by Andrea M. Darcy
Most of us know that one couple who rushed in and stayed together.
But for the most part, moving too fast in a relationship and relying on sudden infatuation is an experience that ends as quickly as it began – and often with a bump.
What makes you the sort who always promises ‘never again’ but then can’t seem to stop going too fast in relationships?
9 Reasons You Rush into Love
1. You are Codependent.
A codependent personality means you take your sense of self worth from pleasing others. Your need to be liked will drive you headlong into relationships.
You will also choose partners who have problems you can ‘fix’, such as addictions or trouble with intimacy. In order to prove to your object of affection you are ‘good for them’, you will act in intense ways that again mean things go too fast.
2. You are counterdependent.
The flip side of codependency, counterdependency means you fear real intimacy.
While it might sound like a counterdependent would be the least likely to rush into love, it will be very intense codependent types who can convince you to give love a whirl in the first place. In their need to have you trust them, codependents can manipulate things into going very fast.
And when, as a counterdependent, you finally decide to open up? You might find you are possessive and demanding, meaning you, too, force things along.
3. You have an anxious attachment style.
Attachment theory states that in order to grow into adults with healthy relating styles, we need to have a reliable connection, or ‘attachment’, with a caregiver as a child.
If this doesn’t take place – if our caregiver is not able to provide consistent love and safety – we end up adults with problematic ‘attachment styles’ of relating.
‘Anxious attachment’ can leave you so worried about rejection and abandonment you become dependent too quickly.
4. You have a core belief that you have to ‘earn’ love.
Had a seemingly stable, ‘happy’ childhood home, but still find you rush into unhealthy relationships? It might be that love was not something that was provided to you without strings.
Instead of the message that you were loveable no matter your mood or opinions, you were likely taught you must be ‘good’, ‘quiet’, ‘responsible’, or whatever else your nuclear family decided was ‘acceptable’. The end result is a core belief that you must win love instead of just deserving love for who you are.
As an adult you might then find you are so focussed on being what others want, the people you date quickly suck you into their wants and needs before you even know what has happened.
5. You lack boundaries.
Personal boundaries are the limits we set on how people can and can’t treat us. In a healthy relationship, two people take the time to learn and respect each others boundaries.
If you lack boundaries, you won’t know how to say no to other people.
Just like a car can zoom along a road with no stop signs, you will have no limits, and a relationship can rush along top speed until you finally panic or become resentful.
6. You aren’t even sure who you are.
For some of us it’s quite hard to know where others end and we begin. This means when you meet another person you very quickly mould yourself to the other person’s interests and ideas.
Or it could mean that you are so reliant on others for a sense of self that you jump into things, because it’s only with others you feel you really exist at all.
Lacking a sense of self again comes from a childhood where you were taught to be pleasing. It can also be a side effect of a traumatic childhood. Something like sexual abuse can leave you with a damaged sense of self.
7. You have adult ADHD or borderline personality disorder.
Always rushing into relationships can be a sign of a larger psychological issue.
Adult ADHD has impulsivity as a main symptom. This means you don’t think things through before before you diving in – including engaging in relationships.
Borderline personality disorder is another condition which can leave you prone to ‘speed relating’.
If you have BPD you tend to be very emotionally intense and oversensitive with a deep fear of rejection. These traits combine to see you attaching very quickly in your search to feel ‘safe’.
8. You are a love or relationship addict.
Do you rush headlong into relationships because they make you ‘feel alive’? If you have an addictive personality, other people can be the thing that creates the ‘high’ you crave.People can also become your ‘replacement addiction’ if you have recently quit another addiction like drugs or alcohol.
[Not sure if you are addicted to someone? Read our piece on 15 Signs You Are in an Addictive Relationship.]
9. You just have no idea what a healthy relationship is or isn’t.
It is possible that you simply were never given a good example of how to engage in a relationship in a healthy way. Perhaps you grew up with a parent who was always engaged in wild and fast relationships that went nowhere, or had parents with very little affection between them and therefore seek an idealised romanticism.
[Don’t know what a healthy relationship is? Read our article on Authentic Relationships.]
Do I need counselling to stop rushing into relationships?
Starting with self-help books that educate you on how to date in healthy ways is a good start.
But if you think your issues with rushing into relationships stem from unresolved childhood issues, or might be connected to a disorder that needs diagnosing, it’s a good idea to seek support.
Talking to a counsellor or psychotherapist about your unhealthy habits with relationships can be a great relief. Unlike your friends, they don’t offer their opinion or ‘advice’, they just listen and ask the right questions so that you can find your own answers and ways forward.
Harley Therapy connects you to London-baed therapists who can help you improve your relationships starting today. Not in the UK? Try online therapy.
Want to share an experience with our readers? Comment in the box below.
Andrea M. Darcy is a writer and coach and used to run a dating detox course. Find her @am_darcy