Fear of Losing Loved Ones – Can’t Stop Worrying?

This sort of anxiety about death and dying is really quite common in teenagers. First of all, your brain is growing and flooded with hormones, meaning many teenagers have mood issues. Then it’s the time of life when you are starting to think about a future where you have to be in control of your own destiny and away from your parents and finding your identity. And death can become an interest or obsession because there is a sense of going out into the world, of not being able to always rely on everything and everyone to be there or stay the same. As the article suggests, it can be helpful to do research about death. Approach it like any other research, as if you were writing an essay. If you have a friend who is interested, or who is also upset about the student who passed away, see if talking about death and dying helps. If your school is offering any sort of grief support, do take them up on the offer.In summary, you are a sensitive person who cares about others. It’s normal to be upset if someone you respected dies. The thing is to just feel the emotions instead of resisting and judging yourself. As then you just end up with anxiety about anxiety itself. Best, HT

Hi Nidhi, we do feel the way that young people are forced to make huge decisions about their future is quite backwards. When we are 18-20 we really don’t know ourselves well at all. But because of that, to be totally unsure about your career and future at aged 24 is actually normal. You’d be amazed how many people feel this way. And you might be trapped in black and white thinking. This is where everything is an either/or. Life actually isn’t that. You are always free to change your mind and find other options. Many people these days change career several times, it’s normal. But this aside, it sounds like have generalised anxiety. Which means that logic won’t help as your mind is stuck in loops of cognitive distortions. We’d highly recommend CBT therapy, a short form of therapy that doesn’t delve heavily into the past but helps you get control of your thoughts so they stop you constantly spiralling into low moods. Best, HT.

Wonderful to hear. It makes it all worthwhile to know that it helps others. Andrea (the editor and lead writer who wrote this piece).

Hi Michael. Is that all the therapists said? We are curious. As we’d imagine a good therapist would instead focus on the fear, where it comes from, and on helping you go into the fear and explore it instead of away from it. You say you have seen ‘a couple different therapists’. That is of interest to us. How long did you stay with each one? Is there any chance your anxiety is sabotaging any deep work and having you jump about from therapist to therapist (which tends to not produce results). As we sense an intimacy issue. You don’t, for example, even feel understood or able to fully communicate with your own wife. This sort of issue leads to not giving any therapist a proper chance. On the other hand they might have been the wrong therapist. We don’t, in any case, think this is about death. It’s just that you have strong anxiety and it is fixating on death. It is more likely this your anxiety stems from elsewhere, a guess could be the relationship and attachment with your mother and then difficult childhood experiences. In any case. It might be worth it to look into CBT therapy, which doesn’t look at your past at all but is a short term therapy to help stablise your thinking and is proven to lower anxiety. As deep diving therapy is going to be less effective until your anxiety is calmed a bit. If there were any childhood traumas, look into EMDR. Hypnotherapy might be helpful, and consider starting a mindfulness practice which needs commitment but is easy to learn, free, and over time is very powerful for anxiety and stress http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Finally, use the search bar to find our articles about fear of death, we think you’ll find them helpful. Best, HT.

Helen, pets are sentient creatures, who give and receive so much love. Many of us experience very real grief when we lose a beloved pet. Sounds like you are pre-grieving, which happens, much as when a loved human is sick and we know their death is ahead. We’d say take the article and use it’s tips, as all the tips mostly apply to knowing you are going to lose a pet too! Best, HT.

Hi Lindsey, sounds like you have anxiety. Anxiety can fixate on one thing, like the person we love most dying. This sort of anxiety can also be related to anxious attachment, a way of relating we learn as a child and then bring to our adult relationships. Would you consider going to talk to a counsellor about this? It would be a good idea. You can even talk to your GP who can recommend you for some NHS funded therapy, although the waiting lists can be very long in certain areas. Best, HT.

Syeda it’s actually quite normal to have fear of losing your parents as a teenager. It is a time in life when you are realising that soon you will have to be independent and an adult and move out and create your own life, and decide who you are. Sometimes fear of losing parents is also fear of having to be an adult like them and not a child anymore. And when we realise that we have to become our own person soon, we feel vulnerable, and then realise that nothing is forever, not childhood, or not our parents. So there can be a mourning process. It can be helpful to take time each day to remember what is going right in the present, here and now. Things like daily gratitude can really help http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. As can learning mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. And also learn about balanced thinking https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/balanced-thinking-benefits.htm. If your thoughts get really erratic to the point it’s affecting your everyday life, it might be that you have anxiety, and it’s a good idea to talk to a counsellor. Best, HT.

Hi Mary, we have many clients with no family at all, totally alone, and they do struggle, particularly if they never developed intimacy bonds before as they were not taught how to. Sounds like at this point you do actually have people in your life you are bonded with, but your worries and anxiety about the future are blocking your ability to enjoy what you have. Our question for you is, do YOU believe in yourself? Do YOU care about yourself? If not, where does this disconnection come from? Are you able to make new friends? If not, what stops you? And would you be willing to, even now, gather up your courage and develop a relationship with yourself? Which, in our opinion, is the most important of all, and it’s never to late to work on? It’s only once we truly feel happy with our own company that we can feel safe in the world and feel safe connecting with all those around us, including new friends. We would advise some sort of counselling to deal with this level of worry and disconnection from self. We also have clients who married again in their seventies, or developed new interests or social lives and surprised themselves. Until then, you might want to learn mindfulness https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm which helps you to stay in the present. Best, HT.

Hi there. Have you ever talked to someone about all of this? A professional? That’s a lot to go through so not surprising you’d have anxiety. You see it’s actually normal when transitioning into adult independence to have anxiety about parents dying. We see this in a lot of young adults. Being a teenager is the time we explore who we are outside of those around us, which means we also have to face up to the fact we are separate, and that those around us are not forever. And striking out on our own and being independent also makes us realise and that we can’t rely on anyone to always be there and have to learn how to depend on ourselves. This normal processing might be far more difficult for you simply due to such a sudden loss. So we would say worth talking to someone. As for ‘stopping it’, resistance often makes things worse. What about just accepting it? Right now, at this time in your life, things seem scary. And that’s okay. Right now, you have thoughts that are irrational. And that’s ok, too. They are thoughts, not who you are. Right now you worry you can’t cope without someone else. But in fact you have already proven that you can cope and continue without others. Focus on each day, and on not panicking in the face of thoughts, and reach out for support. Best, HT.

Hi Kasra, it’s a good goal, acceptance. The problem with acceptance is that it’s far easier said than done. Sometimes what we need to accept instead is our discomfort. What if it’s okay to be afraid of losing someone? If it’s okay to have negative thoughts about what might happen? Can you accept that you have these thoughts, then continue on, regardless? And recognise that you are not your thoughts? That thoughts are just thoughts? Also note that 20 is a common age to have this sort of fear, it’s the age you are moving towards independence from your family. And the more you must rely on yourself, the more you must realise that nothing is forever. As for this other situation, yes, it might be colouring this new relationship. But we’d imagine it goes far deeper than that. What did you learn about love and relationships growing up for example? And how is your self esteem? As for self-help tools, we’d really recommend mindfulness. We have a free guide to it here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm Best, HT

Hi Charlotte, it’s a strange time in the world, a lot of people are feeling anxious and having negative thoughts. Try to go easy on yourself. It’s also fine to cry now and then, it can be cathartic and useful. Best, HT.

Hi there. We can’t make a diagnosis based on a comment, we don’t know you or the entire situation. It’s normal for teens to worry about their parents dying as they are now expected to become independent and this can cause anxiety. But it sounds like you are dependent on your Mother and having severe anxiety. Do you have friends and a social life? Or your own interests? What sort of relationship have you had growing up with your Mother? Did she depend on you? Or stop you from having your own life? Does she control your life? These are things you would look at with a counsellor or therapist. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Would you be able to seek support?

Glad to be of help!

Hi Jlna, we don’t like the word ‘normal’. There isn’t really any ‘normal’. Everyone has their own issues, obvious or not. We are all just people doing our best. We can’t really say as we would need to know you and your history, but it sounds like you have anxiety. Anxiety causes our brain to fixate on one thing, and for you it’s people you love dying. As you love your mother most, it’s her you focus on the most. And we’d imagine there might also be some family issues, given that you don’t even feel you can talk to your family openly about this. It’s a good idea to seek some support about this. Is there a counsellor at school you could talk to? Or could you suggest to your mother you are feeling anxious and would like to talk to someone, without having to explain all to her? And she might help you find a counsellor? We have an article here about how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Best, HT.

Darcy, it really sounds like anxiety disorder. We can’t be sure, we obviously can’t diagnose based on a comment, but as a doctor, we are sure you’d tell someone with physical symptoms to get support. We’d highly advise given these mental symptoms to get support. Anxiety picks one thing to overfocus on obsessively, and your mind has settled on the death of your friend’s father. Plus it’s hardly surprising you have developed anxiety, being a doctor during Covid is incredibly stressful and there has been such a rise in anxiety and depression amongst healthcare workers that some places were offering free therapy in the UK to healthcare workers earlier in the year. In fact the thing that is most stressing you out could be work, anxiety tends to find something outside of the main issue to obsess on. Does your workplace provide any mental health support? If they do, take it. Otherwise, is there another way you can access support? Online therapy is very good for anxiety and doesn’t involve leaving home or endangering your parents health. Don’t at all feel like you are ‘weak’ to be having this crisis, quite honestly it would be far more worrisome, as a doctor dealing with the pandemic, if you didn’t have mental health symptoms. It’s actually. a healthy response to a very unhealthy and unheard of situation, your mind’s way of letting you know its stress limits. Again, do reach out for some support. Self help methods to look into include mindfulness (there are some easy to follow apps which can help) and breathing exercises for stress, lots of videos on Youtube. Be gentle on yourself, you are navigating a lot. But don’t trick yourself into thinking that self help is enough, seek support. We know as a caregiver the last person we can give care to can be ourselves. Try not to fall into that trap. We help others best if we help ourselves first. Best, HT.

Hi Emma, as we enter the phase we realise we are going to one day have to be in charge of our lives and be independent, we can start to panic about the people we have always relied on. A lot of teenagers go through a phase of realising their parents will one day die and then being really scared. But if you have anxiety, your anxiety can focus on this fear and make it so big it starts to make daily coping hard. We think it would be great if you had someone to talk to about this, outside of the situation. Is there a counsellor at school you would be comfortable talking to? If not, would you be comfortable telling your parents you feel anxious and would like to talk to someone, a counsellor or therapist? We have an article about how to bring up mental health with your parents here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. IF you are in the UK, you can also speak to your GP who can then refer you to someone. There are also free helplines for teens, you can find the UK ones here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. If you aren’t in the UK, google for one near you. Best, HT.

Hi Benjamin. As you’ll see in some of our other responses, it’s actually normal to start worrying about your loved ones dying when you are a teenager. It’s the part of life you start to realise you will soon be independent, and that you are mortal, and that one day you will lose everyone. It’s a lot to digest and takes time but is a normal part of our social development. Have you talked to your family about these worries? Or do you have a trusted person you can discuss death and dying with? They are useful topics to learn about and discuss as they are an inevitable part of life. If you find that your worry gets bigger and bigger, and that you have other symptoms that match those of anxiety, it might be worth talking to a counsellor. Best, HT.

Hi Pamela, unfortunately we can’t help you understand it based on a comment, as you, like all of us, are a complex person made up of a lifetime of experiences. As the article discusses, there can be so many reasons why we are anxious about a certain person dying, from fear of our own mortality, to a certain kind of relationship with that person. But given that it is causing you such anxiety, why not find someone who can help you understand it? A talk therapist could create a safe, non judgemental space for you to look at this issue and perhaps the other issues that arise connected to it. So if you could gather up your courage and find someone to talk to, we’d advise it. If you are on a tight budget, here in the UK you can speak to your GP and they can refer you for talk therapy, although there can be a wait time. Best, HT.

Hi Mira, if you read through the other comments here on this article, you will find you aren’t alone, and we discuss how this is a normal thing that happens when an adolescent realising your own mortality and that soon you have to strike out on your own in the world. We recommend that you see this anxiety as serious even if it is not a physical thing and do talk to someone, introverted or not. Is there a counsellor at school? A friend or relative you trust? Talking about these things with a trusted person can help you feel less alone and can make a world of difference. best, HT.

Hi Bernard, sounds tough. This sort of emotional pain that has not gone away on its own deserves proper attention, not some random comment from a blog team. We highly advise you see the help of a professional counsellor or therapist. If you are on a low budget, use our article on finding low cost counselling for inspiration http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.

Hi there HD. That is a heck of a lot for one person to bear. Anxiety actually feels a normal response considering. Your brain is overwhelmed and trying to protect you. Grief is a strange beast. It takes a lot of time to process, and comes with a lot of symptoms you’d probably recognise if you read some of our articles on loss and grief. And it’s often a very, very good idea to seek some support. Is there a reason you haven’t talked to a grief counsellor? Most colleges now offer free to low cost counselling as well, we’d highly advise you take advantage of whatever is on offer. Gather up your courage and seek support. It is a sign of strength, to be brave enough to seek support and take care of ourselves, more than any idea of trying to ‘bear it’ alone which tends to just mean we suffer a lot more and way longer. On an additional note, if your fear of water doesn’t clear up after counselling, you might want to try clinical hypnotherapy or EMDR, which can directly deal with anxiety and fear around a clearly defined traumatic event like what you lived through. best, HT.

Hi Isabella, if you have a read of all the other comments you’ll see that you are far from alone with all this and it’s very common for teens to start to panic about one day losing their parents. You are at a time in your life where you are realising that soon you have to be independent and fend for yourself. And you are developing your individual identity that will then carry you through life and realising things about mortality. Trying to ‘stop thinking’ never works in fact it s counterproductive, the thoughts tend to come back stronger. What is better is to talk about this. Why not talk to your Mom about how you have been realising that nothing is forever and it makes you sad that one day you’ll be a grown up alone and she won’t be there? We all actually, all us humans of all ages, feel sad to consider we will lose loved ones, but we all, each one of us will. It’s part of life, less talked about in Western culture than other countries, but a healthy thing to talk about. (Use our search bar to find our article about Death Anxiety, it will also be useful) Or talk to friends or relatives who might have similar thoughts. You might find journalling helpful. And it’s a good idea to talk to a school counsellor too, they would very much understand. Again, death and loss is a part of life. As a teenager we start to realise that, and navigating these realisations is a normal part of growing up. Best, HT.

Hi there Amy, believe it or not these are normal symptoms of grief. You need to go read or articles on grief and bereavement. Is there a counselling service at your school? Or do you have access to grief counselling? Also consider joining forums where you can touch base with others currently dealing with a loss. And go easy on yourself. Grief takes a long time to get through. Lower your expectations. It sounds like you were already far too hard on yourself, you are only a student with your life ahead of you and you are already worried about fulfilling dreams, and it seems grief has only exacerbated this, so please do seek that support. Best, HT.

Hi Jane, that’s a powerful realisation! What could help you do that? Figure out who you are ?By the way, we have some articles on identity, that might help. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-listen-to-yourself.htm On how to know your own thoughts and feelings. And ones on identity https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm and https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/a-sense-of-self-who-am-i.htm. Best, HT.

Hi Sharon, on one hand, we get it. Animals are so precious, and easier to love than other humans as they ask less of us, are easier to understand, and can give so much affection without strings. But we do worry when you say you have no one else or would want to die without your pet, as no matter how much we love a person, pet, or even an object, this is an over dependence. What is the root of having no one else? Have you ever thought about seeking support over this, to look at what holds you back from relating with others? Best, HT.

Hi Sharon, we just want to say congratulations for having the courage to put yourself out there for support, it’s always that first step that is hardest. You are right re bullies. When we grow up in an abusive home, that is our idea of ‘home’, so we naturally can keep choosing it again and again until we realise what is happening. Therapy really helps. What it also helps with is that it helps us be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves. Often when we were abused and neglected without realising it we carry it into adulthood and in tiny ways are constantly abusing and been mean to ourselves. We don’t take care of our health, we alienate ourselves, we don’t follow our dreams… and those around us take our signal and also treat us badly. The more we have compassion and kindness for ourselves, the more we slowly start to meet a different sort of person. It’s a long process that can be challenging, but keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are really glad the site is helping. And again we really truly get that animals are sentient beings who matter as much as other humans to many of us, and that is brutally painful when they move on. But we also truly believe she would not want you to be unhappy without her, but she would be happier to know you were ok when she does move on. Animals can be like little guardian angels from another realm, but they desire our wellbeing, that is why they find us. Best, HT.

Hi Emily, if you scroll through the other comments, you can find comfort in the fact this is often a normal part of teenage years. We’d imagine that, unless these thoughts are also joined by many other anxious thoughts, that they will just fade with time. If you are having many other dark, anxious thoughts, however, then we’d advise seeing a counsellor to see if it’s anxiety. Otherwise, clinical hypnotherapy can be helpful, as can teaching yourself how to have balanced thoughts https://bit.ly/thinkbalance. Best, HT.

hi Alice, if you read through the comments, you’ll find you are in good company. A lot of young people have this fear. It starts when as an adolescent you realise that life is limited and not forever and one day you have to be independent of your parents. So in your case, it’s started a bit young. We’d imagine you are rather bright and that your tendency to think a lot has started this a bit early. What concerns us is that you don’t feel you can talk to your parents. You’d be surprised how much they might understand it. Everyone goes through this at some point, realising life is not forever and we all die and feeling anxious about that. So we’d say it’s worth giving them a try and not assuming you know how they would respond. It sounds also that this isn’t just about a fear of loss but that you might be developing anxiety. In this case it is important to seek help. Which might mean talking to your parents or a school counsellor and letting them know your thoughts are getting out of control and upsetting you. We have an article here on how to talk to your parents about mental health http://bit.ly/talktoparents. We are pretty sure if they had any idea you were struggling they would want to help. They are your parents. Also, we think you could benefit from a gratitude practise to help teach your mind to keep a more balanced perspective http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. And don’t overlook calling a free, confidential helpline if you are feeling really lost, there are many just for teens where you can even text or send emails, we have a list of the ones here in the UK here if not google for one in your area http://bit.ly/HTrelationshipguide. Finally, you are not your thoughts. thoughts are just thoughts, we are something more. And when life happens, we tend to rise to the occassion in ways we never thought we’d be able to. Life can be be tough sometimes, but it’s also beautiful, and without challenges we’d never grow as people. Best, HT.

Hi F, it’s curious that you say you have tried several courses of therapy. What has you stopping the therapy? Changing therapists? You see change is hard. Very hard. It requires working through the uncomfortable bits. Therapy has a lot of uncomfortable bits, also bits that seem pointless and feel like plateau-ing, or pulling teeth… and then breakthroughs happen. But you have to commit and stick it out. So then what it is that impedes this? Is it the type of therapy? Have you not found the right ‘click’ with a therapist themselves? Or…? Sometimes it can be that deep down we think we want change but we might not. Somehow, in ways it can take a lot of courage to admit to, we benefit from the world view we have decided is ‘based on reality’. We don’t necessarily agree that all of your thoughts are, we sense what is called ‘cognitive distortions’ going on, thinking that we have decided is reality but is our own distorted take on things. Whatever the case might be for you, we don’t think we have any right to tell you what’s what or how you can have any breakthrough based on a comment, as it is so much better to work with someone who can get to know you, and we worry you are just seeking endless opinions but will somehow turn it around to the same conclusion every time… that you are hopeless, that nothing can change.When you aren’t. Again, worth asking how it benefits you to decide you are broken and can’t be fixed. Finally, you obviously have a very strong mind that might on some levels not want to change. So you could try a modality that is less talk and more other ways of working, to circumvent your strong beliefs and work regardless if you do or don’t think you are beyond help. Such as as EMDR, clinical hypnotherapy, BWRT, and body psychotherapy. We’d highly recommend EMDR and BWRT to start as they both deal directly at changing the brain’s trauma response. Best, HT.

F this is actually a common issue with those who grew up in a precarious household. You mentioned your Father died when you were young and your mother became an alcoholic. What happens is that as a child we learn to read the damaged adult’s response very carefully and then be what they want us to be so we don’t risk negative attention and also so we get the positive attention we need to survive. This is also called codependency, we learn to create an identity based on bending who we are to make those around us happy. Again this can also just be a survival game, a way to avoid upsetting a parent who is unstable. The problem is that the child gets so used to hiding their anger and sadness and morphing to what they need to be that it becomes an ingrained habit. So then as adults we have this habit so perfected we think it is who we are even. Our own real identity can be largely lost in the fray. Then when we go to the hairdresser, dentist, or, yes, therapist, even if we practice saying what we want to say in advance suddenly there we are, saying just what we think that person wants us to say, being another person, actually (and walking out with the haircut we didn’t want!). After we feel anxious and uncomfortable as we are aware we can’t just be ourselves around others (you also mention this sort of pattern in all your social interactions). So a way to deal with this is to say right away in a first session, something along lines of, “I have a problem with pleasing, of being what I think a therapist wants, going into pleasing mode, I think I am scared of not being liked by a therapist, I want to discuss this now so I don’t do endless sessions where I am really not asking for what I need.” You say you want to be like the relaxed people around you, they are likely relaxed as they don’t have a radar constantly scanning for what others want and aren’t distracted and stressed by unconsciously trying to meet that perceived need, does that make sense? They are able to just be themselves likely because as a child this was not held against them. As for the reasons, a classic example is that always feeling different and unloved benefits us in that we can give ourselves an excuse to not try difficult situations, a way to avoid other hurt, and a way to feel sorry for ourselves, or even special, in a backwards way. Or we can use it to gain attention and support from others, even, sympathy. We aren’t saying these are your reasons, but we are pointing out there can be many benefits. BWRT and EMDR can really help to soothe this way of always living in ‘switched on’ mode, as it lowers and regulates the stress response that is connected to it. Best, HT.

Hi there Laura, this feels to us to be about much more than just this situation. Perhaps even an issue with connection and loneliness and never feeling like you fit in that we’d guess pre-dates meeting your wife. Would you consider going to counselling? We think it would be tremendously helpful for you, these are just the kinds of issues and anxieties talk therapy is perfect for, and we feel that it could make a real difference not just to this situation, but also your daily life. Best, HT.

Hi there L. So when we have severe anxiety, our brain tends to pick one thing as it’s main ‘go to’, to feed the anxiety. And your has picked your parent’s death. Death is a common thing to have as a anxiety focus point. But the real issue is still the anxiety. How long did you stick with therapy? What kinds of therapy? Did you like your therapist? It’s not an instant fix and it can be a bit like dating to find the therapist you are comfortable with. With anxiety, particularly to this extreme, the wrong sort of therapy could backfire, for example, a therapy that just had you talking about your problems over providing you with actual tools, both for lowering your stress response, thinking in more useful ways, and coping. One tool that is shown by research to help anxiety is mindfulness. It requires daily commitment, but it’s easy to learn http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. We’d suggest therapies that simply work to calm your stress response instead of endlessly going over the past, such as BWRT, clinical hypnotherapy or CBT. If there was trauma in your past EMDR is another great choice. Best, HT.

Hi Prachi, the pandemic has seen a very sharp rise in anxiety issues worldwide. We are definitely seeing this in the UK so we confirm you are in good company and far from alone in this. What you are describing are indeed classic anxiety symptoms, which, yes, can be overwhelming. But give yourself credit as you are dealing with it, even if if feels hard to believe, you are making it through each day. Try to just do your best with each day over letting your mind, which is now addicted to anxious thoughts, to always be thinking of the future and whether you can or cannot cope. Just cope with this exact minute and be proud of yourself for each hour, minute, and day you get through. Then do seek support. Again, anxiety can be addictive, it’s hard to shake alone, we’d highly suggest you seek some counselling with someone who deals with anxiety, CBT therapy is a short term therapy that is shown by research to help with anxiety and you don’t even talk about your past really, it is focussed on current day issues. Also use our search bar to find all our articles on anxiety full of useful and free tips you can put into practice today, including our article on death anxiety, which is a common form of anxiety. We wish you courage. Best, HT.