What is Reparenting?
Dr. Sheri Jacobson
March 13, 2023
by Andrea M. Darcy
Did you have a parent who struggled to give you the unconditional love and safety you needed as a child?
Do you find that now, as an adult, you have difficult relationships? Or struggle to trust others?
Reparenting might be a therapy tool for you.
*Note that this article refers to psychotherapeutic reparenting, not any ‘alternative’ treatment involving a client being coddled and asked to act like an infant.
What is reparenting?
Reparenting (also called ‘limited reparenting’) refers to your psychotherapist taking the role of a concerned and trustworthy parent so that you can learn what a trusting relationship is like.
It is based on the belief that many psychological issues stem from a child growing up without his or her needs being met. The child is not helped to feel secure and unconditionally loved and develops an insecure ‘attachment’. So they grow up to be an adult who can’t navigate relationships and life as well as they should.
Reparenting is of course done within the boundaries of professionalism and the therapy room. It’s not as if your therapist is going to be checking up on you, or as if you are to act like a child outside of your therapy sessions!
The benefits of reparenting
Reparenting creates a safe experience for you to:
- be vulnerable
- learn about your hidden needs and how to get them met
- be confrontational without being abandoned
- feel supported
- finally experience a secure attachment
- learn to trust.
How is a therapist who uses reparenting different than other therapists?
Traditionally, a psychotherapist remains neutral in his or her relationship with you. They do not encourage you to depend on them or become emotionally attached. They encourage you to learn to take responsibility for and manage your thoughts and feelings yourself.
By: Davidlohr Bueso
A therapist who practices reparenting will instead allow and encourage you to be dependent on them. They will be in turn nurturing and firm.
What is reparenting helpful for?
The reparenting approach is particularly helpful for any sort of psychological issue that arises from a childhood where you needs were not met or you experienced childhood trauma.
This includes:
- personality disorders like borderline personality disorder
- attachment issues
- depression
- trust issues
- child abuse
- relationship problems
- low self-esteem
- anger management issues.
Note that you do not have to have had an obviously traumatic childhood to benefit from reparenting. Things like having an aloof parent, extremely stressed parent, a controlling parent, a parent who disciplines harshly, or a parent with mental illness can all lead to a child not feeling secure.
But I don’t want to blame my parents
Reparenting is not about blaming your parents. Yes, working through your issues in psychotherapy or counselling can mean you experience feelings of anger and blame towards the people your parents once were.
But you might also at some point develop empathy for your parents. The more you understand yourself, the more you understand other people, including your mother and father. You might, for example, begin to realise that they themselves were not parented well and have simply passed on what they learned.
Why do I need reparenting?
By: Mic445
If our needs are not met as a child, we learn to see the world and ourselves in ways that help us cope.
While these coping mechanisms might work to get us through childhood, they can be far from helpful as an adult.
For example, if in childhood an adult we trust leaves our life, we can be overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment. We might cope as a child by keeping our thoughts and feelings to ourselves. As an adult, this can mean we push and pull in relationships, or avoid relationships altogether and are lonely.
So how would reparenting help you?
Going back to the client with abandonment issues. How might your therapist ‘reparent’ someone who felt abandoned?
Your therapist would first of all be reliable, stable, and not disappear. You would discuss this commitment between you.
When things like the therapist going on vacation come up, you will be encouraged to confront the therapist with your feelings of abandonment instead of pretend things are fine or overreact like you are used to. Together you would look at ways you can handle what you feel without overreacting, and your therapist can give you guidance, like a good parent.
If you resorted to being mean towards your therapist, he or she would be very firm with you.
Your therapist will, however, make it clear that they will not judge you or pull away from you for acting out, much like a good parent doesn’t judge or abandon a child for being upset.
Your therapist would let you depend on their support as you experience trusting someone to be there. The idea is, like a child who starts venturing out more and more into the world when they know the parent is there, you become more independent, and start to create relationships in the world with others you can trust. With time you need the therapist less and less.
But doesn’t the therapist then have power over me?
While it might sound odd to be ‘reparented’, it can help to see it as a relationship role over someone having any sort of power over you.
We all have the ability to act as a ‘parent’. One model of approach is that each individual has an inner child, an adult, and a parent side. So really, with reparenting, you are taking a role too.
You are being the child and the therapist is being the parent so that you can learn to get your needs met. When you leave the therapy room, you both go back to adult ‘mode’.
What sorts of therapy use reparenting?
Schema therapy is the type of therapy most known for limited reparenting. You are taught to reach what is called your ‘Vulnerable Child Mode’, with your therapist firmly stopping you from going into your patterns of avoiding being vulnerable. You also work with your Angry Child Mode, learning how to manage your anger in ways that are constructive over destructive.
Harley Therapy connects you with psychotherapists offering schema therapy in central London locations. Not in London? Try our new platform, where you can book online therapists and phone therapists wherever you are.
Still have a question about ‘what is reparenting’? Or want to share your experience of reparenting? Post in the comment box below.
Therapeutic relationship is emotional prostitution. Limited reparenting, like in schema therapy, brings that to new level. It is all about “give me your money and don’t make me problems”. If it is such a great thing, why nobody accepts pay-by-results model? No way. Strange, if they are so sure it works, just like DBT gimmicks which are “scientifically proven”. I know you will not allow this comment, it is bad for business, and therapy is, after all, in reality, just about money and, of course, zero responsibility with magic word “resistance” as joker card in a sleeve to blame patient. And as bonus, advice “don’t blame others for your lack of success”. Resistance? That is something entirely else…
Hi there Rale, actually we are actually fine with engaging about questions about therapy, we even have an article discussing the common question about why it costs money. Therapists are people, not magicians or robots, much like a medical doctor, a lawyer… well, any profession, really. Much like a doctor gets paid whether or not they cure a patient’s cancer, and the worker at a cafe gets paid whether or not you like the coffee, a therapist gets paid. Do you, personally, work on a results only basis? Also note that therapy is far from a well paid job these days.There are many who work for far less than an average office worker, it depends on the therapist, and still others who work in community services for very little money indeed. Very, very few do this job just for the money, as it’s a very draining job at times, and more of a vocation than anything. Surely if someone just wanted money they’d just work in a bank, far easier ;).. If you have money issues, we have an article on how to find free to low cost therapy. If you tried limited reparenting and it didn’t work for you, then we’d suggest you try another kind of therapy. Not all therapy is for everyone, just like not everyone likes the same restaurant. We are not ‘so sure it works’, therapy is not magic, not all therapists are amazing, and as a client you have to put the work in. We rather use the metaphor of dating, it can require a few false starts to find the ‘click’. But when the click happens it can really help. Note that all therapists also have done therapy themselves. We could go on, but we think the real issue here is nothing to do with any of this. It seems you have had some kind of bad experience and are raging against the world and are seeking a place to put your anger on others. It happens. Bad things happen and we can be left hurting and really upset. Of course aggressively attacking strangers just leaves one lonely and even more angry, so it’s best to find some kind of support and learn healthy ways to handle rage, so you can use your time sharing your resources instead of your rage. We hope you find the way forward that works for you. Best, HT.