Can’t Fall In Love? 10 Psychological Issues That Could Be Stopping You

It sounds tough, Tim. This feeling that you really long to experience true intimacy but it feels so far away. More often than not, this relates to unresolved childhood experiences of not being able to trust your adult caregivers to always be there for you and accept you just as you are. It might be you had to be a ‘good’ child to feel safe, which could lead to being an adult who ‘pleases’ others at the expense of their own happiness and often even their own sense of identity. Would you consider talking to someone about all this? These are serious and real issues, and they can be helped, you’d be surprised at how quickly a good therapist could help you see progress.

There is an energy of deep sadness to your words, Mitch. We understand you say you are not depressed, but there is something worth exploring here about sadness and belonging. Maybe it’s not about love at all in the end, but about other things somehow? Feeling you have the right to belong somewhere? Not sure. But these thoughts about love are also in some ways things to hide other pains behind, possibly. Worth asking good questions about it all, if possible with support. This is more than worth a few counselling sessions, this issue. Yes, love is some big strange inexplicable things in some ways, in other ways there is something so necessary about it we just can’t overlook it. Thinking about these things alone can send us in loops that we can’t escape, whereas a few sessions with a therapist can be remarkably affective to give us new perspective we just didn’t see before. You are brave and determined, so we feel there is more ahead than you have resigned yourself to, perhaps….we wish you well.

How long have you know this person? Despite what movies, TV, and books tell us about love (mostly all untrue), love is not something that falls out of the sky and leaves us in a state of bliss. It involves slowly getting to know someone and trusting them. What about this man deserves your trust? What actions, (not words) show he is trustworthy? It could be that you are actually torn between the romantic ideas you’ve been fed and your own very real instincts that this guy is not trustworthy.At the same time, you are developing an attachment and even obsession with him, which might stem from not getting any love or attention as a child. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you. You are young, and it sounds like you’ve experienced childhood trauma with this ‘Mom’ figure. We’d suggest you seek support. Most schools offer free to low cost counselling, and your privacy will be respected.

Is this about him at all? It seems like you are suffering anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of identity, and are looking for someone perfect to come along to help you escape…. is this possible? Are you afraid of breaking up with him, or something else? What is this idea of ‘love’ you have and where did you get it from? It doesn’t sound like love at all, reading what you write. Do you love yourself? What does loving yourself mean, do you know? Could you look into it? What does trust mean to you? Do you know how to trust? Do you trust yourself? Again, we’d advise seeking counselling.

We’ll have to write another article talking about that, thank you for this very valid point, Keiko!

It all does sound very intense. On one hand, she sounds like she needs an awful lot from you, and perhaps is looking for someone to provide her with self-esteem she needs to find within herself first. On the other hand, it sounds like you give her mixed messages. You say you don’t want a relationship, but lavish her with gifts and then spend time in bed. So it sounds like both of you are confused and maybe need to spend time being sure who you are and what you want from life, and possibly seeking some support around that, on stabilising identity and esteem. And then also, have you had a loving, sexual relationship before? Or is this a typical pattern for you? Do you find all emotions hard to understand, and do you find any kind of close intimacy really confusing? If so, it’s also very good to seek support as you might discover you have a psychological difference a counsellor can help you with, such as Asperger’s. Hope that is helpful!

It sounds to us that you are a fairly intelligent, tapped in, and self-aware person who happens to be young and learning about life and love. Twenty is actually very young to even be aware of all the things you are speaking of. So on one hand, cut yourself some slack. What is the big rush? Very few people are in love at 20, many people don’t meet their life partner until their 30s or even later! On the other hand, it does sound like you are truly suffering severe anxiety, high self-criticism, and had difficult childhood situations. Both more than merit seeking some support. We’d suggest you reach out for some. As a student, your college or university might provide free or low cost counsellors. You’d be amazed at the difference talking to someone impartial and supportive can make. Other than that, mindfulness is a free tool that is very useful for anxiety and overthinking. You might want to try it. We have a free easy-to-read guide here.https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm

Yes, it sounds like a fear of intimacy and being known. Did you see our piece on Fear of Intimacy? Do consider counselling. Living without real connection is a serious problem, it’s good you see that. It has a knock on effect to all areas of life, even career. Speaking to a counsellor or therapist and getting to the root of it now can mean a different life ahead where you finally break the cycle. We hope you give it consideration!

Hi Luna, and thanks for sharing. It’s an awful lot of analysing, self-criticism and labelling here. It doesn’t really sound that you are that committed to either one, although the situation is exciting for you. Neither is it worthwhile judging yourself for feeling jealous, which is a normal emotion. But in summary, we can’t tell you what to do with this situation based on just this little bit of information, but it would be a good thing to discuss with your therapist, so you can start to understand what it is about this situation that is the real attraction.

Sam, thank you for all this honest sharing. It sounds like not only do you have serious blocks to intimacy, but that they lead you to chase the types of women who are unable to have healthy relationships themselves. It’s interesting you want to see them as so innocent, have you asked yourself what that is about? Is any adult ‘innocent’, and is that useful to them and you to see them that way? Something to think about. To fall in love we have to be willing to see and accept all of someone, their good side and their bad side (which we all have as humans). That starts with seeing and accepting the good and bad within yourself, too, of course. And if we have low self-esteem that can be really hard. Making others ‘perfect’ and ‘innocent’ then means we fall even further away from being worthy of them. Can you see how that might work? In any case, we would actually recommend seeking the support of a counsellor or therapist on this. It sounds like these issues are deep rooted, and hard to handle alone, and 15 years is long enough to feel lonely. We hope you can find the courage to consider it.

Thank you for sharing. Yes, it does sound like he has intimacy issues. And we appreciate you want to help him. But here’s the thing. There is only one person you can change in this situation – and it isn’t him. And we aren’t so sure you are asking the right question here, as we see many other questions. For starters, you are more focussed on helping him then processing that he just told you he doesn’t love you, which much have felt absolutely terrible. On what basis is he a ‘good, kind’ man? Are you also able to see his other side (as we all have another side, it’s normal) or do you choose just to see this one side? Is there anything else you aren’t seeing here? What sort of job does he have that he can only see you once a week for 16 weeks? What do you think love is? Do you think you have to ‘earn’ love from people who do not freely give it? Do you often only see the good in people and miss the full picture? What ways was love modelled for you as a child? Were you loved no matter what your thoughts and moods, or were you taught to be good, patient and perfect to ‘deserve’ love? All good starting points. We hope it helps.We’d also encourage you to read our piece on codependency.

That sounds really hard, to not feel that there is much love to go around in your family. Recognising that you have issues is brave, and it sounds that, given you are researching, you are taking steps to understand yourself better. We’d recommend you continue with your research and maybe try some self-help books, and remember that learning to trust if we haven’t seen our parents do it takes time and their will be trial and error, and that’s okay. If you find you feel low or unable to change, consider talking to a counsellor. If you are still at school there might be one at the school you can talk to, or if you are at university most offer low cost counselling to students.

You’re not talking to much at all. It sounds like you don’t like her that way but you are simply terrified of letting her down. It’s nothing to do with being defective, you just don’t like her that way. That’s normal. You are young. It can feel like you have to be attracted to someone, but it comes with time. We all have our own inner clocks on that front. So don’t worry about that, you have time. Worry about this terror you have of letting others down for now. As it really does feel like terror for you. Is this something that plagues all areas of your life? Do decisions always leave you anxious, procrastinating, overthinking, in a total panic? This sort of pattern can come from a childhood where we had to be a ‘good’ child to be loved, we had to please our parents. What is the very worst thing that could happen if you just said ‘sorry, I don’t want to ever be more than friends’? What sort of anxiety rises up for you when you think of disappointing others? She sounds the type who is very confident and might not be that upset at all, but again, this is more about you, so if you feel very afraid of letting her down, concentrate on what that has to teach you about yourself. If you feel this might be an old issue, and that an inability to say no to others or set boundaries is a real problem in your life, it’s actually worth seeing a counsellor over. Sorting this out now can mean you avoid entering adulthood wasting all your time pleasing others instead of doing what makes you happy. Good luck!

Hi Lauren, great question. Everything is ‘possible’, but it depends on your definition of ‘coping’. Do you just want to get by until around 40? Most people with borderline find the symptoms far more manageable by then, although of course they might also find themselves alone and lonely, with money problems, and not excelling like they might have in their careers. If you just want to ‘cope’, mindfulness is great, and you can read the books on the various therapies that are proven to help with BPD, such as schema therapy and dialectical therapy. You can try to practice some of their tools alone. But if you really want to have a long term loving relationship and reach the goals you have for yourself, it is far faster and more productive to seek support.One of the main issues with BPD is that we are unable to see ourselves as others see ourselves. Therapy helps you finally understand the difference between how you come across and how you perceive yourself, and it’s difficult to achieve that alone. As for medication, it’s not actually always the preferred route here in the UK. Talk therapies alone can lead to huge results, without any need for medication. Of course we do not know you and your life experiences, or if you have other co-existing conditions, so we can’t really say what is and isn’t right for you. Hope that helps.

That’s a very good comment, thank you. Yes, shame can definitely hold us back from love. I’m sure many readers will agree with that.

Thank you for sharing. You’re not broken. You’ve got a strong pattern you are stuck in. But you are not the pattern. We’d also guess that you also rush into these relationships quickly, is that possible? In any case, medication would not stop this pattern. We’d assume you are in the USA if that was the solution, which always makes us sad to hear. Medication lowers anxiety ad depression temporarily, it is not a longterm solution. What you need is a therapist you can trust who uses a form of therapy that would actually help. And you need to stick it out even when it gets hard, as this pattern, or liking then pushing away, will actually play out with you and the therapist, too. We’d suggest you look into Schema therapy…..hope that helps.

Hi Paul, it’s really hard when we feel not chosen, unloved, rejected, and have bad experiences with the opposite sex. It stings, and if we are sensitive and deep down really quite loving, it can lead to a hard shell forming until we forget all about the kind, loving, human we started as. It can feel far easier to decide instead that everyone is bad and awful and that is the problem, not that we got hurt, or upset. Especially so when we do indeed live in a society where men are expected to be tough and non-emotional. But the problem is that this tends to backfire. The more we protest it’s everyone else’s fault, the more we judge a sector of humanity based just on our own experiences with a small group of people, the lonelier and worse we feel, until our original desire, to be loved and appreciated, is farther and farther away, and we become more and more entrenched in the very viewpoint that drives what we want away. What would happen if you decided that none of these beliefs were true? An interesting question. Thanks for sharing.

We’re sorry to hear all this Stan. It sounds like you are deeply hurt, which makes sense. And good for you for working with a therapist. Do you trust the therapist? Are you making progress? Have you together looked at the roots of what attracted you to such a woman? Discussed this anger and how far you feel from being able to love? We do hope so.

Thank you so much for sharing Monish. You’d be amazed at how many young people contact us really worried there is something wrong with them as they have never been in love. Here’s the big reveal – it is NORMAL to not have been in love at 18.The idea that we are all supposed to be in love by 20, or to be physically involved, is a lie totally created by modern media, by film, TV, magazines, advertisements… to sell products. And it is really not at all psychologically positive. It leads far too many young people, who are entirely healthy and normal, to think they are flawed, or even push themselves to date or have sex way before they are ready for it. The best thing you can do here is try to stop worrying about this and put all your energy into doing things you love that make you feel happy. What hobbies and activities make you feel most yourself? Who do you feel most yourself around and least shy? Build your confidence and inner happiness, and this will attract the right people towards you more than any worry or feeling you must turn a good friend into a girlfriend. We hope this helps.

Hi Lee, we don’t know how old you are. If you are still young, it’s normal to feel nervous about intimacy, and to go on several or many single dates before you feel ready to take things further. Despite the media encouraging young people to think they are supposed to be ‘in love’ by what, 18 (totally unrealistic) we all have our own timelines for feeling ready for being in a relationship. The best advice we have is to not worry about this or make it the focus of your life. Instead, make yourself the focus of your life. What do you love to do? What are your goals? How are you working toward them? How could you do more of what you love that makes you feel good? The more we know ourselves and like ourselves, the more we can feel good letting others know and like us. And it’s when we are doing things that make us feel good that we are more likely to meet people we feel comfortable to be ourselves around, which is where true relationships start, from a place of being ourself, not all the romantic idealism movies and film feed young people. Now this aside… if you are above 25, and still find you can’t connect with others and only see flaws, it might be an intimacy issue. Read our article on fear of intimacy http://bit.ly/fearofintimacy and our intimacy guide bit.ly/intimacyguide. Hope that helps!

Skyla, thanks for this brave sharing. You have been through a lot in life, it sounds like. And yes, you are managing, coping, getting by, you’ve even managed to have a daughter you love dearly. But when you say ‘it never caused a problem’, all the trauma you experienced, what do you qualify as a problem? Having anxiety and depression and feeling unable to fully be present in a relationship or even trust yourself are real problems and it’s ok to admit to that. Do you feel able to be honest about all this with your counsellor? Do you feel that a bond of trust is forming with your counsellor? Have you shared with your counsellor that you don’t know what to do? We are really glad to hear you have support. Don’t be afraid to share with your counsellor, that is what they are there for. And if you have been seeing them for a long time, and don’t feel you can trust them with all this, that is worth discussing with them. Hope that helps.

Hi Ary, it sounds like a lot of self-blame is going on here. At the end of the day, all relationships are 50-50, it just isn’t possible any other way. So making the other person ‘so wonderful’ and you awful just can’t be the reality. If she or he is so wonderful, they why do they attract not great relationships? They must have issues they need to deal with. It also sounds like you have an instinct against this relationship but are trying to rationalise away your gut feeling here. You call this person wonderful, yet admit s/he is ’emotionless’. Is that really so wonderful? Then the questions become, what in you thinks this is what you deserve? Thinks you must fix othr people? Think this is your responsibility, to take someone obviously damaged and ‘love them better’? Where did you learn this idea? We highly recommend you research codependency. It’s a pattern of relating that comes from childhood, and often comes hand in hand with depression, because we are living from a space where we never take care of ourselves and always put ourselves last. We’d also suggest you consider reaching out to a counsellor or therapist to talk this through. Codependency is learned from childhood, so can be tough to break through alone, and a counsellor can provide the warmth and support to help you move forward and recognise your own worth and your that you deserve to be fully loved without having to earn it all the time. We hope that helps.

Hi Magalena, your pattern is actually classic. People with fear of intimacy tend to do just fine with people they don’t see as a threat and can ‘control’their feelings around, but develop destructive patterns if they feel feelings of love which feel out of control. An innate fear leads to push pulling and even being mean if feelings of love arise. This often stems from childhood trauma or neglect, or growing up in an environment where you weren’t allowed to develop healthy attachment with a parental figure where you could trust them to always be there for you no matter what. In some cases it also means as adults we develop borderline personality disorder, where we are extremely emotionally volatile when people get too close to us (we are not saying that is your diagnosis, we don’t know you). In any case, what you are talking about is deep rooted stuff. You are aware of the pattern, which is the first step. But now what? Patterns are tough to break alone, which is why they are repeat patterns. Are you willing to seek support over this in the form of counselling or therapy? If so, we’d suggest you read our article on therapies for relating issues bit.ly/findlovetherapy. Hope that helps.

Thank you so much for sharing this Jed. We deeply appreciate your desire to do the right thing, and the obvious kindness and compassion you have for others. It’s a complicated situation you have gotten yourself into, but what seems clear is that your instincts are speaking and fighting against your head. You keep saying ‘it makes sense’, which is your brain, but you have a feeling, an instinct, that has you looking things up and feeling self protective. It’s not such a bad instinct. Anyone who pulls away so sharply after one kiss is either not really fully into the situation but feeling they ‘should’ be, or would indeed have deep-rooted issues. It could be abandonment, trauma, it could even be borderline personality disorder (BPD) which causes sufferers to constantly push and pull others and put you on a pedestal one moment only to knock you off. We don’t know her. We can’t really say. We do note that you mention she ‘still does pull punches’ with her children. We aren’t sure what that means, but it does sound like it’s again not clear behaviour. In summary this is not healthy behaviour she is exhibiting, she is pushing but holding on, giving mixed signals and possibly manipulating, so so clearly there are very real issues. Now here’s the thing. If you in the past had a relationship with an addict, there might be codependency issues here you need to be aware of. It really does seem like there is a belief you have to ‘earn’ love, which is codependency (when really we all deserve to be loved without effort, just for being ourselves). So the question is, how kind and compassionate can you be to yourself here? How can you stop worrying about her and her issues, and look at what you are needing here and what you can do to take care of yourself? How can you look beyond your head and the logic of ‘kids same age, same background’ and listen to your own needs here? To what this situation can teach you about yourself and your own patterns? Is slowing down good? Could you use some support on your own issues here, in the form of counselling or a men’s group? We are not at all saying this is or isn’t a relationship for you. Who knows, it might be, especially if she is open to seeking help. But we are saying there are red flags, and it’s wise to seek support and see this as an opportunity to do some soul searching. We hope that helps.

Lynn, thank you for this brave sharing. We’d like to present a different question. What if you are just a normal 17 year old learning what it’s like to have feelings for someone? What if it’s actually normal to not be sure about love and who to love at 17? What if this idea we all need to ‘fall in love’ and ‘be in love’ is just something created by the media, by advertisements, TV, and films, because it sells products and films? What if psychology and science shows that it can take some time before we understand who we love and what a big love is? In fact many people don’t find this sort of big love until they are 25, 30, even older. And that’s actually not weird at all. What’s weird is how much pressure young people put on themselves and on each other. Our best advice is, stop stressing about love. Put all your focus on what you love in life. What hobbies make your heart sing? Do them. Spend way less time obsessing on what is wrong with you and who you like or don’t like and way more time actively involved in activities that make you feel alive and excited. Guess what – the more you do things you love that make you feel good, the more your chances of meeting someone you actually have things in common with, instead of meeting guys you just think are hot. Which inevitably fizzles out as you don’t share personal values. In summary, sounds to us like you are normal healthy teenager learning about life. Learn to love yourself and your life and let the rest unfold naturally.

Hi Adam, that’s a perspective, not a fact. The thing with perspectives and beliefs is that we tend to create our reality around them. we make choices to ‘prove’ them (and ourselves) right, until we gain the courage to challenge the perspective and see that perhaps it isn’t factual. Courage, because often such beliefs and perspective are based on painful experiences that have upset us. It seems easier to take an angry, limited view of the world than process the pain. But processing the pain is required if we are get to what we truly want, which in this case might be to be loved.

We are all different, and some don’t experience romantic feelings. In fact the sort of romantic feelings that we are force-fed by TV films and novels are often blown out of proportion in any case. On the other hand, some people are not naturally unromantic or naturally not interested in relationships, but have shut down due to trauma. So just saying ‘well I’m aromantic’ is not necessarily the best solution. It depends on the person.

Hi Fran. Well relationships certainly aren’t like the movies. They don’t fall out of the sky fully formed. They do require work. But so does anything, such as maintaining health, making money…. as for risk, we take risks each day we get up and walk outside. Why should relationships be an exception? Where does that idea come from? It’s an interesting question…. “Setting aside our feelings”, well that is a matter of opinion. We’d certainly suggest communication and openness about feelings a better route. In any case, if you have gotten to middle age without a relationship and that is the way you want to live, then that is certainly up to you. If, though, deep down that is not what you want, and you feel lonely and are researching why you might not be able to handle relationships, we’d suggest it might go deeper than just being put off by some ‘lines’. And that it might be connected to things like past trauma, fear of being fully seen, or of being hurt, and a terror to try trusting someone. If you were to consider therapy, you might find schema therapy interesting. It’s focused on creating a trusting bond between therapist and client, what is called ‘limited reparenting’, and is effective for those who feel they cannot trust at all.

Thank you for sharing. This sounds like a lot of deep-rooted stuff, more than we could answer in a comment. It sounds like you are floundering and lost. It also sounds like you feel you are unable to make changes, like you have become mired in victim mode where you have convinced yourself there is no way out. So we really would recommend counselling here. These are not the sort of things any of us can navigate out of easily alone, no matter how hard we try. A therapist will help you see options you presently just can’t.

Hi Rapunzel, you might be over diagnosing. We all tend to be hard on ourselves, and googling conditions on the internet can make the best of us panic. If you didn’t already have some inner wisdom and coping skills you wouldn’t even be looking up how to improve your capacity to love. So we are sure you CAN manage to have a healthy relationship if you put the work in and get the right support! Do consider seeking counselling, it’s quite amazing the progress we can make when we have unconditional support and a sounding board to try out new ways of thinking and being. Good luck!

Andy, thank you for sharing all this. Gosh, it sounds really hard. What we hear here is a super intelligent person, with an IQ and understanding of self probably far beyond many others. That sort of advanced, well rounded intelligence itself is isolating, particularly when young (but can change with age as we end up going off to universities, different cities, and find many more people who are like us). But what we also hear are some real issues going on that are exacerbating this sense of alienation. You turn your intelligence on yourself, and judge yourself so harshly.You are brave enough to admit to self-hate. even. That sort of thing does not come out of nowhere, and does not rise out of just being smarter than others. We’d guess there are solid issues and difficulties you had to bravely navigate in childhood that have led you this place of real difficult trusting, loneliness, and of despair (yes, despair, however well veiled behind intelligence). So intelligence is one thing, what about courage? Would you ever be brave enough to reach out for some professional support on this? We feel the changes it could make might surprise you. A good start for people with a very active mind that veers toward the negative is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that is also short-term. Otherwise, we’d say if there is an intelligence missing here, it’s self compassion. Compassion-based therapy might also be interesting for you. And therapies aside, you might find looking into mindfulness interesting. It’s a tool that helps you connect with the you behind the mind and self-judgement. We have a free guide here bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Hope that helps.

Andy, thanks for sharing. It is your life, and you are free to live in any way that works for you. And there are, for example, personality disorders that truly leave someone uninterested in relationships. But if you are concerned enough to be googling it, you are unlikely to have one of those. On instinct here we’d say you are protesting too much. It’s easy to claim we don’t need anyone, that we are gloriously happy without love, to decide that others see us as exciting. It’s much harder to face up to the real loneliness we bury inside an have enough courage to face up to childhood experiences that have shattered our levels of trust to the extent that we are in hiding and keep everyone at arm’s length. That requires a hell of a lot of courage and energy.

Yes. But the truth is that even those without BPD have such worries about love. It is after all often an indefinable thing, and nothing like the (very unrealistic) representation we see in films, TV, and novels. Love is never constantly intense. It involves a lot of boredom, a lot of conflict. Love is about being there for each other. So if you’ve made it as far as marriage, you might be doing far better than you think!

So this just adds to the idea that real, solid, love, from someone who is always there for you, will feel scary. And you will be tempted to sabotage it. We’d imagine that there are also issues in the way you were/were not loved by parents that would see you having ‘anxious attachment’ or ‘avoidant attachment’ (you might find it interesting to read our article on attachment styles https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/attachment-styles.htm).

Yvonne, first of all, give yourself some credit here for having the courage to seek treatment, this is wonderful to hear. As for wanting to find a partner, we deeply understand how hard it can be to feel alone and misunderstood, or too ‘flawed’ to be in a relationship. But it’s simply not true. As you say, there are many people around you who have struggles but are in a relationship. Why not you? So the first thing here is to really look at your own belief systems about yourself. Work to unearth and belief about what makes you different than others and then keep finding those facts that prove those beliefs entirely untrue. Then just really try to raise that self-esteem. The more you accept yourself, your past, and your problems, the more you create a window for others to do so. So focus on continuing the treatment and on doing things in life that make you feel good. This is also, fyi, the best way to meet people you have things in common with – by following your passions. In summary, it’s okay to doubt, to feel terrified nobody will ever love you…. but remind yourself of how courageous and strong you are, and of all of the things that are right about you, and keep going. Your chances of finding love are just as high as anyone’s in our opinion.

Thank you for sharing all this. First things first – could you try to be a bit kinder to yourself about this? Because it’s okay to be totally confused about love and relationships, especially at 24. Do you want to know the secret truth that nobody is talking about? MOST PEOPLE are confused and scared about relationships at 24. And a LOT of people are faking. It’s not their fault. We live in a world where we are fed complete lies about what love is and isn’t. Let me tell you one thing for sure – it isn’t like the movies. It doesn’t fall out of the sky, it isn’t easy and perfect. Love is about being able to be ourselves around someone else and be appreciated, even as we appreciate them for being themselves. That takes time. And it definitely does not start from jumping into sex, despite, again, what movies tell us. So yes, give yourself a break. Then start to learn. Educate yourself about what love and relationships really are. We have a lot of articles on relationships on here you can read, for example. And there are hundreds of self help books out there. Look for things that talk about ‘healthy relationships’ written by therapists and coaches and ignore all the terrible, fake advice out there with titles like ‘how to find love fast!’. Second thing – love is imperfect and often we have to make a lot of mistakes first. And we can’t learn who we are and what we really want in life if we don’t make mistakes and face our fears. You say you are terrified of someone you love leaving. What is the worst thing that could actually happen if that was something you went through? Would the world end? Maybe not. All this said, you do seem to be suffering very high levels of anxiety, possibly depression, and have a pattern of pushing others away and possibly engaging in destructive relationships. So we’d definitely say your childhood has negatively affected you and you would be wise to seek professional counselling. A good therapist or counsellor can help you look at your fears of abandonment and help you find healthier ways of relating to others. Hope that helps.

We’d say that if you are concerned enough you are researching it then on a certain level part of you knows it’s not making you happy and that it may be less ‘just who you are’ and more connected to your life experiences. In fact you use the word ‘abnormal’. And we get a sense that you feel disconnected and it’s frustrating you? We feel this is something definitely worth exploring with a therapist. It might indeed be connected to sexual abuse, but it could be a combination of other factors as well. Together you can look at all possible causes, get honest about how this experience really is for you, and work to take small steps to create change that leaves you feeling more connected. At the very least, if it was just the way you want to be, or is discovered to be an intrinsic part of your personality, you could learn to stop judging and comparing yourself. Hope that helps.

Hi Celest, we absolutely cannot give a diagnosis without knowing someone and their life history. If you are concerned, we’d suggest you see a counselling psychologist or psychiatrist and see what they have to say over panic and self diagnose. There are many issues that can make someone feel unemotional, from trauma to abuse to PTSD to personality disorders, to just being so young they are not ready for a relationship (life is not the movies, we don’t all feel inclined to be ‘in love’ in our teenage years). Hope that helps.

Brenda, notice that you are looking at ‘how you can fix the situation’. What if you can’t? What if you just simply don’t have the same personal values as this man? Notice how you are bending over backwards to keep him there, to verify how great he apparently is (which feels unrealistic, you don’t mention any of his bad sides, which all people have), to accommodate him. To figure out what is ‘wrong’ with him. What would happen if you shifted all your energy and attention onto…. you? Where did you learn that compromising your personal values was ‘love’? Where did you learn it’s your job to fix and change people? Do you tend to block out people’s bad sides and put them on pedestals? What attracts you to complicated relationships where you have to fight to be loved? Do you believe that love must hurt? And be intense? Where did you learn that? All interesting things to explore.

Hi Marinette, it does sound like all you think about is love, finding love, and this apparently ‘perfect’ ex. First of all, in our experience, we have never met a perfect person. Ever. So what you are doing is putting him on a pedestal in order to cause yourself suffering and be able to escape your life as it is with a fantasy of some perfect person who will come along and save you. There is one person who can come along and save you, and she is looking back at you in the mirror. What would happen if you just decided to let go of waiting for a man to come along, and decided to focus on buidling your self esteem, learning more about who you are and what you want in life, and starting to go after that? Probably you’d find yourself in a better head space with more confidence and suddenly meeting lovely men you might not have otherwise met. In summary, when we are looking for someone to save us from ourselves because we are not comfortable with who we are and don’t feel good about ourselves, we don’t attract good relationships. You have to put yourself first. If you can’t escape this sort of obsessive thinking about the ex and men, then it’s possible you have shifted into addiction, called romance addiction. If counselling hasn’t worked then you’ve got to keep trying counsellors until you feel a click. Unfortunately therapy is also a relationship. And there is no ‘perfect’ therapist, and if you don’t trust people as is, you won’t suddenly trust a therapist. Look for someone who seems a good person you could grow to trust and stick with counselling. It takes time. THere is no magic answer, just like there is no magic man on his way. You are the answer! Good luck.

Absolutely. Love can feel terrifying. You’d be amazed how many people share this behaviour. This can happen, for example, if we grew up in a household where the parent we loved was randomly angry with us or even hit us, abused us, or punished us. This programs our brain with the idea that ‘love is dangerous’. Or perhaps a parent or caregiver just withheld love from us unless we were a ‘good girl/good boy’ so we developed a lot of anxiety around love.You might find our article on fear of intimacy helpful http://bit.ly/intimacyguide

Hi Kaisa, we can’t give you a diagnosis based on a comment. What we would say, for starters, is that we don’t know how old you are but we suspect young. This idea that everyone falls in love as a teenager is a myth. We all have our own inner clock for when we begin to be attracted to others, for some it’s in their twenties. And then there are some people who seem born asexual. Sexual attraction just doesn’t seem to be in their DNA. It doesn’t seem that way from what you are saying though. It just seems that you are very young and believing some silly idea from media and films about when and how you are supposed to fall in love. We are here to tell you it’s all rubbish, and it most films and books also portray really unhealthy behaviours as ‘love’. Do things that make you happy, pursue your dreams, and stop worrying about falling in love. Worry about knowing yourself and feeling good about yourself. This way you’ll attract a person for the right reasons, because you share interests, and are two happy people connecting, not because you are trying to fit into someone else’s mould of what your life should look like.

Trisha, 30 is still very young! The entire idea that we ‘should’ fall in love in high school is a myth really…. enforced by films and books. Many people don’t find a partner until later. But if you are struggling, do consider taking the time to study relationships. Sometimes we can unknowingly be doing things that make it harder for people to get to know us, for example, or send out signs we are not interested.

Hi Alex, you sound really lonely and we are sorry about that. You also feel full of rage (we had to edit your comment as we don’t permit attacking other readers and groups of people). But feeling rejected and abandoned can cause such rage. The problem is that if there was a woman who you liked, she and everyone else around you will sense this bubbling rage and fury and be scared off, thus ‘proving’ your point that it’s pointless to want a relationship and probably meaning you have few if any real friends. So in effect you are creating this world by your rage and your huge limiting assumptions. But here’s the thing we know about rage, assumptions, being certain it’s everyone else’s fault but your own, and about people who make another group of people into ‘evil, bad’ sorts. These sorts of beliefs and emotions come from real, deep, painful experiences. Often from childhood. We aren’t born furious and full of hate. But this can all change! The angriest, most raging person can become a loved, happy person. It’s a lot of hard work. And the first step would be accepting that maybe, just maybe, it’s not that all the women in the world are horrible beasts like you said in the part we edited out. But that this is you creating all this. We’d highly recommend you consider therapy. No, it won’t be easy, but yes, all this can change.

Ave, we can only imagine how lonely and low you feel to think this must be the problem. We can’t of course diagnose you over the internet. But we would say that it’s highly unlikely simply as a sociopath would not be researching what is wrong with them. It sounds like you are young and sad. Perhaps, to survive a difficult childhood, you have learned to completely cut your emotions off and push them into a hidden place so they don’t overwhelm you. It’s a common coping mechanism. Many young people use it. We’d highly suggest you reach out for help. Feeling so low we want to call ourselves a sociopath is a hard place to be for anyone. If you don’t have money, and assuming you are young, google for free help lines and counselling for young people in your country and area. Or see if there is a school counsellor who can help, if that feels a good option for you. In the meantime, focus on what is good and right about you. At the end of each day make a list of three things you did, no matter how tiny, you feel good about.These might be little achievements like cooking a meal or finishing a book. Or they might be little connections – helping someone, smiling at a stranger. Sometimes we are so caught up in hating ourselves we need to push ourselves to see how much we actually do right. We wish you courage!

Hi Kat, we don’t know how old you are. We get a lot of young people worried about why they are not in love and really it’s just that love is not like the movies. Nor does it need to happen as a teen. It can come much later. If that’s not you, and you really don’t know why you can’t feel any love for anyone, have you considered a few sessions with a counsellor to talk about this?

Hi Kat, it’s possible. It could also be that you are very young and not ready for a relationship, or that he was not the right person for you. We can’t say without knowing you. If you feel it is a real problem, do consider doing some counselling. It can help you understand why you are so scared to trust.

Robert thank you for this brave honest sharing. You’ve hit on some of the biggest side effects of unhealed trauma – loneliness, searing, endless loneliness, a numbness and emptiness, and an inability to connect. Your inability to put down roots is another thing many trauma survivors go through. You say there no way out. And we get that it can feel that way. But have you ever actually had anyone to talk with about this? Of course we see the horrible bind here. It was a mental health professional who was your perpetrator. This is heartbreaking for us to hear as they should have been helping you. But there are support groups, many on the internet if you feel uncomfortable going to anything in person. And you’d be connecting with others who understand, not mental health workers. It is true that one of the best things can be to talk to a counsellor who helps people who were abused, because they create a really safe, non judgmental environment to unload in. It can just be so amazing to have someone sitting there listening with empathy to what we have hidden for years. Yes, even if we are paying them! But again, this might bring up a lot of terror within for you, understandably. Would it make a difference if the counsellor was a woman? Would that feel safe for you? Have you considered that you could start with something like telephone counselling or talking over the internet if that felt safer at first? Otherwise, google trauma healing and trauma surviving, it might help you feel less alone to read stories of people who have experienced similar outcomes from trauma and to read what helped them. We don’t, by the way, think it’s too late for any change or to find love still. We think a healing shift is entirely possible with the right support. We wish you courage…..

Hi Ellie, well first of all, there seems a lot RIGHT with you. Can you see that? You have friends, support, you have managed to have a boyfriend, you’ve been out there trying to get better with therapy, art and dance. I mean give yourself some credit. The thing that sticks out here is the casual way you dismiss what happened with your father when it is massive. You were abused, which is a major trauma, especially if he was jailed for it! And a major side affect of abuse is being unable to fully trust and connect with others and disassociating (feeling numb). You say you went to therapists. Did you like these therapists? Did they have experience dealing with abuse? Were they people you wanted to know? If you have trust issues therapy will not work if you are uncomfortable with the therapist. Furthermore, the wrong type of therapy could re-traumatise you. We’d suggest you look for a therapist who specialises in helping those who suffered abuse, or to consider therapies that are not about talking but about processing trauma. These include EMDR (Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) or body therapies like somatic experiencing. CBT therapy is also great. It does involve talking but about the present over the past and helps you stop all the negative thinking and thinking. Hope that helps. Finally, we’d suggest you do some research on what love really is. It’s perfectly normal not to be head over heels with your first boyfriend of 5 months. Real love is nothing like the movies or novels, it is more about feeling you can be yourself around someone and want to spend time with them. Nor do you have to want to risk your life for a friend to be a good friend. If they want to, that’s up to them.

Hi Richard, you sound like a very sensitive person. When we are sensitive, it can feel easier to shut off entirely than to love. And when things go wrong it can all feel too much, and we can feel like giving up. We are glad you have NOT given up. And it’s great that you are ready to seek help. 33 is still very young, by the way, there are actually more people than you’d expect who haven’t felt in love or had a long relationship well into their thirties, despite the media feeding us the false idea we should all be in love by 16 and set for life by 25 or so (ridiculous and not true). It’s interesting that you are sure about the age 14. It sounds like there was some kind of experience connected to that age? This is the sort of thing it would be great to go over with a therapist. You might find schema therapy interesting, or one of the therapies we recommend when it comes to relating issues http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. You also have a lot of contorted negative thinking, so if you wanted to start with a short-term therapy to help you stablise before some deep diving, then a round of CBT could be helpful. Of course when we don’t trust others and haven’t had much closeness with others, therapy can seem overwhelming at first. So don’t expect to immediately ‘like’ your therapist. Aim to find someone you think seems a good person you could relax around and trust over time. As for finding a good therapist in London, well you will find the best in the UK here, so you are lucky. It depends on your budget, but also on who you get along with. Read our articles on what to look for in a therapist and starting therapy (use the search bar, we have quite a few) so you know what to expect and what to ask. Therapy is at heart a relationship, so it can also take a few tries to get that therapist you feel a big click with. We of course do connect people with therapists, both our high end London practice https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/ and our new booking site which makes therapy accessible to all budgets https://harleytherapy.com/. But of course find the right therapist for you, that is what matters! We wish you courage.

Hi Angelo, you don’t sound like a robot. You sound like someone who is struggling with long-term PTSD, or ‘Complex Trauma’. http://bit.ly/comptrauma .Your sister dying would be enough to leave you seriously traumatised, and there might be other trauma you haven’t mentioned. Feeling numb is normal for those of us who have so much sadness and rage that we have to block it to manage. So cut yourself some slack here, this is probably you doing your best to get by in a life that has been overwhelming, are we right? There seems to be a lot of push pull and intimacy fears here as well. Sometimes after a lot of childhood trauma people develop emotional dysregulation, or even borderline personality disorder, but we couldn’t tell you if that is you as we don’t know you and you might be very different than the way you describe yourself (we tend to be hard on ourselves when we talk about ourselves!). In summary you need support. It’s just way too much to handle alone. It sounds like people rely on you to be happy and interesting all the time, too, and the other benefit of a therapist is they create a space where you can finally stop the act. We’d suggest you find a counsellor or psychotherapist to start with. If they think you need any kind of proper diagnosis, they can refer you on to a psychiatrist (although we don’t think the answer here is drugs, we are not American….. we believe that support and talk therapy can help in most cases and is a better long-term option, drugs just mask the pain over solve it.) We wish you support!

Hi ‘Tigger’, what we sense here behind all the theorising is anger and loneliness. It seems you’ve been let down by a lot of people and that your trust is very low. Unfortunately rationalising doesn’t work when it comes to emotions and emotional pain. It can keep them at bay, and make us think we are managing, but long term we simply don’t thrive. We use our mind to create a version of reality we can hide behind and helps us to feel ‘safe’, but there is no hiding, not really. We can protest all people are horrible and terrible and convince ourselves we need nobody, when deep down we want nothing but one person to see us as we truly are, behind all our defences and so called ‘intelligence’. We need to find healthy ways to face up to the issue, and possibly seek support to do so. We wish you courage. We think you deserve more in life, like healthy connection and working through your anger to a place where you can be compassionate to yourself and others. All the best.

We wonder, have you ever sat down and considered what your definition of love is? Or done some research on what healthy love looks like? Sometimes, if we grew up in environments without anyone modelling healthy love, we actually don’t have any idea what true love is as adults We think real love is some exterior force that is supposed to make us happy if we aren’t (not true), or that we should feel like the movies (definitely not true). For example, does love have to involve ‘letting go’? Letting go of what? What is this about? Do you feel ‘real love’ has to knock you over, or mean you give up a stable sense of self? Why is that? Where did you learn that? Does love feel ‘out of control’ for you? If we grew up in unhealthy environments we mistake love for things like codependency. The red flag for us here is how you say that your partner is ‘so much better than what I came from”. So on one hand you have low self-esteem, on the other you have rushed into this without healing from the previous relationship.We actually don’t think ‘it is strange’ that you aren’t bowled over in love. Sounds like there are other priorities here, such as taking care of yourself. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Hi Kate, we don’t know you and can’t tell you what is or isn’t true for you over a comment box. So as to whether this friendship is or isn’t your big problem, we can’t give you an answer, but we can say it’s unlikely simply as you are too self aware of the situation. What we’d like to talk about instead is the fact that you are 18 and that you are looking for love like the films or movies. So now come two really big mind shifts for you. Number one. Films, books, etcetera… they are created to sell products, not to tell you the truth about what love is and isn’t. Most of them sell a fake, even dangerous form of ‘love’ that sadly leaves a lot of young people feeling flawed that they haven’t found someone that instantly blows them away, or engaging in really unhealthy ‘relationships’ that mean they lose themselves, or, worse, push themselves to do things they aren’t actually comfortable with and then face long term psychological consequences. Second – 18 is actually really young and it is NORMAL to not have been in love yet. Many people don’t fall in love until their twenties or late twenties even. What we’d say is this – what if you are healthy? It sounds like you listen to your own limits, know yourself, and are surrounded by supportive friends and family, aka, are in a good situation mentally. If you don’t feel something, you listen to that. You are getting to know who you are over pretending to be in love just for the sake of ‘fitting in’. We’d say keep being you. Keep listening to your own instincts. Stop worrying about fitting into some pattern of when you are supposed to fall into ‘love’. If you want to do research, learn what real relationships look like — you can start with our relationship guide http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide and also our article on authentic relationships https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/authentic-relationships.htm. Other than that, keep doing things you love, follow your passions, love doesn’t come when we hunt it but when we are so happy being ourselves that we attract those who respect us for who we actually are. Good luck.

Hi Amber, do you also do therapy? The trouble with just taking medication is it doesn’t change the root issues. In the USA it seems like doctors just give meds without actually helping clients with therapy, which we find sad. Meds are best used to manage symptoms so that you buy time to get to root of/change issues. If you struggle with intimacy, there will be root issues, beliefs, ways of behaving in relationships, you learned as a child. Until those are addressed, with some long-term, committed therapy, it will be like you are repeating a pattern again and again.

S.C. thank you for this honest sharing. And good for you for really trying starting three years ago, that must have taken enormous amounts of courage. Look, you say you aren’t sad about it, but we are definitely hearing some loneliness here. Perhaps all that bullying has given you a strong fear of rejection. Which would give you a fear reaction to intimacy. It would just feel safer not to bother. And we don’t know you, but then there is also a chance this roots back further, that it has roots in family issues, parenting. We know you claim it’s ‘just curiosity’, but it’s also okay if you do feel sad or upset about it. It takes a lot of courage to admit we are angry or sad in this world. If you could gather up some of that courage and try therapy, we think you might find it really truly helpful. You don’t have to be sad to go to therapy, it helps us just to have breakthroughs, too. We’d suggest you have a look at our article that discusses the types of therapy that focus just on relating. http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy

Paul, on one hand, we get it. This society can feel terribly unfair, and can be shallow and horrible. And we are sorry you are feeling so down. It’s hard if we feel rejected and shunned, REALLY hard. And it’s especially hard on men. We live in a society that places so many expectations on men even as it doesn’t create enough outlets for them to talk about what deeply bothers them. We can imagine you would feel, well, we’d imagine rage, to be 37 and feel you can’t get what others around you seem to easily get. On the other hand, what a huge amount of generalisations, assumptions, and black and white thinking we find here..first, you assume all people are that shallow, which is actually unfair to millions of people and extremely judgemental. Second, you are totally generalising women in a way that implies they are all shallow, again, judgmental. Third, you are assuming women who take money for sex think they are being exploited. Then you make all kinds of definitive statements (never, never, never, never……..). It’s like you are slamming doors with every sentence. So if by any chance this is the kind of energy you give off, you might want to take some time to meditate if this is an attractive energy to others? And if the judgement you feel from others also, in any way, could possibly be coming from you? Is there is any way, deep down, you judge yourself even half this harshly? (As usually when we judge others it stems from self-judgment). We’d suggest looking at working on self compassion and how that helps attract others http://bit.ly/selfcompassionlearn. Like it or not, the fact is that plenty of men who are not deemed ‘good looking’ by today’s trend have attracted wonderful women. Sure, looks can be intriguing, but a certain point most healthy people grow up and start to seek what really matters – someone confident, kind, open, compassionate, sure of their values and living out those values. Finally, we’d say you might want to read our articles on black and white thinking http://bit.ly/blackwhitedrama and then cognitive distortions http://bit.ly/cognitivedistortionlist. We’d also ask if you’d consider CBT therapy. It is short-term, you don’t even need to talk much about your past, but it does a great job of helping change rigid negative thinking into a more balanced and useful approach. We wish you courage.

Hi Theo, we are not sure what you mean by ‘chemical block’. It’s not chemicals, it’s behavioural patterns and negative core beliefs that you learned as a child, unless you have been diagnosed with a personality disorder. We’d suggest finding a counsellor or psychotherapist you feel you could learn to trust over time and commit to the process of healing this pattern.

Maryam, we are sorry to hear all this. 22 is very young, especially if you had no dating experience before that and you went from living with your parents to living with him. It sounds like the experience was really traumatic for you and has triggered low self-esteem and anxiety. Is there anyone you can talk to? If you could access counselling, we’d highly recommend it. It might only take a few sessions of talking to someone who doesn’t judge you and you can share all these hurts with to start to feel like yourself again. Otherwise, we’d say to try ‘therapy journalling’ http://bit.ly/journalmentalhealth, and also switching your perpsective. Imagine you are your 80-year old self, able to look back at your whole life. what would your 80-year old self say? Would she tell you you are wonderful, full of love, and that this experience could be a blip in your existence if you let it? That you don’t need to feel it was your fault and that you are worthy of love? We wish you courage.

Hi Lerato, it actually sounds like pretty normal behaviour for a seventeen year old. Believe it or not, despite what movies and social media might force down our throats, you are very young to be in a serious relationship or know what love is. So, like a normal teenager, you are experimenting with relating, getting to see what works for you and not.We think you’d really benefit from reading our article on what love actually is https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm

Hi Lamya, we’d say give it time and get busy with leading your life and achieving goals instead of obsessing over romance. You are young and learning about relationships so there is no need to panic. And despite what films, TV, and social media force at us, healthy relationships are not obsessive and full of drama, and we need to be confident within ourselves first. We advise you read our article on getting ready for real love here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm

Hi Ryan, if we feel destroyed by one relationship itself then it tends to be because this relationship has triggered much older issues around love, rejection, and abandonment that come from childhood. Hence the pain is so big that we claim we want ‘nothing to do with love’ and ‘to feel nothing’. Of course this is not true. Or you would not be here, researching and reading about love. We all long to be loved, it’s a human need. And the way to stop the pain is not to try to avoid it, as you’ve learned the hard way. But to commit to looking at it square in the face and reaching out for support to get to the root of our issues with love and intimacy. We highly, highly suggest you gather up your courage and find a therapist you can grow to trust and work on all of this. Intimacy issues really can change, if we make the long term commitment to ourselves to heal. Good luck.

Hi Brandy, if you really suffer with intimacy and relating then it’s a great idea to reach out for professional support. Find a counsellor or therapist you think you can grow to trust. Good luck!

Hi Andrew, sounds lonely. Do know that if you do want that to change at all, it can. Read our article on talk therapies that do wonders for helping us connect to others http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy

Abuse breaks our capacity to trust and love. Therapy really can help, if you are brave enough to give it a go. Read our article on types of therapy that help with relating here http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy

Alex that is a HUGE question, and obviously we can’t tell you how to change your entire life over a comment. We’d say, however, that this ‘I am bad he is good’ that you are putting forward can’t be true. We are all human, all good and bad, and in relationships we are both 50% responsible. So we’d highly suggest some counselling to look at your patterns here. Why you act out and demonise yourself, why you settle for less, why you think you have to suffer in relationships. There is a LOT going on here, we would imagine it has roots way back in childhood, so this is going to require work and commitment.

Hi Starr, fear of abandonment is powerful and can hold the best of us back because it brings up an almost primal fear. We feel as if we won’t survive if we are abandoned. And abandonment issues are deep rooted, they come most often from childhood trauma. Read our article on it here http://bit.ly/fearofabandon. It’s great that you want help. Have you thought about counselling? We don’t know how old you are, but as long as you are 18, you can book a counsellor yourself. If you are a teenager, google for a mental health charity for teens, they usually have free hotlines you can call.

Hi Doug, if that is true, then wonderful, we are happy for you. Each person is unique. But we notice that you sound very angry. And also that you are here, reading an article about not being able to fall in love. If for any reason this is just defensiveness, and a part of you is craving connection with others, but you find it hard? That’s ok too. There are many of us who struggle with relating and feel really lonely. The first step to any sort of change is to stop judging ourselves for it or holding ourselves to some silly standard where we are supposed to be strong and independent and not need others. Unfortunately too many generations of men had to live up to this unrealistic standard and we find a lot of men suffer depression and isolation because of it. In fact science shows humans are tribal and need connection to thrive – lack of connection is now linked to things like poor health and even early death, it’s that powerful. All the best, HT.

Hi James, what we hear here is someone who has been rejected and is very upset. Perhaps even angry, perhaps even full of rage. And we are sorry to hear that (we have edited your comment as we don’t allow derogatory statements about other readers). Anger leaves us to make huge assumptions, such as saying that a few billion people are ‘all the same’, or glorifying a past we weren’t part of that probably had its own set of acute challenges. When we make such assumptions from anger and hurt then we are the ones who lose out. We then become like a heat seeking missile, searching to ‘prove’ we are ‘right’, and unconsciously making decisions and behaving in ways that create situations that DO ‘prove’ us right. We end up driving away the very things we deep down want very badly – like love and acceptance. We’d suggest you read our article on core beliefs http://bit.ly/corebeliefsholdyouback and also on rejection https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-handle-rejection.htm. Good luck!

Hi Richard, thank you, glad you enjoyed the piece! And great to hear you are in London, plus have met someone, not always easy in this city. Yes, attachment issues can be a doozy. What you aren’t alone in is having them. What we notice here is an edge of being hard on yourself….’needing’ to become someone else who is ‘good'(implying you aren’t). Just know that most people have their own set of issues, we all have a shadow side, and there really is nobody who likes themselves all the time. Acceptance is a powerful thing – accepting who we are right now, right here, and feeling compassion for that person, regardless. You might find the latest concept of self-compassion interesting http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT, or even compassion-focussed therapy something to look into http://bit.ly/compassionbased. Best, HT.

Hi Daniel, there are a lot of assumptions being made here. That if you don’t ‘give your life’ for someone it’s not love is an example of an assumption, and sounds more like a Hollywood movie than reality. Or that you must spend tons of time with someone to love them, another assumption you seem to be making. We all have our own ways of loving and there are far healthier definitions, such as love being to allow someone to be themselves fully and appreciating them for who they are. So maybe you love your children more than you want to admit but are making excuses here. So who is really suffering and being hurt here? We’d suggest you point the finger at yourself. As you sound lonely. So we’d say that we don’t believe you, to be honest. That you wouldn’t be here reading this article if there wasn’t something in you that was not happy with this setup you’ve made in your mind. There are indeed people who naturally need little connection, but our instinct is that you are not one of them but there are experiences in your life that have left you alienated from the very things you want. All things that can be worked on and changed if you can be brave enough to decide enough is enough. Best, HT.

Hi there Hailey, in general we do find that young people today have a very unrealistic idea of what love is, fed by very unrealistic media representation, and place pressure on themselves to be ‘in love’ when it’s not the end all and be all of life. We recommend you read our article on what love is about and how to prepare for real love https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-want-to-fall-in-love-how-to.htm. Best, HT

Hi Mary, if you know that sexual abuse happened, it is likely related. And we highly suggest you seek counselling to heal this past experience. But if you do not have any memory of sexual abuse, then it could be all sorts of things. Many people don’t experience first love until later in life (life is not like the movies in the end). Others are naturally asexual or demi sexual. It could even be that you don’t know yourself and what you do or don’t like, so are not yet able to know what you want from others. All things worth discussing with a counsellor or psychotherapist. Best, HT

Hi Mehmet, so what you are making clear here is that you have seen yourself, others, and the world differently than the ‘norm’ since at least adolescence. We don’t know you or your history, and we can’t diagnose anyone over the internet, obviously.A diagnosis is very thorough and takes into account a person’s life history. But given just what you told us, you might want to look into personality disorders. It’s a terrible world, we don’t like it, we would rather say ‘personality differences’ that mean you see things differently. For example you are describing Schizoid personality disorder. If you are happy with your life then no problem. But if you want to know how to get along better with those around you when they all think and feel differently then getting a diagnosis and seeking support can be useful.

Hi Mehmet, sounds very complicated. As people we are. this is why we don’t diagnose over a comment, like we said. You need to take the step to talk to someone. A psychotherapist or counselling psychologist. Over the course of a few sessions you can discuss all this and they can help you realise what is really driving your dislike of intimacy.

Hi Stella, if we have very low self-esteem then we don’t like ourselves, let alone love ourselves, so then we can find love a strange concept as we are locked in by our own self-hatred. We don’t know you or him, we can’t say if you do or don’t love him, if it’s just your own self-hatred in the way or if you are stay with him for other reasons. What we can say is you could really benefit from support. This level of self hatred is serious, and no wonder you feel so lonely, you don’t even want to be around yourself. We’d suggest that you seek counselling or psychotherapy. Find someone you feel fairly comfortable with and can grow to trust. They’ll create a safe, non judgemental space for you to get to the root of all this. And note that these kinds of patterns can be totally changed. It’s not overnight, or even fast. It requires commitment and hard work. But we can move from lost, lonely, and full of self-hate to love. Best, HT.

Tanuva, you are really young. And here’s the thing. Relationships are tricky, complex, so is love. And there are tons of highs and lows and disappointments along the way. And the hard truth we all realise is that we’ve been lied to- love is NOTHING like the movies and books we have pushed upon us. So first things first, to let you know that it’s NORMAL to not be in love at seventeen, NORMAL to have trust issues, to not want to depend on others. Adolescence is the time we learn who we are, what identity we want, who we want to be, what values we want. We question, reject, question, get upset, reject. It’s a learning curve. There is nothing wrong with you. You sound a normal, searching, questioning, healthy teen to us. What we’d say is, give yourself space to learn, to make mistakes, to get back up and try again. When you are ready. Some people only fall in proper love for the first time in their late twenties or thirties. Again, life is NOT the movies. Then we’d say, educate yourself on what love is and isn’t. What healthy relationships actually are. Read, for example, our guide to relationships http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide and authentic relationships https://bit.ly/authrelate. Then put the word ‘love’ into our search bar and you’ll find all sorts of articles on what love is and isn’t and how to attract love. So go easy on yourself. Best, HT

There is no exact definition of ‘love’. In fact that question has been the subject of philosophy for hundreds of years. What is certain is that love is not like what movies and novels want us to believe. It doesn’t fall out of the sky and blind us (that would be lust). What we do have a reasonably good definition of is a healthy relationship vs an unhealthy one. And that means love requires work and commitment, it doesn’t fix our lives or mean we become someone else, and it shouldn’t feel addictive or make us forget who we are. As to whether or not love involves good sex, that is up to you. Some people require a strong physical attraction, other people are quite happy in relationships without it. We think you might want to start with our article on healthy relationships https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm. Finally, we get a lot of letters from young people like this. And we’d like to say, don’t stress so much about love. There is far too much pressure on young people to ‘be in love’ and some false idea that you are ‘supposed to’ be in love. In fact many people don’t find a relationship they like or love until their late twenties or even thirties, it’s normal. Best, HT

Sorry, it’s just a mixup, it should read schizoid personality disorder. It’s been fixed. Best, HT.

Hi there Ella, we don’t know how old you are. If you are by chance a teenager, a lot of these feelings are actually perfectly normal. Teen years are fierce. Your brain is actually still growing, your body is flooded with hormones, and you are trying to figure out who the heck you even are in the middle of being told what to do by parents and teachers. Some teens deal with this time by being reserved and shut down. When you are old enough to move out things suddenly make more sense as you start to have autonomy and make your own choices. Best, HT.

It’s certain one opinion. But how is it actually working for you, given you are researching why you can’t fall in love? We’d suggest you question where these types of questions come from. Do they come from openness, or anger and shame? From being in the moment, or from previous rejections?

Hi Pauline, what does ‘had therapy all your life’ mean? Have you done long term therapy with a therapist you felt you could trust? And that you got to choose yourself? Or have you worked with therapists only randomly, on and off, and because you were given them by the state? If you don’t trust anyone after a lot of therapy, either the therapists were terrible, or there is a possibility of an undiagnosed personality disorder. When it comes to trust issues, CBT is simply the wrong therapy (despite being a very good therapy proven by a vast body of research). It’s a very clinical brain based therapy and has little to no focus on the client therapist relationship. While it might have helped with the black and white thinking we see in your comment, or to stablise you if your trust issues comes from trauma, it wouldn’t work for trust issues and is only a starter therapy. We’d suggest schema therapy or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) now you’ve learned CBT. Best, HT.

Hi there Ida. Unfortunately, and we are sorry if this is hard to hear, but what you are describing isn’t love. It’s romance addiction coupled with codependency. You are using other people to feel alive, when that has to be sourced from within you, not from someone else or a relationship. Of course everyone is letting you down. You are asking someone else to be something that is unrealistic. Nobody else can provide your sense of self, only you can. Pleasing others might seem on the surface that you are kind and giving, but it’s codependency. You are giving to try to make them love you. It’s actually manipulation in a pretty dress. We come across a lot of young people with these sorts of ideas and issues, and it’s hardly surprising given the false forms of ‘love’ that film and TV offer. But this is real life, and it’s very different. Love is about being able to be yourself around someone, not about butterflies. It’s about being supported to be your best self, and accepting and supporting the other in equal measure. We highly, highly recommend you read our guide to healthy relationships http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide then use our search bar to find our articles on romance addiction, codependency, and unhealthy relationships. Finally, codependency, pleasing others and using them to feel alive, is a serious issue that would come from your childhood, and if you had the courage, it would be a great idea to reach out for some counselling. If this seems boring, we just want to say that real love isnt’ boring at all. It isn’t butterflies every day, but being seen and accepted just as you are and learning how to be a safe space for someone else are actually much more exciting than butterflies in the long run. Final thing – there is nothing wrong with you. You just need some new ways of seeing and behaving, but these are all things you can learn. All the best, HT.

Hi Mark, we don’t know you. We are not going to tell you you are loveable and attractive. In general, if you can’t be in a relationship, then there is a relating issue. You are presenting yourself and interacting in ways that aren’t loveable or attractive at all, whether you realise it or not. We all have many sides. We can choose to live from our loveable, connecting side, or we can choose to live from our other sides. This comment, for example, shows a sense of entitlement. Which isn’t going to attract anyone. We’d highly recommend you seek therapy. Here is our article on therapies that help with relating. http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy

You say ‘treatment’. What does that mean? Medication? Medication only masks symptoms, unfortunately, doesn’t heal any root issues. Have you actually found a therapist you think you could grow to trust and dug into some of this? There’s a lot going on here. There are a lot of assumptions and cognitive distortions, which can look like black and white thinking. And there might also be a certain amount of relating issues. Often with rejection we are unconsciously choosing the very people who are most likely to reject another all the while convincing ourselves things are ‘perfect’ (which is actually your first clue, no relationship is perfect, if you think it is, or put anyone on a pedestal, you are likely carrying out some sort of pattern and tricking yourself in order to unconsciously prove a belief true such as ‘everyone rejects me’). And by doing this we essentially reject ourselves. All these things — thinking errors, unconscious beliefs and patterns, and relating issues — are things we can change if we commit to accepting we have a lot more agency than we have wanted to accept, might not be as much of a victim as we’ve been telling ourselves we are, and really decide to do the work to recognise and change our patterns. So sure, you can have breakdowns if you prefer. But we think there are other ways to deal with all this and that perhaps it’s time to look at this ‘everyone rejects me’ story and change it, starting with questioning that story about 6th grade. We get that it felt horrible and was horrible. When you were in sixth grade. But with your adult perspective, what new information might you have about that experience? And the way children act with each other? Who might you be if you allowed yourself to see that story differently? Don’t think we don’t get that loneliness and rejection are horrific and draining and push us to our very limits. We do. But we also know from all our work with clients that the human spirit is resilient, that life can change and people can change, if they have the courage to do the difficult work.Best, HT.

Hi there. What we would recommend is that you take a big breath, slow down, way down, and learn about what love actually is. Sorry to break it to you, it’s NOT what we see in the movies or fairy tales. Love comes from actually knowing someone and living through experiences with them. It’s not some instant thing that happens with someone you just met. This is simply lust and romantic ‘love’, not real lasting love. You probably feel anxious because the wiser inner part of you realises this and is trying to tell you something isn’t right here, that this is too fast and not healthy for you. How can someone love you after one month? They hardly know you. And at aged 21 you probably hardly know yourself, either. Please read our guide on healthy adult relationships here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm Then try to relax and trust yourself. You are very, very young. You are just learning who you are. Focus on knowing yourself and growing your self confidence and following your dreams. Take the time to read about relationships and love and be present to what life is, not what you want it to be. Life is not a movie, it’s an experience best taken one day at a time. And listen to yourself. If it doesn’t feel right, then why push yourself? You know what is best for you. Listen to your instincts. Slow down. You don’t owe anyone else anything. You owe yourself self care, and to listen to yourself. There is no rush to find love. Real love rarely comes so young because, again, we don’t know ourselves. There are millions of people out there, but one you, and you need to learn to trust yourself. Best, HT.

What’s interesting Ronya is that you say you don’t want a codependent relationship then go on to describe very codependent behaviours. Being what the other person wants, focussing on pleasing others, manipulating others to depend on you then turning around and blaming them for doing so. These are all codependency. So all of this will come from your childhood. Somewhere along the way you learned you have to ‘earn’ love, that you don’t deserve it just as you are. So what are you going to do about this? Are you going to continue to suffer and hurt yourself and others, or are you going to gather up your courage and seek help? Best, HT.

Hi Gavin, we are going to guess you are a teenager. We say that as we want you to take a big breath over all this and try not to panic. You see it’s essentially quite normal to feel these sorts of things as a teen. It’s the time in our life we start to realise who we are, apart from our family, we start to decide on the identity that we will rely on for the rest of our lives. The more we question who we are, the more we can naturally question everyone around us, and the more we realise we have to depend on ourselves and not them, as people are essentially unreliable (yes, we start to see these essential negatives, the positives come later when we are more stable and mature, teens tend to be blinded by negatives) the more we decide everyone is crap and we trust, well, nobody. That we don’t care. So explore this. Don’t judge yourself for it. Explore how it relates to you. Do you trust yourself? As you can’t actually trust others if you don’t trust yourself. As for love, teens also have some media-related idea of love that is sadly not real. Love comes from shared experience and, yes, trust. Many people don’t fall into love until their late twenties or even later. It’s normal, life is not a film. And relating and developing close bonds also comes later for many of us if we come from families that aren’t close. You’ll find that once you move out of home that you start to explore this more. Now what DOES throw a red flag here is that you have anxiety. So it is also possible that there is a root to all of this, that there were childhood experiences that knocked your sense of self and identity. So on one hand, don’t panic, you are a teen, and being a teen is tough, get through one day at a time. Try to focus on the things that make you feel okay, like hobbies and interests and sleep and exercise. On the other hand, do seek support for that anxiety. You say you have nobody to talk to, what about the school counsellor? That’s what they are there for. Also, would you be able to tell your parents you’d like to find someone to talk to? We have an article here that helps you learn how to approach this with them http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Also google for help lines for teens in your country, if you are in the UK we have a list here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Best, HT.

Hi Nathalie, that’s great to hear you are considering counselling! We imagine it will be very helpful. We’d just say that 23 is very young and not to feel strange if you haven’t found love or a relationship yet. Films and movies present us with a false idea where everyone is falling in love non stop and in high school, for example. And we get so, so many letters from young people feeling there is something wrong with them that they are not in love. There isn’t. The reality is that many people don’t fall in love until much later. And it can be better to just focus on relating in general. Dating just for fun without rushing in just to learn how to interact, how to be yourself around others, joining social groups (once the pandemic dies down) and interacting with others who you share interests with. When we approach all interactions with others with the idea we are looking for love we end up struggling to be ourselves, stressing ourselves out, or, worse, rushing into things that aren’t right for us. Keep the focus on you, on following your passions, learning how to be yourself and like yourself, and the rest will fall into place at the right moment. best, HT.

Hi Mana, so here’s the thing. Love is actually not about always thinking about someone, thinking they are the only one in the world who can make us feel alive, etc, etc. This is ‘movie love’, sure. It’s not what love actually is here in real life. This sort of thinking is instead more of a coping mechanism to avoid real relating, and hides a fear of intimacy. We’d guess your childhood wasn’t easy, you didn’t feel loved, is this true? You didn’t feel special or good enough. So now by creating this fantasy ‘one and only love’ you have the perfect excuse to avoid real, messy, in your face relationships. You see what love actually is is simply finding someone you can be your full self around and be accepted, even as you can do the same for them, sharing values that unite you and connect you in special ways. Real love is being vulnerable, but not needing someone, just wanting them. Real love is living our life but having someone also living their life running a parallel line with us. Not some crazed feeling that we can’t live without someone, which is extremely unhealthy. Again, life is not a movie. So we recommend you start looking at your blocks to relating, and learn about what real relationships are. Read our guide to relationships here http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide and use our search bar to find all our relating articles as a good start. Focus on your goals and passions, not on this woman or any woman, live your values. Meet others as a by product of being yourself and living your best life. And then seek professional support for any unhealthy relating issues from your childhood. Best, HT.

Hi Thea. So we would say that reading this, we don’t think this is about not being able to love. We think it’s about confusing what love is and isn’t. You see love isn’t like the movies or books. When we are young, if we haven’t had healthy relating modelled to us by the adults around us, we might have no idea. We think some big magic thing will find us and totally change who we are, and ‘save’ us from ourselves. Unforunately…. nope. Love is NOT actually about forgetting our pain or losing ourselves. If that is what we are seeking in others, we are using relationships addictively, in an unhealthy way, or are codependent, having no real grounded sense of self but gaining it from what others think of you and by pleasing/impressing others. Healthy love is simply about finding someone you feel safe to be your full self around, good and bad, who can accept and support all of you. In return you do the same for them. You both are independent people with your own lives, but you support each other and can depend on each other should you CHOOSE to. Not because you NEED to. In love, going through pain or hurt doesn’t mean the relationship falters or ends. Why would it? We all go through hard times. If we are actually in love, we feel those feelings and the other person gives us our space to process but is there as needed (we do need to take responsibility for processing our own emotions, remember, you are not dependent on the other, they are not responsible to fix your difficult feelings, you are). In summary it sounds to us like you just learning about what relating is and isn’t, and are in your learning curve veering towards codependency and addictive use of dating. The push/pull arises when we are in a relationship as we are using it to avoid pain (addictive behaviour), so we get the high/low and pull/push. The fact that you were then immediately seeking someone else also seems like there might be an addictive need to have attention here. What was your childhood like? Did your parents or guardians leave you feeling safe to be yourself? Were you loved and accepted even if you were sad or grumpy? Or did you have to be good/pretend to be happy to receive attention and love? What did you learn about what love is/isn’t as a child? Was there any trauma that affected your sense of self? What we’d suggest is that you take your attention off seeking love and boys and you put it squarely on yourself. Work on yourself and your own happiness. It’s when we are centred in ourselves, living for ourselves, and our own sense of purpose, that love finds us, not when we are seeking happiness and a solution outside of ourselves. Note that that foggy feeling also comes when we are addictive relating cycles. If you had the budget, or at a college that offers it low cost or free, all of this would be well worth working with a counsellor on. Otherwise we advise you use our search bar to read all our articles on love, relating, relationships, codependency, and love addiction. We also have a guide about what a healthy relationship is here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/healthy-relationships-help-guide.htm. We are sorry if this feels disappointing. But we promise you that real love, based on authenticity, is a far better experience than any of the false kinds you’ve been sold. Finally, again, you are young. It’s a learning curve. Relating can be tricky, and there will be mistakes along the way. Remember that the person who really needs to love you the most is you. Best, HT.

Gosh Sam that sounds a struggle. What type of therapy did you try? As it seems you’ve got all the mumbo jumbo given to you, all the ‘terms’, but did you actually work with a therapist who understood you, who connected with you, who helped you with trauma?! Some forms of therapy, by the way, in some cases can exacerbate trauma and do not work at all, if you experienced childhood trauma you really need trauma-based therapy. We’d recommend you read our article on trauma therapy here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Note that some of the shorter term ones, which help you stabilise, don’t even require that you talk much about the past (talking immediately about your past trauma if you haven’t learned how to work from a stable place can just leave you in a constant triggered state). CBT, EMDR, clinical hypnotherapy, BWRT, for example. Then with this sort of attachment disorder you’d really need, once stabilised, to work with a therapist who can develop a strong bond with you, teach you how to relate, like a schema therapist. In summary, not all therapists are great, and not all types of therapy work for everything, but we certainly wouldn’t give up on this. And they could help you look at what keeps you making choices again and again to be unhappy, such as this marriage. Best, HT.

Hi Sam, yes that makes sense that would not work. It doesn’t feel to us, just based on what you have told us, a sexual problem, despite the symptom being sexual issues. And you and your wife are trapped in a schema, it’s quite common that this happens, we end up in a relationship with someone with a matching issue, a plug for our socket, that keeps the issue endlessly fired up. She has insecurities, which creates a high level of need, which hits your own issue of fearing expectations, which creates distance, which creates more insecurity in her, on and on it goes. The more you would focus on the sexual issue instead of just general communication and honesty, the more the insecurity/fear pattern would just grow. Plus evidently she was petulant about therapy together, which won’t work. Sounds like you could both benefit from individual therapy, on the other hand. Seems a lot to explore here, way beyond sex. Such as exploring your loneliness that you briefly mention. Best, HT.

Hi there Marie, thanks for sharing your viewpoint. Relationships are certainly about compromise, no doubt about that. Best, HT.

Hi Mus’ab, There is no magical answer. Relating is a skill, and love is a challenge. And the answers to our life problems come from us. First of all, note there is nothing strange about not being in love for five years. Life is not a Hollywood film or book, love is not around every corner nor is it some magical thing that fixes everything. And it’s perfectly healthy to take time between relationships, or even to choose to be alone, more healthy than thinking we are in love every five minutes! If we do want to be in a loving relationship, and find we have troubles attracting or connecting with others, we need to start by looking at what our own issues are. What beliefs do we have that hold us back, what unresolved childhood experiences have left us in unhealthy relating patterns. And are we relating with others in ways that draw them close, or push them away? Do we actually like ourselves? As hard to love another if we are in a constant state of dislike for ourselves. In summary, work on yourself, there are many books and courses out there, and seek support in the form of a coach, counsellor, or therapist if possible, it makes the process faster and easier!Then work on following your dreams in life. We naturally attract others most when we are living a life aligned with our personal values and that makes us feel like life has meaning. Best, HT.

Hi Kathy, first of all, congratulations for gathering your courage and deciding it’s time to get a bit of support! We think you’ll find it very beneficial. We’d need to know more about you to really say, such as perhaps a bit more info on where you think these intimacy issues arise from. For example if it’s from trauma, we have an article on trauma based therapies here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. Otherwise, if you just wanted to start by working on your thinking and lowering your anxiety, without going deeply into your past, CBT might be a good short-term therapy to start with, it’s all about learning to have more balanced thinking and it’s present-day based. From there you could move into a more comprehensive therapy. If just working on your thoughts doesn’t sound right, you might want to look for an ‘integrative therapist’ who is trained in several types of approaches. Picking a therapist can be like dating itself, it can take a few tries to get the right ‘click’, so if after about 3 or 4 sessions it’s not working, don’t give up, just be honest that you think you need to try someone else. Note that we have many articles on here on how to find a therapist like this one http://bit.ly/findgoodtherapist. If all this seems overwhelming and you are looking for a London-based therapist you can just pick up the phone and give our team a ring they will be happy to advise you on who might be a match 020 8003 4172. All the best, HT.

Hi there Max. Being a teen is hard. We are trying to understand who we are, and find our own independent identity, at the same time as our hormones are all over the place and our brain is actually still growing. Sometimes we can want someone to ‘save’ us from it all. Like, say, some magical love interest that will just make life all better. Unfortunately, real life isn’t a Disney film. In fact most films and tv give us an idea of ‘love’ that isn’t really love at all, to be honest. Crushes are just crushes, they feel exciting and great, but they aren’t based on actually knowing someone. Love is about knowing someone and developing bonds of trust where you learn how to be yourself around someone, and support them to be themselves. You are 15. You have a lot of time to learn about relating, about what love is, to make mistakes, to grow from those mistakes, to grow up. You aren’t numb to anything, you are 15 and learning about who you are and what life is. Our best advice is, stop putting your focus ‘out there’ on some magical movie love and start putting your focus ‘in here’ on yourself and your life. The person who can love you most in life is the person looking back at you in the mirror. And the more you take the time to learn who he is, what his dreams are, his goals, his values, outside of anyone else’s input, the more you start to like that guy, the more the right people will just naturally come into your life who share those values and dreams. Also, don’t get so overfocused on love you neglect your relationships with friends and family. Learning to relate well with everyone around you then makes you better at relating in a romantic fashion. Relationship skills grow and need practise, they are things we can read about and study and learn. You can start by putting ‘love’ and ‘relating’ in the search bar above to find articles like this one. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/love-or-infatuation.htm In the mean time, give yourself a break. You’re a teen. You are figuring things out. Your comment seems a perfectly normal teen strain of thought to us. One day at a time! By the way, many people don’t fall in love until their twenties or older. So you have time. Best, HT.

Hey Johnathan, you could always seek some counselling, and then a therapist could support you through dating and provide a space to troubleshoot issues that arise. We aren’t sure about the term ‘get better’ as we are always messy as humans, if it isn’t one thing, it’s another! That’s what being human is like. But yes, it can help with relating if we are feeling at least stable. If the other person is right for us, they will like us regardless our issues, as long as they can see we are working them out and not projecting them….but if our issues mean we just push people away, then again, best to get some support to work that out. Best, HT.

Hi Gaby, this is not something you can fix in a comment. You’ve spent your life becoming this person, and you need to make a proper commitment to sorting this out. It is the perfect sort of thing to work with a therapist on. It won’t be easy, you’ll be looking at how you developed your beliefs, your ideas about love, but it will definitely be worth it, as this can all change if you commit to working through it. Best, HT.

Hi Cameron, being human isn’t a mathematical equation. We are all unique, and complicated. If you have all these issues, remember it took a lifetime of experiences to get here. You can’t just find an instant fix. If we had the instant fix to solving all intimacy issues and finding love we’d surely be seen as god and be zillionaires! Jokes aside, the point being that rather than wasting time searching for an instant solution it’s best to accept that you need to decide to take the healing journey one step at at a time and look at what is behind these issues, all while working to raise your self-compassion and learning relating skills that you actually practice bit by bit. A faster route to all of this can undoubtedly be working with a therapist, who gives you support but also accountability. But there are also many good books, forums, and self help courses that can be a good start. And if you use the search bar and search for our articles on relationships (there are many) you will find many useful tips on here. Best, HT.

Hi Micah, having a low sense of identity is actually a side effect of childhood trauma, which you’ve experienced. Have you ever reached out for support on all this? We’d highly suggest you do. We can get so used to living with depression and anxiety we think it is all there is for us, but, actually, depression and anxiety are highly treatable with talk therapy. They don’t change overnight, but with a commitment and the courage to reach out for help you might be surprised at what can change. If you are on a low income, we have an article on how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. If you are in the UK, your GP can refer you for a free round of CBT therapy which we think would be a great starting point for you, it is short term and doesn’t even mean you have to talk about your past, it helps you move from dark thoughts to more helpful, balanced ones. Note that you will not like therapy at first, it will feel threatening and scary, because you don’t trust anyone and therapists are people. So it’s about sticking it out despite your fears and learning through your relationship with your therapist how to trust. As for why love is important, connection is important. Human brains need it to thrive. It’s connected to good health and longevity. We are essentially pack animals, we do better with some form of connection. In fact in the last century orphanages had very high death rates and they realised it was because the babies were literally dying from lack of human touch. Best, HT.

Hi there. So we’d say this has nothing to do with love at all. Let us explain. We’d say this is likely a trauma response. We’d pretty much bet money that you had a traumatic childhood or one that contained neglect, where you didn’t receive the love and attention you needed to thrive unless you pleased the adults you relied on. What you are talking about, pleasing others, is codependency, not love. It’s giving with strings attached, which is actually a form of manipulation some of us learn is love growing up so as adults we don’t realise that love is actually a safe space to be supported to be yourself and to support someone else to be themselves. Trauma as a child is also behind extreme hurt reactions when perceiving you are abandoned and self destructive behaviours like drinking to excess. So this is not about him, or the next man, or love, it’s about you and the pain inside that keeps rearing up it’s head when you perceive you might be rejected or abandoned. It’s about the fact that probably deep down you struggle to like yourself, too. So what we’d say is there is not instant answer. There is gathering all your courage and deciding you are going to do your best to heal, then stepping out and finding some support for that journey, whether that is a counsellor or a therapist, or for now reading a lot of books on codependency and loving and surviving traumatic childhoods (although we highly suggest therapy). And learning, slowly, bit by bit, how to relate to yourself and others in constructive and not destructive ways. Hope that helps. Best, HT.

Hi Freja, you’d be amazed to learn that many people share these worries with you. What we’d suggest is that you work with a counsellor on all these fears. These are the perfect kind of issues to take to therapy and issues that therapy can really help with. If you want to start with a therapy that doesn’t talk much about the past, CBT might be a good start, it’s a short term therapy that works on helping you recognise when the thoughts you think as true are actually assumptions, and then how to stop such thoughts sending you cycles of low mood and taking negative actions that leave you stuck in life. Best, HT.

Hi there. So here’s the thing, modern ideas of romantic ‘love’ do not necessarily equate to ‘love’ that is worth investing in. A relationship doesn’t work because of ‘love’ but because of respect, trust, good communication, and trust. And let’s remember that a lot of abusers tell their victims that they ‘love’ them. So if you can’t trust him, and you have factual reasons not to do so, worth listening to that. Real love, and not just lust/codependency/need, feels safe. If you NEVER trust anyone, then that’s another issue. Whether it’s your issue or you are simply attracted to unreliable, untrustworthy people, both are longstanding issues with roots in childhood and we recommend you seek therapy. Best, HT.

Hi Maria, sounds exhausting and very dramatic and confusing, both of your comments. What’s interesting is that you never seem to consider the option of maybe just being with neither. If the ex husband is abusive and you aren’t in love with current boyfriend, what is so wrong with maybe being by yourself and stopping all the drama long enough to focus on you? And learn what love actually is as opposed to these addictive patterns and trauma bonds you are caught in? You say you have gone through therapists and they ‘abandon’ you. What does that look like? Do they actually tell you they won’t work with you or do you decide they don’t like you and leave? You see you are exhibiting all the classic signs of BPD, borderline personality disorder (black and white thinking, self harm, push/pull relationships, addictive relationships, emotional dysregulation and intensity, oversensitivity, etc) did any of your therapists look at this with you? This is not a diagnosis, obviously, we don’t know you, but even just borderline traits would mean you are not going to feel comfortable with any therapist at first, and many forms of therapy won’t work for you. You’d need a form of therapy directly geared to these issues, like schema therapy or dialectical therapy, and you’d need to stick it out even if you felt rejected or unliked, as those are often just thoughts we can have with BPD over reality, and you’d need to be very careful not to sabotage your own progress. In summary, we suspect you do know what to do, but it would feel boring and scary. The problem is that abusive relationships are exciting. To heal we need to accept that the road forward and therapy will be boring at times, and difficult at times. But these kinds of dramatic relationships are actually dangerous. They slowly diminish us psychologically and emotionally and even physically. So the choice is up to you, it’s your life, but we’d suggest that you deserve better. Best, HT.

Hi Robin, there is a lot going on here. What we’d advise is to do a lot of research on what love is and isn’t, as it’s not what you see in films, which have nothing to do with real healthy relating. Passion and sparks can happen at the start of some relationships but otherwise that is lust, flings, or just are Hollywood films. Real love and intimacy can and always does have long periods without passion and spark as it’s based on authenticity, safety, growth, and mutual support, the spark can come and go. We have articles on here about all angles of love and relationship, including what love is or isn’t, use our search bar to find them. As for why you get anxious in a relationship, that is a huge question, we don’t know you so we can’t say. It could be it is because you are dating people you think you ‘should’ like over who you actually like, or as you have issues with relating arising from childhood, the latter is more likely if you have an attraction to troubled people as this only happens if the truth is that in some way we are troubled ourselves. So we’d advise you find a counsellor or therapist you think you could grow to trust and start the journey of self, of getting to know yourself and healing your past. Note that there are many therapies out there that focus on relationships and can help you learn better relating skills. Best, HT.