Always Left Feeling Not Good Enough? The Real Reasons Why
By: Pabak Sarkar
Tried positive thinking and affirmations? Read all the advice about self confidence? But deep down still are left feeling not good enough?
Feeling inadequate is one thing to understand mentally. But to actually change it and stop beating yourself up requires some serious inner work. Why?
Low self-worth often stems from very deep-rooted issues. This becomes clear looking at the common reasons for not feeling good enough.
[Want to talk to someone about your secret beliefs you are not good enough? Book a Skype session with a therapist you like, be talking as soon as tomorrow.]
7 Reasons For Feeling Not Good Enough
1.You have hidden core beliefs that are running the show.
The thoughts we actually hear in our heads are far less powerful than those that lurk in our unconscious. Low self worth is inevitably connected to the buried and hidden assumptions about the world, others, and ourselves that we mistake as fact.
These ‘core beliefs‘ are often formed when we were children, with a child’s simple perspective. So they can be surprisingly dramatic and untrue. And yet we unwittingly base all our life decisions around them.
For example, a child with a parent who suddenly leaves one day without offering a reason is not evolved to understand an adult having a mental breakdown, or running off for space after a fight. In the child’s mind, the core belief ‘if you love someone they leave you’ takes hold. Even if the parent comes back a few days later the belief sticks, and the child grows into an adult who never lets anyone close.
2. If you listen deeply, your inner voice is actually critical and judgemental.
It is easy is to convince ourselves we are ‘positive thinkers’.
And yet many of us don’t actually take the time to properly listen to our thoughts. If we do, we might discover it’s a radio show of negativity.
Mindfulness is a wonderful technique for slowing down enough to hear your thoughts clearly. It is about listening and letting go to thoughts without judgement. Learn more in our free ‘Guide to Mindfulness’.
3. You surround yourself with critical people.
Of course some of us don’t even need negative thoughts to ensure we always feel not good enough. We let other people do the job for us by consciously choosing toxic friendships and unhealthy relationships where others put us down no matter how hard we try.
4. You had critical, demanding, or aloof parent(s).
Yes, perhaps you had a ‘good childhood’. You lived in a nice house, your parents never divorced. You never wanted for anything.
But then again, perhaps you did. Perhaps you wanted for the approval and love that every child needs.
If your parent(s) always wanted you to smarter, or quieter, or sportier, or if they favoured your sibling…. whatever it was, the message was that you were not enough as is. It might have just been that your parent was not good at loving due to their own unresolved issues.
As children we naturally seek approval and love. So we learn to suffocate our real personality and become the ‘good’ child, at the price of turning into an adult who never feels a sense of worth.
5. You main caregiver couldn’t offer you stability or safety.
Some children have a parent who is simply unable to offer them an environment of safety where they can trust their parent to be there for them. Perhaps you parent was an alcoholic, suffered depression, or was in a toxic relationship that demanded all their attention.
If a parent is unwell the child can feel responsible for the parent’s happiness. If only you acted a certain way, did certain things, were somehow a better/smarter child your parent would be ok. But of course a child can’t fix such a parent or situation. So their endless codependency evolves into a belief they are not good enough somehow.
6. You didn’t get enough ‘attachment’ as a kid.
By: Beatrice Murch
What both these points about parenting involve is not having a caregiver who was able to offer unconditional love and trust, or what is called ‘attachment’ in psychology.
Attachment theory believes that for the first seven years of life a child absolutely needs unconditional love and to be able to trust his or her primary caregiver. If this doesn’t happen, we can end up with ‘anxious attachment’, which involves never trusting yourself or others and lacking confidence.
7. You experienced strong trauma(s) in the past.
Of course one way to develop negative core beliefs quickly as a child does not necessarily involve poor parenting.
Childhood trauma decimates a child’s sense of worth.
Most children feel responsible for the trauma, particularly if it is physical abuse or sexual abuse. They internalise the idea they are bad and worthless, so deserved it.
So is feeling not good enough always all about the past?
It is inevitable that the environments and experiences of our childhood affected us. Of course there are other factors. Some of us born with a naturally more sensitive personality, for example, so suffer more.
And sometimes it is a marked trauma as an adult that leaves us not feeling good enough, such as a betrayal. Even then, though, we will find our confidence an self-worth suffers more, and we take longer to recuperate, if we had previous trauma in our early life or poor parenting.
What sorts of therapy help?
If trawling through your past just isn’t your thing, take heart. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is shown to raise self-esteem, and it does so by focusing on your present day issues and changing the way you respond to thoughts.
And humanistic therapies like person-centred therapy can help your confidence by showing you the personal resources you already have, and helping you grow these inner resources and use them to make better choices. Or try compassion-focused therapy (CFT), which teaches you how to be gentler with yourself and others.
Want help to overcome not feeling enough in life? We put you in touch with top talk therapists in central London locations. Not in London or even the UK? Find a quality Skype therapist on our sister site.
Still have a question about low self worth? Post in our comment box below.
Thank you for your site I get all kinds of helpful information.
Glad it’s helpful!
Damn after reading all that was written, and all that I have been through, perhaps I should seek someone to help me get through this issue (although I do not think it is possible) my loving, adoring parents bitterly divorced when I was 2, my father killed himself when I was 6, I was raped by my step father at 10, I married at 17, and it just spiraled from there. Damn when I spell it out for you it sounds depressing, I am 53, I don’t know why I have started drinking like there is no tomorrow (and I did not have this problem before) I do have a few medical issues. Both my parents are now dead. I have been married 5 times, divorced 3, widowed 1, and am currently married to a man who puts up with a lot. I have lived a lot, loved a lot, lost a lot. I have 7 children, 2 biological, 2 blessed thru adoption, 3 step children. I don’t know what I am looking for, possibly peace.
Hi Tia first of all, that is a lot for any person to go through. So give yourself some credit for being here to share this. Second of all, it is possible that you can move through the effects of all this and see real change and peace. Regarding the drinking, the mind is a funny thing. Sometimes we can hold back memories and emotions for a very long time then some small thing will trigger everything. Are you thinking of counselling? A good counsellor would create a safe space for you to unpack all the unresolved emotions it sounds like you’ve never had time to process. And they are unbaised, they don’t rely on you to be a certain way, or judge you.
I feel less alllll the time.. Nothing feels rite.. I feel worthless alot of times especially when im around people.. I dont believe in theraphy.. How can i heal… 🙁
What does that mean when you say that, “I don’t believe in therapy?” What part don’t you believe in?
Okay.
That all makes sense. And I get how it could effect lots of beautiful humans.. but None of which effect me. Yet I have suffered threw much insecurities related to learning, image and self worth. I am still a people pleaser to a fault. however am always falling short. Feeling then worse… I come from avery loving family, single child with supportive parents. yet I suffered threw so much depression, learning disabilities and self hate when I was 8- current. I have learnd to manage myself… but it is still somethind deep routed. And I do not understand it.
Everything I read is similar to this…. i need help.
anyone have an Idea.
let me know 🙂
A
Hi there, thanks for sharing. Are you sure it al doesn’t effect you? As we see point 1 and 2 even just in this comment. If we all knew exactly what had traumatised or upset us or led us to have low self esteem and negative beliefs about ourselves, then nobody would ever have depression or anxiety. The mind represses and hides things to help us cope – until we aren’t. Discovering these things is not an overnight process or something someone else can do for you. It’s a journey. One you have to commit to. We’d suggest you consider counselling if you really want to get to the bottom of it. Good luck.
Therapy doesnt work meds destroyed my brain chemistry from when i was little for adhd and depression i dont even know why. The fuck im typing this i just want it to be over. I will never be loved and am too far gone to be any good to anyone.
I just want to die with at least some dignity left.
Hi Conrad, probably you are typing because no matter how hard it gets a tiny part of you still has hope and doesn’t believe that death is the answer. We’d say we strongly agree with that tiny part. We are sorry to hear you were bunged on drugs as a child. It’s a very American way of doing things. Note that therapy and drugs are not the same thing. And just putting a child on drugs without proper support merely masks symptoms over helps the child. By the way, there are large scale research studies that show that therapy often does work. But it’s definitely not a magic wand. What we see in your comment, Conrad, by the way, is a lot of extreme thinking. When we are depressed or feeling lost our mind can become addicted to cognitive distortions. Thoughts that aren’t actually reality but we tell ourselves are. What type of therapy did you try, we are curious? What would be useful would be to start by working on those wild thoughts telling you you are not loveable or should just die or that nothing works. They are, by the way, just thoughts, not who you are. Who you are is bigger and better than any mere thought.
Our last child of 5 (4 boys), was the sweetest, gentlest, thoughtful child and continues to be at age 26. At 16 she began lying and used her attractiveness for attention and approval. She spoke of everyone else’s inappropriate behavior in a gossiping way, but then would secretly “one-up” them. Began seeking to hang with wilder side peers, quite opposite than who she claimed she was. The disturbing thing is that she continues this behavior, but blames others (who have adored and made solid lifetime memories with her) who remain in constant sincere interest in her, for her “not feeling good enough” around them. Her behavior is not consistent with the intentional parenting she received, together with values and a positive encouraging home life. She does have anxiety and I believe she witnessed more than her share with a brother who is bi polar, another oppositional defiance and a third diagnosed with BPD.
Hi there Linda. There is a lot going on in this comment. Quite honestly there feels a struggle here to present vs what you feel. For example, you say your daughter continues to be ‘sweet, gentle, thoughtful’. Then go on to label her as anything but. And there seems a high anxiety to find who to blame, and to make it very clear it is not about parenting. In our experience making things about fault and blame within family units just lead to disconnection. Families are working units.Everyone affects the other, and the way one person sees things is not the way the other does. The way one person experiences and feels things is not the way the other does. And note we have never come across perfect parenting. Ever. Parents make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. There is no manual. Parents hurt kids despite best intentions, and kids upset parents despite best intentions. Families are messy. But the best parenting involves being honest about that, or risk alienating your children. We wonder if with so many other children already with their own set of problems your daughter felt pressured to live up to your desire she be ‘sweet, gentle’, etc. Which no child ever is all time unless they are trying to please a parent. If so, they spend a childhood trying to meet a parent’s expectations that they be a ‘good child’ then explode out all their repressed sadness and anger later on as they try to figure out who they actually are. Perhaps as a teen she needed to try being less than perfect. Seems pretty human to us. As does gossiping, a bit of hanging out with a wild crowd. I mean aren’t we essentially gossiping about her right now? She is also an adult now, 26. Which means it’s now entirely up to her how to be. The best a parent can do is try to love an adult child to the best of their ability, and set boundaries around the things you don’t or can’t accept in your own house and interactions. Other than that, she’s beyond your control.Finally we sense a lot of anger here, actually. And we wonder if it would not actually be more powerful and useful for you to, instead of trying to figure your daughter out, which is up to her now, to spend time with a counsellor looking at all your own feelings over raising children that didn’t meet your expectations and what this need to appear so perfect is actually about. Good luck.
I’m starting to realize most of my anxiety comes from issues with my parents that they were unaware they were perpetuating, which makes this clusterfuck infinitely worse. It’s like a blameless circle of consequences you’re existentially branded with due to no fault of your own. I didn’t choose to be born, and yet here I am stuck with all these issues and expected to maintain a career somehow. Fuck I’m angry and I don’t know where that anger is duly placed.
Hi Jason, does anger have to be placed somewhere? Is it okay to just have anger that needs to be processed in a healthy way? We are human and we all make mistakes and the fact that you realise that is great. But the emotions are still there, beyond our adult reasoning. That’s one of the reasons therapy exists, to help us process these emotions we don’t know what to do with.
Wow!After reading this I just cried. My mom left when I was 2 because of my dads abuse. My dad was a drunk,he beat me till I was 9. I was exposed to my dad sleeping with women in another room.Pornography became a way of life for me at age 7. I was molested by my baby sitter at a very early age. My uncle masturbated in front of me when I was 7. I was taken out of my home when I was 12,placed into foster care where my foster dad was an alchoholic. Moved from there to another foster home,, molested by my foster sister. Placed into a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. Determination,”hyper active child”.’Through me in a boys home for 4 years. During that time got into drugs, drinking, sex. Got married at 23, 2 children for 18 years. Wife fell in love with her 11 year old student.She was 36. God married 5 years later. Wife got cancer and had to retire. Can’t get a job in my profession because of my age. My wife needs full time care. I won’t go on.Thanks for listening.
Hi Jackie, that’s an awful lot for one person to deal with. We are sure, however, you are more than all this. More than just what you have experienced, and with inner resources despite it all. We hope that you have sought some support on all this as it’s a lot to navigate alone.
I’m constantly kind, caring, sweet, loving, supportive to everyone in my life I help my friends through their problems but when it comes to my self I’ve always hated how I look (chubbish) I feel like bursting into tears because I’m not good enough. I surround myself with positive people but always feel like how are they so motivated and happy in life when all I am is a 18year old bloke who cares for his eplitec mother and has no motivation to stay in shape and cant even stay happy when alone. Always feel alone
Hi Kyle, what you are describing is a classic case of codependency, and it’s very common to use a codependent approach to all our relationships if we grew up taking care of a parent, always having to be responsible and ‘good’ as our parent isn’t well. Codependency means we have learned to base our identity and sense of self and worth around pleasing others. We don’t realise that we have worth just for being who we are, ‘warts and all’. The problem is that we if we are always trying to be ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’ we have to repress a lot of things about ourselves. We can lose sight of who we really are, and then feel lost, and yes, lonely. We are lonely because we are always actually acting, and never being our real selves. The truth is that we are acceptable and worthy even if we aren’t ‘kind, caring, supportive’ all the time. We are worthy and acceptable even if we are sad, upset, angry. Real relationships are based on being all of ourselves and accepting others for being all of their selves. We recommend you use the search bar to find our pieces on codependency and on authentic relationships. And also to seek support if you can. Is there a counsellor at school you would comfortable talking to? Note there are also great free help lines here in the UK with really nice trained volunteers happy to take your call with many just for people your age and if you don’t want to call you can text or email http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Best, HT
I have always had that feeling of never being good enough, and I knew a lot of that was from seeing the accomplishments of those I was surrounded by and by what I think makes someone good enough. One of the craziest things is I never really applied those things to anyone else. When I think about it, to me, everyone is good enough, except me, because I know my story, I don’t know anyone else’s. While reading this, I realized that part of it was also how I grew up. I was a naturally very angry and hateful child, because of that, I didn’t really have a very loving relationship with any of my 7 siblings or my parents, I was the child you avoided. The kind who slept for the first 9 months of my life and hasn’t slept since. I can’t blame anyone though, I did terrible things, said terrible things to people. I’m 16, and those relationships only really started improving a few years ago, I am much better now I think. Less violent, less cruel. But I know that in their eyes, I will never be good enough, especially in my dad’s, so to me, I never will be good enough, and sometimes, that reminder, in addition to the one that pop up in life, just leave me feeling more than not good enough, they leave me feeling worthless, like a piece of garbage that needs to be taken out. I know this is kind of long and you’ve got better things to do than read some dumb teenage girl’s personal issues, so I’ll leave this at that.
Hi there Evin, we don’t actually believe any child is ‘naturally angry and hateful’, unless you are one in about a million children born with psychopathy, which would mean you were never here feeling guilty writing this comment. Children are angry because they experience things that overwhelm them or don’t receive the love and acceptance they need to thrive. We can imagine, for example, it was hard to get much attention with that many siblings. Also, we all do and say terrible things. It doesn’t make us a terrible person. It makes us a person who has said terrible things. So we’d say we are sure you are not at all a terrible person, just a person going through a lot who feels lonely and unloved. but who has all the potential that anyone else does and can do great things with her life. Finally, you are sixteen. It’s tough being a teen. Your brain is still growing, your body is flooded with hormones, you are still figuring out who you are. It’s actually normal to be self judgemental as a teen, to feel lost and unhappy. That said, your level of self-esteem seems extremely low and there is clearly an issue with your father. So it would be great if you had someone to talk to. Is there a counsellor at your school you would feel comfortable talking to? Also note that if you are in USA, Canada, UK, etcetera, they have free help lines for teens. Google for one in your country. Best, HT
My boyfriend has always had issues with not feeling good enough. Have been trying to help him work through them as much as I can. It is definitely 4, 6 and 7. He always refers to his sister as the “favorite” and that she can do no wrong. I however, learned from speaking to her about her childhood, this is now how she feels when it comes to their parents. He has also expressed to me that he took certain paths because what he wanted to do with his life was basically said to not be a good way ( this definitely affected the path he those for a career) leaving him feeing pushed into things and now later on in adulthood especially with what is going on now in the world like he wasted his whole life even doing what he chose to do. He has decided to go back to school for something new, but something he has always had interest in which is a very good and positive thing. With that positive switch though, he is now overly concerned with finances. He has always says that everyone in his life has screwed him over with the exception of myself and a had full of others. We do not have really any friends that we get to hang out with regularly. He has also has relationships that have failed him or he hit on him. I am the first who try’s to talk to him about these issues and do everything I can to keep positive reinforcement in out life and relationship. He has his good times and his bad. I just wish I knew of more ways to help him not feel this way. He takes things in all the time and then he makes the smallest blunder, even if it is not even a big deal, and then blames himself. He is an amazing person, I want so desperately to help him see that.
Hi Leann, we understand your desire to support someone you love. But we see a lot of red flags here. Being the only person someone turns to is a lot for anyone to navigate. We notice you don’t talk about yourself at all. How much of your life is consumed by ‘fixing’ his life? And dealing with his sorrows? If your life is so consumed by him you don’t even have friends we’d recommend you do some research on codependency and healthy vs unhealthy relationships. As for your boyfriend, we can’t change another person or ‘love them better’. Yes, we can support the people we love. But the only person who can change him is him. And the best way to support someone is also to take care of ourselves, to lead by example. Read about codependency here http://bit.ly/codependentall Best, HT
I have experienced a lifetime of abuse, starting when I was a baby by my father, and even married an abusive man. I have struggled with self worth all my life. I have tried with everything in me to move past it all. I try to eliminate toxic people from my life. I try to make friends and I try to be a good friend to people, but it feels like whenever I need someone to be there for me that everyone disappears. That ends up destroying my self worth even more. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m sick of feeling like I don’t have anyone. Suicide has crossed my mind and feels very much like a viable option.
Meg, what you are describing is actually a classic side effect of abuse. We become entrenched in certain ways of seeing the world and unconsciously create patterns by the decisions we make, unable to see that we are creating them because trauma has made our brain see a certain way. These patterns involve people rejecting us or making us feel unworthy. We unconsciously choose the very people who might do that even. There are some things here, such as using the word ‘eliminate’ and feeling totally rejected and abandoned, plus having suicidal thoughts and extreme low self esteem, which could be red flags for emotive personality disorder, common in women particularly who went through childhood abuse. (It’s also called borderline personality disorder, but there is actually nothing ‘borderline’ to it). So what we’d say is… you have to gather up all your courage and seek support. These sorts of heavily entrenched patterns are really really hard if not impossible to break alone. We suggest you read our article on therapies that help trauma survivors as not all therapies are helpful so it’s important you choose a good one and find a therapist you think you can grow to trust. http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Finally, don’t give up on yourself. People who have gone through trauma have many gifts to share with the world. They are often sensitive, caring, creative, and loving. And the world needs a lot more of that, wouldn’t you agree? Best, HT
So I have always struggled with 8n myself theses days I don know why more my husband doesn’t seem to want me 8 have stuck through everything mental phycial abuse 8 have stuck with him even when he was making his ex about how he wanted pics and how he missed ex’s and females and when I asked last year I was acuss8jg him 9f it so he did it but turns out it’s been happing for much longer then expected I can’t hold 9n much longer I lost my daughter 5 months ago she know lives with her grandma .. and all he tells me is I don’t live him when I do I have shown it I have lived it ….. When 8 was younger I was always called fat made fun of ….
……. Long pitiful cry for help why do 8 feel so worth less 8 honestly wish that I was never here becouse then 8 would have botherd eny9ne and these pr9bloy be happy st8ll
Hi Morgan. This isn’t love. This is abuse and trauma bonding. If we grow up without unconditional love or safety, we often think that trauma is love. Read our article on trauma bonds here. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm They are very hard to break, as you can see you are so addicted to this man you have even lost your daughter. You have to reach out for help. Look for a woman’s charity near you that helps women in abusive situations, and gather up your courage to contact them.
What if you’ve had all those problems since you were born? I doubt any counselor would solve fix or even scratch the surface of any of it. Not to mention not keen on it anymore since last so called therapist straight told me it (that is being RAPED by my step dad for most of my childhood) was all my fault AND on top of that tried to force me to live in this halfway house kind of thing where I would not have been allowed ANY contact from the outside world not even a phone call or any personal belongings not to mention I was pregnant then and she wanted to “remove” my baby til she deemed me “cured and ready or force me to adopt him out” (I was 18 then) ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I told her off and left. Haven’t trusted counseling since. So I’m good on that. I just wanna know why after so many years of trying to be better so somebody would finally think I’m good enough am I still not good enough?? I literally put myself last my children my husband even people I can’t stand come before me and yet I’m just trash and no its not in my head I’ve literally had EVERY person I’ve ever known straight say to my face that I’m “worthless, trash, waste of space, pos, loser, they wish I would just die” etc so tell me how to fix that I wonder literally EVERYBODY not just some people people I barely know people I’ve known my whole life and every stage of passerby to lifelong in between has used any variations of those words and yet I’ve never done anything to any of them to deserve it. I’ve wracked my brain and cried myself to sleep for years wondering why and trying to figure out what I ever did wrong. I was ripped away from the only parent figure that ever loved me and then they died before they even knew half of what was happening and I’ve had no love since even my husband ignores me and would rather talk to other women don’t know if he’s full blown cheating but he sure don’t want me now haven’t made love in 5 years every time there’s “sex” it’s only for him and its over before I even start. My kids are miserable cuz I can’t take care of 4 kids 4 animals and a house and everything else by myself but I try cuz nobody helps. So yeah when you find a cure for all that you let me know. PS all that and I just turned only 32!
Hi there. So you are very angry. Enraged, really. Whether you realise it or not, this is the vibe you are sending loud and clear even just in an internet comment. And we get it. Life can be really hard. You aren’t alone in that. We work with thousands of client who have lived through horrific things. In fact most people at some point face very difficult experiences. But if all you are doing is emanating fury then you are not going to attract supportive kind people. You are going to attract people who want to fight with you. You are sending out the message whether you realise it or not that you WANT a fight. Then there are core beliefs. The things that we deep down believe about ourselves, hidden in our unconscious. And these beliefs, like it or not, control our decisions. So we can say we don’t want to be treated badly, but deep down, if our core belief is, ‘I am worthless’, we will unconsciously make choices to ‘prove’ this true, including choosing to be around people we unconsciously know will put us down. So you are saying due to one bad experience you will never ever seek help again. Have you ever eaten something bad and then had stomach upset? Did you then decide to never ever eat again? Have one bad date then decide to never ever date again? Just to point out that basing your entire future on one bad experience isn’t helpful. There are bad therapists. Therapists are people, not robots, they can be flawed. There are also millions of good therapists. Given your history, you need support. Either you gather up your courage and seek it, knowing that finding a therapist might be like dating and you need to be patient until you find one you click with. You have very heavy trust issues so you have to expect not to like a therapist at first. To stick it out anyway. To find someone you feel down the line you might one day trust, then stick it out. Or start by finding a support group or start committing to a serious path of recovery and reading books and seeking courses etc. Or, other option, you can spend the rest of your life enraged and feeling beyond help and like it’s everyone else’s fault. But you are an adult now. You are a powerful person. You have the power to make different choices every single day. You just need the help to have the courage to leave your comfort zone of fury and self pity and make those different choices. But you have to decide that, nobody else can make that decision for you. We think you deserve that, don’t you? Best, HT.
I am the worlds biggest piece of shit. I am a waste of air, I need to give the world one less pollutant i have kids that are now grown they no longer need me. I am married to a man that has never been faithful, I would be replaced the moment I take my last breath. Life needs less pollutants, give the world back what it really needs.
Hi AA, sounds like you need someone to talk to. Don’t hesitate to call a free helpline, that’s what they are there for and there are kind people on the other end. Here’s our list of ones where we are in the UK http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines if you aren’t in the UK, google for the ones where you live. Best, HT.
I’ve always felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone even my ex . Due to a lot happening over the years especially the past three to four years. Its even worse that’s why I left I’ve always had this feeling that’s why I always try to make others feel comfort and happy I guess you can call it nice guy syndrome. I just don’t want anyone fell the way I did or do, but this being said I’ve met someone new and it felt like they are my savior but even my emotions seems to be to much for her at times. She has also been through a lot but handles emotions much better than I do it seems. I’m really a confident kind of guy just have to be in the correct mindset. Here lately not so much I stay in my head I feel like I can’t move or breathe just have a lot on my chest. That’s why I feel like I’m being to clingy emotionally and physically I need someone to talk to and be with. I need to get my emotions under control and figure what exactly I want. some of these alternatives I’m turning to are not helping and I don’t want to turn to the final alternative.
Hi Cody, what are these ‘alternatives’ you are turning to? Is any of them seeking support? Expecting any relationship to fix you is not only not healthy it’s a sure fire way to implode the relationship and leave yourself feeling far worse. The person who has to fix all this is you, there is no ‘saviour’ except for you. But the good news is that you absolutely have the ability to fix this. But of course doing it alone is hard, and if you knew HOW to fix it you would have already, right? We get that. Therapists don’t fix it for you, they just help you see the inner resources you didn’t know you had, help you put them to use, and then help you realise who you really are behind all this people pleasing, as well as release the repressed emotions and experiences that keep you stuck in cycles of unhelpful behaviour, such as pushing everyone away but then demanding too much/being clingy if you do get near love. (By the way the article talks about attachment. If you use our search bar to find our article on ‘anxious attachment’ we think you’ll understand yourself better). So you are the one who has to fix it, but a therapist can show you how, does that make sense? So look. Reach out for support. This stuff doesn’t just vanish. No relationship or person makes it vanish. It requires the courage to commit to sorting it out. If you read the article you’ll see it discusses a lot of what you’ve been through, and at the bottom it suggests types of therapy that can help. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
And sometimes people do not feel good enough, simply because they are not good enough… and how to deal with that?
Not good enough for what? We have yet to meet someone who is not good enough to be here on this earth, who does not have inner resources, who does not have the potential to help others. We have met a lot of people in terrible emotional pain, or who have done things they are not proud of. But every day we have the right to make different choices. Best, HT.
All my life I have been told that I am not pretty enough, not good enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not anything enough really. And because of that, for a very long time I actually never felt good enough for anything. It also made me very uncomfortable when other people where looking at me for a longer time, because I had to think it was due to the fact that I didn’t look good enough and I am ugly or stupid. I slowly let go of these thoughts, but sometimes they still haunt me.
Hi Alison, well worth booking some counselling sessions over, which would help. Best, HT.
This is my first attempt to fix myself. I am 48 yrs old and never been married. I have a well educated son who is 28 yes old with my high school sweetheart. We separated when our son was 13 yrs old. We were 2 totally different people, we wanted to live different lifestyles and therefore we fought and argued constantly. One day my son said Dad, why do you put up with her? If I was you, I would be gone. He was man enough at 13 to tell me that he was going to be okay with it. He was living with me full time within the first year and he still does whilst working at the hospital and going to college.
Girlfriend number 2 lasted 7 years, she was very good to both my son and I, but I would never let her move in and never asked her to marry me. Eventually our sex life turned into non existent and we parted ways.
Girlfriend number 3,. I met on a dating site. 6 months later she robbed me for 4,000.00 while I was asleep. I had pulled it out of my account to pay for a driveway to be poured. The next morning it was gone out of my center console of my truck.
Now this is the reason that I am seeking help.
Girlfriend number 4 has been with me for the last 4 years. I have been running over the road for FedEx ground, and only home on Sunday and Monday, back out Monday night. She has 2 daughters, one 13 and one 17 that I think of as my own. Keep in mind that I still have my own home and would stay with them at their house during my time home. My son is still living at home. Even though I love my girlfriend and her girls, I would never commit to them financially and anytime that I would get all stressed out about anything at all, I would pack my stuff and go home. I left her and the girls for what she says is the last time back in November. She has since blocked all communication with me and is dating someone else.
I have never hurt this bad about losing a girlfriend. I absolutely love this girl and her children with all of my heart. I have always blamed her for my packing and leaving, when the truth of the matter is ” I am the blame” I have never felt that I was good enough for her and was afraid of getting hurt because of her leaving me. Therefore I would never commit permanently and move in and out. I should have not done that to her and her girls. They deserve so much better and I want to be better. I admit my faults but I am seeking professional help to make sure that this never happens again. Not only am I doing this for myself but also for her and the girls. I will do anything to make us complete again and I need it to be forever. There are no drugs involved in our lives, we are both clean people and have never cheated on one another. I have wanted to marry her for a long time now and never asked because of my own insecurities. Please tell me what I can do to try and fix me. I have another issue with myself that I would rather not write publicly.
Hi there Calvin, there is a lot going on here. Where to start. All things best worked through with a counsellor who can truly get to know you, but we’ll offer a few pointers. First, this idea you have to be ‘fixed’. That is in itself part of the problem. It’s a self perspective that is self perpetuating. I am flawed, I am broken… I will unconsciously continue to make decisions that prove this true… what if you WEREN’T broken? Just… human? Doing your best? Could you even consider what it might be like to extend that sort of self compassion to yourself? Self compassion has been found to raise self esteem http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. Second, the idea that you are all at fault for relationship problems. Not possible. Relationships are 50/50. Two people. A woman who dates a man with self esteem and trust issues will have her own issues to deal with, yes? Perhaps she is controlling, demanding, manipulative, who knows… we don’t know anything about her, but we are sure she is far from perfect, note how she has cut you out cold, for example. So you can’t do this to ‘fix’ a relationship. You can only fix you. Any ex partners have to face up to their own responsibility for what went wrong. If they are in victim mode and totally blaming you, well that is their issue right there. We are not saying you didn’t make mistakes. We ALL do. We are saying it’s not possible another person isn’t 50% of the situation. Finally, this is not about the last girlfriend. This is, as you can see, something that goes right through all relationships. It will be a pattern of thinking and relating you learned as a child. So seek help as, yes, you are tired of not being able to trust and want to like yourself and recognise that you are a worthwhile guy with tons to offer, and yes, to stop beating yourself up and constantly feeling worthless when you make mistakes like we all do. But sound like you have a lot to offer. Go to therapy to recognise where these patterns come from and find new ways of thinking and relating that mean you finally stop this endless pattern of choosing relationships where you can’t be fully yourself and to find the comfort, safety, and love we all deserve. But don’t go to therapy thinking it will win anyone back. Especially a woman who has clearly moved on. We wish you courage. We believe you would find therapy very useful, consider reading our article on therapies that help with relating http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy Best, HT.
Thank you for your response, I know that I didn’t tell you anything about her, so therefore you are giving me the basic building blocks to make myself feel better. The truth is that she has never been manipulative, controlling or abusive to me in any way shape or form. She has been the love of my life and I let my own personal problems get in the way of me marrying her. I will be seeking counseling locally here in my hometown. Again thank you for all of the encouragement.
Honestly Calvin we are just being straight up. We would never say something just to make someone feel better, that would be inauthentic. It’s impossible for any human to be perfect, although some do act it, in what is known as codependency, forming their personality around pleasing the other at the cost of being properly honest and authentic. Nobody is perfect. We are all human and flawed. And note sometimes seeing someone else as perfect and ourselves as a big bad problem is actually quite stressful for the other person as they then have to live up to that. Also note that this tendency comes from low self-esteem. It’s a way to beat ourselves up. To put others on pedestals and ourselves down below. To glaze over the reality of the other person’s flaws so we can endlessly blame ourselves. Relationships are a dance. If one person is making messy steps, it’s a guarantee the other is too, somehow. Do seek counselling, and see what comes up! Best, HT.
When I was 4 my father left us to pursue a gay lifestyle and to focus his efforts on a successful medical practice in my home town. My mother never remarried but worked constantly to keep up with with the demands of being a single mother. She worked nights as a registered nurse to support our family and I relied on my older brother to help take care of me. He was only 18 months older but took on the responsibility to cook dinner and wake me up for school in the morning. My parents remained cordial through the years and my father was in and out of my life. My parents only spoke about medicine when they were together because it was all they ever had in common (aside from my brother and me). But I was always happier when they were together and so I naturally gravitated toward a career in medicine. After I graduated from high school I believed that if I went to college and became a successful doctor that I would be happy and everyone would love me, or perhaps that I could prove my worth and unite my parents again and life would be perfect. It was in my second year of college that I realized my grades weren’t good enough to get into medical school and I dropped my classes and suffered with horrible anxiety and depression for 6 months or more. I sought help and started cognitive therapy as well as antidepressant medication. Despite having below average grades I continued to hold on to hope that I would get into medical school and even repeated some of the courses I needed to make A’s in. I prepared as best I could but my entrance exam still wasn’t competitive and I withdrew my application. I instead enrolled into a masters degree for allied health professionals but always secretly planned to go back to medical school. As life went on I got married and had children and my “Dream” of becoming a doctor faded but the depression continued, perhaps worsened. I had difficulty finding any real fulfilment in my work and jumped from job to job over a 10 year period thinking that things would get better at my next job. It wasn’t until my mid 30’s that I decided to reach out for therapy again to help with anxiety, sleeplessness, job strife, and depression. Despite my best efforts and weekly meetings with my counselor I had a hard time trying to figure out what was underneath my mental illness. What was the source of my depression? To anyone reading this it may be obvious, But it wasn’t so obvious to me. In fact it was a VERY hard thing for me to figure out because it wasn’t something I was overtly conscious of. Sure I could blame it on my childhood. But millions of people have had bad childhoods without it causing depression (or so I believed). After three months working with my therapist this strange idea popped into my head; I “wasn’t enough”. I have been telling myself that I wasn’t good enough to keep my parents together, I wasn’t good enough for my mother to stay home at night when I was a little boy. Through high school I believed I wasn’t tall enough, athletic enough, good looking enough, smart enough, enough, enough, enough. Under the depression was a false belief that I was JUST simply never enough. I began to reflect on this idea over and over in my head and recall prior events in my life where I felt anxious or depressed. In almost every circumstance there was this pervasive belief (of not being good enough) that fueled each instance.
I continue to work with my counselor and still battling depression but I think I am on the right track and remain hopeful for the future. Regards.
MA, thanks for sharing this story, it’s so powerful! We are sure it will inspire other readers. Core beliefs are incredible, they are burrowed in our unconscious and can really rule the show, but once we root them out it can be a real shift. If you were enough, what would you actually want to do? Would it even be medicine at all? The other thing that is interesting is that there seemed to be some sort of sabotage going on with getting into medicine school, as you dropped out and withdrew your application as you decided you wouldn’t make it, instead of taking the chance even if you weren’t perfect or the highest applicant you would have made it through… in other words, your unconscious mind was driving you to ‘prove’ you weren’t good enough. Also note how you even managed to convince yourself you weren’t enough to have depression, if that makes sense… by comparing your own childhood to others. Anyway it’s great to hear you are moving forward, therapy can be a longer journey than we imagined, but when the lightbulbs turn on it makes it all worth it. Best, HT.
My dad passed a few days ago. My mom and a few others try to go on about hothead loved me unconditionally, but I know it’s about 60% horseshit. Never been good enough, won’t matter what I do, I will be be good enough for either of them, I won’t go into all the horror stories. But I have spent a great deal of my life wishing for non existence
Hi there D, so when we are grieving, our thoughts get very extreme and we can experience a lot of anger. So go easy on yourself. When we are young it can be easy to see our parents as our whole world. And to base our sense of self off our family. But as we grow up, then that is no longer healthy. We have to form our own sense of self. Who we are, and what value we have, has to come from ourselves, within, regardless of what anyone else, even our family, thinks. We don’t know your age, but we would guess you are a teen. this is the time in life we start to realise we have to soon be independent and can feel enraged at our parents for letting us down. To then lose a parent during this already difficult time of life is hard. So again, cut yourself some slack. It’s okay to have wild thoughts and emotions. But they are thoughts and emotions, not who you are. Who you are is up to you. And it’s something you’ll start to get more of a handle on as you get older and more independent. For now, take it one day at a time. Reach out to those you trust, friends. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t overlook your school counsellor, that is what they are there for. Or dont’ be afraid to call a free helpline, there are friendly people happy to listen on the other end. best, HT.