“I Don’t Belong” – Can’t Find Your Place in the World?
By: Leon Riskin
Constantly left feeling, “I don’t belong?” Even when surrounded by so-called ‘friends’?
Editor and lead writer Andrea Blundell explores the issue of ‘belongingness’.
What is belonging?
Belonging is defined as feeling part of a group, whether that is a family, a set of friends, or a workplace.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow, in his famous model about human motivation called ‘the Hierarchy of Needs’, saw ‘love and belonging’ as so important he placed them third only to our basic ‘physiological needs’ like food and shelter, and ‘safety needs’ like employment and good health.
But in our modern world, belonging can feel hard to come by, and has perhaps taken on new meaning. When we talk about our desire to belong, it’s not the sort of thing joining a group can fix, certainly not another Facebook group.
Many of us aren’t even sure what ‘feeling part of something’ means. In a world where we can connect with anyone, anytime, we have a restless, empty feeling we want answered. And for some of us, what we are really saying is, “I feel lonely, all the time, and I don’t know why’.
What is ‘belongingness’ to you personally?
It can help to look at what you are really talking about when you say ‘I don’t belong’.
- What is your personal definition of belonging?
- Can you break it into elements that are more exact?
- Is your idea of belonging even realistic? Or healthy?
- Where did you learn your idea of belonging?
For example, if you are saying “I don’t belong” and what you you find you mean is, ‘I don’t feel like anyone values my input’, this can immediately give you new goals. You can start to look for new friends as a starting point, or look for a job where you skills are valued.
by Freddie Marriage
If you discover that when you say “I don’t belong” you really mean you want to be constantly approved of or liked? Or have 100 thousand Instagram followers?
Then you might start to realise this is not the healthiest form of belonging. It’s not realistic for everyone you meet to like you, or healthy, particularly if you are being something other than yourself to win approval.
And if you really are saying, “I am terribly lonely and can’t connect with others“, then it’s time to dig deep and look at the root causes.
How did I end up someone who feels “I don’t belong?”
Feeling you don’t belong is a belief. And negative beliefs tend to come from negative childhood environments and experiences.
Childhood trauma.
Things like sexual abuse are often behind a feeling we don’t belong. It leaves us mired in shame, and feeling flawed and unloveable. How can we feel we belong if deep down we feel like a monster? It also destroys our sense of self. To belong, we need to know who we are, and what we have to offer.
Adverse childhood experiences.
Also called “ACEs”, they can also leave us with low self-esteem and a weak identity. They include things like neglect, a parent who is an addict or alcoholic or has a mental illness, watching a parent being abused, and your parents divorcing.
Poor parenting.
You need to have had at last one caregiver as a young child who gave you unconditional love, acceptance, and safety.
If instead your caregiver was inconsistent, or you had to ‘earn’ love, you end up an adult with ‘anxious attachment’. You are still trying to fit into what you think other people see as loveable, never feeling at home in relationships or, indeed, the world.
Can psychological issues and disorders leave you feeling an outsider?
Yes, often.
By: Felix Huth
Things like depression and anxiety can make us feel an outsider because of the shame they can bring. We feel flawed, faulty, not as good as everyone else.
Personality disorders mean you see yourself, others, and the world in a way that is outside the current norm. This can make fitting in really hard.
Autism spectrum disorder can include needing more order and less emotional input than other people. And environments that others can easily handle can feel too much for your senses. Being so different can leave you feeling an outsider.
Adult ADHD can also disrupt your ability to feel you belong. In groups you can talk too much or interrupt, no matter how hard you try not to. The end result is you feel a social pariah. And you can give up on things like courses and projects, meaning you take yourself out of groups you were just starting to belong to because you feel too frustrated to continue.
Where does your idea of being part of things come from?
Didn’t have a tough childhood and don’t feel you have a disorder? But still feel like you don’t belong?
Often the ideas, values, and beliefs we live by, and take for granted, aren’t even our own. They are things we learned from parents and caregivers, or borrowed from partners and peers.
Why does it matter? Because we can be chasing something that isn’t even what we deep down truly want or need. How can we feel we belong anywhere if inside we are going against ourselves?
Belonging and personal values
It can help here to look at your personal values, and how they might give you keys to belonging.
Knowing and following what deep down matters to you leads to meeting people you actually have things in common with, and to making life choices that give you a sense of purpose. Do you value money, or charity? Adventure, or stability? Are you going to feel you belong in a business setting in the town you grew up in, or on an overseas charity mission?
Belonging – something we find, or something we create?
Writer Toko-pa Turner, in her book Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home , questions the old ideas of belonging as a mythical place we find outside of ourselves.
Instead, she suggests belonging is a skillset we can learn, and that belonging works from the inside out.
“Our longing for community and purpose is so powerful that it can drive us to join groups, relationships, or systems of belief that, to our diminished or divided self, give the false impression of belonging. But places of false belonging grant us conditional membership, requiring us to cut parts of ourselves off in order to fit in. While false belonging can be useful and instructive for a time, the soul becomes restless.”
She suggests we start with repairing our identities and worth, and our relationships with ourselves, creating belonging within. From there we can find ways to connect our authentic selves with what is around us. With this perspective, we can truly find belonging everywhere.
Time to face the root issues that leave you lonely, disconnected, and feeling like you don’t belong? We connect you with London’s top talk therapists. Or find UK-wide registered therapists on our booking site, along with online counsellors you can work with from anywhere.
Still have a question about constantly feeling, “I don’t belong”? Or want to share your experience with other readers? Use the comment box below. Note that comments are moderated and we do not allow harassment or advertisements.
Andrea Blundell is the editor and lead writer of this site. She studied person-centred counselling and coaching, and likes to write about trauma, relationships, and authenticity.
I don’t believe I belong in this world or time line. I think I’m here for a reason but don’t know what. I have tried to kill myself numerous times yet still I’m here. What is my purpose???
Sienna, we suggest you read our article on finding your purpose, which is a (not necessarily healthy) obsession in the Western World that leaves many of us confused https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/finding-your-purpose-anxiety.htm. As for not feeling you belong, as the article discusses, this is about bigger things usually, that it’s a great idea to seek support for, particularly if you are suicidal. Please, please reach out for help. Here is our article on free help lines http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines and on finding low cost to free therapy http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Best, HT.
I can’t even cope with the fact that I am writing a comment on this subject on a page I found online.
I am quite a level headed person, great career with fantastic career progression opportunities but somehow I’m still tough with myself.
When I went to Uni years ago it was all fun and games, enjoying life without many luxuries (just like any other student I enjoyed being with my friends and doing whatever made us happy). Then my dad died. I started feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere so I moved cities a few times (I wasn’t living in the UK at that time).
In 2015 I met my current partner, who is British, and after 3 months of visiting each other on weekends due to the long distance, we decided that it was time for me to move in with him in the UK.
I gave up everything I knew, family, friends and habits to be with him. 7 years on, he has decided that it is time for him to move on (with no hint that something was not going well or that he was unhappy).
In the 7 years that we have been together I have managed to build a good career for myself, as he is a successful business man and my ambition was to get as successful as possible myself to match his wealth, however all my friends are his friends and family. We are not separated as yet due to the Coronavirus situation but I can only presume that after a vaccine will be released, I will have to eventually move out. We have not discussed the matter as yet.
My sense of belonging is the sense of stability that I have in my home with him and our 2 dogs. Take that away and I don’t know where to go.
A fresh start is scary because I have very few friends that have young families and little time to spend socialising outside their household and I have no family of my own in this country. I literally feel like I do not belong anywhere and I have no clue where I am going to go from here or where I am going to live all alone.
I think I am beginning to struggle mentally but kind of refusing to acknowledge the struggle and denying all this anxiety.
Hi Yoanna, it’s a big change in a difficult time. It would be strange NOT to feel anxious and scared. So in this situation fear is normal. But be wary of going into black and white thinking, which can happen when we are stressed. Is this really an all or nothing situation? Is this really a case of ‘happy only in this life, sad in another’? The thing is even with just this comment you’ve proved your own inner resources. You’ve made big changes before and managed, in fact even ended up thriving. We don’t doubt it will be uncomfortable and scary at first, but we also don’t doubt you’ll find your way, find new friends, and handle living alone. It’s not against new lockdown rules to move house, and we’d suggest that staying in the same house is adding to your anxiety and fear. Sometimes things feel a whole lot better once the big leap is taken. Not to say support wouldn’t be a good idea. Most therapists now offer online services you can work with one even during lockdown. Even if it’s only short term, having someone impartial to talk to could be very useful, so do consider booking some sessions. Finally, sometimes in life we make mistakes. And that’s fine, even great, because how else would we learn? It seems here you made a classic mistake of not developing your own friendships circles and life outside a relationship, which is a lot for any relationship to take, and can mean when the relationship fails we are lonely right when we need support. You can’t change that this has happened, but something to think about for the next relationship. Best, HT.
All my life I have tried to be liked tried to fit in, tried to belong. Even my family think i am odd. I got married because I just wanted to be normal and that failed so I tried again and that failed I have never wanted kids to be honest I don’t know what I want. Sometime I just wish I would die.
Even hobbies, I have tried so many. I get really enthusiastic for a while and then get bored with them. I have never found anything that keeps me interested for long. Even relationships the beginning is always fun but after a while its just the same meat different day. I look at my brother and sister who have been happily married all their lives never divorced have lovely kids and are always happy and successful in everything they do. Me I live alone at the grand old age of 60 couldn’t even celebrate my 60th with anyone if I wanted to this year thanks to Covid. Out of work now as well so not even work to keep me occupied. What is the point to life I keep hoping that one day I might find out. But really I am waiting for my Mum to die so I can kill myself as I could not hurt her that way.
Hi Martin, this all sounds tough and very lonely. But we’d also say it sounds like you’ve got a lot of courage. You’ve tried a lot and kept going. But there feels to be a pattern here. Of trying then giving up and feeling a ‘failure’. We don’t at all believe this is hopeless. We happen to know that patterns have a reason behind them and they can be fixed. It’s just that we often can’t see the ‘woods for the trees’ so to speak. We need some help and support from someone who isn’t family, who is impartial, who can give us non judgmental perspective. Given that you seem to also be suffering depression, would you be willing to talk to your GP and ask for a referral for some free therapy? There’s no need to be embarrassed about it. Just explain you really are struggling and feeling bad about yourself and think it’s time for some support. Otherwise, take a look at our guide to finding free and low cost counselling here for more ideas http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. Also discuss your focus issues with the therapist, it could even be attention deficit disorder, we can’t say as we don’t know you, and also as many things can cause this lack of sustained focus, such as difficult experiences as a child which can affect your brain and mind (this can be helped with therapy). Finally, if you are feeling really low, consider calling a free helpline. That is what they are there for, and there are nice people to talk to. Here’s a list of places to try http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. Go easy on yourself. You aren’t your brother or sister, you are you. You probably have had experiences they haven’t, but you are so used to beating yourself up you can’t give yourself any credit. And note that life can change at any age. 60 can be a new beginning, we’ve seen it in clients. We wish you courage! Best, HT.
I don’t even see myself as human. There is more to being human than biology. I don’t understand people. I have nothing in common with them. I can’t interact with them. As a result, that has made them hate me because I don’t give them the perfection they expect. And as another result, I have an undying hatred of humans. I’ve always been alone, isolated, and miserable.
On top of it all, I was born with a physical illness as well, only adding to the distress I feel because the humans don’t have to deal with sticking themselves with five or six syringes a day to stay alive like I do. What happens when it’s not that you ‘think’ that you don’t have a place in this world and when you ‘know for absolute fact’ that you don’t have a place in this world?
Hey there. You are angry. Life has been tough and you compare your own life to others and decide they have it way better. Fury does that, it isolates us, we get it. The thing is, we see a lot of assumptions here, and not a single ‘absolute fact’. You say nobody understands you and they don’t understand you. It’s always possible you have a personality disorder, which means your brain simply sees the world in a different way and you need proper help to learn how to understand others and cope in this world. But it might also just be that anger has your mind entrenched in assumptions and negative beliefs. For example, the idea that others expect ‘perfection’. We’ve never met a perfect person, but we’ve met a lot of people with low self esteem who assume others expect them to be something when often that’s not quite the case. We’d also suggest that other people aren’t stupid. If you hate them, they feel it, which unfortunately drives them away and leaves you lonely. So it would be a great idea to get some support if you had the courage, to work on this fury and learn better relating skills. As for your belief you don’t belong because you have an illness, we have clients with all sorts of illnesses and physical challenges and that does not at all relate to whether you have a place in the world. People with really severe physical disabilities have made enormous change and more than belonged here. Of course to have a place in the world we have to want to belong, and we have to also care about others and see beyond ourselves. This world isn’t a one man island. So again, best to work on yourself, your anger, and your relating skills, all of which can indeed be transformed with the right support, and go from there. Best, HT.
I’ve been in therapy for depression and anxiety for many years. I’m married. We decided not to have children for many reasons. One is that given the state of our planet, resources, etc I don’t think it’s wise or kind to bring in a new child. This is a very frowned upon perspective by mainstream society. I have a very grim view for humanity and lack hope in any sense for a better type of future. Because of this, we have trouble making friends and I have trouble faking to care about certain superficial “problems” people have. I believe in God but not that one religion has all the answers. This makes finding a faith based solution nearly impossible as most people I know are pretty exclusive when it comes to religious beliefs. I constantly struggle with “what’s wrong with me” thoughts and “I don’t belong here with humans” thoughts. I constantly have fearful thoughts of being trapped in an elderly, alone, with Alzheimer’s situation, and just being left in some dark place to die. So looking for some direction on what to read or type of counseling I need to seek out to help with these things. Thank you.
Hi Cooper, what sort of therapy have you tried already? Have you discussed all this with your therapist? What we see here is a ton of assumptions, cognitive distortions, anger, fear, and judgement. This usually comes from a deep inner judgement of yourself, evidenced by your core beliefs there is something deeply wrong with you and you belong nowhere. Probably arising from childhood trauma or challenges that knocked your sense of self. With this level of distrust what would matter most would be finding a therapist you think you could grow to trust. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a short term therapy that could help you recognise that your thoughts are assumptions and help you have more balanced thoughts, it s a good stabiliser, but you’d need a stronger therapist/client relationship long term after a round of this. ( Note that if you had trauma in childhood, some types of talk therapy can make things worse over better, you need to stablise first, with things like CBT, EMDR… read our article here http://bit.ly/therapyfortrauma). Other longer term types of therapy that spring to mind are schema therapy and compassion focussed therapy. But again, you need to work with a therapist you can actually trust. If you’ve been going to a therapist for years and can’t share all this then there’s a problem. Finally, not everyone is designed to get along with everyone. We don’t see any evidence of it in your comment, but, for example, some people see the world in a different way, there brain isn’t the same, what is called a ‘personality disorder’. A good therapist would spot this if it was an issue (again, we don’t see any evidence of it). Best, HT.
Great article — except for the fact that some people are excluded and rejected over and over. It’s not a disbelief, it’s an actual event.
Hello, I just want to say that the article explains well in few words a lot of interesting things that allow us to get a better understanding of this issue and which questions we can ask ourselves to get the full answer.
But even better than the article is the fact that there are some serious comments here, and I’ve found all of your replies very constructive, helpfull, and well writen, which is very important for the person that wrote the question to understand all of your recomendations.
Keep doing a good job, you definitely belong in helping people.
That’s very kind Pedro, we really appreciate this feedback. Our aim is to help. Best, HT.
Hi there, we recommend you read our articles on why rejection happens http://bit.ly/rejectionpain and how to break the cycle http://bit.ly/rejectforward. Best, HT.
Hey Annonymous w the syringes : I understand you. I have ‘fun’ health conditions (thats plural, TWO of them) that require too much stabbing with needles, bleeding, strange and oft unacceptible dietary requirements, hospital stays, and general struggling for your average human to be ok with, too. They even SAY they can handle it at first because thats what they’re taught they ought to say. They don’t want to get caught discriminating against someone with a handicap! Nonono! But then reality hits, they see the blood and pain and bad days, bad hours, bad minutes where you’re laying on the floor in a screaming puddle, and there’s nothing they can do about it. They can’t take watching you struggle endlessly without hope of a cure. It’s worse than dating a drug addict, because at least an addict CAN stop, even though it’s difficult. We can’t stop being sick. Obviously, if we could, we would. So, they say stuff like, ‘This bad day happened because you didn’t take care of yourself properly!’ (Even if you did.) They can’t help you, so they evetually come to blame you, until they can’t take it, and they run away. And the only thing you did wrong was be chronically and incurably yourself. A sickie. I mean, its not like you punched them, called them names, cheated, kicked their dog for fun, or did something that would be a dealbreaker. Just for being yourself and being frighteningly broken in a way you cannot ever fix, you are alone again. It hurts, and it IS unfair. Eventually, you don’t have the energy to bother chasing down another human to befriend or date. It doesn’t feel worth it, does it? You see them as a seperate species for a reason. They are ‘the humans’ who get to live normal human lives, and you are ‘the outsider’ who can only watch. You might be made of meat and bone just like them, be aproximately humaniod in structure, just like them, but the soul inside feels like it simply can’t be that of a human. The only way you know, deep down, that you still must be human is the way the isolation causes you pain. And, like the other humans, you seek some way to protect yourself from that pain. Unfortunately, I DO understand you too well. My suggestion : find members of your own species, aka, people who suffer your same health problems. At least THOSE humans will be truely capable of empathy for your less than common struggle, since they know what it’s like. If you form a relationship/friendship, and they say they can handle having you around, at least you know there’s actually a chance that a fellow sufferer really can handle it. They live their lives every day with the same struggles you do, afterall. Empathy, like respect, isnt always something that people can give. It cant always be manufactured at will just because that’s what society says is ‘the right thing to do’. For those of us with disturbing and extreme health issues, we need empathy that goes beyond what most humans can produce through will power alone. One steady source of extra empathy is shared experience, and while I’m sure you wouldn’t wish your health issues on anyone, if those issues are already present in another person, you might find you have enough in common that empathy could blossom, leading to a real relationship. A real connection. It might take a few tries since you might be out of practice, but it IS worth it. Being human hurts, but being a lonely monster hurts so much worse. You know that as much as I do, I bet.
I wasn’t abused, and I’m perfectly okay with being who I am, but I still don’t feel like i belong. I felt a sense of belonging in my last four months of my undergraduate degree and (now long since graduated from my master’s and living on the other side of the world so no alumni society etc) I don’t know how to recapture that. I know how to make friends of course, but an acquaintance or two is not the same as a deep sense of camaraderie and fellowship. About the only thing anyone can suggest to be is “go to church”, but I’m not religious.
We have an article on finding friends you like here https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/how-to-find-friends.htm. There is actually a link between the church idea and your undergraduate degree. And that’s that both involve people doing something they are passionate about and have made a choice about. In uni, you meet people interested in the same subjects as you. God is like that for some people. But absolutely not a good fit if you aren’t religious. The point, though, is that the more we figure out who we are, what we love, and what our values are, and align all our choices to match, the more we find a job we love that matches our values, go join interest groups that match our values, the more we naturally meet people we fit with. So the questions to ask are, do I know who I am? What are my personal values, really? In what way is my life aligned or not aligned with my values? What changes to I need to make to live a life full of purpose and passion in my eyes? So yes, the best way to meet people is often to throw ourselves into befriending, well, ourselves, figuring out what makes us feel purposeful and getting out there and trying to live purposefully. We then just naturally meet people who share things with us. Perhaps part of the loneliness pandemic is because too many of us spend our lives working jobs we hate, only meeting people who share the job with us and nothing else, then doing things like sport even if we hate it because we think we ‘should’, or doing things because our family does. We never create opportunity to be ourselves or meet those who could enjoy that self we are not being. Also note, Nils, if this all sounds overwhelming, wanting to figure out a different social life for yourself is a very good subject to go to therapy over. The idea therapy is for when we are a mess isn’t true. It’s also for when we are struggling to relate to others or feel connected. Best, HT.