Overcoming OCD: a Case Study of “Pure O”

photo by Niklas Hamann

Is overcoming OCD even possible? When all your compulsions play out in your head?

Writer Jenni Brooks shares her personal journey of primarily obsessional OCD. 

How it all began

“When I was seven, I got scarlet fever. I was put on antibiotics and had two weeks off school. After that period was up, I seemed fine. Physically, at least.

After my first day back at school I watched the Guinness World Records on TV. There was a section in which a woman swallowed a sword and then pulled it up again without damaging her organs.

After the episode finished, I wondered what would happen if I went into the kitchen, picked up a knife, and swallowed it.

I remember thinking that thought was strange. I knew I didn’t want to ram a knife down my throat. But the more I thought about it the harder it was to stop thinking about it.

After that, I started getting many other disturbing thoughts. What if I stabbed my sister to death while she was sleeping? What if I gorged my own eyes out? Or if I shaved my head?

And then came my breaking point

I finally reached breaking point while on a family holiday to Greece a few months later. In a public bathroom I saw a bottle of bleach and wondered what would happen if I drank it.

This triggered a three hour meltdown. And afterwards I couldn’t even relax in our hotel room, because I knew there was a bottle of bleach next to the toilet.

Struggling to get therapy 

By: Ashlee Martin

After coming back from Greece, my parents took me to see my GP. 

I was referred to my local children’s hospital, because my GP thought I may have a rare condition called PANDAS Syndrome. This is where a strep infection triggers an autoimmune response that attacks part of the brain. It can cause a range of rapid onset neuropsychiatric conditions, including obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

After one appointment at the hospital, the psychologist decided not to proceed with any treatment. My symptoms were too puzzling. I wasn’t displaying typical OCD symptoms, like excessive hand-washing. Instead, my main symptoms were excruciating intrusive thoughts with no overt compulsions.

I guess there just wasn’t as much talk then, even with mental health practitioners, about ‘pure O‘, primarily obsessional OCD. Where your compulsions take place in your mind. Which is why I’m writing this case study about overcoming OCD. So fewer kids like me get overlooked.

My OCD symptoms just got worse

After being discharged from hospital my symptoms didn’t get better, they got worse. And I also had the added guilt of believing that I made up my symptoms.

No one told me why I got discharged. I was left to assume that I had put it on for attention. After that I no longer felt able to tell anyone what I was going through.

I kept this up for six years. But when I was 13, I started having intrusive thoughts about sex.

I couldn’t make eye contact with my reflection in the mirror because I was so disgusted by my myself and my thoughts.

I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally I told my mum that I was still getting distressing thoughts. She then took me back to the doctor who referred me to mental health services.

A doctor who finally listens

photo by Humberto Chavez

The doctor was very patient. She asked my mum to leave the room so I could talk to her on my own. She told me that I wouldn’t tell her anything that would shock her, because she’d heard it all before.

Trying therapy with the NHS

In the end I had a six-month course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) on the NHS. I liked the therapist, but this sort of therapy focuses on looking at your unbalanced thoughts.

By: Joe Houghton

Because I was so ashamed of my thoughts, I didn’t feel comfortable enough to discuss them in much detail.

In the past few months I have been seeing an integrative therapist. And I finally have a feeling I am moving forward. My therapist combines elements of different therapies, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), and mixes them together to make it more individualised for each client.

What is different this time is that my sessions are less focused on my symptoms themselves, and more focused on how they came about in the first place. Instead of addressing my thoughts head on, we are instead going through the reasons as to why I’m having the thoughts.

At first, I was quite guarded with this new therapist, but this was probably because I had been disappointed so much in the past and I was doubtful that this type of therapy would work and see me overcoming OCD. But now I’m feeling hopeful.

Me, beneath the OCD

I have noticed that a lot of my thoughts seem to be orientated as to whether what I’m experiencing is true or false. Am I making up my symptoms? Am I actually good at my job? Did I accidentally kill someone 3 years ago? 

Now I know that the pattern of these thoughts stem from when I was little, and I was convinced I had made my symptoms up. This is why they have taken on that theme. I still subconsciously don’t know if my symptoms are real or fake.

Although my intrusive thoughts may never go away completely, knowing why these patterns re-occur has made my life a lot easier. I can rationalise my thoughts in a way I couldn’t before because I know why they are happening. I no longer feel defined by them.

You are not alone

If you have OCD, remember that your thoughts don’t define you, and having distressing thoughts doesn’t mean that you’re going to act on them.

Even though the thoughts you are having are horrifying and alienating, there are countless others who are going through the same struggle as you are. Just keep going.

Overcoming OCD is quite the battle. But whether I want them to or not, my intrusive thoughts have made me into who I am today, even though I am no longer defined by them.

Do you worry you might have OCD? Harley Therapy connects you with top London psychotherapists who offer therapy for OCD. from the comfort of our central London clinics. Alternatively, use our booking site to find UK-wide therapists for OCD as well as online counsellors you can talk with from home, therapists for all budgets. 

Jenni Brooks is a freelance blogger and journalist currently studying an MA Creative Writing at the University of Birmingham.