Take solace in the fact haters don’t like a ‘fake’ you. The real you is hidden inside, and you don’t have proof that people don’t like that real you!
Second crazy thing – many more people feel unliked and unloveable than you might realise. We live in a society that doesn’t teach us healthy relating but leaves us to compete.
Those very people you are worried don’t like you, might be worried you don’t like them!
Why people don’t seem to like you
Too many articles act as if it is all ‘in your head’ if you think people don’t like you. But actually, some of us do struggle to get along with others. So let’s look at why.
1. You are being false.
The problem with not being able to be ourselves around others is that others sense we are being false. It makes them uncomfortable and turns them off.
It would be easy to pretend the simple solution here is just ‘be yourself!’.
But if we grew up in a home where we were punished for being ourselves, then our brains are used to being what others want. If we were traumatised as a child, we might even only feel safe if we are this other, fake self. This is why you should not feel ashamed for worrying others like you. It’s not your fault you find relating hard.
It can take time (and therapy!) to figure out who the real you even is and how to share that with others.
But just recognising there is a problem is a good start. It can help you stop being soangry at everyone else. You can start to move out of victim mode and see that you do have power to change the situation.
2. You are actually encouraging other people not to like you.
Sometimes, without even realising it, we are even trying to control other people by over giving. It’s a deal in our head that ‘we will give to them and then they have to like us’. And the other person senses the manipulation.
Yes, some people with social anxiety hide in the corner talking to nobody. But social anxiety makes some people really loud.
The more anxious you are, the more you talk, the more animated you become, the more the say and act in silly ways. Despite your best intentions, your anxiety means you overwhelm other people.
5. You are hanging around people you don’t share values with.
Sometimes it’s a case of trying to be liked by people you simply don’t have the right things in common with.
And by the right things we are not talking music and style. We are talking aboutpersonal values, the things you deeply believe in that drive all your decisions in life. If you like the same music as someone else but you value honesty and they value secrecy, how can they ever understand you?
One other reason you might not feel liked…
Sometimes the problem is different than all of the above. It’s that we just are different than the average person. In psychology this is called having a ‘personality disorder’.
It’s not a great sounding term. But it’s really just a way of saying that you were born with a brain that actually seeks the world differently that the current ‘norm’.
The only exception here is personality disorders. Personality disorders can’t go away as our brains are geared differently. But therapy can definitely help you understand others better, and learn to act in ways that help you feel more accepted.