You tell yourself it’s just the way modern dating is, that people are selfish. It’s them, anyway. But if you are constantly chasing after emotionally unavailable partners? Then it is you. And it’s time to dig deep into why.
Except that there really isn’t a person out there who doesn’t sometime doubt him or herself. In fact self-doubting is healthy, and keeps us from being a narcissist. And low self-esteem doesn’t come out of nowhere.
Low self-worth is more often than not another symptom, not a root cause. There are other, deeper things at work.
[In a relationship that is dragging you down, and just don’t know who you are anymore? Reach out to a Skype therapist today to talk to someone who really understands.]
What do you actually believe love is?
A good place to start looking when it comes to figuring out your attraction to the emotionally unavailable? Examine your core beliefs about love.
Core beliefs, also referred to as ‘limiting beliefs’, are the assumptionswe make about the way the world works when we are children. We then tend to mistake these assumptions for hard facts and live our lives accordingly.
Is it any wonder you then grow up into an adult who feels uncomfortable around nice people who want to date you, but ‘in love’ with people who are unavailable or unkind?
The power of attachment styles
Sometimes it’s not just what you learned from your parents, but actually how you were parented at all.
Attachment theory states that in order to grow up into secure adults who can have healthy relationships? We need a primary caregiver as a child who we can trust to protect us and to be there for us, loving us no matter what.
If instead you have a parent who is wishy-washy with their love? Or who only gives you love when you are a ‘good’ boy or girl? Then you grow up to have anxious attachment, feeling you have to earn love and adjust yourself accordingly to deserve it.
And instead of being attracted to healthy sorts? Those with anxious attachment tend to go for those with ‘avoidant attachment’ . These are people who learned growing up that the easiest way to cope was to avoid intimacy, a.k.a…..be emotionally unavailable.
Here’s the thing we don’t admit when we moan about always going for emotionally available men, or cold and aloof women.
That if we are always choosing people who don’t allow intimacy? It is often as deep down we don’t want intimacy. It even secretly terrifies us, or we are afraid we’d lose ourselves entirely if we let ourselves be loved.
Or is it just codependency?
To loop back to low self-esteem just a little here –codependency is often a factor if we are hooked on unavailable partners.
Still have a question about emotionally unavailable partners and why you choose them? Or want to share a personal experience? Post in the public comment box below. Comments are monitored to protect our readers.