“Why Do I Feel Guilty All the Time?”
Guilt, according to evolutionary psychology, was the brain’s way of making sure we didn’t veer into behaviour that would leave us ostracised from the tribe.
And even nowadays a little guilt is a good thing – not having any is a sign of sociopathy or narcissistic personality disorder.
But what if you feel guilt all the time? This sort of ‘guilt complex’ (more correctly referred to as ‘false guilt’) ‘happens when we feel at blame even when we aren’t sure we did anything wrong. It looks like:
- constantly worrying you’ve upset others
- always analysing if you could have done things better
- feeling guilty for things you didn’t even actually do or for simply having bad thoughts
- taking responsibility if others are in a bad mood
- using the terms ‘should have’ and ‘could have’ often
- letting one small thing that went wrong turn into a day of intense self-criticism
- a constant belief that if things are not going well, somehow it’s down to something you must have said or done
- blaming others or practising psychological projection (a defence mechanism against guilt)
- spiralling quickly from guilt into shame (feeling not just for what we might have done, but for who we are).
But why do I feel guilty all the time?
Freud felt that guilt arose from the ‘Oedipal stage’ of psychosexual development – in other words, we all feel secretly guilty as we are attracted to our opposite-sex parent. Thankfully psychology has moved on from this limited view.
The modern cognitive therapy approach sees guilt as deriving from a set of negative core beliefs you have that lead you to inaccurately see life through the lens of, “I cause people to suffer’. How do you get such negative ideas of yourself and the world? You are ‘conditioned’ – i.e., you learn them as a child.
Guilt can be a behaviour you learn from mimicking – you saw the example set by adults around you and followed it. For example, if you grew up in a religious environment, feeling guilty might actually have been something that made you socially acceptable. Or, if you had a parent who always wailed that things were his or her fault, you might have been programmed with the idea that being guilty is how you gain attention from others, and that that it shows you ‘care’ about others.
But a guilt complex also derives as a reaction to the behaviour of parents and caregivers, or in response to a traumatic event where the only way your child’s mind could process the occurrence was to decide you somehow caused it.
Guilt as a reaction
As a child our mind can not see the big picture we gain by adulthood. So if a parent is unwell – mentally unstable, depressed, an addict, violent – a child can often decide that somehow they are the cause of the problem.
This kind of thinking can be reinforced by casual comments from the parent such as ‘why do you have to drive me crazy’, ‘why can’t you be like your brother/sister’, ‘why did I ever decide to be a parent’.
Parents can manipulate a child into a guilt-ridden mindset even if their intention is to be ‘good parents’. This comes from the sort of caregiving where a parent or guardian is unable to accept the child fully as they are (often as they themselves have too many unresolved issues to love unconditionally). They will encourage the child to be ‘well-behaved’ in order to ‘earn’ affection or attention. Or they will expect the child to be in tune with their whims at any given moment. The child becomes codependent, basing their personality and actions around the parent’s needs.
And what happens when the then child feels any ‘not perfect’ things? Sadness or anger, for example? The child feels racked with guilt. Worse, he or she shoves their real self so deep inside that they grow up as adults who lack boundaries or have identity issues.
Guilt as a response to trauma
Any kind of trauma can leave a child to grow up into an adult who constantly feels guilt. This can include:
- physical, verbal, or sexual abuse
- the loss of a parent or loved one
- bankruptcy or losing your home
- a broken family/divorce.
Again, a child can often only comprehend what is happening around by thinking it is somehow their doing. So the sexually abused child, for example, grows up wracked with shame, thinking somehow it was her fault, until she learns through therapy or self-help that it was not.
Is my guilt really a big deal?
By: Aaron Muszalski
Guilt has been linked by studies to clinical depression. In some ways it needs no explanation – it’s hard to feel good if you are constantly worried you are ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’.
It was found in studies that those who experienced childhood guilt had lower volumes in the area of the brain involved with self-perception. This means lower self-esteem, one of the main triggers of depression. (Read more in our connected article, Guilt and Depression).
Guilt is also a contributing factor to:
- obsessive compulsive disorder
- anxiety and anxiety disorders
- self-harm
- anxiety and anxiety disorders
- sleep disorders
- fear of intimacy and problematic relationships.
And guilt often comes hand-in-hand with hidden layers of shame, an emotion that can rule our days.
What can I do if I suffer from constant feelings of guilt?
Guilt can be so deeply entrenched in the way you see yourself and others that it’s extremely hard to untangle things alone.
Working with a counsellor or psychotherapist is recommended. They can help you identify just how your guilt is running your life, what its roots are, and how you can start to operate from a clearer perspective.
All talk therapies can help with deep seated feelings of guilt and shame. Shorter term therapies to especially consider include:
- cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
- acceptance and commitment therapy
- solution focused brief therapy.
And longer term therapies that can help you alleviate longstanding feelings of guilt are:
All these forms of therapy are offered at Harley Therapy and available in six London locations to suit your needs. Not in London? Visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to browse hundred of professional therapists offering Skype therapy and phone counselling.
Question or comment? Post below.
I just want to say thank you…. For the first time in my life I don’t feel alone in this. Thank you.
Gosh, thanks Stephanie! Glad it hit a chord.
This article was very useful. I have felt guilty even before I’ve gotten out of bed in the morning. I’m in therapy and have been for over two years but I still feel guilty for everything and it’s fair to say, I’m miserable. I would love to be able to wake up in a he morning without a hat knotted feeling in my lower stomach. It would be a dream come true.
Kim, we are sorry to hear this. Have you seen improvements with therapy at all?
Thank you for the article. It opened my eyes. I realize that I feel guilty as long as I remember my self. As a result, I am suffering from sever depression and I attempted a suiside . Even though I was hospitalized for a month I did not have any psychotherapy or simple explanation of what is going on with me. I still feel guilty for every little thing but in general I am able to manage. The negative side of the meds that I am taking make my feelings dull. I lost connection with my family and feel completely alone, abundant, rejected,
Oh my gosh this is awful for us to hear. Hospitalised and given meds but no therapy?? Our guess is that you are in the USA? We find it heartbreaking when people are not given psychological therapies when it is scientifically proven they help with depression and suicidal feelings. Drugs only manage the symptoms. And this sort of treatment probably left you feeling even more alone, abandoned, and rejected. Could you reach out for support? Do you have the money for therapy? (You might want to read about CBT therapy, dialectical therapy, and schema therapy, we have articles on here about all of them). If not, google low cost counselling in your area, also google mental health charities and support groups, some of which are free. You might find our guide to low cost counselling helpful http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy and if you are ever feeling totally alone do reach out to one of the various free hotlines, where trained listeners are always available, the Good Samaritans operates in both the UK and USA, for example. We wish you courage!
I feel guilty all the time. I used to feel guilty alot but I made peace with my past and I do feel guilty for alot of things that happened. I ended up sleeping around because I didn’t care for myself at all. Now I’m in a loving relationship I feel guilty about all that and I know it’s a problem for him that I have slept with a fair share of guys. He brings it up sometimes when he’s upset and then I end up thinking about it and feeling guilty, or he might think I like a guy when I don’t and if it’s mentioned enough I’ll persuade myself that I do! Or ask myself to many times if i do and then doubt my own mind of what i know to be true, does this happen alot with guilty feeling people?
I don’t think he knows he is doing that other wise I know he wouldn’t. He’s a lovely guy but we all have our insecurities and I can be just as bad if not, worse with him. It’s like if I don’t feel guilty my mind is ALWAYS trying to think of something to be guilty of! I try to keep myself busy but it doesn’t seem to work. Is all this “normal”?
Hi Sidz, we hate the word ‘normal’. Nobody is ‘normal’. We are all just human. It sounds like you are suffering from all sorts here, anxiety, self-criticism, difficult relationships, low self-esteem and lack of self-worth… these things don’t come out of nowhere. Are you sure you ‘made peace with your past’? How did you achieve this exactly? Did you actually dive deep and process the old emotions around your challenging past in the safe and supportive environment such as a therapy room? The way to know we truly have peace with the past is to look at our present. If it’s full of turmoil, then there’s a very good chance there is still some work to do. If you have the courage, we’d definitely suggest you seek counselling. When we have deep-rooted issues we will constantly choose relationships where we are not loved for who we are. The only way to move beyond this and gain the self-esteem to allow ourselves to be loved is to process the past, not just ‘decide’ to make peace with it, but really dive deep and process. We hope that makes sense.
I feel guilty about everything. My lack of control with eating/drinking. My work. My abilities as a mum. I know I need help but don’t know where to start. It’s exhausting feeling like this.
It sounds exhausting, Karen! What is holding you back from seeking support such as finding a counsellor? It could be worthwhile to sit down and write down what that is and looking at whether those blocks are real or if there is a way around them. If it’s just fear of the unknown in the end, then know that is normal. But also know that all of these issues really can benefit from some support. So a bit of discomfort about taking that first step is worth suffering through.
I feel guilty all the time. i remember something from my past,not even important,and suddenly feel guilty. I am in a relationship. I get a feeling that i have to tell him everything that i think about. Till then i have this immense weight on my chest. I feel that whatever happened was wrong. To me he is perfect. This makes it more hard since i think that i,with all the past happenings(which are mostly nothing, but all the same,i feel guilty of it) i am in the wrong. I would give anything to take all these feelings out of my head. I feel guilty of even dreaming things. It is killing me. Sometimes i feel like i can’t hold on anymore. But as soon as i say the things in my mind to him, i feel relieved, till i find something else to feel guilty about. It’s so tiring.
Ann that does sound tiring! There is a lot going on in this message. Not only is there guilt, there is low self-esteem, and there are some relationship dynamics that might be codependent. For example, nobody is perfect. That is a lot of pressure for someone else to live up to, and it’s also a way of giving up your own personal power. If you could gather up your courage and seek counselling we’d highly advise it. Nobody should have to live with such exhausting guilt, and a therapist can create a completely safe environment for you to get to the root of these patterns of thinking and behaviour.
I must say I felt constant guilt sometimes and still do, until I married a narcissist. I am an empath and this is an opposites attract thing let me tell you. He doesn’t care if he offends anybody, he could care less! Me I worry, I fret and tear my stomach apart worrying about hurting others. If I miss birthday parties, or just don’t feel like driving 8 hours there and back just thinking about it I go into a depression. My husband says it’s not worth it, they will understand and if they don’t oh well. It as if we were brought together to bring each other some kind of equilibrium. It is not perfect, it can be crazy but so many times he has helped me lift the burden of guilt off of me. I have given him a conscious when he was in desperate need of one. This is how we coexist. God helps me and my faith in Jesus. Sometimes you can say no, but boy do I still feel guilty saying that word no. I hate it, good thing my narcissist knows how to help me do it, or I would be a nervous wreck all the time.
Hi Ann, it sounds like you are happy within your relationship and that’s great. Just to say that just because someone doesn’t spend all their time worried what other people think does not make them a narcissist. Nor is constantly making yourself sick to please others a sign of human goodness. You might find our article on ‘Is he or she really a narcissist?’ interesting. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-a-narcissist.htm. As well as these articles on boundaries http://bit.ly/buildboundaries and victimhood http://bit.ly/stopbeingvictimized. Hope that helps
So I’m 15 and no matter what I always feel worried and guilty. I have a single parent and I’m to worried to go out cuz I’d feel guilty I left her alone cuz she don’t ha e many friends. I’m to scared to date like idk why I just can’t figure out how to breathe and my stomach hurts all day. Please help me understand why
Being 15 is hard. When you are a teenager your brain is actually doing all sorts, still growing, sending out all kinds of hormones, and trying to figure out who you are on top of that. It’s the part of life where we learn our identity. So first of all, deep breath. It’s actually normal to feel stressed as a teen. All those people in movies, films, and on social media who look so together are usually not telling the truth! So don’t compare yourself to them. That aside, it sounds like you are actually dealing with some serious challenges that many people don’t have to. Your mother sounds like she isn’t stable enough to be the parenting figure. It doesn’t sound like you can turn to her but you feel instead responsible for her. This is actually not healthy as it means you have no real support. If your mother isn’t mentally well it’s obviously pointless to blame her, but it’s good to educate yourself as to what’s going on and seek support. You might want to read about codependency, we think you’ll see some familiar patterns. Also look into attachment theory and anxious attachment. When we grow up without a parent we can trust to be there for us we develop anxiety…! In any case you need help. We have a new article on seeking mental health help as a teen, do read it! https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/teen-mental-health-get-help.htm
Hi, my name is Leah and I am 13 years old. A few months ago I was disowned by both parents (real mom and step dad) for wanting to have no religion.
I had quite a lot of verbal abuse and favouritism with my step dads kids.
I’ve always been a guilty person, blaming myself for everything that happens, and I always feel like a burden on others.
Sometimes I dig my nails into my skin when I feel I’ve done something wrong.
I feel guilty for eating, for sitting down, and even having a shower.
I am so upset and confused. I’m crying as I write this.
Please help me, I honestly don’t know what to do.
Leah, this is HORRIBLE to hear. This NOT your fault. Religion and religious cults brainwash people. And turn parents against children. And guilt is the main tool of religion. They use it to control people. So it’s not surprising you are drowning in guilt but we promise you that this is not your fault. This is especially hard to go through when you are a teenager trying to figure out your own identity as it is. Do you have any support? Did you find a safe place to live? Are there friends and family you can talk to? Is there a school counsellor? You need to find support. Google for charities and help lines that help young people (if you are in the UK Childline is excellent). Don’t be scared to call a helpline. They are there to help and the volunteers actually want to listen to you. Also google for forums where young people with religious parents talk. It can be a huge relief to know you are not alone.
I feel guilty and so shameful for the things I’ve done in my life. I can’t get my past to keep from following me. I can’t even remember being “happy” as a child. It seems I was always worried even as a little girl. I remember when I was about six, I don’t know if it was a dream or reality but I seen this man in a cap walking thru my house and saying to me “I’m going to kill your mommy and Daddy”. I never told a soul. During that time I was be eing sexually abuse by someone very close to me, the same sex even. For this reason I believe I have never had a true real relationship with a man, I’m just no good at them; I am almost 50 and never been in love, no children, no nothing. I get mad at that person who done that to me because they will NEVER admit it in a million years. I have to see this person all the time. Then I really mad at myself because I don’t know how to go on, never have. This person has gone on and lived their live. I have nothing. I’ve had it .
We are sorry to hear about all this suffering. First of all, this level of suffering and loneliness is not okay, it’s too much for anyone, and when things are at this level we need support. We’d highly, highly advise you seek support. If you are on a tight budget then please read our article on finding low cost therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Secondly, to explain that trauma as a child can mean that our perspective narrows to only see the bad things, because we are always on the lookout for new danger. It’s as if the brain erases or ignores any positive way of seeing and obsesses on the negative, what are called ‘cognitive distortions’. http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist . So even if good things were available we don’t see them or choose them. We need to retrain our brains to do so. A good start can be taking five minutes a day to write out a list of at least three things you are grateful for, no matter how small. Finally, you do know how to go on. You have more resources than you give yourself credit for. Look, you are here, aren’t you? And futhermore, you are even doing research to help yourself. So we are sure you are more courageous and powerful than you realise. We do hope you seek out some support and get help to really see your own strengths.
Hello, i have a relationship problems i guess, since i was a child i had close people to me but whenever we are apart i just move on, people wants to be friends with me but i push them away. I’ve always done the right thing for others so i freak out when its bad for them, i have a cousin and sister they are close to each other and i wasn’t, so i feel like i was left over. i sometimes feel like i want to leave the people i know. and find others. i am emotional and my sister is rational we always have different point of views, these days whenever we discus something,she’ll have a different opinion i will start blushing and feel like i don’t want to give my opinion because i don’t want to dissent her’s so she would be mad at me or won’t like what i said. i feel like i don’t want to deal with her anymore. and she has a boyfriend, he is my friend too. i sometimes want to know how their relationship is? and want to make fun with her about him but she never talk about him with me. while i do with her about whatever i am facing or feeling, she is introvert and i am an extrovert. i feel guilty yes for whatever i am thinking of, and mostly now because of her, i am lazy person and i do things in the last minute she gets angry at this, she gets angry at anything i do so i try to finish on time, do things on time even my thoughts i think of i feel guilty cause i think she won’t like them but i don’t do it in purpose, i sometimes with my friends and i am so bald so i do silly things sometimes i feel guilty cause i think of her so now i feel when she is with me i am not me, i feel like i follow whatever she says. هi feel attacked by whatever she says so i stop without telling her, i feel like i am afraid of her, i said it once when i was a kid. if anything says something i don’t mind but her i care for whatever she says, negative thoughts of me jealous of her till now i am saying yes i am so maybe its the thing but if someone told me its not then i will be like yeah it’s not true, i am not sure of myself cause i keep building ideas of me jealous of her in the future of my kids not like her’s , life not like her’s , like i lose myself. if she is not around i am fine so i hate that because i love her, and when i talk to her about some of these thoughts about her she tells me i need to fix myself which i know but i can’t take off the negative thoughts all the time, if someone didn’t do what i do for them it breaks me, maybe i want everyone to love me. since i was a kid i used to cry when i am going to a new level of school. or changing my bed, high school i cried for two months i don’t know why . i feel i am disconnected from reality sometimes. i am happy now then 5 mins later i am feeling terrible. i am in China so communication with my school therapist is kinda hard cause i get to say everything but i can’t understand everything he says, i am an atheist and i have to live life completely different of who i am and i am trying to focus on what i want to be but i am afraid i won’t get the chances to do what i want now, cause there things i can’t dob and i am afraid this would change me and i’ll regret not living this time later. when am angry at someone i don’t use eye contact cause if i talked to them i’ll be mad and i will cry, the i’ll feel guilty oi mead them sad although they harmed me so i avoid them. i keep questioning myself if i didn’t do what i am used to do then its not me anymore, it scares me a lot. i can’t be a lone, i always want accompany. i am meditating now. if i fix it with my sister then my mind will find away to think of another thing with another person of anything. its continuously. i am tired of it, its defecting my studies which i need a certificate to stay here rather then going back to where i live. i don’t say thank you much cause i believe its something we all should help and do, but i am teaching myself to although it makes uncomfortable cause i take it serious and negative again. i am reading lots of articals willing to know what i am going through. sometimes i feel like my head is blank and i don’t know how to act or react. i have a problem delivering my speech i talk everything at the same time, one more thing my sister gets really irritated if i start telling a story cause actually i don’t remember a lot and i talk like whom ever is listening will understand what i am saying. sometimes everyone understands whats the pro. is saying but not me and i ask myself why? this been since intermediate school.
thank you so much
Hi “R”. What we see here is an awful lot of ‘ruminating’, overthinking. And all an attack on yourself. So it’s clear you are suffering from anxiety and low self-esteem. We can’t of course give you a diagnosis over a comment box. We don’t know you. We are only seeing your version of events here. You do seem desperate to find labels for yourself, as if that will somehow make everything ok if you just find the right ‘name’. Here’s the thing – what if you didn’t have to figure out exactly who you were? What if you were fine exactly how you are and you don’t need anyone else’s approval? These are good questions to keep asking yourself. Here’s the thing – nobody knows exactly who they are. This is a myth. We all learn and change all the time. And some of us more than others. We have core values that are consistent, and those are things to identify, but we don’t have to be ‘one thing’. That said, it does seem like you are really floundering and are unaware of yourself as you are so desperate to please. And your relationship with your sister seems very difficult and she sounds far from supportive of you. What is curious is how you don’t mention your parents which waves a red flag for us. If you don’t even mention them, and your sister is not so nice to you, is it possible you are also suffering from a lot of loneliness? This desperate need to please to the extent we lose who we are generally comes from childhood, and the ways you were parented, or possibly even childhood difficulties and trauma. You might want to look at attachment theory, and anxious attachment http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment. It’s good to hear you have a counsellor, but we’d suggest you could benefit from a strong bond with someone you can really talk to about all this. Is there a Skype therapist in your language you could work with? Finally, look up self compassion. It’s a faster route to self esteem. Trying to learn how to treat yourself like a friend instead of an enemy is something you can start doing today.
thank you for that. its helpful.
my dad was always away from home, used to see him for two months only till now, its been 3 years and half we didn’t meet all of us at once, only twice a year we see dad, mum is 10 hours away flying from here. my family was always under the pressure of my uncles till now, so my dad grew up with flaws to conservative family living in the village who was 14 and already red Darwin’s theory and my mum is the wife of this person so she was treated badly at times. i sometimes don’t remember most of things when i am a kid, i feel like i woke up to the world when i finished high school, before that i really don’t know what it was like i was just living. i can’t say i have a good memories cause i don’t feel it or wasn’t happy probably with that pressure. i know I’ve always done things for people to like me and to pa attention to me without knowing that time but now i realised it. i came from a conservative family which i was following everything my mum or dad would say or even teachers. i always was the good model. i don’t do what bothers others. my sister can’t stand too emotional people i understand her cause i know her way thinking, and we have different characters.
i forgot saying it effects my sleep
so it goes like i sleep good dreams and i woke up OK then thoughts again so i wish i am a sleep , sometimes i sleep and i dream of those thoughts happening and as soon as i wake up my mind bring the thoughts and i lose how i react again.
Hi R. Seems a lot of overthinking and anxiety. Do seek some proper support!
We feel you would really benefit from a round of cognitive behavioural therapy sessions. CBT is a short-term therapy and you don’t even need to talk about your past much. But it helps you gain control of your thoughts and to move from negative thoughts to balanced thinking. It’s very effective for stress, overthinking, and anxiety and you can do it over Skype http://bit.ly/CBTTherapy
Hi my mum just bought my flight to Bali as I’ve had to get a job over there as the UK is not financially working for me. I’ve been sick for a long time mostly from psychiatric medications and financial stress. My parents said they would help me but I just feel so guilty as they have given me so much money over the years for vet bills for a dog I bought back from Korea. I’m also leaving my dog with them which I feel guilty about. I just want to get working again and the only jobs I can get in the UK are minimum wage even through I have both an undergrad and post grad degree. I feel if I go then I can be financially independent but I just feel so much guilt because I’m 40 and I’m using my parents like a bank and it’s just not sitting well with me.
Hi Jeannette that sounds hard, we are sorry to hear it, we hope that things look up for you soon.