“Why Am I So Mean to My Partner?”
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 2, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Nice to others, but once you are alone with your partner, another side roars out? Keep asking yourself, ‘why am I so mean to my partner?’
Why can’t I stop being so mean?
It’s a loaded question. And the answer might be something entirely different than you expect. It also varies depending on you as an individual, so read all of the various scenarios below before jumping to conclusions.
Is it all your fault?
The first thing to notice is the self blame. It’s all your fault, you are the big bad wolf, and they are the poor victim.
But this is life, not a fairy tale. And relationships are two adults making choices. The other person is choosing, for their own reasons, to be in a relationship with you. And if they are allowing you to be mean, and are not setting boundaries, then they have their own matching issue. In some way or another they are ‘getting something’ from the relationship.
This is not to say it’s okay to be mean to someone you care about who hasn’t done much to merit it (and it’s certainly not okay if the meanness is leading to abuse of any kind). But this is to say that the blame game, the “I am such a horrible person” tactic, can be a way to blind ourselves to other, more useful truths in our relationship.
Are you really that mean?
Again, if you really are verbally attacking your partner, it’s a serious problem, and it’s great that you are aware of that.
But in some cases we have another agenda. We expect ourselves to be perfect, and live up to some idea we have of ourselves as an endlessly supportive, smiling, and buddha-like partner. We are using our relationship to support our low self-esteem and constantly beat ourselves up by deciding we are a ‘bad partner’ because we snap now and then. And we are actually being false in the process.
Relationships and people are messy. And intimacy is about authenticity. Sure, our partner gets to see our best side. Our loving, open, and warm goodness. But they also get to see our shadow side. Our sadness, our confusion, and, yes, sometimes our full on bitchiness.
photo by: Zach Vessels
Note that it can be our very desire to deny a part of who we are that can lead to outbursts in the first place.
Think of the effort it takes to hold a beach ball under water, only for it to eventually pops up rather dramatically. Whereas if we just let that beach ball float in plain sight there is far less energy required. That beach ball is your upset and worries. Held under it becomes anger that is explosive.
Is it you, or is it them?
Once you get out of blame mode, you can start to evaluate the true sources of your tendency to lash out.
1. Do they do things that actually do annoy you?
Do you have very real reasons for feeling edgy? Is it possible that, through no fault of their own, they are not actually the right partner for you, no matter how ‘nice’ they are? For example, if you are a deep person who values personal evolution, and your partner finds that ‘stuff’ silly and makes jokes about it, it might just be that you don’t share values.
Sometimes meanness is our own way of avoiding a truth we don’t want to face, like that you and your partner are a mismatch and you need to let go.
2. Do they ‘get’ you?
Research shows that having a partner who ‘gets’ us actually leads to better health and even a longer life, according to a study. at Cornell University.
The same study discusses how alternately, if there isn’t ‘perceived partner responsiveness’ (how much you perceive you romantic partner understands, cares for, and appreciates you), we are more easily stressed. And if stress leads to you being snappy…. therein could lie the problem.
3. Is your bad behaviour all on you and they are your dumping ground?
Notice when you lash out. Is it after something else goes wrong? You hear from one friend that another friend is having a get together without you, and you hang up the phone, and next thing you know you are sniping away at your partner?
Being mean can also be an unhealthy form of stress relief. We might have learned this behaviour from parents growing up. Because they did it, we took on board that you lash out at loved ones when upset.
If this is your real problem, then you will notice that your ugly side also comes out around family. Basically, once you let your guard down and are with people you love, you can be mean.
4. Is this way, way bigger than your relationship?
Next question — has this pattern turned up in all your relationships to date? Do you find that the moment you move towards intimacy and love, your inner nastiness steps up to the plate?
Then this is about an unconscious relating pattern, or ‘schema’. You are trapped in a loop of unhealthy behaviour. And that won’t come from nowhere, but from a childhood difficulty or even trauma.
For example, a common cause of adult meanness is childhood abuse. Abuse can leave a child with an unconscious belief that the world is a very dangerous place. Or that there is something wrong with them. Or that it is somehow all their fault. That they are the monster. If it was an adult you loved who hurt you, the belief might be that love is dangerous.
As an adult we can consciously see how crazy this sort of thinking is. And yet unless we take the time process and heal the past, these beliefs live in our unconscious mind and run the show.
photo by: Jakayla Toney
If the world is dangerous, we better be mean to keep people at bay so they can’t hurt us.
If we are a monster, we better make sure we don’t dare feel good things or let people think we are good. We better let them know we are a scary. Say, by being mean.
If love is dangerous, then we better lash out if we start to feel to happy or open.
Borderline personality disorder and lashing out
Childhood sexual abuse is highly linked to the possibility of ending up an adult with what is called ‘borderline personality disorder’.
One of the main symptoms of BPD is ‘emotional dysregulation’. This means your moods go from zero to a hundred just like that. One minute you are okay, the next you are in tears, or, yes, angry and mean.
If you have unstable personality disorder, the main thing that triggers this emotional revving is feeling you are being rejected. At the slightest whiff of rejection you’ll overreact and assume the worst, even if it’s just someone not answering a text you sent.
Can therapy help me from being mean?
Yes. Therapy is very helpful for helping you recognise why you lash out, and how you can better cope with emotions so that people don’t bear the brunt of them and you don’t leave yourself lonely.
If you think you have borderline personality disorder, read our article, “Therapies that Work for BPD”.
Ready to stop ruining your relationships by being mean? And to finally sink into love? We connect you to a team of highly regarded and rated London-based therapists. Or use our online booking site to find affordable UK-wide and online therapy that is accessible worldwide.
Want to share an experience with other readers, or have a question about, ‘why am I so mean to my partner’? Use the comment box below. Note we cannot offer free counselling over comments.
Andrea M. Darcy is a wellbeing and health writer who also coaches people on how to find the right help for their issues and plan their therapy journey. Find her @am_darcy
So mean to my boyfriend I need help he does everything for me and I constantly put him down and take him for granted
Hi Matthew, this happens. Sometimes it’s something we learned growing up from the adults around us, sometimes it’s a fear of love and intimacy and the more someone loves us the more we push them away. And still other times, it’s because we are with someone we deep down don’t really want to be with but we don’t have the courage to admit to this and leave. We don’t know your situation. We imagine your partner knows you well enough to see through your behaviours. But if this is really upsetting and a pattern for you, this is definitely the sort of thing that is great to work through in therapy, as it often has childhood roots. Best, HT.
I feel like I’ve settled in my relationship and I also feel maybe I can’t do better because I’m older now and do not look like I used to . I know it’s crazy because I’m soooo kind to everyone except my boyfriends / even my ex husband. I just feel like they are never perfect enough. Or don’t try as hard as i do . I do cook and clean keep my appearance up . So I guess I feel like they should go above and beyond THEY DO NOT !! Nothing!!! But even when they “ try” I feel like it’s becoming I had to tell them . So I feel so much animosity toward them ???? I do not understand it ? Im not mean to anyone but my significant other ? This is very weird to me ,and I have zero respect for him. Idk why ?
Hi there Lucia it’s not weird to us, it’s actually a common thing where women are mean to intimate partners, it generally comes from growing up in a household where we learned we had to ‘earn’ love by being ‘perfect’ or ‘good’. We grow up into codependent adults who try to manipulate love out of others by being perfect and pleasing and then hating them if they don’t then respond how we have decided they should. The issue is not that they don’t respond as you like, as nobody ‘owes’ you anything. The issue is that you think this is how you get love, that love is a power game of ‘i do this and you must then give me that’, and that other people ‘owe’ you things. We are not saying it’s your fault. This is a way of relating that you’ve probably done for so long you don’t realise your own part in it, that it’s not healthy, and that it can change. But it can. We highly, highly advise you seek some counselling over this. It’s exactly the sort of thing counselling can help with. Real love means being appreciated for being yourself, not all this effort and trying, and creating a safe space for the other person to be themselves. The other issue with codependency is that often we don’t even know how to be ourselves in relationships or might not, deep down, even know who we are, exactly. Again, all stuff therapy can be very helpful for. Best, HT.
I cane out of a longterm abusive relationship, i am in a relationship right now which makes me extremely happy and brings the best out in me.. we love eachother and we want to be together forever.. i get these moments where i am so mean to him and not long after that, i feel like total shit.. i am basically treating him the way my abusive ex did at times.. which i dont want to do but seems uncontrollable at times.. he does the most for me and i dont want to lose him because of my ugliness towards him… please help 🙁
Hi Nadine, as the article suggests in number 4, this would be related to childhood issues and learnings, and your own beliefs and issues about love and intimacy and your own self worth. Someone who didn’t have serious issues to deal with on this front wouldn’t, for example, choose an abusive relationship and stay in it. Now the table has turned and you are becoming the abusive, mean one, but that is actually the same pattern, just the other side of it. Your same intimacy and love issue, which will all go back to childhood. So there is no snap solution here, this is something you need to take seriously, to go do therapy on and decide to face head on in what needs to be a courageous and committed journey that will take time. But which will be a very worthwhile journey as it will change how you approach all relationships including the one you have with yourself. Best, HT.
my boyfriend only ever wants to make me happy but i’m so mean to him, for some reason when we fight i can’t see past the issues for weeks after, causing me to hold back on affection, intimacy and any act of kindness! i hate the person i am with him i’m so nice to everyone expect him and it’s really getting to me i feel like i’m not myself anymore and i don’t know what to do… it’s been so long since we’ve been intimate it’s a real issue i’ve never been this miserable but can’t bring myself to fix it. please help.
Hi Lucy did you give the article a good read? It pretty clearly explains all the possible reasons we get to this sort of place. It helps to get honest about what is driving the behaviour and the article will help you with that clarity, whether it’s that deep down you are not in love but just want to be, or that it’s a deep rooted intimacy issue from the home you were raised in. Regardless, going to see a counsellor about this would be a great next step. Best, HT.
I have been dating this guy for about 7 months now, when I first him we instantly fell in love. I’d say about like 3 months ago I’ve started to get worse and worse to him, I emotionally abuse him. Nothing ever gets physical but I am emotionally abusing him. All he ever wants is for me to be happy and he’s always there for me when I need him. Constantly checking up on me to see how I am, he’s just been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. I want him to be my last relationship. I’m so mean, toxic and always trying to start arguments for no reason at all. My outlook on life is shitty too I’m always negative when I try not to be. Whenever we get down time to just relax and chill after work because we work 6 days a week, he’s on his phone a good amount of time and that’s okay we both are. We enjoy looking at like TikTok, YouTube, just enjoy the rest of our night. I’m always worried who he’s talking to or why he brings his phone to the bathroom with him..like very stupid stuff I get over and toxic about. I’m deeply in love with him and I just want things to get better. I’ve been like this for so long I’m trying to look for ways to change, starting therapy soon. I just want to know what’s wrong with me and how to fix this problem of mine. I’m falling apart and so is he. I’m putting him through an emotional roller coaster. It’s every we argue as well. I just want things to get better. Looking for any feedback to help me because I’m dying to change for me and for the both of us.
Hi Lexi, we can’t tell you what is ‘wrong’ with you. First of all as we don’t know you and we certainly aren’t going to judge someone based on a one-sided comment. Second of all as we aren’t in the business of seeing what is ‘wrong’ with people but helping people find their inner resources to heal past trauma and become their best selves. As for ‘mean girls’, they often also are intensely loving when they are not busy lashing out. We see a lot of red flags here, for example the idea that feel you ‘instantly fell in love’. Life is not a movie. Real love doesn’t happen in a second. But when we go after this drugged up sort of ‘junkie’ love where we feel high and like somehow a relationship will save us and make everything better… that comes from an unstable inner self, two people with unstable inner selves. So what we’d guess is that you had a troubled or cold childhood and you need someone else to give you your identity and to feel like your life has value and meaning. So in therapy you’ll need to learn that those things have to be sourced from you. That when we try to source that instead from someone else, we are never satisfied and increasingly angry as we are asking someone else to provide what nobody can. As generally we are deep down still looking for that unconditional parental love and safety we didn’t get, and that is never going to be provided from an adult partnership. Anyway, great you are going to attend therapy. We think it will really help. We don’t see anything here that can’t entirely change if you commit to the long process of self healing. The other red flag is that you think you can fix the relationship. But you are not the relationship. There are two of you. You both need to work on things. The trouble is that your partner will have a matching issue or he would never have been attracted to you. Someone this in need of attention tends to attract someone with a bit of a ‘carpet’ side, who is an over pleaser and accepts abuse, so to be honest he could use therapy himself to learn to set boundaries, take care of himself, and not let people treat him badly. Best, HT.
I’m so mean to my boyfriend i constantly put him down not to his face but in my head and I don’t know why he’s so kind beautiful and honestly the strongest human being I know and all I can ever do is make him feel like pig when he isn’t. why do I do that? why do I bring him down?
Hi Luna, did you read the article? Just as it very thoroughly answers your question. Best, HT.
I’m so rude to my boyfriend all the time. I love him more than anything and all he tried to do is give me love and attention and let me know that he loves me. But sometimes I don’t want all the attention. Every little thing he does pisses me off sometimes and I want to know why. And how I can better myself for him. I hate being like this. I hate getting mad at him for every little thing. I hate hurting him. I don’t know how to fix it. I know he’s just trying to be himself around me but the way he acts sometimes makes me super angry. It then holds me back from wanting to show him affection. I feel like I make him feel that he can’t be himself around me and I don’t like that. I want him to be himself. I think he acts out sometimes because he knows I’m the only one that’s ever loves him this much. But I don’t want him to think this is live. I don’t want him to think that me getting mad at him all the time is me loving him. Cause it’s not. I love him more than anything but I want it to be without getting mad at him all the time. I need help. Please.
Hi Bre, the article covers all the reasons why this might be going on and what might help you move through it. Best, HT.
I lash out verbally towards my girlfriend i I feel I’m not being understood or taken serious. I understand that I have anger issues and I’m trying to figure out my triggers. I either go mental shouting and slamming doors or the total opposite where I would shut down and the anxiety would take over and I’d go quiet. I love my girlfriend very much, she’s 24 weeks pregnant and has given me an ultimatum that if I’m not getting help by 28 weeks it’s dead in the water. I’ve made therapy appointments but I don’t know what to do In the mean time except smoke weed to calm me down.
What a load of victim blaming garbage. Telling someone who is mean to their partner that the other person is “also at fault’ for staying in the relationship, despite mistreatment, because they can’t set boundaries, that is one of the most destructive, incorrect and damaging things I have ever read. The highlighted quote goes on to say that it ‘doesn’t excuse being mean when it isn’t deserved, especially if there is abuse’. So why even mention it. It’s like the reviewing physician pointed this out, but the author left in both points, which are contradictory. An abuser could twist this a thousand times over to gaslight their victim, deny the abuse, or make it in some way about the person on the receiving end. It is not ever ok to be mean to someone, whether they “deserve it” or not, whether they “let you do it” or not.
Please check for typos in this article.
I’m so mean to my boyfriend, since i found his big dirty secret. I just want him to leave me. I try to be mean as could possibly be. I cannot leave him because every time I see him begging and crying I couldn’t help my self. Lately I found that I not only mean to him but I also became aggressive. I felt so much anger and jealousy and I felt unheard by him. I feel like I’m not my self and so much frustration surrounding me. I wished i could handle things differently without being so mean and aggressive to him. I wished I could have just left him without feeling suffering.
Im like this i been with my fella 18 months all i do is to be really mean to him blame him for things he not done. He gets my full force of my temper i was in a abusive relationship before i met him. He done everything for me and is always there for me im pushing him away from me. I dont mean to be mean to him but i have mental health problems and conditions i struggle to deal with including paranoia ocd clusterphobia anxiety social anxiety and panic attacks. I hate myself for being so mean and snappy and angry all the time at him. I get so stressed to the point i just snap at the slightest little thing its horrible. I fear i would lose him one day i was with another relationship for some years and i pushed him away i was snappy and verbally abusive to him as well. I dont want my former partner now to leave me i had severe depression few times in the past
Hi can someone please help Me. I have ruined my relationship because of my trauma from a past relationship. He was so toxic towards me and I bought it into this relationship. I feel horrible I have done and said very nasty things and I have really hurt Him. Our love for eachother was so strong but I wasn’t the best person and it is not Me I have never ever been like this and said or done the nasty things I have. I am a good person with a good heart and I really want to fix my relationship. Please I hope someone can help me 🙏
I left my partner yesterday. He had been abused as a child and is just mean sometimes, especially if I argue with him. And I am argumentative at times. So he is mean at times. It just kept getting worse and worse and then I snapped and we broke up. I love him dearly. I feel so lost.
I moved in with my GF after knowing her for 3 months due to the fact that she was struggling to make rent and I knew I could help. Soon after she says that she does not want me work and she needed me at home. But every fight is about her doing this all alone. Do I go against her word and get a job even though she says she does not trust me with one? Or do I keep letting her suffer? We have a fight almost every other day. She does have Bopolar and is on medication. I just don’t know If it is me being the cause or her mental illness or something else. I know she needs therapy she just can’t afford it.
Re: Ada – there are people that carry a victim energy and attract a users to them. It’s not fair to say no one should be mean to them, when that is generally how they feel about themselves. They accept that treatment. So it takes two not just one. But the victim would always claim they are innocent and passive and have done nothing. That’s bullshit.
My Story:
In my relationship, I am a loving, kind, positive, ambitious woman. I met my husband four years ago, it was not love at first sight, it was around our work, but on our first call I did have the thought “am I going to marry this guy?” which I thought was crazy.
Well fast forward two years later and we finally met in person and fell in love and got engaged immediately and married three months later. I moved to a new country, gained two step kids and got pregnant two months into our marriage. We still hadn’t dated.
Despite the shock and extreme differences in culture and talkativeness we have, we do get along in many ways. My husband has low self esteem and allows me to be mean to him. He just takes it, and he goes deeper into silence, he’s always offended by everything, and honestly I feel he has the energy of inner sadness, inner anger and inner annoyance, he isolates himself, and as an empath I pick up on it and it drives me crazy and I lash out and it’s getting bad. Sometimes I feel he is so pathetic I want to punch his face in. I call him names, tell him he is slow and stupid. He is. It’s awful. I’m so unhappy with my behaviour. But I’m so mad. He never gets upset, and always tells me it’s okay. It’s not okay!!!
So we are now in marriage counseling but I know need therapy. We had a wonderful baby, but I know my husband, as much as I love him, he’s a kind, calm, loving, father, and husband to me, parts of his character are incompatible with my personality. There are parts of him I can not stand.
I will learn to change my beliefs and understanding around what I want so I can accept him more. I want to save my marriage, but not at the expense of my long term misery and possible illness due to stress or a fatherless child.
Pls can you advise if anything additional. I have read the article.
I have the same problem I love him too death it sucks I don’t wanna lose him 💔😭
You’re rather rude in some of your comments, maybe you should take a look at your childhood to address your passive aggressive tone.
If you need someone to “put you in your place” in order to respect them or treat them civilly, then quite frankly, you have no character. Prisons around the world are crammed to bursting with people who don’t understand, “No.” or “That’s wrong.” unless it’s delivered with the threat of force. Is THAT the kind of person you want to be?
Maybe what you need is not a diagnosis of this disorder or that one, but moral education. Virtually every religion on the face of the planet wholeheartedly condemns such behavior, so if you believe in the Divine maybe you should meditate on that, pray, and get right with God/your Gods.
Even if you are an atheist or an agnostic, you’re not off the hook here. Ask yourself this:
— Do you want to live in a society where people are treated respectfully and civilly, or a society where being abusive is seen as a normal, ho-hum commonplace of daily existence?
— Do you prefer to live in an environment that is peaceful, positive, and calm, or an environment that is aggressive, hostile, and negative?
The latter, right? Anyone would. As such, you have the moral duty to do your part, to perpetuate such a state of affairs. If that’s what you want, then you can’t rely on everyone else to create and maintain such a society, while you just bull around doing and saying whatever you please to whomever you please. Learn some self-control, and be responsible in creating the world you want to live in.
I once overheard my ex-wife say to a friend “I really should be nicer to John. He is never the problem, but I take everything out on him.” I confronted her with that and told her that “being nice” was a minimum requirement for staying married to me. Well, she didn’t or couldn’t stop this behavior, so she is now an ex. And a very miserable person. She can’t keep any friendships longer than a few months because of the way she is. I have told her to not bother communicating with me if she’s going to be abusive. When she left, I finally felt safe for the first time in years. Should have given her this ultimatum a lot sooner.
Lynne Longasun
Your husband likely is on the spectrum. You should seek counseling from someone who specializes in neurodiverse relationships. Regular counselors will not be able to help.
You’re probably pissed at him because he doesn’t emotionally reciprocate and feed your need for romance. Like point 2 in the article, he doesn’t “get you”. However, he is undeniably a good person.
I hate being mean to anyone.
I even feel sorrow and sadness in my heart thinking about making my ex feel bad, unknowing what his feelings truely were. He was never that great at doing much other than purposely upsetting me. It only took me 15 years to figure out how bad he really has been to me.
I get mean when I feel like I am in adequate. I then project that feeling back to that person. Ive had every trauma triggered by him what seems like for him, my pain brought his pleasure. I cant belive i let someone treat me like this. I cant believe i cried or begged him to stay. Feeling so ashamed and all around not good enough for someone makes me feel worse than anything.
That is why I am mean. I am a lover and Ive never been loved geuinely. My son is all i had and guess who took that away from me too. I cant even get out of this world i already tried. I cry every single day i just want to leave i just want to get away from these people. I just want my son before he stops loving me too.
I didnt know he was a narcissit,
I didnt even know what that was or what I have been pretty much trying to silently battle for the last 15-16 years. I have been dealing with his mother which is the devil in disguise. I cant even get away from these people because they either stole my son or they most likley stole my son. I have been conned out of my entire life and destroyed by these people beyond repair.
I dont even know what i did, I have done nothing but try to protect my family.
I bash them because they treat me badly and i get hurt and upset and I express how their actions are affecting me. I have nothing else, I atleast have to spare myself some respect and do what i need to hoping they will change their behavoir. I dont like feeling negative, i dont like unresolved drama, i do not like blogging about the negativity that surrounds me. I just want to be loved and to love. Life is too short and without love i have no life
i still dont hate them even after they have tried to take my life. Even when they have done everything to kill me I will still try to find one little thing to love about these people.
I just dont want to be here so they can laugh about the pain they caused me.
I just cant go without my son. They arnt going to take him from me too.
I dont care to see anyone here again i never thought id want to leave the state but my bags are packed get my son ready we are done here
You’re Lowkey not a nice or professional blogger. Your replies are rude and passive aggressive. I think you should give up the whole therapy thing
I dont know why i am so rude to my girlfriend but these things really opened my eyes and if anyone can help me anymore that would be great me and her have been together for a little over a year and i am scared that with the way i am mean to her she is going to leave me and i love her so much and want my anger problem to go away
I’m a42 year old woman with 3 kids. I had an isolated childhood. My mother ( emotionally unavailable, struggled to bond with me after birth) dies when I was 9. The day we buried her , my father started sexually abusing me. He did this 3/4 times a week for over 7 years. He raped me and at one point I fell pregnant but lost the baby. I went straight into a relationship with an older man who I married and had 2 kids with. He was physically/ mentally/ emotionally abusive throughout the marriage. I finally left him and went off the rails a bit , involving men. I met someone 12 years ago , quickly fell in love but he turned out to have been lying to me and still had an ex gf he was cheating on me with. I forgave him and took him back, we went on to have a child. We had a volatile relationship after that . A lot of push/ pull and I quickly became an emotionally / mentally abusive towards him. There’s been a lot of arguments, me throwing him out but I hate not being with him. I can survive on my own and I do feel calmer when on my own but I do genuinely love him and miss him. We do have a lot of happy times. When my head is sorted we’re like best friends and we “ get each other”. He has emotionally cheated on me when I push him away in the past but I’ve cheated on him through a time of feeling rejected. My bf supported me through a 3 year court case where my father was convicted and sent to prison for his crimes against me. I lost all my older brothers/ sister in laws , nieces, nephews. I’ve had constant counselling on and off for years from Italk, other charities and am now paying for private counselling, I’ve been doing this for 8 months as bf said it’s make or break. He says he knows we will have ups and downs but he’s fed up with me dragging up the past and using it against him. I always point out what he’s doing wrong and what he has to change but I can’t stand him doing it to me as I think he’s rejecting me and I’m not good enough. I was diagnosed 3-6 years ago with CPTSD, BPD, Autism and combined ADHD. The longest we e been without upset is 3 months( I went tea total). I have since started drinking even if it’s just 1 a day. The slightest thing or remarks which I can deal with one day , cause me extreme physical emotional pain the next. My bf is at breaking point , he’s not had an easy life either and said he just want to be happy without this constant upset . There’s no question , I do love him and want a future. The good times make that desire even greater but I just cannot go long before I’m overthinking and can feel myself hitting the self destruct button . In my head , I am genuinely convinced I’m seeing my past happening again and I attack. When I’m in good head space I see things completely differently and rationally and we have stability again. With my counselling at the moment , it’s making it hard to stabilise myself when all I want is to stabilise my emotions so I can think clearly. I know a lot of why I do things . It’s all rejection and sexual/ physical/ emotional abuse from my past but part of me feels I can’t function without it even though the desire is there. Every time I get happy and loved up with bf , after a while I start to feel more scared than if I was preparing to be beaten. The BPD is uncontrollable and it’s destroying not only my life but my bf’s and my family. I don’t feel I’m getting better even with counselling. My bf has to change so much to try and understand me but I know it has to be me that accepts responsibility and changes too . I’m lost and can’t take much more
my bf keeps on telling me that I hurt him but I try not to hurt him I don’t know what the true feeling of a relationship and he keeps thinking that I don’t have him as my top priority when I do have him as my top priority. and now i feel like he is going to break up with me
I’ve been dating my bf for a year and it’s been a great experience on both sides. But sometimes I snap at him.
This time it was because I was sad over a friend moving away and losing connection with other friends. Pretty much feeling abandoned and alone.
And I tried talking to him about it a bit.
But talking about feelings with him is frustrating because he doesn’t know how to show empathy unless i’m crying and being “visibly upset” so that he knows I need comfort and I need to talk it out. We’ve had this argument many times and I told him what I need and how he can get me to talk. But he still doesn’t get it and it makes me feel even more alone and unseen. Like I’m this complicated mess that no one will ever understand.
He tried to get me to talk in his own way. Like asking questions over what happened which I perceive as him just “trying to get it over with”. I don’t know why I get this energy but the way he asks it doesn’t feel inviting and the timing is always bad, like just when he’s exhausted and wants to go to sleep. And usually when he’s been busy all day and we didn’t get to talk a lot.
I hate being a burden like that. So the hurt keeps building and building. I don’t talk, he doesn’t ask the right questions, fumbles and makes me even more upset, then it comes out in hurtful ways. And I snap.
We talked things out tonight.
I didn’t insult him but said some things like, “you don’t get it”, “I can’t trust that you’ll be there when I’m upset”, “you did this”, “you said that ” and a lot of other “you statements” that make him feel like he’s not enough. Or when he tried to talk about his side of things and his feeling and I said, “are you finished?”
Like I couldn’t care less about how he feels. But I do…
Honestly he did try. But he didn’t do the things I told him to do.
He’s great when he has clear guidance, but I can’t guide him when I’m that triggered and upset.
I feel bad about the way this all came out.
I don’t want to be like this. Always nagging.
It’s like I’m turning into my mother. I had a traumatic childhood with immature parents. Constant fighting and hurtful words.
I don’t want to end up like them. What do I do?
This is a load of BS. Btw, BPD is just NPD or C-PTSD, per HG Tudor. Guess what? Even menopause can make a woman irrational and angry, does she have a personality disorder now? Do you also understand that hypothyroidism, or hyperthyroidism can cause this, too? Stop labeling decent people who actually have PTSD as having a personality disorder. Anyone under severe stress can go from zero to a hundred, don’t be so naive and viewing things in such a black and white way, there is a grey area.
I just lost my bf of 2 yrs because he says I’m rude and mean. I don’t mean to be. He left me a week ago and says he doesn’t want to repair the relationship. I’m an overthinker and when things do not go as planned I get freaked out and frustrated and that’s when I’m mean… He was very supportive and tried to help me through it but I guess it’s was too much. Please change if you can I lost the love of my life and it’s eating me inside. I’ve join therapy since but he says I keep saying I’ll change and never do.
I have gone through a rough childhood and also a very abusive relationship….
Now I’m so mean to the one person who just wants to love me.
He wants me to take accountability and tell him how I’ll change in a matter of a day.
I hate to say it, but I dont know how it seems.
I feel I take accountability and am trying to be nice all the time but little things trigger me.
Some times the stupidest stuff.
I don’t want to hurt him and he’s right with out changed behavior there’s no accountability.
If anyone has advice on how to fix my brain please let me know?
It’s not fair to him and I want to change.
All my life I have been in relationships where I was cheated on or verbally abused, sometimes even a little bit physically. I am a very spiritual person and am trying to learn to control my anger through yoga and meditation, but sometimes my spouse is so good at getting under my skin that I lose control. The other day when we were in the middle of moving he got upset that we couldn’t get a rental car/truck figured out so we could move our stuff up in one trip, and I was on the phone trying to figure it out, and he was saying stuff like “I already told you not to call them because they don’t have such and such and don’t have availability for such and such vehicles”, so I hung up, and he was just screaming at me at the top of his lungs, and I didn’t know how to get him to stop, so I slapped him across the face. In that moment we were both really shocked and things have never been the same. Fast forward a couple nights and we were having a drunken conversation about politics and I could see this was going a direction I didn’t like so I asked if we could please change the topic and he was screaming at me at the top of his lungs again and kept interrupting me so I couldn’t even get a word in, and I was getting more and more frustrated and had the urge to hit him again, but I thought about what that would do to our relationship and calmly said “if you don’t let me finish my sentence I will keep on repeating myself all night. Is that what you really want?” Then he finally let me finish my sentence. I was so mad at him though that I told him even though we are married we are through and we should start seeing other people. So I slept with someone that very night. Yeah, I feel horrible about it, but my spouse and I only have sex every month or two, and when we do it feels like a chore. Sometimes I don’t like to go all the way and just want a massage or something more “mild” so to speak, but for him it is always all the way or nothing. After 2 years of no passion, no intimacy, no romance, all these fantasies have been accumulating within me to the point where I started chatting with other people online just to be able to get some form of release. I felt horrible about it though, so I bought myself a “device” that was actually quite expensive so I wouldn’t depend on my spouse so much for intimacy, and he said he was proud of me and said “finally you will be more content” (rough translation from Russian), and while I get that he was trying to give me a compliment, something about that sentence really didn’t sit right with me and I started to get angry and said “well if you gave me some more intimacy once in a while I wouldn’t have to spend 170 dollars on a toy.” and that started a huge fight and he was talking about how he still cant forgive me for cheating on him and I was saying that it wouldnt have come to that if he tossed me a bone every once in a while. It is so hard because I am his immigration sponsor, so he depends on me to stay in the US, and we literally just signed a year lease on a really expensive apartment together. When I tried to break up with him a couple weeks back I said we should just be friends/roommates and just try to get along. He said he wouldnt pay his half of the rent and would move out if it came to that, so now I am stuck. He also said if we get divorced he will sue me so I still have to support him until he gets his green card. I feel so trapped. He resents me and won’t give me any intimacy, but I can’t move on and start a relationship with someone else either. It’s like the opposite of a friend with benefits. I am living with a spouse without benefits. I have no idea how we are going to survive this.
Hi, I have been with my partner for over four years now. Three years ago the anger outbursts started just as we moved In together. He gets very overwhelmed by little things that builds up and clutter etc. it used to be general issues but the last couple of years the outbursts are aimed at me. I have a history of a verbally abusive marriage so this hasn’t been easy. Just lately this has got worse. He’s calm one minute and explosive the next. He blames me for the smallest things and does not accept when I try to explain my side. He started calling me names and swearing too. I have in the past been equally as volatile to stand up for myself. Now I’m trying to walk away. It’s so difficult to know what to do.
Hello, my marriage is coming to a very quick end at the moment. The main reason is because I take my wife for granted and talk down to her, disrespect her, am rude towards her, I insult her. I make her feel worthless and unloved and unwanted; amongst other things as well. I never do these intentionally, they just happen and just come out. I quite often say things without thinking about it and it always comes out bad and it hurts my wife deep. We’ve been together for almost 20 years(meet in 2004) and married for 13 years. At the beginning I was loving and caring and nice. Now, not at all. I haven’t had any trauma in my life, so I don’t know where all this comes from. Am I just a mean person in general to the one who I love? My wife tells me all the time I’m selfish. When I make decisions (if I make a decision) they seem to benefit only me. I haven’t supported her in her life with me. She tells me often she feels like nothing and has nothing. How do I change all this when it’s been going on for so long? I want to be the person I once was. But I don’t know if that guy is still inside me anymore. I want her to be happy; I want us to be happy. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared.
This article tells you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. It reassures you that your meanness isn’t really your fault—your past, your stress, your partner all play a role—so you keep coming back, searching for more explanations instead of taking action. And sure, that’s comforting. It’s always easier to hear that your worst moments come from something outside of your control, that therapy or the right partner will finally fix things. But that’s the trap. Just like modern Western medicine, this kind of advice treats symptoms, not the root cause, because a healed patient is a lost customer. It gives you just enough self-awareness to feel like you’re growing but not enough accountability to actually change. If you’re hurting someone you love, it’s on you to stop—no excuses, no justifications, just real change. If you actually took full responsibility, if you truly committed to changing instead of understanding, you wouldn’t need this kind of advice anymore. But that’s not the goal, is it?
Wow, this article is an open invitation for an abusive person to excuse themselves. Seriously, read it from the perspective of someone who has lived with an emotionally abusive person.
Hello
When me and my boyfriend fight i get harsh and angry even when he tries to understand me
I push him away and be mean to him even though i love him so much and he is so caring and gentle
And im not a mean person in general
But ive been through chronic stress the past two years
I dont know why im being mean to him
I feel so guilty and i hate myself
He walked away and i don’t know if things can be fixed after i hurt him as he said
I came across this website because I was doing research on how to help my wife and how to deal with her being extremely mean after her hysterectomy. She has toxic family members that have always made our lives hell. The kind of people who can never be honest and will go on and on like a gaslighting policitan. Ever since the hysterectomy which was done to save her from cancer , she hates me. But can’t see that she is so manipulative. Everything her family has done all these decades became her behavior. And she can’t ever stop blaming me for bad behavior that she calls out when her family does it. But this article seems to center “How is it the man’s fault”. Or at least that’s how I read it. Perhaps it’s cause I’m a layman in mental health. My apologies if I’m jumping to conclusions but is there a scenario where it’s all the woman’s fault and she is genuinely being mean?I know I’m not perfect but I wasn’t hated before the operation.
Do you have any strategies for managing this, specifically relating to issues to do with to number 3?
Thank you for taking the time to share what you’re going through. It sounds incredibly painful and confusing, and we’re so sorry to hear that you and your wife are experiencing such distress, especially after such a major life event.
To clarify, the article isn’t about placing blame on either partner. Rather, it aims to explore the underlying emotional and psychological patterns that might lead someone to act in ways they later regret, with the hope that greater understanding can lead to healing. It’s absolutely valid to ask: what happens when your partner is the one who seems to be changing for the worse, and you’re feeling unfairly blamed or mistreated? These are real and important concerns.
A hysterectomy, especially one linked to cancer, can bring intense physical, hormonal, and emotional changes. These shifts, combined with the dynamics of longstanding family stress, can sometimes manifest in sudden personality changes or emotional outbursts. However, this doesn’t mean your experience and feelings aren’t valid, they absolutely are!
It can be hard to know where to turn when someone you love changes and the relationship becomes painful. Couples therapy or individual support for yourself might help you feel more grounded and supported as you navigate this. You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed, and reaching out, as you’ve done here, is a strong first step.
Take care of yourself, and thank you again for engaging with the piece.
Great question and a really common issue.
If you recognise that you’re lashing out after unrelated stress, the first step is to build awareness. Try noting down what was happening before the outburst, you’ll usually find a pattern. From there:
Pause and name what you’re feeling (e.g. disappointed, left out, overwhelmed).
Use the HALT check-in: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?
Find a better outlet for stress — go for a walk, journal, or vent to a friend who isn’t your partner.
If the pattern runs deep, therapy can help unpack where it started and how to break it.
The fact that you’re asking is already a good sign you’re ready to shift things.