Addictive Relationships – 15 Signs You Might Be In One
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
January 20, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
With someone and it’s an experience unlike any other, for better and for worse? And you are worried you might be in an addictive relationship?
Learn the signs to look for and what to do next.
What is an addictive relationship?
We have long understood that love, by it’s very nature, can feel addictive. Research from as far back as 1999, for example, shows that it sets off chemicals in the brain during its lusty beginnings that are similar to the chemical pathways of OCD, accounting for why we can feel obsessed. But note this feeling was found to level out in healthier couples at around the 12 to 18 month mark.
By: frankieleon
But a properly addictive relationship that is dangerous for your wellbeing is not just about feeling like you’ve lost your head or a bit obsessed. I
It has the same hallmark as any other serious addiction in that you increasingly lose sight of who you are. You stop taking care of yourself in favour of what you are addicted to.
What are the signs you are in an addictive relationship?
If several items on the below list sounds close to home, you might be in an addictive relationship.
1. Things are difficult more than they are smooth.
It’s healthy for all relationships to at times feel difficult. You might feel anger or frustration towards your partner, and you will experience conflict. These are all a normal part of learning each others boundaries.
But if you are constantly talking about the relationship instead of your lives and interests? And if conflict and drama seems to happen almost every time you are together? There’s a good chance your relationship is an addictive one.
2. Your relationship leaves you on top of the world one day, really low the next.
Addictive relationships can be like drugs in the sense that when the two of you have good moments, it’s so good it’s like nothing else matters. Of course when you fight or you try to leave, there will then be the inevitable crash followed by feeling awful.
You might even feel physically sick if you try to walk away from an addictive relationship, manifesting similar symptoms to someone withdrawing from a drug.
3. Your mind thinks about the relationship non-stop.
By: zoetnet
You will find that you are constantly running over in your head what is and isn’t working with your relationship. (If not increasingly making your friends listen to this conversation, which in itself can be addictive).
You might start to get behind at work as your mind is not focussed. Or find yourself less interested in being around your friends, because you are preoccupied.
Watch out for a list of excuses you add to and replay to yourself. Excuses like, “It just needs more time”. Or, “Maybe she’s not as bad as I think, and I’m being too picky”.
4. You just never feel your best self in this relationship.
It’s odd, as you are usually so funny/ warm/ kind/ laid back. But in this relationship it’s like you are someone else. You are uptight, sour, nitpicking, you can’t relax… and you don’t know why.
In fact sometimes you might not feel yourself at all. And if you do try to be yourself, you are criticised or teased. So you find yourself instead working to be someone or something else.
5. You have a nervous feeling inside all the time.
The nervousness can be accompanied by ongoing anxiety, or even mild depression.
This starts because the push-pull patterns of addictive relationships trigger childhood issues that can include feeling unloveable, unsafe, or abandoned.
At the worst end of the spectrum, addictive relationships can leave you so low you even consider suicide.
6. You have begun to question who you really are.
By: .estelle f.
A good relationship strengthens your values and helps you move forwards towards your goals. An addictive relationship tends to throw off your inner compass because it does not support who you are.
Another thing that goes in addictive relationships is personal boundaries. This sees you often doing things you used to not even like, always going along with what the other person says, and letting them make all the decisions instead of tapping into what you think and feel.
You might find yourself questioning not just your values, but also your hobbies and interests, the future you want, and even who your friends are.
7. Your self-esteem is not what it was.
Not only do addictive relationships tend to be full of conflict or putdowns that lower your self-esteem, but the inner conflict between the part of you that knows you should leave and the other part that feels helpless can lead to a lot of inner criticism and negative thoughts about yourself that are very damaging.
8. You seem to always be tired or sick lately.
Addictive relationships create an ongoing stress that leaves your cortisol levels raised, which can leave you tired and with a lowered immune system, always catching colds and flu.The anxiety addictive relationships cause can also cause sleep problems.
9. You feel oddly lonely despite being with someone.
Addictive relationships often happen between people who actually have little in common beyond the drama they create between them. You might have different values and world views, not be on the same wavelength, and not really share many hobbies. This leads to feeling misunderstood and alone.
10. You have been turning to other addictive behaviours lately.
By: Brad.K
The highs and lows of an addictive relationship can also trigger other additive behaviours like overeating, alcoholism, and drug abuse.
11. You talk about your interests and passions less and less, if at all.
Addictive relationships don’t celebrate your strengths and encourage you. If you don’t feel comfortable talking about your passions or interests, or are hiding parts of your life for fear of being judged, there is a good chance it is only the addictive element that is keeping you in a situation that is clearly not supporting you.
12. You’ve begun acting out in ways you aren’t proud of.
It’s not uncommon for the conflict and frustration of an addictive relationship leaving you acting out in ways that are not your usual personality. If you are usually a kind person but are constantly being criticised in the relationship, you might find you eventually turn and start being ruthless and mean right back. Or you might find yourself keeping secrets when usually you are an honest and upfront sort.
It’s common in addictive relationships to also resort to power plays. This is where you are secretly doing things in order to get a sense of control, instead of feeling you can safely ask for what you need from your partner. This can include things like being judgemental, insisting on being right, breaking promises, holding out on what you know the other needs from you, or giving advice but never letting them give you any.
13. The rest of your life is neglected or falling apart.
Drama is exhausting. It means that you have maybe put hobbies on hold, stopped seeing friends so much, and dropped some of your self-care routine like exercising or taking time to make healthy meals for yourself. It’s also common for your money situation to be a problem when you are distracted by an addictive relationship.
14. You hide things about the relationship from friends and family.
As with all addictions, a part of you knows that what you are doing is not healthy, even if you are not able to consciously admit it to yourself. This can manifest in hiding certain situations or facts from friends and family to make things look better than they are.
15. Even though you often want to leave, the truth is, you just can’t.
On the days you panic and do want to leave the relationship, you suddenly feel entirely powerless. The you who can be in charge at work, or make good decisions financially, suddenly can’t be strong enough to tell your partner what you feel.
You might feel very intense panic or even fear at the idea of breaking up. It’s as if your logic mind can’t control waves of strong emotion.
If you do leave, you come right back and have a makeup that makes you feel ‘saved’ and relieved. You might have an ongoing pattern of breaking up and getting back together.
What should I do if I think I am an addictive relationship?
Acknowledgement and self-honesty is a huge step forward. So first of all, congratulate yourself for your strength.
The next step is to seek support. It might first be in the form of educating yourself with books and online forums.
But it is a good idea to see a counsellor or psychotherapist. The truth is that addictions are very hard to change alone.
An addictive relationship almost inevitably stems from the way you were parented as a child. Somehow you learned that you don’t deserve to be loved and supported for all that you are. A therapist can create a supportive and safe place for you to explore how that happened, then make choices that mean your future involves the accepting, loving relationship you deserve.
Can’t break free from a relationship that is bringing you down? We connect you with a team of London’s top relationship and addiction therapists who can help. Or use our sister site to book UK-wide registered talk therapists and online counselling now.
Would you like to share a sign of an addictive relationship that hasn’t made our list? Do so below.
Andrea M. Darcy is the lead writer of this site. A mental health writer with training coaching and person-centred counselling, she has written thousands of popular articles and loves writing about relationships and trauma. Find her @am_darcy
I have been with my boyfriend 3 years. First year was great, with a few ‘red flags’ (in hindsight) – explosive angry arguments seemingly out of nowhere, with a fast resolution. When I moved in he became increasingly controlling and emotionally abusive. He would often threaten to kick me out/ make me sleep on the floor/ take away keys/ demand money etc. Throughout this time he blamed me, telling me I should be more supportive of his childhood issues, and that the underlying cause for his reactions was my failings as a girlfriend.
Around 4 months ago he started a short burst of frequently physically abusive behaviour too. He has spat in my face/ slapped/punched me and left a scar from biting me. After a week of being apart where he bombarded me with abusive messages night and day I returned to end things. At this point he told me that he agreed with everything I had said, he had been working with his therapist to address underlying issues and he wanted to get control of his behaviour. He claims that all outbursts were triggered by his feelings of vulnerability with someone that he had “let in” for the first time, and that it was merely a well rehearsed protective mechanism from his volatile childhood which kept people at bay.
He is now claiming to have completely resolved all issues, apologised profusely and finally admitted it was never my fault.
I however have been left feeling completely exhausted and numb to everything. I care about him deeply, but I am not sure I will ever be able to trust him to not revert to this behaviour in the future – and this is preventing me relaxing back and working with him. I also see him differently now, and although I love him I am not sure whether I am still in love with him – or whether recent traumatic experiences are clouding my judgement.
I have asked him repeatedly for space and time to think, as we are literally going around in circles currently, and he is begging me daily to give him another chance and not to walk away from our “fantastic life”. Unfortunately since all of this behaviour I myself have become incredibly short tempered and impatient, and often find myself making arguments worse, having always previously been the calmer one of the relationship.
I feel like I am paralysed by the indecision of what to do. There is a large part of me desperate to be alone for a while to recover and focus on my own healing. I also feel incredibly guilty about leaving, and hate the thought of not having him in my life day to day.
Lauren, it sounds like you are torn between guilt and a desire to heal. Which one honestly sounds more important to you right now? What is the worst thing that could happen if you took the time out to take care of yourself? And is this relationship holding you back in other areas, like career/family? All good questions to ask. Relationships are tricky, we can’t tell you what to do, especially as we are only getting your side of the story. But we can say that the only person you can change is yourself. Is this sort of relationship at all a pattern? Are you also in therapy? Have you considered that therapy might help with your self-esteem and be a place to look at your beliefs about love and what childhood experiences they relate to?
So what do you do? Walk away? Forget that person? How do you pull away from such a powerful force
If it’s that powerful you feel out of control, seek professional support in the form of a counsellor, coach, or psychotherapist you feel comfortable working with.
HI Harley,
I have felt many of these symptoms the past 2 months since I found out my partner of 7 years, and father of my 2 kids cheated on me by kissing another girl he worked with. Basically since our relationship went into crisis mode of “do we fix this? are we over? how do we fix it?” etc. but this has not been an enjoyable time for either of us. I also don’t think most of these applied to our relationship before it hit ‘crisis mode’. While it wasn’t perfect and needed help, do you think our relationship was addictive, if it’s only been like this since we went into crisis mode?
Hi Kate, we can’t give a diagnosis to anyone over the internet without knowing them. But it is true that relationships can have addictive energies to them when two people are unsure where they stand and are push-pulling. So it is more likely it’s just that you are both vying for power at this point because you are very stressed and uncertain. Kissing another person might feel a giant betrayal but it is not uncommon in long relationships for one partner to do something silly. It can be like a call for help to fix the relationship, or to be heard. If the partner did not feel heard or the communication between you both has not been good (this often happens after children) this sort of thing can happen, texts with someone, a kiss, flirting. If you still love each other and can’t let go, but aren’t sure how to make it work, would you both consider a few sessions with a relationships counsellor? A counsellor will not tell you what to do. He or she will simply create a safe space for you both to communicate clearly, and help you do so. That way you can find answers that suit you both.
Hi
I have been in a relationship with a heroin addict (recovered, lapsed, clean, repeat) for 3 years. It has been a constant battle. My relationship with him mimics that of his heroin addiction, extreme highs and extreme lows, total chaos and confusion, followed by an absolute, beautiful love and connection, laughte, common ground, spiritual connection, soul connection then back to depression, anxiety, confusion and madness. All of it are his issues and over the years all I have done is ignore myself and try and help (save) him but the result is always the same. Everytime I leave him I feel sick and spin out as if I am withdrawing – he feels the same way when I leave him and we easily fall back into each others arms when he turns up at my door crying. I’m sick with him and I am sick without him. It’s literally like I am addicted to him like he is heroin. I hate the rollercoaster and my soul knows that it is madness but I feel physically sick without him. Really codependent on each other. It’s vile. Life is so bloody weird. I know all the logical and rational answers on what is right and wrong and I have high self esteem in general and am highly independent. Madness it really is. I will say I am deeply unconnected to human beings – since childhood I have never let people in as I don’t truly like anyone that much on a deep level including family. From dot one I have always been a loner and thrived in my own company but always engaged in activities around people (spin class, yoga) etc as I need to connect at some level. But with him I adore how loving we are with each other, literally can’t stop kissing, cuddling, giggling. In the night we reach out for each other and have to be touching a leg or hand. We wake up in the night sometimes and full on comfort snog then giggle and go back to sleep. It is pure madness as I seek security, protection and to be financially part of a team but he is unreliable, fearful and awful with money. So it just continues, until I step off the ride.
This feels good talking about it! I hide it from everyone as I can’t bare people telling me what I already know. It’s almost as if you tell yourself ‘Well, I have made my own bed, so lie in it.’
Crazy.
Hi Kim, definitely all the hallmarks of an addictive relationship. Here’s the thing we are hearing in your comment – that you are fine, that he is the ‘sick’ one, that if you just escaped him you’d be fine. You say ‘all of it is his issues’. And yet here you are, deeply entrenched in an intense relationship with an addict, that is your only true connection — you freely admit you can’t connect to others, including family. As if that is okay and normal. But a child unable to connect to her family and parents is a child growing up without a parent she can freely love and trust, is a child who grows up with serious attachment issues, including huge neediness they cut off from unless they can attach intensely to one person they feel safe with. You might want to read about attachment disorders. And have you heard of counterdependency? It’s the ‘opposite’ side of codependency, although when in a relationship the two ‘players’ can switch sides. Counterdependents tell themselves they need nobody. We have an article here http://bit.ly/counterdependency. In summary, it’s convenient to see your partner as the problem. We’d suggest that you are responsible for being in that relationship, that you chose it, and that that perhaps the place to look for any real solution here is at yourself, not at him.
I am wondering if an addictive relationship can be saved? I broke away from an addictive relationship 7 months ago. Got back into recovery and have been working on myself doing inner child work and now dealing with childhood trauma. My ex and I recently got back in touch with each other. We are talking, spending little bits of time together, maybe once a week, no sex, just some hugging and a few little kisses, nothing passionate. We are both taking things very very slowly. It feels very healthy when we are together, but the next day, I am filled with anxiety again because I don’t know if I am just entering back into an addiction or if with all the work I am doing and he is doing (we both are constantly working on the same issues) if we have a chance to have a healthy relationship. I don’t want to waste any more time or life force energy if we are just kidding ourselves here and it’s just an addiction.
Hi Joy, it’s a very big, very loaded question. We don’t know you and your full history. We don’t know him and his full history. So we can’t say. But seven months is not very long as far as addictions go, that we do know. And there is not a high success rate for two individuals in an addictive relationship to then recover that quickly and get back into a suddenly healthy relationship.But again, we don’t know you, and that’s better to discuss with the therapist who does. Who knows what individuals are capable of? Perhaps there is a chance if you were constantly in couples therapy together you would find some miraculous way forward. We simply can’t say. So in summary, we can’t predict anyone’s future. The chance isn’t great that you’d have success as seven months is so little time to work on yourself, but we can’t say.
This makes so much sense! My boyfriend of 2 years just recently left me. At first he was very charming, his self confidence was so high (even though physically he wasnt much to look at and mentally was just as messy) but 3 weeks in he started to call me 60+ times demanding I pick him up from the bar, drunk. He would scream at me, stalk me, demand I do things, and then tell me he had a problem. He would do little things throughout the relationship to make me think he was getting help, such as going to AA meetings for a drinking problem he didnt really have, he just used it as an excuse to control me. Or get counseling for his PTSD after hee screamed at me and told me what a low life I was and how I was lower than dirt. I would cook for him, wash his clothes, go to his house and clean, and help him pay his bills. He never did much for me. But he always made me feel so high. When we were together I was so happy. But a big part of me always wanted to get out. I was always scared, nervous, a little sad deep down, I struggled alone because he never really supported me. He lied so much to his family about how I was the bad guy and he would laugh when they made fun of me. I was the biggest joke to him and his family. Now that he left, he said I’m the bad guy. He told everyone we used to work with lies and shamed my name there. He left like it was nothing and I’m stuck picking up the pieces of what was once my life.
Hi Nicky. What’s important here is to take the time to honestly explore why you feel you deserved a relationship like that. A healthy person with enough esteem wouldn’t choose or stay in such a relationship, so it’s highly likely you learned as a child that love is painful and you should put up with abuse. The best thing you could do would be to seek support about this. To see a therapist and get to the root of it. Otherwise it’s likely you’ll keep choosing relationships where you suffer. Good luck!
I have read many of these numbered lists on many subjects but this is the first one that hit every nail on the head. Aside for #2 as there is nothing about my relationship that leaves me feeling on top of the world these days. Even when there is a moment of possible joy I won’t allow myself to feel it fully as I’d rather feel the anxiety of not wanting to be in the relationship. It is 10 years now and I’ve been unhappy for a lot of it. But it’s the past 6 months to a year that I really started paying attention, thinking about what’s really going on, thinking about my future and realizing that I have to end it if I ever want to be truly happy. But I can’t seem to do it. He is in the other room, I could walk in there right now and just do it, but I won’t. It seems like I’m getting closer, I’ve set dates, I’ve missed those dates. I’ve made plans with family and friends who I’ve been neglecting, but I missed those as well. I have zero doubt that it’s time to go, that my life will blossom outside of this relationship. But I just can’t seem to do it. It’s no longer financial as I have money saved. Although I’m attempting to start a new business but it’s faltering because I can’t focus. It’s his house so I can just walk away. But I feel guilty as he needs my help to take care of it. I’ve always had a communication problem that stems from my upbringing. There were so many times where I’ve had every reason to walk out, but I don’t communicate it at the moment. It’s not until later that I feel I know what I should have said but then it feels too late. And now it feels unfair to hit him with this long list of things he did or said that hurt me. The fact of the matter is I am unhappy and will never be happy in this relationship. I know that for certainty. I feel like I’m missing so much, that I’m not really living. That my life is passing me by. I want to live a free life, I want to experience fun new things, new adventures, new people. I could go on and on…I just can’t seem to grasp what’s keeping me from making this move. I do feel like it’s coming any time now. Should I wait for one of those moments when he’s reacting in anger or negativity and then just lay it on the line like I want to? It will happen soon, it always does. I do realize a lot of it is fear as to how he will react, fear that I won’t leave as we did break up several times early on but he convinced me to come back, fear that it will just crush him. He seems to be fine no matter what I do, say or how distant I can be. As long as I’m here he’s fine. Any insight would be very welcomed.
It’s interesting how much you mention how he will feel, how he will manage, how it will affect him. Is this hiding, perhaps, any worry about how you might be affected? It’s always easier to project our own worries onto someone else. In summary, we’d just say that there is more than enough going on here to do some counselling over. As there feels to be more going on here than just this relationship. As you say, things come from childhood, ‘upbringing’. And unless those things are resolved, then they will follow you, no matter if you leave or not.
I think I just went through something like this. To add more problems to the mix she was my mistress. I was faithfully married for 18 years then I sold my business and started working out 7 days a week. I kinda went through a mid-life crises. I met a woman 19 years younger than me and stunning. We would talk at the gym then things took a romantic turn. Fast forward we were together a year. I thought I loved her it turns out I was just seeking out patterns I grew up with. I married a woman I wasn’t crazy attracted to on purpose. Because I know the women I’m strongly attracted to are not stable and usually a little mean. I married a woman who Is very even keel. I crave a roller coaster. Anyway I’m not seeing her but stopping it was one of the hardest things I have ever done even though i knew she would destroy my life (I get I’m the one destroying things). We were so volatile. I would push her away then beg her to take me back then she would do the same. The relief that I felt when “all was forgiven” was like a drug.
Hi Rick, first of all, give yourself some credit for recognising the situation for what it was and for being so self aware. But we get the idea that this relationship has triggered a longing in you, hence you are here, doing the research. A longing for something more, vs the marriage you took on as way to fight your own impulses. Evidently there is a pattern here, and it is old, undoubtedly related to childhood. And either through avoidance or addiction, it’s been running your life. Have you considered talking to someone about this? It’s the kind of thing therapy can really get to the root of. You’d need to find a good therapist you felt you could grow to trust. We’d recommend you look at a type of therapy that focuses on relating, there is a list here http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy. You might also find our article on anxious attachment interesting http://bit.ly/anxiousattachment. We wish you courage! Best, HT
I think I have a mental problem because I have depression, sad all day, not hungry all time, question my sexuality, who am I, what am I, and question all of me everyday
Hi Elizabeth, have you considered doing some counselling?
So I have a 19 year-old son I am worried about. While his current relationship does not show signs of physical abuse, he does show some of the addictive signs you mentioned.
For example, he says he is terrified of losing her. He frequently breaks promises to his family, and will do anything to spend every waking moment with her regardless of how it impacts other relationships in his life. His decision making regarding his plans for the future seem to be irrational at times, setting aside goals he has had for years because he can’t stand the thought of not being with her 24/7. He gets depressed while at work, and while he won’t admit it, I believe a lot of it has to do with her constantly being on his mind and worrying about the future. He occasionally gets sick while at work but seems to feel fine and happy when he is with her. He also spends a lot of money on her and does everything he can to impress her family while caring very little about his own family–i.e. spending countless hours making plans for his girlfriend’s birthday, while not giving a thought to his own sister’s birthday. How much of this would you say is just a young kid in love, versus addictive behaviors.
So i have been dating this guy for almost two years now. He has always wanted to keep our relationship a secret, only one of his freinds knows about it. The fact that some people who know him do not know we are dating, they usually tell me stories about him and this other girl from his work that they are dating even though keeping it a secret too. The girl washes his clothes ,cooks for him and gives her sex too. As for me he doesnt want me to do any of those whenever i visit him. When i asked him about tue relationship he denied and said they were lying i should believe him, but well i dont. So now the thing is i want to leave but i seem not to have the courage to because i love him or am addicted to him. Sometimes we make plans tuen the mext he pretends like he forgot or his busy with something he does not want me to know. When we are together it feels like yess he loves me ,cares for me ,but next thing is am confused with how n wher the r elationship is going, what am i to him. Also he has anger issues which he tries to hide from me and has a habit of giving me fale promises while at the same time he wants me to keep mine and do things for him. He has never bought me even a single thing but i always surprise him with gifts thinkng he would do the same for me too to show me some love. Its hard to leave, but am always worried about the relationship, its always in my head, of which i thinknits the cause why i have lost so much weight recentl, loss of appetite and always stressed. what should i do?
Hi Ben, unfortunately we can’t give a verdict over a comment box, it would be unfair and unprofessional. We are only getting your viewpoint, we don’t personally know your son. It might be one, the other, or a bit of both. Have you talked to your son in an open, non judgemental way? Is your son able to talk to anyone in the family without feeling judged? Does he have someone he can fully trust outside of his girlfriend? The only other thing we can say is that at 19, he is legally an adult. He’s got to be be free to make his own mistakes and learn how he wants to. So you can voice your concerns in a loving, non judgemental way, but in the end, it’s up to him. Finally, if he did have addictive relationship issues, have you given thought to where they might rise from? They don’t come out of nowhere. Is there something within his upbringing or past that might have given him certain ideas about love and trust? We are not laying blame here. But we are saying that families work as units, everything is connected. And if you are worried as you are aware that perhaps things didn’t go the way they should of in his childhood, and you don’t feel able to talk to him about it, might be worth learning the skills to bridge that gap and feel comfortable talking to him. Best, HT.
Your life is totally your choice. There is no right or wrong there is what you want and don’t want. But when we get to this point where we are going endlessly over the details, trying to justify things, yes, it’s addiction. We just need to ask, is this a yes or a no for me. Mostly we know the right answer that works best for us. Then find the support to live out that answer. Note we don’t end up in these kinds of relationships out of nowhere. We end up in them as in our childhood we didn’t receive the unconditional love and support we needed, or witnessed our parents living out similar unhealthy forms of love. We need to dig deep and re-pattern ourselves, with the help of a counsellor or therapist, or we just end up right back in another similar relationship.
Is it possible for the relationship to become normal if both people get help? I believe we are both addicted to each other and i see the core issue to our problems with our childhoods. We are both seeking therapy but i was just wondering what is the survial rate of an addictive relationship becoming normal
Hi Krystal, there is no statistic we can quote here. People are all unique. On a good note, you are both seeking therapy, which is very positive. We’d ask good questions here. What is your definition of a ‘normal relationship’? What is it you like most about the other person? Would you still like them without the drama and addiction? Or is that all that binds you? Do you share life values, or only drama? From there, all we can say is that therapy is a process. Bit by bit you will get to know yourself better and what you want and don’t want, what does and doesn’t work for you. What we would say is that if you have addictive relating patterns, until they are resolved you will continue to re-enact them with the next partner. So whether or not this relationship lasts, right now it’s a chance to process and heal. That said, there is nothing wrong with being alone, either. If your preference, deep down, is to have time alone, then talk it through with your therapist. Best, HT.
I think another one could be where the sex between you and the other person is so out of this world that when you’re not together all you think about is getting in bed with that person and just wanting them sexually more and more and more and you even start to do sexual things that you never did before and you even maybe start to hurt each other while having sex with one another it leaves you wondering this has to be too good to be true
Hi Mariah, there is often a crossover with sex addiction and love addiction, they both come from the same source, which is using outside things to escape ourselves. A healthy sex life doesn’t overtake us or start to negatively affect daily life. Best, HT.
In this case it has negatively affected my life cuz the one man that I have found to have experienced great sexual pleasure with we are no longer together we dated for two years he broke up with me came back for me I took him back and then broke up with me again I tried to get him to come back and stay to try and talk and work things out but all I could get from him was I can’t keep up with you and I think you know that you are too much for me you are a lot to handle he said to me it hurts and it frustrates me because between our sexual flame it felt so right like we were meant to be together forever
Sounds like an unhealthy addictive situation Mariah. Sex is sex, not the reason to ‘be together forever’, far from it, and if you are still thinking about it for two years and telling yourself it’s responsible for your unhappiness, we’d suggest you seek some support over this. You might also want to read up on what healthy relationships and love look like. Click on ‘relationships’ under the topic bar, we have many articles on here. If we grow up having to ‘earn’ love from the adults around us and not receiving unconditional support, not being modelled healthy relationships, we end up relying on things like tv and film which tend to offer really unhealthy fantasy versions of relationships. Best, HT.
Hello,
I have recently started to feel that I might be in an addictive relationship. I have been with the guy for the past 2 years and now he’s moving abroad for his further studies. There’s a lot of uncertainty regarding the future and we have decided that we’re going for a long distance relationship. I am constantly overthinking about the possibilities of it not working out and us breaking up. I am terrified of losing him and can’t seem to imagine a life where i don’t talk to him or be with him. I have started thinking about the relationship so much that i am not being able to focus on the other things in my life. It’s like the guy has become the centre of my life. I want to reduce my obsession with him so that both me and him can have a healthy relationship. Is thais possible? I don’t at all want to cut him off. Please help.
Hi Eliza, the red flag for us here is “Terrified of losing him and can’t seem to imagine a life where I don’t talk to him or be with him”. Real, healthy love is based on two independent people who ‘self source’, who find their own wellbeing and happiness from within, then depend on each other as they want to, not as they have to. So we’d say instead of focussing on the relationship get some counselling to focus on why you are unable to source this from yourself but attach on to others in an addictive way.Yes change is possible but it doesn’t happen overnight or through a response to a comment, these ways of behaving and thinking will come from deeply entrenched childhood learnings and belief systems, what is needed here is not a quick fix but to go on the journey of self, which won’t just change your relationships but also your self-esteem, your coping mechanisms, even your career, everything. Best, HT.