You have tried all the advice. You joined a gym, attend groups of people who have the same interests as you, make an effort to attend work events. Maybe you even live with a partner.
But you are feeling more alone than ever. How is it possible?
[Feel like the pit of loneliness inside is going to eat you alive? Need to talk to someone who understands, fast? Book a Skype therapy session today at a price you can afford, be talking as soon as tomorrow.]
Why am I feeling so alone all the time?
Deep rooted feelings of loneliness are often nothing to do with the present but everything to do with the past.
We are not talking romantic intimacy here. We are talking about letting others see the real you, complete with your fears and worries, hopes and dreams. This involves being vulnerable. And if you have a fear of intimacy, just reading that would have given you anxiety.
Not everyone finds connecting to others easy. It’s sadly not something they teach at school, and if you grew up in a family environment where there was connection, you might not have had it modelled to you.
If you also struggle with emotions and have been accused of not having any? Read our article, “What is Alexithymia?”.
3. You didn’t get proper attachment.
Attachment theory believes that, in order for a child to grow up into adults who feel safe and comfortable forming bonds with others?
We need to have had a caregiver in the first years of life we could rely on, both to keep us safe, and to love us unconditionally.
If we didn’t get that, if our caregiver was in any way unreliable, hot and cold, or just not well themselves? Then we can end up withattachment issues. This includes anxious attachment, where connecting with others is overwhelming. And avoidant attachment, where we feel safer just not even forming bonds at all. Both leave you lonely.
4. The parenting you received drowned out the real you.
Perhaps your parent(s) did, on the surface, take care of you and love you. But they didn’t let you be yourself. You were given love only if you lived up to certain expectations, or only when your parent was in a good mood.
So you learned to change who you were to things that made your parent happy and gained approval. Over time, this becomes second nature. The real you became so buried that you often, as an adult, question who you are at all.
Children often blame themselves for trauma. So anychildhood trauma can mean you not only feel that connecting to others is dangerous, you feel that you are unworthy of being loved anyway. So you unconsciously push others away.
If you not only can’t connect to others, but you find others impossible to understand? And if others in return always call you strange, different, or even belittle you for the ways you think and act? You might have a personality disorder.
A personality disorder means you naturally see the world differently than others. Your brain is geared to think in ways that are outside the norm, leading you to behave in ways that are outside the norm. Which can mean you are always an outsider and feel alone.