Involuntary Childlessness and Depression – Is it Time to Talk?
By: jenny downing
Not having children due to a pointed choice is one thing.
Not having children because it didn’t work out for you is quite another. The depression this can cause can often remain hidden and untreated.
And it’s far from just a women’s issue. In a study at the UK’s Keele University it was found that 38% of men in a study group had experienced depression due to not having children, compared to 27% of the women.
Why is depression from childlessness so often downplayed? What are the signs you should look for if you are childless and worried about your mental health? And what are steps you can take if you feel you might have ‘childlessness depression’?
Why aren’t we talking about childlessness and depression?
It’s a tricky issue. On one hand, if you are childless after many private battles with both your body and your hopes, you might not want the world to know how upset you are.
Or you might have spent so much time hiding what you are going through – the fertility tests, the alternative treatments, the IVF, the praying and pleading to whatever gods that be – that it’s become a bad habit. Now that you need support, you don’t know how to start talking.
On the other hand are those who love you and want support you but who might have children, feel guilty, and just not know how to approach you.
An overlooked issue that can increase depression for one or both partners is if you have different methods of coping and getting over things. This can cause conflict and communication breakdown that means you are together but lonely.
And finally, there are many single people who have spent so long hiding their desire to have children from others — so as not to appear desperate, or worry others, or perhaps out of fear of facing their own panic over the issue — – that when they are face-to-face with a future without children they blame themselves. They continue to suffer in silence. This sort of hidden shame can often turn into the numb, ‘onward ho’ experience referred to as ‘walking depression‘.
Why childlessness causes depression
Yes, it might seem logical to ‘count your blessings’ or ‘consider adoption’, but depression isn’t logic. And such advice from friends and family can make you feel even worse.
So can trying to suppress or deny all the feelings that are leaving you depressed.
Recognising your childlessness depression and what it is made up of, if you’ve spent months or years trying to deny or downplay it, can actually feel a huge relief. It’s only when we face how we feel that we can start to work through it.
The following can all be the components of depression due to childlessness:
Loneliness. Even if you are still with a partner you can have a sense of a void now between you. You might also feel unable to connect with the friends and family you used to be close to if they have children.
Hopelessness. If you always saw your future as with children, or weren’t sure but now realise it’s what you wanted, you can feel like there is nothing waiting ahead for you. A sort of existential crisis can descend.
Low self-esteem. This is a leading cause of depression. Not having children might make you feel faulty, as if you weren’t ‘good enough’ to find the right partner or attract the good ‘luck’ required. Again, depression is not logic.
Shame. Really the biggest of emotions and an umbrella that hides many of the others, not having children can leave us feeling unwanted, flawed, overlooked… riddled with shame.
Feelings of failure. Even if we logically know we can’t control our bodies, and we did everything we possibly could try, we can feel somehow that we failed. Failure can be especially high if childlessness is because of not attracting an appropriate partner in time.
Bitterness. A truly alienating feeling we all tend to hide, bitterness can leave you unable to connect to others.
By: Benedic Belen
Negative thinking. All the above all leads to spirals of negative thinking, which lead us to take negative actions that lead to more negative thinking, and the spiral towards depression continues.
Interested in the signs of depression? See our comprehensive and free Guide to Depression.
Not sure if you are or aren’t depressed? We also have a great free stressed or depressed quiz you can take.
What should I do if I am suffering childlessness depression?
Again, the first step is facing that this is the issue, and reading this article is likely a sign you are on this path.
The second step is to then allow yourself to process and explore your feelings. You might want to start this alone, with things like journalling, research, and talking on online forums.
CHARITIES AND ORGANISATIONS THAT HELP
There is now a charity here in the UK that focus on the issue of childlessness and fertility issues. The fertility network UK offers free resources and a support hotline for those struggling with fertility issues or childlessness. They also connect you with free support groups across the UK.
For women who are childless by circumstance, “Gateway Women” is an invaluable resource. Launched by a women who became an activist for getting childless women talking after sharing her own story in a book, it provides truly useful information on its site. Gateway Women support groups are now found worldwide, and the weekend workshops sell out.
When it’s time to seek professional help
If your feelings of depression have gone on for six weeks or more, or is negatively affecting your day-to-day life, it’s important to seek support.
Working with an impartial and caring counsellor or therapist where you can truly admit your feelings without judgement can be a huge relief. And having support in finding your way forward can mean you can make changes far faster than going it alone.
What sorts of therapy can help with childlessness and depression?
There are many styles that could help. Person-centred counselling is client-led and could be a good choice. You can choose to just talk about recent experiences, or go into the past, it’s up to you.
If you find that your negative thoughts about yourself and life are what you’d like to look at, and you want to deal more with what you feel right now then go into your past, consider cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). It is a short-term talk therapy designed to help you catch, challenge, and change your thoughts.
If you feel that not having children has made you question the meaning of life, you might want to consider existential counselling. The focus here is on helping you make sense out of your experiences, and then to re-design life in a way that makes sense to you personally.
How can you help someone who is suffering from depression due to childlessness?
- don’t tell them to think positive or ‘snap out of it’
- don’t give them helpful suggestions like adopting, fostering, seeing a faith healer, etc
- don’t judge them for it
- don’t tell them they need help but you won’t help them.
Instead, do you best to listen without judgement, ask good questions instead of offer advice, and offer support (take them out, let them call you when they feel alone). If you worry they do need professional support, let them know in a positive, kind way. Read our article on “how to tell a loved one they need counselling” for advice on how to do this.
Would you like to talk to someone about childlessness depression? Harley Therapy connects you with with warm, understanding therapists in central London as well as worldwide via online counselling.
Do you have a question about childlessness and depression? Would you like to share your experience with our readers? Use the public comment box below.
I read with interest the article from 21st September 2016 regarding depression and childlessness. As a 50 year old childless woman I related to all the feelings and emotions mentioned.
I suffer from depression and have done so since childhood although I wasn’t diagnosed until many years later.
I’ve always had very strong maternal feelings and when I got married in my early twenties I wanted four children but one would have been a gift.
Like many others, I tried month after month and year after year for ten years to have my much longed for baby. I also suffered from a premenstrual condition that made me very ill for a week to ten days every month so this added to the difficulties of dealing with the fertility issue.
After about the eight years of trying unsuccessfully to have my baby I was in a very bad state mentally. Every month during those eight years when my period started was almost to me like experiencing a death and continually going through a grieving process. I couldn’t cope any more and back then there wasn’t any help or support. The continuous monthly premenstrual condition I was suffering and the breaking down of my marriage was all too much and I tried to take my own life. It was then I was diagnosed with depression. A couple of years after my marriage ended..my husband could’t cope with it all and he had an affair. He had never been bothered about us not having a child so he was never supportive or understanding with me.
Fifteen years ago when I was married to my second husband, I had a full hysterectomy which was the only option I had to end the debilitating premenstrual condition but obviously it also ended my chance of having a baby. It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make!
Since then I have continued to suffer from depression and have wanted to end my life on several occasions. Issues concerning the relationship with my parents/family, the break up of my second marriage, suffering from a chronic back condition (degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis and spinal stenosis) which I had spinal surgery many years ago and for the last two and a half years has caused me to suffer bad to serious pain on a daily basis and have not been able to work in that time. All these issues and living a very unsettled insecure life have all been factors that have caused my depression to continue.
However the most significant part of my depression up to this day comes from being involuntarily childless. I have no focus/meaning or depth to my life. Nothing seems worthwhile without having children and daily I am reminded of this. I feel empty and lonely with what feels like a great big gaping hole in my soul that has never been filled even though I have tried everything I can to fill it..i.e. living in Spain for ten years, working hard and trying to focus on new interests etc. My life has been a continuous succession of battles even though I try so hard at everything I do and want to achieve.
Don’t get me wrong I am really not a miserable old cow as this email has probably portrayed me to be. The times when I don’t suffer from the bouts of depression I am a most positive forward thinking and fun person, having previously for many years enjoyed success in a sales and marketing career. My friends and family say how strong I am because I always ‘bounce back’ after all the set backs and bouts of depression I have experienced and I am always the one people come to with their problems and worries. I have a very pragmatic approach to my depression and view it as only part of me and not who I am. Over the years I have tried many self help approaches and even have a qualification in psychology and counselling
I am on a cocktail of drugs including two types of anti depressants and a mood stabiliser along with daily painkilling medication and HRT. I have recently been accepted for a course of counselling sessions through the NHS because my mental health has been very unstable for the last three months now which is not uncommon for me before, during and after the Christmas period when something switches in me and the depression begins again which like now is very bad.
I do believe there are many childless people who suffer in silence with depression especially my generation and older because we were brought up with the stigma about depression and mental illness and it was very rarely talked about even within a family unit. There wasn’t support groups or help and many GP’s were unsympathetic towards depression and mental health.
I have a Facebook page called Butterflies which is for people to contact me regarding childlessness however I haven’t had much success with it which is probably more to do with my lack of social media skills than lack of interest.
When I am finally in a more comfortable state with my back I am going to set up ‘face to face’ support for local people who need help/support coping with either infertility issues or coping with childlessness. I also think that by giving other people support it will help me with my own battle by giving me a purpose and a meaning to my life.
I hope I haven’t bored you with my email and in a way it maybe it will be cathartic for me to have wrote it. Whoever may read it I thank you for your time.
Kind regards,
Wendy
Thank you for sharing Wendy. That’s certainly an awful lot to deal with by yourself, and we are really glad to hear you’ll be getting some NHS counselling and that you have the courage to reach out when you need it. As you say, depression isn’t who you are. It’s an illness you battle with, not you. We wish you all the best with your projects, and do look into the sites the article mentions, you might find them very useful.
Every September when I see countless photos of children returning to school, I feel engulfed in sadness for the children I was unable to have. I married late, tried to fall pregnant naturally for a few years, three rounds of IVF, swiftly followed by breast cancer. This Summer was my final chance, but sadly again unsuccessful. So grateful to find this blog today & know that I am not alone.
Katherine this sounds really really hard. So much effort only to then suffer through breast cancer, give yourself some credit for your courage and perseverance and strength. You are so not alone on the pain of involuntary childlessness. The hardest part about is it that the people we usually turn to can not ‘get’ it, no matter how hard they try, so we feel even more lost and alone in our grief. Do access the resources we talk about, connecting with others who do get it can feel a great release.
I am Chidfree not of my choice. Learning to be a mature happy positive adult. I have a hard time dating and finding a guy to want to adopt in the future. I also jave a jard time in the workforce trying to earn a salary to eventually adopt. When I had my Hysterectomy in april 2017 i really decided not to get down over this and become even more Faithful and obident towards Human Life. I help non profit agencies and continue to hope for better days for all. The negative vail has lifted and.ray of sunshine. Nothing more makes.me happybto see a child smile at me and his or her parent sharing the moment with me. I do love children and know that God still has aplan for me. My script is far from over.
Thank you for sharing Jennifer. We appreciate your optimism, it’s beautiful. But it’s okay to be sad and angry, too. Do make use of the resources in this article if you feel some connection with other women going through the same might help!
My name is Scott and I am now 52 and childless not because of medical issue but because I couldn’t find a woman willing to have them with me. I have felt every emotion described. My biggest issue is that most people don’t understand that being able to have kids and never being given the chance hurts just as much as not being able to have kids due to medical reasons.
Hi Scott, we are sorry to hear this. And you raise a valid point, that men suffer from involuntary childlessness as well. We don’t know of any sites off the top of our heads geared for men who are going through it, but it’s worth doing a google for. Other interesting things are coparenting sites. There are several nowadays, such as pollentree, etc. We appreciate it’s not for everyone, but we have read success stories of people who met through such sites and have enjoyed raising kids together in this non traditional format. Finally, if it’s really getting you down, don’t overlook talking to a therapist. Involuntary childlessness can be a real hit to self-esteem and counselling does actually help. We wish you courage!
Hi, I am Candace. 44, married 4 years, and childless. Not by choice. I was raped at 7. My female organs were “rearranged”. I started my cycle soon after that and every month was in excruciating pain. After year after agonizing year, I had to have a hysterectomy in the fall of 2017. I cannot help but to think and feel overwhelmed by hurt and sadness everyday. Therapy has not helped. Medication has not helped. I am at the end of my rope.
Candace, it all sounds really hard. But what sounds the hardest is to have gotten all the way to 44 without ever feeling good and in your personal power. It also sounds tremendously lonely. Loneliness feeds our feeling of being a victim and powerless. Have you talked to other women with similar experiences? You’d be surprised to find you are not as alone as you feel. And we can say that with confidence as we hear from a lot of women with abusive pasts. If you don’t want to try medication or therapy, then we would suggest following tips in the article to encounter other women who truly understand. Finally, we are sad to hear therapy didn’t help. Therapy is at heart a relationship. People with abusive pasts don’t trust anyone, and of course therapy can be a big ask at first. Trust a stranger? Really?? So you need to find the right therapist and right form of therapy and give it a lot of time. You might want to look into schema therapy. It focuses especially on developing trust between therapist/ client.
Hi My name is Paul and I’m 23 years old, I know this may be odd because I’m definitely young but I’ve been longing for a family since I was little. I don’t think I’ll be able to raise a family or get married in the near future because of mental health inadequacy. I was evaluated for PDD nos at age 13 and it was met not in criteria. I was diagnosed with depression on January and I can tell you the meds help me a lot.
Hi Paul, yes, that is vey young to be worried about this now. Developmental disorders don’t mean you can’t have children. It sounds like you have some anxiety about this, can you speak to your counsellor about it? We do hope you have one and you haven’t just been put on medication without therapy. Medication masks symptoms but to learn social skills and raise your self esteem therapy is highly recommended.
I’m happy to read this article this morning and feel a little bit less alone. I’m 61 now. My story is complex. I always wanted children but somehow managed to attract all the wrong kind of men – and it was always a family I wanted, never wanted to be a single mother.
My self esteem is definitely low. I feel like a failure – and truly I did fail to bring my biggest dream into reality.
As I’ve gotten older, I find the greatest healing for me comes not from others but from creativity and from nature.
Those things keep me happy to be alive.
People do judge you for being single and having no children – that is just how it is. And that’s why this pain is not easily shared.
I find it’s easier when I face the reality, and then I know how to help myself.
Paint! Write! Love the natural world! I express my emotions however I can and hope to reach others like me so we can all feel less alone.
It’s a harsh world out there. There are lots of unrecognised invalidated people living with different types of socially unacceptable pain. Whenever I see a homeless person I wonder about that – what’s the story here.
Nothing is fair. Once I accepted that I felt better because it’s not like I’ve been picked out for unfair treatment, it’s just the law of the jungle.
Happy to live more on the outskirts of the jungle now…big hugs to everyone else with this pain
What a BEAUTIFUL share Jo, THANK YOU. We’re sure it will touch many other readers.
I am 30 years old and I have wanted to have kids since I was 15. All my friends are getting pregnant (some repeatedly) and it makes me feel so alone and distant from all of them. I have been married for almost 3years and I feel all those components of childlessness depression you described in the article. I want to stop envying all pregnant women and not feel like each children’s smile is killing me (even though i continue volunteering for adopted children). I want to come to peace with me not having a baby at this point… What can I do?
Hi Kirsti, we aren’t quite sure what info we are missing here. Is there a reason that you haven’t had children, a medical issue? As 30 is very young otherwise. If you are attempting to fall pregnant naturally and it hasn’t happened yet, then you’d want to seek fertility advice, there is a lot out there. As for the psychological side, we’d say, what is that you expect a baby to give you exactly? As it seems you are basing all your happiness on a child which does throw up a red flag. Things like self esteem, identity, a sense of worth and belonging… these things have to come from within. Expecting a child to give you all this not only leads to disappointment but puts a psychological burden on that child he or she doesn’t deserve.
I am 40 year old single woman and single. I have always wanted children, but could not think of marrying someone just because of children. I feel like my fertility is coming to an end and I am feeling literally in “walking depression” as your article mentioned. No other words can describe how deep the pain truly is. I often wonder why I am like a “freak” and it is really tormenting anxiously hiding behind a brave but false front to friends and family. This mental and emotional stress has caused me so many autoimmune illnesses and sleepless nights.
Hi Sandy, if you are feeling better about it we’d highly recommend, if you can afford it or your work insurance covers a few sessions, talking to someone about it. Find a counsellor in your area who specialises in talking about such issues. Also reach out to the groups we suggest in the article, it can feel a relief just to be in contact with other women who ‘get it’. Good luck.
I’m 43 and a half. After a few medium term relationships, the one which ended when I was 39 brought on grief for the child I never had with them by choice (our relationship wasn’t working for a while). Now and despite being in the best relationship I’ve had over the last two and a half years and one in which we have tried to conceive naturally for about a year and a half, I’m feeling panicked by the reality of having left it too late to have a baby. I also feel annoyed at myself and ashamed that it took me so long to address and work with a Counsellor through traumatic issues from childhood which made me self sabotage a good relationship in my 20s and avoid wanting to get pregnant for fear of being a terrible parent or having a child with “a less than perfect partner” (I realise now we’re all imperfect, and that’s fine!)
My closest childhood friends all have children and since they have I have felt sidelined from them as understandably they want to share with each other their parenting experiences and support.
I know we’re all on our own paths in life and must accept things beyond our control and work through them with support, but that doesn’t take away the overwhelming sense of loss for a child I now realise I would have been a caring, supportive and loving mother towards.
Naomi, it’s perfectly understandable to feel a lot of grief and upset. Yes, we are all on our own path, but it’s also okay to feel rage and sadness. It also sounds like you are grieving different versions of yourself. On the other hand, sounds like you’ve gained some serious wisdom here. We don’t know what to say about ‘left it so late’ as it depends on the person and your own biology. The only way to know is to test hormone levels and do an ultrasound etc, to have proof of what is going on and a medical opinion. We assume you have already done that, but if you haven’t (and we don’t say this to be condescending, but more as you mention trauma issues, and we see patterns of sabotage and avoidance in a lot of trauma clients) then that’s something to consider. Best, Harley Therapy.
I am 35 years old and have been married for over 7 years. I have wanted children since I can remember. My husband was always aloof on the topic during dating but always spoke as if he wanted children and knew it was something I required.
We put off trying for several years because I was pursuing my Masters degree and we wanted to be stable financially. Finally the time came and we began trying. My husband is 15 years my senior and at the time I was in my early 30’s knowing time was a factor.
We were unsuccessful for over a year but were not trying real hard… just hoping that it would happen naturally with proper timing. When I finally made an appointment at 34 to check things out, I was afraid that perhaps I was infertile. I went to the appointment by myself and was told everything looked good and that my husband should get checked out. When I shared this info with him that night we got into a huge fight. I told him that I couldn’t wait and hope any longer and after soul searching he told me having a child was something he just couldn’t handle. He grew up in an extremely abusive household and still has a lot of issues that stem from that.
I was devastated! He told me that he understood if I wanted to divorce him and find someone who could have children.
How do you throw away a good marriage for such a reason…? He had tried wanting it FOR me.
It has been almost two years since this revelation and I struggle with all of the depression mentioned in this article as well as some deep resentment for my husband. I try to deal with it rather than bury it, however I am unable to talk to my husband about any of it. I am lost, feel alone, and scared to death that my window is closing.
I am not sure if there are others out there who are involuntarily childless for the same reasons…. Its not that we can’t…. I made this choice…. Right?
I would be a great mother. I have books, resources, a childs library, family bible studies, etc. That I have been saving for my own child since my teens. I love and hate other women who have been blessed with babies. I struggle at my job dealing with abusive parents and those who don’t put their child first…. Why do they get to have kids and I don’t?
Hi Robyn, very tough. And actually a common reason partners do indeed split. Would you two consider hashing this out with a couples counsellor? As this sort of silence without real resolution is toxic. If you can’t talk about it with each other, a good couples counsellor would create a very safe space and give you the tools to do so.
I am married 6 years ago and ttc since 4 years…so far no luck as i have pcod with severe irregularities in menstrual cycle… some times i use to bleed 3 months continuously..i lost hope in medicine and started my own research with diet & life style changes .. now my periods are almost regular … some relief with that but still struggling to be a Mom …lost interest in everything due to hidden depression which was not known to my family members as well…i’m 33 and husband is 37 .. worried about age too…wish i should come out this depression soon
Sara, sounds like you are very stressed, plus you say you are depressed. Don’t think that these issues aren’t more than enough to seek proper support with in the form of some counselling or therapy, they definitely are. 33 is still young, there is still time, but being very stressed won’t help, and sounds like you don’t feel supported by those around you, so do consider it. Best, HT
It’s a horrible feeling, every day goes by and you know you’ve wasted years of your life trying to make other people happy, all the while being told there’s no point being married or having kids, when the people that told me that for years all were or are married and have kids.
I even managed to help a friend who never really had a proper relationship to date someone I knew that he got on with, they are now married and have a kid. Can you imagine the feeling when me and my partner, who had just suffered a miscarriage, then found out they were expecting. Against all odds the pregnancy progressed as they had a lot of medical issues and weight problems.
I spent years as a really shy guy, always being asked why I wasn’t married and had no kids. To be honest I was in my 20s and not too bothered at the time. But now it’s too late, I was trying everything to settle down in my late 30s/early 40s to no avail.
Seemed like I was set out to fail from day one. It’s really painful now watching school friends becoming grandparents, when I’ve no hope of ever becoming a parent. In high school instead of teaching kids to avoid pregnancy they should teach them to start early so they don’t suffer this and miss out when they are older.
Hi Andrew, sounds like you are in mourning. When we are in mourning we can feel really angry. Our mind can then get trapped in cognitive distortions, like black and white thinking and assumptions and block us from seeing the other possibilities or perspectives. Give yourself time to work all this out, and if you can’t seem to get out of this fury, then do consider reaching out for some counselling. We think in time you’ll realise things aren’t as cut and dried as they feel right now. Best, HT.
This article really hits home for me. I’m a 45 year old man and have been married to the same woman (also 45) for almost 12 years, now. She has a child from her previous marriage, but we have been unable to have any together, although we did go through a miscarriage 9 1/2 years ago. She had had a myriad of health problems, and conceiving a child has been far down the list. I don’t blame her, but I feel even more alone because she has a son, so she’ll never know what it’s like to be completely childless. It’s something I will always have to live with and it makes me feel like my life has no meaning and that I have nothing to look forward to. I’m very bitter and depressed.
Hi Mark, have you openly, clearly, and without blame discussed this with her? It’s not a great thing to have hanging between you and we’d imagine if she knew you felt this upset about it there might be a way you could find a solution together or at the very least resolution. If you find it difficult to talk, don’t overlook a couples counsellor. They don’t tell you what to do or think, they just help you both communicate in productive ways and find solutions that work for you. Best, HT.
Dear Harley,
I’m 56, married to my 2nd husband, but with no children. I always expected to have a family and tried ICSI with my first husband (late-aged 37),but sadly to no avail. 6 weeks before marrying my 2nd husband (age 49- stupidly late but healthy, hormonal and hopeful) I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Chemotherapy pushed me through the menopause and here I am STILL struggling with being childless. My concern is….does therapy really help…or will it make me more depressed if I focus on the problem rather than try to carry on regardless as I’ve been trying for the last 7 years?
Hi there Liz. Therapy isn’t a magic wand. It requires a lot of effort and commitment and can be hard work. But generally, yes, it is worth it. And generally we go for one issue convinced it’s the only thing upsetting us and instead find out we are far more complicated. And when we unpick our grief/upset/sadness, we can find other strands. So if you did go to therapy, the benefit might be even bigger than you think as more might be affected than just this one issue. But again, it would require time and commitment to see results. We’d also say with this issue in particular there can be no safe space to really let go about it in daily life, to let go of the anger and say all you really want to say without fear of being judged or upsetting others. Therapy creates that safe space. Best, HT.