is that feel connected to all others, as you have high empathy. And yet you have no friends and are very lonely. The thing is that feeling connected and being able to relate well are two very different things. For example, sometimes those who are highly empathic and connect well don’t realise how they come across, are too intense when relating, share too much too fast or ask questions that are too intimate, and overwhelm others. This is just one example. It could be the opposite, for example, you could feel totally connected but not come across as interested in others, and yet think that you do. You see relating is a skill set, some of us need to learn it, and then we can use our ability to connect to form lasting relationships instead of short intense moments but that’s it. So what we’d suggest is that you work on relating skills with a therapist. If you are diagnosed with anxiety and depression would you already be working with a therapist or counsellor? Have you discussed this situation yet? Best, HT.
Hi I have been questioning everything lately. I have been going through a pretty rough time recently. This all started a bit before when I graduated from high school. My bestfriend from the 4th grade moved to another state, and this was also right when the pandemic started. I had another close friend, she was narcissistic and didnt consider my feelings whatsoever. She would constantly criticize me and make me feel stupid or ugly. I was friends with her for a couple of years as well. At this point I have cut connections off with her and feel completely alone And unable to connect with new people. It’s like my world has been turned upside down. I am feeling very depressed and want badly to feel like I matter again. When I do try to connect with people, I am filled with anxiety and worry that they won’t like me ( because I’m not funny or interesting enough ), but it’s just because my mind is filled with anxious thoughts about them liking me, that I am not even able to be truly myself. I have convinced myself that I’m weird and going to be alone forever 🙁
Hi Rachel. You say you graduated from high school. Are you currently registered at college? If so, check to see if your school offers free or low cost counselling. There is a lot going on here, a lot of low self-esteem and anxiety and also not feeling victimised and not knowing how to connect with others. You aren’t weird and won’t be alone forever, but you are suffering a lot of issues you could use support on. If not, could you afford counselling or ask your parents to help? Or, if you are in the UK, talk to your GP, who can recommend you for free counselling. Relating and connecting is a skill and sometimes we need help learning it. But because it is a skill, and not some magic thing some are born with and others aren’t, it is learnable. But to connect to others first it’s helpful to be connected to ourselves. To like ourselves and our own company, to know what we like or don’t like. We get the sense this is all difficult for you, and therapy would help wit that. Best, HT.
Hi, i have so many friends but it seems none of them likes me. I always text/call them first, i visit them all the time, i help them in any way that i can. But lately no one seems interested in talking me. I always blame myself and be the bigger person all the time. I barely know myself nowadays. I don’t even know how to say hi to people anymore. My emotions are messed up that even if i smile, they don’t feel real. I live with my family but none of them talks to me unless i talk to them. I am now convinced that i no longer exist. I go to class and can’t even talk to my own classmates. I make a friend today and the next moment he/she feels like a stranger to me. I just realised i’ve been chasing people to like me and all most of them do is take advantage of me. I am just 21 but soo lost.
Hi Augustus. So what we sense here is that you have a low sense of self, and the identity you do have is based on pleasing and being approved by others. This is quite common, it tends to comes from a childhood where we had to be what our parents wanted to receive the love and attention we needed to thrive. Good parenting means a child is loved and supported regardless, even when they are ‘bad’ or ‘different’. This way the child learns to trust who they are. Otherwise, they end up so caught up in being what others want they don’t really know who they are. They end up an adult who manipulates others for attention and then gets angry if that attention doesn’t come. Here’s the thing. If you don’t really know who you are, if you are just always trying to please others, it can actually be difficult for others to relate to you as they can’t quite sense who they are talking to. Believe it or not most people don’t want a perfect, always nice, pleasing friend. they want someone who is authentic, who has their own opinion, who they can count on to be themselves. Friendship is about being ourselves, and then finding others who accept us for that, even as we accept them for being themselves. So if you don’t know how to be yourself? Well you can see how that creates problems. It means you end up with many ‘friends’ but very few proper connections and little honest communication (note you are angry but say nothing). So what we’d suggest is that you need support. We’d strongly suspect your childhood was less than ideal and there are things you need to process. A therapist can help you recognise who you really are beneath all the people pleasing. Start to heal the experiences that led to you losing sight of who you are. And help you be your real self, flaws and all, and develop relationships that honour that. Best, HT.
Hi Harley,
I would start off by saying I have a very close knit of friends that I love being around. They have seen my highs, and they have definitely seen my lows, and the same goes for myself seeing theirs.
The reason I am writing is that I often feel that times of connection and empathy is one sided if there is one at all. I feel that I try to connect with others by being there for them and opening up to them, but I just do not feel any from them at all. I try to empathize to the best of my ability, but I feel it either gets misconstrued or just goes over their head. I feel that maybe my words are just not efficient enough, or maybe I am saying the wrong things, or maybe I am just not understanding them at all. I don’t know what to do, and I feel like there’s something wrong with me because of it (Obviously I’m in therapy).
I know I am a rescuer and a fixer, so I tend to try to their problems if I can by giving a lot solicited and unsolicited advice. I know I cannot fix everyone’s problems, but I just feel so horribly when I can’t or when I feel like I made them feel more isolated. I know I have a compulsion to have people like me and to get all of my validation externally, especially through positive attention and affection, but is it really me/my mindset that’s the problem?
Hi there Robert, we can’t say, we don’t know you, and it would be wrong of us to give you any sort of feedback based on one comment. These are all the things you want to discuss with your therapist. Here’s the thing, if you haven’t, then it might be that your obsession with pleasing has been bought to the therapy room. This happens. Which just means it will be all the more powerful when you learn to be totally authentic and open with the therapist you are with. The point of therapy is not to have your therapist like you, or to win their approval, it’s to be totally open about all things you are struggling with. That is what you are paying for. If you feel uncomfortable bringing some things to the therapy room, that lead with that. Just admit that. “I have realised I hold back and there are things I don’t say.” And see where that leads. We have an article on advice you might want to read, use the search bar to find it. What we’d say re ‘is it really me’ is that relationships are 50/50. It’s not possible that one person is 100% of anything. So it might be part that you have anxious attachment, part that you unconsciously choosing aloof people to live out this pattern, which will in all likelihood be reflecting the relating you had with a parent/s. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
Hi Harley,
During my childhood days, I had a bubbly and outgoing personality even as far as I can remember I am an extrovert. Getting to the adolescence stage then I began to withdraw from friends and I liked my company better sometimes and other times I want to be the centre of attention. I thought maybe it’s the puberty stage but I am just getting worse day by day and please it’s definitely not mood swings .It seems as if I have mixed personality wanting to relate with people sometimes and just getting tired of them the next.My relationship with family and friends have really suffered because of this.Now I am all alone and feeling terrible about myself as to why I am not normal.
I will be expecting your reply pls, thanks.
Hi Mariam, we can’t tell anyone much based on a comment, we’d highly advise you do several sessions with a counsellor to explore this. We’d just say that wanting to relate to people at some points then being tired of them next is normal, though. The idea that an ‘extrovert’ wants to be around people all the time, that’s not really what extroversion is. Extroversion/introversion are about how you see the world. An introvert makes decisions by going inward, an extrovert by looking outward. Some introverts for example, are out all the time at parties, watching others and then comparing this to themselves, how they feel. You can use our search bar to find our articles on extroversion/introversion. The other reason as children we are more carefree is because, well, we are children. we don’t have responsibilities. We don’t have to make big decisions, make a living, face our mortality, provide for ourselves. It’s normal to not be like a child when you are an adult. It’s also normal to have more struggle with relationships. As a child you do what the adults around you want. As an adolescent you start to see what YOU want. As an adult you have to make choices to be who you are, not who your family is. If within you is a different truth or set of values, that is the real you, but you are struggling to still please your family, this can cause tension within and make you feel edgy, uncomfortable, unhappy. Again, we can’t say what it is, we don’t know you, we don’t diagnose over comments, we would highly advise you speak to a professional. But based on this comment we’d say you are growing up and facing the normal shifts that are part of becoming an independent adult. Best, HT.
Thank you for writing and sharing this.
Glad it was helpful!
Hello Harley,
I am having trouble making connections with people. I was scapegoated by a very large multigenerational toxic/abusive “family” unit. I had ALOT of friends and I was a star athlete so I internalized my pain and became a people pleaser. Unfortunately that’s exactly what was expected of me so nobody bothered to get to know me or care about me only what I could do for them as they tore me down. I finally grew up and met my wife and it has been a literal life saver. It was my 1st genuine relationship ever at that time I was 26. Since then I have gone no contact with my family of origin after setting boundaries that they refuse to respect. But the issue is I’m 34 now and I have no friends or family and it’s so devistating. I am very outgoing person, intelligent, down to earth, and I try to embody all the characteristics of a person of moral value, and substance. But I only seem to attract people just like my family and I refuse to except that anymore so I will remove my self happily from a toxic relationship asap. The issue is Now I don’t understand why my only choices are toxic one sided relationships or nothing at all. I know I am a good person with ALOT to offer so it hurts my self esteem at times because I feel like I am only good enough to use for energy, encouragement etc but I am not worth anyones effort to be a friend to me. I love to love and I feel like I am missing out on a major part of life experience. I have traveled to 38 states, mexico, and the Bahamas. It can’t be everyone else and the chances of going years and meeting as many people as I have I just don’t know why people will chop it up with me regularly but if I inquire past small talk it becomes one sided again. I feel like my wife and I have been marked or something because come in now not 1 person has even inquired about me on a more personal level or or tried to be involved past light topics or me just being on standby for a pic me up. Thanks I’m advance for reading
Self-diagnosis is a bad idea because all psychological diagnosis is a bad idea. Because psychological diagnoses lack construct validity. And people talk about them like they are real things. Total stupidity from a conceptual standpoint. A psychological diagnosis is nothing more than a name given to a list of complaints (symptoms).