Do your fights seems random? And do you secretly enjoy the drama, and like to tell the story of it all later?
Fights are exciting, and can create the interesting energy you are missing if your relationship is stuck in a rut. But of course it’s a very unhealthy way to bring excitement to a relationship. Better ways would be deep connection, planning life goals together, or having good sex.
Speaking of sex. Conflict in partnerships can in some cases be a roundabout way to get it. As long as it doesn’t go too far, spats usually end in makeup sex.
According to a large-scale study of 6,000 citizens by UK charity Relate, ” Nearly two thirds of us (62%) say our sex life is important, but fewer than half are satisfied (45%) and over half (51%) haven’t had sex in the last month.”
Of course it’s not just the sex, it’s also the next point…
5. You are craving real intimacy.
Are you more likely to start a fight if you feel your friend or partner is not paying attention?
We’ve already mentioned that fighting can be used to dodge real intimacy, if you pick fights when things are going well. But what if you pick fights when things are flatlining, or not going too well?
It might be you deeply crave real connection, attention, and intimacy, but don’t know how to get it in healthy ways. Fighting and its aftermath might be the only way you know to create that close feeling.
6. You don’t know how to communicate properly.
Have a sense when you pick a fight there is something you really want to say, but then the fight ends and you don’t feel you’ve said it?
8. You actually don’t have control of your emotions.
Do your fights come out of nowhere? Are they really firey and dramatic? Are you known from going to zero to one hundred emotionally in a matter of seconds?
‘Emotional dysregulation’ in psychology means you actually can’t control your emotions. It’s as if your emotional thermostat is broken and moves far too fast, getting stuck at the top and bottom instead of staying in the middle.
And what’s the umbrella reason you pick fights with others?
There is one big reason we get stuck in all these fights above. And that is that we are actually re-enacting a power dynamic from our childhood.
We aren’t really fighting with that other person at all. We are still having a go at the father who refused to give us attention, the overcritical mother, the parent who would never let us be right, the caregiver who walked out and abandoned us.
Unless we take the time to identify and transform these dynamics, we repeat the pattern again and again, essentially choosing friends or partners like our parents.
Ready to stop the endless fights that leave you lonely? And break the pattern at last? We connect you with top London talk therapists in central locations. Or find a UK-wide therapiston our booking site, along with online counsellors who can help no matter where you live.
Still have a question about why you pick a fight or want to share your experience with other readers? Post below. Please note that comments are moderated and we do not allow aggression or advertisements.
Andrea Blundell has written several thousand psychology and coaching articles as a ghostwriter, and is now the editor and lead writer of this blog. With training in person-centred counselling and coaching, her fave topics are trauma, ADHD, and relationships.