“Why Do I Feel So Unloveable?” (And the Best Therapies That Help)

Hi Terry, it is indeed a horrible way to live, and sadly far too many of us live this way nowadays. Any advice of ‘love yourself’ really is pointless, as if the core belief exists we aren’t loveable, it doesn’t stick. And yes, no amount of success will help. There are a few things we’d say here. Yes, we would recommend therapy. Not just because we are a therapy company, but because deep beliefs of being unloveable always go back to traumatic childhood experiences, even if it was just that a parent, despite best efforts, could not love us unconditionally in the way we desperately needed. Processing these old hurts and experiences is really the fastest way forward. Otherwise, we’d suggest you read our piece on Self Compassion (use the search bar). It’s easier than self love. Then look at self care. What little ways can you take care of yourself better? Finally, have you tried mindfulness? It is easy to learn and free, and can have real results for helping us get more in touch with ourselves. We have a free guide here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm. Hope it helps!

Hi Scott, if you decide to be unloveable, you are then going to decide to act in ways that push others away, thus creating ‘proof’ you are unloveable. Note that loveability is not something we are born with, it’s not a personality trait, or something you see under the microscope, or some scientific rating stamped in invisible ink on your forehead. It’s a result of how we relate with others. How we relate with others is a choice and also a skillset. If we were not taught the skills, we can learn them. If we were born with personality traits that make relating a bit more challenging, like Aspergers, we can still learn them. Robots can learn relating. We can entirely change the way we relate to others if we decide to study how we relate, other ways of relating, and then slowly start integrating other ways of relating (which yes, is something these therapies mentioned help with). In conclusion, lovability is not a science, it’s a choice. So actually you are shaping your own reality. We create our lives with our choices and actions. You make the irrefutable truth, nobody else. And its’ not related to looks, wealth, etcetera. Mother Theresa had nothing at all, she was not a looker, and yet she was one of the most loved people in the world, for example. Finally, where do you think this belief comes from? It was created. No baby is born with the belief in their head that ‘I am unloveable’. They are taught that. Best, HT.

Hi Hannah. It’s not up to your twin, or your husband, or your family to decide if you are or aren’t loveable. Note how you are expecting others to decide that. But it never was up to them. It is only up to you. You decide your self worth. And right now it sounds like you need some serious support to develop some. Have you considered counselling? If you are on a low budget, we have an article you can read for ideas on how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT.

Hi Shelley, we don’t know you and we can’t answer based on a comment. Trauma is a complex topic, and each person’s brain registers things as ‘traumatic’ in a way that is entirely individual. For example, two siblings can have the exact same experience, say, of a parent leaving. One registers it as traumatic, the other bounces back quickly from the experience. What we would say is that 10 is quite old for it to have been your root reason for trust issues. That it’s more likely you already had a set of core beliefs that were developed earlier that this experience then triggered. For example, a child with a very stable loving home would have a high chance of bouncing back from peer rejection and quickly finding other friends as they’d have had confidence and someone to talk to. You say you’ve ‘had therapy’. That actually tells us very little. What sort of therapy did you do and how long did you stick at it? Did you like the therapist? Therapy requires commitment to work, you have to stick it out. And it also requires a ‘click’ with the therapist. When it comes to trauma, it’s important to get the right kind of therapy. General counselling, just talking about the past, can, for example, backfire and leave you simply triggered. Read our article on therapies that work for trauma. http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. It’s also important that a therapist also works with your actual, current issues with being unliked, and looks at your process of relating. Often when we have trust issues from early childhood they are attachment issues, and we can, without realising it, approach relationships in ways that encourage rejection. We go too fast, we ask for too much, we expect relationships to provide us with things that are our own responsibility, such as feeling accepted and good about ourselves. Or we present a self that isn’t actually who we are in an effort to please, then leave others uncertain or confused. All things to trouble shoot with the right therapist. Best, HT.

Hi there Azz. It’s hard being sensitive. But at some point we have to start to realise that we are not what other people say or think. And that we decide if we are or aren’t loveable, not other people. If you are really struggling, can you reach out and talk to someone? Is there someone you trust? We’d also say that it would great if you could go and see a counsellor. Counselling and psychotherapy are really great for helping sensitive people raise their self esteem and learn how to navigate conflict. And we can’t diagnose anyone over a comment, we don’t know you, but a counsellor could also look at your symptoms in case they were connected to borderline personality disorder (BPD) which means we live in fear of rejection and tend to lack the emotional resilience other people have. If that’s the case, then there are therapies designed to help that can make a huge difference. Hope that helps! Best, HT.

Ophelia, these are all very good questions to be asking. Of course they are big questions. We’d offer a brief definition of what we’d suggest is loving yourself. And that is accepting yourself just as you are, having compassion for yourself when you make mistakes, being able to treat yourself just as you would treat a best friend, practicing self care, knowing how to receive as much as we give, and most of all, having clear boundaries as part of that self care and not seeking your identity through others but by listening to your own needs and desires and using those boundaries to protect them. Overgiving, when we are doing it to gain love, is not love but a sort of misguided manipulation. Use our search bar to find our articles on overgiving and codependency. And also our article on ‘what is love’? And articles on self compassion. In summary, we feel it’s very courageous you reached out to us, and that the fact that you are now asking these questions is a huge positive. You are ready to move forward, you just need support. Have you any way to access some sort of counselling? We don’t know what country you are in. But we feel that having the unbiased support a counsellor offers would be a very, very good idea, and therapy is all about learning who you are, how to value yourself, and how to take care of yourself. We wish you courage! And we hope you recover from your accident as quickly as possible. Best, HT.