What is Trauma Bonding? Is It Keeping You In a Bad Relationship?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 2, 2023
By: Y’amal
by Andrea M. Darcy
Trauma bonding, or traumatic bonding, can mean you you unable to leave a relationship even when your partner treats you poorly.
Do none of your friends understand why you stay?
Did you perhaps have a childhood where you experienced a trauma?
What is trauma bonding?
In psychology ‘bonding’ refers to the positive sense of connection and attachment that grows between people when they spend a lot of time together. You might notice feelings of bonding after going through something both really good or really difficult with a partner or friend. You feel closer to them, and more loyal.
‘Trauma bonding’ refers to a state of being emotionally attached not to a kind friend or family member, but to an abuser. It’s a negative form of bonding as it keeps you loyal to a destructive situation. The abuser uses cycles of abuse and then some form of reward to keep you trapped psychologically and emotionally.
Are you in an abusive relationship? Need someone to talk to? Visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to book counselling easily and quickly, worldwide. Appointments are available online, by phone or in person.
Signs of trauma bonding
Not sure if you are or are not involved in trauma bonding? Look for these signs of traumatic bonding:
- you feel stuck and powerless in the relationship but try to make the best of it
- deep down there are moments you don’t even know if you like or trust the other person, but you can’t leave
- the relationship is intense and complex and involves a promise – “I promise things will get better”, “I promise when I get a job things will be different”, “I promise I’ll marry you one day”.
- you know they are ‘sometimes’ abusive, but you focus on the ‘good’ in them
- or you think you can somehow change them so they aren’t emotionally/physically abusive
- your friends and/or family have advised you leave the relationship but you stay
- you find yourself defending the relationship if others criticise it
- you have tried to leave, but you feel physically ill if you do, or like you will die or your life will be destroyed
- the other person constantly lets you down but you still believe their promises.
Examples of trauma bonding
By: ryan remillard
One example is a child being abused by an adult. The adult abuses the child, then tell him/her they are special, beautiful, perhaps buys them gifts. Then the adult abuses the child again.
After several cycles, the child is confused by his or her might start to confuse fear with excitement. Eventually the child can develop behaviours such as choosing to go see the abuser even if she is afraid of him.
As adults, trauma bonding can be far more subtle. We can be in a relationship where we are constantly verbally criticised, let down, and manipulated. But sometimes our partner is ‘so wonderful’, we stick it out. Eventually, when we do try to leave, we can’t. We feel panicky without the abusive partner, and rush back, no matter the advice of friends and family.
Having a partner who is an alcoholic or drug addict who goes in and out of recovery can be a form of trauma bonding. We live on the good moments, and when they fall off the wagon we stick it out on the promise that one day they’ll get clean again.
Other examples of trauma bonding include a cult member with cult leaders, and hostages with kidnappers.
How does trauma bonding happen?
By: Double-M
Traumatic experiences throw you into survival mode. Your primal fight, flight, or freeze response is triggered, and in this case, it’s the freeze response.
Your body will be on a constant or intermittent cortisol high, which will make you feel dissociated and unable to think clearly. And you will be working from your survival instincts, not logic, so you’ll look for what is good about the abuser and gloss over the horror.
Trauma bonding also happens in part because of the science of addiction. The brain is wired to repeat activities that cause a feeling of reward. And when we are suffering horribly, something small like a moment of kindness can seem such a reward we even experience a dopamine hit, which would also encourage us to be addicted to the abuser.
If you try to leave a partner you are trauma bonded with, you might feel exhausted and even sick, just like someone coming off a drug. You tell yourself you just need to see them ‘one more time’, and just like that, you are back in the relationship, hooked again.
Why are you more susceptible to trauma bonding?
Why are some people always hooked into abusive relationships, and others not at all?
If you suffered abuse as a child, or even neglect, and have never sought help to heal the wounding of childhood trauma, you are more likely to be attracted to relationships that repeat the cycle of trauma bonding.
Why trauma bonding matters
Hopefully, after reading about trauma bonding, you can start to see how trauma bonding can be because of unresolved past trauma, which is not your fault.
Nor does it make you weak or unintelligent if you can’t leave someone you are trauma bonded with. Your brain and physiology are in cycles of attachment and addiction that anyone would struggle to break.
What should I do if I worry I have traumatic bonding?
Traumatic bonding is not a simple thing. It can involve addiction and childhood trauma.
So it’s highly recommended you seek the support of a counsellor or psychotherapist. He or she can help you recognise what power you do have to step away.
You might also want to read the next piece in this series, “How to Break Free of a Trauma Bonds“.
Would you like to speak to a warm, friendly and experienced therapist who can help you with trauma bonding? We connect you with top therapists in central London locations.
Not in London, or even the UK? For affordable counselling worldwide, please visit our sister site harleytherapy.com to book therapy by online or phone quickly and easily.
Still have a question about ‘what is trauma bonding?’. Ask below in our comment box, or share your experiences with our other readers.
Andrea M. Darcy is a lifestyle and wellbeing writer as well as a coach who often writes about relationships. Find her @am_darcy
How to go out of trauma bond? is there any steps to follow ?
I am trying but after months I come back again to the person
I really understand what happened now byt I am afraid of myself
Hi Sherin, thanks for commenting. We are going to post another article on this subject soon, if you sign up to our blog you’ll receive and email when it’s published.
Where do i find this:
Would you like to know how to end trauma bonding and escape a difficult relationship? Sign up to our blog to receive alerts so you know when we post the next article in this series.
article: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
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I left with only my cloths. This is my third and final attempt. She lives inside my head though. I feel haunted by her excessive love and affection , All the I love yous, the heartfelt gifts. It drowns the memories of sleepless nights when she would keep me up with unstoppable yelling and threats. She was truly crazy when unleashed. Fights would last up to three days nonstop. Then she demand that I hug her and tell her I love her and if I couldn’t it just kept going. It is still hard to think about the reasons I left her all I can think about is how much she needed me and I left. I haven’t forgiven my self for how leaving has hurt her. I blame myself for not being what she needed. I feel no purpose for myself. Good by friends.
Hi Chris, have you sought support? We don’t end up in this sort of relationship for no reason. We end up in it as we lack self esteem and had childhood experiences that taught us love was pain. We highly advise you seek counselling before you repeat the pattern with someone else. You need support to learn what love is, what a healthy relationship looks like, how to take care of yourself, and how to feel good enough. Best, HT.
My partner has very clear narcissistic traits and I feel he’s been emotionally abusing me yet I’m so trauma bonded to him. I feel so trapped, so unhappy and I just want to be free of this now.
Can you please recommend a therapist who specialises in narcissistic abuse and trauma bond who can help me.
Hi there, we’d advise you read our article on therapies that work for trauma and seek a therapist that offers one of them http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Best, HT.
I have been in a relationship for one n a half years .initially he would shower love on me and plan a future full of love .make promises of seeing the world together .Then after three or four months ,he started getting into phases of non communication n stop speaking for days .When asked would say he feels like curling up because of his earlier experience …because he had cheated on his wife n ended up in a separation .finally a few months ago when one such non communication phase started with me again ,and I confronted him he claimed he cannot be in a committed relationship and apparently had been hinting on that since sometime .He wants us to be friends .I still consented though I started feeling low esteem about myself for relenting to this .After a few days ,even as friends he would be distant n I foukd him lying to me about his whereabouts .now I have finally snapped contact n decided not to be in touch any more .But I cannot stop thinking about him …even hoping that he would contact .What can I do to get him out of my mind
Hi Dolon, addictive relationships can feel as hard to break free from as drugs. But here you are, breaking free, so give yourself some credit. Then buckle down for the ride. It’s not easy, it takes commitment and hard work. Treat it like any other addiction. Surround yourself with supportive people. Find healthy replacements, like putting all your attention on a life goal that the relationship derailed but now you can get back on track. Take up new healthy habits to focus on. Start learning about healthy relating, and about being healthy mentally yourself. Self help books are good here. Then find proper support in the form of counselling or therapy so you have a safe space to vent in, and, more importantly, so you learn new and healthy habits that mean you don’t end up right back in another healthy relationship reliving the same story. Best, HT.
Left an alcoholic husband of 19 yrs for a one night stand , who appeared to be my soulmate
15yrs later it’s a repeat of my ex husband
He’s an alcoholic with withdrawal syndrome
Who can be a very good person however I get the name calling n oh your perfect I forgot speech, misses work because drank to much , household obligations are neglected,I get criticized I’m never around , then your car hasn’t moved for 3 days, if I’m home he’s in his man cave getting plastered while I sit in the house alone, hasn’t been on vacation with me in 14 yrs
Recently he threw a hammer across the room in anger while 4 grand babies slept over in a drunken fit scaring them half to death , now my grand babies are not permitted at my home when he’s there or to sleep over . ( daughter n 1 grandchild live with me) – daughter threatened to move out with grand baby if he doesn’t leave. I’m scared to death of being alone as I will be 50 n not in the best health.
More afraid of losing my children n grand airs if he doesn’t leave but also fearful since my grandson 2 1:2 idolizes him n his parents recently separated due to a heroine addiction .
So yea I love him, wish him no harm, want him to get help but he has no interest
Help heart breaking- feeling frozen
Hi there Jeanette. So there is a lot going on here. Many issues combining together. This is as you can see a pattern in your life, and likely connected to your childhood and what you learned about love, self-worth, and boundaries growing up. So there is no easy answer, nothing that can be addressed in a comment, but there are ways forward. They all begin with you. We would highly, highly recommend you reach out for some kind of professional support. If you are on a low income, we have an article on how to find free to low cost therapy and counselling here http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
I have been in relationship over 15 years. Feel this is definitely me. Started off finding the challenges so unusual and surreal/extreme that i had to find ways to justify them – his background, lack of close family etc. Me and my family and friends worked to overcome these issues and help the situation – sometimes with limited success but nothing ever really sorted things. At the beginning i also pushed harder for my normal life – seeing friends, visiting family, exploring own interests on own etc. Always created arguments and fights between us. Over time these events stopped as i gave up on them. the relationship seemed better as there were fewer fights. But still every now and then something would happen that would flare up a huge rage from him. Never physical – verbal… emotional. After all this time he still refuses to bring me into home ownership with him – each house i have to sign a cohabiting agreement and pay him rent and bills and pay for half the buildings ins etc,… now after all this time the rows are much less but i have given up even caring about pushing for my own life and needs. Have fallen into nothingness so to speak. I have some activities outside work but they are almost ‘sanctioned’ (ie gym). My reading of this is that i am trauma bonded. I simply cant leave – feel disgusted, repulsed even sometimes. Dont like how he is a lot of time, yet the moments of affection, closeness and company and talk of holidays etc drawn me into the ‘its not that bad’. Only thing he doesnt do is make promises for anything, or apologise. He will say ‘if you dont like it you can leave’. ‘nobody is keeping you here’. After a session of rage/ verbal abuse he wont say sorry – he can throw food around, slam doors, call me all the names under the sun and banish me to spare room. but next day it will still be my fault – i triggered him. never any apology. So is this the same thing as promises seem very high on the list here and he doesnt do that future faking – he is almost the opposite.
Hi there, it does indeed sound like an addictive and unhealthy relationship. Note that it doesn’t need to be trauma bonding to be highly addictive, it would depend on if there was trauma in your past, etc, but the exact wording doesn’t matter, what matters is that you are aware you are in a very unhealthy and diminishing relationship and that you seek support. Do you have access to counselling? It would be good if the support could be unbiased and create a very open space, as opposed to family and friends who despite best intentions have their own agendas and biased perspectives. Leaving an addictive relationship is tremendously difficult to do as our brain is fighting against us, so do not at all feel embarrassed to seek support over this. Also note that when we are addicted to someone our brain spends all it’s time thinking about them, analysing them, trying to figure out if they are good/bad, how they are right/wrong, etc…. this is addictive thinking and it’s important to start to catch these cycles and bring your brain back to yourself. How am I thinking. What am I doing. What do I want. What am I going to do here. What am I bringing to this. What is my responsibility here. How can I be more responsible to myself? We wish you courage, and again, do reach out for support, it can be lifechanging. Best, HT.
My wife is abusive . But despite of her mental and physical abuse towards me I always feel addicted to her! I always knew something is wrong in this relationship but I could not leave her. I think she is a pure narcissist. After 3 years of marriage she started cheating on me. She was involved in extra marital affair and got pregnant. Her bf left her and got abortion and went back to me and surprisingly I didn’t want to accept her but somehow we are staying together now even after what she did to me! I think i am in strong trauma bonded so I am still with her trying to figure out what should I do . Every time when I think about leaving her I feel physically and mentally ill. I know this relationship is dead but still I cant get out from her. My brain just can’t handle to think of leaving her. Now I am diagnosed with reactive depression. I have anxiety because of this trauma, having Suicidal thoughts in almost every day. I feel like a zombie. I think I am in strong trauma bonded relationship. How do I get out from this ? Please help !!