“Why Am I So Mean to My Partner?”
by Andrea Blundell
Nice to others, but once you are alone with your partner, another side roars out? Keep asking yourself, ‘why am I so mean to my partner?’
Why can’t I stop being so mean?
It’s a loaded question. And the answer might be something entirely different than you expect. It also varies depending on you as an individual, so read all of the various scenarios below before jumping to conclusions.
Is it all your fault?
The first thing to notice is the self blame. It’s all your fault, you are the big bad wolf, and they are the poor victim.
But this is life, not a fairy tale. And relationships are two adults making choices. The other person is choosing, for their own reasons, to be in a relationship with you. And if they are allowing you to be mean, and are not setting boundaries, then they have their own matching issue. In some way or another they are ‘getting something’ from the relationship.
This is not to say it’s okay to be mean to someone you care about who hasn’t done much to merit it (and it’s certainly not okay if the meanness is leading to abuse of any kind). But this is to say that the blame game, the “I am such a horrible person” tactic, can be a way to blind ourselves to other, more useful truths in our relationship.
Are you really that mean?
Again, if you really are verbally attacking your partner, it’s a serious problem, and it’s great that you are aware of that.
But in some cases we have another agenda. We expect ourselves to be perfect, and live up to some idea we have of ourselves as an endlessly supportive, smiling, and buddha-like partner. We are using our relationship to support our low self-esteem and constantly beat ourselves up by deciding we are a ‘bad partner’ because we snap now and then. And we are actually being false in the process.
Relationships and people are messy. And intimacy is about authenticity. Sure, our partner gets to see our best side. Our loving, open, and warm goodness. But they also get to see our shadow side. Our sadness, our confusion, and, yes, sometimes our full on bitchiness.

photo by: Zach Vessels
Note that it can be our very desire to deny a part of who we are that can lead to outbursts in the first place.
Think of the effort it takes to hold a beach ball under water, only for it to eventually pops up rather dramatically. Whereas if we just let that beach ball float in plain sight there is far less energy required. That beach ball is your upset and worries. Held under it becomes anger that is explosive.
Is it you, or is it them?
Once you get out of blame mode, you can start to evaluate the true sources of your tendency to lash out.
1. Do they do things that actually do annoy you?
Do you have very real reasons for feeling edgy? Is it possible that, through no fault of their own, they are not actually the right partner for you, no matter how ‘nice’ they are? For example, if you are a deep person who values personal evolution, and your partner finds that ‘stuff’ silly and makes jokes about it, it might just be that you don’t share values.
Sometimes meanness is our own way of avoiding a truth we don’t want to face, like that you and your partner are a mismatch and you need to let go.
2. Do they ‘get’ you?
Research shows that having a partner who ‘gets’ us actually leads to better health and even a longer life, according to a study. at Cornell University.
The same study discusses how alternately, if there isn’t ‘perceived partner responsiveness’ (how much you perceive you romantic partner understands, cares for, and appreciates you), we are more easily stressed. And if stress leads to you being snappy…. therein could lie the problem.
3. Is your bad behaviour all on you and they are your dumping ground?
Notice when you lash out. Is it after something else goes wrong? You hear from one friend that another friend is having a get together without you, and you hang up the phone, and next thing you know you are sniping away at your partner?
Being mean can also be an unhealthy form of stress relief. We might have learned this behaviour from parents growing up. Because they did it, we took on board that you lash out at loved ones when upset.
If this is your real problem, then you will notice that your ugly side also comes out around family. Basically, once you let your guard down and are with people you love, you can be mean.
4. Is this way, way bigger than your relationship?
Next question — has this pattern turned up in all your relationships to date? Do you find that the moment you move towards intimacy and love, your inner nastiness steps up to the plate?
Then this is about an unconscious relating pattern, or ‘schema’. You are trapped in a loop of unhealthy behaviour. And that won’t come from nowhere, but from a childhood difficulty or even trauma.
For example, a common cause of adult meanness is childhood abuse. Abuse can leave a child with an unconscious belief that the world is a very dangerous place. Or that there is something wrong with them. Or that it is somehow all their fault. That they are the monster. If it was an adult you loved who hurt you, the belief might be that love is dangerous.
As an adult we can consciously see how crazy this sort of thinking is. And yet unless we take the time process and heal the past, these beliefs live in our unconscious mind and run the show.

photo by: Jakayla Toney
If the world is dangerous, we better be mean to keep people at bay so they can’t hurt us.
If we are a monster, we better make sure we don’t dare feel good things or let people think we are good. We better let them know we are a scary. Say, by being mean.
If love is dangerous, then we better lash out if we start to feel to happy or open.
Borderline personality disorder and lashing out
Childhood sexual abuse is highly linked to the possibility of ending up an adult with what is called ‘borderline personality disorder’.
One of the main symptoms of BPD is ‘emotional dysregulation’. This means your moods go from zero to a hundred just like that. One minute you are okay, the next you are in tears, or, yes, angry and mean.
If you have unstable personality disorder, the main thing that triggers this emotional revving is feeling you are being rejected. At the slightest whiff of rejection you’ll overreact and assume the worst, even if it’s just someone not answering a text you sent.
Can therapy help me from being mean?
Yes. Therapy is very helpful for helping you recognise why you lash out, and how you can better cope with emotions so that people don’t bear the brunt of them and you don’t leave yourself lonely.
If you think you have borderline personality disorder, read our article, “Therapies that Work for BPD”.
Ready to stop ruining your relationships by being mean? And to finally sink into love? We connect you to a team of highly regarded and rated London-based therapists. Or use our online booking site to find affordable UK-wide and online therapy that is accessible worldwide.
Want to share an experience with other readers, or have a question about, ‘why am I so mean to my partner’? Use the comment box below. Note we cannot offer free counselling over comments.

So mean to my boyfriend I need help he does everything for me and I constantly put him down and take him for granted
Hi Matthew, this happens. Sometimes it’s something we learned growing up from the adults around us, sometimes it’s a fear of love and intimacy and the more someone loves us the more we push them away. And still other times, it’s because we are with someone we deep down don’t really want to be with but we don’t have the courage to admit to this and leave. We don’t know your situation. We imagine your partner knows you well enough to see through your behaviours. But if this is really upsetting and a pattern for you, this is definitely the sort of thing that is great to work through in therapy, as it often has childhood roots. Best, HT.
I feel like I’ve settled in my relationship and I also feel maybe I can’t do better because I’m older now and do not look like I used to . I know it’s crazy because I’m soooo kind to everyone except my boyfriends / even my ex husband. I just feel like they are never perfect enough. Or don’t try as hard as i do . I do cook and clean keep my appearance up . So I guess I feel like they should go above and beyond THEY DO NOT !! Nothing!!! But even when they “ try” I feel like it’s becoming I had to tell them . So I feel so much animosity toward them ???? I do not understand it ? Im not mean to anyone but my significant other ? This is very weird to me ,and I have zero respect for him. Idk why ?
Hi there Lucia it’s not weird to us, it’s actually a common thing where women are mean to intimate partners, it generally comes from growing up in a household where we learned we had to ‘earn’ love by being ‘perfect’ or ‘good’. We grow up into codependent adults who try to manipulate love out of others by being perfect and pleasing and then hating them if they don’t then respond how we have decided they should. The issue is not that they don’t respond as you like, as nobody ‘owes’ you anything. The issue is that you think this is how you get love, that love is a power game of ‘i do this and you must then give me that’, and that other people ‘owe’ you things. We are not saying it’s your fault. This is a way of relating that you’ve probably done for so long you don’t realise your own part in it, that it’s not healthy, and that it can change. But it can. We highly, highly advise you seek some counselling over this. It’s exactly the sort of thing counselling can help with. Real love means being appreciated for being yourself, not all this effort and trying, and creating a safe space for the other person to be themselves. The other issue with codependency is that often we don’t even know how to be ourselves in relationships or might not, deep down, even know who we are, exactly. Again, all stuff therapy can be very helpful for. Best, HT.
I cane out of a longterm abusive relationship, i am in a relationship right now which makes me extremely happy and brings the best out in me.. we love eachother and we want to be together forever.. i get these moments where i am so mean to him and not long after that, i feel like total shit.. i am basically treating him the way my abusive ex did at times.. which i dont want to do but seems uncontrollable at times.. he does the most for me and i dont want to lose him because of my ugliness towards him… please help 🙁
Hi Nadine, as the article suggests in number 4, this would be related to childhood issues and learnings, and your own beliefs and issues about love and intimacy and your own self worth. Someone who didn’t have serious issues to deal with on this front wouldn’t, for example, choose an abusive relationship and stay in it. Now the table has turned and you are becoming the abusive, mean one, but that is actually the same pattern, just the other side of it. Your same intimacy and love issue, which will all go back to childhood. So there is no snap solution here, this is something you need to take seriously, to go do therapy on and decide to face head on in what needs to be a courageous and committed journey that will take time. But which will be a very worthwhile journey as it will change how you approach all relationships including the one you have with yourself. Best, HT.
my boyfriend only ever wants to make me happy but i’m so mean to him, for some reason when we fight i can’t see past the issues for weeks after, causing me to hold back on affection, intimacy and any act of kindness! i hate the person i am with him i’m so nice to everyone expect him and it’s really getting to me i feel like i’m not myself anymore and i don’t know what to do… it’s been so long since we’ve been intimate it’s a real issue i’ve never been this miserable but can’t bring myself to fix it. please help.
Hi Lucy did you give the article a good read? It pretty clearly explains all the possible reasons we get to this sort of place. It helps to get honest about what is driving the behaviour and the article will help you with that clarity, whether it’s that deep down you are not in love but just want to be, or that it’s a deep rooted intimacy issue from the home you were raised in. Regardless, going to see a counsellor about this would be a great next step. Best, HT.
I have been dating this guy for about 7 months now, when I first him we instantly fell in love. I’d say about like 3 months ago I’ve started to get worse and worse to him, I emotionally abuse him. Nothing ever gets physical but I am emotionally abusing him. All he ever wants is for me to be happy and he’s always there for me when I need him. Constantly checking up on me to see how I am, he’s just been the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. I want him to be my last relationship. I’m so mean, toxic and always trying to start arguments for no reason at all. My outlook on life is shitty too I’m always negative when I try not to be. Whenever we get down time to just relax and chill after work because we work 6 days a week, he’s on his phone a good amount of time and that’s okay we both are. We enjoy looking at like TikTok, YouTube, just enjoy the rest of our night. I’m always worried who he’s talking to or why he brings his phone to the bathroom with him..like very stupid stuff I get over and toxic about. I’m deeply in love with him and I just want things to get better. I’ve been like this for so long I’m trying to look for ways to change, starting therapy soon. I just want to know what’s wrong with me and how to fix this problem of mine. I’m falling apart and so is he. I’m putting him through an emotional roller coaster. It’s every we argue as well. I just want things to get better. Looking for any feedback to help me because I’m dying to change for me and for the both of us.
Hi Lexi, we can’t tell you what is ‘wrong’ with you. First of all as we don’t know you and we certainly aren’t going to judge someone based on a one-sided comment. Second of all as we aren’t in the business of seeing what is ‘wrong’ with people but helping people find their inner resources to heal past trauma and become their best selves. As for ‘mean girls’, they often also are intensely loving when they are not busy lashing out. We see a lot of red flags here, for example the idea that feel you ‘instantly fell in love’. Life is not a movie. Real love doesn’t happen in a second. But when we go after this drugged up sort of ‘junkie’ love where we feel high and like somehow a relationship will save us and make everything better… that comes from an unstable inner self, two people with unstable inner selves. So what we’d guess is that you had a troubled or cold childhood and you need someone else to give you your identity and to feel like your life has value and meaning. So in therapy you’ll need to learn that those things have to be sourced from you. That when we try to source that instead from someone else, we are never satisfied and increasingly angry as we are asking someone else to provide what nobody can. As generally we are deep down still looking for that unconditional parental love and safety we didn’t get, and that is never going to be provided from an adult partnership. Anyway, great you are going to attend therapy. We think it will really help. We don’t see anything here that can’t entirely change if you commit to the long process of self healing. The other red flag is that you think you can fix the relationship. But you are not the relationship. There are two of you. You both need to work on things. The trouble is that your partner will have a matching issue or he would never have been attracted to you. Someone this in need of attention tends to attract someone with a bit of a ‘carpet’ side, who is an over pleaser and accepts abuse, so to be honest he could use therapy himself to learn to set boundaries, take care of himself, and not let people treat him badly. Best, HT.
I’m so mean to my boyfriend i constantly put him down not to his face but in my head and I don’t know why he’s so kind beautiful and honestly the strongest human being I know and all I can ever do is make him feel like pig when he isn’t. why do I do that? why do I bring him down?
Hi Luna, did you read the article? Just as it very thoroughly answers your question. Best, HT.
I’m so rude to my boyfriend all the time. I love him more than anything and all he tried to do is give me love and attention and let me know that he loves me. But sometimes I don’t want all the attention. Every little thing he does pisses me off sometimes and I want to know why. And how I can better myself for him. I hate being like this. I hate getting mad at him for every little thing. I hate hurting him. I don’t know how to fix it. I know he’s just trying to be himself around me but the way he acts sometimes makes me super angry. It then holds me back from wanting to show him affection. I feel like I make him feel that he can’t be himself around me and I don’t like that. I want him to be himself. I think he acts out sometimes because he knows I’m the only one that’s ever loves him this much. But I don’t want him to think this is live. I don’t want him to think that me getting mad at him all the time is me loving him. Cause it’s not. I love him more than anything but I want it to be without getting mad at him all the time. I need help. Please.
Hi Bre, the article covers all the reasons why this might be going on and what might help you move through it. Best, HT.