Always Left Feeling Not Good Enough? The Real Reasons Why
By: Pabak Sarkar
Tried positive thinking and affirmations? Read all the advice about self confidence? But deep down still are left feeling not good enough?
Feeling inadequate is one thing to understand mentally. But to actually change it and stop beating yourself up requires some serious inner work. Why?
Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues. This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough.
[Want to talk to someone about your secret beliefs you are not good enough? Book a Skype session with a therapist you like, be talking as soon as tomorrow.]
7 Reasons For Feeling Not Good Enough
1.You have hidden core beliefs that are running the show.
The thoughts we actually hear in our heads are far less powerful than those that lurk in our unconscious. Low self worth is inevitably connected to the buried and hidden assumptions about the world, others, and ourselves that we mistake as fact.
These ‘core beliefs‘ are often formed when we were children, with a child’s simple perspective. So they can be surprisingly dramatic and untrue. And yet we unwittingly base all our life decisions around them.
For example, a child with a parent who suddenly leaves one day without offering a reason is not evolved to understand an adult having a mental breakdown, or running off for space after a fight. In the child’s mind, the core belief ‘if you love someone they leave you’ takes hold. Even if the parent comes back a few days later the belief sticks, and the child grows into an adult who never lets anyone close.
2. If you listen deeply, your inner voice is actually critical and judgemental.
It is easy is to convince ourselves we are ‘positive thinkers’.
And yet many of us don’t actually take the time to properly listen to our thoughts. If we do, we might discover it’s a radio show of negativity.
Mindfulness is a wonderful technique for slowing down enough to hear your thoughts clearly. It is about listening and letting go to thoughts without judgement. Learn more in our free ‘Guide to Mindfulness’.
3. You surround yourself with critical people.
Of course some of us don’t even need negative thoughts to ensure we always feel not good enough. We let other people do the job for us by consciously choosing toxic friendships and unhealthy relationships where others put us down no matter how hard we try.
4. You had critical, demanding, or aloof parent(s).
Yes, perhaps you had a ‘good childhood’. You lived in a nice house, your parents never divorced. You never wanted for anything.
But then again, perhaps you did. Perhaps you wanted for the approval and love that every child needs.
If your parent(s) always wanted you to smarter, or quieter, or sportier, or if they favoured your sibling…. whatever it was, the message was that you were not enough as is. It might have just been that your parent was not good at loving due to their own unresolved issues.
As children we naturally seek approval and love. So we learn to suffocate our real personality and become the ‘good’ child, at the price of turning into an adult who never feels a sense of worth.
5. You main caregiver couldn’t offer you stability or safety.
Some children have a parent who is simply unable to offer them an environment of safety where they can trust their parent to be there for them. Perhaps you parent was an alcoholic, suffered depression, or was in a toxic relationship that demanded all their attention.
If a parent is unwell the child can feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. If only you acted a certain way, did certain things, were somehow a better/smarter child your parent would be ok. But of course a child can’t fix such a parent or situation. So their endless codependency evolves into a belief they are not good enough somehow.
6. You didn’t get enough ‘attachment’ as a kid.
By: Beatrice Murch
What both these points about parenting involve is not having a caregiver who was able to offer unconditional love and trust, or what is called ‘attachment’ in psychology.
Attachment theory believes that for the first seven years of life a child absolutely needs unconditional love and to be able to trust his or her primary caregiver. If this doesn’t happen, we can end up with ‘anxious attachment’, which involves never trusting yourself or others and lacking confidence.
7. You experienced strong trauma(s) in the past.
Of course one way to develop negative core beliefs quickly as a child does not necessarily involve poor parenting.
Childhood trauma decimates a child’s sense of worth.
Most children feel responsible for the trauma, particularly if it is physical abuse or sexual abuse. They internalise the idea they are bad and worthless, so deserved it.
So is feeling not good enough always all about the past?
It is inevitable that the environments and experiences of our childhood affected us. Of course there are other factors. Some of us born with a naturally more sensitive personality, for example, so suffer more.
And sometimes it is a marked trauma as an adult that leaves us not feeling good enough, such as a betrayal. Even then, though, we will find our confidence an self-worth suffers more, and we take longer to recuperate, if we had previous trauma in our early life or poor parenting.
What sorts of therapy help?
If trawling through your past just isn’t your thing, take heart. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is shown to raise self-esteem, and it does so by focusing on your present day issues and changing the way you respond to thoughts.
And humanistic therapies like person-centred therapy can help your confidence by showing you the personal resources you already have, and helping you grow these inner resources and use them to make better choices. Or try compassion-focused therapy (CFT), which teaches you how to be gentler with yourself and others.
Want help to overcome not feeling enough in life? We put you in touch with top talk therapists in central London locations. Not in London or even the UK? Find a quality Skype therapist on our sister site.
Still have a question about low self worth? Post in our comment box below.
Thank you for your site I get all kinds of helpful information.
Glad it’s helpful!
Damn after reading all that was written, and all that I have been through, perhaps I should seek someone to help me get through this issue (although I do not think it is possible) my loving, adoring parents bitterly divorced when I was 2, my father killed himself when I was 6, I was raped by my step father at 10, I married at 17, and it just spiraled from there. Damn when I spell it out for you it sounds depressing, I am 53, I don’t know why I have started drinking like there is no tomorrow (and I did not have this problem before) I do have a few medical issues. Both my parents are now dead. I have been married 5 times, divorced 3, widowed 1, and am currently married to a man who puts up with a lot. I have lived a lot, loved a lot, lost a lot. I have 7 children, 2 biological, 2 blessed thru adoption, 3 step children. I don’t know what I am looking for, possibly peace.
Hi Tia first of all, that is a lot for any person to go through. So give yourself some credit for being here to share this. Second of all, it is possible that you can move through the effects of all this and see real change and peace. Regarding the drinking, the mind is a funny thing. Sometimes we can hold back memories and emotions for a very long time then some small thing will trigger everything. Are you thinking of counselling? A good counsellor would create a safe space for you to unpack all the unresolved emotions it sounds like you’ve never had time to process. And they are unbaised, they don’t rely on you to be a certain way, or judge you.
I feel less alllll the time.. Nothing feels rite.. I feel worthless alot of times especially when im around people.. I dont believe in theraphy.. How can i heal… 🙁
What does that mean when you say that, “I don’t believe in therapy?” What part don’t you believe in?
Okay.
That all makes sense. And I get how it could effect lots of beautiful humans.. but None of which effect me. Yet I have suffered threw much insecurities related to learning, image and self worth. I am still a people pleaser to a fault. however am always falling short. Feeling then worse… I come from avery loving family, single child with supportive parents. yet I suffered threw so much depression, learning disabilities and self hate when I was 8- current. I have learnd to manage myself… but it is still somethind deep routed. And I do not understand it.
Everything I read is similar to this…. i need help.
anyone have an Idea.
let me know 🙂
A
Hi there, thanks for sharing. Are you sure it al doesn’t effect you? As we see point 1 and 2 even just in this comment. If we all knew exactly what had traumatised or upset us or led us to have low self esteem and negative beliefs about ourselves, then nobody would ever have depression or anxiety. The mind represses and hides things to help us cope – until we aren’t. Discovering these things is not an overnight process or something someone else can do for you. It’s a journey. One you have to commit to. We’d suggest you consider counselling if you really want to get to the bottom of it. Good luck.
Therapy doesnt work meds destroyed my brain chemistry from when i was little for adhd and depression i dont even know why. The fuck im typing this i just want it to be over. I will never be loved and am too far gone to be any good to anyone.
I just want to die with at least some dignity left.
Hi Conrad, probably you are typing because no matter how hard it gets a tiny part of you still has hope and doesn’t believe that death is the answer. We’d say we strongly agree with that tiny part. We are sorry to hear you were bunged on drugs as a child. It’s a very American way of doing things. Note that therapy and drugs are not the same thing. And just putting a child on drugs without proper support merely masks symptoms over helps the child. By the way, there are large scale research studies that show that therapy often does work. But it’s definitely not a magic wand. What we see in your comment, Conrad, by the way, is a lot of extreme thinking. When we are depressed or feeling lost our mind can become addicted to cognitive distortions. Thoughts that aren’t actually reality but we tell ourselves are. What type of therapy did you try, we are curious? What would be useful would be to start by working on those wild thoughts telling you you are not loveable or should just die or that nothing works. They are, by the way, just thoughts, not who you are. Who you are is bigger and better than any mere thought.
Our last child of 5 (4 boys), was the sweetest, gentlest, thoughtful child and continues to be at age 26. At 16 she began lying and used her attractiveness for attention and approval. She spoke of everyone else’s inappropriate behavior in a gossiping way, but then would secretly “one-up” them. Began seeking to hang with wilder side peers, quite opposite than who she claimed she was. The disturbing thing is that she continues this behavior, but blames others (who have adored and made solid lifetime memories with her) who remain in constant sincere interest in her, for her “not feeling good enough” around them. Her behavior is not consistent with the intentional parenting she received, together with values and a positive encouraging home life. She does have anxiety and I believe she witnessed more than her share with a brother who is bi polar, another oppositional defiance and a third diagnosed with BPD.
Hi there Linda. There is a lot going on in this comment. Quite honestly there feels a struggle here to present vs what you feel. For example, you say your daughter continues to be ‘sweet, gentle, thoughtful’. Then go on to label her as anything but. And there seems a high anxiety to find who to blame, and to make it very clear it is not about parenting. In our experience making things about fault and blame within family units just lead to disconnection. Families are working units.Everyone affects the other, and the way one person sees things is not the way the other does. The way one person experiences and feels things is not the way the other does. And note we have never come across perfect parenting. Ever. Parents make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. There is no manual. Parents hurt kids despite best intentions, and kids upset parents despite best intentions. Families are messy. But the best parenting involves being honest about that, or risk alienating your children. We wonder if with so many other children already with their own set of problems your daughter felt pressured to live up to your desire she be ‘sweet, gentle’, etc. Which no child ever is all time unless they are trying to please a parent. If so, they spend a childhood trying to meet a parent’s expectations that they be a ‘good child’ then explode out all their repressed sadness and anger later on as they try to figure out who they actually are. Perhaps as a teen she needed to try being less than perfect. Seems pretty human to us. As does gossiping, a bit of hanging out with a wild crowd. I mean aren’t we essentially gossiping about her right now? She is also an adult now, 26. Which means it’s now entirely up to her how to be. The best a parent can do is try to love an adult child to the best of their ability, and set boundaries around the things you don’t or can’t accept in your own house and interactions. Other than that, she’s beyond your control.Finally we sense a lot of anger here, actually. And we wonder if it would not actually be more powerful and useful for you to, instead of trying to figure your daughter out, which is up to her now, to spend time with a counsellor looking at all your own feelings over raising children that didn’t meet your expectations and what this need to appear so perfect is actually about. Good luck.
I’m starting to realize most of my anxiety comes from issues with my parents that they were unaware they were perpetuating, which makes this clusterfuck infinitely worse. It’s like a blameless circle of consequences you’re existentially branded with due to no fault of your own. I didn’t choose to be born, and yet here I am stuck with all these issues and expected to maintain a career somehow. Fuck I’m angry and I don’t know where that anger is duly placed.
Hi Jason, does anger have to be placed somewhere? Is it okay to just have anger that needs to be processed in a healthy way? We are human and we all make mistakes and the fact that you realise that is great. But the emotions are still there, beyond our adult reasoning. That’s one of the reasons therapy exists, to help us process these emotions we don’t know what to do with.
Wow!After reading this I just cried. My mom left when I was 2 because of my dads abuse. My dad was a drunk,he beat me till I was 9. I was exposed to my dad sleeping with women in another room.Pornography became a way of life for me at age 7. I was molested by my baby sitter at a very early age. My uncle masturbated in front of me when I was 7. I was taken out of my home when I was 12,placed into foster care where my foster dad was an alchoholic. Moved from there to another foster home,, molested by my foster sister. Placed into a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. Determination,”hyper active child”.’Through me in a boys home for 4 years. During that time got into drugs, drinking, sex. Got married at 23, 2 children for 18 years. Wife fell in love with her 11 year old student.She was 36. God married 5 years later. Wife got cancer and had to retire. Can’t get a job in my profession because of my age. My wife needs full time care. I won’t go on.Thanks for listening.
Hi Jackie, that’s an awful lot for one person to deal with. We are sure, however, you are more than all this. More than just what you have experienced, and with inner resources despite it all. We hope that you have sought some support on all this as it’s a lot to navigate alone.
I’m constantly kind, caring, sweet, loving, supportive to everyone in my life I help my friends through their problems but when it comes to my self I’ve always hated how I look (chubbish) I feel like bursting into tears because I’m not good enough. I surround myself with positive people but always feel like how are they so motivated and happy in life when all I am is a 18year old bloke who cares for his eplitec mother and has no motivation to stay in shape and cant even stay happy when alone. Always feel alone
Hi Kyle, what you are describing is a classic case of codependency, and it’s very common to use a codependent approach to all our relationships if we grew up taking care of a parent, always having to be responsible and ‘good’ as our parent isn’t well. Codependency means we have learned to base our identity and sense of self and worth around pleasing others. We don’t realise that we have worth just for being who we are, ‘warts and all’. The problem is that we if we are always trying to be ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’ we have to repress a lot of things about ourselves. We can lose sight of who we really are, and then feel lost, and yes, lonely. We are lonely because we are always actually acting, and never being our real selves. The truth is that we are acceptable and worthy even if we aren’t ‘kind, caring, supportive’ all the time. We are worthy and acceptable even if we are sad, upset, angry. Real relationships are based on being all of ourselves and accepting others for being all of their selves. We recommend you use the search bar to find our pieces on codependency and on authentic relationships. And also to seek support if you can. Is there a counsellor at school you would comfortable talking to? Note there are also great free help lines here in the UK with really nice trained volunteers happy to take your call with many just for people your age and if you don’t want to call you can text or email http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Best, HT