Child Sexual Play, or Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse?

Ella, this sounds like a huge burden to bear for you. But we want to assure you that you are in no way a terrible person because this happened. As the article mentions, children are naturally curious about their bodies. It’s not ‘bad’ for children to explore their body or be curious about other children’s bodies. And children are not thinking, “I am going to do sexual things for my own pleasure and hurt this other child”. They are either acting from an innocent curiosity, or they are mimicking what they have been taught by adults. You say ‘sexual acts’. If that was what it was, you would have learned it from somewhere. If a young child has been shown sexual things either by an adult sexually abusing them, or by an adult allowing a child access to such things when a child should be protected from such imagery, this is the fault of the adult, not the child. A child can then try to pass on their confusion and upset about such an experience by re-enacting it with another child. Any therapist worth their certification would not at all judge you over this experience. What’s happening here is that you are transposing your own judgement onto your therapist, assuming they will have such a negative perspective as you do. Note that many of us have had some sort of experience like this as a child. It’s far from uncommon. You are not alone with this, you are not some strange monster, you are a person with difficult past experiences that upset her. It’s a great idea to share this with your therapist when you feel ready. Your therapist could discuss with you if it’s helpful or not to discuss this with your sister, as we don’t know your relationship so really can’t give any advice on this. So in summary, we don’t see anything to be ashamed about here, we instead see a lot to have empathy for, particularly as you clearly had nobody to talk about this kind of thing with as a child, meaning no adult you trusted. Best, HT.

Hi Bill, as the article discusses, children are naturally curious about their bodies, and often engage in body play with children their own age. But if this went on for a long time and is something you feel bad about, then it might be something worth exploring with a counsellor. So we’d suggest you seek support over this as it seems like it’s really upsetting you. If you are on a low budget, we have an article on how to seek free to low cost counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.

Hi Cate, it is of course possible. It depends on the child and the situation. There is no exact term for it. We’d suggest you get the child in question the proper support they need and take it from there, and see what a mental health professional has to say. The worry should be the wellbeing of the child, not whether they have changed the story. Best, HT.

Hi Rose, it’s very normal for children to be curious about their bodies and do things like dry humping of objects or masturbating, or to engage in body play. A child is innocent and curious. The article explains the difference between normal child sexual play and abuse. What isn’t normal is your heavy shame about sex and your body. You mention ‘family friends who were older’ and we don’t know how much older that means and if you are implying there was some sort of inappropriate behaviour from the adults around you. If you did have other experiences that made you feel so ashamed or were abusive, or if there is more to this story, all of this would be worth exploring with a therapist in the safe and confidential space of a therapy room. Shame really kills our self esteem and holds us back in life so it’s always worth reaching out for support to work through it. Best, HT.

Hi Alex, would you consider going to talk to a counsellor about this? As it sounds like it’s causing you severe anxiety, and these sorts of things are complex, you deserve more than a brief response over a comment box. Children are curious about bodies, and they also learn from the adults around them and mimic what they see or what happened to them. If you were 3 years apart in age and it was not aggressive it would probably be seen as child sexual play over assault, but if you feel you upset her than we can imagine it’s very upsetting for you, yes. A therapist could help you work through these feelings and decide on a way forward, on how you would like to handle this. And help you navigate, process, and heal any other circumstances that led to you acting out as a child. We wish you courage! Best, HT.

Hi John, this is a sensitive situation, and not something a stranger should tell you how to handle over a comment. The right way to handle this is really what works for you, there is no exact answer. We’d highly, highly recommend you work with a non denominational and professional counsellor on this who can offer an unbiased, safe space to explore this overwhelming sense of guilt. It’s not about ‘confessing’, it’s about working through the deeper stories and maybe learning this is part of a bigger picture of a difficult childhood that needs a commitment to a healing journey. For example, you don’t mention simply talking this through with your siblings now you are all adults, so are we right to assume perhaps those relationships aren’t strong and open? In summary, children are very curious about bodies and do explore. But sometimes they learn certain behaviours from adults, or see things adults do that they then mimic, and there can also be trauma in how they learned those behaviours. Or they are upset about other things, so hurt other children. But all those other hurts and upsets that caused the acting out are important and are also part of the story, even if the brain over focuses on one thing. So it all needs to be dealt with sensitively, holistically, and in a way that you can handle, that doesn’t make you feel worse but helps you build compassion for that child you were. Please do reach out for support on this. An experienced trained therapist will not at all judge but will want to help. Best, HT.

Hi Joseph, so consent really matters. Read our article on it https://harleytherapy.com/blog/posts/sexual-consent-and-mental-health. But the fact you feel guilty is actually a good thing. Guilt is there to help us see where we need to do some work on ourselves and shows we have a healthy conscience. So what we’d say here is that we all make mistakes in life. Each and every one of us. It doesn’t make us ‘evil’. It makes us someone who made a mistake. What matters is what we do next. Take time to work with a counsellor if you can, on where these urges to touch others without their consent come from, there will be something at the root, perhaps low self esteem, or anger, or even if something happened to you growing up where you feel you didn’t have choice, we don’t know. But what matters is to work on the root, the repressed emotions and experiences, and find healthier outlets for your emotions and healthier ways to behave around others. A trained, registered talk therapist will not judge you at all, they will want to help. Best, HT.

Hi Tessa, if it’s really upsetting you it would be a good idea to find a counsellor to talk to about it. You might find that it’s part of a bigger picture, or what you are upset about is something else entirely. The brain can pick one upset and overfocus on it as a way to avoid dealing with other upsets that may be related but might be entirely different but from around that same age or time of life. For example, if your parents divorced, you might not ever think about that but only focus on this incident. At the very least a counsellor could help you look at why you have guilt and shame around your body and if you also have sexual guilt as an adult. Finally, and we are sure you know this, as the article talks about it, children are curious about bodies and there is nothing unusual or shameful about what you just described. Best, HT.

Hi Enya, we can’t answer that question, we’re afraid. We simply legally can’t answer that kind of question for someone over comments, we do hope you understand, it’s nothing personal but we aren’t allow to answer anything that is related to legal definitions or give any diagnosis over comments. What we can say is give the article a very thorough read it explains in details the fine lines here. The things we do know is that children and siblings often engage in body play. What we don’t understand is why you don’t talk to your sister about this. You say you are very close, what’s stopping you from just having an honest conversation about this? Yes, it will be a difficult conversation to have, yes, there might be a lot of tears, but isn’t that better than years of torturing yourself or even hurting yourself? For all you know she might not even be bothered at all by any of this, or your memory has made it far worse than it was. We’d also highly, HIGHLY advise you seek counselling over this. Best really to seek counselling before you talk to your sister if it’s something you fear, as a counsellor can help you calm your emotions and decide what you want to say, to approach it all from a calmer place. Counselling would do wonders to relieve this high anxiety and guilt. Often when our mind is obsessed with one memory it’s a way to avoid thinking about other difficult experiences. It’s possible your mind is making a big deal of this as a way to cope, but that therapy could help you put this all into perspective and deal with all the other things that are actually upsetting you, too. It’s not okay to feel this lonely and trapped by a memory, it’s not okay to be suicidal, it’s really important you get some help. If you are in the UK, here is our list of free helplines (and if you aren’t in the UK you can google for ones in your area) http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines Best, HT.