Fear of Losing Loved Ones – Can’t Stop Worrying?

This sort of anxiety about death and dying is really quite common in teenagers. First of all, your brain is growing and flooded with hormones, meaning many teenagers have mood issues. Then it’s the time of life when you are starting to think about a future where you have to be in control of your own destiny and away from your parents and finding your identity. And death can become an interest or obsession because there is a sense of going out into the world, of not being able to always rely on everything and everyone to be there or stay the same. As the article suggests, it can be helpful to do research about death. Approach it like any other research, as if you were writing an essay. If you have a friend who is interested, or who is also upset about the student who passed away, see if talking about death and dying helps. If your school is offering any sort of grief support, do take them up on the offer.In summary, you are a sensitive person who cares about others. It’s normal to be upset if someone you respected dies. The thing is to just feel the emotions instead of resisting and judging yourself. As then you just end up with anxiety about anxiety itself. Best, HT

Hi Nidhi, we do feel the way that young people are forced to make huge decisions about their future is quite backwards. When we are 18-20 we really don’t know ourselves well at all. But because of that, to be totally unsure about your career and future at aged 24 is actually normal. You’d be amazed how many people feel this way. And you might be trapped in black and white thinking. This is where everything is an either/or. Life actually isn’t that. You are always free to change your mind and find other options. Many people these days change career several times, it’s normal. But this aside, it sounds like have generalised anxiety. Which means that logic won’t help as your mind is stuck in loops of cognitive distortions. We’d highly recommend CBT therapy, a short form of therapy that doesn’t delve heavily into the past but helps you get control of your thoughts so they stop you constantly spiralling into low moods. Best, HT.

Wonderful to hear. It makes it all worthwhile to know that it helps others. Andrea (the editor and lead writer who wrote this piece).

Hi Michael. Is that all the therapists said? We are curious. As we’d imagine a good therapist would instead focus on the fear, where it comes from, and on helping you go into the fear and explore it instead of away from it. You say you have seen ‘a couple different therapists’. That is of interest to us. How long did you stay with each one? Is there any chance your anxiety is sabotaging any deep work and having you jump about from therapist to therapist (which tends to not produce results). As we sense an intimacy issue. You don’t, for example, even feel understood or able to fully communicate with your own wife. This sort of issue leads to not giving any therapist a proper chance. On the other hand they might have been the wrong therapist. We don’t, in any case, think this is about death. It’s just that you have strong anxiety and it is fixating on death. It is more likely this your anxiety stems from elsewhere, a guess could be the relationship and attachment with your mother and then difficult childhood experiences. In any case. It might be worth it to look into CBT therapy, which doesn’t look at your past at all but is a short term therapy to help stablise your thinking and is proven to lower anxiety. As deep diving therapy is going to be less effective until your anxiety is calmed a bit. If there were any childhood traumas, look into EMDR. Hypnotherapy might be helpful, and consider starting a mindfulness practice which needs commitment but is easy to learn, free, and over time is very powerful for anxiety and stress http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. Finally, use the search bar to find our articles about fear of death, we think you’ll find them helpful. Best, HT.

Helen, pets are sentient creatures, who give and receive so much love. Many of us experience very real grief when we lose a beloved pet. Sounds like you are pre-grieving, which happens, much as when a loved human is sick and we know their death is ahead. We’d say take the article and use it’s tips, as all the tips mostly apply to knowing you are going to lose a pet too! Best, HT.

Hi Lindsey, sounds like you have anxiety. Anxiety can fixate on one thing, like the person we love most dying. This sort of anxiety can also be related to anxious attachment, a way of relating we learn as a child and then bring to our adult relationships. Would you consider going to talk to a counsellor about this? It would be a good idea. You can even talk to your GP who can recommend you for some NHS funded therapy, although the waiting lists can be very long in certain areas. Best, HT.

Syeda it’s actually quite normal to have fear of losing your parents as a teenager. It is a time in life when you are realising that soon you will have to be independent and an adult and move out and create your own life, and decide who you are. Sometimes fear of losing parents is also fear of having to be an adult like them and not a child anymore. And when we realise that we have to become our own person soon, we feel vulnerable, and then realise that nothing is forever, not childhood, or not our parents. So there can be a mourning process. It can be helpful to take time each day to remember what is going right in the present, here and now. Things like daily gratitude can really help http://bit.ly/gratitudepractise. As can learning mindfulness http://bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout. And also learn about balanced thinking https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/balanced-thinking-benefits.htm. If your thoughts get really erratic to the point it’s affecting your everyday life, it might be that you have anxiety, and it’s a good idea to talk to a counsellor. Best, HT.

Hi Mary, we have many clients with no family at all, totally alone, and they do struggle, particularly if they never developed intimacy bonds before as they were not taught how to. Sounds like at this point you do actually have people in your life you are bonded with, but your worries and anxiety about the future are blocking your ability to enjoy what you have. Our question for you is, do YOU believe in yourself? Do YOU care about yourself? If not, where does this disconnection come from? Are you able to make new friends? If not, what stops you? And would you be willing to, even now, gather up your courage and develop a relationship with yourself? Which, in our opinion, is the most important of all, and it’s never to late to work on? It’s only once we truly feel happy with our own company that we can feel safe in the world and feel safe connecting with all those around us, including new friends. We would advise some sort of counselling to deal with this level of worry and disconnection from self. We also have clients who married again in their seventies, or developed new interests or social lives and surprised themselves. Until then, you might want to learn mindfulness https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm which helps you to stay in the present. Best, HT.

Hi there. Have you ever talked to someone about all of this? A professional? That’s a lot to go through so not surprising you’d have anxiety. You see it’s actually normal when transitioning into adult independence to have anxiety about parents dying. We see this in a lot of young adults. Being a teenager is the time we explore who we are outside of those around us, which means we also have to face up to the fact we are separate, and that those around us are not forever. And striking out on our own and being independent also makes us realise and that we can’t rely on anyone to always be there and have to learn how to depend on ourselves. This normal processing might be far more difficult for you simply due to such a sudden loss. So we would say worth talking to someone. As for ‘stopping it’, resistance often makes things worse. What about just accepting it? Right now, at this time in your life, things seem scary. And that’s okay. Right now, you have thoughts that are irrational. And that’s ok, too. They are thoughts, not who you are. Right now you worry you can’t cope without someone else. But in fact you have already proven that you can cope and continue without others. Focus on each day, and on not panicking in the face of thoughts, and reach out for support. Best, HT.

Hi Kasra, it’s a good goal, acceptance. The problem with acceptance is that it’s far easier said than done. Sometimes what we need to accept instead is our discomfort. What if it’s okay to be afraid of losing someone? If it’s okay to have negative thoughts about what might happen? Can you accept that you have these thoughts, then continue on, regardless? And recognise that you are not your thoughts? That thoughts are just thoughts? Also note that 20 is a common age to have this sort of fear, it’s the age you are moving towards independence from your family. And the more you must rely on yourself, the more you must realise that nothing is forever. As for this other situation, yes, it might be colouring this new relationship. But we’d imagine it goes far deeper than that. What did you learn about love and relationships growing up for example? And how is your self esteem? As for self-help tools, we’d really recommend mindfulness. We have a free guide to it here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/mindfulness-help-guide.htm Best, HT

Hi Charlotte, it’s a strange time in the world, a lot of people are feeling anxious and having negative thoughts. Try to go easy on yourself. It’s also fine to cry now and then, it can be cathartic and useful. Best, HT.

Hi there. We can’t make a diagnosis based on a comment, we don’t know you or the entire situation. It’s normal for teens to worry about their parents dying as they are now expected to become independent and this can cause anxiety. But it sounds like you are dependent on your Mother and having severe anxiety. Do you have friends and a social life? Or your own interests? What sort of relationship have you had growing up with your Mother? Did she depend on you? Or stop you from having your own life? Does she control your life? These are things you would look at with a counsellor or therapist. Is there someone you can talk to about this? Would you be able to seek support?

Glad to be of help!