Child Sexual Play, or Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse?
by Andrea Blundell
Haunted by memories of a sexual incident when you were a kid? But tell yourself you are overreacting, as it was with another child? Yes, child sexual play can be normal. But it can also veer into assault or child-on-child sexual abuse.
What is normal child sexual behaviour?
Children are curious about their bodies from toddlers. It’s entirely normal for young children to explore themselves with touching, rubbing, and pulling, particularly between the ages of two to six.
Until young children are taught that masturbation is to be done in private, that they should respect other people’s body privacy, and that they should not touch other people’s private parts, other normal behaviours can include:
- showing their genitals to other children
- trying to see adults or other children naked
- looking at or touching a sibling or friend’s genitals.
From there, child sexual behaviours can become less child sexual play and more a cause for concern, as seen in the chart below put out by the American Academy of Pediatrics:
As the chart shows, body exploration becomes a worry if a child:
- is mimicking adult sexual acts
- won’t stop their sexual behaviours
- is upsetting others.
Further than that, and it can become child-on-child sexual abuse.
Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)
Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) means that a child or adolescent involves a prepubescent child in a sexual act that:
- is deliberate
- is non consensual
- or is consensual, but the child doesn’t know the nature of what is happening
- is not equal, either mentally, physically, or in age
- involves coercion either mentally, physically, or both.
On their website, the NHS here in the UK clearly admit that “around a third of child sexual abuse is carried out by other, usually older, children or young people.”
And yet the Office for National Statistics, in their 2019 report on child sexual abuse in England and Wales, don’t even mention it.
By: Bill Bradford
This shows how sadly underreported and discussed child-on-child sexual abuse is. Adults can brush off a child’s report of such abuse as ‘kids being kids’, or not report it for fear of what would happen to the children involved.
Is or isn’t my memory an abuse memory?
It depends on what happened.
- Was it a close friend or sibling? Someone you often explored life and play with?
- Were you similar in size, age, and knowledge?
- Were you exploring bodies and things got out of hand? Was it things like dirty jokes, looking at private parts, or humping?
- Were you both unsure of what you were doing but were gathering information?
- Was it a one off? Just a few times? Or stopped when you said no?
- Did you mostly just feel worried you’d get into trouble?
It was likely normalised sexual behaviour over abuse.
On the other hand:
- Was it a child you didn’t know too well or often play with?
- Or were they older and bigger than you, or at a higher developmental level?
- Did they seem to know a lot of things you didn’t? Do things no other kids you knew did? And seemed sure of what they were doing?
- Were things done without asking, or did the other child keep going when you said stop?
- Did it cause you pain or discomfort?
- Afterwards did you feel sad, guilty, ashamed, or afraid?
- Did it happen several times, or did they keep trying to get you to do things?
- Did they tell you they would do bad things if you told? Or otherwise blackmail you to do things again or not tell?
- Did the other child or adolescent seem angry either before, during, or after?
It’s likely you suffered child-on-child sexual abuse.
Symptoms of child on child sexual abuse
Child on child sexual abuse can leave you with the same symptoms as if you suffered abuse by an adult. This can include:
- anxiety and depression
- constant illness
- deep feelings of shame and guilt
- emotional dysregulation
- foggy thinking
- identity issues
- low self-esteem
- promiscuity
- difficult relationships
- trust issues
- restlessness
- suicidal thinking
- complex PTSD.
[For more about symptoms of sexual abuse, see our article on “How to Tell You Were Abused as a Child’.]
Abuse that follows abuse
Note that children who were abused by children can then go on to be abused again by an adult, or to experience assault or abuse when an adolescent or adult themselves. This can mean the memory of the child-on-child abuse is overlooked or brushed aside.
A review identifying rates and effects of sexual re-victimisation among people who experienced child sexual abuse showed that if you were abused as a kid, you have up to three times a greater risk of being revictimised when older.
Why do children abuse children?
It is a learned behaviour. They are generally (but not all) children who have lived through neglect and abuse themselves, either abuse by an adult or another child or adolescent. This might be non-contact abuse, such as being forced to look at porn or watch adults having sex.
In some cases, they will have ‘normalised’ the abuse they have lived through and not realise what they are doing to another child is wrong. And they don’t realise that it’s harming them as much as the other child.
It’s also true that children who abuse other children need help as much as the children they hurt.
This is not to say that as an adult who realises they experienced child on child sexual abuse, you should brush it off as ‘he or she didn’t know what they were doing’. If it was an upsetting experience for you, it is important to take it seriously.
It is also not to say that all children who are abused go on to abuse other children, or even to say that the majority do.
Dealing with memories of child on child sexual abuse
It can be very confusing to have memories of child on child sexual abuse, particularly if it was a sibling.
An exploratory study talking to over forty survivors of sibling incest found that survivors often convinced themselves it was consensual, or even changed the story to make themselves the instigator.
If you believe you were abused by another child, it doesn’t matter if your memories are confusing or uncertain. It’s advisable to take the same steps as navigating any other kind of sexual abuse (see our article ‘What to Do Now if you Think You Were Abused‘).
Can therapy help me?
If there was one thing seeking support is fairly essential for, it’s navigating child sexual abuse, regardless if the perpetrator was a child, adolescent, or adult. Abuse hits us at the core of who we are. Trying to untangle it can release deep feelings of shame, anxiety, and fear.
And talking about it to the wrong person can leave us feeling traumatised all over again, if we perceive their response to be a judgement or rejection. Or, worse, a denial of our experience.
It’s important to find support from someone who understands. This could mean first sharing with a trusted friend who always believes in you. But it’s advisable to then seek a support group, or the support of a counsellor or psychotherapist who can create a safe space for you to process your experiences and emotions.
Need help processing child sexual abuse? We connect you with top London therapists for abuse survivors at our central offices or online. Or use our online booking platform to source affordable UK-wide registered therapists and online counselling now.
Still have a question about child-on-child sexual abuse? Or have a survivor story you want to inspire other readers with? Use the comment box below. All comments moderated.
Child play and physical exploration is natural. Children experiment with each others bodies cooperatively. I just feel a lot of people are in denial this happens naturally. Maybe because child abusers use this behaviour as a justification for their crimes and that children should not have sexual curiosities. But they do and its innocent. I`m not referring to toddlers as such because at that age they don’t really have a complete understanding of sexuality, its not conscious actions.
Every instance of sexual encounter when I was a child it was initiated by females a year or two older. I was about 9 or 10 which I consider being a child. I am male and one would expect it more likely to happen naturally from the opposite sex. I recognise in adult life it was child sex play. Well, its not really sex. Its experimentation, exploration play. I never felt intimidated or coerced although it was introduced to me, rather than having the inclination myself. I didn’t really get much excitement from it but it wasn’t a negative experience. Before that age I had no interest in girls or sex, it sort of just happened. Girls chased boys, wanted to kiss the boys! I just liked the attention and kisses. Then they wanted to come around for tea and get you alone to play doctors and nurses. But in a loving family, parents cuddle, they kiss, its natural. Mine did. So I guess the girls just copy mummy and I imagine maybe are coming into puberty too. Some girls seemed more advanced than others though. I don’t have any guilt or shame because I didn’t feel the need to resist it. I`m not wanting hurt people sexually or force anyone as an adult to do unnatural things and see it as natural aspect of growing up.
I believe people develop at different stages during puberty, get sexual urges naturally and I don`t think its uncommon where 12 year old girls or boys have an early puberty and are capable of wanting sex. My ex girlfriend (57) says she had menstruation at 10 and puberty at 11. Obviously, laws are in place to prevent the complications of this. However, its the hormones which dictate actions, not the law. Many who are young adolescents actually discover sex naturally, enjoy it and continue, whatever their age or risks. In my experiences, females are just as eager to have sexual encounters as males, even as young girls it seems.
Above the age of say 9, I believe a child has cognative ability to reconise right from wrong but they might not report it. Obviously people with learning difficulties it may be much older into adulthood. I`d certainly say from my experiences as a child that below the ages of 9 then any mimicking of sexual acts or verbal sexuality then there is probably some external influence. You’re not particularly aware of sex below that age. It may not particularly mean any sinister goings on. Maybe there are older siblings around and picked up from them, accidentally witnessed parents having sex or access to the internet unsupervised. Print was very much the media when I was young and old enough to show an interest, we often found porn magazines dumped in woodlands and read them but now it is instant access online. Of course it could also mean abuse from another child or adult.
Hi there Keke, as you’ll see in the article, we agree that child exploration is normal, it just depends on what it is and how it happens, the article makes the important boundaries clear. The one thing we’d challenge here is any implication a 9 year-old should ‘know’ if something is right or wrong and therefore choose to stop it or report. Some children are bought up without any healthy talk about their bodies, are forced via religion to think of their body as ‘bad’, and can have no idea they have a right to set boundaries. Or feel so much shame after they blame themselves. And then there is coercion and manipulation. Anyone coercing any child or even any adult for that matter into sexual activity with manipulation is out of line and in the case of children are breaking the law. Many children and again adults don’t know how to recognise or navigate manipulation. Best, HT.
sex play as a child with same gender?
I was a perpetrator of child on child abuse. I am a female in my twenties, and when I was a child I coerced my sister to perform sexual acts on me, twice. I was around six, she was four. It has destroyed me with guilt since I was a child, I don’t know how to tell my therapist about this, she already suspects I could have been a victim of child abuse. I’m deeply ashamed, at the time I knew it was wrong. I don’t know what made me do it. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and right now I don’t have any memories of being abused. The only thing I remember is what I did to her. I’m mortified, I feel helpless and terribly scared of confronting this situation. I don’t know what to do…
Ella, this sounds like a huge burden to bear for you. But we want to assure you that you are in no way a terrible person because this happened. As the article mentions, children are naturally curious about their bodies. It’s not ‘bad’ for children to explore their body or be curious about other children’s bodies. And children are not thinking, “I am going to do sexual things for my own pleasure and hurt this other child”. They are either acting from an innocent curiosity, or they are mimicking what they have been taught by adults. You say ‘sexual acts’. If that was what it was, you would have learned it from somewhere. If a young child has been shown sexual things either by an adult sexually abusing them, or by an adult allowing a child access to such things when a child should be protected from such imagery, this is the fault of the adult, not the child. A child can then try to pass on their confusion and upset about such an experience by re-enacting it with another child. Any therapist worth their certification would not at all judge you over this experience. What’s happening here is that you are transposing your own judgement onto your therapist, assuming they will have such a negative perspective as you do. Note that many of us have had some sort of experience like this as a child. It’s far from uncommon. You are not alone with this, you are not some strange monster, you are a person with difficult past experiences that upset her. It’s a great idea to share this with your therapist when you feel ready. Your therapist could discuss with you if it’s helpful or not to discuss this with your sister, as we don’t know your relationship so really can’t give any advice on this. So in summary, we don’t see anything to be ashamed about here, we instead see a lot to have empathy for, particularly as you clearly had nobody to talk about this kind of thing with as a child, meaning no adult you trusted. Best, HT.
Hi, I am having a major dificulty. I am currently seeing a therapist but afraid to tell her about a troubling memory where I was about between 10 and 12, I would say I was 11 and was holding a younger child as was minding him (he was between 2 and 4) and for a few seconds either felt the sexual sensation of him on my lap or slight rubbed my crotch area again him. As was such a while ago cant fully remember. Note we were both fully clothed and everything. I feel so terrible having recalled this memory and I am now in my 20s and a male. I would never do anything like this now. I feel like such a bad person. I so want to tell my therapist but worried she will report me to a child protection agency. Your advice would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Hi there Ben. We could understand this could feel really complicated for you. We don’t know you, or your therapist, or what country you are in, so we can’t give you a straight answer, but we can address how we’d deal with it. And you’ll have to trust the info you have about who your therapist is etc. We are here in the UK, and if a client told a therapist of ours about a memory (not fact, memory, there is a huge difference) from when they were a child (12 is a child, not an adult, again, huge difference) then there is no legal grounds to do anything with that information. A therapist would be legally bound to report a client only if he was as an adult doing something to hurt himself or another person, if he presented a clear or legal danger to himself or another. So our first thought would be nothing to do with law, this wouldn’t even cross our mind based on this one memory alone (particularly as if you were going through puberty, your body might respond to anything put on your lap. A bag, a cat, a child. It’s nothing to do with sexual thoughts. Some young boys can have a high sensitivity. Erections can be random, even, as explained here https://bit.ly/3amrD1s). So no, we wouldn’t be thinking you were a bad person, not at all, or thinking of the law. We’d be more interested in exploring all the terrible guilt this is causing you. And what this memory means for you personally. What makes this experience of a few seconds something that is haunting you even now. Is this memory connected to other feelings of shame you have about sex? We’d explore where they came from. Did you grow up in a strong religion, for example. Or Did you have experiences as a young child with adults you trusted then being sexual towards you, are you transposing your guilt and upset from that and making yourself the perpetrator and are you clinging to this memory to avoid other more difficult ones. We don’t know you, we can’t say, but as you can see there are many many avenues of exploration, we’d approach this with open curiosity and looking at how this memory could lead to something that could serve you, help you, here and now. And if this memory is haunting you as the truth is you are currently experiencing sexual thoughts about children as an adult, that’s not a crime either. And we’d tell you that thoughts are thoughts. We’d explore these thoughts and how to deal with them. Unwanted sexual thinking is a common experience of men who were abused themselves. Dealing with it at a thought level means it never becomes an action. It doesn’t make a man a terrible evil person to have such thoughts, it makes him a person who suffered himself, who has maladaptive thinking he needs help with, or who has a chemical issue in his brain he needs help with. For example, sometimes thoughts about hurting children are a part of obsessive compulsive disorder and are nothing to do a history of abuse or a desire to hurt children https://bbc.in/3gnTXUD. It’s important to deal with sexual thoughts about children, as the faster we get help, the less likely they ever become acting out. If you are in the UK there is a free, confidential charity that can help see their page about unwanted sexual thoughts about children here https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/help-with-inappropriate-thoughts-or-behaviour/. If you are in another country, google to see what help is available. You might want to talk to a charity in your country and ask their advice if possible as they will know your legal rights should any therapist act inappropriately over this. Best, HT.