“Why Do I Feel So Unloveable?” (And the Best Therapies That Help)
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 2, 2023
By: Leon F. Cabeiro
by Andrea M. Darcy
Do you leave every relationship sure that the other person never really loved you? Always struggle to feel accepted by colleagues? Or, despite having many friends, do you secretly feel that nobody actually likes you?
Feeling unloveable can be a crushing weight, often one we deal with alone and are too ashamed to tell anyone.
Feeling unloveable and core beliefs
You might think you feel unloveable because of other people. You choose partners badly, the people at work are all idiots, you just can’t trust anyone these days.
But you are the one repetitively choosing these types of people and experiences. Somehow you are creating a life where you feel unloveable. What makes this endless cycle continue?
Feeling unloveable is actually what is known in psychology as a ‘core belief’.
A core belief is an assumption (often hidden deep within ourselves) we make about the world then mistake as a fact. It can sound like:
- I am not good enough to be loved
- I am too ugly/stupid/flawed/damaged to be loved
- There is something really wrong with me that means nobody can love me
- love is for other people, not me
- I am a monster that nobody can love.
The core belief lives in your unconscious, where it encourages you to live from a perspective that it dictates.
And the perspective of your core belief becomes the place you make all decisions from. So in the end, you prove the core belief true without even realising it is you doing so. You live up to your own warped expectations.
By: Félix Batista
For example, if you have a core belief that you are unloveable, you will probably have a strong pattern in life of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable. A person who did not have a core belief they were unloveable would walk away from such a situation.
But you will instead use the experience to ‘prove’ to yourself that you are yet again unloveable. In fact if someone loving did come along, you would probably find a reason to reject them.
What creates the belief you are unloveable?
Most core beliefs are created when we are children. We form them to understand our experiences and protect ourselves.
Childhood trauma is a leading cause of adults feeling unloveable. This might have been the loss of a parent or sibling, being abandoned or neglected by a parent, having a mentally unwell or addicted parent.
Childhood sexual abuse in particular leaves children with a damaged view of themselves. Even though they are the victim, their mind turns the tables and leaves them with a secret sense of guilt, or a sense they are damaged and now nobody can love them.
Had a seemingly perfect childhood but feel unloveable? Children need unconditional love, empathy, and acceptance to grow up into adults who feel loved. If, despite outward appearances, your main caregiver was, say, depressed and controlling, prone to ignoring you, or only showed you love if you were a ‘good girl’ or ‘quiet boy’, then you can end up believing you are unloveable as is.
Connected psychological conditions
Feeling unloveable might ‘sound’ like not a big deal. But it is a very serious matter. It can be a a contributing cause for many other psychological conditions and is sadly a leading cause of suicide. Other issues and disorders it is connected to include:
- depression and anxiety
- low self-esteem
- fear of intimacy and trust issues
- repressed anger
- codependency or counter-dependency
- fear of abandonment
- relationship issues
- lack of identity or identity crisis
- perfectionism
- addictive behaviours including alcoholism and drugs
- eating disorders and overeating
- social anxiety disorder
- borderline personality disorder.
What can I do if I feel unloveable?
The key thing to learn here is that feeling unloveable tends to be a belief, not a fact. And a belief can be challenged then changed.
Remember, too, that it’s actually your own decisions supporting this false belief. This means that if you find support to learn new ways of behaving, you’ll find that even small changes can move you towards love instead of away from it.
Feeling unloveable often connects to difficult childhood experiences that need processing, so finding support is recommended.
[To learn strategies for feeling more loveable you can try alone, sign up to our blog now to receive an alert when we post the next piece in this series, ‘Simple techniques to help you feel more loveable starting today’. ]
What types of therapy can help me if I feel unloveable?
All talk therapies tend to help you with feeling more likeable.
This is because therapy is actually a relationship, one that grows between you and your therapist. And it’s a relationship that helps you experience (perhaps for the first time) what it’s like to trust and be trusted.
Schema therapy and dialectical behavioural therapy are particularly recommended longer-term therapies if you struggle to have lasting relationships. They are both also noted for treating those with borderline personality disorder or who suffered sexual abuse.
Several newer, shorter-term therapies are also helpful with changing core beliefs about being loveable. Cognitive behavioural therapy is the most popular. The CBT process trains your brain to recognise and no longer instantly react but to negative thoughts. This frees you to make a positive action instead of spiralling into a spiral of negative moods and actions.
Cognitive analytical therapy (CAT) and dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT) also look at your patterns of thinking and behaving, but they both have a focus on your relationships.
Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) focuses on helping you notice, accept, and embrace life and yourself. It also focuses on helping you recognise what your personal values are, then take the actions needed to align your life with them.
Curious to try one of the talk therapies mentioned above? Harley Therapy can you connect you with a warm, empathic and experienced psychotherapist in one of three London locations. Not in the UK? Online therapy helps you wherever you are.
Would you like to share an experience with our readers, or ask us a question? Use the public comment box below.
I have always thought I was unloveable even though I have been very succesful in my life. People see something in me that I don’t and show me lots of praise tell me how well I can do something but I aways think they are lying. When I’m in a realationship I have a hard time excepting that they really just might like me. It is a horrible way to live always not trusting anyone for the fear of them letting you down.
Hi Terry, it is indeed a horrible way to live, and sadly far too many of us live this way nowadays. Any advice of ‘love yourself’ really is pointless, as if the core belief exists we aren’t loveable, it doesn’t stick. And yes, no amount of success will help. There are a few things we’d say here. Yes, we would recommend therapy. Not just because we are a therapy company, but because deep beliefs of being unloveable always go back to traumatic childhood experiences, even if it was just that a parent, despite best efforts, could not love us unconditionally in the way we desperately needed. Processing these old hurts and experiences is really the fastest way forward. Otherwise, we’d suggest you read our piece on Self Compassion (use the search bar). It’s easier than self love. Then look at self care. What little ways can you take care of yourself better? Finally, have you tried mindfulness? It is easy to learn and free, and can have real results for helping us get more in touch with ourselves. We have a free guide here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm. Hope it helps!
I understand that some beliefs I have are probably true and others are probably not true. I have to ask, then, is it not possible (even if it’s not likely) that if my unlovability is a belief, that it could be true? I mean true in an objective, disinterested kind of way, not in a “I shape my own reality” kind of way. If the reply is that no, that scenario is impossible, please provide some irrefutable proof. Thanks!
Hi Scott, if you decide to be unloveable, you are then going to decide to act in ways that push others away, thus creating ‘proof’ you are unloveable. Note that loveability is not something we are born with, it’s not a personality trait, or something you see under the microscope, or some scientific rating stamped in invisible ink on your forehead. It’s a result of how we relate with others. How we relate with others is a choice and also a skillset. If we were not taught the skills, we can learn them. If we were born with personality traits that make relating a bit more challenging, like Aspergers, we can still learn them. Robots can learn relating. We can entirely change the way we relate to others if we decide to study how we relate, other ways of relating, and then slowly start integrating other ways of relating (which yes, is something these therapies mentioned help with). In conclusion, lovability is not a science, it’s a choice. So actually you are shaping your own reality. We create our lives with our choices and actions. You make the irrefutable truth, nobody else. And its’ not related to looks, wealth, etcetera. Mother Theresa had nothing at all, she was not a looker, and yet she was one of the most loved people in the world, for example. Finally, where do you think this belief comes from? It was created. No baby is born with the belief in their head that ‘I am unloveable’. They are taught that. Best, HT.
How am I not unlovable. My twin sister wants to kill me along with the rest of my family. Now my husband says he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore. Just because I was sexually abused as a child doesn’t mean that is why. I just am unlovable.
Hi Hannah. It’s not up to your twin, or your husband, or your family to decide if you are or aren’t loveable. Note how you are expecting others to decide that. But it never was up to them. It is only up to you. You decide your self worth. And right now it sounds like you need some serious support to develop some. Have you considered counselling? If you are on a low budget, we have an article you can read for ideas on how to find free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy Best, HT.
Can childhood trauma also be from being ostracized from friend groups? It really through me for a loop at 10 years old and set me on this road of loneliness and not trusting others.
I’ve had therapy and it’s helped but it still seems to crop up in my life. As well other examples of feeling unimportant and perhaps unlikeable to others after that.
Hi Shelley, we don’t know you and we can’t answer based on a comment. Trauma is a complex topic, and each person’s brain registers things as ‘traumatic’ in a way that is entirely individual. For example, two siblings can have the exact same experience, say, of a parent leaving. One registers it as traumatic, the other bounces back quickly from the experience. What we would say is that 10 is quite old for it to have been your root reason for trust issues. That it’s more likely you already had a set of core beliefs that were developed earlier that this experience then triggered. For example, a child with a very stable loving home would have a high chance of bouncing back from peer rejection and quickly finding other friends as they’d have had confidence and someone to talk to. You say you’ve ‘had therapy’. That actually tells us very little. What sort of therapy did you do and how long did you stick at it? Did you like the therapist? Therapy requires commitment to work, you have to stick it out. And it also requires a ‘click’ with the therapist. When it comes to trauma, it’s important to get the right kind of therapy. General counselling, just talking about the past, can, for example, backfire and leave you simply triggered. Read our article on therapies that work for trauma. http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma. It’s also important that a therapist also works with your actual, current issues with being unliked, and looks at your process of relating. Often when we have trust issues from early childhood they are attachment issues, and we can, without realising it, approach relationships in ways that encourage rejection. We go too fast, we ask for too much, we expect relationships to provide us with things that are our own responsibility, such as feeling accepted and good about ourselves. Or we present a self that isn’t actually who we are in an effort to please, then leave others uncertain or confused. All things to trouble shoot with the right therapist. Best, HT.
I have been told that no one will be able to put up with me and that I’m unlovable. I tend to get very emotional during arguments and I take things personally. Small things affect me deeply and I feel like no one can love me because of that. I’m too much. Too damaged
Hi there Azz. It’s hard being sensitive. But at some point we have to start to realise that we are not what other people say or think. And that we decide if we are or aren’t loveable, not other people. If you are really struggling, can you reach out and talk to someone? Is there someone you trust? We’d also say that it would great if you could go and see a counsellor. Counselling and psychotherapy are really great for helping sensitive people raise their self esteem and learn how to navigate conflict. And we can’t diagnose anyone over a comment, we don’t know you, but a counsellor could also look at your symptoms in case they were connected to borderline personality disorder (BPD) which means we live in fear of rejection and tend to lack the emotional resilience other people have. If that’s the case, then there are therapies designed to help that can make a huge difference. Hope that helps! Best, HT.
I’ve had the sad and neglected childhood and relize that is why I may feel unlovable but I can’t get a grip on it. I’m ok for awhile then a mess. I recently broke my leg and feel helpless and very sad. I’ve always thought that when I’m older and less attractive people and family will no longer love me and now it’s true. I can’t stop crying People are asking (in text) if I need anything but I tell them no but wish they would call or come visit. I’m always trying to help people and worry so much. My husband is nice and helps but is not affectionate at all! My question is… if someone loves you won’t they show it? I am constantly calling, hugging and saying I love you to my children and others but I feel like I don’t get that back as much which makes me feel unlovable and ugly. I don’t even understand how someone could love me anyway. So are you saying we don’t need others to love us, we just need to love ourselfs? I feel like I need others to love me. I’m so confused. How can you love yourself if others don’t love you? And family didn’t love you as a child. How would you even know HOW to live yourself? What is love?
Ophelia, these are all very good questions to be asking. Of course they are big questions. We’d offer a brief definition of what we’d suggest is loving yourself. And that is accepting yourself just as you are, having compassion for yourself when you make mistakes, being able to treat yourself just as you would treat a best friend, practicing self care, knowing how to receive as much as we give, and most of all, having clear boundaries as part of that self care and not seeking your identity through others but by listening to your own needs and desires and using those boundaries to protect them. Overgiving, when we are doing it to gain love, is not love but a sort of misguided manipulation. Use our search bar to find our articles on overgiving and codependency. And also our article on ‘what is love’? And articles on self compassion. In summary, we feel it’s very courageous you reached out to us, and that the fact that you are now asking these questions is a huge positive. You are ready to move forward, you just need support. Have you any way to access some sort of counselling? We don’t know what country you are in. But we feel that having the unbiased support a counsellor offers would be a very, very good idea, and therapy is all about learning who you are, how to value yourself, and how to take care of yourself. We wish you courage! And we hope you recover from your accident as quickly as possible. Best, HT.
I’m trying to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life when my kids leave.
I was the 3rd of 6 children and the one that got blamed for anything that went wrong because I don’t fear anyone and have a strong personality. Both my parents despised me, and my siblings were not fond of me either. I learned to hide my feelings and always seemed indifferent to everything. I buried my face in books most of the time. I was from an upper middle class family, so money was not an issue for my parents. My mum would buy snacks for my younger siblings and leave me out (the older 2 were in boarding school). From the time I was 9, I would take my younger siblings home after school, while they were munching on the treats.. I would make lunch for them and then clean the house before settling down to study or read books. I was a fuzzy eater and most of the time, there wasn’t anything at home that I could eat. I would go to bed lying on my stomach but then wake up during the night and cry quietly while waiting for everyone to wake so we could have breakfast. I never told anyone that I was hungry, I was too embarrassed. I would put on a very cheerful face when I had to talk to anyone, I always seem like the happiest person around, even now. I remember my younger brother telling all his friends that I was adopted. I was 9 at the time, and my brother was 8. Despite my embarrassment at this, I clung to the fantasy that my real parents would come for me one day and shower me with love.
Eventually I went to boarding school. I had some friends there, and there was always food or snacks. My secondary school days were uneventful. I was 15 by this time, my cousin was nearly 12. This hurt, despite everything, I adored my father as he sometimes chatted with me and bought us snacks after a beating. We all got beaten so it wasn’t just me. Most importantly, he bought me lots of novels. I was classed as a genius at the time and he was proud of that. I was reading novels from the age of 4, and I don’t know how I would have coped if I couldn’t hide in the books he bought me. Also, he worked in a different city during the week by this time, and he had a couple of fights with my mum when he came for the weekend as he noticed I had nothing to eat. He was the only person who noticed, even if it was just twice.
Moved home at 16 to prepare for Uni. Back to sleeping on my stomach at night. This time I could play music to comfort me. Luckily I was doing a preparation course, so at least I got lunch. Till now I can’t stand for anyone to be hungry.
Eventually went to Uni, avoided being home as much as possible during uni days. I remember being hungry only once in uni, I didn’t have money to buy food for a day but went home the next day in time for breakfast. There were a couple of incidents while I was in Uni, but I dealt with these. I remember a friend telling me once that I act as though I have no parents.
I remember the day I graduated Uni. My mum had travelled abroad but had arranged for my dad to give me money to buy a suit and shoes, which I did, and gave him the change which he compared to the receipt. I was going to sleep over in Uni on the graduation day. The day before the graduation, I went to my dad in the evening. I wanted to ask if he could give me money to pay for a picture and buy a meal . This was before mobile phones came out, so one would usually pay the photographer covering the event for the picture. Before I could open my mouth, he said, ”I hope you are not coming here to ask me for money”. So I turned around and left without saying anything.
The next day, I went for the graduation. I had just enough money to take public transport there and back. The graduation itself was uneventful. All my friends and classmates had their families with them, so I did not get to talk to anyone. I had no one with me and I didn’t stay for pictures afterwards as I couldn’t pay. I don’t even remember what colour my suit was. I was hungry, and decided to go to my boyfriend’s room. I was hoping it was empty. I planned to use my return fare home to buy a small loaf of bread to eat and then walk home the next day. The walk was only about an hour.
Unfortunately his brother was in my class, and when I got there, his mum and sister were serving rice to guests from coolers. I had not been introduced to them so I sat down in a corner (I no longer had my Uni accommodation and had nowhere else to go). I sat there for hours, my boyfriend was chatting with guests. I wasn’t offered food so I just sat there. I didn’t really want to draw attention to myself as I was embarrassed that no one came to celebrate with me. Eventually, the food was packed up and everyone left. My boyfriend came over and said he would like to buy me an ice cream for my graduation. I took the money from him and went to buy a loaf of bread. There was enough for a coke as well, I was very thirsty by this time. I didn’t go back but walked into the dark unpopulated areas of the University and ate my bread dry. Then I went to sleep over in my boyfriend’s room for the night.
In spite of everything else that has happened in my life, the memory of my Uni graduation is my worst memory, mainly because of how my dad shouted at me before I could say anything. I come from a country where we don’t work until we finish University, so I had no money of my own. I’ve never told anyone about that day but it was the last time I was hungry and not able to buy food.
Soon after that, I started my paid graduate placement then went abroad for my masters degree and never returned home. Got married to someone I had known since Uni, but the marriage was not sustainable. He wasn’t working when we married as he came over on a dependant visa after the marriage and I paid for him to do his conversion medical exams. I got pregnant immediately and was sick for 9 months with hyperemesis. My husband never helped me with anything at all, even though I was unwell. I didn’t expect him to pay as he was not working. I bought groceries, paid for someone to cook weekly. He spent all his time outside the home. He wouldn’t take me with him, I was home alone all the time. By the time I had the baby, he had a girlfriend, but I didn’t find out until my baby was 13 months old. All I knew was that my husband was never home, came home late weekday nights and not at all on the weekends. Years later my mum told me he had called her while I was pregnant to say he was moving out because his sick wife was unable to cook for him. And he wasn’t even working then.
He was working as a doctor by the time I found out about the affair. I took his phone (strangely unlocked for once) while he was drunk asleep and saw that he was travelling to our home country with his foreign mistress the next day. Woke him up, had a huge row, I refused to give him back the phone with the texts (still have it 12 years later) then he took my phone and stormed out. I left early the next day before he came home to pack for the trip. By the time I came home, he had gone, left my phone and turned the house upside down looking for his phone. All of my clothes were on the floor.
By the time he returned a week later, I had moved out with our daughter. I arranged for him to be able to see her at the childminder, but didn’t speak to him or respond to anything for a year. He only went to see my daughter once, when his mum was visiting and wanted to meet her. In fact, my daughter was with my mum for 9 months while I sorted my mental health following the affair, but he never knew as he never tried to see her.
Eventually we started talking again and tried to repair the relationship. 2 years later we moved in together. Unfortunately he refused to contribute financially or in any way despite earning three times my income. All this time, my income only covered the rent so I borrowed money for groceries, childcare and everything else. I had no access to benefits. Still paying off debts for the next 10 years (total of 23 years, I guess). I even had to loan him money to pay off his rent arrears, still haven’t seen a dime of that
Anyway we split after a month due to his lack of financial contribution (while living in the house and eating a lot) and also his not coming home.
Fast forward a year and another attempt at living together, I ended up pregnant with my son by payday. Threw him out payday after giving his usual excuses. Had to stop working at 6 months pregnant due to hyperemesis. No income, a child to feed, pregnant and sick. I begged him to repay some of my money so we could eat. Of course he wouldn’t. I had become a citizen 3 years prior but it hadn’t occured to me to apply for benefits until now. I did and got my rent paid and money for food. Had to put my debt payments on hold. When I had the baby I asked him to move in while I was in hospital to take care of my daughter. Moved in with his new girlfriend who I did not know about. I only found out a year later when she sent me a Facebook message detailing all the places they had sex in my home.
He was present at the birth and got me when I was discharged. He was out all night. I was readmitted with pre-eclampsia the next day and was kept in a few more days.
Unfortunately this overlapped the weekend and my 5 year-old daughter was left with the childminder all weekend until the day I was discharged. Of course he did not visit or bring me anything for this unplanned admission, despite my asking. My friends bought a change of clothes for me and the baby and toiletries and diapers, as well as a phone charger.
Found out about the new girlfriend through Facebook posts when the baby was 3 months old. 18 months later he’s begging again. Eventually let him move in but could only manage 2 months of the usual tricks before asking him to leave. Took time to tell me he was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder some time ago. Took another 3 months to get him to actually leave. I did end up pregnant again and spent 3 months in bed with hyperemesis and one more month of hyperemesis after finding out I miscarried. Of course there was no one to help. Luckily it was during covid so I got up once or twice a day to get the takeout and grocery deliveries. Couldn’t do anything else at all. No support except from my 9 year old taking care of the 4 year old .
Eventually moved an hour away and now we see him twice a year on the kids birthdays. Won’t come and see kids since I won’t sleep with him. I’m working 4 jobs in addition to further study and can barely pay bills despite this. Luckily I only go to work twice a week and work from home the rest of the time, otherwise I’d never see my kids.
Long story short, no love from parents growing up. Connected with this person who obviously never loved me. Several people have claimed to love me but always leave. I’m always alone on my birthdays, val’s days and generally. I’m always alone (not counting kids as can’t have an adult conversation.
I hope and pray that nothing happens to me because who would take care of the kids. I wouldn’t even have anyone to call if I needed help with something. My brother lives close by so we go there for kids to play together, but he is away half the year, as he owns businesses back home and I can’t ask him for help with anything.
Lately I have been having trouble sleeping due to stress, depression and anxiety and have been taking sleeping pills a lot. It’s the early morning and I spent all night crying before coming on here and haven’t slept. I can’t afford to go anywhere even if I could find the time.
I have not been out socially in 8 years, except to my brother’s where I watch Netflix while the kids play. They’re financially buoyant and I can’t tell them my money problems, or how lonely I am or how I’ve been longing for a deep conversation for nearly 10 years. There isn’t anyone I can talk to.
Before I got married, I could talk to my estranged husband as he’s a psychiatrist and a good listener and I felt really calm and comforted around him. But now he is just a stranger who was verbally, emotionally and financially abusive towards me and is neglectful of my kids. I feel like I wouldn’t stay here if not for my kids as there is nothing for me here.
My 12 year old tells me all the time that she wishes my sister-in-law is her mum. I have rules e.g about studying and chores and respectful behaviour and there are no rules at my brother’s house.
I crave love and companionship but no one is ever going to love me. I was born after my time. Even if someone managed to love me for longer than 2.5 years, how can I love them? I don’t know how to trust people anymore or how to put down the walls I’ve put around me. And the dating game doesn’t help, now men expect women to chase them, to pay for dates – it’s like one can’t tell who the man or woman in the relationship is anymore if they are both doing the same things.
I had to be both man and woman in my marriage and as a single mum. I’m great at DIY, can build furniture from scratch, repair dryers, TVs, washing machines, gaming devices, phones, laptops, change lampholders, sockets, tyres, do light car repairs, move heavy furniture etc – I’ve had to do all that for the last few years in addition to being a breadwinner, student, entrepreneur, mum, cook, chauffeur, gardener, project manager, tutor, valet, cleaner. I would just like to be a woman now, and it seems men don’t let you do that anymore. I’m all for equality, but shouldn’t that be more about mutual respect and appreciation for the other person’s viewpoint, rather than giving up the romance in relationships? How do I see a man as a man after I’ve done the chasing and I’m now doing the things that women look forward to receiving from their men. Not saying there shouldn’t be reciprocity, this is a must, but not in a ‘you do one’ ‘I do one’ sort of way.
So, nothing to look forward to, except hope that one day, maybe I will have the time and money, and maybe even some companionship, to see what the rest of the world is doing – if I’m still here.
After my experience with some schema therapists (you can find them on ISST website), I can firmly say it is international scam. The very fact that such people are accepted and not stripped of their title is more than enough. It is like saying “I think pedophilia is okay, but I am not a pedophile myself”. I am sorry, if you “tolerate” such people, then you are no better than any of them.
I was, very clearly shown that for therapists I am just a cash cow, and for me therapists are glorified emotional prostitutes: females who wouldn’t spend more than 1 second with me outside their offices. That is okay, but then I know how “authentic and genuine” therapists are. They are authentic only when they snap, lose temper and unleash name calling. So for a bit more than a monthly therapy fee, one can hire good real prostitute which actually deliver something real, not just talking, illusion (delusion?) and promises about “future work” which never materialized because even after few years “there was no enough time, there were more pressing things”.
And if I am “lovable” just if I pay, that is perfectly fine. I actually saw something like that at Quora: “if you think anyone would talk with you for free, then you should find a girlfriend with low self esteem”. Wow. Thus I am not worthy of “free talk”, and the only difference between “trained” therapists and girls with low self esteem is that therapists charge for their time. Time, not skills and experience and thus results.
And DBT… DBT is great way to learn how horrible person you are.