🛋️ Premium Therapists 🔍 Find a Therapist

7 Signs You Suffer Fear of Intimacy (That Not Everyone Knows)

intimacyby Andrea M. Darcy

Do you sometimes secretly wonder if your real problem is that you have a fear of intimacy? Learn surprising signs that mean you might be right.

Scared of intimacy?

It can help to understand what intimacy even really is. Intimacy is mistakenly thought to just be about romance or sex. But intimacy is about all our human relationships and isn’t about sex at all. 

Intimacy means letting yourself be closely known, even as you make an effort to deeply know and experience others.

Typical signs of a fear of intimacy

Some signs of intimacy issues are obvious. We find that we:

7 Signs you have a fear of intimacy (that are less obvious)

But what about the less obvious signs? In those of us who grew up learning to pretend we were okay when we weren’t? And still know how to act like what we aren’t as adults? See if the following sound familiar.

1. You never sit still.

Always busy, your life full to the maximum? If you do have down time, do you immediately think of what you can do to fill it? Or are you known as a workaholic?

Behind a fear of intimacy can be a fear of facing up to ourselves and what we perceive as our ‘weaknesses’. We avoid being close to others because they would then see these apparent ‘flaws’, which can look like feelings of sadness, anger, shame and grief.

Am I in a healthy relationship quiz

Being constantly busy all the time means you can avoid taking such a risk. And you have the perfect excuse to to avoid anyone wanting to get too close… you are busy! 

2. You are known as someone who is very positive.

Do you come across as someone who never gets upset, is always strong, and in a ‘good’ state of mind?

The truth about human nature is that we don’t bond over strength, but over weaknesses. Sure, we can bump chests and high five over group wins. But we form longlasting bonds when we see each other vulnerable, and have a chance to share empathy.

So always being forcefully upbeat is often a tactic to hide parts of ourselves and avoid deep connection.

3. You are the strong one others turn to.

Are you always listening to others talk about their wants and needs? If they try to ask about you, do you change the conversation back so that they are the subject again?

This habit of deflecting any focus away from yourself might see you come across as a ‘real friend‘.

But deep down, you are left feeling terribly lonely.Your constant focus on other people’s problems is being used as a shield for you to hide behind.

4. You always appear perfectly put together.

Do you always seem perfect and flawless?

The more perfect you appear externally, the less others can see that you are human and weak just like they are, and the less they will dare get close.

Your perfectionism acts as a way to intimidate others.

5. You are sure you know exactly what you want in a partner, you just haven’t found him/her yet.

Do you keep a ‘list’ of exactly what you want in a partner?

Another form of perfection, the ‘ideal mate list’ is usually something that nobody can live up to. It is a convenient way to brush off connecting with others by claiming, “I am sure of what I want and you just aren’t it.”

Of course, as an intimacy phobic person, even if you did stumble across your ideal partner, you would create a flaw so you could push them away. 

6. You are many different things to many different people.

Do you secretly have no idea how to be your real self? Are you so used to hiding the parts of yourself that you don’t like that you mould yourself to be what you think others want?

This could be called ‘Marilyn Monroe syndrome’. Everyone who claimed they knew her well had a different take on who the ‘real’ Marilyn was. The girl next door, the siren, the secretly intelligent woman. The real truth was that she was lonely, and felt that nobody knew her.

If someone falls for an image of you they want to see (but which you willingly provide), how can you be hurt if they decide they don’t like the image? You can just laugh at them and claim, “Well you didn’t really know me, anyway”.

7. You hide your fear of intimacy behind very strong opinions.

Strong opinions can be like a way of pushing others back. If you offer enough of them, or become known for them, others are scared off, or tiptoe around you. You thus avoid any real intimacy.

But isn’t avoiding intimacy better than getting hurt?

Actually, avoiding intimacy hurts us. It negatively affects our health.

A review of current research on social connection and health  found that low social connection has as much of an affect on our mortality rate as not exercising. And it’s twice as harmful as being overweight and  raises our risk of death to as much as a smoking or alcohol problem would. [1]

But if we find ways to develop intimacy, it helps our health, particularly our mental health.

A study on men and depression found that even joining just one social group lowered chances of a depression relapse by 25%. [2]

These fear of intimacy signs sound like me

There are ways to learn how to connect, if you are willing to put in the time and effort into what can be quite a learning curve. The first step is to get out of denial about your fear of intimacy and admit that there is an issue.

Then you need to learn about what connection is or isn’t. This might mean a few good books on the subject, or reading our other articles, including:

But a fear of intimacy runs deep, right back to traumatic or difficult childhood experiences, so we often need help to overcome it.

Therapy and overcoming a fear of intimacy

Therapy, at heart, is a relationship. For many, the therapist-client relationship is also their first time trusting another, and can be a place to try out ways of relating you can then take out into the world.

The wonderful thing about learning not to fear intimacy is that not only your intimate relationships improve. So, too, will your ability to work with colleagues, get along with strangers, and your capacity to actually create the life you want for yourself.

Need speak to someone about your fear of intimacy? We provide you with some of London’s top relationship therapists in comfortable central offices. Or try our sister site  Harleytherapy.com where you can work with a registered therapist across the UK or by online as soon as the next 24 hours.


Has this article inspired you? We’d love it if you shared it. We are committed to making emotional health as important and normal as physical health so help us get the word out. 

Andrea BlundellAndrea M. Darcy is a well-established mental health writer, and lead writer of this blog. She also works as a therapy advisor, helping you find the perfect therapy for your issues. Her favourite subjects to write about are relationships, trauma, and ADHD.

 

 

FOOTNOTES 

[1]Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Med. 2010 Jul 27;7(7):e1000316. doi: 10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316. PMID: 20668659; PMCID: PMC2910600.

[2] Cruwys T, Dingle GA, Haslam C, Haslam SA, Jetten J, Morton TA. Social group memberships protect against future depression, alleviate depression symptoms and prevent depression relapse. Soc Sci Med. 2013 Dec;98:179-86. doi: 10.1016/j.socscimed.2013.09.013. Epub 2013 Sep 25. PMID: 24331897.

 

find affordable online therapists
Blog Topics: Relationships


176 Responses to “7 Signs You Suffer Fear of Intimacy (That Not Everyone Knows)”
  1. Declan
  2. Harley Therapy
  3. Declan
  4. Senorita
  5. Kev
  6. Harley Therapy
  7. Harley Therapy
  8. Harley Therapy
  9. eunice
  10. Tracy Tighe
  11. Harley Therapy
  12. anon22
  13. Harley Therapy
  14. Shannon lesniak
  15. tasha
  16. ellroy
  17. Harley Therapy
  18. Harley Therapy
  19. Harley Therapy
  20. Jerry Hill
  21. Harley Therapy
  22. Jenny
  23. Harley Therapy
  24. aph
  25. Harley Therapy
  26. Vee
  27. Aimz
  28. Momma of girls
  29. Harley Therapy
  30. Harley Therapy
  31. Harley Therapy
  32. Red
  33. AK
  34. olivia
  35. Harley Therapy
  36. Harley Therapy
  37. hafitha
  38. rocio
  39. Jack black
  40. Harley Therapy
  41. Harley Therapy
  42. Nats
  43. Harley Therapy
  44. Saishreyas
  45. Harley Therapy
  46. Harley Therapy
  47. Mark
  48. Harley Therapy
  49. Vaishnavi
  50. J
  51. Harley Therapy
  52. Beverley
  53. Harley Therapy
  54. Harley Therapy
  55. jay
  56. truth
  57. John McCafferty
  58. Harley Therapy
  59. Harley Therapy
  60. Harley Therapy
  61. John McCafferty
  62. Sheila
  63. Harley Therapy
  64. Ola
  65. Harley Therapy
  66. Harley Therapy
  67. Sheila
  68. Juan
  69. Lonely
  70. Harley Therapy
  71. Harley Therapy
  72. Harley Therapy
  73. SamC
  74. Harley Therapy
  75. M
  76. Harley Therapy
  77. TK
  78. Harley Therapy
  79. Brandon
  80. AndyN
  81. Harley Therapy
  82. Harley Therapy
  83. Crumbling
  84. Angela
  85. Harley Therapy
  86. Harley Therapy
  87. Carly
  88. Harley Therapy
  89. Frustrated
  90. Harley Therapy
  91. Theytookthehobits
  92. Lex
  93. Harley Therapy
  94. Nina
  95. Harley Therapy
  96. Harley Therapy
  97. Rinchen
  98. J
  99. Harley Therapy
  100. Harley Therapy
  101. Thomas
  102. Harley Therapy
  103. Charles
  104. Harley Therapy
  105. Tingirl17
  106. Harley Therapy
  107. Josiah
  108. Harley Therapy
  109. Sepehr javadi
  110. Harley Therapy
  111. John McCafferty
  112. Ada
  113. Harley Therapy
  114. Harley Therapy
  115. Pil
  116. Harley Therapy
  117. AJP
  118. Harley Therapy
  119. Sexless Sam
  120. Harley Therapy
  121. John
  122. Harley Therapy
  123. John
  124. Harley Therapy
  125. John
  126. Harley Therapy
  127. John
  128. Harley Therapy
  129. BachanFucker Singh
  130. Harley Therapy
  131. John McCafferty
  132. Harley Therapy
  133. John
  134. Harley Therapy
  135. Eliza
  136. Harley Therapy
  137. Eliza
  138. Harley Therapy
  139. Eliza
  140. Eliza
  141. Harley Therapy
  142. John Mc
  143. Harley Therapy
  144. Andy
  145. Harley Therapy
  146. Marie M
  147. Harley Therapy
  148. Possible human
  149. Harley Therapy
  150. P Gans
  151. Harley Therapy
  152. Michelle
  153. Harley Therapy
  154. Gam
  155. Gam
  156. Harley Therapy
  157. Harley Therapy
  158. Lacy
  159. Harley Therapy
  160. Rick
  161. Harley Therapy
  162. Rick
  163. Harley Therapy
  164. Heather
  165. Harley Therapy
  166. David M
  167. Harley Therapy
  168. Nuzi
  169. Harley Therapy
  170. Nuzi
  171. Harley Therapy
  172. Douglas
  173. Harley Therapy
  174. Nina
  175. Gary
  176. Daniel

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    Desktop - CTA Journalist Tablet - CTA Journalist Mobile - CTA Journalist

    close icon

    ASK US A QUESTION

    Dr. Sheri Jacobson

    ARE YOU A JOURNALIST WRITING ABOUT THIS TOPIC?

    If you are a journalist writing about this subject, do get in touch - we may be able to comment or provide a pull quote from a professional therapist.

    Yes, I am a journalist Click here to confirm you are a journalist