Always Left Feeling Not Good Enough? The Real Reasons Why
By: Pabak Sarkar
Tried positive thinking and affirmations? Read all the advice about self confidence? But deep down still are left feeling not good enough?
Feeling inadequate is one thing to understand mentally. But to actually change it and stop beating yourself up requires some serious inner work. Why?
Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues. This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough.
[Want to talk to someone about your secret beliefs you are not good enough? Book a Skype session with a therapist you like, be talking as soon as tomorrow.]
7 Reasons For Feeling Not Good Enough
1.You have hidden core beliefs that are running the show.
The thoughts we actually hear in our heads are far less powerful than those that lurk in our unconscious. Low self worth is inevitably connected to the buried and hidden assumptions about the world, others, and ourselves that we mistake as fact.
These ‘core beliefs‘ are often formed when we were children, with a child’s simple perspective. So they can be surprisingly dramatic and untrue. And yet we unwittingly base all our life decisions around them.
For example, a child with a parent who suddenly leaves one day without offering a reason is not evolved to understand an adult having a mental breakdown, or running off for space after a fight. In the child’s mind, the core belief ‘if you love someone they leave you’ takes hold. Even if the parent comes back a few days later the belief sticks, and the child grows into an adult who never lets anyone close.
2. If you listen deeply, your inner voice is actually critical and judgemental.
It is easy is to convince ourselves we are ‘positive thinkers’.
And yet many of us don’t actually take the time to properly listen to our thoughts. If we do, we might discover it’s a radio show of negativity.
Mindfulness is a wonderful technique for slowing down enough to hear your thoughts clearly. It is about listening and letting go to thoughts without judgement. Learn more in our free ‘Guide to Mindfulness’.
3. You surround yourself with critical people.
Of course some of us don’t even need negative thoughts to ensure we always feel not good enough. We let other people do the job for us by consciously choosing toxic friendships and unhealthy relationships where others put us down no matter how hard we try.
4. You had critical, demanding, or aloof parent(s).
Yes, perhaps you had a ‘good childhood’. You lived in a nice house, your parents never divorced. You never wanted for anything.
But then again, perhaps you did. Perhaps you wanted for the approval and love that every child needs.
If your parent(s) always wanted you to smarter, or quieter, or sportier, or if they favoured your sibling…. whatever it was, the message was that you were not enough as is. It might have just been that your parent was not good at loving due to their own unresolved issues.
As children we naturally seek approval and love. So we learn to suffocate our real personality and become the ‘good’ child, at the price of turning into an adult who never feels a sense of worth.
5. You main caregiver couldn’t offer you stability or safety.
Some children have a parent who is simply unable to offer them an environment of safety where they can trust their parent to be there for them. Perhaps you parent was an alcoholic, suffered depression, or was in a toxic relationship that demanded all their attention.
If a parent is unwell the child can feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. If only you acted a certain way, did certain things, were somehow a better/smarter child your parent would be ok. But of course a child can’t fix such a parent or situation. So their endless codependency evolves into a belief they are not good enough somehow.
6. You didn’t get enough ‘attachment’ as a kid.
By: Beatrice Murch
What both these points about parenting involve is not having a caregiver who was able to offer unconditional love and trust, or what is called ‘attachment’ in psychology.
Attachment theory believes that for the first seven years of life a child absolutely needs unconditional love and to be able to trust his or her primary caregiver. If this doesn’t happen, we can end up with ‘anxious attachment’, which involves never trusting yourself or others and lacking confidence.
7. You experienced strong trauma(s) in the past.
Of course one way to develop negative core beliefs quickly as a child does not necessarily involve poor parenting.
Childhood trauma decimates a child’s sense of worth.
Most children feel responsible for the trauma, particularly if it is physical abuse or sexual abuse. They internalise the idea they are bad and worthless, so deserved it.
So is feeling not good enough always all about the past?
It is inevitable that the environments and experiences of our childhood affected us. Of course there are other factors. Some of us born with a naturally more sensitive personality, for example, so suffer more.
And sometimes it is a marked trauma as an adult that leaves us not feeling good enough, such as a betrayal. Even then, though, we will find our confidence an self-worth suffers more, and we take longer to recuperate, if we had previous trauma in our early life or poor parenting.
What sorts of therapy help?
If trawling through your past just isn’t your thing, take heart. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is shown to raise self-esteem, and it does so by focusing on your present day issues and changing the way you respond to thoughts.
And humanistic therapies like person-centred therapy can help your confidence by showing you the personal resources you already have, and helping you grow these inner resources and use them to make better choices. Or try compassion-focused therapy (CFT), which teaches you how to be gentler with yourself and others.
Want help to overcome not feeling enough in life? We put you in touch with top talk therapists in central London locations. Not in London or even the UK? Find a quality Skype therapist on our sister site.
Still have a question about low self worth? Post in our comment box below.
Thank you for your site I get all kinds of helpful information.
Glad it’s helpful!
Damn after reading all that was written, and all that I have been through, perhaps I should seek someone to help me get through this issue (although I do not think it is possible) my loving, adoring parents bitterly divorced when I was 2, my father killed himself when I was 6, I was raped by my step father at 10, I married at 17, and it just spiraled from there. Damn when I spell it out for you it sounds depressing, I am 53, I don’t know why I have started drinking like there is no tomorrow (and I did not have this problem before) I do have a few medical issues. Both my parents are now dead. I have been married 5 times, divorced 3, widowed 1, and am currently married to a man who puts up with a lot. I have lived a lot, loved a lot, lost a lot. I have 7 children, 2 biological, 2 blessed thru adoption, 3 step children. I don’t know what I am looking for, possibly peace.
Hi Tia first of all, that is a lot for any person to go through. So give yourself some credit for being here to share this. Second of all, it is possible that you can move through the effects of all this and see real change and peace. Regarding the drinking, the mind is a funny thing. Sometimes we can hold back memories and emotions for a very long time then some small thing will trigger everything. Are you thinking of counselling? A good counsellor would create a safe space for you to unpack all the unresolved emotions it sounds like you’ve never had time to process. And they are unbaised, they don’t rely on you to be a certain way, or judge you.
I feel less alllll the time.. Nothing feels rite.. I feel worthless alot of times especially when im around people.. I dont believe in theraphy.. How can i heal… 🙁
What does that mean when you say that, “I don’t believe in therapy?” What part don’t you believe in?
Okay.
That all makes sense. And I get how it could effect lots of beautiful humans.. but None of which effect me. Yet I have suffered threw much insecurities related to learning, image and self worth. I am still a people pleaser to a fault. however am always falling short. Feeling then worse… I come from avery loving family, single child with supportive parents. yet I suffered threw so much depression, learning disabilities and self hate when I was 8- current. I have learnd to manage myself… but it is still somethind deep routed. And I do not understand it.
Everything I read is similar to this…. i need help.
anyone have an Idea.
let me know 🙂
A
Hi there, thanks for sharing. Are you sure it al doesn’t effect you? As we see point 1 and 2 even just in this comment. If we all knew exactly what had traumatised or upset us or led us to have low self esteem and negative beliefs about ourselves, then nobody would ever have depression or anxiety. The mind represses and hides things to help us cope – until we aren’t. Discovering these things is not an overnight process or something someone else can do for you. It’s a journey. One you have to commit to. We’d suggest you consider counselling if you really want to get to the bottom of it. Good luck.
Therapy doesnt work meds destroyed my brain chemistry from when i was little for adhd and depression i dont even know why. The fuck im typing this i just want it to be over. I will never be loved and am too far gone to be any good to anyone.
I just want to die with at least some dignity left.
Hi Conrad, probably you are typing because no matter how hard it gets a tiny part of you still has hope and doesn’t believe that death is the answer. We’d say we strongly agree with that tiny part. We are sorry to hear you were bunged on drugs as a child. It’s a very American way of doing things. Note that therapy and drugs are not the same thing. And just putting a child on drugs without proper support merely masks symptoms over helps the child. By the way, there are large scale research studies that show that therapy often does work. But it’s definitely not a magic wand. What we see in your comment, Conrad, by the way, is a lot of extreme thinking. When we are depressed or feeling lost our mind can become addicted to cognitive distortions. Thoughts that aren’t actually reality but we tell ourselves are. What type of therapy did you try, we are curious? What would be useful would be to start by working on those wild thoughts telling you you are not loveable or should just die or that nothing works. They are, by the way, just thoughts, not who you are. Who you are is bigger and better than any mere thought.
Our last child of 5 (4 boys), was the sweetest, gentlest, thoughtful child and continues to be at age 26. At 16 she began lying and used her attractiveness for attention and approval. She spoke of everyone else’s inappropriate behavior in a gossiping way, but then would secretly “one-up” them. Began seeking to hang with wilder side peers, quite opposite than who she claimed she was. The disturbing thing is that she continues this behavior, but blames others (who have adored and made solid lifetime memories with her) who remain in constant sincere interest in her, for her “not feeling good enough” around them. Her behavior is not consistent with the intentional parenting she received, together with values and a positive encouraging home life. She does have anxiety and I believe she witnessed more than her share with a brother who is bi polar, another oppositional defiance and a third diagnosed with BPD.
Hi there Linda. There is a lot going on in this comment. Quite honestly there feels a struggle here to present vs what you feel. For example, you say your daughter continues to be ‘sweet, gentle, thoughtful’. Then go on to label her as anything but. And there seems a high anxiety to find who to blame, and to make it very clear it is not about parenting. In our experience making things about fault and blame within family units just lead to disconnection. Families are working units.Everyone affects the other, and the way one person sees things is not the way the other does. The way one person experiences and feels things is not the way the other does. And note we have never come across perfect parenting. Ever. Parents make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. There is no manual. Parents hurt kids despite best intentions, and kids upset parents despite best intentions. Families are messy. But the best parenting involves being honest about that, or risk alienating your children. We wonder if with so many other children already with their own set of problems your daughter felt pressured to live up to your desire she be ‘sweet, gentle’, etc. Which no child ever is all time unless they are trying to please a parent. If so, they spend a childhood trying to meet a parent’s expectations that they be a ‘good child’ then explode out all their repressed sadness and anger later on as they try to figure out who they actually are. Perhaps as a teen she needed to try being less than perfect. Seems pretty human to us. As does gossiping, a bit of hanging out with a wild crowd. I mean aren’t we essentially gossiping about her right now? She is also an adult now, 26. Which means it’s now entirely up to her how to be. The best a parent can do is try to love an adult child to the best of their ability, and set boundaries around the things you don’t or can’t accept in your own house and interactions. Other than that, she’s beyond your control.Finally we sense a lot of anger here, actually. And we wonder if it would not actually be more powerful and useful for you to, instead of trying to figure your daughter out, which is up to her now, to spend time with a counsellor looking at all your own feelings over raising children that didn’t meet your expectations and what this need to appear so perfect is actually about. Good luck.
I’m starting to realize most of my anxiety comes from issues with my parents that they were unaware they were perpetuating, which makes this clusterfuck infinitely worse. It’s like a blameless circle of consequences you’re existentially branded with due to no fault of your own. I didn’t choose to be born, and yet here I am stuck with all these issues and expected to maintain a career somehow. Fuck I’m angry and I don’t know where that anger is duly placed.
Hi Jason, does anger have to be placed somewhere? Is it okay to just have anger that needs to be processed in a healthy way? We are human and we all make mistakes and the fact that you realise that is great. But the emotions are still there, beyond our adult reasoning. That’s one of the reasons therapy exists, to help us process these emotions we don’t know what to do with.
Wow!After reading this I just cried. My mom left when I was 2 because of my dads abuse. My dad was a drunk,he beat me till I was 9. I was exposed to my dad sleeping with women in another room.Pornography became a way of life for me at age 7. I was molested by my baby sitter at a very early age. My uncle masturbated in front of me when I was 7. I was taken out of my home when I was 12,placed into foster care where my foster dad was an alchoholic. Moved from there to another foster home,, molested by my foster sister. Placed into a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. Determination,”hyper active child”.’Through me in a boys home for 4 years. During that time got into drugs, drinking, sex. Got married at 23, 2 children for 18 years. Wife fell in love with her 11 year old student.She was 36. God married 5 years later. Wife got cancer and had to retire. Can’t get a job in my profession because of my age. My wife needs full time care. I won’t go on.Thanks for listening.
Hi Jackie, that’s an awful lot for one person to deal with. We are sure, however, you are more than all this. More than just what you have experienced, and with inner resources despite it all. We hope that you have sought some support on all this as it’s a lot to navigate alone.
I’m constantly kind, caring, sweet, loving, supportive to everyone in my life I help my friends through their problems but when it comes to my self I’ve always hated how I look (chubbish) I feel like bursting into tears because I’m not good enough. I surround myself with positive people but always feel like how are they so motivated and happy in life when all I am is a 18year old bloke who cares for his eplitec mother and has no motivation to stay in shape and cant even stay happy when alone. Always feel alone
Hi Kyle, what you are describing is a classic case of codependency, and it’s very common to use a codependent approach to all our relationships if we grew up taking care of a parent, always having to be responsible and ‘good’ as our parent isn’t well. Codependency means we have learned to base our identity and sense of self and worth around pleasing others. We don’t realise that we have worth just for being who we are, ‘warts and all’. The problem is that we if we are always trying to be ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’ we have to repress a lot of things about ourselves. We can lose sight of who we really are, and then feel lost, and yes, lonely. We are lonely because we are always actually acting, and never being our real selves. The truth is that we are acceptable and worthy even if we aren’t ‘kind, caring, supportive’ all the time. We are worthy and acceptable even if we are sad, upset, angry. Real relationships are based on being all of ourselves and accepting others for being all of their selves. We recommend you use the search bar to find our pieces on codependency and on authentic relationships. And also to seek support if you can. Is there a counsellor at school you would comfortable talking to? Note there are also great free help lines here in the UK with really nice trained volunteers happy to take your call with many just for people your age and if you don’t want to call you can text or email http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Best, HT
I have always had that feeling of never being good enough, and I knew a lot of that was from seeing the accomplishments of those I was surrounded by and by what I think makes someone good enough. One of the craziest things is I never really applied those things to anyone else. When I think about it, to me, everyone is good enough, except me, because I know my story, I don’t know anyone else’s. While reading this, I realized that part of it was also how I grew up. I was a naturally very angry and hateful child, because of that, I didn’t really have a very loving relationship with any of my 7 siblings or my parents, I was the child you avoided. The kind who slept for the first 9 months of my life and hasn’t slept since. I can’t blame anyone though, I did terrible things, said terrible things to people. I’m 16, and those relationships only really started improving a few years ago, I am much better now I think. Less violent, less cruel. But I know that in their eyes, I will never be good enough, especially in my dad’s, so to me, I never will be good enough, and sometimes, that reminder, in addition to the one that pop up in life, just leave me feeling more than not good enough, they leave me feeling worthless, like a piece of garbage that needs to be taken out. I know this is kind of long and you’ve got better things to do than read some dumb teenage girl’s personal issues, so I’ll leave this at that.
Hi there Evin, we don’t actually believe any child is ‘naturally angry and hateful’, unless you are one in about a million children born with psychopathy, which would mean you were never here feeling guilty writing this comment. Children are angry because they experience things that overwhelm them or don’t receive the love and acceptance they need to thrive. We can imagine, for example, it was hard to get much attention with that many siblings. Also, we all do and say terrible things. It doesn’t make us a terrible person. It makes us a person who has said terrible things. So we’d say we are sure you are not at all a terrible person, just a person going through a lot who feels lonely and unloved. but who has all the potential that anyone else does and can do great things with her life. Finally, you are sixteen. It’s tough being a teen. Your brain is still growing, your body is flooded with hormones, you are still figuring out who you are. It’s actually normal to be self judgemental as a teen, to feel lost and unhappy. That said, your level of self-esteem seems extremely low and there is clearly an issue with your father. So it would be great if you had someone to talk to. Is there a counsellor at your school you would feel comfortable talking to? Also note that if you are in USA, Canada, UK, etcetera, they have free help lines for teens. Google for one in your country. Best, HT
My boyfriend has always had issues with not feeling good enough. Have been trying to help him work through them as much as I can. It is definitely 4, 6 and 7. He always refers to his sister as the “favorite” and that she can do no wrong. I however, learned from speaking to her about her childhood, this is now how she feels when it comes to their parents. He has also expressed to me that he took certain paths because what he wanted to do with his life was basically said to not be a good way ( this definitely affected the path he those for a career) leaving him feeing pushed into things and now later on in adulthood especially with what is going on now in the world like he wasted his whole life even doing what he chose to do. He has decided to go back to school for something new, but something he has always had interest in which is a very good and positive thing. With that positive switch though, he is now overly concerned with finances. He has always says that everyone in his life has screwed him over with the exception of myself and a had full of others. We do not have really any friends that we get to hang out with regularly. He has also has relationships that have failed him or he hit on him. I am the first who try’s to talk to him about these issues and do everything I can to keep positive reinforcement in out life and relationship. He has his good times and his bad. I just wish I knew of more ways to help him not feel this way. He takes things in all the time and then he makes the smallest blunder, even if it is not even a big deal, and then blames himself. He is an amazing person, I want so desperately to help him see that.
Hi Leann, we understand your desire to support someone you love. But we see a lot of red flags here. Being the only person someone turns to is a lot for anyone to navigate. We notice you don’t talk about yourself at all. How much of your life is consumed by ‘fixing’ his life? And dealing with his sorrows? If your life is so consumed by him you don’t even have friends we’d recommend you do some research on codependency and healthy vs unhealthy relationships. As for your boyfriend, we can’t change another person or ‘love them better’. Yes, we can support the people we love. But the only person who can change him is him. And the best way to support someone is also to take care of ourselves, to lead by example. Read about codependency here http://bit.ly/codependentall Best, HT
I have experienced a lifetime of abuse, starting when I was a baby by my father, and even married an abusive man. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I have tried with everything in me to move past it all. I try to eliminate toxic people from my life. I try to make friends and I try to be a good friend to people, but it feels like whenever I need someone to be there for me that everyone disappears. That ends up destroying my self worth even more. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m sick of feeling like I don’t have anyone. Suicide has crossed my mind and feels very much like a viable option.
Meg, what you are describing is actually a classic side effect of abuse. We become entrenched in certain ways of seeing the world and unconsciously create patterns by the decisions we make, unable to see that we are creating them because trauma has made our brain see a certain way. These patterns involve people rejecting us or making us feel unworthy. We unconsciously choose the very people who might do that even. There are some things here, such as using the word ‘eliminate’ and feeling totally rejected and abandoned, plus having suicidal thoughts and extreme low self esteem, which could be red flags for emotive personality disorder, common in women particularly who went through childhood abuse. (It’s also called borderline personality disorder, but there is actually nothing ‘borderline’ to it). So what we’d say is… you have to gather up all your courage and seek support. These sorts of heavily entrenched patterns are really really hard if not impossible to break alone. We suggest you read our article on therapies that help trauma survivors as not all therapies are helpful so it’s important you choose a good one and find a therapist you think you can grow to trust. http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Finally, don’t give up on yourself. People who have gone through trauma have many gifts to share with the world. They are often sensitive, caring, creative, and loving. And the world needs a lot more of that, wouldn’t you agree? Best, HT
So I have always struggled with 8n myself theses days I don know why more my husband doesn’t seem to want me 8 have stuck through everything mental phycial abuse 8 have stuck with him even when he was making his ex about how he wanted pics and how he missed ex’s and females and when I asked last year I was acuss8jg him 9f it so he did it but turns out it’s been happing for much longer then expected I can’t hold 9n much longer I lost my daughter 5 months ago she know lives with her grandma .. and all he tells me is I don’t live him when I do I have shown it I have lived it ….. When 8 was younger I was always called fat made fun of ….
……. Long pitiful cry for help why do 8 feel so worth less 8 honestly wish that I was never here becouse then 8 would have botherd eny9ne and these pr9bloy be happy st8ll
Hi Morgan. This isn’t love. This is abuse and trauma bonding. If we grow up without unconditional love or safety, we often think that trauma is love. Read our article on trauma bonds here. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm They are very hard to break, as you can see you are so addicted to this man you have even lost your daughter. You have to reach out for help. Look for a woman’s charity near you that helps women in abusive situations, and gather up your courage to contact them.