Child Sexual Play, or Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse?

Ella, this sounds like a huge burden to bear for you. But we want to assure you that you are in no way a terrible person because this happened. As the article mentions, children are naturally curious about their bodies. It’s not ‘bad’ for children to explore their body or be curious about other children’s bodies. And children are not thinking, “I am going to do sexual things for my own pleasure and hurt this other child”. They are either acting from an innocent curiosity, or they are mimicking what they have been taught by adults. You say ‘sexual acts’. If that was what it was, you would have learned it from somewhere. If a young child has been shown sexual things either by an adult sexually abusing them, or by an adult allowing a child access to such things when a child should be protected from such imagery, this is the fault of the adult, not the child. A child can then try to pass on their confusion and upset about such an experience by re-enacting it with another child. Any therapist worth their certification would not at all judge you over this experience. What’s happening here is that you are transposing your own judgement onto your therapist, assuming they will have such a negative perspective as you do. Note that many of us have had some sort of experience like this as a child. It’s far from uncommon. You are not alone with this, you are not some strange monster, you are a person with difficult past experiences that upset her. It’s a great idea to share this with your therapist when you feel ready. Your therapist could discuss with you if it’s helpful or not to discuss this with your sister, as we don’t know your relationship so really can’t give any advice on this. So in summary, we don’t see anything to be ashamed about here, we instead see a lot to have empathy for, particularly as you clearly had nobody to talk about this kind of thing with as a child, meaning no adult you trusted. Best, HT.

Hi Bill, as the article discusses, children are naturally curious about their bodies, and often engage in body play with children their own age. But if this went on for a long time and is something you feel bad about, then it might be something worth exploring with a counsellor. So we’d suggest you seek support over this as it seems like it’s really upsetting you. If you are on a low budget, we have an article on how to seek free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.

Hi Cate, it is of course possible. It depends on the child and the situation. There is no exact term for it. We’d suggest you get the child in question the proper support they need and take it from there, and see what a mental health professional has to say. The worry should be the wellbeing of the child, not whether they have changed the story. Best, HT.

Hi Rose, it’s very normal for children to be curious about their bodies and do things like dry humping of objects or masturbating, or to engage in body play. A child is innocent and curious. The article explains the difference between normal child sexual play and abuse. What isn’t normal is your heavy shame about sex and your body. You mention ‘family friends who were older’ and we don’t know how much older that means and if you are implying there was some sort of inappropriate behaviour from the adults around you. If you did have other experiences that made you feel so ashamed or were abusive, or if there is more to this story, all of this would be worth exploring with a therapist in the safe and confidential space of a therapy room. Shame really kills our self esteem and holds us back in life so it’s always worth reaching out for support to work through it. Best, HT.

Hi Alex, would you consider going to talk to a counsellor about this? As it sounds like it’s causing you severe anxiety, and these sorts of things are complex, you deserve more than a brief response over a comment box. Children are curious about bodies, and they also learn from the adults around them and mimic what they see or what happened to them. If you were 3 years apart in age and it was not aggressive it would probably be seen as child sexual play over assault, but if you feel you upset her than we can imagine it’s very upsetting for you, yes. A therapist could help you work through these feelings and decide on a way forward, on how you would like to handle this. And help you navigate, process, and heal any other circumstances that led to you acting out as a child. We wish you courage! Best, HT.

Hi John, this is a sensitive situation, and not something a stranger should tell you how to handle over a comment. The right way to handle this is really what works for you, there is no exact answer. We’d highly, highly recommend you work with a non denominational and professional counsellor on this who can offer an unbiased, safe space to explore this overwhelming sense of guilt. It’s not about ‘confessing’, it’s about working through the deeper stories and maybe learning this is part of a bigger picture of a difficult childhood that needs a commitment to a healing journey. For example, you don’t mention simply talking this through with your siblings now you are all adults, so are we right to assume perhaps those relationships aren’t strong and open? In summary, children are very curious about bodies and do explore. But sometimes they learn certain behaviours from adults, or see things adults do that they then mimic, and there can also be trauma in how they learned those behaviours. Or they are upset about other things, so hurt other children. But all those other hurts and upsets that caused the acting out are important and are also part of the story, even if the brain over focuses on one thing. So it all needs to be dealt with sensitively, holistically, and in a way that you can handle, that doesn’t make you feel worse but helps you build compassion for that child you were. Please do reach out for support on this. An experienced trained therapist will not at all judge but will want to help. Best, HT.

Hi Joseph, so consent really matters. Read our article on it https://harleytherapy.com/blog/posts/sexual-consent-and-mental-health. But the fact you feel guilty is actually a good thing. Guilt is there to help us see where we need to do some work on ourselves and shows we have a healthy conscience. So what we’d say here is that we all make mistakes in life. Each and every one of us. It doesn’t make us ‘evil’. It makes us someone who made a mistake. What matters is what we do next. Take time to work with a counsellor if you can, on where these urges to touch others without their consent come from, there will be something at the root, perhaps low self esteem, or anger, or even if something happened to you growing up where you feel you didn’t have choice, we don’t know. But what matters is to work on the root, the repressed emotions and experiences, and find healthier outlets for your emotions and healthier ways to behave around others. A trained, registered talk therapist will not judge you at all, they will want to help. Best, HT.

Hi Tessa, if it’s really upsetting you it would be a good idea to find a counsellor to talk to about it. You might find that it’s part of a bigger picture, or what you are upset about is something else entirely. The brain can pick one upset and overfocus on it as a way to avoid dealing with other upsets that may be related but might be entirely different but from around that same age or time of life. For example, if your parents divorced, you might not ever think about that but only focus on this incident. At the very least a counsellor could help you look at why you have guilt and shame around your body and if you also have sexual guilt as an adult. Finally, and we are sure you know this, as the article talks about it, children are curious about bodies and there is nothing unusual or shameful about what you just described. Best, HT.

Hi Enya, we can’t answer that question, we’re afraid. We simply legally can’t answer that kind of question for someone over comments, we do hope you understand, it’s nothing personal but we aren’t allow to answer anything that is related to legal definitions or give any diagnosis over comments. What we can say is give the article a very thorough read it explains in details the fine lines here. The things we do know is that children and siblings often engage in body play. What we don’t understand is why you don’t talk to your sister about this. You say you are very close, what’s stopping you from just having an honest conversation about this? Yes, it will be a difficult conversation to have, yes, there might be a lot of tears, but isn’t that better than years of torturing yourself or even hurting yourself? For all you know she might not even be bothered at all by any of this, or your memory has made it far worse than it was. We’d also highly, HIGHLY advise you seek counselling over this. Best really to seek counselling before you talk to your sister if it’s something you fear, as a counsellor can help you calm your emotions and decide what you want to say, to approach it all from a calmer place. Counselling would do wonders to relieve this high anxiety and guilt. Often when our mind is obsessed with one memory it’s a way to avoid thinking about other difficult experiences. It’s possible your mind is making a big deal of this as a way to cope, but that therapy could help you put this all into perspective and deal with all the other things that are actually upsetting you, too. It’s not okay to feel this lonely and trapped by a memory, it’s not okay to be suicidal, it’s really important you get some help. If you are in the UK, here is our list of free helplines (and if you aren’t in the UK you can google for ones in your area) http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines Best, HT.

Hi Daniel, if you have a good read of the article we think you’ll find that it suggests this is more child body play. But it it’s upsetting you, that’s worth taking seriously. Why not go speak to a counsellor about this? Sometimes one memory, if it’s causing us great stress, can be part of a bigger picture, there might be other experiences that were upsetting for you, and counselling is a non judgmental space to explore these things. Best, HT.

Hi Sachin, have a good read of the article, and of the other comments, what you’ll find is that here in the UK this would count as child on child sexual play which is a common occurrence that happens between many siblings, general body curiosity in children is common. What we always encourage people who are anxious about such a memory to do is talk to a therapist, who can create a safe and non judgmental space to properly explore the memory. Often if our brain is suddenly obsessing on one memory it can be that there are other things upsetting us just beneath the surface, either connected or not. And therapy can help you to let go of all these repressed emotions and memories that will be affecting your life in little ways. You can get to the root of the issue and gain a new perspective. Best, HT.

Hi Mal, if you read through the article fully and also the other comments, we think you’ll find the answer you are looking for. When one memory becomes obsessive like this it’s often as there are other stresses and anxieties, sometimes not even related to the situation we are obsessing about, and it’s really important to seek support and speak to a counsellor, or trusted person, particularly as you seem to carry a lot of shame. You can’t ‘sort your mind out first’, that’s unrealistic, anxiety is a very strong condition that is not something we can just choose to stop, the mind gets trapped in very strong and addictive patterns of fear, we often need help to manage it. A counsellor won’t judge you, they are used to hearing things like this. Best, HT.

So glad to hear that it was helpful, and that you are going to be sharing with your therapist, that’s a huge step forward! All the best, HT.

Hi there Perry, the definitions vary according to whether it was consensual or not, for example. As you were at a different period of development it might be seen as child on child sexual abuse but again it depends on several details so we really can’t say. But what we think is important here is not to spiral out of control over the past which you can’t control and which you do not know the exact facts of, but to get support and help for the present, where facts are clear. These facts are that you are upset about this, that it’s causing you anxiety. Your mind is assuming the worst without real facts. We’d suspect this is part of a bigger picture even, when we are haunted by one exact childhood event it is often our brain trying to block out a wider pattern of childhood trauma. So what we would highly suggest is seeking the support of a professional counsellor or psychotherapist who could create a safe, confidential space for you to discuss this as well as any current stressors or other difficult childhood experiences. We wish you courage! Best, HT.

Hi Liya, the information you are giving is unclear. From what we think you are saying, your sex is female and you played with your cousin who also has the sex of female? And you were five years old? And your cousin we would guess was close to your age? Please do read the article entirely and carefully we think you will find the answers you require in the article. It explains how a lot of children engage in body play. That this is quite normal. That if the children are of the same age and both agree to it and it’s just curiosity over violence, it is childhood curiosity and body play. It is not ‘bad’ or ‘shameful’. If you are referring to the heteronormative, traditional idea of ‘virginity’, and you were both of the female sex, then no matter what happened you’d technically still be a ‘virgin’. In any case any kind of childhood experience or trauma does not mean you are cheating on anyone. It’s nothing to do with your adult sex life and if anyone tried to make you feel bad about difficult childhood experiences then they would not be someone to be dating in the first place in our opinion. If you feel strange and guilty about this experience, though, then it’s important to talk about it with someone, is there any way you could access a counsellor? A professional who could help you understand if this experience is part of something bigger, or why you feel so bad about it? Best, HT.

Again Liya, do actually read the article, the answers are all in there. About how child body play is normal, and not something to be ashamed about, if children are the same age and it’s simply driven by curiosity. At this point we are going to assume you are writing from a Muslim country where sex is not talked about much and unfortunately the outdated idea that you need to be a virgin to have value is still perpetuated? And women are still shamed for thinking or talking about sex or even harmed? It’s a sad state of affairs and we do understand that not everyone is lucky enough to live in a Western country with advanced and kinder viewpoints towards women. So the answer is no, two very young girls playing with their bodies has nothing at all to do with losing your virginity. Best, HT.

Hey Max! Sounds tough. When things are bothering us, then we have to accept that for us, it wasn’t a good experience. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and says, what a definition is or isn’t. As our life is our experience, and we are the one living with the fallout and symptoms of how our brain personally chose to process an experience. If we keep trying to tell ourselves it ‘wasn’t that bad, wasn’t that big of a deal’ then all our our guilt, shame, sadness, and anger gets stuck inside, and we can end up depressed and anxious. So if for you it felt traumatic and made you feel bad, then take that seriously and find some support to talk it through. 12 is also preteen, when 9/10 might not have been, so although it’s a close age range there is that difference, and from what you are saying you felt quite coerced and powerless, even if you didn’t at first say no. And it’s okay to feel that way. Also, when one memory is really driving us crazy, it’s sometimes as our mind is upset about other experiences too, either recent ones or also from the past, and ‘hiding’ from those things by focusing all it’s energy on one memory. So good to seek support. Do you have someone you totally trust to talk to about this? A trusted adult? Or are you already seeing a counsellor? If not, would you be able to talk to your parents and ask if they could help you find one? You don’t have to explain everything to them, you just need to make it clear you need some confidential support, we have an article here on how to approach mental health with your parents http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Otherwise, if you ever feel really upset or low don’t be afraid to call a free helpline, there are several out there for young people, google for one in your home country, they are totally confidential and they can be really supportive and useful. We wish your courage. Best, HT.

Joe, this sounds tough. It’s obviously deeply affecting your ability to feel good about yourself. The best would be if you could find a good counsellor you could grow to trust and share this with. Not a ‘christian’ counsellor as we feel they bring far too much judgement into play, so an impartial counsellor who is not in any way related to anyone you know, or affiliated to any religion. If you happen to be at college, they often offer a referral service to off-campus counsellors, for example. And work through these memories and this upset in a safe way so you can start to thrive despite this. Of course you are only 18 and if you aren’t at college, don’t have the budget, or don’t feel comfortable asking your parents to help you seek some counselling, that might be tough. Don’t overlook calling a free, confidential hotline for young people if you ever truly feel overwhelmed. In life we all do shitty things at some point or another. It’s part of the human experience. We mess up. We hurt others, we get hurt by others. But you were a kid yourself, and this kind of behaviour would not come out of nowhere but from things you yourself had gone through or learned (hence counselling would be a good idea as this might end up a more complex situation). But what matters is that you’re learning, you are experiencing guilt (a healthy response) and you are doing your best to contribute to the world. Best, HT.

Hi Harami, we hope the feedback in the thread is helpful. Best, HT.