Always Left Feeling Not Good Enough? The Real Reasons Why

Glad it’s helpful!

Hi Tia first of all, that is a lot for any person to go through. So give yourself some credit for being here to share this. Second of all, it is possible that you can move through the effects of all this and see real change and peace. Regarding the drinking, the mind is a funny thing. Sometimes we can hold back memories and emotions for a very long time then some small thing will trigger everything. Are you thinking of counselling? A good counsellor would create a safe space for you to unpack all the unresolved emotions it sounds like you’ve never had time to process. And they are unbaised, they don’t rely on you to be a certain way, or judge you.

What does that mean when you say that, “I don’t believe in therapy?” What part don’t you believe in?

Hi there, thanks for sharing. Are you sure it al doesn’t effect you? As we see point 1 and 2 even just in this comment. If we all knew exactly what had traumatised or upset us or led us to have low self esteem and negative beliefs about ourselves, then nobody would ever have depression or anxiety. The mind represses and hides things to help us cope – until we aren’t. Discovering these things is not an overnight process or something someone else can do for you. It’s a journey. One you have to commit to. We’d suggest you consider counselling if you really want to get to the bottom of it. Good luck.

Hi Conrad, probably you are typing because no matter how hard it gets a tiny part of you still has hope and doesn’t believe that death is the answer. We’d say we strongly agree with that tiny part. We are sorry to hear you were bunged on drugs as a child. It’s a very American way of doing things. Note that therapy and drugs are not the same thing. And just putting a child on drugs without proper support merely masks symptoms over helps the child. By the way, there are large scale research studies that show that therapy often does work. But it’s definitely not a magic wand. What we see in your comment, Conrad, by the way, is a lot of extreme thinking. When we are depressed or feeling lost our mind can become addicted to cognitive distortions. Thoughts that aren’t actually reality but we tell ourselves are. What type of therapy did you try, we are curious? What would be useful would be to start by working on those wild thoughts telling you you are not loveable or should just die or that nothing works. They are, by the way, just thoughts, not who you are. Who you are is bigger and better than any mere thought.

Hi there Linda. There is a lot going on in this comment. Quite honestly there feels a struggle here to present vs what you feel. For example, you say your daughter continues to be ‘sweet, gentle, thoughtful’. Then go on to label her as anything but. And there seems a high anxiety to find who to blame, and to make it very clear it is not about parenting. In our experience making things about fault and blame within family units just lead to disconnection. Families are working units.Everyone affects the other, and the way one person sees things is not the way the other does. The way one person experiences and feels things is not the way the other does. And note we have never come across perfect parenting. Ever. Parents make mistakes. Sometimes big ones. There is no manual. Parents hurt kids despite best intentions, and kids upset parents despite best intentions. Families are messy. But the best parenting involves being honest about that, or risk alienating your children. We wonder if with so many other children already with their own set of problems your daughter felt pressured to live up to your desire she be ‘sweet, gentle’, etc. Which no child ever is all time unless they are trying to please a parent. If so, they spend a childhood trying to meet a parent’s expectations that they be a ‘good child’ then explode out all their repressed sadness and anger later on as they try to figure out who they actually are. Perhaps as a teen she needed to try being less than perfect. Seems pretty human to us. As does gossiping, a bit of hanging out with a wild crowd. I mean aren’t we essentially gossiping about her right now? She is also an adult now, 26. Which means it’s now entirely up to her how to be. The best a parent can do is try to love an adult child to the best of their ability, and set boundaries around the things you don’t or can’t accept in your own house and interactions. Other than that, she’s beyond your control.Finally we sense a lot of anger here, actually. And we wonder if it would not actually be more powerful and useful for you to, instead of trying to figure your daughter out, which is up to her now, to spend time with a counsellor looking at all your own feelings over raising children that didn’t meet your expectations and what this need to appear so perfect is actually about. Good luck.

Hi Jason, does anger have to be placed somewhere? Is it okay to just have anger that needs to be processed in a healthy way? We are human and we all make mistakes and the fact that you realise that is great. But the emotions are still there, beyond our adult reasoning. That’s one of the reasons therapy exists, to help us process these emotions we don’t know what to do with.

Hi Jackie, that’s an awful lot for one person to deal with. We are sure, however, you are more than all this. More than just what you have experienced, and with inner resources despite it all. We hope that you have sought some support on all this as it’s a lot to navigate alone.

Hi Kyle, what you are describing is a classic case of codependency, and it’s very common to use a codependent approach to all our relationships if we grew up taking care of a parent, always having to be responsible and ‘good’ as our parent isn’t well. Codependency means we have learned to base our identity and sense of self and worth around pleasing others. We don’t realise that we have worth just for being who we are, ‘warts and all’. The problem is that we if we are always trying to be ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’ we have to repress a lot of things about ourselves. We can lose sight of who we really are, and then feel lost, and yes, lonely. We are lonely because we are always actually acting, and never being our real selves. The truth is that we are acceptable and worthy even if we aren’t ‘kind, caring, supportive’ all the time. We are worthy and acceptable even if we are sad, upset, angry. Real relationships are based on being all of ourselves and accepting others for being all of their selves. We recommend you use the search bar to find our pieces on codependency and on authentic relationships. And also to seek support if you can. Is there a counsellor at school you would comfortable talking to? Note there are also great free help lines here in the UK with really nice trained volunteers happy to take your call with many just for people your age and if you don’t want to call you can text or email http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Best, HT

Hi there Evin, we don’t actually believe any child is ‘naturally angry and hateful’, unless you are one in about a million children born with psychopathy, which would mean you were never here feeling guilty writing this comment. Children are angry because they experience things that overwhelm them or don’t receive the love and acceptance they need to thrive. We can imagine, for example, it was hard to get much attention with that many siblings. Also, we all do and say terrible things. It doesn’t make us a terrible person. It makes us a person who has said terrible things. So we’d say we are sure you are not at all a terrible person, just a person going through a lot who feels lonely and unloved. but who has all the potential that anyone else does and can do great things with her life. Finally, you are sixteen. It’s tough being a teen. Your brain is still growing, your body is flooded with hormones, you are still figuring out who you are. It’s actually normal to be self judgemental as a teen, to feel lost and unhappy. That said, your level of self-esteem seems extremely low and there is clearly an issue with your father. So it would be great if you had someone to talk to. Is there a counsellor at your school you would feel comfortable talking to? Also note that if you are in USA, Canada, UK, etcetera, they have free help lines for teens. Google for one in your country. Best, HT

Hi Leann, we understand your desire to support someone you love. But we see a lot of red flags here. Being the only person someone turns to is a lot for anyone to navigate. We notice you don’t talk about yourself at all. How much of your life is consumed by ‘fixing’ his life? And dealing with his sorrows? If your life is so consumed by him you don’t even have friends we’d recommend you do some research on codependency and healthy vs unhealthy relationships. As for your boyfriend, we can’t change another person or ‘love them better’. Yes, we can support the people we love. But the only person who can change him is him. And the best way to support someone is also to take care of ourselves, to lead by example. Read about codependency here http://bit.ly/codependentall Best, HT

Meg, what you are describing is actually a classic side effect of abuse. We become entrenched in certain ways of seeing the world and unconsciously create patterns by the decisions we make, unable to see that we are creating them because trauma has made our brain see a certain way. These patterns involve people rejecting us or making us feel unworthy. We unconsciously choose the very people who might do that even. There are some things here, such as using the word ‘eliminate’ and feeling totally rejected and abandoned, plus having suicidal thoughts and extreme low self esteem, which could be red flags for emotive personality disorder, common in women particularly who went through childhood abuse. (It’s also called borderline personality disorder, but there is actually nothing ‘borderline’ to it). So what we’d say is… you have to gather up all your courage and seek support. These sorts of heavily entrenched patterns are really really hard if not impossible to break alone. We suggest you read our article on therapies that help trauma survivors as not all therapies are helpful so it’s important you choose a good one and find a therapist you think you can grow to trust. http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma Finally, don’t give up on yourself. People who have gone through trauma have many gifts to share with the world. They are often sensitive, caring, creative, and loving. And the world needs a lot more of that, wouldn’t you agree? Best, HT

Hi Morgan. This isn’t love. This is abuse and trauma bonding. If we grow up without unconditional love or safety, we often think that trauma is love. Read our article on trauma bonds here. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-trauma-bonding.htm They are very hard to break, as you can see you are so addicted to this man you have even lost your daughter. You have to reach out for help. Look for a woman’s charity near you that helps women in abusive situations, and gather up your courage to contact them.

Hi there. So you are very angry. Enraged, really. Whether you realise it or not, this is the vibe you are sending loud and clear even just in an internet comment. And we get it. Life can be really hard. You aren’t alone in that. We work with thousands of client who have lived through horrific things. In fact most people at some point face very difficult experiences. But if all you are doing is emanating fury then you are not going to attract supportive kind people. You are going to attract people who want to fight with you. You are sending out the message whether you realise it or not that you WANT a fight. Then there are core beliefs. The things that we deep down believe about ourselves, hidden in our unconscious. And these beliefs, like it or not, control our decisions. So we can say we don’t want to be treated badly, but deep down, if our core belief is, ‘I am worthless’, we will unconsciously make choices to ‘prove’ this true, including choosing to be around people we unconsciously know will put us down. So you are saying due to one bad experience you will never ever seek help again. Have you ever eaten something bad and then had stomach upset? Did you then decide to never ever eat again? Have one bad date then decide to never ever date again? Just to point out that basing your entire future on one bad experience isn’t helpful. There are bad therapists. Therapists are people, not robots, they can be flawed. There are also millions of good therapists. Given your history, you need support. Either you gather up your courage and seek it, knowing that finding a therapist might be like dating and you need to be patient until you find one you click with. You have very heavy trust issues so you have to expect not to like a therapist at first. To stick it out anyway. To find someone you feel down the line you might one day trust, then stick it out. Or start by finding a support group or start committing to a serious path of recovery and reading books and seeking courses etc. Or, other option, you can spend the rest of your life enraged and feeling beyond help and like it’s everyone else’s fault. But you are an adult now. You are a powerful person. You have the power to make different choices every single day. You just need the help to have the courage to leave your comfort zone of fury and self pity and make those different choices. But you have to decide that, nobody else can make that decision for you. We think you deserve that, don’t you? Best, HT.

Hi AA, sounds like you need someone to talk to. Don’t hesitate to call a free helpline, that’s what they are there for and there are kind people on the other end. Here’s our list of ones where we are in the UK http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines if you aren’t in the UK, google for the ones where you live. Best, HT.

Hi Cody, what are these ‘alternatives’ you are turning to? Is any of them seeking support? Expecting any relationship to fix you is not only not healthy it’s a sure fire way to implode the relationship and leave yourself feeling far worse. The person who has to fix all this is you, there is no ‘saviour’ except for you. But the good news is that you absolutely have the ability to fix this. But of course doing it alone is hard, and if you knew HOW to fix it you would have already, right? We get that. Therapists don’t fix it for you, they just help you see the inner resources you didn’t know you had, help you put them to use, and then help you realise who you really are behind all this people pleasing, as well as release the repressed emotions and experiences that keep you stuck in cycles of unhelpful behaviour, such as pushing everyone away but then demanding too much/being clingy if you do get near love. (By the way the article talks about attachment. If you use our search bar to find our article on ‘anxious attachment’ we think you’ll understand yourself better). So you are the one who has to fix it, but a therapist can show you how, does that make sense? So look. Reach out for support. This stuff doesn’t just vanish. No relationship or person makes it vanish. It requires the courage to commit to sorting it out. If you read the article you’ll see it discusses a lot of what you’ve been through, and at the bottom it suggests types of therapy that can help. We wish you courage! Best, HT.

Not good enough for what? We have yet to meet someone who is not good enough to be here on this earth, who does not have inner resources, who does not have the potential to help others. We have met a lot of people in terrible emotional pain, or who have done things they are not proud of. But every day we have the right to make different choices. Best, HT.

Hi Alison, well worth booking some counselling sessions over, which would help. Best, HT.

Hi there Calvin, there is a lot going on here. Where to start. All things best worked through with a counsellor who can truly get to know you, but we’ll offer a few pointers. First, this idea you have to be ‘fixed’. That is in itself part of the problem. It’s a self perspective that is self perpetuating. I am flawed, I am broken… I will unconsciously continue to make decisions that prove this true… what if you WEREN’T broken? Just… human? Doing your best? Could you even consider what it might be like to extend that sort of self compassion to yourself? Self compassion has been found to raise self esteem http://bit.ly/selfcompassionHT. Second, the idea that you are all at fault for relationship problems. Not possible. Relationships are 50/50. Two people. A woman who dates a man with self esteem and trust issues will have her own issues to deal with, yes? Perhaps she is controlling, demanding, manipulative, who knows… we don’t know anything about her, but we are sure she is far from perfect, note how she has cut you out cold, for example. So you can’t do this to ‘fix’ a relationship. You can only fix you. Any ex partners have to face up to their own responsibility for what went wrong. If they are in victim mode and totally blaming you, well that is their issue right there. We are not saying you didn’t make mistakes. We ALL do. We are saying it’s not possible another person isn’t 50% of the situation. Finally, this is not about the last girlfriend. This is, as you can see, something that goes right through all relationships. It will be a pattern of thinking and relating you learned as a child. So seek help as, yes, you are tired of not being able to trust and want to like yourself and recognise that you are a worthwhile guy with tons to offer, and yes, to stop beating yourself up and constantly feeling worthless when you make mistakes like we all do. But sound like you have a lot to offer. Go to therapy to recognise where these patterns come from and find new ways of thinking and relating that mean you finally stop this endless pattern of choosing relationships where you can’t be fully yourself and to find the comfort, safety, and love we all deserve. But don’t go to therapy thinking it will win anyone back. Especially a woman who has clearly moved on. We wish you courage. We believe you would find therapy very useful, consider reading our article on therapies that help with relating http://bit.ly/findlovetherapy Best, HT.

Honestly Calvin we are just being straight up. We would never say something just to make someone feel better, that would be inauthentic. It’s impossible for any human to be perfect, although some do act it, in what is known as codependency, forming their personality around pleasing the other at the cost of being properly honest and authentic. Nobody is perfect. We are all human and flawed. And note sometimes seeing someone else as perfect and ourselves as a big bad problem is actually quite stressful for the other person as they then have to live up to that. Also note that this tendency comes from low self-esteem. It’s a way to beat ourselves up. To put others on pedestals and ourselves down below. To glaze over the reality of the other person’s flaws so we can endlessly blame ourselves. Relationships are a dance. If one person is making messy steps, it’s a guarantee the other is too, somehow. Do seek counselling, and see what comes up! Best, HT.

MA, thanks for sharing this story, it’s so powerful! We are sure it will inspire other readers. Core beliefs are incredible, they are burrowed in our unconscious and can really rule the show, but once we root them out it can be a real shift. If you were enough, what would you actually want to do? Would it even be medicine at all? The other thing that is interesting is that there seemed to be some sort of sabotage going on with getting into medicine school, as you dropped out and withdrew your application as you decided you wouldn’t make it, instead of taking the chance even if you weren’t perfect or the highest applicant you would have made it through… in other words, your unconscious mind was driving you to ‘prove’ you weren’t good enough. Also note how you even managed to convince yourself you weren’t enough to have depression, if that makes sense… by comparing your own childhood to others. Anyway it’s great to hear you are moving forward, therapy can be a longer journey than we imagined, but when the lightbulbs turn on it makes it all worth it. Best, HT.

Hi there D, so when we are grieving, our thoughts get very extreme and we can experience a lot of anger. So go easy on yourself. When we are young it can be easy to see our parents as our whole world. And to base our sense of self off our family. But as we grow up, then that is no longer healthy. We have to form our own sense of self. Who we are, and what value we have, has to come from ourselves, within, regardless of what anyone else, even our family, thinks. We don’t know your age, but we would guess you are a teen. this is the time in life we start to realise we have to soon be independent and can feel enraged at our parents for letting us down. To then lose a parent during this already difficult time of life is hard. So again, cut yourself some slack. It’s okay to have wild thoughts and emotions. But they are thoughts and emotions, not who you are. Who you are is up to you. And it’s something you’ll start to get more of a handle on as you get older and more independent. For now, take it one day at a time. Reach out to those you trust, friends. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, don’t overlook your school counsellor, that is what they are there for. Or dont’ be afraid to call a free helpline, there are friendly people happy to listen on the other end. best, HT.

Hi there Mureau. It’s easy to tell ourselves we had a ‘great childhood’. But sounds like you didn’t feel supported or that there wasn’t room for you to be yourself, just what your parents needed. We can hide behind an idea we had a great childhood as we are scared to make our parents ‘wrong’. But this isn’t necessary. Parenting is hard, and it’s possible they did their best. That is not the question. Nor is it about a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ childhood. A childhood is what it is. The question is whether you got what you needed to be a confident adult who knows how to relate in healthy ways. If you didn’t then you need to process all this pain and confusion and learn relating and confidence yourself. Would you consider reaching out for support in the form of counselling or psychotherapy? We think it could really help. Best, HT.

Hi there. Low self-esteem doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It tends to be something that comes from a series of experiences we have had, often in childhood, that create a set of beliefs that live in our unconscious mind and ‘direct the show’, so to speak. So while we can’t wave a magic wand and fix this for you, YOU can fix it. But it won’t be instant. It will take a commitment to yourself and some hard work, learning who you are and how you think and where all your beliefs come from. And the courage to reach out for some support in the form of counselling or therapy. Yes, self help books are great too, but given that this is, as you say, affecting your whole life, then support would be advised. But these things can improve. You might, if therapy sounds overwhelming, want to start with a round of CBT therapy. It’s only short term, it doesn’t dive into your past, it just works on helping you learn how to recognise, manage, and improve your thinking, which then goes on to affect your decisions. It’s helpful for low self-esteem and anxiety. Oh, and in the meantime, try our article, with practical tools for raising self confidence https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/building-confidence.htm Best, HT.

Hi Sabrina, we can’t tell you the answer to your life, particularly just based on a comment, as we don’t know the whole story. All we can do is ask good questions. What has stopped you from just doing the degree? Is there really no enterprise in the entire place that you live in who doesn’t care or are you basing this on a few experiences and making an assumption as you are upset? What stops you from, say, just starting your own business? (These are just questions to widen perspective, as when we are insulted our perspective tends to narrow). There feels to be a lot of anger here, is that possible? What other things make you angry at the moment if you take a moment to really reflect? It feels like you are fixated on this situation and we would suspect in therapy it would be a bigger, more multi facted issue, but otherwise you might want to do a few coaching sessions with a careers coach who could help you find other perspectives and solutions. Best, HT.