Nobody Understands Me – Can This Ever Change?
“Nobody understands me, and I am lonely even when I am with people”.
Sound familiar? Feeling misunderstood is serious. It can lead to depression and anxiety.
Feeling understood, on the other hand, leads to wellbeing. A study on undergrads at the University of Virginia connected feeling understood to not just greater life satisfaction, but even fewer physical illness symptoms.
So why do you feel so misunderstood? And what can be done about it?
Writer Andrea Blundell explores this important issue.
5 Reasons Why You Feel So Misunderstood
**Note that in some cases, you might have a mental health disorder that means you see the world in such a different way to average, it blocks understanding both ways. This can be the case with personality disorders and autism spectrum disorder. In such cases talk therapy treatment can be required to help you understand the differences between you and others, and how to communicate in ways that those around you can hear.
1. You are afraid of intimacy.
- Find it hard to trust others?
- Worry that if you let someone close, they will inevitably abandon you?
Even if you are friendly and outgoing, a fear of intimacy could still be your root issue. Many socially adept people are intimacy phobic. Their outgoing exterior is a perfect way to hide their inner fear.
Not letting people close to you then expecting them to understand you doesn’t work. It’s like expecting someone to cook you a meal but not letting them within ten feet of the stove.
2. You fear being judged.
- Grew up with critical parents or teachers? Never felt good enough, no matter how hard you tried?
- And does that voice now run through your head still?
This can lead to being an adult who hides certain things about yourself in order to not be judged.
We do need to use our judgement about who we open up around. Not everyone is safe territory. But if you are endlessly cherry picking what bits of you to reveal to others, for fear of being judged, you aren’t giving anyone a full picture they can understand.
3. You don’t trust others.
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By: Carol Walker
Had a childhood where you couldn’t trust the adults who were supposed to take care of you?
- Suffered either physical or emotional abuse?
If you are projecting an energy of wariness, people sense you won’t trust them, and might not feel like investing in the effort to understand you if they’ll just be kept at bay. It’s like you are wearing a sign declaring “I won’t let you close” , but still expecting them to try.
4. You are codependent.
- Are you hoping that if someone else totally understands you, you will then feel better about yourself?
- Or find that in relationships and friendships you change your personality and hobbies to match the other person?
Codependency is an addiction to seeking approval and validation from others to the point you can lose sight of who you are. And if you don’t know who you are, it’s hard for anyone else to know and understand you.
5. You simply need to learn how to communicate.
- Speak in a convoluted way where you constantly contradict yourself?
- Or always say the opposite of what you actually mean to say?
Perhaps you are agreeing to things that actually you don’t really believe, out an urge to be polite and accepted (again, a codependent habit). This all results in people having the entirely wrong idea about who you really are. No wonder you feel misunderstood!
How Can I make People Understand Me if These Things Are True?
Talk therapy is highly recommended, not least as it gives you the chance to experience what it is like to be understood by another. You can also use the below tactics to start feeling more understood.
10 Techniques to Help You Feel Understood By Others
1. Learn to communicate more clearly.
By: John Hain
Start to really notice the way that you talk. Do you speak really fast? Constantly throw questions at others so they barely have time to even ask you about yourself? Are you agreeing with things you don’t like, and giving the wrong impression?
It can even help to record yourself having a conversation and listen to it later.
Also notice if you are starting your sentences with “You did/said” and “You made me feel”. This is a blame stance, which pushes the person away, creating the opposite effect of them wanting to understand you. Far better to own your feelings. “I feel this when you do or say that.”
And if you aren’t sure you are being understood – ask!
2. Change your body language.
Your body language communicates almost as much as your words. Uncross your arms when you talk to others, it shows them you want to be open. Try to relax your shoulders and smile softly to stop any natural tendency to frown.
3. Slow down and switch perspective.
When we are worked up we tend to revert to habits. This includes the habit of assuming, ‘Nobody understands me”.
If you feel the thought rising, extricate yourself from the situation and take a moment to slow down. Take a few deep breaths, perhaps even try a 2-minute mindfulness break.
Then ask yourself, was I really being misunderstood? Or am I upset about something else entirely, like that they don’t agree with me, or that I’ve had a stressful day? What might this look like from their perspective? In what ways did they show they were trying to understand me that maybe I overlooked?
4. Become a “me detective”.
By: Casey Fleser
The more you understand yourself, the more clearly you present yourself to others, the more they can understand you.
Spend time learning about yourself.
- Make lists of what you like and what you don’t like.
- Notice what things actually make you happy during a normal day versus what things you assume should make you happy.
- Start paying attention to how you really feel about things.
- Perhaps engage with the power of self-help books, or join a self development course where you can learn new techniques to getting to know yourself.
5. Trade in your victim mentality.
There can be something altogether addictive about feeling misunderstood. It can become your identity, something that can make you feel special and give you the chance to feel sorry for yourself non stop. In other words, it gives you an excuse to always be a victim.
What would happen if you decided that you are responsible for your own life, and could choose to find people who want to understand you? And wouldn’t it be worth trading in the benefits of victimhood for the benefits of being understood?
6. Learn to see what people do give you.
Being misunderstood can also be a habit to the point you don’t even notice if people are trying their best to understand you. Or perhaps they are giving you other, equally important things, even if they are not easily able to ‘get’ you.
Change your focus to what they ARE giving you. Are they a good listener? Did they donate their time to help you out? Do they always answer your calls, give you attention?
7. Embrace the power of acting ‘as if’.
If you are feeling misunderstood by someone, try asking yourself, how would I treat them if I DID feel understood? And go ahead and try to change the way you are acting. This could be being less aloof, or simply staying put instead of having a tantrum and walking away. Their behaviour might change with yours.
8. Give others understanding first.
If you aren’t offering others understanding, why would they then offer it to you? Take a good look at your listening skills.
- Are you taking in what others say without interrupting?
- Do you accept their opinions, or are you constantly offering them unasked for advice?
- Do you ask them thoughtful questions about what they said?
Or just jump in with a story all about you that relates to what they said?
9. Recognise everyone is unique.
The truth is that we all are unique, with our own way of seeing the world. It’s simply not possibly for someone to understand you entirely, or for you to understand someone else entirely. So drop the expectation.
The only person who can understand you entirely is you.
10. Work on your self-esteem.
If we want to be understood by others we need to believe that we deserve to be understood. And for that we need a sense of self-esteem.
Start noticing the good things about yourself. And when someone offers you a compliment, don’t brush it off, accept it. There are many great books on self-esteem as well, so some research can help, here.
Can a Therapist Can Help Me Feel Understood?
Therapy is all about forming a strong relationship with your therapist in a trusting environment. Sometimes all we need is the experience of what a trusting relationship is to then be brave enough to create more of that understanding for ourselves outside the therapy room.
A psychotherapist or counsellor can also really help you sort out what is true, and what is just your inner critic stopping you from being your best self.
Your therapist can also diagnose any issue that is stopping you from relating in a way that others understand, such as a personality disorder, that means you see the world in a different way than average, or being on the autism spectrum.
Harley Therapy is committed to making emotional health as important and talked about as physical health, we appreciate your help spreading the word.
Have a comment or question about “why nobody understands me?” Leave it below. We love hearing from you.
Still doesn’t help I’ve been abused and picked on since 1982 then forced to another state and abused by a family member then picked on because I was the outsider
That sounds a lot to handle. Feeling always unwanted and rejected is very hurtful and sad.Have you had any help or support? Would you consider seeking it? There are usually low cost options if you know where to look https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm
Therapy isn’t available to everyone. I’d go as far as to say it’s not available to most. It’s either too expensive or unavailable through the NHS unless you’re suicidal. I bet the majority of people reading this are gutted reading that Therapy is the help we need. We know we need therapy but we have no access to it. Why we searched online for guidance in the first place.
It’s a very fair point. The NHS is horrible for making you wait a year or more after pushing to breaking point with their ‘assessments, and of course everyone is scared to admit to suicidal thoughts for fear of being sent to hospital given the laws in the UK. And therapy can be very expensive, definitely! There are options though if you are willing to search. You can get very low cost counselling at some centres in London, with therapy trainees. We’d suggest you read our article on low cost counselling https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm. Other than that, therapy is support, and what we all need is support and connection, in whatever form we can find it. Sadly we live in a society where it is no longer naturally built in. But there are different sorts of support, from self-help books, support groups, spiritual groups, school counsellors, church groups…. what matters is that we try to find someone to understand and connect with. We hope that one day there is more support available to everyone.
While therapy can be an excellent choice for some, what if someone has tried it several times and no progress is made? Therapy, in the States, can be terrifically expensive and if someone really has a problem talking/opening up and doesn’t feel comfortable with therapy are there other choices?
Excellent article. I know someone who really really needs this, but would be insulted if I gave it to her. Your article is very compassionate. Is this kind of behavior a codependent or borderline personality type?
It’s kind of annoying to tell people therapy is the “best” solution. I just stumbled on here because I genuinely feel sonder and alone on earth. Not because I got traumatised or anything, so this is a very normal feeling to have. The article was very informative but I’m just not someone who needs therapy.
Even if I did, its more about surrounding yourself with the right people and somebody who can benefit from therapy, might look into the actual theory behind the practice if you can’t afford it, and perhaps that will enable you to heal yourself.
But, it takes much more time and discipline to do it on your own, so if you had the money to hire an expert you would save yourself some time.
It’s a very good question Sara, thank you for asking. If someone has a problem opening up and talking, then therapy actually is a good fit, as it helps them with this very important issue of communicating and connecting with others, which undoubtedly is connected to some of their issues or at least a concern making life more of a challenge. I think the issue is that there is a myth that therapy is easy and quick. It’s a serious journey. It takes time, it can be challenging, there are periods of time where it’s frustrating and you can feel like you are treading water, but then breakthroughs happen. In summary, essentially, therapy is a relationship between you and the therapist, and like all relationships there are phases. Now, if after several months you really are not feeling comfortable and like you could grow to trust the therapist, then it’s clearly not a good fit. Again, like relationships, finding a good therapist requires some effort. Sadly most people think they are ‘stuck’ with the first one they try instead of approaching it a bit more like dating, with some patience. There are also many different types of therapy nowadays, so it could be that you tried to wrong kind entirely for your issues! As for the cost, it’s true. That said, many Americans spend hundreds each month on other unnecessary expenses, from restaurants, alcohol, vacations, new clothes… it becomes a case of priority and looking with an honest eye at where you budget your money. If you really can’t afford it, look into working with a final year psychotherapy trainee, or google low cost counselling in your area, it usually exists, either in group form or counsellors who offer a sliding scale based on income. As for other choices, some people would recommend all kinds of things, from meditation to nutrition etc, but we are simply not knowledgeable enough on such stuffs to say.
Thanks, we are glad you found it helpful! Everyone is unique, it’s best to leave a diagnosis up to a professional. It could be depression, fear of intimacy, low self-esteem, BPD, social anxiety disorder, any number of things. As or telling someone this, yes, it could make them move farther away, especially if they are going through a tough time and are sensitive. You might find this article of ours helpful on this front https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/tell-friend-loved-one-need-counselling.htm
We are sorry to hear you feel very alone. It’s really hard when we feel that nobody is there for us. What makes you think that is ‘normal’? Others would argue it’s normal to feel you can reach out to others and feel connected. We’d say we don’t care about what is or isn’t normal. We care if people feel lost and alone, we are always sad to hear that we live in a world that leaves people feeling that way. And we know that therapy actually is wonderful for helping alleviate that feeling. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support,(courage we are sure you have), and you don’t have to have experienced something horrible to benefit. We don’t think it’s a question of whether or not someone ‘needs’ therapy, but just whether they feel they could use support to discover the strength and wisdom they have within. Trying to sort everything out by yourself when you are depressed or struggling is hard for the best of us. Sure, therapy can be expensive, but support groups can be low cost or even free, and there are low cost options. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/low-cost-therapy-free-counselling-services.htm
The way you blindly tote connecting with people as the last missing piece I’d sickening. Do you truly not understand that some of us have tried for years, again and again, only to be told to try the same thing. Again. Beat your head against the wall AGAIN and surely this time it will become a door. The reality is that you have no idea how people like us fe
el. Maybe you got lucky, but not everyone can.
We’re sorry you feel so alone and afraid. It can definitely feel frustrating when we want so much to be loved and understood but feel totally alone. We do believe everyone can learn to connect to others. Not that it’s easy, but that everyone and anyone can get there. And it’s been proven by scientific studies to be extremely important. It can help when trying to connect to others to not assume you know anything about the other person and their personal experience, and not immediately judge and lash out at others, but to try to be open to the fact that you can’t guess what they have been through. And then to look for the similarities between you instead of the differences.
How i can move from abusive relationship with people especially my eldery parents who are living in my country
.Poor country which i left 10 years ago
i had to come back to my native country and now i am struggling and have no chance to go back to foreigh country where i used to live.
suicidal
thanks
Hi Alma, we are sorry you are struggling so much. If you are feeling suicidal, it’s very, very important to reach out for proper help. Do you have anyone to talk to there who you can trust? Is there a hotline you can call (we don’t know where you are in the world, many countries have free mental health hotlines). If not, please do consider a therapist. Nowadays therapists work over Skype, so you can talk to someone anyone in the world. If you are very homesick for the foreign country you lived in, depending on the laws of that country you might even be able to talk to a therapist in that country (for example, UK therapists can take international clients, although sadly American ones can’t). A therapist can help you set boundaries with your parents and learn better ways to communicate with them. Outside of therapy, it can also help to see if there are expat groups in your country where you can engage with people from the foreign country you felt happier in. Hope that helps.
I agree with EM. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 5. I am now 41. I know the game. I have the same issues now as than. Why can therapy not be more like a friend. Not the friends you try to make and they abandon you. The kind you Wish you had. one that seems bored to be there asking why a way to continue with whatever else they were doing. Do you know how many times I had to explain and share the same event? That was my first clue they never listened in the first place. The first 30 minutes of my expensive hour was recapping. What a waste of time and money. I refuse to seek professional help. I would rather ask the opinions of all those who rejected me their honest opinions as to why and go at it alone. I am so messed up when it comes ro intimacy and trust. Love is for everyone except me.
We are so sorry to hear this Angie. We do understand that not all therapists are right for all clients, and not all types of therapy are right for all issues. In fact some sorts of therapy are entirely wrong or can worsen some issues. If you were ever to feel the courage to try again, as we can understand that the frustration of not feeling heard or seen must be overwhelming, we’d highly recommend Schema therapy. It takes a very different approach, with the therapist using a tool called ‘reparenting’, meaning they do not keep the aloof boundaries of some types of therapy but very much connect to the client and show warmth.
I need a counsellor because i cant talk to people i know,i have this problem and i need to sort it out sooner or never………i can really use your help please
Osas, thank you for reaching out. It’s really great that you recognise you need help. We don’t know where you are in the world, but do look into local counsellors and therapists. You should be able to google search using your address. Otherwise nowadays there are therapists who work with you over the internet no matter where you are in the world, so you can do therapy from home. We have lower cost counsellors on our Skype therapy site, for example… https://harleytherapy.com/. Thanks.
I am just 17years i have no money for payment
Hi Osas. Is there a school counsellor you could talk to? Or have you considered asking your parents to help you see a counsellor? There is an article here explaining how to do so in the best way bit.ly/talktoparents. If you are in the UK or the USA, look for mental health charities and helplines that work with teens. You can find inspiration here bit.ly/mentalhelplines. And otherwise, there are many trainee therapists who work with people for a very low cost, which a part time job such as many teen have in the USA and UK would easily cover and cost less than many teens spend on fast food, clothes, music, etc. We don’t know your country as you haven’t said, so perhaps this is not possible in your country. But this article covers how to find very low cost or free therapy bit.ly/lowcosttherapy
You talk about this issue like it’s basic. You also give basic answers. Very Irritating.
Hi Danny, we certainly don’t feel this issue is basic, nor does the article suggest that. Not feeling understood is huge. It means we are completely alienated, it leads to depression, anxiety, and worse. We are sorry you are so angry. Perhaps you feel like nobody can understand or help you? We hope if you do feel that way you consider reaching out for support. Other people are not perfect, but there are many people who do want to help and can understand. If you feel really low, call a free mental health hotline. The listeners who answer really do want to help. That is what they are they for.
Why would I want to create an intimate relationship with a therapist? That right there is weird. I have been to therapists since I was 13 and it’s like trying to decide between christianity, islam, bhuddism or judaism.
Hi James, your comment was edited as we don’t support any sort of attack on readers or otherwise. We are sorry to hear that you find connecting to others so hard. For most people forming a kind of intimacy in the therapy room is quite normal and not strange. After all, you are sharing all your thoughts and feelings. But if you already find intimacy weird, for example, if you have a personality disorder, then yes, of course, we imagine therapy would seem very odd and weird, that’s understandable. But at the same time, if you stick with it, it’s also very helpful. We wish you luck finding a therapist you can get along with and that you find beneficial.
I’m very self reliant and self sufficient so you can take your explanation of Codependency and delete it. There is time when we need to ask others for help. This may be a time for me to do that. However, I will never change my ways for someone to define my existence to them so that they can validate me. Maybe some feel the way they do is because it was difficult being vulnerable as children. I won’t where my heart on my shirt sleeve for no one. Since, most people will hold what you share against you. This includes, doctors, therapists, counselors, teachers and parents. What this post fails to explain that some people’s brain’s are hardwired differently. They have been brainwashed into thinking something is wrong with them. The truth is the world we live in is very dysfunctional.
Hi Chuck, we agree with you, it’s a terribly dysfunctional world. And it sounds like somehow it’s really let you down, and now you feel like you can’t trust anyone at all. It sounds really lonely. We truly hope you do reach out for that help, you deserve it. All the best.
This article understands me completely…..thank you!
Glad to be of help!
So how do you get to understand yourself, not just on a theoreticle level, but on experience level ? I am a person that comes from a extreme background of being abused. And I cannot get through with “my messages” in genneral , I cannot ask for help. Cause people think that I am just a nutcase. Ore they just want to see that, instead of the hardcore reality.
If you have an ego, and outer surcumstances that keep you locked in the same situations, of circling around in the same situation of people not understanding you, ore do not hearing you. How do you change your ego, your selfperception, made from history, so you get heard and understood ? My native language is not english, so if my spelling is off, thats why.
It’s very hard if we are trapped by life circumstance. But one thing we can say is, we notice that your focus is all on about what other people think. This is normal if we come from a history of abuse. We want other people to approve of us as deep down we have negative core beliefs of not being worthy or mattering. So one way to approach this is to work on listening and believing in yourself. Do YOU actually, if you are honest, think you matter? Do you actually listen to yourself, with journalling, mindfulness? Do YOU understand yourself? Because ultimately others are more likely to listen to you when you come from a strong space of self care and self understanding. Or course the irony is that once we get to that place, we suddenly don’t care what others think anymore. We are no longer angry or needing approval. Or we’ve attracted all new friends who DO understand and those people who we once wanted the attention fo no longer matter. In the end, we can only change ourselves, and what we think, we can never change another person. Finally, you say you are trapped by life circumstance. Perhaps this is true. But perhaps there are options. Question how true this is or if there is anything you are avoiding seeing. When we were once made a victim, we can then grow up into an adult who always sees with a victim lens, meaning we block out opportunity and unconsciously choose to suffer. Best, HT
Need someone who will listen to me without judging.
Hi Sarah, consider counselling. It’s a wonderful experience of being accepted, listened to, and not judged. Other than that, dig deep to recognise where you are judging yourself. Often if others are always judging us it’s as deep down we don’t think we are worth much and without realising it we gravitate to others who will reflect this back. Or with our words and actions we are unconsciously encouraging them to judge us. People tend to believe about us what we deep down believe about ourselves.
Hello I am living with my parents and sister with them constantly picking on me hitting me and treating me like an outsider sometimes I want to end it
Hi Imran, it sounds really hard. Do you have anyone to talk to? And how old are you?
As is the case with just about all articles about the topic, this one ignores the social determinants of mental health, a subject that’s become all the more important during the pandemic, and reads like an advertisement for the therapy industry. Speaking from personal experience, the trials of living with a disability in a society that doesn’t care about people who are suffering (unless, of course, they are rich and their suffering need not be substantive for them to access “help”), can only be partially remedied through therapy. I need a job, I need meaning and social connection. Many years of therapy and working on myself have yielded next to nothing.
Hi Ignatz. Understandably you are angry if years of therapy have yielded next to nothing. If therapy isn’t working and you’ve given it six months or more, it’s up to you to tell the therapist you don’t think it’s working and talk that through, then if they don’t offer a good way forward find a different type of therapy or therapist. Therapy is not a magic wand, a therapist is a person, not a miracle maker, and not all types of therapy work for all issues. If you are in the UK, you might want to look into a newer type of therapy called “Human Givens” that believes therapy is useless if it’s not first helping person be stable in their life and have necessary ‘givens’ including attention, connection, and a sense of achievement. We would like to address the idea that therapy is for rich people in case other people in need of help read this. This is a myth and an outdated one too. Therapy is for everyone. Our booking platform offers therapists for as little as 25 a session and we also have resources on here that guide people to find free or low cost counselling. Good luck. Best, HT.
It’s important to distinguish between FEELING like no-one understands you and actually BEING someone that no-one seems to understand.
There is a difference.
If you’ve struggled making friends, feel like you are very different (and therefore misunderstood) from others, have a history of being bullied and have these difficulties for most or all of your life, then it’s likely not JUST a feeling for you but a reality. And in this case, rather than wondering if you are codependent or have a ‘victim mindset’ consider if the reason why you feel no-one understands is because that is your reality and that actually, maybe, there might be a chance that you might be neurodivergent (autistic. adhd etc). Also, keep in mind that many people may be misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when instead, they may be autistic.
It’s a good point Holly, we’ve added in a bit at the end to point out that a therapist can also diagnose a personality disorder or the autism spectrum, both of which mean you see the world and yourself in a different way than average. This does make relating really hard as the thoughts and perspective that seem so natural to you are not natural to those around you, and vice versa. But this does not at all mean you can’t be understood! Some of the tools in the article can still help, but it’s most advisable to work with a therapist specialising in autism and/or personality disorders who can help you learn specific relating tools that help. They’ll help you learn to communicate your wants and needs in ways that mean others can understand you, and how to read other people better so you can understand them. Best HT